Chapter 15
SMILEYVILLE TURNS INTO TINSELTOWN
After school, I head home, where the Smileys are buzzing about the possibility of a Jamie Funnie TV sitcom.
It turns out that after their meeting with Uncle Frankie ended, the Hollywood crew came to Smileyville and made some pretty hefty promises. I guess they want everybody in what’s left of my family pressuring me to sign that contract.
“Meryl Streep is going to play me,” says Mrs. Smiley, putting her hands over her heart. “I wonder what kind of accent she’ll use.”
Mr. Smiley struts into the kitchen and, believe it or not, he’s smiling.
“I’m Brad Pitt,” he says. “And the director wants me to give Brad tips on what it’s like to be me. So I’ve started taking notes. Did you know I brush my teeth with my left hand?”
According to the BNC-TV casting director, a couple of child stars from the Disney Channel are eager to play the younger Smiley kids. And Stevie?
“They’re in negotiations with Dwayne Johnson,” gushes Mrs. Smiley.
I don’t believe it. “The Rock?”
She nods eagerly.
“No way is The Rock playing Stevie,” I say. “He’s too old.”
“Not if they use makeup,” says Mr. Smiley.
“And green screens,” adds Mrs. Smiley. “That’s how they do all sorts of special effects. Green screens and camera tricks and makeup.”
I nod very slowly. “Really. Who told you that?”
“Brad Grody. The director on the project. He says that’s how they made Yoda look like an old man in the Star Wars movies even though he was really played by a very talented toddler.”
“Yoda was a puppet,” I say.
Mrs. Smiley shakes her head. “Not according to the folks from Hollywood. And I’m sorry, Jamie, but I think they know a little bit more about movie magic than you do.”
That night, I’m in my garage bedroom when Stevie actually knocks on the door instead of just barging in.
“I need a favor,” he says, sort of timidly.
I arch an eyebrow. Stevie has never asked me for a favor before. And he’s never been timid in his whole life.
“Um, what do you want?” I ask.
“When The Rock gets here to play me in the TV show, can he, like, be my bodyguard, too?”
“What?”
“He has all those muscles. I need to borrow a few. To scare off Lars Johannsen.”
“Stevie, you don’t need The Rock. If a bully is bothering you, just ignore him.”
“Well, how do you do that? How do you ignore a moose of a kid who follows you all around town and dumps a sixty-four-ounce Big Slurp in your lap? And what about when he sticks your head down a toilet and flushes it? How do you ignore that?”
“Come on, tell me. What’s your secret? How do you ignore a bully when he’s picking on you?”
I still don’t answer.
Because, yep, I’m ignoring him.