Controllers not only fear separateness but also fear being found out, that is, discovering that others do not see them as they see themselves.
PATRICIA EVANS
We sent our guests home and straightened the house. Plopping down on the couch, exhausted, Christie and I reviewed the evening.
“It was nice so many people showed up,” Christie said.
“Everyone I talked to said they were glad they came,” I added. “Although I find it hard to believe that Cathy was enjoying herself.”
“Well, we can’t control how people behave.”
“On the positive side,” I said mischievously, “I found a few people to include in the crazy-making book.”
Tired but generally pleased with the evening, we lingered over the episode between Jake and Cathy. Had they gone home and continued their argument, with Jake taking the upper hand?
How had Dan and Gail fared after the party? Did Gail launch back into her tirade against the airlines? Did Dan continue to let her have the stage? Mostly we reflected about the issue of control.
Readying ourselves for bed, Christie stopped and looked at me.
“Speaking of characters for your book, I almost forgot to tell you about an encounter I had,” Christie said with obvious frustration. “Do you remember Darla?”
“Describe her,” I said.
“She’s the one who works at the bank. Tall, with red hair. Dresses really nice, laughs loud.”
“Oh sure. She dominates our meetings with her opinions. She seems to need to have her way about every tiny thing on our agenda. People get pretty frustrated with her. What happened?”
“She cornered me,” Christie continued. “She came into the kitchen asking if she could help, but before I knew it she had taken over. Telling me where to put things, rearranging my trays, telling me how to run a party. Generally taking control. I wasn’t strong enough to ask her to leave. I was hooked. I felt crazy. So where would she fit in your book?”
“That’s a good question,” I said. “Actually, we may just have come up with another category—the control freak.”
“Well,” Christie said, “she was certainly controlling with me. Controlled my time and attention without any regard for others at our house. Controlling my kitchen. I’m not sure I liked her very much.”
I continued to reflect on Christie’s encounter with Darla and the importance of control when talking about crazy-makers. Dr. Paul Meier and Dr. Robert Wise, in their book Crazy Makers, define crazy-makers this way:
[They are] people who consistently irritate and confront without taking responsibility or recognizing their limitations. They do not feel the impact or hurt caused by their chaotic obstinate behavior. Crazy-maker behavior ranges from being argumentative to being destructive. Depending on their lack of empathy, crazy-makers move by degrees from being difficult to being narcissistic. Totally self-absorbed, narcissistic persons are marked by indifference and unconcern.1
Applying this definition to the egotist, the sufferer, the borderline, and the aggressor, the theme of control is unavoidable.
• Egotists take control by assuming everything should center around them.
• Sufferers take control by means of a twisted form of egotism—their problems are always bigger than anyone else’s, and nothing you can possibly do will help.
• Borderlines demand control by acting out in a dramatic and volatile manner. You are either their best friend or their worst enemy, and you can never be sure when things will turn.
• Aggressors use intimidation, anger, and perhaps even threats to gain control. They are experts at twisting your words, changing the subject, and heating up the conversation, all of which can make you feel very uncomfortable.
Although I’ve provided a limited list of crazy-makers, understand that within each kind is an infinite variety. However, they all have some common characteristics—especially control. So let’s add the control freak to our list.
Each of our crazy-makers, including the control freak, fits this definition. They probably don’t understand the pain and confusion their incessant erratic and chaotic behavior causes. Each has the power to make you feel crazy—some in ways you can predict yet still fail to manage effectively, others in ways you could never have anticipated. And they invariably make you feel frustrated and off-balance.
Every perpetrator in our circle of crazy-makers has significant problems—most of them related to control. Crazy-makers are absorbed with their own agendas. They end up being controlling, either because they need to be in rigid control of themselves—primarily because they lack the flexibility that daily life requires—or because they need to be in control of others. The issue of power dominates their lives.
Because of deficits in personality, crazy-makers must have control. Some more than others.
