Great Sex, Naturally

Like many people, when you hear the word aphrodisiac, you probably think in terms of lotions, potions, pills, herbs, oils, aromas, nutrients, or supplements. All of the aphrodisiacs we’ve explored in the preceding chapter fit into these categories. By some broader definitions, however, the term may be used to encompass many other kinds of tools and techniques you can use to arouse desire, intensify erotic feelings, incite passion, or otherwise magnify your pleasure potential.

In this chapter, we’ll peruse pleasure-enhancers in this wider sense—an eclectic category that includes Western and Eastern approaches, embraces modern and ancient means, and ranges from down-to-earth practical solutions to mind-expanding methods of amplifying and stretching your capacity for erotic sensation. We’ll take a close look at stimulating lubricants, techniques for increasing the flow of chi to your genitals, special libido-elevating devices and procedures, tantric practices, and more. Whether any of these tools and techniques qualify as aphrodisiacs in the conventional sense may be a matter of academic opinion. In any event, many of them can certainly have aphrodisiac-like qualities, and you may find that their effects unquestionably establish them as major sex-boosters.

As with conventional aphrodisiacs, the sex-enhancers in this category are likely to be most effective when you have abundant health—for example, if you’ve applied the techniques in Chapter 1 for maximizing your mental and spiritual well-being, as well as the other lifestyle recommendations in Chapter 2. Your health itself, as we pointed out in Chapter 5, can be a potent aphrodisiac.

At the same time, the pleasure facilitators we’ll explore in this chapter, like the aphrodisiacs in the previous chapter, can help to transform your sex life regardless of whether you currently feel a need to recharge your sexual energy or you already have a robust libido and would like to further stimulate it. Either way, the tools and techniques you’ll discover in the pages ahead have the potential to play an important role in enhancing your sexual health and libido.

As we shift our focus to sexual lubricants of all kinds, it’s worth noting that this group of enhancers dovetails perfectly with the category of aphrodisiacs we’ve explored thus far. Any of the enhancers in the preceding chapter, by stimulating your libido, can increase your need for sexual lubricants.

In turn, the sexual lubricants you use can further promote your pleasure in a variety of ways. Some serve as gentle enhancers and “indirect aphrodisiacs” by moistening your vaginal and vulvar tissues, mimicking and multiplying the effects of your body’s own natural lubrication and allowing you to have sex that feels relatively friction-free. There are lots of lovely lubricants in this group to choose from.

Another class of sexual lubricants can be described as “extrasensual enhancers”—agents that can induce arousal and augment sexual pleasure. These act as aphrodisiacs in a more direct way. They simulate the effects of your body’s natural lubrication while at the same time further stimulating pleasure through other means; this ability to simultaneously simulate and stimulate makes them unique among pleasure-enhancers.

Any sexual lubricant you use should be as natural and healthy as possible, because the receptive mucous membranes of your vagina and vulva can easily absorb their ingredients into your body. Examine their ingredients as carefully as the foods you eat; some products presented as natural and healthy include synthetic or toxic compounds that could undermine your health. Many synthetic lubricants contain chemicals first designed for use on automobiles or in oven cleaners, so it’s no surprise that some women experience unpleasant reactions. The following is a short list of ingredients to avoid putting on your sensitive genital tissues:

—Parabens. Parabens are synthetic preservatives that can be absorbed through your skin. They can mimic estrogen in your body, and may be linked to increased risk of breast cancer.

—Petroleum or petroleum-derived ingredients. Whenever possible, refrain from using products with petroleum-based ingredients, including multipurpose lubricants like Vaseline petroleum jelly, on your genitals. They may contain impurities linked to cancer and other health conditions; they can also coat your skin, impeding its normal functions and not allowing it to “breathe.”

—Silicone oils. Silicone oils may have toxic side effects, and as with petroleum-based products, they may coat your skin, affecting its normal functions and permeability. Silicone can have many names on product labels, including dimethicone, highly polymerized methyl polysilozane, methyl polysiloxane, mirasil DM 20, and viscasil 5M.

—Phenoxyethanol. At high concentrations, phenoxyethanol can be harmful if absorbed through your skin, cause reproductive damage, and according to the FDA, depress the central nervous system in newborns. The breakdown of phenoxyethanol in your body releases phenol, which can adversely affect your immune system. The Environmental Working Group (EWG), a nonprofit research organization, lists phenoxyethanol as a moderate hazard, with possible links to toxicity and skin irritation. Although it’s found in very low concentrations in some sexual lubricants, you’d do best to keep away from it—especially when many products without it are available.

—Glycerin and glucose. As sugars, glycerin and glucose may feed candida, a yeast that’s normally present in small amounts in the healthy vagina, but which can proliferate and cause vaginal yeast infections in women prone to them.

—Propylene glycol. Propylene glycol may cause burning or tissue irritation in some women. Astroglide, a common over-the-counter lubricant, contains this ingredient.

—Chlorhexidine. An ingredient in some multipurpose lubricants, such as K-Y jelly, chlorhexidine can be irritating to some women.

