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As you read in the Introduction, due to DNA, past experiences, and a myriad of other elements, you can never have 100 percent control over the Chemistry between you and someone. That’s just part of the picture, though. Mother Nature plays a huge role. In fact, she is your best friend in helping you Spark your Quarry. Animals follow Mother Nature’s guidance instinctively. When another of their species excites them, they growl, grunt, cluck, crow, pant, or emit some other form of indigenous whooping it up. (Humans have to be a bit more subtle about it.)
Animals strive to entice the best mate according to the neurological, chemical, and evolutionary influences defining “best” in their species. Although you may not think of it that way, but you do too. Something else comes into the human equation, though. You have a bigger brain and are, unfortunately, restricted by certain social conventions. Because you are more complicated, the Sparking process is too.
Huntresses, have you or a friend ever complained, “Guys are only interested in sex”? If not, you’ve probably thought it. My girlfriend Brandy from Baton Rouge certainly does. Brandy is a beautiful woman, a serial dater, and a constant complainer about men. She comes to New York every year to run the marathon. Here is our annual ritual: The night before the big event, we go to the same restaurant for the same pasta with olive sauce, and I listen to her same gripes about the men in her life.
Last November, twirling spaghetti around her fork and making direct eye contact with a pimento-stuffed olive, she griped, “Guys are only interested in sex. They’re all big penises with a man attached. From the first date, they’re pressuring me. Why can’t I find a man I can connect with? Someone I can talk to . . . a guy who talks to me, not my breasts? I want a guy to cuddle, not fall asleep right after sex. Is that too much to ask?”
“Well, Brandy, that last part is.” I started to tell her about the universal male condition called “postcoital narcolepsy” and the chemical reason a man can’t help zonking out after ejaculation.1 But she cut me off. There is no stopping Brandy once she’s on a roll.
In previous Novembers I just nodded while she went on and on. But this year, while writing How to Create Chemistry, I could hold it in no longer. I interrupted her diatribe and said, “Well, hell-OH, Brandy, what do you expect?”
Shocked, she glared at me. “What . . . what do you mean?”
“Brandy, my dear friend, you can take a male out of the jungle, but you can’t take the jungle completely out of the male. In fact you wouldn’t want to. Usually a guy’s initial motive for even asking you out is because he wants sex, the sooner the better. He doesn’t want to spend all night touching your soul. He’d prefer to touch your breasts. Brandy, you have to give it time!”
“Sure,” she said rolling her eyes. I would have continued, but I knew she needed sleep to face the challenge she’d been training for all year. I hugged her and gave her my annual “Tear up the road tomorrow, Tiger.” Then I made a mental note to send her this book.
So was Brandy wrong about men? Sex is definitely not the only thing most men think about when asking you out—just usually the first.2 In addition to some of the aforementioned elements, it is what makes a guy feel that Spark for a particular woman. Most men do want a permanent relationship eventually.3 But sexual attraction is crucial because it’s the match that lights the fire. Deep conversations, communicating, connecting, and commitment come later.
If you’ve read my previous books, you are familiar with Phil, my dear friend and platonic male roommate, or “friend without benefits.” Phil makes my personal research into the male psyche quite convenient. Besides, he’s the best roommate a gal could ever have. Naturally, every time he comes home from a date, I grill him mercilessly about it.
One night Phil returned with that “She was the date from hell” expression on his face. His wobbly walk and martini breath told me he’d consumed more than his customary one drink. He obviously wasn’t in the mood to submit his social report.
As I was attempting an “I’m not the least bit curious” expression, my mild-mannered roomie uncharacteristically grumbled under his breath, “Freakin’ gold digger!” The usually fastidious Phil tossed his coat on the couch and staggered unsteadily toward the bathroom. Under the rumble of his electric toothbrush, I heard him bellowing something in French, which he doesn’t speak. “Le Bernardin, Le Bernardin, Le Bernardin!”
“Did you say something, Phil?” I called.
