Chapter 5
“Compassion is the basis of morality.”
— Authur Schopenhauer
C is compassion, the concern for others.
The word “compassion” essentially means “with passion.” But passion alone is not enough; it must be conjoined with a sense of others, a community so to speak. That connection comes from the understanding of others as living breathing human beings—as flawed and vulnerable as ourselves—but also as—wondrous and wonderful as human beings can be.
What It Means to Serve Others
You only die once but you live every day. So says John Feal, who lives those words every day in his quest to make life better for others. You see John is a 9/11 responder whose left foot was crushed by an 8,000-steel beam. John was one of the many—in the fact the majority—of non-uniformed first responders who worked at Ground Zero. He spent 11 weeks in hospital eventually losing part of his foot. He also has suffered damage to his spine and knees as a result of his injury. He lives in constant pain.
All of which John uses to motivate himself to go to work every day and help his fellow responders. Feal was one of the individuals who lobbied Congress to get health care for first responders. It took years of “guerilla lobbying”—one elected official at a time—to get action. The James Zagroda Health and Safety Act was passed in 2010 but it took another round of action in 2015 to get it renewed.
In his interview with Terry Gross on NPR’s Fresh Air, Feal describes himself as an introvert but views what happened to him as a blessing. It was something that profoundly changed him and transformed him into an activist. “I started going to their hearings. And then, the next thing you know, I started taking other Sept. 11 responders to somebody else’s hearings, and then the judges and the lawyers were like, ‘Oh here comes Feal, with his crew!’” No apologies. As Feal puts it, “The only time I really ever come out of character—if somebody has the ability to help somebody and doesn’t do it for a reason that doesn’t measure up to my standards, that’s when I tend to come out of character. I just don’t understand how human beings can be so cold and callous and hurt each other.”
Feal founded the Feal Good Foundation to help fellow first responders. The foundation provides for basic needs as well as medical ones. He also makes personal gestures like buying people coffee if he’s in line with them. And for good measure, he donated a kidney. John Feal lives the life of service. When you hear about men like Feal, it is both inspiring as well as humbling, even intimidating. How could I do something like that? Reality dictates that you won’t and don’t have to. You chose what you want to do with your life. Men like John Feal show us that service to others is rewarding. Feal does not view himself as a victim; he’s a healer.
Prior to his injury, Feal fancied himself a tough guy—a John Wayne type—ex-Army, physically fit, and a one-time wrestling coach. Now his toughness comes from living with pain but using it as motivation to help others. The lesson that men like Feal teach us that we have something to give. For some, it’s a donation to a good cause. For others, it’s a gift of self. Your time! Whatever you can do to make a positive difference matters. It’s a matter of love. “The measure of love,” wrote Bishop Fulton Sheen, “is not the pleasure it gives—that is the way the world judges it—but the joy and peace it can purchase for others.” In short, giving is not getting; giving is sharing what you have with others. Simple really, if only we make the time.51
Delivering Compassion
Do I belong here? That’s a question that John Feal answered for himself. He saw a need to serve and he put himself forward. For others, the calling may be less clear. The reason for their connection to work and the workplace is due to a sense of belonging. Dr. Abraham Maslow, a pioneering social psychologist, ranks “belonging” as third in his Hierarchy of Needs for human satisfaction and fulfillment. Individuals want to feel that they fit in. On one level, they fit because the work is interesting. On another level, they feel connected to their co-workers. And ultimately and ideally, they feel part of the workplace because their work has meaning.
Peter Drucker, the founding thinker of modern management, wrote that executives should treat knowledge workers (a term he coined) as one would treat a volunteer. Drucker, who had a knack for cutting to the heart of the matter, understood that employees who use their brains for one employer could just as easily put those brains to work for another employer. And if a company wanted to retain them, it needed to make them feel welcome.
Organizations that depend upon volunteer labor understand this dynamic intuitively. They know that if someone who does not feel that they fit in, or worse that they are not making a contribution, will go someplace else. In a hurry! Volunteerism springs from a commitment to do good, to make that positive difference. They volunteer because they find satisfaction in helping others. Volunteers who remain with an organization find fulfillment. The same applies to employees who work for hire. Both groups are engaged in what they do and why they do it. In short, they feel a sense of belonging. Belonging is essential to developing that sense of engagement. And here are three ways to nurture it.
Find Purpose. Work without purpose is work; work with purpose can be joy. When people know that what they do matters to others, and how it is connected to what the organization does, then that gives meaning to labor. Purposeful work is work that encourages commitment.
Recognize Results. Work is hard. Life is short. These are two well-worn clichés that can be mitigated when management takes the time to recognize a job well done. Publicize the accomplishments of teams and make note of the people who outperformed the norm. Results should resonate so that everyone knows what has been achieved.
Encourage Camaraderie. Work is not a place to socialize. It is a place to pull together to do the job. That said, when people are united in purpose, they may find affinity with one another. Managers can encourage that connection by creating opportunities for employees to connect in their off-hours through activities that run the gamut from recreational sports, company picnics, or group volunteer events. (One caveat. When it comes to socialization, participation is strictly voluntarily. Forcing people to do something outside of work defeats the essence of belonging.)
