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After the looking and luring—either in person or online—is over, the real road to the bed, beyond, and maybe forever begins at “Hi,” “Hello,” “How do you do,” or “Hey.” What follows in the next few seconds determines whether there will even be a next few seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, or years. Hunters and Huntresses must use diverse strategies if they want the first conversation to culminate in making a date.
Hunters, as you know, the minute you open your mouth, your Quarry is evaluating your intelligence, character, kindness, creativity, sense of humor, and everything else on her want-in-a-partner list. Huntresses, he is eyeing your attractiveness and how receptive you are to him. Clearly, the first conversation is a bigger challenge for males, so let’s start there. However, women, do not skip it! These insights into the male psyche are crucial for you to have a successful hunting expedition.
My shelf holding books for men on meeting women sags from the weight. Practically all the books include a chapter on clever opening lines, but most would only work on an eighty-year-old nymphomaniac when she was crunked. They are penned by elastic-facts players who brag they could seduce any woman, anytime, anywhere. Gentlemen, you’d have better luck finding the Loch Ness monster than a one-size-fits-all opening line.
Evidence aside, the question of “What is a good one” is such a pathetic perennial, an invasive weed that won’t die, that I must address it here:
A group of sociologists who wanted their names forever enshrined in professional journals eavesdropped on male opening gambits in bars, restaurants, parties, laundromats, and other incubators of “intergender acquaintanceship,” as they called them.1 The analysts divided the overheard lines into three categories: the direct, the innocuous, and the cute flippant. Here are the stats on which approaches scored with the ladies and which hit the skids.
Women found the third category of opening lines, “cute flippant,” abominable. The second category, “innocuous” (a casual pleasantry to elicit conversation), came in second. The most successful was the “direct” approach, with no pretense of the pickup being anything else. Researchers wrote, “The approaches which rated the highest were direct approaches displaying positive character traits as well as cultural knowledge.”2 The conversation opener was even more welcome when the Hunter, with a confident demeanor, voiced a word of embarrassment.
If you’re still not comfortable with that, here is the world’s second-best approach. According to the “Leil Lowndes Unofficial Survey of Women Sixteen to Sixty,” women preferred it nine times out of ten, and it has stood the test of time. I prefer it. My mother preferred it. And her mother before her preferred it. The trumpet blare please: “Hello, my name is ________. And yours?” Try it. She’ll like it.
Unless a beautiful woman sounds like she’s hog calling, you won’t take special note of her voice, but she will yours. It can be beautiful music or microphone feedback to her. Mother Nature programs females to respond viscerally to a deep male voice because it signals more testosterone, which, in turn, makes your sperm stronger, which, in turn, makes you a better begetter of babies.3
Chemistry Sparker #19
Forget Macho. Use a Slightly Self-Effacing Direct Approach
Approach your Quarry with total confidence—but verbalize a slight touch of self-effacement. Example: “Hi, I feel a little embarrassed about this, but I’d really like to meet you. My name is . . .” Presenting yourself that way displays self-assurance, intelligence, and no pretense. You don’t believe it works? Check out the original study called, quite aptly, “Preference for Opening Lines” in the references.
The word “rejection” mainlines terror into the veins of the most confident of men.4 They can hardly say the “R word.” Guys wrack their brains for pick-up lines, read books on how to be a “player,” take online courses, and practice personality tricks to make you swoon. Some spend thousands to attend seminars. I’ve spoken at these conferences and am shocked how it petrifies a guy that you won’t accept his overture. He has nightmares of someone shouting out, “Hey, everybody, look at that sniveling little critter. He actually thinks he can pick up the likes of her.” The crowd laughs uproariously, and stripped of his manhood, he crawls away.
Girl, you must make your interest outrageously blatant. One of the country’s most respected sex and relationship researchers determined that 97 percent of men just don’t “get it” when you signal them.5 It’s not his fault. Never forget: The male brain is not constructed to sense subtleties in nonverbal communication.
Some years ago, before my cousin, Rory, married his lovely wife, Camilla, he was visiting me. A nearby pub is known as one of the best meat markets in New York City, so off we went. I noticed a beautiful redhead sitting at the bar who kept smiling at Rory. To me and every other woman in the room, it was as obvious as a fly in a sugar bowl. Rory talked to a few girls and, not finding anyone special, suggested we leave. Walking home, I commented, “Gee Rory, it’s really too bad you didn’t see any girls you liked.”
“Oh, I did,” he said.
“Really, which ones?”
“Did you happen to notice the girl at the end of the bar with the long red hair?”