He opened the door and, Crest foaming out of the sides of his mouth, shouted, “Le Bernardin! It’s the most %@!& expensive restaurant in New York!” Spitting out the foamy water, he continued, “This afternoon, I texted her the name of the restaurant where I wanted her to meet me. But oh no, that wasn’t good enough for Goldilocks! She texted back that she preferred a ‘nice little restaurant’ near where she worked. Oh, it was nice all right. The bill came to over two hundred dollars, and all evening she’s asking me creepy questions. Oh, ho ho. I read between the lines with no problem. She was trying to figure out how much money I make. Damn gold digger!” he bellowed as he slammed his bedroom door.
Of course, money is not a woman’s major criterion for a man. However, no matter how much she herself has, Mother Nature is whispering in her ear, “Make sure he’ll be a good provider for you and your eventual babies, dear.” Even if she earns enough herself to put an entire orphanage through college, most women feel her man should earn more than she does.4
Sisters, his constant pressure for sex is not his fault. You wouldn’t blame a guy for limping due to a birth defect. Likewise, you can’t blame him for his greater sexual drive, which nature also programmed into him before he was born.5 It’s an almost insurmountable challenge for a male to push sex out of his mind. Mother Nature (MN for short) injected men at least with ten times more testosterone than you. It’s not an exact proportion, but think about it: If you were ten times more ravenous for sex, wouldn’t you act a little more needy, greedy, and aggressive about it? Women can go for months, sometimes years, between relationships without sex. But for men, it’s practically impossible.6
In fact, a guy’s testosterone level shoots up a full third even casually chatting with a female stranger!7 Just thinking of you being naked makes dopamine gush through his brain like a cocaine rush. Unfortunately, that feel-good chemical short-circuits messages en route to his prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of his brain. Consider the ever-lengthening list of male politicians, sports figures, and other celebrities who throw away valuable careers for a few rolls in the hay. Girl, you have the power to turn a dignified gentleman into a dyslexic octopus when he’s around you.
In fact, guys don’t just make dumb decisions about sex; they can make pretty dangerous ones. Researchers on the Florida State University campus gathered a group of gutsy girls and directed them to approach male students they didn’t know and ask, “Will you have sex with me tonight?” Seventy-five percent of the guys agreed immediately.8 That shocked even the relatively unshockable me. More recently, in a follow-up study after AIDS awareness, 69 percent of the males agreed.9 That stunned me even more and made me very, very sad.
Needless to say, when the study, “Gender Receptivity to Sexual Offers,” was reversed, and men approached the female students, none of them agreed to sex, pre-or post-STD awareness.
Here is yet another complication. The guy brain is spinning with mixed signals. He probably grew up with a mother who implied that anything sexual was naughty. Maybe she scolded him for looking at his sister when she was dressing. Or was furious when she caught him looking at “nasty pictures” in magazines. She told him to keep his hands off his tiny crotch in public. One of my seminar students told me that his mom once spanked him when she walked into his room and caught him masturbating. In short, little guys grew up thinking sex was dirty.
Then suddenly, a whole new set of signals replaced it. His high school buddies bragged about their sexual conquests; many self-proclaimed studs exaggerate them to gain status in their friends’ eyes. No guy wants to admit he’s still a virgin, so he becomes obsessed with curing himself of that “contemptible” condition. The social pressure to score is tremendous.
I learned that at my girlfriend Sheila’s sixteenth birthday party. At one point while we were talking, she leaned toward me and whispered, “What are those boys doing over there?” Five or six of them were comparing something they’d taken out of their pockets.
“I think it’s their combs,” I guessed.
“They must be pretty old,” she murmured, “because it looks like some of them lost a lot of teeth.” When one boy proudly held up a totally toothless comb, they all cheered. Sheila called across the room, “Hey, guys, whatcha doing?” That detonated an outburst of hilarity that would have merited the acronym ROTFL. They were literally rolling on the floor laughing.