There is something else about belonging that was pointed out to me by an executive with whom I was working. He noted that belonging connotes ownership. You belong therefore you own. Not property but something more meaningful. You own responsibility. You have a sense of autonomy that enables you to act for the good of the organization. Not because you have to, but because you want to. Fostering the sense of belonging may be one of a leader’s most powerful levers. Used properly it elevates the nature of work with a sense of purpose that brings people together for common cause and encourages them to bond with one another in the work they do.52
G-Man for All
Understanding God is Father Gregory Boyle’s mission. He practices that faith through the founding and running of his ministry—Homeboy Industries—the world’s largest gang intervention and rehabilitation service that he founded in 1988. That is his purpose and where he feels he belongs.
Father Boyle (whom we met briefly in Chapter 3) says he finds God in the example of the thousands of men and women (aka homies) who have been transformed through the simple act of finding a job. It has given them an alternative to gang affiliation and affirms their sense of worth, a sense that most never had because the circumstances of their upbringing were so cruel and depraved.
Homeboy Industries was founded more than 30 years ago as a means of providing employment to gang members in East LA. Few businesses would hire ex-gang members so Father Greg, Jesuit pastor of the Dolores Mission, the poorest mission in the L.A. archdiocese, created a business to provide those jobs. Today Homeboy serves not just the neighborhood, but all of Los Angeles County with its restaurants, coffee shops, bakeries, and even a tattoo removal clinic. Its tattoo removal clinic came about because ex-gang members wanted to remove tattoos no longer relevant to their current lives, and which in some instances, may prevent them from getting hired. Removing a tattoo is a long and painful process but it can serve as a kind of rebirth. Not everything Homebody has tried has been successful, for example, the plumbing business. It seemed terrific as a business proposition, but as Fr. Boyle says wryly, “I guess people didn’t feel comfortable having ex-gang members in their houses.”
To watch Father Boyle, as I did in a presentation he gave, get choked up telling stories of homies redeemed—stories he has told hundreds of times and written about in his books—is to see a man who knows the Face of God as some would say, because he sees it in the person standing in front of him. Father Boyle’s presentation echoes the themes of his second book, Barking to the Choir: The Power of Radical Kinship. In the book, he writes about working at the margins of society, finding a problem, and figuring out what might be done. Father Boyle invites people to find the need and see if there is something Homeboy might do.
To outsiders the work may seem grim. To Father Boyle there is joy, even laughter. He tells a story about one of the homies in his ministry who said, “Lord is Exhausted” in a Psalm he was reading. The word was supposed to be “exalted,” but Father Gregory liked the homie’s version better. He also noted that one of his spiritual directors said we needed a “better” God. You see, in Father Gregory’s world many may see God but each of us may perceive Him differently. Hence the God is “exhausted” and may indeed desire a make-over —or at least a better version of how we perceive him.
And that’s the point. A need arises, and you avail yourself of the opportunity. At the end of near the end of Barking to the Choir, Father Boyle writes about “exquisite mutuality.” —It is a sense of gratefulness that comes from sharing experience and history with others, where “reciprocal expectations disappear,” you do what you do as you share life together.
“I don’t empower anyone at Homeboy Industries,” writes Father Boyle. “But if one can love boundlessly, then folks on the margins become utterly convinced of their own goodness. We find our awakened connection to each other — a focused, balanced attention to the person in front of us.” It becomes, as Fr. Boyle concludes, “An exquisite mutuality, lighting the whole sky.”53
Mercy, Mercy
Integral to the concept of compassion is mercy. Like grace, mercy is not earned; it is given with the expectation of doing good. While we show mercy toward our transgressors, we also show it toward those in need. When we help another person in need, we are showing mercy that is inherent in grace. There is no expectation of payback; there is only a desire to assist. Grace enables us to take the higher road, to think more clearly.
Mercy is a theme that runs through many of Shakespeare’s plays. The heroes of Shakespeare’s works exhibit it; the tyrants do not. In The Merchant of Venice, Portia, disguised as the lawyer Baltazar, argues in court on behalf of her lover, Antonio. She begs Shylock, to whom Antonio is in debt, for mercy with this soliloquy:
The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
The notion of “twice blessed” gets to the heart of mercy—it’s good for giver and receiver both. Portia next elevates mercy to the highest strata of virtues.
‘Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes
The thronèd monarch better than his crown.
His scepter shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptered sway.
It is enthronèd in the hearts of kings;
It is an attribute to God Himself;
Portia argues that mercy, which is from heaven, is “above temporal power.” Even better, “It is enthroned in the hearts” of kings. And when put into practice by someone with power, it becomes “an attribute to God Himself.”54
Winston Churchill was one who sought value in mercy, as reflected in his mantra: “In War: Resolution, In Defeat: Defiance, In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Good Will.” Churchill, as this statement indicates, did not shirk the good fight, but when it was over, he believed in grace. He exerted this in his political dealings—although ostracized often from members of his own party, he seldom sought revenge. At the end of World War II, he was for extending the olive branch to Germany to rebuild the shattered nation. That said—Churchill fully supported the Nuremberg Trials that put Nazi war criminals in the dock for their crimes against humanity. Mercy does not preclude punishment.
