Some time ago I delivered a speech on coping to middle managers of a major corporation. After describing the 4 S’s—Situation, Self, Supports, and Strategies—and the four major categories of coping strategies—taking action to change the transition, changing the meaning of the transition, managing reactions to stress, and choosing to do nothing—I felt I had covered everything the attendees needed to know about change. However, the first question proved me wrong. “How do I know when to use a particular strategy?” asked someone from the audience. This challenge resulted in the following Action Plan for Mastering Change.
The Action Plan combines the coping strategies with the 4 S’s to help ease the agonies of change, to neutralize and solve problems, and to turn liabilities into resources. By implementing the steps in sequence, you will see how modifying one or more of the 4 S’s can help you traverse a transition with more creativity and control than otherwise may have seemed possible.
At a recent workshop, one man expressed concern about people who do not think in such systematic ways and who rely more on intuition than on a step-by-step plan. His concern is legitimate. I too have often thought that step-by-step plans take the romance and surprise out of living. However, I can think of nothing more romantic than dancing. Yet, to dance well and with freedom, one needs to know the steps. Eventually, a good dancer improvises. Similarly, this system of TAKING STOCK and TAKING CHARGE of change is not meant to hem you in. On the contrary, once you know some basic steps and techniques, you’ll be in a position to improvise your own plan. This chapter provides a framework for empowering you to help yourself. In other words, when you have a knowledge and skill base, you are freed to innovate, experiment, and improvise.
We are often weathering change, some of which is out of our control. We will revisit Carolyn, George, and Esther to learn from them—to see how they weathered change and what tips they can offer us.
When we met Carolyn in chapter 1, she was trying to cope with multiple transitions—a new marriage, a move away from family and church, and a tubal pregnancy. She was APPROACHING a transition that had changed most aspects of her life. Carolyn’s challenge was to figure out what to do about a seemingly endless, miserable forever.
In assessing her Situation, we are reminded that it’s important to consider the type of transition, whether or not it is having a major impact on the persons life, and the degree to which the person experiencing it feels in control.
Carolyn was facing multiple transitions. Any one of them would have been enough to throw many people for a loop. Cut off from her friends, her relatives, and her church at a time of multiple transitions, she could see immediately that her Situation offered little more than “low” ratings. Her combination of transitions clearly added up to a “biggie”: her new relationship with her husband and the loss of her old stable relationships in her hometown; the change imposed on her routine by geographical isolation; the occurrence of the problem pregnancy at a time when she was already under pressure; and her newness both to marriage and to the area where she was living. This resulted in low marks on all her coping resources. As she said, “If you had a ten-point scale and ten was miserable, I’d be off the scale.”
Carolyn’s own words show how she felt about her Self. She lacked a sense of well-being and self-knowledge and was generally pessimistic. When we first saw Carolyn, she was sitting at home and crying. She felt bereft of support. Her husband felt that she was withdrawing from him, and he was confused; she was unable to relate to him as an adult. She had never been separated from her family before and blamed her husband for her feelings of isolation. Carolyn was simultaneously facing the issues of how to create intimacy with a new husband and how to cope with separation from her family. At the time we first interviewed her, she would have rated her Supports as low.
Reviewing Carolyn’s coping Strategies, it became evident that she was using few if any of them. She was “doing nothing”—but not out of choice. She didn’t know what to do. She just stayed home feeling overwhelmed.
Carolyn’s 4 S Worksheet (see table 6.1) helps us visualize her coping resources.
Carolyn’s multiple transitions added up to the serious challenge of low ratings in all four areas. Not only was she facing a very trying series of changes, but she was obviously not well equipped to deal with them.
APPROACHING CHANGE
Yet, after a year she felt that she had come through the worst, was no longer a complete outsider, and could start to build a satisfying new life. How did this happen?