Even if you haven’t had problems with synthetic lubricants, using natural products can make a difference in your sex life. In the pages that follow you’ll explore some lubricants we’ve found, both moistening and extra-stimulating, that claim to be more or less natural, and we’ll compare their pros and cons. Not all are recommended; as you’ll discover, some contain ingredients you may want to avoid. Manufacturers sometimes change ingredients in their products—some lubricants that seem appealing now could later became problematic, or vice versa—so you need to stay vigilant and make sure the products you use remain beneficial. (And refrain from using anything if you are allergic to any of its ingredients, or your partner is, or if it causes either of you any discomfort.)

The lubricants in this group not only facilitate sex by replicating the effects of your body’s natural lubrication—most have a distinctly “slippery” quality conducive to pleasurable sex—but many also hydrate your vulvar and vaginal tissues, which can provide additional long-term benefits for your sexual health. (However, you can enhance pleasure by using sexual lubricants regardless of whether you need to relieve vaginal dryness.)

—Aloe Cadabra. This delightful, primarily organic lubricant contains 95 percent aloe vera gel, which makes it both an effective sexual lubricant and, if used on a daily basis, helpful for keeping your vulvar and vaginal tissues well nourished, healthy, and moisturized. It also contains vitamin E oil, xanthan (a natural food-grade gum), citric acid, trace amounts of potassium sorbate (a natural food-grade preservative), and sodium benzoate (another common food preservative). Aloe Cadabra is water based, latex-friendly, and available in three blends: Natural Aloe, Tahitian Vanilla, and French Lavender.

—Firefly Organics Intimate Botanical Moisturizing Crème. An exceptional all-natural sexual lubricant made with food-grade plant ingredients, this product by Applied Organics contains sunflower-seed extract, canola-seed extract, cocoa butter, beeswax, shea butter, and vitamin E. It’s an emollient (it softens and soothes skin), has moisturizing properties, nourishes a woman’s delicate genital tissues, and can help with midlife vaginal dryness. It’s even waterproof (in case you plan to have underwater sex). The only drawback may be that it’s incompatible with latex condoms.

—Sliquid Organics Natural (water based). The ingredients in this effective latex-friendly lubricant are water; plant cellulose from cotton; aloe; vitamin E; cyamopsis (guar conditioner); potassium sorbate; citric acid; and extracts of hibiscus, flax, alfalfa, green tea, and sunflower seed. The company also makes a lubricant called Organics Silk, but a number of its ingredients are listed by the EWG as potentially problematic, so this product is preferable.

Great Sex and Latex

We include “latex-friendly” as a criterion for a good sexual lubricant because condoms are commonly made of latex, but many people are unaware that some sexual lubricants can dissolve it, causing condoms to break apart during sex. Water-based lubricants are latex-friendly; oil-based lubricants aren’t. Whether you use latex condoms for safe sex (see Appendix G) or birth control (see Appendix H), it’s important to use latex-compatible lubricants.

—Yes Oil-Based Organic Lubricant. This hypoallergenic lubricant is pH compatible with your own vaginal tissues, beneficial for your skin (so there’s no need to wash it off), and nonstaining. Its plant-based ingredients include organic cocoa butter, organic shea butter, two organic emollient oils (almond and sunflower oil), organic beeswax, and vitamin E. This is another good lubricant that’s not compatible with latex condoms.

—Yes Water-Based Organic Lubricant. It’s unfortunate that Yes Water-Based Organic Lubricant, which is latex-friendly, contains phenoxyethanol (although its concentration is below one percent), because its other ingredients would make it a good choice: organic aloe, organic flax extract, three plant-based gums (guar, locust bean, and xanthan), citric acid, and potassium sorbate.

—Sylk Personal Lubricant. Sylk Personal Lubricant, which has a pH of 4.7 (the approximate average pH of a woman’s vagina for most of the month), contains purified water, kiwi extract, vegetable glycerin, sodium citrate, xanthan gum, citric acid, potassium sorbate, citrus-seed extract, and grapefruit-seed extract (a possible skin irritant for some women). As mentioned earlier in this chapter, the glycerin may pose a problem; however, this is an all-natural, latex-friendly lubricant with no chemical additives or artificial preservatives.

Sex-Enhancing Household Lubricants

In a pinch—maybe the mood is just right, and your passion can’t wait—you may have several lubricants among the oils right in your pantry that can enhance sex or relieve vaginal dryness: olive oil, coconut oil, and cocoa butter are especially effective; and almond oil, vegetable oil, and other natural oils can also be used (although none are latex-friendly). Steer clear of egg whites or honey, even though they’re natural; egg whites can set off acute vaginal infections, and honey may cause vaginal yeast infections in women prone to them.

—Higher Nature V Gel Sexual Lubricant. This nonstaining lubricant, safe if swallowed, is produced by Elixir Health. It contains organic aloe; purified water; glycerin; panthenol; kelgin (seaweed); comfrey; marigold; vitamins A, D, and E; zinc citrate; potassium sorbate; and the food-grade preservative sodium benzoate. As noted above, the glycerin may be of concern to some women, but otherwise this is an effective latex-friendly lubricant.

—Good Clean Love Almost Naked Personal Lubricant. This lubricant seems healthy at first glance; it contains water, agar (seaweed), aloe-leaf juice, xanthan gum, lemon citrus, and vanilla fruit. However, it also contains lactoperoxidase (a synthetic enzyme), glycerin and glucose (which, as you’ve seen, may both be problematic for some women), benzoic acid (listed by the EWG as a moderate hazard with possible links to toxicity and skin irritation), and glucose oxidase. Since this product includes ingredients that may not be right for everyone, you might want to exercise some caution when using it.