Mercy was visible in a different form when President Gerald Ford pardoned his predecessor Richard Nixon. Ford’s desire, as he said, was to end the “long national nightmare.” Kate Anderson Brower points out First in Line: Presidents, Vice Presidents and the Pursuit of Power, the Nixons and Fords had been friends since their days together in the Congress. Ford, on one level, was moved by a sense of personal decency. Years later, in 2005, Ford admitted as much when he told Bob Woodward of the Washington Post, “I looked upon [Nixon] as my personal friend. And I always treasured our relationship. And I had no hesitancy about granting the pardon, because I felt that we had this relationship and that I didn’t want to see my real friend have the stigma.”55
Critics said Ford was giving Nixon a pass and some skeptics even believed that the price of Nixon giving up the presidency was the promise of a pardon. No evidence of that exists. Ford did find a measure of satisfaction in Nixon’s acceptance of the pardon. Nixon admitted a degree of responsibility, saying that he was “wrong in not acting more decisively and more forthrightly in dealing with Watergate, particularly when it reached the stage of judicial proceedings and grew from a political scandal into a national tragedy.” This “imputation of guilt” stems from the 1915 Supreme Court Case, Burdick v. United States. Donald Rumsfeld, then Ford’s chief of staff, wrote in his memoirs that Ford “kept a clipping of the Burdick case’s ruling in his wallet.”56
Ford himself did pay the price for his mercy. Two years later he lost a tightly contested election to Jimmy Carter. Historians believe that Ford’s pardon of Nixon damaged him to a degree that made him vulnerable to defeat. Carter represented a fresh start and Ford himself, a merciful person, was tainted by his decision to show mercy to a fallen president. Ford himself did not regret the pardon and in doing so showed a spirit of grace—it’s more about the giving than the taking.
Mercy in Conflict
Sometimes the desire to serve drives good people to make sacrifices for others. “The war against the hospitals is designed to break the will of the rebellion. But as long as some will fight for mercy, there is reason for all to hope.” That is how Scott Pelley, correspondent for CBS’s 60 Minutes, signed off his program on the assistance that the Syrian American Medical Society is providing to casualties of the Syrian civil war.
The war is noted for its sheer brutality as troops loyal to Bashar Al Hassad take extreme measures to wipe out resistance, including the targeting of hospitals. “It’s the worse humanitarian crisis of our lifetimes,” Dr. Basel Termanini, a gastroenterologist from Steubenville, Ohio, said. The real heroes are the Syrian medical staffers who remain inside Syria despite the relentless conflict. “They know they risk in their lives, every day risking their family’s life.” They are the last line of medical assistance. The work is dangerous. More than 800 medical professionals have lost their lives trying to help the injured. “Whatever they need,” said Termanini, “we try to fulfill.”
The Syrian America Medical Society has raised over $150 million in relief aid, which pays the salaries of Syrian staffers as well as provides relief services to other war-torn countries. SAM also coordinates the pro bono services of assisting physicians. Its physicians and staffers have delivered more than 100,000 babies and performed more than 400,000 surgeries.
Dr. Samer Attar from Chicago has volunteered to work in Syrian hospitals plying his craft as an orthopedic surgeon. Tamer Ghanem, a surgeon from Detroit, does facial reconstruction in a hospital located in Turkey on the border with Syria. These physicians have busy practices—not to mention safety at home in the U.S. but they feel the calling to serve others in war zones. Syrian medical staff told Dr. Samer, “that they would rather risk their lives dying in Syria trying to save lives than grow old comfortably from a distance watching the world fall apart.” Samer feels similarly. “Twenty years from now, I didn’t want to look back and say I wasn’t a part of that.” Despite the horror of man’s inhumanity to man, you can find men and women willing to provide aid, even when it means endangering their own lives. Mercy, yes. Love—even more so.57
Forgiveness in the Face of Rage
Forgiveness is rooted in mercy, which is an attribute of grace. The ability to forgive someone who has done you wrong is an act of mercy. While there is an expectation of an apology for a transgression, forgiveness is an expression of mercy that does not demand it. Skip Prichard, veteran CEO and leadership author, grew up in a household where his parents, out of the goodness of their hearts, took in people who “were abused, addicted, abandoned.” As a kid growing up, he thought all families did as his parents did. Growing up this way, Skip learned how to see people for who they really are rather than what they might seem. Once, as Skip told me, “my mom, Diane, was working with a young, troubled young lady who was taking classes at a beauty school. And my mom volunteered to have her haircut.” The young woman, distraught and upset and seeking to provoke a confrontation, ended up shaving half of Diane’s hair. It was not intended as a fashion statement; it was a venting of anger. His mother didn’t blink. She simply stood up and gave the woman a hug. “It’s okay, honey. I love you.” The young lady broke down in tears. “What my mom recognized was ‘I’m going to see the person inside you,’” Skip says. Diane met rage with love. “That’s compassion,” says Skip, “reacting in love when the expectation is you’d react in hatred and anger.”
Acting on Compassion
Acting for the benefit of others is something that Mamadou Gassama did not contemplate in advance; it was something he did, almost automatically. Mamadou was walking down a Paris street minding his own business, as immigrants from Africa are wont to do when he heard a commotion and saw people pointing upwards. A 4-year old boy was dangling from a porch balcony four stories above the street.
Mamadou responded immediately and began climbing the outside face of the balconies. First floor, second floor, and then the third. Then with a powerful thrust upward he heaved himself up onto the fourth balcony and reached over and pulled the child who was still dangling precariously into his arms. The French dubbed him “Le Spider-Man” in honor of the action hero comic book character. A video of the daring rescue, filmed from street level, was posted online and went viral. Mamadou was quoted later as saying that the higher he climbed the more energy he gained. The crowd below was cheering, and their energy likely helped him heave himself upward floor by floor.