“Yes!” I sputtered. “The one who was giving you the clear come-on signals.”
“Giving me the what?” he gasped.
“The poor girl kept flirting her little red head off trying to get your attention.”
“C’mon Leil, don’t tease me like that.”
“Rory, I’m serious. Her signals were as clear as crystal to me and every other woman in the bar. And obviously clear as mud to you.”
To this day, he thinks I was kidding.
For female what? The word proceptive is sociological/anthropological lingo for the female initiating the relationship. In order to produce successful products, a company requires both quantity and quality. On Planet Earth, males are responsible for quantity of output and females are in charge of quality. It’s true all throughout nature. Female mammals in Mother Nature’s magnificent skies, seas, and earth are extremely picky about their “sperm donors.” A ladybug, bee, bird, or fish spots her preferred target bug, bee, bird, or fish. Then, by tongue flicking, self-licking, or obscene sucking sounds, she lures her chosen Quarry. Chuckling inside, if animals could chuckle, she pretends to run away. He chases her, convinced that all those spicy signals mean sure sex.
Ladies, learn from the lower creatures. They are smarter than you in this sense because they openly practice female proceptivity. Your mantra should be “If you want a top-rate mate, you must initiate.” Females are the logical pursuers. Society, however, has repressed our natural proclivities. Just as many gays and lesbians once felt obligated to hide theirs, it’s time for us all to come out of the closet!
Ladies, I’m not even going to bother with the kid stuff suggestions. You’ll get the same old chestnuts about being the first to make eye contact and to smile from plenty of other sources. And, yes, it’s good advice. To obliterate any lingering doubt about its overwhelming power, the research project, “Giving Men the Come-on: Effect of Eye Contact and Smiling in a Bar Environment” proves it.6 It’s elementary. It’s effortless. And yes, it works to lure him over. But we’re not just talking “lure” in this book; we’re talking about creating that chemical Spark.
Girl, I cautioned Hunters to forget they ever heard the words “pickup line.” Conversely, I implore you to learn a few. When the bars/restaurants/parties/laundromats study was reversed, males responded overwhelmingly to women’s opening lines. “Reactions to Heterosexual Opening Gambits” proved that the direct, innocuous—and even cute-flippant ones—were equally effective when coming from a female.7
You’d want to wear a bag over your head while delivering any of the following pickup lines, and I am not suggesting any of them verbatim. I present them merely to give you an idea of the corny phrases proven to produce the desired results. Here were the researchers’ scripted lines for the ladies:
•They directed some women to approach men with a smile and say, “When I first saw you, I thought about introducing you to my girlfriend, but I’m not that generous.”
•Others followed their Quarry with a pen in their hands and asked, “Did you drop this?” They then laughed and confessed. “That was a pretty lamebrain excuse for me to talk to you, wasn’t it?”
•A third group said, “Can I say I met a hot guy tonight, or do I have to lie to my diary?”
Do these lines sound cheesy? Yes. Corny? Yes. Dumb? Yes. Déclassé? Yes. Do they work? A resounding yes! I hear you thinking, “Oh, I couldn’t do that!” But consider this: If you don’t awaken his napping neurons with something shocking, you may never meet him. Which is worse?
Chemistry Sparker #20
Huntresses, Plan Some Opening Lines!
Sisters, think like a guy and plan phrases to meet your next Potential Love Partner, whom we’ll call your PLP. There is no need to be quite as outrageous as the ladies in the study were directed, but write your own opening lines. Be creative and courageous. Raise the bar on your comfort level, and be a little outrageous.
The short answer is no. Here is the longer one: It’s not just the senile, the sleepless, and alcoholics who suffer memory loss. The male ego has an uncanny ability to rewrite history and conveniently disremember who approached whom. Remember, his prefrontal cortex is not the best egg in his basket when saturated with dopamine and testosterone. For the rest of your future life together, he will brag to your mutual friends that he, the successful Hunter, made the first move. Why? Because, as I said before, thanks to the male’s more sluggish gray-matter transmissions, his “instant” is slower. When your blatant come-on finally dawns on him, it could be the first moment he thinks he’s noticed you.
At a neighborhood gathering I ran into a friend, Melissa Richards, who had been married to her husband, Randy, for twelve years. I asked her how they’d met. “Leil, I shamelessly stalked him,” she laughed, and then revealed the details. When they were students at Stanford, Melissa spotted him studying at another table in the library. She instantly felt the Spark and kept sneaking peeks at Randy. When he noticed, she smiled. He returned the smile perfunctorily but went back to looking at his books. This scenario repeated itself the next day. Obviously Randy didn’t feel the Spark for Melissa.
