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Where do we feel love? If you asked most people, they would answer, “In the heart, of course.” Valentine’s Day proves it, right? Lovers give and receive cards, pendants, and chocolates in the shape of hearts. We carve our names surrounded by a heart in tree trunks and tell each other, “My heart belongs to you.” Only a fanatic neuroscientist would insist on accuracy. He would send his ladylove a Valentine’s Day card with the image of a squishy gray blob evocative of a rotting cauliflower, the brain, because that’s where romance really resides.
Love dwells where all your emotions do, in the region I’m calling “Limbic Land.” More correctly, Cognitive Science labels it your limbic system. It’s the part of your brain that houses the laughs, the tears, the hopes, the disappointments, the anger, the ardor, the ups, the downs, the in-betweens, and the profounds. The seed of all your emotions resides in your limbic system, and one of the most powerful is love. Someday it will be a household word. Instead of saying, “Don’t get so emotional about it,” chastising family, friends, and lovers will say, “Oh, don’t get so limbic!”
Let me present the five main residents of Limbic Land in alphabetical order. The “relationship chemicals,” which I’ll introduce afterward, affect regions of a ♂ brain and ♀ brain differently. Limbic Land is a very sexist place to live.
I hesitate to present this brain region first because the amygdala is hands down the emotional leader of Limbic Land. In love she can sometimes be flaky and totally irrational. But after you’ve read this book you’ll never again need to tear your hair out over your partner and scream, “She’s nuts!” or “He’s an animal!” You will understand why the two sexes are so different.
It should come as no surprise that women have a larger, deeper limbic system than men do.1 But here’s some happy news for Huntresses: A man’s love is often stronger and can last even longer for reasons to be explained.2
A Huntress also has a more direct neurological connection to her amygdala because her neurons are more tightly packed.3 In fact, they have an ongoing dialogue about her day-by-day, night-by-night relationship with her Quarry. Think of the female brain’s neurons as a group of women walking along on a clear day in the bright sunshine, all talking to each other at the same time. They are so close to each other that, amazingly enough, they don’t miss a word.
Conversely, a male thinks primarily with his gray matter, of which he has six and a half times more of than a female.4 Gray matter is very good stuff because of its great ability to focus.5 Picking up on subtleties or communicating emotions, however, is not gray matter’s specialty.6
Imagine a Hunter’s grey matter neurons are like a scattered herd of guys plodding along a rocky path in the pouring rain and gusty wind. They’re so far apart that they’d have shout to even hear each other, let alone make any sense out of what the other guys are saying. Is it any wonder that women are more in touch with their emotions?
The hippocampus is memory—short term, long term, and, most of the time, subconscious. This other Limbic Land dweller also has a closer relationship with the amygdala when it comes to emotional issues in the female brain. It drives a Hunter crazy when his wife or girlfriend remembers all the details of the inconsiderate thing he did, the insinuation he made, or the birthday he forgot. “Why can’t she just let it go?” he agonizes. Sorry, guys, it’s not her fault. The more closely knit team of her hippocampus and amygdala won’t let her.
Now comes the part everyone in the brain wants to influence, your hypothalamus, which shoots messages down the spine 24/7, controlling your central nervous system. He’s the strong man who makes you physically act and react. Blame this brain region when, upon feeling that Spark of Chemistry, your mouth goes dry, your heart skips a beat, and your flushed face resembles a radish.
Your hypothalamus deals with sex, big time, especially in guys. In fact, it’s more than twice as large in the male brain, and has an excellent working relationship with testosterone.7 This brain region is in charge of the temporary growth of a significant male appendage at tender moments—and testosterone cheers him on. In addition to erections, the hypothalamus also monitors entities (at certain times considered secondary by men) such as eating, sleeping, and breathing.
Before we get to the “brainy” part of your brain, let’s get to the happiest. It’s a region called your caudate nucleus. This feel-good area encompasses the nucleus accumbens and the nearby ventral tegmental area (VTA). Combined, Cognitive Science calls it your pleasure or reward center. Excitement, enjoyment, and exhilaration hang out there. After a few gulps of a certain love chemical that I’ll introduce next, Pleasure Island lights up like a Las Vegas slot machine. Life would be hardly worth living if it weren’t for this happy neighborhood in your brain.
Last but most assuredly not least is the wisest part of your brain, which we’re nicknaming the Professor. The prefrontal cortex does not live in la-la Limbic Land with the rest of the cast of Chemistry. His throne is at the front of your brain. This sage assiduously reviews neurotransmissions (which we’ll call “texts” or “tweets”) from Limbic Land and tries to determine who is bad for you, who is better for you, and who is best for you.
Unfortunately, most new lovers don’t listen to the Professor. When a couple is in the early hot love “condition,” Mother Nature is blasting their brains with so many intoxicating chemicals that the signals from the rational brain section are weaker.8 The Professor tries to prevent lovers from making a fool of themselves and doing self-destructive things while smitten. But when in love, who listens?