The courage Mamadou, age 22, showed in his climb may have been honed on his journey from Chad, years earlier, crossing the desert and eventually the Mediterranean Sea where he ended up in Italy. In 2018, he crossed illegally into France to join his brother, like so many of his fellow countryman who flee north to escape grinding poverty and periodic arm conflicts. Mamadou later spoke to reporters about the incident saying, “I saw all these people shouting, and cars sounding their horns. So, I crossed the road to go save him.” Later after the child was safe, the effect of what he had done washed over him. “I started to shake, I could hardly stand up. I had to sit down.”
One day later Mamadou was welcomed by French president, Emmanuel Macron, and awarded a gold medal for “courage and devotion.” He was also granted “residency papers” that will allow him to work legally in France. Furthermore, he landed a job with the Paris firefighters where Macron said members were “eager to welcome” him. In addition, Macron invited Mamadou to apply for citizenship “because France is built on desire, and Mr. Gassama’s commitment clearly showed that he has that desire.” 58
Compassionate Courage
“The courage of life,” John F. Kennedy wrote in book Profiles in Courage, “is often less a dramatic spectacle than the courage of a final moment; but it is no less a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy.” In his acceptance speech upon receiving the 2017 Profile in Courage Award, former President Barack Obama referenced President Kennedy and his family when he spoke about the role that courage plays in daily life. Obama recalled the late Senator Ted Kennedy telling him about the times when he would stroll the halls of the cancer ward when his son Teddy, Jr. was being treated in the seventies. While the elder Kennedy did not worry about paying for his son’s treatment, this was not the case for so many other parents of children in the cancer ward. Parents did not complain; they simply did their best for their children. Courage requires endurance. And their courage inspired Ted Kennedy to devote his energies toward providing affordable health care.
“That’s what the ordinary courage of everyday people can inspire when you’re paying attention, the quiet sturdy courage of ordinary people doing the right thing day in and day out,” said Obama. “They don’t get attention for it. They don’t seek it. They don’t get awards for it. But that’s what’s defined America.” Obama said he often saw courage in the example of men and women he met throughout his presidency. “We lose sight sometimes of our own obligations, each of ours, all the quiet acts of courage that unfold around us every single day, ordinary Americans who give something of themselves not for personal gain but for the enduring benefit of another.”
Obama noted the courage of first responders and service men and women, but he noted a more universal demonstration of it. “The courage of a single mom who is working two jobs to make sure her kid can go to college. The courage of a small business owner who’s keeping folks on the payroll because he knows the family relies on it, even if it’s not always the right thing to do bottom line. The courage of somebody who volunteers to help some kids who need help.” Courage then becomes less “a dramatic spectacle” than a daily act of giving, of sacrificing your time for the betterment of others.
Courage is inextricably linked to leadership because to lead others requires both the exultation of self as well as the sublimation of that same self. That is, you need to put yourself forward in order for others to follow and when you are in the lead you put their needs ahead of yourself. That requires courage certainly, one, to answer the call to lead, and two, to step aside as necessary. Courage, however, must have context. As President Kennedy once said, “Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction.” In other words, you need to apply courage—and the requisite effort—in order to accomplish something worthwhile. The application of purpose gives impetus as well as meaning to courage.59
While we apply the term courage to those we regard as heroes—and rightly so—we overlook the courage that it takes to face life’s challenges. The nature of our human frailty dictates that sometimes we are spineless. We may back down when the boss challenges our ideas, or we may avoid having that painful but necessary conversation with a direct report. We may even take that “cowardice” with us home, avoiding similar talks with spouses, children, and parents. When we do so, we are negating our inner resourcefulness, our own inherent courage. Recognizing that flaw means we are aware, and with determination we can summon that strength when we need it. It just takes courage.
Gracious Courage
He was a man eleven months removed from the longest consecutive games played in a series in major league history. Yet as he shuffled, and with some assistance, to the microphone he seemed a pale shadow of his once commanding physique. His body drooped as if his powerful biceps and tree trunk-like thighs hung from his bones. He was the image of a spent man. Physically. Lou Gehrig, the Iron Horse, captain of the New York Yankees, the biggest ball club in the biggest city in America, leaned down and forward. His voice was hoarse, but it resonated with strength. He was back, if only for a moment, to enjoy the adulation of the New York fans who kept cheering. He was willing them to stop, but how? Then he spoke:
Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.
Gehrig, gaunt and drawn, looked at everyone else but himself. He cited his owner and two managers.
Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn’t consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day? Sure, I’m lucky. Who wouldn’t consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert? Also, the builder of baseball’s greatest empire, Ed Barrow?
To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy? Sure, I’m lucky.
Gehrig was always in the vernacular of the day, a good sport, citing here their cross-town National League rivals.
When the New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift—that’s something. When everybody down to the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies— that’s something.
Gehrig made it personal. His own relationship with his mother was strained by his marriage. It was she who was overly controlling but Lou played it straight. And as author Richard Sandomir notes, it was Eleanor’s mother, Mrs. Twitchell, who nursed him in his final months of life.
When you have a wonderful mother-in-law, who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter—that’s something. When you have a father and a mother who work all their lives, so you can have an education and build your body—it’s a blessing.
And this is as personal as it gets. Eleanor Gehrig was the love of his life.
When you have a wife, who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed—that’s the finest I know.
Historians debate about how much Gehrig knew about his condition. On this day, however, he was looking ahead.
So, I close in saying that I may have had a tough break, but I have an awful lot to live for.
When the speech, given impromptu and without notes, was done, Gehrig slipped from the field and back down into the Yankee clubhouse, never to set foot on a major league baseball diamond again. The day was hot, and Gehrig said later he was soaking wet with sweat. He died two years later on June 2, 1941 of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), or simply, “Lou Gehrig’s disease.”
