What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
Remember Dr. Pierce from Chapter 4? My firm helped him prepare for a television interview during which he discussed a government decision not to require insurance companies to cover a certain medical procedure. He was actually one of four experts who appeared on a panel during the interview. Although I fought against it for reasons that will become clear later, the station forced all four panelists to sit behind a table. Since I couldn’t get Dr. Pierce out from behind it, I urged him to lean forward during the entire interview, with his forearms resting on the edge of the table and his hands open and pointed toward the camera.
He did an excellent job. Only once did he start to lean back, but before he could get all the way back, I caught his eye from behind the camera and started waving my arms frantically. He got the (nonverbal) message and leaned right back forward. The other three members of the panel leaned back in their chairs the entire time. One folded his arms across his chest. Another clasped his hands behind his head part of the time. The interview lasted about 10 minutes. The reporter asked Dr. Pierce one question, and it was a friendly, simple one that he knocked out of the park. The others got hammered with very difficult—and, in a few cases, even hostile—questions.
Maybe Dr. Pierce got lucky. But I would argue that he avoided the tough questions because he sent the right nonverbal messages to the reporter (and to the program’s viewers). Because he sat forward, he showed that he was engaged—that he cared and was committed. By showing his hands, he sent a subtle psychological signal that he was being honest and open. Without saying a word, he drove his CODE score up toward 100. By employing all the right techniques, Dr. Pierce gave the reporter no reason to challenge or embarrass him. I believe the reporter fired tough questions at the other panelists mainly because their nonverbal cues made him at the very least suspicious, and perhaps even a little angry.
Modern academic research on the ways in which nonverbal cues influence the perception of trust and credibility began in the late 1960s and early 1970s with the work of Dr. Albert Mehrabian at the University of California, Los Angeles. Mehrabian’s original study, later expanded upon in his classic 1971 text, Silent Messages, concludes that the average person decides if he or she “likes” a person based on three factors: words, tone of voice, and facial expressions. The seminal study further assigns relative weight to each of those factors:
Total Liking = 7% Words + 38% Tone of Voice + 55% Facial Expressions
Essentially, Mehrabian concluded that when someone judges whether or not he or she likes you, the person pays more attention to how you sound and look than to what you say. In other words, what you communicate visually is more important than what you communicate verbally.
Over the past 40 years, researchers have built on this initial work. We’ve learned that people pay attention to a lot more than just tone of voice and facial expressions. Subconsciously, they evaluate hundreds of nonverbal cues as they determine whether they like someone or, for our purposes, whether they find someone to be trustworthy and credible.
We’ve also learned that while people constantly read nonverbal cues in every situation, they interpret and evaluate the cues differently depending on the nature of the relationship. Friends, family, and coworkers notice and process nonverbal cues but tend to give you the benefit of the doubt. You can stand behind a lectern, leave a shirttail untucked, or fold your hands behind your back—no big deal. In these normal situations, people tend to give you time to convince them that you’re more than your negative nonverbal cues might suggest. In general, we go easy on the people we know and trust.
In tough situations, when people perceive that a risk is being imposed on them, they judge every nonverbal cue in the most negative way possible. (Remember our discussion of sweating and public speaking in Chapter 5.) And they judge very quickly, often in as little as 30 seconds—before you even have a chance to say anything. That’s why it was essential that Dr. Pierce send the right nonverbal cues from the very beginning. The reporter and his audience were set to judge him long before he spoke. The consequences of negative nonverbal cues are so severe that even a spot on Dr. Pierce’s tie would have driven his CODE score down. Not by much, perhaps. But when you’re trying to break through and win people over, every point counts.
To have any chance to win people over when they’re angry, worried, and suspicious of everything you say, you need to actively and deliberately send the right nonverbal messages if you want to have any chance to show that you’re trustworthy and credible. Of all the strategies, skills, and techniques covered in this book, this may be the most difficult to master, because it takes both mind and body control. You have to pay attention to many different things, literally from your head to your toes. And you have to practice over and over again to figure out what things you’re doing wrong and make them right.
