Chapter 59

IF YOU’RE TALKING, YOU’RE NOT CHOKING

I smile and look straight into the camera lens.

I launch into my monologue. I do it exactly as scripted, until the end. “Bullies don’t read. Not even in the bathroom. I guess that might explain why the biggest bully at my middle school, this incredible hulk everybody calls Lars from Mars, brushes his teeth with pimple cream. Read the label, Lars. Oh, right. You don’t like to read. Every morning, you spray your armpits with a can of Cheez Whiz. No wonder you have that rodent problem in your locker.”

I do a quick bucktoothed rat nibble.

“Nom, nom, nom.”