Edible Lubricants

If you want the freedom to ingest your lubricants without worrying about their health effects, there are plenty of natural options available. Here are some edible lubricants you might find suitable to your taste. (Note: Only the last is latex-friendly.)

—Honey Girl Organics Personal Lubricant. Made in Hawaii, this pure, simple lubricant can be used not only during sex but also at other times to keep your vulvar and vaginal tissues hydrated. It contains organic extra-virgin olive oil, water, organic beeswax, vitamin E, organic pollen, and organic propolis.

—Devour Me Lickable Oil. This line of oils, made with sweet almond oil, is available in flavors that include Piña Colada, Strawberry Kiss, Cherries Jubilee, Chocolate Mint, and Cème Brûlée.

—Love Balm by Sensuous Beauty. This ingestible balm is made from coconut oil; vitamin E oil; and essential oils of lavender, bergamot, and myrrh. Its long-lasting slippery sensation also makes it a good choice for full-body massages.

—Hathor Aphrodisia Lubricant Lickeurs. Available in a variety of flavors—including Coconut Orange, Chocolate Strawberry, and Hazelnut Caramel—these organic, luscious lubricants contain no honey or glycerin (they’re stevia sweetened), so they don’t increase risk of yeast infections. The other ingredients are water, vegetable propylene glycol (which, as noted, may be irritating to some women), organic flavorings, acacia gum, vitamin C, jujube zizyphus, Siberian ginseng, and epimedium.

Unlike the lubricants we’ve explored thus far, these lubricants, lotions, gels, and creams have additional built-in pleasure-promoting properties. Some provide all the benefits of moistening lubricants, but go one step further by including ingredients designed to give you a “pleasure-plus” experience. Of all types of sexual enhancers and aphrodisiacs, these are among the most immediate in their effects. They can be gently massaged directly onto your clitoris and surrounding vulva before or during sex, and they may achieve the desired effect within minutes, or even seconds.

Many stimulating lubricants contain ingredients like niacin and L-arginine that enhance arousal by promoting blood flow to your delicate clitoral and vulvar tissues. Some contain other ingredients, such as cinnamon, which increases blood flow while also creating “warming” sensations, or menthol and peppermint, which have “warming yet cooling” effects. If you have untreated VAD, or any inflammation in your vaginal area, there’s a chance that some of these stimulating ingredients could be irritating. (And if you have genital herpes, L-arginine could make you more prone to outbreaks.)

All too often, stimulating lubricants, gels, and creams contain chemicals you’ll want to avoid. Let’s look at the pros and cons of some products on the market, and consider which are the most natural and safest for your sensitive genital tissues:

—Zestra. A female arousal oil shown in studies to enhance sexual response, Zestra can also help provide moisture to your vulva and vagina. It contains borage-seed oil and evening-primrose oil, herbal extracts of angelica (known in Chinese medicine to increase circulation and flow of chi) and coleus forskholii (a smooth muscle relaxant), vitamins C and E, and theobromine (a chocolate-derived ingredient that may be a key to Zestra’s effectiveness). Zestra is available over-the-counter at many drugstores, but is not compatible with latex condoms.

—Vigorelle. A high-quality natural enhancement gel, Vigorelle is edible, pH balanced, and latex-compatible. It has a minty smell, an olive squalene base, and a consistency similar to your body’s own natural lubrication. The ingredients include L-arginine; ginkgo biloba; wild yam; damiana; suma; peppermint; tea-tree oil; vitamins A, C, and E; hyaluronic acid; aloe; shea butter; and apricot-kernel oil. It also contains vegetable glycerin, which in some women could increase the potential for vaginal yeast (although the tea-tree oil might help prevent this), and a small amount of grapefruit-seed extract, which in sensitive women could be irritating. This product’s prohibitive price may be its biggest drawback.

—Blossom Organics Pure Pleasure Arousal Gel. This water-based, latex-friendly gel contains barbadensis-leaf extract, hydroxyethyl cellulose, sorbitol, L-arginine, niacin, organic rose-hip oils, evening primrose, menthol, herbal extracts of peony and passionflower, and glycerin (which could contribute to yeast infections in susceptible women). The company also carries a warming oil that’s glycerin- and L-arginine-free—although not latex-friendly—containing many of the above ingredients in a base of sunflower, borage-seed, and linseed oils.

—Sliquid Organics Sensation. An effective latex-compatible stimulating gel, Sliquid can also help soothe and hydrate your vaginal tissues. The ingredients include water; plant cellulose; aloe; vitamin E; guar conditioners; extracts of hibiscus, flax, alfalfa, green tea, and sunflower seed; menthol; potassium sorbate; and citric acid. (This company also makes a nonstimulating lubricant, Sliquid Organics Silk, that contains the silicone product dimethicone—not recommended for your vulva or vagina.)

