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You’ve been dating for almost a year now. It’s fabulous fun, and the sex is mind blowing. You feel miserable when you’re apart, and it’s magic when you’re together. Maybe he’s “the one.” Perhaps she’s the woman you could love forever. You’re starting to feel serious—seriously wonderful!
Well, most of the time. Huntresses, you worry because at times he closes off for no reason and won’t even tell you what he’s thinking. Hunters, you fell for her hard and fast and truly do love her—but you begin to wonder because sometimes she gets overly emotional over “absolutely nothing.” He gets angry or she gets pissy, and you both begin to fear your potential permanent Love Partner might become just a brief affair.
The biggest reason dating couples break up is not big fights. It’s not infidelity. It’s not even mistrust. It’s gradually growing disappointment and irritation with each other. That’s a pity because you could be perfect for each other in the important things in life: your beliefs, values, goals, and interests. But too often one person starts to find the other aggravating and throws in the towel on a potentially near-perfect relationship.
Why is that so common? Because people don’t understand that they’re practically dealing with a chemically and neuroanatomically different species! Books have tried to teach us what to do and what to say as well as to speak the other’s language. But that’s not enough. You must learn how to think in a different world—the other sex’s brain.
Many if not most relationship problems have deep roots in differences between the sexes. But you’ve known about those for decades. About twenty years ago the author John Gray cleverly and charmingly introduced the world to the non-astrological sense of the planets, Mars and Venus.1 Back then, readers took copious notes on the challenges that Mr. Mars and Ms. Venus faced with each other:
Mars hides his feelings. |
Venus wants to share them. |
Mars doesn’t listen. |
Venus talks more. |
Mars quickly offers solutions. |
Venus gives unsolicited advice. |
Mars wants to feel needed. |
Venus needs to feel loved. |
Mars reacts with anger. |
Venus reacts with emotion and tears. |
Nothing has changed in the years since the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus was published. Males still hide feelings, don’t listen, quickly offer solutions, want to be needed, and react with anger. Females still share feelings, talk more, give unsolicited advice, need to feel cherished, and react with emotion and tears. It isn’t going to change in our lifetime. We are born that way.
For those of you who find gender differences as fascinating as I do, here’s more: In preschool a little guy played more competitive games, got angry quicker and more often, fought more, talked later and less, didn’t enthusiastically welcome other kids into his games, used more play space, was less sensitive to his friends’ feelings, was more interested in objects than people, averaged thirty-six seconds for family goodbyes, identified with the hero or robber in stories, and played with trucks and action toys. If someone did force him to play with dolls, he used them as dive bombers.2
Conversely, female tots played fewer competitive games, got angry more slowly and less often, fought less, talked earlier and more, welcomed other kids into their games, were more sensitive to their friends’ feelings, used less play space, were more interested in people than objects, averaged ninety-three seconds for family goodbyes, identified with the victim in stories, and played with dolls—not as dive bombers.3
Have we changed that much? Neuroscientist Dr. Rhawn Joseph wrote,
Within the core of each of us is the child we once were. This child constitutes the foundation of what we have become, who we are, and what we will be.4
So why, these many years after Mars and Venus enlightened our planet, do half of all marriages still end in divorce? John Gray did a great job telling us how to change our behavior, but unfortunately, at that time he didn’t have access to the neurological research because it didn’t yet exist.
There is a big difference between knowing something and really knowing it. You know that a car stalls, but unless you understand the construction under the hood, you can’t fix it. Unless you know what chemicals to put in the gas tank, it’s not going to stay purring very long. Likewise, unless you know the neuroanatomy, neurochemistry, and neuropsychology behind why Mars and Venus are so different, you won’t remember what to say when she accuses you of “what” or he does “that.” Memorizing phrases isn’t enough, and it makes avoiding the same mistakes almost impossible.
When you were a kid you knew you shouldn’t lick a frozen flagpole because your mother told you not to. But you don’t really “get it” until you know why: The moisture on your tongue freezes instantly, forming an ice bond between your porous, now very painful body part and the pole. Of course you’ll have plenty of time to ponder thermal conductivity while you await the rescue squad. But by then it’s too late.