It wasn’t until a week later that Sheila and I managed to wrestle her brother to the floor and demand he tell us what was going on at the party. Gasping for breath, he was forced to rat on his buddies. “The guys were comparing combs. Every missing tooth represented sex with a different girl.”
A male who sleeps around is enviably called a “stud.” A female with the same sleeping habits is disparagingly called a “slut.” Fair? No. Understandable? Yes, at least in terms of evolutionary psychology.
It is impossible for a female to close her ears to the cries of her ancient foremothers. Here is her recurring subconscious nightmare: After a stupendous night of sex with you, you hop onto your trusty steed and ride off into the sunset . . . alone. She is left pregnant. Your fifteen minutes or so of bliss could mean fifteen years or so of burden for her.
“But that’s not going to happen,” you protest. Of course it isn’t. She knows that too. But speak to the sticky cognitive modules floating around in her brain. Consult with her Cro-Magnon grandmother. Subconsciously she does, and the response is always, “It happened to me, dearie, it can happen to you.” Her primeval grannies also remind her that she will suffer morning sickness, migraines, throwing up, leg cramps, and hip pains.
Gentlemen, a bad bout of morning sickness is the same sensation you’d feel after scarfing down seafood cocktail and a dozen raw eggs, followed by a Big Mac, a hot fudge sundae, and a six-pack of beer. And then deciding to go for a spin on the roller coaster.
If your girlfriend gets pregnant, she pays a big biological cost. You can’t have another whole human being residing inside you without crowding your own body space and causing some huge hassles, like sharing calcium, iron, vitamins, and other elements crucial to health and beauty.
Then there’s the weight gain, the dumpy clothes, and no sex. If you don’t believe it, put a cement block inside a beach ball and strap it to your stomach. Then try to have sex.
After that is the excruciating pain of childbirth, followed by changing diapers, the terrible twos, the tantrum threes, the fiendish fours, the feisty fives, and so on. Because her plight won’t permit her to work through the early childrearing process, can you see why your financial status is at least a factor? Primordial memories stick like glue, so is it any wonder that a woman doesn’t want to jump into bed with you right away?
Your biological cost as a male? Zip. You only spin off sperm to start the whole process, and that’s a whole lot of fun. Gentlemen, I applaud you. It is truly charming, if not naive, that when you fall deeply in love, you become blind to some of the realities of life.10 Females are usually more sensible about partner choice. Brain-imaging studies of women in love show activity in many more areas than yours.11 However, when a guy has flipped, in a sense, he’s really flipped, because more of his critical thinking pathways close down.12 She’s making her decision with more of her head, whereas yours are made with, well, more of your other body parts.
Be thankful that most women are more realistic in relationships. If she were as resistant to the reality of resources as you are when you fall in love, there would be more miserable marriages of the all-too-common kind in which he is broke, she’s freaking, and the kids are hungry. Bottom line, brothers: Respect your Quarry’s realization, that, in the long run, you really can’t live on love alone.
Here’s food for thought: Is her immediate consideration of your wealth any worse than you immediately considering how physically attractive she is—and how soon she’ll go to bed with you?
Huntresses, if any of you are still harboring any doubt that your looks are the first thing a man cares about, let me quote one landmark study that doesn’t mince words: “A woman’s physical attractiveness is the cardinal component of women’s mate value.”13 “Mate value” is the crass word that researchers use for how desirable someone is in the “meat market.” Yep, Huntresses, your looks matter, big time, at least until he gets to know you and your amazing qualities.
A man can be sexually turned on by a gorgeous woman he would never dream of having a relationship with—a mindless model, a knockout with bust size 38 and IQ to match, or a hot lady of the night he would be ashamed of the next morning. Those lasses may be delicious company for one night, maybe two if they’re lucky. But definitely not someone he’d want to raise a family with. When thinking of a date, many guys’ fantasies of the future end at orgasm.
The specifics may seem obvious. However, in this section I want to quickly review the particulars of what excites males, because only when you understand why your Quarry gets whacked over certain features can you confidently and courageously use the Chemistry Sparkers in the next section.