Through decades of research, both in the laboratory and the field, experts have identified seven nonverbal cues that rank as the most important:
2. Show the palms of your hands.
3. Maintain a neutral facial expression.
4. Adopt a stance that is firm, forward, and friendly.
5. Dress appropriately.
6. Arrive early and stay late.
7. Remove or step around any physical barriers.
Breaking through and winning people over requires understanding the Big Seven and doing them all just right.
One word of caution when it comes to nonverbal messages: the strategies, skills, and techniques we’ll explore in this chapter are based on American culture. Other cultures will interpret and react to these nonverbal cues in very different ways. As I learned on a trip to Thailand, showing someone the bottom of your foot is considered very rude. Whenever you find yourself in an unfamiliar culture, make the effort to learn which nonverbal signals you should emphasize—and which you should avoid. If you ever find yourself in Beijing, say, trying to convince local officials to let you build an industrial facility, be sure to consult experts on Chinese culture and society, and refine your strategies, skills, and techniques accordingly.
You send and receive more nonverbal signals with your eyes than with any other body part. Eyes are the number one nonverbal cue that angry, worried, and suspicious people will use to determine whether you’re trustworthy and credible.
Some researchers spend their entire careers studying the signals people send with their eyes, and dozens of books have been written about how they play into the way we judge trust and credibility. Here’s just one example: When right-handed people access an existing image in their minds, they tend to look to the left or up and to the left, but when they create a new image in their minds, they tend to look to the right or up and to the right. The movement tends to be in the opposite direction for left-handed people. This suggests that when most people tell the truth, their eyes move away from their dominant hand. When they lie, their eyes move toward their dominant hand. As you can imagine, this is far from a perfect science. Not everyone behaves this way. But these eye movements can have a tremendous impact on people who are judging trust and credibility, because people who are angry, worried, and suspicious interpret these signals in the worst possible light.
Fortunately, you don’t need to understand the complex intricacies of eye movement to succeed when it comes to this nonverbal cue. The trick to sending the right nonverbal messages with your eyes is simple: establish and maintain good eye contact. When you make good eye contact, you show that you care about your audience’s feelings, that you respect audience members and their opinions, that you’re there to listen, and that you’re dedicated to addressing their concerns. (Some experts believe good eye contact also shows that you’re honest, though others consider this to be an open question.) If you don’t make good eye contact, you send all the opposite signals: that you don’t care, don’t respect your audience’s feelings and opinions, and don’t want to interact with audience members.
While establishing and maintaining good eye contact is essential whether you’re addressing one person or a hundred, it’s often easier said than done. With one person, the most effective technique is to maintain eye contact for as long as two or three minutes, and then to look away for a few seconds before locking back in. This sends the right signals without appearing to stare, which can be interpreted as rude or even threatening, especially when engaging in a tough situation.
Many people, including some of my most successful clients, struggle to maintain eye contact for two or three minutes at a time. Carol Kinsey Goman, an expert in nonverbal communication and author of The Nonverbal Advantage, offers a technique that can be very effective: Create an imaginary triangle on the face of the person with whom you’re communicating, with the eyes as the bottom two corners and the middle of the forehead as the apex. If you look in this area (Goman calls this the “business gaze”), you get all the advantages of good eye contact without appearing to stare. Be careful, though. Goman warns that if you invert the triangle, with the eyes now as the top two corners, you’ve wandered into the “social gaze.” If you look there, the nonverbal messages you send will be much different. Let’s just say the social gaze is more appropriate in a bar than a business meeting.
Communicating with a group of people is a little more complicated, but for some, a little more comfortable, too. You should lock eyes with one person for several seconds, then break off and lock eyes with another person, and so on. You don’t have to lock eyes with everyone in the room, and it’s OK to go back to someone a second or even third time. The key is to keep moving from one person to the next.
In addition to all the other positive nonverbal messages Dr. Pierce sent, he maintained good eye contact with the reporter. And as I tell the people who ask me about television interviews, the reporter’s face is precisely where you should look. The simple rule of thumb is to look at the reporter, employing the techniques we’ve discussed. The only setting where you should look at the camera is called a live-remote, where you’re sitting alone in a room and listening to a reporter ask questions in your ear. In a live-remote, you should stare directly into the camera. More on that in Chapter 8.