In many ways, in addition to technologically, a kid is smarter than his elders. Once he’s felt like a thousand tweezers are ripping off his taste buds, he’ll never lick the pole again—no matter how much his big brother double-dog dares him.
Adults, however, don’t learn from their lessons. They marry and, not grasping the immense biological/neurological difference—and evolutionary influence—of their mate’s brain, get stuck. The ripping away is excruciatingly painful. And then they go out and get stuck all over again. Once again, with a new partner, they vow to stay together—“for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.” For far too many couples, unfortunately, it’s “until misunderstanding, jealousy, or ‘I just don’t love you anymore’ do us part.”
Some fortunate few have the ability to swim through the synapses, figuratively speaking, of their Love Partner’s brain. The other 99 percent of us need a life preserver to avoid drowning in the foreign rivers.
Just last week Giorgio and I were sitting on the couch looking at movie listings and had decided on the latest Tom Hanks film. As we were considering the earlier or later show, I asked, “Giorgio, did you know that Tom Hanks is a grandfather?”
Giorgio looked at me quizzically and asked, “What? What’s that got to do with whether we go to the six or eight o’clock show?”
“Nothing.” I mumbled, “I just thought I’d mention it.”
A year ago his response would have exasperated me. But this time, finishing up this book, I caught myself.
I just kissed him on the cheek and said, “Giorgio, you are being so . . . guy.”
“Would you want me to be anything else?” he chuckled.
I picked his arm up off the back of the couch and put it around me. “No,” I purred.
He kissed my cheek, and we went back to looking at the listings.
Then I asked, “Giorgio, don’t you think it’s interesting that Hanks is still a big sex symbol and he’s a grandfather? How many grandmothers do you think are sex symbols?”
At that, he abruptly stood up to do something in the other room. Oops, I realized. Once again I’d slipped again into “female brain” type of thinking. If I’d been talking with a girlfriend, it would have been perfectly logical for us to go from the movie times . . . to Tom Hanks the actor . . . to Tom Hanks the grandfather . . . to a male sex symbol’s age . . . to joking about sex symbol grandmothers. That could even lead to discussing how my grandmother used to cook with a pressure cooker. So you see, it makes perfect sense that we could be talking about movie times one minute and pressure cookers the next. Any woman would understand that. But not Giorgio, not your brother, not your father, not your Quarry, nor your male Love Partner.
Huntresses, think of a big box with lots of little boxes inside it. That’s your man’s brain compared to yours. Those interior squares aren’t stacked tightly together. In fact, the perimeter of one box doesn’t even touch the next. Your man may not neatly fold all his socks and place them in his drawers, but he neatly tucks all his thoughts into separate boxes in his brain like the little boys at my birthday party did with the waffle syrups.
In order to think quickly about another subject that women call “related,” he must make the comparatively long voyage across his wide synaptic rivers between neurons. Then he needs time to choose which box the thought should jump into. So when you swim quickly and smoothly from one subject to the next, he thinks you’re scattered. And you’re infuriated that he can’t just casually discuss anything with you.
Girl, be grateful he can compartmentalize like this. Men have the ability to concentrate and focus intently on one problem at a time better because all his thoughts on that matter are squished into one little box.5 He wants to stay right there until he figures it out and resists if you try to drag him out of it. Giorgio’s box brain was still debating the early versus the late show. And a “totally irrational female” was babbling about grandmothers not being sex symbols.
Tell Him If You’re Switching Boxes
Huntresses, when you’re talking with your PLP and you want to say something you think is related to the subject, he might not see the association. Remember, a male’s neurons are more sparsely packed, and this slows down his neural connections. His six and a half times more unmyelinated gray matter further detracts from the speed. So explain the connection to him before saying anything he could possibly think is irrelevant. If he seems confused or exasperated, wind up your point quickly by saying, verbatim, “The bottom line is . . .”