Crazy-makers are everywhere. You feel their control quite blatantly. You know not to cross the aggressor or the borderline, so you walk on eggshells when around them. You know egotists have an agenda. They have the future mapped out, and your ideas must mirror their agenda, or they are worthless. The sufferers’ control is less obvious—in fact, you may understand you’re being controlled only when you discover that the topic must always remain on them and their problems. Drs. Meier and Wise offer this description of self-centeredness:
Self-absorbed people generally maintain clandestine plans, because they desire to conceal their weaknesses. On top of this their diminished sense of empathy keeps them from “feeling” how this duplicity affects other people. Rather than being relationally oriented, they are agenda driven.2
One of the most frequent criticisms I hear from people living with or around crazy-makers is, “It’s all about them!” Try as my clients might, they end up dancing to the crazy-maker’s tune. They’d like to carry on a reciprocal relationship, but they can’t because of the crazy-maker’s need to be in control. Power is the overarching theme.
So the control freak joins the four other primary types of crazy-makers in their club. People nod their head in recognition when we refer to control freaks because all of us have them in our lives. But let’s learn more about this character, understanding that control is a common variable of the other crazy-makers and the trait that drives us absolutely crazy.
Most of us have had to contend with control freaks at some time in our lives. Fueled by powerful but hidden anxiety, they have an almost insatiable need to control. You may not be aware that their demands stem from their futile attempt to manage their own inner angst. They feel fearful, anxious, and vulnerable. As a result of a deep-seated sense of helplessness, they grasp one of the few coping mechanisms they have for managing their anxiety. They become controllers.
Some time ago I worked with a couple who epitomized the aggressive control freak and the victimized sufferer, both of whom were working overtime to control their overwhelming anxiety. Both believed that their world was spinning out of control. Although this couple was stuck together like glue, they fought much of the time. Psychologists refer to this type of relationship as hostile-dependent. They can’t live with each other, and they can’t live without one another.
Timothy and Nancy met at the singles group in their church. Both were in their late forties and had come out of painful marriages and divorces. They were good-looking, successful, and bright. Timothy was an ophthalmologist, and Nancy was a successful Realtor. They had been dating for nearly two years when they sought my counseling services.
“Tell me why you’re here,” I began.
Timothy immediately launched into a tirade about Nancy’s work hours.
“I have limited time to be with Nancy because of my schedule,” Timothy stated. “I have a busy practice and want to see her when I have free time. But she refuses to set her schedule to coincide with my time off.”
“Do you see what’s happening here?” Nancy said. “Why do I have to be the one to rearrange my schedule? I’ve been doing that ever since we met. I’ve already modified my schedule to please him, and he wants more. I’ve let friends and clients slip away to please him, and I’m starting to get resentful.”
“That’s not a very Christian attitude,” Timothy said. “If she really cared about us, she’d make time available. She can set her own schedule; mine is dictated by my patients. I don’t always know when a medical emergency is going to happen. But she can schedule appointments. She just doesn’t want to do it. Where’s the commitment?”
Nancy fidgeted in her chair, sighed deeply, and began to tear up.
“I make adjustment after adjustment, and it’s never enough. I’m not sure I can do this any longer.”
“You’re just stubborn and willful,” Timothy said. “You can change anything you want to change. You just don’t want to do it. I’m not going to invest anything more in this relationship if you can’t make time for me.”
“Just a minute,” I said. “I’m a little unclear here. Timothy, why is it up to Nancy to adjust her schedule to fit yours? It seems to me that it should be a mutual process. You both need to take responsibility for finding time to be together, don’t you?”
Timothy suddenly switched topics.
“You don’t know her,” he said. “It’s not just this issue. She also fights with me about money, church, and any number of other things. If I don’t do things her way, then I have to live with having her priorities shoved down my throat.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Well, she demands that we go to church on Wednesday night, when that’s one of the nights I’m free. I want to see her that night, but she insists that we attend services.”
“And there’s no way to negotiate something that works for both of you?”
“Ask her,” Timothy said sarcastically. “She’s the prima donna. She’s the one who has to have her own way.”