Like most of the skills and techniques associated with winning people over, good eye contact takes plenty of practice. Don’t be shy about asking your spouse or a friend to help you get it right.
When I train people, one of the first things I look at is what they do with their hands when they talk. I specifically watch for one of the two extremes that can most affect trust and credibility: flailing hands that totally overwhelm what someone is saying, or motionless hands that make a person appear robotic. Fortunately, most people fall somewhere in between these two extremes. But even if you move your hands appropriately and comfortably, you can send the wrong signals in situations where people are angry, worried, and suspicious of everything you say.
When it comes to hands, remember my advice to Dr. Pierce: keep them visible to your audience at all times, and show your palms as often as possible. This gesture communicates deep, subconscious messages lodged in our collective psychology. Jesus Christ, who billions of people consider to have been the most trustworthy and credible person who ever lived, was nailed to the cross with his arms extended and his palms facing out. Religious leaders often spread their arms in front of them in a gesture meant to encompass and soothe (see Figure 6.1), and this nonverbal language remains effective despite the scandals that recently rocked the Catholic Church. The technique also traces back to the origin of the handshake, a custom that goes back at least to ancient Greece: when you show others your open palms, you confirm that you’re not carrying a weapon. Today, visible hands and open palms suggest that you are caring, open, and dedicated—not to mention nonthreatening.
FIGURE 6.1 Open Hands, Open Heart
When it comes to judging credibility, we take many of our nonverbal cues from trustworthy sources. Showing the palms of your hands conveys openness, honesty, and safety, in part because it’s a gesture made frequently by religious leaders.
©iStockphoto.com/kati1313
How should you show open palms? When you are standing, the best technique is to hold your hands in front your body, between your hips and your shoulders. Ideally, you’ll keep your hands apart, but it’s OK to occasionally touch your fingers together, as long as they are in front of you. Some people my firm trains ask if it’s all right to hold something, like a pen, because they believe it calms them down. While this can be effective for people who suffer from “flailing hands,” in general it’s best to learn how to communicate without them. I’ve seen too many people who start to fiddle with what they’re holding, which distracts from what they’re saying.
One effective technique is to touch your heart. The heart embodies love, the soul, and life itself. Resting an open palm on your heart as you speak, when appropriate, sends a very strong signal of openness, dedication, and warmth.
If keeping your hands in front of you, showing your palms as often as you can, and touching your heart represent what you should do, Figure 6.2 illustrates what you shouldn’t do. Here’s how these other hand positions affect your message in tough situations:
FIGURE 6.2 What You Say When You Hide Your Hands
Any posture that hides your hands sends a signal that you’re unhappy, uncomfortable, and possibly even dishonest. When it comes to hands, the key to winning people over is to keep your hands between your hips and shoulders and visible at all times.
Barbara Longsworth
Sticking your hands in your pockets. This can be the most harmful pose when it comes to winning people over, because your hands are completely hidden. On top of that, if you jam your hands into your pockets, you may fiddle with something, which distracts people. Again, in normal situations, putting your hands in your pockets is perfectly acceptable. It sends a signal that you’re at ease and confident. In tough situations, the signals are all negative: you’re uninterested, evasive, deceptive, or even angry.
Holding your hands clasped behind your back. In training, my firm refers to this as the executioner’s stance, because in medieval times, guards would tie the hands of prisoners on their way to the gallows behind them. Those under arrest today often have their hands cuffed behind their backs. These are not the nonverbal signals you want to send. In addition to guilt, hands behind your back communicates the opposite of dedication and commitment.
Clasping your hands below your beltline. We call this the fig leaf position. Although your hands are visible, the nonverbal message you’re sending is, essentially, “Back off. I won’t hurt you if you don’t hurt me.”