Although Carolyn could not see how to change her Situation, she knew that she needed help. One day while she was in the doctors office the physician’s assistant, Molly, noticed how depressed she seemed to be and began to draw her out. When Molly showed empathy with Carolyn’s distress about having a pregnancy far away from home, Carolyn began to cry. Molly, trained as a physician’s assistant, was taking a graduate degree in social work. She immediately realized how vulnerable Carolyn was and also guessed rightly that Carolyn would not seek help from a professional. Molly suggested that Carolyn come in to talk with her for half an hour before her regular appointments with the doctor. Carolyn did so, and during these sessions she was able to seek Molly’s advice about what to do, how to meet people, and how to break out of her depression.
As Carolyn confided in and discussed her Situation with the caring, competent Molly, she was able to devise several Strategies that eventually helped her turn the tide to get her on the road back to health and optimism.
Carolyn’s Action Plan (see table 6.2) summarizes the Strategies she used to strengthen her resources.
Possible Coping Strategies |
Strengthening Your 4 S’s |
Taking Action to Change or Modify Your 4 S’s |
|
Negotiating |
Negotiating with husband for use of car and regular long-distance calls to family |
Taking optimistic action |
Joined church group and newcomers club |
Later started outreach program for others |
|
Asserting yourself |
Enrolled in assertiveness training |
Changing the Way You See Things |
|
Applying knowledge of the transition process |
Learned that transitions take time and that she could begin to control the outcomes |
Developing rituals |
|
Reappraising, relabeling, refraining |
From assertiveness training, she learned to feel “entitled” to support, car, etc. |
Ignoring selectively |
|
Managing Your Reactions to the Transition |
|
Playing |
Began to socialize with other couples |
Engaging in physical activity |
Joined exercise class |
Participating in counseling, therapy, or support groups |
Became involved in church group, helped work with others who had similar problems of shyness, isolation |
Reading |
|
Carolyn changed her Situation by a combination of seeking advice, negotiating, taking optimistic action, and asserting herself. Before she could relate to new friends and begin to make her marriage work, Carolyn needed to change both her Self and her coping Strategies. With Molly’s encouragement, she enrolled in an assertiveness-training group at a nearby church. This helped her learn ways to ask for what she needed without feeling ashamed. Mostly she changed from feeling “not entitled” to feeling “entitled” to support and attention.
Molly encouraged Carolyn to start developing new Supports while retaining her connections to her past, so Carolyn negotiated the use of their limited resources with her husband. She suggested to him—and he agreed—that she could use the car twice a week to attend church and that she could spend some of their limited money for long-distance phone calls to her mother three times a week.
When Carolyn first began to participate in activities at the neighborhood church, she was very shy. But with the constant encouragement of her mother, she “hung in there.” She discovered and joined a newcomers club that really served as a support group. Eventually she and another woman started an outreach program for people too shy to attend the church.
Carolyn then began to change the way she interpreted her world. She was helped to understand both her Situation and her Self differently by reframing. She could not undo the move, the marriage, or the pregnancy, but she was helped to change her perspective and understand her distress. Previously very critical of herself for her inability to cope, Carolyn was helped through the new support group and counseling to understand and accept the difficulty of coping with transitions that seem beyond one’s control. Clearly she had been involved in the decision to marry, but she had not been in control of the move or the tubal pregnancy.
Molly helped Carolyn realize that she was not a puppet and that she could learn to control her reactions and become more of an optimist. At first, Carolyn did not believe these new words, but as time passed she began to believe that she could, in fact, gain control over her life.
By acquiring knowledge about the transition process, Carolyn was helped to change the way she viewed her Situation. She came to understand several major characteristics of transitions and thus enhanced her ability to flow with them.
Many people ask, “How long will it take to resolve my transition?” Unfortunately, no formula can accurately predict the answer to that question. Some authors outline a specific series of stages that everyone experiences as they go through transitions, but I do not believe that life is that clear-cut. My own research shows that the particular phases and their corresponding lengths of time vary greatly depending on how long it takes one to reshape a new and satisfying life: that is, a new set of roles, relationships, routines, and assumptions.
At first Carolyn felt confused, as she was between her new and old roles and routines, and she had no notion that she could become comfortable in her new ones. But she learned that people shifting from one role (such as from single person to married one) pass through three phases: first, identification with the old role; second, leaving the old role but not yet knowing how to behave in the new one; and third, finally, comfort in the new role.