Guys don’t realize it themselves and would surely deny it, but the number one subconscious Chemistry Sparker boils down to one word: fertility. Procreation is the name of nature’s game. It’s the bottom line, the nitty gritty of what guys find hot.14 Science calls it like it is: “Instinctively, the male of all species wants to get the ‘biggest reproductive payoff’ for his,” ahem, “investment.”15 After all, Mother Nature figures, why should a guy squander his sperm in a woman who can’t bear him a healthy baby with good genes and a strong immune system? That would be a humongous waste of time.
Gentlemen, even if you are planning a peaceful life without the smell of baby poop and getting barfed on, Mother Nature doesn’t know that. She programs you to be attracted to a female who looks like she’d be a good baby factory.
Sisters, Big Mama’s got it all rigged to help that along. At ovulating time she gives you a natural cosmetic makeover and even makes you more symmetrical.16 Your eyes get larger, your lips get fuller, and your cheeks become rosier during the big O days (ovulation, not orgasm).17 It’s like female apes whose lower cheeks get redder when they’re in estrus. In case any guy ape would miss it, she grows a humongous pink butt at target time. Similarly, your rosy facial cheeks subconsciously signal guys that it’s the best time to “make the shot.”
Incidentally, ladies, if the big tough High-T guys aren’t usually your preference, be extra vigilant during those big “O” days. MN slips you a chemical cocktail that makes you more attracted to them when you’re most apt get pregnant.18
A Hunter doesn’t look at you and specifically think, “Wow, smooth skin, big breasts, narrow waist, long shiny hair, and youth.” It’s the whole package that hits his eyes. But to have more “ammunition” on your hunting expedition, I’ll tell you why each element counts.
Smooth Skin. Skin is a measuring stick for your hormonal state, which is, incidentally, more detectable in the lighter skin of blondes.19 That’s why it is said that “gentlemen prefer blondes.” Do you remember the classic Marilyn Monroe film by that name? If a biologist were naming the film, it would have a less catchy but more telling title like, “Gentlemen prefer females with lighter hair and skin to more easily detect anemia, cyanosis, jaundice, and other skin diseases.”20 But then the movie wouldn’t have been a box-office blockbuster.
Long Hair. Even short, shiny hair signals health and estrogen and, thus, that you’re more easily impregnable. But long, shiny hair shows you’ve been healthy and chock-full of that enviable hormone for a couple of years. Natch’, that means you’d be easier to impregnate with a healthy baby.21
While we’re discussing hair, here’s a bit of trivia that has absolutely no scientific basis, simply something from a men’s website survey. Rather than the bushy look downstairs, the majority of men prefer the more youthful, completely shaved or famous “landing strip” look of Brazilian fame, shaved on both sides evenly.
I once told my hairdresser that I had a great business idea for her: She should open a chic pubic hair trimming salon. I’ve had a lot of bad business ideas.
Hourglass Figure. So what’s the big deal about a shapely body, you ask? Mother Nature murmurs in his ear, “Dude, she’ll get pregnant faster and easier and is less apt to have a miscarriage.22 A male subliminally recognizes that Ms. Shapely’s roomier hips would give his unborn progeny’s head more room to expand. To add more fuel to his firing neurons, her bigger breasts signal about 37 percent more estrogen.
Eyes? Larger “ovulating signaling” eyes are a bigger draw. Concerning color, blue-eyed men are drawn to similarly light-eyed women because it’s a good cuckoldry indicator that his little one didn’t have a brown-eyed daddy.23
Hey, What About My Face? I always thought a woman’s face was the first thing a Hunter looked at, so I was shocked at the studies that report a male registers your body first.24 He probably doesn’t even realize it himself, but nanoseconds beforehand he has subconsciously sensed your body to see if your face is “worth checking out.” Disbelieving, I decided to ask Giorgio, the ship’s captain I mentioned earlier who subsequently became my guy. Giorgio is an extremely cultured gentleman, so I naturally assumed that he’d say “her face.”