Conversely, Hunters, her brain is not a set of organized containers. Think of it as a ball of yarn. Any knitter knows that to form the yarn for storage, you start with a loop, and then wrap the next string around the center of that. As it begins forming a ball, you gradually rotate it until the pieces of yarn are in place. Each string goes in a slightly different direction, but they’re much more interconnected than your boxes. Her more closely knit neurons means she can jump effortlessly from one subject to the next, and you might not understand the association. The sudden switch makes some men think it’s “screwy thinking.”
Don’t let it drive you up the wall. Try to grasp the connection of the new topic to what you’re discussing. If you can’t, just have faith that, in her brain, it is relevant. The lady’s intricate maze of millions of closely connected neurons can tweet messages all over her brain a thousand times quicker than a lizard’s tongue. Gentlemen, you’ll find this an advantage for you in some cases!
Understand Her Ball of Yarn
Hunters, your lady love has ten times more of that speedy white matter, so of course her thoughts are on fast forward. To your more logical mind, her comment sounds like it’s coming out of the blue. The next time she confuses you with something that seems irrelevant, either try to figure out the connection or just smile, shrug, and think, “That’s my girl.”
You might want to try compartmentalizing some of your thoughts in boxes too. It not only helps you get along with your Love Partner better, but it can also keep you from being ticked off at a lot of things. A couple months ago understanding the Stacked Boxes vs. Yarn Ball Concept helped my life in two small ways. It not only saved me from being ticked at Giorgio, but it also got me some lovely lingerie I wouldn’t have had.
He had foolishly made the mistake of going shopping with me and was waiting in the safety area near the lingerie department where embarrassed, bored, impatient husbands hang out. As I laid a bra I wanted to buy on the counter, I told the saleswoman I liked it so much that I was going to quickly grab the panties to match. When I returned seconds later, three ladies were in line. I stood on the side, naturally expecting the saleswoman to take me next because I’d been there first. In spite of my strident throat clearing, she continued to ignore me and wait on the others. I was furious and went storming over to Giorgio with a disgusted, “Let’s go!”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because I don’t want to buy anything from that bitch!” I sputtered, “I was in line and just went away a few seconds to get something else. In the meantime she starts waiting on all those people who hadn’t even been in line, without even a smile or apology to me!”
“What’s that got to do with the underwear. Do you want to buy it?” he asked.
“Yes!” I almost shouted. “But . . .”
“So?” he interrupted. “The other customers were ready to buy before you were.” I started to blow up at him but, thanks to my new insights, I understood. For him, the lingerie was in one mental box, and my fury at the salesperson in another. He saw the two facts as separate, whereas I saw them all intertwined.
I harrumphed, went back, scooped up my purchases and joined the line, realizing he was right. Thanks, Giorgio.
Huntresses, put your left hand on the Bible and raise your right in the air. Now try to tell me you’ve never had this conversation with your Quarry.
You: What are you thinking?
Him: Nothing.
You: Oh, come on. Tell me.
Him: Really, nothing.
You: What do you mean? You’ve got to be thinking about something.
Him: No, really!
He’s telling the truth, Huntresses! Not thinking about something is inconceivable to us. We can never quit because our brain neighborhoods are constantly communicating—on a ground line, no static. His, however, have long periods of silence. When there’s nothing specific in one of his boxes to solve, his entire stock of thoughts drains out. His boxes can be completely empty. Nothing in them. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
As a relationship ripens, I’ve heard many women complain, “He and I have nothing to talk about anymore.” But have you ever heard a male groan, “My wife and I can no longer find anything to talk about?” He doesn’t care because, for him, silence can spell togetherness.6
It is said that one evening the poet William Wordsworth visited his good friend Samuel Taylor Coleridge. The two gentlemen sat silently by the fireside, contentedly smoking their pipes and saying nary a word. As the hours wore on, Mr. Wordsworth stood up, shook his friend’s hand, and said, “It has indeed been a delightful evening, Mr. Coleridge.”
“The pleasure is all mine,” Coleridge replied. And they both meant it!
Can you imagine two girlfriends spending an evening together like that? Males enjoy sitting silently together and just chilling. Giorgio is one of those “strong silent types,” and I used to rack my brain for things for us to chat about when we were together. I felt we had to keep talking in order to be communicating.