Carolyn also took steps to manage better her reactions to the transition. She joined a support group in the church, continued to see Molly for three months, and joined an exercise class. She began to have a little fun and relaxation. She even met some people and initiated a social event with spouses.
Carolyn’s experience demonstrates that using the 4 S system makes it possible to progress from a feeling of helplessness and defeat to feelings of optimism and hope, thereby transforming trauma into a significant, positive change in one’s life.
George was working in a large corporation when the word came down that due to financial losses, there would be a RIF (reduction in force) and 5 percent of the staff would lose employment. “I knew my job was not in jeopardy,” he told me. “The RIF had been explained, and our department was exempt. So the day my boss told me we had a meeting with his boss, I was excited, certain I was going to get a new challenge. But at that meeting my boss’s boss told me that the RIF would affect my job: I would have to leave in six weeks!
“I couldn’t make myself talk. I couldn’t even make my legs move so I could get out the door. I just sat there, stunned. As I look back at that moment, I can now understand why I was so immobilized. Not long before, my wife had left me for another person and my father had moved in with me after he was diagnosed as having terminal cancer. And here they were telling me I’d lose my job! Not only would I be out of work, but I’d be cut off from the company’s theatre group—the center of my social and recreational life.”
What was it about George’s Situation that made him so vulnerable? How could George be helped to turn the tide?
As George APPROACHED this transition, he saw his Situation—the RIF—as out of his control, as very negative and permanent. In addition, he had many other stresses. The recent departure of his wife for another man and his father’s coming to live with him had already taken their toll. The prospect of losing his leisure and social life as well as his job was overwhelming. Clearly, George would rate his Situation as “low.” But despite his multiple losses (wife, colleagues on the job, theatre group), he still had a few close friends. In addition, his father became a Support as well as a drain since he was at home, able to encourage him and help him weather the storm. Also, George felt he mattered to his father, and that made George feel useful. So his Supports were mixed, but mostly low. (See table 6.3.)
APPROACHING CHANGE
He usually saw himself as optimistic, and he used a variety of coping Strategies. During our interview (the week of the RIF) George repeatedly contrasted the positive way he had always seen himself—as a coper—with his current evaluation, saying, “I feel like a loser.” We rated his Self as “okay,” though he clearly felt low at the moment.
George kept saying, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to cope.” However, he continually referred to his past, saying, “I always was the one to tell my friends how to cope. Now I’m stuck.” The fact that he had coped in the past was a good predictor that his competency would eventually emerge. We therefore marked Strategies as “okay.” Despite George’s crisis of confidence, he rated his Situation as low, his Supports as low, but his Self and Strategies as okay.
George’s Action Plan focused on his Situation and Supports. His first task was to figure out how to change his Situation and his Supports, which were both low. “Do I want to take action?” he asked himself. “And if so, what can I do?”
Second, George asked himself whether he wanted to change the way he viewed his Situation or his Supports, and whether he could benefit from managing his reactions to the transition. Finally, he considered the option of doing nothing or of devising other methods of coping.
Here’s what George did. He enrolled in a support program instituted by his employer to assist employees in obtaining new jobs. At the end of a week-long seminar, George had a resumé, a plan for securing a new job, and a “buddy” from the personnel office to help him identify job leads.
George realized that one of his biggest losses was no longer being able to participate in the theatre group at work. After the shock began to wear off and he began to get his bearings, he spoke to the director of the company theatre group, who personally arranged for George to become involved with a community theatre group. They agreed that George would work with the set designers on the next show. Once that was arranged, George felt much better about his entire Situation.
Because George was so distressed, he first focused on Strategies for managing his reactions, hoping he could feel calmer and more in control. As a result of belonging to a support group he gained an understanding of the psychological aspects of the RIF experience—that leaving a job involves mourning, as when leaving a loved one. George also sought and received personal counseling that helped him manage his stress. He stopped blaming himself for his failed marriage and stopped seeing himself as a victim. At the end of six weeks, George had accepted a new job with a new organization and was making even more money than before.