Complete recordings of the speech do not exist, and newsreel footage is incomplete. And as Richard Sandomir points out in his book, The Pride of the Yankees: Lou Gehrig, Gary Cooper and the Making of a Classic, in the movie that immortalized Gehrig for the ages, sportswriters felt free to summarize what he had said, sometimes faithfully, sometimes not. And for that reason, some of the names of players he cited are omitted.
You can tell a good deal about a man when he’s facing his end and Gehrig’s moment of farewell was less about him than about his experiences and all the good things he had experienced in baseball from his days at Columbia University to stardom with the Yankees.
Gehrig even served for a time, after the Yankees, as a labor commissioner for the City of New York. Appointed by Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia, Gehrig counseled—what we would today call “at risk youth.” One man who was sent to see him was none other than Rocky Graziano, then a two-bit punk with a criminal record. Whether Gehrig set him straight is conjecture, but years later Graziano became the heavyweight boxing champion of the world and retired undefeated. Kindness is an example, and even under duress, it becomes more evident.60
There is a curious backstory that Richard Sandomir tells about Gary Cooper on a USO tour to entertain troops in the South Pacific. The year was 1943 and the fighting on the islands that Cooper visited was intense. While GIs, of course, wanted to see the starlets in the show, when Cooper visited New Guinea, one soldier called out to Cooper to do the “Luckiest Man” speech. Others, who had seen The Pride of the Yankees, echoed the GI’s request. Cooper, ever the obliging star, asked for a moment to recollect his lines; it had been a year and a half since he had filmed the speech. He scribbled some notes and gave his rendition. It was so popular that Cooper repeated it at all his stops, including a culminating show at the Royal Theatre in Sydney, Australia.
There was, as Sandomir writes, something in the words of a dying man looking at his end without rancor, choosing instead to focus on the positive things and life in the future that resonated with the troops fighting far from home in a forgotten corner of the world. Cooper/Gehrig reminded them of what they were fighting for in the Pacific, and if luck would have it, enjoy once again stateside.
Compassion at the VA
Many of those then young GIs who Cooper met overseas would one day find themselves in old age under treatment in a Veteran’s Administration hospital. Kindness extends to all parts of life, including its parting. Dr. Sanjay Saint, a clinical professor of internal medicine at the University of Michigan who also serves as Chief of Medicine at the Ann Arbor VA Medical Center, wrote a moving essay about the Final Salute, the process of acknowledging the passing of a veteran.
After the family is called for a final visit, the body is put on a gurney and draped with the flag. Taps sound over the PA system. It is “the signal for the health care workers, and, especially, their fellow soldiers, to come to the doors of their rooms. Civilians stand with their hands on their hearts. Veterans give the military salute, standing if they are able.”
Dr. Saint continues, “Rituals and ceremonies are important links to the past, and they are reminders of what it takes to improve tomorrow.” “Being a VA doctor gives me pride, no more so than when I watch how our VA honors those veterans who have died.” Dr. Saint cites Abraham Lincoln’s insistence on treating veterans as he said in his Second Inaugural Address, “To care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow, and his orphan.” Dr. Saint notes that when he was in medical school, his patients at the VA were veterans from World War I. Now it’s those from World War II as well as Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan. And most of his colleagues feel “inspired by those [veterans] who entrust us with their care and their lives.”61
Giving While Suffering
David Feherty is another person who devotes service to those in uniform. Feherty is one of the funniest storytellers—certainly the funniest former PGA Tour pro—you will find on television. And he’s on television a great deal since he works as a golf analyst for NBC Sports and does a series of shows for the Golf Channel. His patter is insightful as well as “rolling on the floor” funny, which hides part of his personality.
Feherty is also a recovering alcoholic who mourns daily the loss of his son, Shey, who died from alcohol and cocaine consumption at age 29. The son had spiraled out of control and Feherty had been advised to keep his distance, at least financially, as a means of helping him find sobriety. And as is the case with so many parents who lose children to addiction, he blames himself.
Feherty is very open with his own struggles. In his first season of Feherty, he told the story of his daughter offering to bring him a bottle of Bushmill’s whisky, asking him with childhood innocence, “What are you addicted to?” Golf Channel president Mike McCarley recalls the moment the show aired, “That’s when we really started to get a lot of letters and emails from addicts, from people who didn’t really think there were shows on television with people like them. That’s when we knew we were really striking a chord that was greater than golf.”
An insightful Golf Digest profile of Feherty, written by sportswriter and best-selling author, John Feinstein, captures Feherty’s wit as well as his pain. What resonates clearly is Feherty’s willingness to be there for others. Fellow Northern Ireland golfer and close friend, Rory McIlroy says, “David does best when he’s thinking about anything but David. It’s why he’s so good with helping others but struggles at times to help himself.”
Feherty credits his second wife, Anita, whom he married in 1996, for saving him from drink and drugs. He was trying to raise his two sons and not functioning well at all. He was so thin she thought he might be HIV positive. It took him more than a decade of trying to embrace sobriety. She manages his career, including his finances. She says this about him: “I think that his genuine kindness has given him a few mulligans in life, more than most people get.”