Chemistry Sparker #57
Don’t Bust into His Boxes
Don’t ask your PLP what he’s thinking about. When a Hunter is stressed out, retreating and curling up in his cozy “nothing box” is a very comforting place for him to be, and he gets exasperated if you try to yank him out. No matter how much he adores you, he sometimes prefers chilling out alone to chatting. It’s crashing his private party to ask, “What are you thinking?” When he emerges, he’ll feel closer than if you’d invaded.
My new neurological insight has been a real relationship booster for us. Now Giorgio and I sometimes go through an entire dinner with little casual chatting. I can tell that he’s much happier in one of his boxes, and I am learning to enjoy my own yarn ball of thoughts sitting silently with him.
That’s the sequel to the perpetual male query, “What does a woman really want?” The stack of books in my basement oozes with ridiculous advice on “how to get a man to share his feelings.” Here are some of the worst suggestions I’ve read. (To avoid embarrassing the authors, some with recognizable names, I won’t reference them.) They recommend telling him:
1)“Honey, I know the male role requires that you be tough, objective, and unemotional. But you’ll be even more of a man in my eyes if you can open up to me.”
2)“It’s okay to have feelings. It’s not a sign of weakness.”
3)“I don’t suspect you’re hiding anything from me.”
4)“I’ve always shared my feelings with you. Now all I’m asking is the same.”
5)Share your feelings with him honestly first. Then tell him, “See, it wasn’t so hard. Now it’s your turn.”
The ubiquitous, all-time worst advice in those books was “Be sure to look him directly in the eyes when probing his feelings.” Males definitely do not communicate best gazing into another set of human eyeballs. They’d prefer to be staring down the barrel of a semiautomatic twelve-gauge shotgun. In fact, the deepest guy communication is done sitting side by side in a foxhole, pointing their guns at the same enemy.
Huntresses, what if he insisted that you do something you were physically incapable of doing—like picking him up and hoisting him over your head? Do you think you’d be able to do that if he told you any of the following?
1)“Honey, I know the female role requires that you be soft, feminine, and not muscular. But you’ll be more of a woman in my eyes if you hoist me up over your head.”
2)“It’s okay lifting me up. It’s not a sign of being too strong.”
3)“I don’t suspect you’re hiding your physical strength from me.”
4)“I’ve always lifted you up. Now all I’m asking is the same.”
5)Hoist her up. Then say, “See, it wasn’t so hard. Now it’s your turn.”
As I explained in the Introduction, language is housed in the left hemisphere of the brain, and emotions are in the right. Both male and female brains are divided right smack down the middle by a hedge of twenty million nerve fibers called the corpus callosum. But that division has a vastly different neuron density for you and your Quarry.7
A Hunter’s barrier between language and emotions is the Wall of China compared to a Huntress’s picket fence. While speaking from his language hemisphere, he has a heck of a time tapping into his emotions on the other side of the great wall. A Huntress hops back and forth over the barrier like a jump rope.
So don’t ask your PLP to expound on how he feels. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. He can’t and, because the average guy doesn’t like to admit he’s incapable of anything, he gets annoyed. So sisters, if you decide to stay heterosexual, don’t expect much discussion of feelings with your partner. If, however, getting your man’s feelings on something is of life-and-death importance to you, here’s a tip on how to do it.
Chemistry Sparker #58
Give Your Questions a Corporate Spin
Choose a time when he’s not expected to do any deep gazing into your eyes. Then substitute more corporate phrases like, “What is your take on that?” “Let me run a few questions past you,” or “What’s your appraisal of the situation?” (Never ever use the word feel.) And, heaven forbid, don’t ever, ever preface it with “We need to talk.”
Hunters, it’s the opposite for a woman. Asking her feelings is a mammoth togetherness booster.
Chemistry Sparker #59
Ask Her “How Do You Feel About That?”
Hunters, the next time you and your Quarry are chatting about anything, anytime, anywhere, that anyone could possibly have any emotions about—good or bad—gaze into her eyes and soulfully ask, “How do you feel about that?” After you pick her up off the floor and revive her with smelling salts, she’ll swoon with feelings of closeness.