George felt very defeated after his wife left him. He kept blaming himself and thinking he must be no good. He was not able to let go of those feelings, but after reading self-help books and talking with friends and a counselor, he began to see that it would take time to get over the failed marriage and his feelings of rejection. George realized that with therapy he might be able to sort out what roles he and his wife had played in the breakup of the marriage and what he might be able to do differently in future relationships. He began to see that he could, with work, get there. George began to say that if he could survive the double loss of wife and job, he could handle anything. Quite apart from his work and recreational problems, George faced another problem. He felt imposed upon by his father. But this matter came into perspective after he saw a television show in which a young man places his father in a nursing home and ends up feeling very guilty. That helped George realize that his caring for his father had helped distract him from his own problems and had helped him maintain a good view of himself. (See table 6.4.)
Possible Coping Strategies |
Strengthening Your 4 S’s |
Taking Action to Change or Modify Your 4 S’s |
|
Negotiating |
|
Taking optimistic action |
|
Seeking advice |
Sought advice from theatre director who arranged for him to work in similar group |
Asserting yourself |
|
Changing the Way You See Things |
|
Applying knowledge of the transition process |
|
Developing rituals |
|
Making positive comparisons |
|
Rearranging priorities |
|
Reappraising, relabeling, refraining |
Realized that miserable as he was about the breakup of his marriage, he had an opportunity to learn about himself so that the same mistakes would not be made again |
Ignoring selectively |
|
Denying |
|
Having faith |
|
Other |
|
Managing Your Reactions to the Transition |
|
Playing |
|
Using relaxation skills |
|
Expressing emotions |
|
Engaging in physical activity |
|
Participated in outplacement counseling sponsored by employer and after several weeks found another job. Found counselor and began exploring how to cope with transitions, feelings of failure, and the pain of rejection |
|
Reading |
|
Other |
|
Doing Nothing |
|
Using Other Strategies |
|
Carolyn and George are weathering change that they feel was imposed on them. But what about the decisions you make about whether or not to initiate a transition? Esther’s breakup and several cases of people considering retirement illustrate the usefulness of the 4 S System when making decisions about your future.
“Leaving a marriage or relationship that is bad for you—or, as is more often the case, not good for you—is one of the most difficult of all transitions to make. For me, the transition was to stop going with Barry, to end our two-year exclusive relationship, and to stop spending most of my time with him. I wanted to meet someone with whom I could share my life more fully. It took me a long time to carry out my decision, and sometimes I wavered. Although it was a change I wanted, it was scary. I felt the terror most strongly when I awoke in the morning filled with anxiety about the prospect of being out there, of not having a man in my life (especially when my brother had just started a new romance), of being alone, and worse, of being lonely. But if such reasons were to become the glue of my relationship with Barry, I knew it had better be dismantled.
“I was aware that it was five painful days before Valentines Day. How could I live through Valentine’s Day thinking as I was and saying nothing? I decided to analyze my potential transition according to the Four-S System. I first looked at my possible Situation. It is terrifying to end a relationship. People will more readily quit their jobs, part with their money, and give up old friends and even their children than end a bad relationship. (How many people live in quiet desperation with the wrong person because they believe there’s nobody else out there?) Striking out alone seemed less terrifying when I considered that I had been through breakups before. True, I had not initiated them. But I remember being relieved when they ended and never wanting—when an ‘ex’ had second thoughts and wanted to get together again—to resume.
“Next, I looked at my Supports and external resources: I could tick them off. I liked my job. The first half of a new book I had written had been accepted with enthusiasm. I would soon pay off a ten-year debt to my former husband. I had many friends who are stable and supportive and a church that was a joy to attend. They even sell my other three books at the Book Nook each Sunday, where I am asked often to autograph a copy.