Feherty regularly entertains the troops; his surviving son is in the Texas National Guard and has been deployed to combat zones. Beginning in 2005, Feherty’s work with veterans echoes his roots. “I grew up in Northern Ireland—it was a war zone,” he says. “There were troops on the street. They were fighting an enemy that hid behind women and children, that wouldn’t wear a uniform. Sectarian murders, bombs going off, it all seems familiar to me, the war in Iraq.” With Rick Kell, he founded the Troops First Foundation. His efforts are appreciated. In 2013 the Army awarded Feherty the U.S. Army’s Outstanding Civilian Service Award.”
Feherty’s support network includes three former presidents, Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton, who reminded him that he was a great dad, which he knew, and he wanted to offer, “anything he could to help.” Golf legend Tom Watson was the one who finally convinced Feherty to give up alcohol. Watson, also in recovery, said he saw himself in the younger man. As quick-witted as Feherty is, he prefers the company of himself. Yet he goes on stage regularly with his two-hour standup comedy gig. Stage fright is never far away. He told Feinstein over the course of his show, he has lost his pace, saying, “Totally frozen and unable to go on? Close, but no. Not yet.” Feherty in a way was born to entertain. He had studied opera with the possibility of performing professionally. He chose golf where his wit and charm endeared him to fellow pros and the public.
And, while he suffers from depression and bi-polarity, Feherty puts himself out there for others. The reason his friends are loyal to him is that he is loyal to them. And his capacity for doing good for others—despite his pain—means he serves as an example for others.62
“Being Hope”
One of the leaders I interviewed for this book—Dave Johnson—knows what it is like to live with the pain—like Feherty—of losing his son. As Dave, a former nurse and family therapist, told me, “I think there comes a time and space in our lifetime where we recognize that hope is not esoteric, it’s very tangible, it’s concrete and it’s within each of us, our ability to be intentional about being an anchor for someone during a time of need.”Dave put his thoughts into an essay he titled, “Being Hope.”
In my youth, I felt like I didn’t have enough life experience to give what was needed. As I aged, I experienced enough of my own trauma that I feared I would grow cynical. I am not a violent person, but I recall punching a wall one day after hearing a story about the death of a child. It was too close to my own heart, having lost my oldest son, Justin, to cancer. I cried at our staffing (a meeting of therapists to help ourselves stay grounded by reviewing new clients) that day. “How can I bring hope?” I would often ponder. The last thing folks in healthcare or counseling need is a Pollyanna-ish, “The sun will come out tomorrow” or likeminded cliché. How could a counselor, friend, parent, sibling, spouse, confidant, etc. provide an anchor in a life storm to someone in need?”
Dave answers his question with these words: “I believe it’s by being hope.” Manifesting hope for Dave means cultivating it personally and then sharing it with others. Dave argues that to develop hope you must do four things: one, protect it; two, cultivate it through mindfulness; three, invite hope; and four, deliver hope. In this way, we nurture the hope within ourselves. And doing so enables us to share it with others.
Hope is essential to our lives:
“We all need the antidote of hope. Hope for our personal family, community, and world well-being. Hope truly is a big word. When we feel lost, confused, grief-stricken, ill or immobilized by fear, it is hope that anchors our soul and bridges us to new land, dreams and a brighter future.”
Dave also believes in a connection between hope and grace because both require the sense of presence, the investment of self into the life of another. “Grace is probably the energetic field of hope,” as he told me. “I can feel it, there’s an energy that moves around and around and around and you can sense it,” he said.
Dave Johnson tells a story from when he was sixteen and working as an orderly. Responding to an emergency call in the hospital, he saw a teenager who was bleeding profusely. “My eyes joined hers, and when I peered into her eyes, I saw something that I’d never seen before. It was despair, it was hopelessness.” The girl had cut herself in an attempt to end her life. But as her eyes met Dave’s, she calmed down, and later Dave spent time with her while she was being treated in the emergency room.
Flash forward thirty-seven years. Dave is driving down a country road in Indiana and stops at a yard sale. There was a glass bowl he was interested in purchasing that he thought would look good in his garden. As he was considering the purchase, a woman about his age approached him and called him his name. “You were my nurse. And you saved my life,” she said. Dave, of course, was not yet a nurse back then but as he says now, “It’s synchronicity. I looked into her eyes again, and they were joy-filled, and they were good, and they were kind. I don’t know that I changed her life trajectory as much as she changed mine . . . If you’re truly present with people, they respond. So, we’re vessels of hope, we’re beacons of light, I mean those are all metaphors to interpret, but it’s the eyes” that reveal the inner self. 63
Compassion as Gratitude
Revealing our inner selves enables us to be more open and giving to others. “Gratitude is like cholera” is the opening line from “Be More Grateful,” a chapter in Chris Lowney’s book, Make Today Matter: 10 Habits for a Better Life (and World.) “Both are highly contagious, potent and spread person to person,” Lowney writes. “But cholera induces death, gratitude induces happiness.” A former Jesuit seminarian turned investment banker, Lowney knows something about disease having lived abroad, including in some of the poorest parts of the world.
It was in his corporate career, however, that one lesson in gratitude resonates. It was an email from his boss thanking him for the good work he had done on a project. Lowney (whom I interviewed for this book) confesses he read and re-read that email multiple times throughout the year; it always gave him the get-up-and-go he needed, especially when confronting obstacles—human and otherwise. Gratitude, as a topic, is au courant. You will find it embedded in self-help books, plastered on posters, and tweeted throughout cyberspace. And rightly so! Gratitude is the grease that makes working with others easier; it dampens the sparks that occur when co-workers rub each other the wrong way.