Crossing your arms. This can be the most difficult stance to avoid, because it’s so common in the course of normal communication. Unfortunately, it sends all kinds of negative nonverbal cues. At least one of your hands will be hidden, and perhaps both. You come across as rigid and distant because you have placed what amounts to a physical barrier between you and your audience (more on that later in this chapter). And for some reason, I’ve noticed, many people tend to turn away from their audience when their arms are crossed, which will be interpreted as evasive. You should square your shoulders and face your audience straight on.
Clasping your hands behind your head. I refer to this as the “I know better than you” pose. In tough situations, when every nonverbal cue is seen in the most negative light, this position sends a signal of superiority (though in normal situations, it sends a different signal: confidence). Interestingly, the panelist who received the harshest treatment during Dr. Pierce’s interview spent much of the time with his hands clasped behind his head.
Putting your hands on your hips. When people are angry, worried, and suspicious, they will interpret this gesture as a sign of superiority—plus anger. Placing hands on hips also makes it harder to show people the palms of your hands.
Wringing your hands or locking your fingers together. These gestures are generally perceived as aggressive, and in some cases as a lack of confidence, and therefore as a lack of expertise. This is why you need to hold your hands apart and in front of your body.
The techniques associated with the proper use of your hands remain the same whether you’re standing up or sitting down, even as the mistakes you’re likely to make tend to differ. While it’s less likely that you’ll put your hands in your pockets or adopt the executioner’s stance when you’re sitting, it’s more likely that you’ll cross your arms or clasp them behind your head. In either case, avoid putting a barrier—a lectern or a desk, for example—between you and your audience. And like Dr. Pierce, keep your hands in view and show your palms as often as possible.
The average person can form hundreds of different facial expressions, many of which last for less than a second, and all of which convey one of the six universal emotions identified in 1972 by American psychologist Dr. Paul Ekman: anger, contempt/disgust, fear, joy/happiness, sadness, and surprise (see Figure 6.3). Ekman later expanded his list to include 11 more emotions, but we’ll stick to the original six here. If you’d like to dive deeper into this fascinating subject, I included the third edition of Ekman’s Emotion in the Human Face in the list of recommended readings at the end of this book.
FIGURE 6.3 The Six Universal Facial Expressions (You Need to Avoid)
Facial-expression expert Dr. Paul Ekman has found that humans display and recognize these six universal facial expressions. One key to breaking through and winning people over is to avoid all six and maintain as neutral a facial expression as possible.
Barbara Longsworth
Whether fleeting or universal, every facial expression sends a message. Since people who are angry, worried, and suspicious interpret every message you send in the most negative light, your goal is to limit your facial expressions to those that convey caring, openness, and dedication. That can be very hard to do, and we train many of our clients to simply maintain as neutral an expression as possible. A furrowed brow, which may come across as caring or dedicated to some, may come across as skepticism or even disdain to others.
But mostly, we work with our clients to avoid four very big pitfalls when it comes to facial expression in tough situations. If you maintain as neutral a countenance as possible and avoid these pitfalls, you’ll bolster your CODE score.
Numerous studies have shown that when most of us lie, our brains release chemicals known as catecholamines. Among many other physiological effects, these chemicals cause mucous membranes inside the nose and mouth to swell. This in turn causes nerve endings in the face to tingle. In simple terms, catecholamines make us itch. And when we itch, we scratch. Some call this the mucous membrane syndrome or the Pinocchio effect.
Most people aren’t aware of the science behind catecholamines. Subconsciously, though, they understand and recognize the effects these chemicals cause. As we’ve learned, people interpret the same nonverbal signal either positively or negatively depending on the situation. The same is true here, because lying isn’t the only reason your brain might release catecholamines. It can also happen when you’re nervous. If you scratch an itch in the course of normal conversation, for whatever reason, no big deal. People probably won’t even notice, or if they do, they’ll subconsciously assume that you’re nervous. In a tough situation, when every signal is interpreted in the most negative way possible, they’ll think you’re lying. So no matter how much your nose may itch in a difficult situation, don’t scratch it. The best way to avoid the itch is to prepare, prepare, prepare. If you’re not nervous, and assuming you’re not lying, you’re less likely to fall victim to the mucous membrane syndrome.