“Finally, I knew without enumerating that my inner resources were stronger than they had ever been. After six years of psychotherapy, my habit of negative thinking had been broken, and I no longer felt depressed or unsure of myself. My life was going in the direction I wanted: I had just passed my annual physical, I was working out four to five times a week, and I even had prospects of fitting into a size 10 bathing suit by summer. I had fulfilled the prophecy of a man I met years ago: ‘You will really hit your pace when you reach your early forties.’
“Some odd thoughts popped into my mind. I had a new car that wasn’t, like the old one, breaking down every month or so. I knew how to fix, or pay someone to fix, most of the things that broke down in my house. I knew where to find college students to do yard work and other jobs.
“As I understand the Four-S System, you count your pluses in four areas: your Situation, Self, Supports, and Strategies. You also look for weak spots that can be strengthened. The timing was not good. I would be losing not only a lover but a roommate. I could look for a new roommate, but I had no time to look, nor deal with the distractions roommates invariably present. As for sex and male companionship, there would be little time for that while I had a book to finish.
“I had never fully overcome a deep sense of dependency and need to always have a man in my life. I feared that losing the security of this relationship would keep me from concentrating fully on my book. Could I stay home alone nights writing, knowing nobody would be coming over later to spend the night? Should I wait and break off with Barry after my book was finished?
“Questions helped me identify my strengths and weaknesses. The question remained not Should I? But Can I? I decided to do it. On a Sunday afternoon before Valentine’s Day, I invited Barry over for a cup of tea (my beverage of choice in a crisis) and told him, ‘I want always to be friends with you, but I do not want to continue the relationship we have had.’
“I was ending it because I believed I could have an even better life in the future. I was ending it because I would have a chance to cage the dragon of my dependency. I was ending it because I believe you have to say good-bye before you can say hello.”
As Esther thought about her ability to cope, she realized that over the years she had learned when to take action and when to sit tight and do nothing. She carried out a consistent but sensible exercise regime, went to church regularly, and knew what was going on, as she put it, “inside myself.”
Esther assessed her Situation, her Self, her Supports, and her Strategies and decided to initiate a change in her relationship with Barry. Her Situation for leaving was not ideal because of her work deadline, but it was definitely within her control, so we will give it an overall rating of “okay” (see table 6.5). In terms of her Self, Esther had entered psychotherapy, was feeling much better about herself as a person, and saw herself in a positive light. She was also aware that she had great dependency needs that influenced her to attach herself and stick to a man. Her overall rating of Self is “high.” She discussed her many supportive friends and her church, making a “high” for Supports. She also felt she was able to utilize many Strategies, making that another “high” resource.
To summarize: Esther’s resources for coping with change were mostly high. By TAKING STOCK of these, she realized that she was ready for change, that if she was going to make it, this would be the time to do it. However, she also realized two areas of vulnerability: the timing and her possible dependency needs, which surfaced as a need to always have a “man to rely on.”
Even though Esther’s resources outweighed her deficits, she realized that the loss she was initiating would be difficult. She therefore decided to prevent any disasters by actively using many Strategies. (See table 6.6.)
First, she took optimistic action and decided to make the break with full awareness of her dependency needs. Then she spent a great deal of energy managing her reactions to the transition. Esther selected a strategy uniquely suited to her—writing. She wrote up her own story in terms of the transition model. This process of writing was therapeutic and reinforced her decision to stick with the breakup. She read books about breakups and losses, keeping in mind that there is no way to live a life without facing loss. Esther also made sure she was involved with supportive friends by regularly attending church and participating in the weekly discussion group for singles. Esther also had a fallback plan: if she felt her dependency needs getting out of hand, she would revisit her therapist.