Gentlemen, as tough as it is to express your feelings, it’s tougher for you to recognize hers. If you put observation of your Love Partner’s teary eyes in one box, her quivering lips in another, and her hanging head in another, how could you possibly be expected to connect the dots and determine she’s upset? Besides, you’ve been brought up to believe that letting your emotions show is a sign of weakness. So you’re probably assuming, “I’m sure she wouldn’t want me to notice.”
I’d like to help you change your thinking. Consider the usefulness of reading emotions. I’ll put it in guy terms. There you are at the poker table. The lights are low and the smoke is thick. You stare over the mountain of chips at the guy across from you. It’s just you and him now. You’ve got a sweet straight in your hand, but the dude just keeps raising the stakes. His expression is placid and his eyes are drilling a hole into your face. What’s going on? Is he bluffing?
You take a chance. You call and lay down your cards.
YES! The pot is yours.
How did you outsmart your opponent? You had developed the talent to read micro-expressions. It wasn’t obvious. Your adversary hadn’t sucked in his breath or glanced away even for a flash. But when he raised his eyebrows and pulled them together for a fraction of a second, you sensed it was sheer fear. You smelled it as clear as cow dung.
The biggest winners in business and sports are expert readers of emotions. A world-class chess player senses how firmly his opponent holds his piece and how quickly he places it. Your enemy’s face and body telegraph his strategy, training, determination—but only if you know how to read him. So get out there, dude, and master the skill of reading micro-expressions. You just need a little practice. How?
Grit your teeth and hang in there with me on this next suggestion. Step one: Download a daytime soap opera and watch it with the sound off. You’ll see the whole gamut of emotions—anger, acceptance, anticipation, aversion, sadness, surprise, and hundreds in between. See how many you can name in the silent show.
Step two: Now turn the sound on and suffer through it again. On average, a Huntress would recognize eighteen out of twenty emotions correctly.8 A guy’s doing well if he can identify five.
Now watch it yet again with the sound off and practice, practice, practice. You’ll get the hang of reading emotions soon.
Former Army psychologist Paul Ekman, one of Time magazine’s world’s one hundred most influential people in 2009, trains police interrogators and authorities in the art and science of face reading. Now he’s developed a program to detect whether a couple is headed for the divorce court from just fifteen seconds of watching their interaction.9 Their flashes of indifference to each other’s subtle feelings play a big role. To keep the Sparks flying, try to adjust your antennae to pick up her subtle expressions.
Chemistry Sparker #60
Detect Her Micro-Expressions
Hunters, being sensitive to your Quarry’s feelings is a biggie in making your Chemistry last. Practice the talent, and when you detect she’s upset, ask her what’s wrong. Then listen, nod. Listen, sympathize. Listen, comfort her. But do not offer solutions—until she asks.
Guys, there’s another reason to acknowledge her emotions: If you don’t, she’ll get angry and start arguing with you. And due to her brain’s more direct connection between emotions and language, you’ll probably lose!
I’ll never forget a totally confounding (at the time) experience I had in Seattle. A client who had booked me for a seminar picked me up at the airport. On the way to the hotel, Bernard briefed me about the group, the room setup, the AV arrangements, and he gave me my handouts he’d printed. Suddenly a Honda in front of us came to a screeching halt, just missing what could have been a major fender bender. I turned toward Bernard to tell him how lucky it was that he saw the car and stopped, but he was already shaking a furious fist at the other car. The other driver bellowed, “I had to stop, you idiot, or I would have hit the car in front of me.”
“You could have gotten us killed you sonnuva-bitch,” Bernard bellowed. That was met with a hand darting out of the Honda’s window, middle finger raised in the air—the inner-city sign of war. Figuring the finger wasn’t Hulk Hogan’s or Mike Tyson’s, Bernard leapt out of the car. All I saw was a flurry of flushed faces and flailing arms. Finally he stormed back, but not before banging his fist on the finger giver’s car. Why did he react so physically? Because a male’s limbic system is more wired to the physical than the linguistic.10
“Asshole!” he bellowed. I thought, but of course didn’t say, “Asshole” had a point. He did have to stop suddenly to avoid hitting the next car. Grumbling, Bernard got back into the car, where I was pretending to go over the handouts.