Experts have found that the rate at which most people blink is closely connected to whether they are experiencing pleasant or unpleasant feelings. Joseph Tecce, Ph.D., a body language expert at Boston College, argues that while blink rate does not necessarily correlate with lying (though other experts believe it does), it definitely influences perception in a negative way. For example, Tecce has found that in every presidential contest from 1980 to 2008 (except 2000, when George W. Bush lost the popular vote but won the presidency), the candidate with the fastest blink rate during the presidential debates went on to lose the election. Barack Obama broke the streak in 2012, when he defeated Mitt Romney despite blinking much faster during their first debate. See Figure 6.4 for another presidential example in support of the idea that people draw negative conclusions from rapid blinking.
FIGURE 6.4 President Clinton’s Press Conference “Tell”
Facial cues can have a huge effect on the perception of trust and credibility. The average person blinks at a rate of between 15 and 25 times per minute. One of the highest blink rates—120 times per minute, or roughly six times the average rate—belongs to President Bill Clinton. He blinked at that rate when he held a news conference to deny that he had had any sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky. He also touched his nose 26 times. These nonverbal signals strongly suggested that the president was nervous and uncomfortable. Many experts, including Dr. Paul Ekman, a pioneer in the study of emotions and facial expressions, have claimed they knew the president was lying when they watched his news conference.
Wikipedia, public domain
Again, preparation is the best defense against excessive blinking. Keep in mind that too little blinking also can undermine your CODE score. Blink too little, and you’ll look like a robot and risk offending people who don’t like to be stared or glared at.
The same physiological response that can cause your nose to itch also can lead you to lick your lips. Again, in a normal situation, no one would hold this against you. In a tough situation, audiences will perceive this to mean that you’re uncomfortable and dishonest. A good way to guard against all the problems that catecholamines can cause is to drink a little water before you head into a tough situation, to help keep your mucous membranes moist. Just don’t drink too much. You don’t want to be fidgety because you need to use the bathroom. A little clear lip balm can help as well.
In the early days of risk communication, experts often recommended self-deprecating humor as a way to demonstrate humility and boost your CODE score. Over the years, however, new research has shown that any type of humor—even jokes you aim at yourself—is often perceived in a negative way. Angry, worried, and suspicious people don’t want to think you find their concerns amusing. That means you’re not taking them seriously, which will cause you to lose caring and dedication points. Today, my firm counsels clients to not even smile unless they’re absolutely sure it won’t affect their CODE score. That can be hard, especially when someone throws a strange or weird question at you.
During training, my firm often shows a video clip of an official from the Social Security Administration (SSA). He’s appearing on the ABC program 20/20 to defend the agency’s decision to deny disability benefits to a blind woman suffering from multiple sclerosis. He starts off well and even successfully expresses a little caring and empathy. Then the reporter asks what would seem to be a simple question: What is the definition of “substantial work,” which is the measure by which the SSA determines whether someone qualifies for benefits? Basically, if someone is capable of doing substantial work, that person is not eligible for benefits. Unfortunately, the SSA representative doesn’t know the answer, and he starts to make every mistake in the book. He leans back. His eyes dart from left to right and up and down. He crosses his arms. Finally, he looks back at the reporter, a big smile breaks out on his face, and he says, “I don’t know what the definition of substantial work is.”
The people to whom we show this clip typically watch quietly while the SSA representative self-destructs. When he smiles, the room erupts in moans and groans. Of all the mistakes he makes, the smile does the most damage.
When it comes to how you stand or sit, the key to breaking through and winning people over is really the same as it is for the eyes and hands: you must send signals that show you’re caring, open, and dedicated.
Most importantly, your feet should be still. If you’re standing up in front of an audience, plant both feet firmly on the floor—unless, of course, you’re moving around a stage or a room (which is OK, as long as you don’t move too quickly and distract people). In tough situations, people will interpret “nervous feet” as a sign that you’re uncomfortable, at best, or lying, at worst.