Gratitude can be defined in two parts: external and internal. Let’s take external because I think it is the easier of the two to master. Why? Because it is action oriented. We counsel those in authority to make certain to thank those who report to them.
That simple recognition can take the form of a year-end bonus (which is what Lowney also received with his thank you note) or a simple email. More importantly the gratitude you show to others must be sincere. It would be tempting to say, “from the heart,” but since management structures are “heartless,” the challenge is to keep the affirmation real.
Settle for a direct and frank appreciation. Make it known how much you value an individual’s contributions. Be as specific as possible. Delineate what the individual has done to receive a thank you and tell him or her how much his or her work is appreciated. Simple words certainly, but they go a long way. All of us cherish moments of authentic recognition.64
There are tangible benefits to gratitude. According to a study by Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough, respondents who felt gratitude had a more positive outlook on life. The authors concluded that “a conscious focus on blessings may have emotional and interpersonal benefits.” Sam Walker, writing in the Wall Street Journal, cited this study as well as a 2012 study from John Templeton Foundation that reported “a majority of people believe gratitude pays dividends at work. Of those surveyed, 71% said they’d feel better about themselves if their boss expressed more gratitude for their efforts, while 81% said they would work harder.”
Cheryl Baker of Give and Take, Inc. (whom we met in Chapter 3) cited research from the Royal Society of Open Science that when people ask for help, they receive it, some 80% of the time. Baker notes however that less than 6% of those who receive assistance say thank you. As Baker notes, “It’s great that people are inclined to help when asked [but] troublesome that givers are so rarely thanked.” To make her point, Baker cited ten benefits to “expressing thanks.” For example, when employees are thanked, according to research conducted by the University of Pennsylvania’ Wharton School of Business, productivity increased. A 2014 study that appeared in the journal Emotion noted that people feel more connected when they are thanked. And as an Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being article reported from a 2011 study, “grateful people sleep better. Other studies say when people are thanked, they tend to be physically and mentally healthy, find greater satisfaction at work, and demonstrate higher levels of self-esteem, including the lowering of negative emotions such as “aggression and jealousy.” This clearly tells us that expressing gratitude benefits not only the receiver but the giver.65
The second definition of gratitude may be trickier to master because it deals with our inner selves. We humans are adept at fooling ourselves. We can go through the motions like circus acrobats, hurling through life without seeming to miss a step or a hand-off, when in reality we are missing everything. Why? We have deadened ourselves to the joy that comes from recognizing ourselves as people who belong to other people—at work, at home, in our community.
Gratitude then is the recognition that you have something to offer the world and the world has something to offer you. Lowney quotes Cicero, the great Roman orator, who wrote, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of all virtues, but the parent of all.” The old Roman, who gave his life for the Republic, was right. If you cannot feel gratitude, you cannot feel overall, and if you cannot sense then you cannot exert courage, demonstrate integrity, or show love. For one simple reason, you lack the capacity to care.
By contrast, gratitude is that capacity to care. We need to reframe our lives with a constant awareness of just how important feeling gratitude within ourselves is, because it actually helps our overall well-being.
It’s important to acknowledge that you have something to offer and you can deliver. From that recognition comes the thanks you need to be grateful—for who you are and what you have. “Make gratitude your attitude” may look good plastered on a poster or sent via Twitter but it’s not enough to say it, you need to live it —outside and in!66
Compassion is the reflection of need in others and the desire within us to help.
Compassion: What the Leaders Say
Compassion is an expression of grace that puts the needs of the other before the needs of the self.
***
“Compassion is understanding people in their context and helping them from where they are,” says Mike McKinney. “Compassionate leaders focus on the culture because they see the connection between individuals and individual problems and the environment people are in.”
Scott Moorehead builds on the idea of the right environment. “To me, there’s a continuum here that starts with caring. And you have to allow a system where people will care. And then ultimately, you have to teach people empathy. So, empathy is the continuation of caring . . . Once you cease focusing on yourself and feel what someone else feels then you’ve experienced empathy. But then the continuation of empathy is compassion, which is where you’ve experienced empathy, and now you’re absolutely called to do something about it.”
For Alaina Love, one cannot demonstrate compassion without self-awareness. “When you can connect with your own true feelings and be honest with yourself about them, the good, the bad, and the ugly, then you develop a muscle. And that muscle allows you to understand and feel compassion for others when they’re going through a challenging time. And as you practice that muscle strength and your ability to show up for the other person gets stronger.”
Chris Lowney agrees. “Whenever I’m irritated by somebody, I try to say to myself . . . “I understand there’s something going on inside you that makes you behave in a way that is irritating me right now,’” Recognizing one’s own limited sense of patience can be the means of connecting with others. “The reality is I can be compassionate and loving but still understand that there are times when I have to do something that’s going to be unpopular or difficult for you to accept.”
Skip Prichard grew up in a home where compassion was a way of life. His parents took into their home people in need. “Wherever you were from, all ages, all races, all types of people, and they were all troubled. They were abused, addicted, abandoned. And it was an incredibly way to live. It was an incredibly way to grow up . . . And some people stayed for a day. And some people stayed with us for years.”
“Compassion is energy as well, it’s as soft, it’s tender, it’s loving, it’s kind,” says Dave Johnson. He associates it with the imagery of a mother soothing a baby as she sways that child from right to left or left to right, the movement, the motion is kind and gentle. She may sing, she may touch, but it’s a movement, and so I see compassion as movement as well.”