—Oh! Warming Lubricant. This stimulating gel by Emerita may seem healthy, but on closer inspection contains some ingredients of concern: propylene glycol (as previously indicated, a potential irritant), glycerin (which may increase likelihood of yeast infections in susceptible women), and honey (another yeast-infection concern). Its other ingredients include cinnamon, hydroxypropyl cellulose (an emulsifier, fairly benign in low doses), and lactic acid (rated as a moderate hazard by the EWG, and a possible skin irritant for some women). This product may be particularly irritating if you have VAD or your vaginal tissues are sensitive due to low estrogen during midlife. Despite the potential drawbacks, however, some women regularly use this product without problems and find it effective.

—Response Topical Sexual Arousal Cream. This is another Emerita product that looks good at first glance but includes a few ingredients you may want to avoid: glycerin (again, a potential problem for some women), sucrose (a sugar that can increase likelihood of yeast infections in susceptible women), and phenoxyethanol, which as you’ve seen may pose problems. It also contains rosemary, cinnamon, menthol, niacin, amino acids, and other natural ingredients.

—Valentra. This mostly natural, water-based, condom-friendly cream unfortunately contains dimethicone, a silicone-based compound rated by the EWG as a moderate hazard with possible links to toxicity, and which some data suggest shouldn’t be used long-term on your delicate genital tissues. It also contains vegetable glycerin, which could increase the potential for vaginal infections in some women. Other ingredients include L-arginine, vegetable squalene, wild yam, organic aloe, gotu kola, ginseng, damiana, Saint-John’s-wort, soy lecithin, vitamins A and D₃, peppermint oil, and organic oils of rose hip and evening primrose.

—Intimate Organics. Although this company offers a number of products that appear healthy and environmentally friendly—they’re made with many organic ingredients, are 100 percent vegan, and are free of many undesirable chemicals—they also contain phenoxyethanol and a few other potentially problematic ingredients.

Enhancing Sex with Erotic Stimulators

Research suggests that more than half of women use vibrators for sexual stimulation at some time in their lives. If you decide you want to do so, there are all kinds of options on the market to explore—from sleek to multipurpose, and from remote-controlled to waterproof. There are devices specifically designed to stimulate your G-spot, and others conceived for your clitoris. Some women may find that G-spot-stimulating vibrators increase their ability to experience ejaculatory orgasms, as described earlier in this book.

One company that offers a variety of vibrators you may find appealing is Natural Contours Intimate Massagers. If you’re interested in a more inventive twist, consider the Better Than Chocolate OhMiBod waterproof wireless music vibrator, which connects with your iPod to vibrate in sync with your favorite music (and to the tune of about $100). If you’re in the market for something much more exclusive, there’s the Yva—an 18-karat gold designer vibrator by the Swedish company Lelo, with a $1,500 price tag.

The next category of sensual enhancers that we’ll explore includes unique devices and methods you can use to increase your capacity for pleasure—and magnify the effects of any other type of sex-enhancer or aphrodisiac. As enhancers and aphrodisiacs go, the tools and techniques in this category could be considered “sleepers.” You might not expect them to impact your sexuality … only to be amazed by how much they have to offer. They have a way of sneaking up on your libido, turning it around, and transforming it from top to bottom.

As you discovered in Chapter 3, your “hammock” of pelvic muscles, known collectively as your PC muscle, supports your sexual organs and contributes to your sexual pleasure; when you reach orgasm, it contracts with rhythmic intensity. You also discovered that you can help create stronger, more pleasurable orgasms by strengthening your PC muscle with Kegel exercises.

In addition to Kegels, and sex itself (which also increases your PC-muscle strength), some valuable ancient and modern methods can further develop, tone, and release your PC-muscle power. Let’s explore how you can use them to increase your pleasure potential.

The exercises we call Kegels can be thought of as descendants of techniques that have been used for millennia. The ancient Chinese used weighted devices known as Ben Wa balls, inserted in the vagina, for training the pelvic muscles—a system of vaginal weight lifting, if you will, to increase a woman’s sexual ecstasy, as well as her partner’s.

Traditional Ben Wa balls, which may trace back as far as A.D. 500, consist of rounded weights of various sizes (typically between a half inch and one inch in diameter). They’ve been referred to as vagina balls, pleasure balls, and more recently, Kegel balls. Modern Ben Wa balls may be made of metal, jade, plastic, rubber, or other materials. Jade, prized for thousands of years in China, is an especially appropriate material for Ben Wa balls; according to traditional Chinese Medicine, it can help build your feminine yin chi, as well as release stuck chi and negative sexual feelings, in your vagina and pelvis.

Ben Wa balls can be solid or hollow, and some contain movable internal parts, including devices that vibrate. They’re often paired, with a string connecting them. There are many variations of Ben Wa balls available online, including Duotone balls and Smart balls, which both tend to be larger than traditional Ben Wa balls and consist of hollow balls with smaller balls inside them; the small ones bounce rhythmically inside you with each motion of your body, creating vibrating sensations that some women find highly pleasurable. These balls may make strengthening your PC muscle an extremely enjoyable experience.

With Ben Wa balls, you can take your Kegel exercises to a whole new level, using a variety of balls to strengthen and tone your vaginal walls and inner pelvic muscles. With regular use, some women experience noticeable increases in vaginal lubrication, vaginal and clitoral sensation, and orgasmic pleasure. Ben Wa balls are effective because they give you a focal point that helps you become aware of whether you’re squeezing your PC muscle; at the same time, they require you to keep your PC muscle firmly tightened to hold them in place as you move around.