When you’re sitting, an open posture is best. Sit on the edge of the chair, and lean in toward your audience (or, in the case of a media interview, toward the reporter), though not so far forward that you invade the audience’s or reporter’s personal space. Many men, myself included, like to rest one foot or ankle on the other knee. That’s all right, as long as you continue to lean forward. Crossing one leg over another or wrapping one foot around the other, as women tend to do, also is acceptable. In both cases, remember not to cross your arms. That immediately turns an open posture into a closed one. Also, keep in mind the rules for the proper use of hands in a sitting position, as we described for Dr. Pierce. If the chair has arms, rest your elbows on them and hold your hands in front of you. Try to avoid clasping them together; I prefer to touch my fingertips together. And as described earlier in the chapter, show your open hands to the audience as often as possible, especially when you’re speaking.
Whether you’re standing or sitting, keep your hips and shoulders square, and face your audience. If you’re addressing an individual in a group—responding to a question, for example—step slightly toward the person, and square yourself to her. When you’re done, step back, and square yourself to the center of the room again. No matter the situation, you should always be leaning slightly toward your audience—again, without invading anyone’s personal space. Even when standing, you can bend a little at the hips or rest on the balls of your feet. By leaning in, you signal to audience members that you’re interested in and care about what they have to say, and that you welcome their thoughts and questions.
The head is the last stop on our tour of proper body posture, and the same basic rules apply. Keep your head still and level. If you tilt your head too far back, you’ll appear superior and aloof. Too far forward, and you’ll look, well, a little creepy. Perhaps the toughest trap to avoid when it comes to head posture is nodding or shaking your head when someone is speaking to you, particularly when you’re listening to comments or questions. In tough situations, people are likely to make accusations when they speak. In training, many of my clients tend to nod along during an accusation, as if they’re trying to say, “I understand” or “I hear you.” That’s understandable, but that’s not the nonverbal message they’re sending. Instead, they’re saying, “The accusation you’re making is true.” Other clients do the opposite: they shake their heads to suggest they disagree with the accusation. Also understandable, but that’s not the message that will be received. Instead, the audience will interpret a head shake as a sign that you’re dismissing the accusation—and the underlying concern—as unworthy or irrelevant.
As with so many other techniques involved in winning people over, the best way to become comfortable with body posture is to practice in front of a mirror, so you can judge for yourself what nonverbal signals you’re sending and fix any problems. That may seem awkward, but remember that effective communication in a tough situation is a performance. Actors and dancers (as well as TV anchormen, like my brother) spend hours and hours staring at themselves in the mirror. They understand that for any skill, practice makes perfect. And if you’ve perfected the ideas described in this chapter, you can still keep learning more sophisticated techniques like the ones Oprah Winfrey uses (see Figure 6.5).
FIGURE 6.5 Wending Like Oprah
The most highly skilled credibility communicators don’t just send nonverbal signals; they receive them as well. If you’re on top of your game and sense that you’ve established trust and credibility with a large audience, one advanced technique involves physically moving into the audience—in effect, becoming one of them. At this level, you’ve removed the final barrier: space itself. I call this the Oprah technique, because Oprah Winfrey used it so effectively during the early days of her successful talk show (though, in her case, the situation wasn’t difficult or hostile). If you engage in this technique, don’t forget to continue to monitor your audience’s signals. If you sense that your credibility is under attack or eroding, slowly disengage and step away from the audience. Remember, this is an advanced tactic that can backfire quickly if not done properly.
©iStockphoto.com/EdStock
When it comes to clothing, the rule of thumb for boosting your CODE score is to avoid anything that might distract people from what you’re saying. Men should avoid ties or shirts with crazy patterns, for example, while women should avoid gaudy jewelry, low-cut blouses, and short skirts. Simple patterns and solid colors work best (for television, too).
In one-on-one situations, common sense prevails. If you’re disciplining an employee or fighting it out with your significant other, chances are you’ll be dressed appropriately. In front of large groups, dress one level above what you expect the best-dressed person in your audience to wear. This allows you to earn CODE points for caring and expertise without appearing condescending or superior.