On evening three, Melissa decided to take action. She hid behind one of the shelves in the library at the usual time Randy came to study. Pretending to just enter, she came over to him and lied that she’d been sitting at that table earlier in the afternoon and had lost a contact lens. Randy crawled around the floor helping her look for it. But to no avail, of course, because Melissa never wore contacts. He then went back to his books.
Almost ready to give up, she decided to try one more ploy. She got a cup of coffee at the campus café, sat at his table, and started sipping it while studying. She reached for another book and—oops—the coffee just happened to spill. Randy, the perfect gentleman, raced into the men’s room for towels to swab it up. When he finished she touched his arm and jokingly purred, “Oh, you are my hero.”
For the first time, it seemed, Randy looked her directly in the eyes. It was Melissa’s physical touch that lit the Spark. “Uh, let me get you another coffee,” he stammered.
“Oh, thanks. I’ll join you.” Melissa replied. They walked side by side into the café. If it had been a movie, the music would crescendo as “The End” comes up on the big screen.
Several weeks after the neighborhood get-together they invited me to dinner, and this time I thought it would be fun to ask Randy how they met. Here’s his story:
“It was at the university library, and the first time I saw Melissa I knew she was the woman for me. I didn’t even know if she drank coffee, but I’m glad she did because I asked her if she’d like one with me. And the rest,” he grinned, “is history.” Melissa smiled demurely at him and kicked me under the table.
So sisters, secretly revel in your prowess and smile shamelessly into the eyes of your new Quarry. Go after him with barefaced abandon. He’ll never remember how it happened.
If, despite all the evidence to the contrary, you still hesitate to deliver “a line,” there is the substitute testosterone tweaker that Melissa used—the power of touch.
Chemistry Sparker #21
Trick Him into Touching You
Find an excuse for bodily contact—any excuse! For example, wear a bracelet or necklace and, upon spotting your Quarry, surreptitiously click open the clasp. Then ask him, “Oops, excuse me. Could I trouble you to help me put it back on?” Another ploy is to ask him what time it is. When he tells you, pretend to be surprised and jokingly grab his arm to see his watch, as though you need proof that he’s telling the truth.
Even the most innocent physical contact gets his hormones hopping, especially if he’s rescuing a fair lady from a distressing situation.
Huntresses, you’re in luck if you’ve met your Quarry in a somewhat professional setting because you can employ the power of bodily touch naturally. It’s called shaking hands. People think, “I can’t read your mind,” but cognitive science might take issue with that. Your thoughts produce physiological responses that are manifested in your auto-nomic, or involuntary, nervous system. Your every thought has a subtle influence on your heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory rate, and sweat glands. Lie detectors are built on that basis, and science has succeeded in implanting a device in the brain, enabling quadriplegics to control robots with just their thoughts.8
You can secretly employ that cognitive power. While holding his hand, transmit a subliminal message by lightly placing your pointing finger on his pulse. In a sense, it is touching his heart, because his pulse is a wave traveling directly from the heart. Then press your whole hand against his so tightly that you couldn’t shove a marble between your palms. After pumping the traditional few seconds, when he starts to pull his hand away, squeeze it and pull it slightly closer to you. Then harness the power of your mind to Spark him.
Chemistry Sparker #22
Think Hot Thoughts While Shaking His Hand
While holding his hand, gaze into his eyes and silently say, “You are really hot and I want to have sex with you.” Your soundless monologue—some would call it “dirty thoughts”—camouflaged by your professional demeanor, gives your face just the right expression to ignite a tiny Spark. To a certain extent, mind reading is possible—especially if your mind is saying something he wants to hear.
Ladies, all of the above little Sparkers have a cumulative effect. He’ll never guess that what he felt was due to your protracted handshake, pressing his pulse, silent salacious messaging, or surprise touch. He’ll just tell your friends, “I felt an instant Spark when I met her.”
Gentlemen, as you now know, the topic you discuss is way less crucial than what the casual chat reveals about you. Gentlemen age fifty-plus, you may remember the old eight-track music tapes in the 1970s. Your Quarry’s brain is capable of listening to all tracks simultaneously. Track one: your appearance. Track two: how you move. Track three: your clothes. Track four: your voice. Track five: your intelligence. Track six: your socioeconomic level. Track seven: your personality. And track eight: how you treat her. Remember, her mind isn’t one-track like most guys’.