The first time you use Ben Wa balls, you’ll want to be at home and begin with lightweight, larger balls. Empty your bladder, and use a small amount of lubrication on the balls if needed to insert them. Stand with one foot on a chair and gently insert them into your vagina with your finger. It should feel approximately like using a tampon. Try wearing the balls for an hour a day, then work up to longer periods of time over the course of a few weeks. In the early going, you’ll find it easier to hold the balls in place while sitting or standing with your legs together. When your PC muscle grows stronger, you’ll be able to stand with your legs apart, and eventually try the advanced technique of squatting. (Some women reach the point where they can even wear them exercising.) As you develop increasing PC strength, you’ll also be able to gradually increase the weight of the balls.

To remove Ben Wa balls, relax your PC muscle, bear down on your pelvis as if you’re coughing or having a bowel movement (squatting helps), reach your finger into your vagina, and pull them out. Some Ben Wa balls have a string attached for easy removal. (I recommend this type; one patient was unable to remove them on her own.) After each use, wash them well with warm soapy water.

Ben Wa balls shouldn’t be used if you have severe bladder or uterine prolapse (your bladder, or uterus and cervix, is extending down into your vaginal opening), you’re pregnant, it has been less than six weeks since you’ve given birth and you had incisions that haven’t healed, it has been less than six weeks since you’ve had vaginal surgery, you have a vaginal infection, or you have cervical or uterine cancer.

Another effective way to increase your capacity for pleasure, become familiar with your PC muscle, and develop its strength is with specialized weighted cones held in your vagina. Vaginal cones have numerous benefits: in addition to enhanced sexual response and erotic sensation, women who use them report improved libido, more energy, and less anxiety. They’re especially helpful for building your “resting” muscle tone—you don’t want your PC muscle too lax while at rest—and preventing and treating urinary incontinence. Vaginal cones also help prevent prolapse of the bladder or uterus, and PC muscle weakness after childbirth or menopause.

To begin using vaginal cones, wear a larger, lighter cone for one to five minutes twice daily. This helps you become aware of the cone while squeezing your PC muscle to hold it in place. Once you’re accustomed to wearing it and you’ve begun to build PC-muscle strength, you can progress to smaller, heavier cones, which require more flexing to hold in, and eventually work up to wearing heavier cones for 20 minutes twice daily. (Some types of cones may allow you to increase the weight without changing the size.) Listen to your body, and gradually lengthen the time that you wear each cone. Once you’ve mastered the technique, you can wear cones while going about your daily activities; for an extra challenge, apply enough lubricant to a cone to require greater flexing to keep it in place. Wash your cones with soap and water after each use.

It’s generally recommended that you wear vaginal cones daily over an 8- to 12-week period. For many women, this is a sufficient course of therapy to develop noticeable improvements in PC-muscle strength and pleasure during sex; others wear cones longer to obtain the desired results. You shouldn’t use vaginal cones if you have severe bladder or uterine prolapse, or any other conditions previously described that would preclude the use of Ben Wa balls. Vaginal cones are usually sold in sets containing cones of various sizes and weights. For information on purchasing them, see: www.medgo.com or www.kegelme.com.

Enhancing Your Sexuality with “Acu-pleasure”

Acupressure may not be an aphrodisiac per se, but it can certainly boost your sexual energy. For added effects, you can use it in combination with any sex-enhancer in this chapter, or any aphrodisiac in the preceding one. The following points are recommended for increasing your sexual energy, nourishing your sexual organs, and improving the flow of chi that courses through them: Kidney 27, Ren 15, Ren 17, Large Intestine 4, San Jiao 5, Pericardium 6, Heart 3, and Heart 7. To strengthen your sexual chi, press firmly on these points for a few minutes each day. To locate them, see Appendix A.

You can also enhance your capacity for pleasure with pelvic and vaginal self-massage in conjunction with acupressure. Massage stimulates your circulation, brings blood and nutrients to your tissues, releases tension, and literally helps you get in touch with your body; acupressure, as noted in the accompanying sidebar, can support your chi and your sexual energy. Their combined effects can increase your sexual vitality regardless of the condition of your PC muscle, but their benefits may be especially pronounced if it has become chronically tight.

Like many women, you may have a tight PC muscle without realizing it. This can have many causes, including consistently poor posture or body mechanics, stress, giving birth, pelvic surgery, childhood injuries, pelvic trauma, or painful sexual experiences. If your PC muscle is chronically tight, no matter how much you strengthen it with Ben Wa balls and vaginal cones, you may still be unable to fully manifest your potential for sexual pleasure. Some women with this condition have decreased sexual sensation, are subject to a variety of pelvic-health issues, and feel disconnected from their sexuality. In more extreme cases, they may have chronic PC-muscle spasms, or vaginismus (painful contractions of the vagina), making sex difficult or impossible.

The benefits you stand to gain from pelvic and vaginal self-massage combined with acupressure—by relieving chronic PC-muscle tightness and allowing your pleasure to unfold more freely—are reflected in the teachings of Chinese medicine, which sees a chronically tight PC muscle in terms of stuck chi, or trapped energy, in your pelvis. Both massage and acupressure can help move your chi, liberating your energy for healthier, more pleasurable pelvic experiences.