“Giorgio, if you could choose between a woman with an averagely attractive body and a spectacular face, or a dynamite body and an average face, which would you choose?” I couldn’t have counted to one before his answer zapped back, “The latter.” I sucked in my stomach and slunk back to the studies.
A few weeks later, while rearranging my library, I came upon my freshman yearbook. Flipping through it reminded me of something that happened the first night in my new dorm that should have given me a clue way back then. A senior was showing us the previous year’s book and chatting about some of the girls we’d soon meet on campus.
“And here’s Shelly,” she said pointing to one headshot. Several of us had to stifle an insensitive smile. It is only a slight exaggeration to say her face could have been the prototype for the Muppet’s Miss Piggy. Our senior informant went on, “The guys are crazy about her.” The rest of us looked at each other in shock.
A few weeks later I met Shelly at the campus pool. Her face was, indeed, evocative of the Muppet celebrity, but certainly not her body. She had the breasts of Beyoncé, the butt of Jennifer Lopez, and the waist of a wasp. And to think I still wondered why guys were so attracted to her.
Does My Age Matter That Much? Despicable perverts aside, a young girl doesn’t usually begin Sparking a Hunter’s Chemistry until she begins to get curvy around the time her periods start. Even preteen guys fantasize about older girls when they’re all alone in their bedrooms with their doors locked.25 Mother Nature figures, “Why fritter away fantasies on girls who can’t get pregnant?”
This brings us to an unsettling but inevitable fact: We grow old. So do guys, but that’s no problem for Big Mama in the sky. She figures men can still spread sperm in younger women for as long as they can get it up. Depressingly, after menopause Mother Nature makes a female’s breasts and butt start to sag, nipples soften, waists thicken, lips thin, complexions roughen, cheeks pale, and hair lose its shine. Personally, I think MN gave us a raw deal. She’s telling guys, in no uncertain terms, “That old lady is no longer fertile. So screw her—or, rather, don’t.”
Hunters, whenever a clearly stunning female slinks into the room, male eyeballs start to whirl like a beanie cap. So you probably assume that a great-looking guy—tall, big muscles, flat abs—would spin females’ heads. In another era you would have been right. A cave woman needed a mate with enormous muscles to bash a wild boar on the head and spacious shoulders to carry the bloody beast home. Tall was better too, because he could run faster if he missed his target. The cave lady wanted her man oozing testosterone out of every pore, signifying aggression, high sexual desire, and strong genes to bear beefier babies.
In those days selecting a sensitive, compassionate, loving male would have been a really lamebrain choice. Imagine a caveman’s success at intellectually reasoning with the tiger poised to pounce on him. If the ferocious animal didn’t concede, her little one would have no daddy. So Mother Nature poked the primitive pretty and said, “Better to go with the powerful jerk, dear.”
Being drawn to brawny guys with a touch of the brute lasted a surprisingly long time. A scant fifty years ago women swarmed to movie theaters to swoon over the Rock Hudson, Burt Lancaster, and Clark Gable types. Their hearts fluttered when Rhett Butler told Scarlett O’Hara, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Now women tell men who don’t live up to their standards, “Frankly, mister, I don’t give a damn.”
One thing will never change, however: survival of the fittest. Huntresses are programmed to prefer men who match Darwin’s definition “best adapted for survival in the immediate, local environment.”26 Today, however, the “immediate local environment” is dramatically different. Now the crucial survival qualities are cooperation, compassion, curiosity, kindness, competitiveness, and an open mind.
Evolutionary psychologists who recognize that there are physiological spurts would call these “neo-Darwinian” qualities. The field encompassing that, developmental evolution, recognizes that the social environment changes in spurts, not at an even pace like evolutionists used to think.27
In the twenty-first century something new has been added to a woman’s wish list. She wants intellectual growth and to reach her full potential as a person and a professional. A Huntress seeks a partner who will be supportive and help her accomplish that.