“Compassion is an intrinsic motivation you act on,” says Tim Sanders “That intrinsic motivation is that others in your life do not suffer unnecessarily. What I think of in terms of showing compassion as a leader is reducing unnecessary suffering.”
Stephen M.R. Covey views compassion as a combination of empathy and understanding. It is also the willingness to endure suffering with someone else. “We suffer with the person. We walk with them. We sacrifice with them. We mourn with them. We love them.” It is part of what Stephen calls “the journey” of “walking with them” through an experience, through their lives
***
Think about these questions:
Graceful Leadership Steps
Compassion—regarding the dignity of others as worthwhile
51 John Baldoni “John Feal Teaches Us What It Means to Serve Others” Forbes.com 9/12/2017
Terry Gross “September 11 First Responder Fights on Behalf of Others Who Rushed to Help” Fresh Air NPR 9/11/2017
Wikipedia: James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Zadroga_9/11_Health_and_Compensation_Act
Feal Good Foundation http://fealgoodfoundation.com
52 John Baldoni “Fostering a Sense of Belonging Promotes Success” Forbes.com 1/22/2017
Wikipedia: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
53 John Baldoni “Homeboy Humility: Growing Stronger and Better By Listening” Forbes.com 12/21/2017
John Baldoni “Lessons from Father Greg Boyle: Eating Your Humble Pie” SmartBrief.com 8/24/2018
http://www.smartbrief.com/original/2018/08/lessons-father-greg-boyle-eating-your-humble-pie
Chris Lowney Heroic Leadership: Best Practices from a 450-Year-Old Company That Changed the World Chicago: Loyola Press 2005
Gregory Boyle Barking to the Choir: The Power of Radical Kinship New York Simon & Schuster 2017
54 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_quality_of_mercy_(Shakespeare_quote)
Merchant of Venice Act IV, Scene 1 Merchant of Venice
55 Bob Woodward “Ford, Nixon Sustained Friendship for Decades” Washington Post 12/29/2006
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/28/AR2006122801247.html
56 https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/ford-explains-his-pardon-of-nixon-to-congress
Donald Rumsfeld “How the Nixon Pardon Tore the Ford Administration Part” Politico.com 5/20/2018 Excerpt from Donald Rumsfeld When the Center Held: Gerald Ford and the Rescue of the American Presidency (New York: Free Press/Simon & Schuster) 2018
57 Scott Pelley “When Hospitals Become Targets in Syria’s Civil War” 60 Minutes CBS 8/05/2018 (Re-broadcast of program that aired in Fall 2017)
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/when-hospitals-become-targets-in-syria-civil-war-60-minutes/
Syrian American Medical Society https://www.sams-usa.net
58 Aurelian Breeden and Alan Cowell “’Spider-Man,’ a Migrant in Paris, Scales Building to Save Child New York Times 5/28/2018; Sylvie Corbet and Elaine Ganley France: Macron rewards migrant hero Associated Press 5/2/2018
59 John Baldoni “Barack Obama: In Praise of Everyday Courage” Forbes.com 8/09/2017
https://www.forbes.com/sites/johnbaldoni/2017/08/09/barack-obama-in-praise-of-everyday-courage/
“Barack Obama: Profile in Courage Speech: Read the transcript” Time.com 5/08/2017
http://time.com/4770353/barack-obama-profile-courage-speech-transcript/
60 Text of Lou Gehrig’s Address at Yankee Stadium on July 4, 1939
https://www.si.com/mlb/2009/07/04/gehrig-text; Richard Sandomir The Pride of the Yankees: Lou Gehrig, Gary Cooper and the Making of a Classic New York: Hachette Books 2017
61 Sanjay Saint M.D. “A VA hospital you may not know: The Final Salute, and how much we doctors care” The Conversation 3/30/2018
62 John Feinstein “After the Tragedy of Losing a Son, David Feherty” Golf Digest July 2018
Marisa Guthrie “CBS Sports’ David Feherty on His Mental Illness and Pill-Popping: ‘He’s Got Every Psychosis There Is’” Hollywood Reporter n7/16/2014, [Award, Golf Channel inspiration]
https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/cbs-sports-david-feherty-his-718538
63 Author interview with Dave Johnson 8/10/2018
Dave Johnson Ph.D. “Being Hope” Parkview Health August 2018 (Used with permission.)
64 John Baldoni “Gratitude: A Lesson in Two Parts” Forbes.com 4/04/2018
https://www.forbes.com/sites/johnbaldoni/2018/04/04/gratitude-a-lesson-in-two-parts/
Chris Lowney Make Today Matter: 10 Habits for a Better Life (and World) Chicago: Loyola Press 2018 p. 61 [Gratitude quote]
65 Sam Walker “The Plymouth Colony and the Business Case for Gratitude” Wall Street Journal 11/25/2018
https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-plymouth-colony-and-the-business-case-for-gratitude-1543162842
Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough “Counting Blessings versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2003 Vol. 84, No. 2, 377-389
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/pdfs/GratitudePDFs/6Emmons-BlessingsBurdens.pdf?mod=article_inline
Cheryl Baker “10 Reasons to Say Thank You at Work” The Give and Take Blog 9/05/2018
66 John Baldoni “Gratitude: A Lesson in Two Parts” Forbes.com 4/04/2018
https://www.forbes.com/sites/johnbaldoni/2018/04/04/gratitude-a-lesson-in-two-parts/
Chris Lowney Make Today Matter: 10 Habits for a Better Life (and World) Chicago: Loyola Press 2018 p. 67 [Cicero quote]