Let’s look at how you can increase your capacity for pleasure—whether or not your PC muscle is chronically tight—with do-it-yourself treatments. Before getting started, familiarize yourself with the abdominal acupressure points in Appendix A. You’ll need a handheld mirror and massage oil, such as almond or coconut oil.

To begin, remove your clothes and lie in bed on your back, with pillows under your head and knees. Apply oil to both hands, and massage in circular strokes, gradually covering the area from your upper abdomen to your mons pubis, the soft “mound” where your pubic hair begins. Your abdominal and PC muscles are attached by connective tissues, so this can relieve tension in both. Note: Throughout this treatment, your massage technique should remain gentle, and you should feel comfortable, relaxed, and safe; refrain from touching any area if it causes discomfort. If you feel any tension or tenderness, breathe deeply, and consciously allow your tissues to relax.

Once you feel that your abdominal muscles are relaxed (this could take a few minutes), you’re ready for acupressure. Press the following points, holding each for five deep breaths, or about 30 seconds: Kidney 16, Ren 6, Ren 5, Ren 4, and Ren 3. You can press two points simultaneously, one with each hand.

After you’ve pressed each of these points, massage your hips as you did your abdomen until they, too, feel relaxed. Then roll onto your side, place the pillow between your knees so your thighs are a few inches apart, and massage your inner thighs for a few minutes. When they feel relaxed, roll onto your back and put the pillow under your knees.

Next, massage the areas where your inner thighs meet your vulva, then massage your perineum—the area between your vagina and anus. The tissue of your perineum is helpful for gauging the condition of your PC muscle, and massaging it can both relax it and relieve PC-muscle tension. (When a woman prepares for childbirth, the perineum can be stretched and made ready with massage.) Using the mirror, locate the center of your perineum, midpoint between your lower vaginal opening and your anus. This is an important acupressure point, Conception Vessel 1 (not shown in Appendix A)—also known as “meeting of yin,” because your body’s yin energy converges here. By pressing on it, you can release stuck chi, nourish your sexual chi, and enhance your sexual energy. Press on this point for five deep breaths, or about 30 seconds.

With your acupressure treatment now complete, gently massage your outer labia for a few minutes, then lightly caress your inner labia. Use the mirror to locate your urethra (just above your vaginal opening); you’ll want to avoid massaging it because it’s sensitive to touch. Feel the tissues of your vaginal opening, and if you’re comfortable exploring your vagina, use your finger (well lubricated) to carefully massage the tissues on both sides of your inner vaginal walls. If you discover any tight “ropey” areas, ever so gently massage them, breathe deeply, and focus your mind on releasing tension; you may notice they gradually become softer and more relaxed.

When you feel ready to finish your massage, slowly remove your finger from your vagina and massage upward toward your abdomen. Complete your treatment as you began, with a few minutes of abdominal massage. By re-massaging your abdomen after you’ve relaxed your hips, thighs, perineum, vulva, and vagina, you can further relax your abdomen and PC muscle.

If you do this treatment often, you may intuitively develop your own ways of creating greater relaxation. You may also feel empowered by becoming more intimately aware of your pelvic and vaginal tissues. Many women are unfamiliar with this part of their bodies; some touch their vaginas only for sex and bathing, but never in a therapeutic way. (The only time their vaginas may be touched therapeutically is during doctor visits.) Establishing a relationship with your pelvis and vagina in which you are your own healer can be a transformative experience; with such a vital, sacred part of your body, claiming your right to self-nurturance is especially important.

For further reading on pelvic self-massage, see Appendix C. If you experience chronic pelvic pain and need professional guidance with pelvic massage, some physical therapists specializing in women’s pelvic health provide hands-on release techniques for the pelvis and PC muscle.

Are Your Issues in Your Tissues?

If you have any sexual issues—especially issues related to past sexual experiences that were unwanted or traumatic—loving touch to your vulva and vagina may help transform and restore your sexual health. According to some schools of thought, such as Rolfing, your bodily tissues can “remember” trauma that may have occurred many years ago, and past pain can be healed by physically and energetically releasing your tissues with massage and other techniques. In some ways, this parallels the Reichian theory that pent-up sexual or psychological energy can create “body armor”—real physical tensions and blockages in muscles and organs—that you can overcome through healthy sexual release.

In this chapter we’ve explored a plethora of pleasure-enhancers in a variety of categories. There’s one form of sex enhancement, however, that stands in a category all its own … tantric sexual practices. Although they don’t involve ingestible chemical agents, tantric practices may be considered aphrodisiacs in a general sense: they’re sometimes ranked among the most effective approaches to enhancing sexuality, and can unquestionably broaden your erotic horizons and multiply your pleasure potential many times over. The roots of the Sanskrit word tantra have links to the words weave and stretch. We include tantric sexual practices here because they allow you to weave entirely new erotic experiences, and stretch the limits of your capacity for sexual sensation.

You don’t have to join an obscure sect and follow a guru to benefit from ancient tantric sexual secrets; it’s easier than you might think to use them on your own (enhance sex sans sects) and incorporate them into your erotic life. Tantric practices may not be for everyone, but if you’re in a trusting, committed relationship, and you want to explore other dimensions of your sexuality and experience a new level of intimacy, they may be right for you.

