Chapter 25

BULLY FOR ME

The writers hoist me up into their van and we head back to Long Beach Middle School.

We pull into the parking lot just as the final bell is ringing. Kids are piling out the doors, running for their buses.

And not a single one of them is being shaken down by Stevie Kosgrov.

“Isn’t this prime bullying time?” asks Stewart Johnson.

“Not as big as first thing in the morning,” I say, “because everybody’s spent their lunch money.”

“But wouldn’t a first-class bully be out here settling scores and punching people?”

He sounds disappointed that little kids aren’t being tortured in front of him.

Finally, we find Stevie sitting on a curb, trying without much enthusiasm to squish a line of ants with a stick.

“Stevie,” says Johnson, “we want our TV bully to be just like you. Big. Tough. Nasty. What would you do to threaten Jamie?”

“I don’t know. Call him a crip or something.”

“Come on, Stevie,” urges Emma Smith. “You can do better than that. Show us your stuff.”

“It’s okay,” I tell him. “We’re playing it for laughs. Give me a punch so I can give you a punch line!”

Stevie’s eyes go wide. I recognize the look. He’s choking. Just like I do sometimes when everybody’s waiting for me to perform. He’s also sweating up a storm. Guess perspiration runs in the family, too.

“What’s the matter, Stevie?” snarls a big, nasty voice. “Brain run out of gas? Maybe you need to eat another bean burrito.”

It’s Lars Johannsen.

“What are you doing here, Funny Boy?” Lars sneers at me.

“Field trip?” I peep.

“Oh, did you come here to see the fist exhibit?” He balls up his fist and waggles it in my face. “Well, here it is. In IMAX and 3-D.”

He socks me in the stomach.

I go flying backward. When I’m sprawled out like a flopping fish, Lars stomps on that line of ants Stevie was trying to torment. Then he kicks Stevie in the butt.

“Now you have ants in your pants, Kosgrov!”

“Love it!” giggles Emma Smith. “Ants in his pants!”

Lars swaggers away.

None of the writers stop taking notes to help prop me back up. Stevie skulks away, rubbing his sore behind.

Fortunately, Gaynor and Pierce come out of the building just in time to see me spread-eagled and flat on my back.

And, like always, they help me back into my chair while pretending that’s not what they’re doing.