APPROACHING CHANGE
Possible Coping Strategies |
Strengthening Your 4 S’s |
Taking Action to Change or Modify Your 4 S’s |
|
Negotiating |
|
Taking optimistic action |
Decided to make a break with full awareness of her dependency needs |
Seeking advice |
|
Asserting yourself |
|
Brainstorming a new plan |
|
Taking legal action |
|
Other |
|
Changing the Way You See Things |
|
Applying knowledge of the transition process |
Awareness of ups and downs that are part and parcel of transitions |
Developing rituals |
|
Making positive comparisons |
|
Rearranging priorities |
|
Reappraising, relabeling, refraining |
|
Ignoring selectively |
|
Denying |
|
Having faith |
|
Other |
|
Managing Your Reactions to the Transition |
|
Playing |
|
Using relaxation skills |
Read books about breakups and losses |
Expressing emotions |
|
Engaging in physical activity |
Joined hiking club/kept up exercise |
Participating in counseling, therapy, or support groups |
Became very active in church discussion group |
Reading |
Read books related to loss |
Other |
|
Doing Nothing |
|
Using Other Strategies |
Wrote her own story as a way to think it through |
Esther’s case illustrates the importance of planning, even when you initiate a change.
Retirement, a continuation of your career, is a transition similar to high school, college, or graduate school graduation. Some know exactly what they want to do; others are searching for ways to craft a meaningful life. It is important for you to develop a system to determine if this is the right time for you to retire.1
Here are some questions you need to address as you figure out if you are ready.
Amy asked, “Should I retire? What will I do if I retire?” Bea said to her husband Steve, “I am afraid for either of us to retire. Our lives are so consumed with our work.” And Jeff asked, “How will I know when it is time?”
These are the questions that plague many baby boomers as they approach retirement. They first square off regarding finances. Many meet periodically with their financial advisers and accountants to figure out when they can afford to retire. I remember meeting with our financial adviser, who was much younger than we were. He figured out that we could live on much less money when we stopped working. I explained that we would need more, not less, money and that I did not plan to have spots on my clothes and wear tennis shoes to the theatre. Even if we know where the money will come from to replace our salary (pensions, savings, retirement plans, etc.), we go through a period of fear—can we make it on what we have? Will we outlive our income? We experience what I call “Income Withdrawal Syndrome” when our paychecks stop.
Art, a programmer for a university systemwide campus, loved wine and over the years became quite an aficionado. He embraced retirement as a chance to follow his passion. He now teaches classes in wine, conducts wine tastings for an upscale restaurant bar, and is thoroughly enjoying life.
Stan, an investigative reporter for a major newspaper, was a Sunday painter. He opted for early retirement so that he could follow his passion, art. He began painting every day and, after three years, is having his first one-man show. Now he feels comfortable with his new identity as an artist.
Those with a passion are the lucky ones. Even if there is no passion driving our retirement, we can use our retirement to uncover our hidden passion. We can begin looking at regrets, what we wish we had done. If you feel the urge to uncover your passion, then retirement might be a good option. But there are more questions before you make the leap.
There is no cookie-cutter answer, as each individuals needs and values are so unique. But the 4 S System can help.
Marilyn, a burned-out university librarian, needs help figuring out if she has her resources in order so that she can opt for early retirement. After consulting with a career counselor, Marilyn realized that she had always wanted to be a marine biologist. She was scared: How would she continue to provide for her children? Would she be able to concentrate? Could she make it? Was she too old to make a fresh start? By assessing her resources, Marilyn can make a judgment about her readiness for retirement.
What is Marilyn’s Situation at this time in her life? Is this at a time when most of her ducks are in order? In Marilyn’s case, her son was graduating from high school and had a full scholarship to a local university. She no longer felt pressure to stay at the university. As her son was gaining independence, so was she.
What did Marilyn bring of her Self to this transition? It is important to find if she felt in control as she faced this transition. Marilyn felt a new sense of optimism. Working with the counselor helped her see that she had options. Marilyn was beginning to have hope that her retirement years could be spent pursuing and working in a new career.
What were her Supports at this time? Did Marilyn have the emotional and financial support to make this change? She felt that her pension from the university, plus some savings, would take her through her training. She figured that she would be working for another fifteen years, which would give her the financial flexibility she needed. In addition, Marilyn had met with the counselors at the school she planned to attend. There was a returning student lounge with all kinds of notices about support group meetings for older students. Although Marilyn knew she would probably be among the oldest, she felt reassured that she would have some built-in support at the school.
