Rubbish at Adultery

Must I give up another night

To hear you whinge and whine

About how terribly grim you feel

And what a dreadful swine

You are? You say you’ll never leave

Your wife and children. Fine;

When have I ever asked you to?

I’d settle for a kiss.

Couldn’t you, for an hour or so,

Just leave them out of this?

A rare ten minutes off from guilty

Diatribes – what bliss.

Yes, I’m aware you’re sensitive:

A tortured, wounded soul.

I’m after passion, thrills and fun.

You say fun takes its toll,

So what are we doing here? I fear

We’ve lost our common goal.

You’re rubbish at adultery.

I think you ought to quit.

Trouble is, at fidelity

You’re also slightly shit.

Choose one and do it properly

You stupid, stupid git.

SOPHIE HANNAH