That’s the emotional housing complex of the brain. Bear with me while I now introduce the chemicals that live inside. They play the biggest roles in love, and knowing about them is necessary to understand how to create Chemistry with someone.
The star of the early show in love is dopamine. He’s on the scene every time you feel sudden Chemistry with someone, and his influence is mind-blowing. (He has helper chemicals like norepinephrine and phenylethylamine, but he’s the leader when you’re “crazy in love.”) When you first meet dopamine, he introduces himself as ecstasy, euphoria, exaltation, exhilaration, and intoxication. Sometimes he appears in a split second; at other times he creeps up slowly. As you’re falling in love, he scoops you up and whisks you off to that most beautiful place you will ever go, Pleasure Island, or the caudate nucleus, located deep in your limbic system.
Dopamine loves action and jumps into the fray when you feel fear. That’s why movie thrillers filled with bloody bodies and crashing cars give some people a kick. Dopamine is also summoned by beautiful music, stirring sermons, and activities you enjoy. People do desperate things to make him stay because, if he disappears or starts slipping away, they can become despondent, even self-destructive.
In fact, he has such a powerful ecstasy influence that many of today’s most credible anthropologists, neurologists, and psychiatrists say that love is simply dopamine’s effect on the pleasure center in your brain.9 Personally, I don’t like to think of it that way, but the evidence makes a pretty good case.
Did someone liken this chemical to cocaine? Yes, everybody with even a passing knowledge of Cognitive Science does.
When serotonin is high in your system, you feel superb. This blissful chemical floods your brain when you exercise, genuinely laugh, sunbathe, go sailing, skiing, surfing, dancing, or do anything else you love. She is so central to your happiness that if she starts to shrink drastically, you become melancholy, morose, and miserable. Some sad souls turn to alcohol—or worse—just to bring her back for short visits.
Ideally, serotonin and dopamine would work well together. But there is a problem. If dopamine makes you act too frenetic about your relationship, serotonin doesn’t like that. She’ll start shrinking away, leaving you with insomnia, eating disorders, negative thoughts, anxiety, and worse. When serotonin is artificially introduced, such as in antidepressants, she can also mess with your ability to love.10 It’s up to couples to keep serotonin and dopamine in balance working together, without medication.
Need I even introduce this famous performer? It is the most revered and reviled romance chemical of all. Sometimes testosterone gets a bad rap and people blame him for starting street brawls, civil wars, stabbing adversaries in the back, piloting corporate takeovers, driving too fast, robbing, raping, sleeping around, and channel surfing. Although some of these unsavory types are, indeed, high-T men, it’s not all true. Testosterone is a good guy who plays a big role in developing creativity, intellect, thought patterns, assertiveness, and drive.11 He also gives guys large muscles, increased bone mass, and, of course, colossal, sometimes uncontrollable, sexual desire.
Equally well known, estrogen is a hot commodity for women. Those who want to look younger and more beautiful—like 100 percent of the world’s female population—crave her effects. Lucky ladies blessed with a lot of this hungered-after hormone have clearer complexions, shinier hair, rosier cheeks, fuller lips, larger breasts, and they are generally healthier. High-estrogen women also get pregnant more easily. Due to Mother Nature’s influence, that is a (very) subconscious Chemistry Sparker for guys, as you will soon learn.
This leads us to the family-friendly chemicals.
Oxytocin is wonderful. Everybody loves her because she generates affectionate feelings, increases trust, and promotes long-lasting relationships. It would be an exaggeration to say that oxytocin is more of a woman thing, and the next “togetherness chemical,” called vasopressin, a guy thing. Male and female brains create both. However, mixed with estrogen, oxytocin has a powerful bonding effect.
Oxytocin and her colleague chemical, vasopressin, help keep lovers together and make them more devoted parents.12 Neurologists don’t call them the “bonding” or “cuddle chemicals” for nothing, and we’ll learn more about them later in the book.
Vasopressin’s effects are similar to oxytocin’s, and the two often have the hyphenated name oxytocin-vasopressin. They are both family folks. The latter does a terrific job of making a man bond with his lifetime partner and become a more involved dad.13 Unfortunately, vasopressin and testosterone don’t get along well together. The former can drive the latter down.14 Because he’s not coming on to his wife as much after childbirth, a wife often mistakenly fears the new dad is not sexually attracted to her anymore.15 But, women, look on the bright side: It means he’s bonding better with you and the baby. Besides, less testosterone reduces his desire to seek sex elsewhere.
Girl, I know what you’re thinking, but don’t hold your breath. It will be a while before some profit-hungry drug company gets FDA approval for a vasopressin pill you can slip in your man’s orange juice.
Now, let’s talk about your specific qualities, which will play a major role in Sparking your Quarry’s Chemistry, and how to get Mother Nature to help you do the job. You may wonder why I’m breaking it down into body parts. It’s because the information is crucial to the Sparking techniques.