What were Marilyn’s Strategies for dealing with this? Could she balance work, school, and family demands as she made this change?
Marilyn was able to answer yes to all four questions. She is in an excellent place to think and plan seriously for this change. Her Situation was good. Her son was going to college, giving her the freedom to plan ahead. She was a risk-taker and considered herself resilient, so she rated her Self fairly high. Marilyn had some savings, but had also talked with the school and a bank to find out how to get a loan to cover her training. Her son was very encouraging, so her Support was in place. Having experienced some adversity in her life, she had learned to use various coping Strategies to help her, so her Strategies were high. She was clearly ready to retire and go for this career change.
First, APPROACH your transition by identifying its type and indicating the degree to which it would alter your life. Second, TAKE STOCK by filling out Your 4 S Worksheet (see table 6.7). This will give you an assessment of where your strengths are and help you identify areas to work on.
Then TAKE CHARGE by developing your Action Plan (see table 6.8). You will visually see the resources that need help—your Situation, Self, Supports, and Strategies. You can then examine your list of possible coping Strategies and ask yourself the following series of questions:
Again, remember that there may be other Strategies that you would find helpful that are not mentioned in this book. TAKING STOCK of your resources to cope with a particular transition or set of transitions is based on the assumption that your resources for coping—your four S’s—are not static but will and can shift throughout your life.
Possible Coping Strategies |
Your 4 S’s |
Taking Action to Change or Modify Your 4 S’s |
|
Negotiating |
|
Taking optimistic action |
|
Seeking advice |
|
Asserting yourself |
|
Brainstorming a new plan |
|
Taking legal action |
|
Other |
|
Changing the Way You See Things |
|
Applying knowledge of the transition process |
|
Developing rituals |
|
Making positive comparisons |
|
Rearranging priorities |
|
Reappraising, relabeling, reframing |
|
Ignoring selectively |
|
Denying |
|
Engaging in humor |
|
Having faith |
|
Other |
|
Managing Your Reactions to the Transition |
|
Playing |
|
Using relaxation skills |
|
Expressing emotions |
|
Engaging in physical activity |
|
Participating in counseling, therapy, or support groups |
|
Reading |
|
Other |
|
Doing Nothing |
|
Using Other Strategies |
|
Let me explain. After moving seventeen times, one woman said, “I have finally had it. No more.” What had changed? Her husband, a career State Department official, had told her when they married to expect lots of moves. She did. They did. She saw herself as someone who could pick up, leave, and then dig in new roots. She was an optimist, used lots of coping Strategies, and was able to develop new Supports quickly. She was “high” on her four S’s. But before the seventeenth move, she learned that she had cancer. She felt vulnerable and unable to just go and start over again. She did not feel she had the energy to make connections for herself and her young teenagers. In other words, her Situation had changed from high to low, influencing her evaluation of her ability to cope.
Someone else, another young woman who had been afraid to move, began to feel that she could move and travel. After several years of therapy, she realized that her fear had been based on anxiety about separating from everything familiar. She now realized her live-in partner would still be there for her, and her parents would still be there. In her case the biggest shift was in her Self.
Any of your four S’s might, can, and will change. As they change, your ability to tackle transitions also changes. The encouraging aspect of this model is the knowledge that everything is not preordained. If you feel like a “loser,” that can shift. If you feel you’ve got it together, that’s great as long as you realize your Situation, Self, Supports, and Strategies might and can change.
Because your resources can and do shift, you can employ different Strategies to TAKE CHARGE, depending on which resources need strengthening.
As you can see, your coping resources are not precise or scientifically measurable, because to some degree they grow out of gut feelings and intuition. Don’t be afraid to use these feelings along with the information from the chart to assess your Situation, your Self, your Supports, and your Strategies. With these tools you can determine where your vulnerabilities are; you can decide whether to move ahead and how.
These worksheets, your intuition, and your good sense are your guidelines for mastering change. Only you can decide whether and how to implement them. To encourage those who are feeling skeptical or overwhelmed, it is important to point out the creativity of those in transition who devise new ways to cope with and ultimately master and manage change.