Here is an only slightly exaggerated peek at the simultaneous tracks in the female brain. Let’s say you’re casually chatting with her about your health club. She’s musing, Great, he’s a healthy guy. But if you mention the gym again later in the conversation, it’s, He’s a health freak. Mention your church. Nice. He has integrity. Talk about your place of worship again, and it’s, This guy’s a religious fanatic. You tell her something nice about a buddy. Good, he has male friends. But bring up the same buddy later in the conversation? Maybe he’s gay.
Science buffs, you know a strip of blue litmus paper dunked in a vat of acid turns pink. And if you dip the tip in a single drop of acid on a glass slide, it turns just as pink. Well, the lady’s mind is like litmus paper and can’t help but make inferences from every drop of your conversation.
Chemistry Sparker #23
Don’t Get Labeled by Repetition or Excessive Emphasis
Hunters, be as careful as a hemophiliac in a razor blade factory during the first conversation. Beware of talking too much about the same thing, and don’t return to a previous point unless really relevant. You don’t need an undeserved “fanatic” label slapped on your forehead.
Your goal in this first conversation is to show that you are boyfriend, maybe even husband material. If the woman is really gorgeous, Hunters, you might overlook a little thing like her prison record. Women don’t. She secretly dons a Sherlock Holmes cap, packs a magnifying glass in her purse, and slinks stealthily through everything you say for clues to your character.
“But how can I show my good qualities without bragging?” you ask. Here are a few ideas. Her silent reactions are in italics.
•Ask her favorite restaurants. Then drop the names of some of yours—first-class ones, of course. Between the lines she’s reading, He’s got good taste.
•Compliment something she’s wearing, say, her bracelet. Ask where she bought it because you want to buy your little sister a present. How nice, he’s good to his family. But, darn, you couldn’t find anything in the Tiffany’s catalogue. Maybe he’s rich.
•Whatever subject she brings up, say “Tell me more.” He’s interested in my mind, not just my body.
•If at all relevant to the subject, quote something that you read about in the Wall Street Journal. If she’s more the literary type, try the New York Review of Books. It will also impress her if you quote one of your favorite books. (But not this one!)
•If you know anyone in her field, be sure to say, “You should meet . . .” Now you get an A-plus for wanting to further her personal growth.
Chemistry Sparker #24
Talk Between the Lines, Saying, “I Am Husband Material”
It makes sense that, if she’s listening between the lines, you should talk between the lines. Never plan an “opening line,” but do stockpile ways to allude to your good-guy characteristics. Be subtle, however, very subtle! Don’t worry—her x-ray antennae will pick up on them.
As sure as a goose goes barefoot, your Quarry will soon ask, “So what do you do?” It is not necessarily what your job is but how you respond that could be the life or death sentence on your potential relationship. Prepare an answer that impresses her without seeming to.
From what you now know about how Big Mama programmed the lovely, you might assume her query is solely for determining how much you make. In another era your assumption might be right. But for the most evolutionarily developed women, your vocation signifies something more important than money. It is a key to your character. For a growing number of twenty-first-century women, it doesn’t matter whether you are a bigwig who owns half of the entire computer industry or work in the mailroom at Macy’s. Women prefer a man of character who can get what he wants in life. If you are CEO of a global firm but despise your profession, you come off as a loser. Conversely, even if you cut cadavers or breed slugs for a living, you’re a winner if you like your job because you’ve achieved what you want.
When she asks, “What do you do?” here is the perfect answer:
Chemistry Sparker #25
Give a Playful but Passionate Answer About Your Work
When she asks what you do, respond with a playful smile and these precise words: “For pleasure or work?” Follow that with, “I’m just kidding, I love my job.” Then enthusiastically tell her more.
Sentence number one displays your sense of humor. Sentence two shows you are a positive person. Sentence three says you are winner because you’re not stuck doing a job you don’t like.
A note for Huntresses: I know I may be asking the impossible, but if you refrain from asking, “What do you do?” it demonstrates that you are different from nearly every other female on the planet. I know it’s not easy, girl, but give it a shot.
Gentlemen, the following conversation tip is gleaned from a study in which men were directed to “confess” a little fault to a new Quarry, something like you always forget your keys or where you parked the car.9 Because a woman is so used to a Hunter trying to impress her, she finds it charming when you do the opposite.
Chemistry Sparker #26
Make a Tiny Personal Confession
To increase the Chemistry between you, confess a little fault.10 She’ll find your revelatory repartee rare, honest, and endearing. But keep it small. She doesn’t want to hear about your bankruptcy declaration, bigamy charge, or bitter divorce.