Before we explore how you and your partner can use tantric sexual practices, let’s look at what they have to offer you and some key concepts behind them, based on interpretations of some tantric teachings:

—Transformative sex. Tantric sexual practices give you a refreshing alternative to sex as a brief, momentary pleasure—especially if you tend to perceive your sexuality in functional terms, as a straightforward performance with orgasm always the objective. For too many couples, sex is the typical five- to ten-minute animalistic gyration that usually culminates with male, and sometimes female, orgasm. (It’s estimated that 79 percent of men, but only 29 percent of women, reach orgasm during sex.) Tantric practices can expand your sexual landscape by alleviating a man’s pressure to climax quickly, vastly transforming your possibilities for pleasure, sex, and orgasm.

—Freedom from goal-oriented sex. Central to many tantric sexual practices is an idea that’s difficult for some to grasp because it challenges fundamental notions about sexuality—that the purpose of sex isn’t necessarily orgasm. In some tantric teachings, the principle of delayed gratification is taken to extremes: the longer climax is postponed, the greater the potential benefits. Goal-free sex can last for hours—as long as you and your partner choose—because the journey is the destination, and the focus is on crystallizing your awareness at every step along the way.

—Getting beyond ego-based sex. Another concept integral to some tantric teachings is that sex can be a way of releasing control of your ego-centered mind and becoming more conscious of pure sensation. It can be challenging for some people to surrender ego control and trust the outcome—it may trigger feelings of vulnerability and defenselessness—but the potential rewards are many: greater intimacy, trust, well-being, and inner peace, and a sense that you’re not a separate entity from your partner … or indeed from all of life.

—The gifts of salubrious sex. Tantric sexual practices can open your being to healing powers that may otherwise lie dormant—by extending the length of time you have sex (thereby multiplying some of the health benefits of sex we explored earlier in this book), and allowing for greater stimulation of your sexual chi (according to Chinese medicine, a potent therapeutic force, as we touched on in Chapter 3). And on another level, tantric practices may also be deeply healing and nurturing in and of themselves, by giving you access to transformative physical and spiritual states.

—Sacred sexuality. The idea that sex can be a liberating, mystical experience is essential to some traditional tantric teachings. Sex isn’t just about your physical pleasure—it’s perceived as a way of stimulating your spiritual awareness, transcending your personal limitations, and discovering your connection to ultimate creative forces. (One tantric practitioner describes it as “finding out that at your core you’re inseparable from the essence of the universe, which is pure love.”) As a result, the act of sex is elevated to the highest order of spiritual importance; it can be a holy rite, and a profound sacrament. And in turn, the effects some tantric practices may have on your emotions and states of mind can instill a lasting sense of awe for the mysteries of sex.

—Deeper bonding. Tantric sexual practices can be thought of as a dance you and your partner perform together, a mutual meditation in motion—and at times, as you’ll see, in motionlessness—that makes you much more closely connected. As a natural consequence, you’re likely to experience greater intimacy, both sexually and otherwise, and discover new realms of sharing in your relationship. The importance of communication in tantric practices, for example, which we’ll explore below, has a delightful way of spilling over into every other aspect of your relationship and improving your interactions in all areas.

With all of these potential gains, it’s a wonder more couples don’t use tantric sexual practices regularly. Perhaps the cultural tendency to compartmentalize sex—as if it’s just another task to fit into your busy schedule—is partly to blame for this. In our fast-paced, goal-oriented society, tantric sexual practices seem anomalous; you have to create enough time in your life to make their many benefits possible.

There are numerous approaches to traditional tantric practices. Some involve elaborate preparatory rituals, preliminary breathing techniques, and other methods to help prime you physically and mentally for sexual intimacy. Sensual massage can be important; according to some tantric teachings, your vulva is like a flower that gradually opens and blossoms in response to loving touch. Foreplay may be deliberately prolonged to heighten your and your partner’s erotic awareness prior to intercourse.

Once sex begins, the secret to many tantric practices lies in abstaining from, or delaying, the immediate pleasure of thrusting to orgasm. For instance, it’s sometimes recommended that you and your partner hold a motionless embrace, with his penis in your vagina, for an extended time. Other means of enhancing pleasure may be pursued, but since orgasm isn’t the goal—and resisting orgasm creates the desired effect—anything that might precipitate either partner’s climax is discouraged.

Many basic tantric sexual teachings can be summed up approximately like this: Once you or your partner are close to climax, hesitate; let pleasure subside, then gradually rebuild the excitement until you’re again on the verge of orgasm, and again hold off. Repeat this cycle multiple times, each time driving as close as you both can to the precipice and backing down just before either of you is swept over the edge. Eventually you’ll reach the point where you’re both so perfectly poised on the brink of orgasm that you won’t need to move a muscle to back down; simply remaining motionless will be pure ecstasy (a word derived, fittingly, from the same root as stasis, or motionlessness). Stay in this state as long as you possibly can; the longer you remain on the cusp, the more profound the potential sexual and spiritual effects.