Hunters, even for ladies who are just looking for one-night nookie, your success and “good dad” indicators are what shoot brief spikes of voltage through your Quarry’s brain.28 But don’t fret if you aren’t a candidate for a Men’s Health cover with bulging biceps and deltoids on steroids. This isn’t to say that a woman doesn’t like a really ripped guy—but only if it’s attached to the right brain and attitude.29
Hunters, when is the last time you strutted into a bar and said to yourself, “Dude, tonight I am going to look so cooperative, compassionate, curious, kind, competitive, and show how supportive I am of a woman’s personal growth that chicks will be lining up to meet me?” (Stay tuned, aspiring studs. You’ll learn how to do that in the next section.) In short, a woman’s looks are the first thing a man notices.30 A man’s character and personality are number one on a woman’s most wanted in a partner list.31
Now we come to the most alluring physical quality for both sexes. It’s one we seldom think of.
Having a symmetrical face and body is like winning the lottery in attraction for both Hunters and Huntresses the world over because it screams “healthy genes.”32 You and I could see a good gene sitting next to a bad one on a plate, and it wouldn’t say anything to us. But dump a batch of good ones into one baby and you’ll see a big difference. Each tiny toe on his left foot looks exactly like the same one on the right. His little ears are mirror images of each other. Yet few would be conscious of its draw. Have you ever heard a woman swoon, “Honey, your symmetrical nose drives me wild”? Or a guy brag, “Dude, she’s got the most balanced eyebrows I’ve ever seen”?
When you look at most faces, you think, “Sure, that’s symmetrical.” But I’m talking precise symmetry to the millimeter that only a fortunate one-tenth of 1 percent of the population has. If it’s off one iota, it makes a difference. And it’s not just perfectly balanced faces. We’re talking symmetrical legs, shoulders, hips, thighs, fingers, elbows, breasts—and yes, even both sides of “it.” Mother Nature draws females to symmetrical types, even if it’s for one-night stands—especially when they’re ovulating!33 After all, she figures, even that one shot could result in another healthy earthling.
Symmetry is also a powerful beauty plus in reptiles, insects, birds, and mammals because good genes also do a better job of battling environmental pollutants and parasites. Any self-respecting female fruit fly wouldn’t even consider a guy fruit fly with asymmetrical spiracles.
Symmetrical guys, go ahead and gloat because studies show:
1.you start having sex four years earlier than your more symmetry-challenged brothers;34
2.you get laid more often and have a greater number of partners throughout your lifespan;35
3.you smell better to women than your more uneven, asymmetrical competitors;36 and
4.you will give your girlfriends more and better orgasms than the more lopsided chaps do.37
Huntresses, here is a warning for you. They may look great, but be careful about those super-symmetrical guys. Statistically, they are less apt to stay with one partner and have more extramarital affairs throughout their lives.38 Also be extra vigilant if you don’t want to get pregnant, because your vagina sucks up more sperm from the better orgasms that symmetrical Hunters give you.39
You’ll see the reasoning behind the Sparkers in the next section, but for now let’s tally the list of what pokes Chemistry and gets the opposite sex’s hormones hopping.
Hunters . . .
The what: Your signs of health, mental strength, compassion, wit, and assets or potential for same.
The why: Healthy men produce babies with stronger immune systems. Compassionate men care for them. Mentally strong men solve problems for them. And men with money give both baby and mother a better lifestyle.
Huntresses . . .
The what: Your large breasts, full lips, smaller waist, shapely hips, rosy cheeks, clear eyes, unblemished skin, and shiny hair.
The why: All the above qualities reflect high estrogen, meaning he can impregnate you quicker for a healthier baby.
In short . . .
A man is attracted to a woman’s ability to grow a baby inside her.
A woman is attracted to a man’s ability to grow a baby outside him.
So now we know what charges the electrical fields in your Quarry’s brain and why. Let’s move on to the specific Chemistry Sparkers and how to set the traps for the Big Catch.