Remember the example in Chapter 4 of a New York company charged with cleaning up an old contaminated site? The state agency that regulated the company called a public meeting at the local high school (a lot of these difficult meetings seem to occur at high schools). We knew most people would be dressed casually, some in jeans and others in slacks. So we counseled our client team to wear sports coats. The regulator, who didn’t ask our advice, wore a tie. The contrast was striking. He made plenty of other mistakes—standing behind a lectern, tossing out lots of jargon—but the way he dressed only made things worse. While our clients escaped the meeting largely unscathed, the Q&A with the regulator got pretty heated, almost to the point where we had to call security.
Here are my general rules for dress if you’re a man, and since I’m no fashion guru I’ll ask female readers to take their cues for how to dress in tough situations:
If your audience will be wearing shorts and T-shirts, wear jeans and a collared shirt.
If your audience will be wearing jeans, wear slacks and a buttoned-down shirt.
If your audience will be wearing slacks, wear a jacket and tie.
If your audience will be wearing jackets and ties, wear a suit.
And if your audience is wearing suits, well, that’s as high as you need to go. I’ve never run across a situation where I’ve recommended that a client wear a tuxedo or ball gown.
If you’re about to enter a tough situation, one where your audience is going to be angry, worried, and suspicious of everything you say, chances are your instinct will be to show up at the last minute. Then when you’re done, you’ll want to hightail it out of there as quickly as possible. That’s perfectly natural. Why would you want to expose yourself to criticism and difficult questions any longer than necessary? To put it simply, you want to because you want to score CODE points, and arriving late and leaving early send all the wrong nonverbal messages.
Remember what we learned about Mr. Malone in Chapter 5. When it comes to arrival and departure, win people over by arriving early and staying late. When you arrive, take the chance to introduce yourself to people one-on-one or in small groups. You might be able to answer some of the toughest questions—and defuse some people’s anger and suspicion—before the meeting even begins. These encounters will also provide you with anecdotes you can use later if you take questions from the audience: “You know, your neighbor Steve asked me the same question before the meeting began. Let me tell you what I told him . . .”
If possible, be the last one to leave the room. When the formal session ends, announce that you’re willing to stay as long as it takes to answer any “quiet questions” that people have. Chances are some people will come up to you afterward. Most will leave, but even those who do may look over their shoulders as they walk out the door and see you standing there, living up to your promise. You’ll earn big dedication and commitment points. Like Mr. Malone, you should also provide contact information or give out the address of a website that provides additional information, so people can follow up with you after the meeting is over.
The earlier discussion about how to talk with your hands mentioned that crossing your arms in front of you is a definite don’t. That’s mainly because this stance creates a physical barrier between you and your audience (and also hides at least one of your hands).
Barriers send the wrong nonverbal signals in difficult situations. Crossing your arms sends signals of discomfort and superiority: “I’m not one of you, I know better than you, and I don’t want you getting too close.” Physical barriers such as desks, tables, and lecterns do the same (see Figure 6.6). They separate you from your audience, when your goal is to score CODE points by becoming accepted, liked, and believed.
FIGURE 6.6 Don’t Let a Lectern Get in Your Way
As commander of coalition forces during the Gulf War, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf proved himself to be a natural at credibility communication. He used every technique to its full advantage, as here when he stepped out from behind his lectern, removing the barrier, during a press briefing.
AP Images
Barriers also often become crutches. Most people who stand behind a lectern tend to lean on it or hold it, hiding their hands and often creating a distraction (tapping on the side, or banging for emphasis).
We’ve discussed techniques for scoring CODE points when you’re forced to sit behind a table. But the best solution to barriers is to get rid of them. If you call an employee into your office for a difficult conversation, move your chair out from behind your desk and sit right across from the employee. When you speak in front of a large group, ask for a lavalier microphone (one that clips to your tie or jacket) so you can get out from behind a lectern or table and speak directly to the audience.
All of these techniques for nonverbal communication are important for breaking through and winning people over in tough situations, whether you’re a man or a woman. But as the next chapter explains, there are some differences in how women and men earn credibility.