Beware of trying to impress your Quarry overtly, especially in the money department. There’s a good chance she has more money than you anyway. In fact, single women today earn more than single men.11 Put your effort into showing how much she impresses you. Here’s a Sparker that shows you’re interested in her job.
Continue asking your Quarry questions about herself and adjust your antennae to tune in to her self-image. Is she proud of being extremely bright? Spiritual? What about an extensive knowledge in a particular field? “How fascinating,” you exclaim, “that you’ve read the twelfth-century Dialogues de Scaccario in the original Latin. I’d like to hear more. When would you be free for dinner with me so you can tell me all about it?”
Be Fascinated by Her Business Card and Ask Questions
When she hands you her business card, don’t just peek at it and shove it in your back pocket. Hold it with two hands and gaze at respectfully. Glance at it several times while she tells you about her job. Occasionally nod admiringly and ask more questions about her job.
Here’s another question that is perfect for showing nonsexual interest. Ask her, “What is your average day like?”
Chemistry Sparker #28
Show Growing Interest in Her Mind
Men who express their interest gradually are more successful with attractive women than those who show they are immediately impressed.12 Convince your Quarry you are far more interested in what’s between her ears than what is between her thighs. Otherwise, she figures it’s just her looks, and you become as important to her as a screen door on a submarine.
Huntresses, if you’re a gorgeous ten, little short of picking your nose, putting him down, or—for some—lighting a cigarette will turn him off sexually, so your first words are not as crucial. However, males have a derogatory term for women who use lascivious lures and “don’t deliver” (hint: initials “C. T.”). It’s only fair to lay the groundwork during the first conversation that you are not going to hop into bed with him immediately. After you’ve lured him with sexual signals it’s time to show him that you are serious-relationship material. You are one in a million, not one among a million.
Did I just use that awful phrase? Shame on me. But I’m a great believer in “the end justifies the means” as long as it’s best for both parties, is not illegal, and doesn’t hurt anyone. Your “bait” was tweaking his testosterone in anticipation of hot times to come with you. Your “switch” is flashing something more important—your superior qualities. In the back of his mind (albeit way back at first) are the characteristics he wants in a future wife, like intelligence, compassion, integrity, and fidelity.13
There are lots of ways to hint at these. You could bring up a current news story—not one in which celebrities are sleeping together but perhaps something international (intelligence). If it’s about a subjugated population, express your dismay (compassion). Tell him how much you respect a friend’s honesty (integrity). If the subject of past relationships comes up, make sure you never hint at any extracurricular activities (fidelity).
Reveal Your Substantial Qualities Early in the Conversation
As soon as your sexy lure is successful, start showing the characteristics that quality Quarry considers long-term potential must-haves. Let nothing slip that could destroy that image. Make a conscious effort to plant the seeds that signal, “I am a special woman of superior quality.”
Huntresses, this does not mean telling him too much about yourself, however. If you read the previous advice for males, telling them to reveal a few tidbits of personal information to his Quarry in the first conversation, ignore it. It doesn’t work the other way around. Instead, make your male Quarry wait for a date or two to discover more about you. Keep personal, psychologically revealing stuff to a minimum.14
Chemistry Sparker #30
Stick to a Nondisclosure Policy
No matter how much you’re sure you’re destined to be together, do not make the mistake of spilling your life story. (At this point he’s not interested anyway.) Also, try to use the words “I feel” or “I felt” as few times as possible. Unlike you, at first a male is not fascinated by your feelings about anything—except him.
Creating Chemistry, as you now know, means inciting neurons in your Quarry’s brain to zap messages in all directions like a spreading wildfire. A recent National Institute of Health study showed excitation in several brain regions when hearing one’s own name.15 Here’s a way to double them to ignite the flicker into a little Spark.
Chemistry Sparker #31
Nudge Your Quarry’s Neurons with a Double Name Whammy
Just saying his name is old hat. Double that power. Somewhere, further into the conversation, say your Quarry’s first and last name to give it a twofold punch. “Palmer Smith, you are so funny.” Or his first name twice in response to something he said: “Oh, Palmer, Palmer.”
Hunters, 1) you’ve met the lady respectfully, 2) shown husband-material qualities, 3) made a charming tiny personal confession, and 4) proved that she fascinates you as a person.
Huntresses, you 1) either lured him with sex or picked him up, 2) were upbeat, 3) a bit of a mystery woman, and, finally, 4) began the bait and switch by showing wife-worthy substantial qualities.