I lost something in his car that day: my respect for Bernard. If he had been my boyfriend, brother, or husband, I would have been furious and spent the rest of the ride trying to explain to him why the other guy was right. A.H. did indeed need to stop suddenly. If I’d known then what I know now, however, I would have considered Bernard’s blowup just a rude male burp. His emotions, fueled by testosterone, shot straight to his biceps, bypassing any rational thought.
The rest of the time in Seattle, Bernard was an ideal client. Unfortunately, due to his irrational blowup, I was unable to give him the respect he deserved and the gratitude I wish I’d expressed.
Huntresses, your man didn’t exactly come out of the womb baring his toothlessness or clenching his tiny fists. But the anger and aggression circuits were already formed by the time he let out his first yelp.11 When the doctor held him upside-down by his tiny pink feet and spanked his bottom, the newborn dude probably wanted to kill him. While kindergarten guys were slugging it out in the playground over a dispute, we were talking out our differences in the sandbox.
And of course, evolution gets into the act. If, instead of facing the small-fingered Honda driver, a Cro-Magnon Bernard found himself staring into the eyes of a livid lioness, what was he supposed to do? Say “Down puddy cat,” or “Let’s talk about this”? No, he pulls out his homemade ax or hurls his hunga munga. The womenfolk back in the cave are delighted. And he is delighted when they don’t scold him for his angry reaction.
There’s more. Don’t forget his childhood, the acculturated “show ’em how tough you are, kid” influence. Let’s put this into Cognitive Science language: “Limbic (emotional) activation in the female brain is linked to verbal response areas,” and “Limbic activation in the male brain is linked to motor/physical response areas.”12 In a sense, his anger chemicals go straight to his fists, hers to her tongue. When he’s furious, his amygdala says “Pull the trigger.” Hers says, “Tell one of your girlfriends.”
Chemistry Sparker #61
Don’t Talk When He’s Fuming
Huntresses, between his limbic system being wired to the physical rather than the linguistic, plus evolution, plus his upbringing, plus ten times more testosterone, what do you expect?
Ignore and forgive your Quarry’s outbursts. It’s anatomy, evolution, and upbringing all rolled up into one “anger ball,” and it will pass.
Hunters, your advice is just the opposite. Ask her to tell you all about the problem, every minute detail. If you have the misfortune of being the one she’s pissed at, just listen quietly and then repeat one or more of the following phrases:
“I’m sorry I [fill in what she’s accusing of you of].”
“You’re absolutely right. I had no right to [fill in what she’s accusing of you of].”
“I can’t believe I was so thoughtless to [fill in what she’s accusing of you of].”
“Can you ever forgive me for [fill in what she’s accusing of you of]?”
“I promise [fill in what she’s accusing of you of] will never happen again.”
Then, as soon as she’s calmed down, hug her and tell her you love her.
See how easy that was?
Chemistry Sparker #62
Grill Her for the Details
When your Quarry is angry, Hunters, don’t turn away. Soften your body language, look her directly in the eyes, and ask all the ins and outs of what’s bothering her. Her emotions are more tied to the linguistic, so unlike you, she’ll love talking it out. Nod often and toss in an occasional “I understand.” Then use a selection of the above phrases liberally and finish her off with a hug. Don’t fight fire with fire. Snuff it out with the bonding chemical, oxytocin.
Congratulations to both of you. The two of you have done everything right so far. Huntresses, you Sparked your Quarry with sexual bait and reeled him in with your fine qualities. Hunters, you Sparked hers by showing that you’re husband material right up front. You both collaborated with Mother Nature to enhance the passion. You used neuroanatomical and chemical insights into your Quarry’s box- or ball of yarn–type brain to navigate the Love Boat away from the jagged rocks. You’re ecstatically happy and tell everyone you are “in love.” But now let’s learn how to Spark the Chemistry to make it the real thing, the kind of true love that makes your Quarry crave lasting togetherness with you.