For some people, the state of prolonged near-orgasm is experienced as a kind of perpetual climax; the pleasure normally felt in condensed form as a momentary orgasm may seem miraculously drawn out in slow motion over a much longer period of time. Your sensations may become increasingly intense, allowing you to reach ever-loftier plateaus of pleasure. Some people may experience trancelike states of mind-altering euphoria. If and when orgasm eventually happens, it’s usually described as … well, indescribable.

Tantric practices may be especially beneficial if you often climax at a different pace from that of your partner. As noted earlier in this book, a woman’s sexual energy tends to be like a large pot on a small flame; it takes a while to warm up, but stays hot for a long time. A man’s tends to be like a small pot on a big flame; it heats quickly, but doesn’t stay hot as long. Once “heated up,” a woman can keep simmering with multiple orgasms, but a man typically needs to cool down with a postorgasm refractory period before he can have another erection. If you and your partner want to synchronize your sexual tempos, tantric practices can be a great equalizer, allowing you to make sex last long enough to experience simultaneous peak bliss.

In addition, according to some tantric teachings a man can not only dramatically expand his ability to remain in a sexually heightened state, but also learn to climax without ejaculation and experience multiple orgasms. Some insist this is biologically possible; others believe it’s a metaphorical way of describing an experience that seems to transcend any other form of sexual ecstasy, and a degree of pleasure beyond measure.

Verbal communication between you and your partner can be crucial in tantric sexual practices; some teachings recommend sex in a face-to-face sitting position to facilitate clear dialogue. In extreme states of ecstasy, with every sensation intensely magnified, words may be your best tools for holding orgasm at bay. Only through the subtle nuances of language can you give each other precise feedback on how close to orgasm you are, when you’re ready for more (or less) stimulation, exactly where to touch or refrain from touching, and just how firmly or feather-lightly to caress. For giving spur-of-the-moment cues on your proximity to climax, you and your partner may want to create your own system of signals beforehand—for example, a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being low arousal and 10 the verge of orgasm.

Sharpening your verbal sex skills can have spinoff benefits in other sexual areas. If you’ve become accustomed to silent sex—and often hope he’ll read your mind and touch you differently—it can open up new dimensions during your non-tantric lovemaking. And with clear communication you can also steer your partner through intricate foreplay rituals that without words would be impossible. For instance, you can guide him in giving you a massage similar to the one recommended in the preceding section for pelvic and vaginal self-massage, but with an erotic slant.

Breathing techniques during intercourse are also important in some tantric sexual teachings. If you and your partner reach a transcendent state of motionless pleasure, in which even the slightest movement can trigger orgasm-like sensations, your breathing may be the only motion that either of you makes. In this state, breathing becomes an art form. One method is to alternate your breaths: when you inhale, he exhales; and vice versa. Another is to synchronize your breathing so you inhale and exhale in rhythm. (Since women usually take shallower breaths than men, he may need to match his breathing with yours.) Experimenting with breathing techniques may help you stay connected with your partner, prolong ecstasy, promote relaxation, and provide a meditative way of focusing your attention on your bodies.

Sex and Tantra: The Tantalizing (or Not) Possibilities

Tantra may be less sex-centric than you think, depending on how you define it. There are various definitions, but the term generally refers to practices based on beliefs outlined in certain Hindu or Buddhist texts. A core conviction underlying many tantric practices is that the world we perceive, including our bodies, is a microcosmic manifestation of divine creative energy. Tantric practitioners use ritualistic techniques in an effort to reach higher spiritual states by balancing and channeling this energy in their bodies.

Although in the West we associate tantra with sex, many traditional tantric rituals don’t involve sex, but focus instead on meditation and adherence to rules of moral conduct. When sexual practices are involved, they’re seen as a catalyst for creating experiences of mystical ecstasy that differ from sexual pleasure in the usual sense and may not involve orgasm.

With popularization in the West, tantra, like yoga, is sometimes simplified in ways that might make it seem almost unrecognizable in its native context. Just as many who practice yoga have no idea of its original significance in the theistic tradition of Hinduism (as a practice emphasizing the renunciation of bodily and mental activity), some proponents of tantra may be unaware of its original cultural roots. You can find a wide range of information about tantra online—along with plenty of hyperbole, exaggerated claims of sexual feats, and links to pornography. Despite this oversexualization, and although tantra may never become as acceptable and accessible as yoga, it similarly has a lot to offer Westerners.

You’ve delved into a diversity of pleasure-promoting tools and techniques in this chapter, from modern to ancient means; from Western to Eastern approaches; and from practical, down-to-earth tips to lofty, mind-expanding practices for heightening your capacity for pleasure. You’ve explored sexual lubricants and stimulants, vaginal strengtheners and releasers, tantric techniques, and more. In some cases, as with many of the aphrodisiacs in Chapter 5, these pleasure-enhancers have been handed down to you by many preceding generations.

Although some of the enhancers you’ve discovered in this chapter may not be considered aphrodisiacs in the traditional sense, all can have aphrodisiac-like qualities and be invaluable for your sexuality, whether you use them separately or in combination. As you turn to the next chapter on our voyage—the exploration of sexuality in a relationship, and the myriad ways your sexual well-being is influenced by your partner’s sexual health—keep in mind that, as we said in the Introduction to this book, nothing has greater aphrodisiac potential than love.