“Do you always talk to her like this?” I asked.
“What way?”
“Your words are biting, and your entire approach is very controlling. You talk about her demanding her way, but it seems like you’re backing her into a corner.”
“I knew this would happen,” Timothy said, rolling his eyes. “Nancy gets people to feel sorry for her, and you’re falling for it just like everyone else. I get labeled ‘the control freak,’ but she’s the one in control. Who’s getting their way here? It sure isn’t me.”
My job was to help this couple, but my work was obviously cut out for me.
Timothy had a lot at stake in prevailing against Nancy and me. I could sense his panic when he saw that being aggressive would not automatically enable him to seize control. The emotional stakes were high. He needed to “win” in order to quell the anxiety he felt. When he was able to get Nancy to go along with his game plan, he felt calm and happy. In fact, this was how he gained satisfaction. But when she erected any kind of boundary, his tension increased. I could certainly feel the escalation of emotion in our session, but it was completely outside his awareness.
My work was to help Timothy calm down while steering him away from his insistence on controlling Nancy. He needed to learn to speak from his vulnerable self instead of letting his anxiety control him. He was frightened—that was clear. His fear became the fuel that propelled him to try to control Nancy and her choices. The problem was this: The more his anxiety controlled him, the more he tried to control her. The more she became defensive and withdrew from him, the more his anxiety increased. He was caught in a cycle of destructive behavior that he had probably experienced most of his life: a sense of loss followed by anxiety, control, partner withdrawal, anxiety, control. And Timothy had absolutely no insight into this destructive process!
Control freaks are firmly in the grip of “repetition compulsion”—the tendency to do the same thing again and again. They repeat a destructive pattern even though it never works for them. Control freaks are engaged in a losing proposition. At some point, their partners finally become exasperated enough to blow up, shut up, or give up. In the process, they get caught in the crazy-maker’s trap.
I continued to work with Timothy and Nancy, trying to help him see his pattern of becoming angry, anxious, agitated, and perhaps even threatening. His behavior caused Nancy to withdraw from him emotionally, leading him to feel discouraged and even depressed. He had little insight into this process and was very reluctant to give up his pattern. After all, being in control was his primary coping strategy. He let go of it very reluctantly.
During one of our sessions, Timothy and Nancy shared how they had met and told me that many aspects of their relationship were positive and exciting. Both enjoyed the arts, particularly theater. They were strong Christians and were active in the ministry for singles at their church. As Nancy said, “The good times are so good, but the bad times are so bad.” This dichotomy sometimes masks the problems at the heart of a relationship.
As we worked on their power struggle, I sensed Nancy’s despair. I watched as she became increasingly flustered and confused. The more she tried to have a voice, the more Timothy used a variety of tactics to overwhelm her, often with success. With Nancy’s every attempt to regain equilibrium, Timothy had a counter tactic. Let’s look more closely at the control freak’s methods.
You’re the problem. One of control freaks’ most powerful tactics is to do everything they can to make you believe you are the problem. They don’t need to change; you do. “If it wasn’t for you, we’d have a perfect relationship,” they say. “If you didn’t think the way you do and act the way you do, things would be wonderful.” Of course, if you have any vulnerability at all, any sense of self-doubt—and most of us do—you can fall prey to this powerful tactic.
Let’s talk about this—NOT! Control freaks are often overly willing to talk. But when they do talk, the result is often a lecture or scolding. Make no mistake about it—this is not a discussion. This is not an open-minded sharing of opinions. It does not involve looking at issues from several angles. Control freaks have all the truth, and anyone who disagrees with them is wrong. In fact, they may even line up experts to side with them, adding to the credibility of their opinion. They may pull out a book, a quote, or a Scripture that supports their point of view. How do you argue against an authority, a powerful quote, or—heaven forbid—the Bible? In order to defend yourself from control freaks, you must first understand that their attempts at “conversation” are not intended to be a sharing of information or a free expression of points of view. Their strategy is coercive communication—one person attempting to change the mind of another.
Shame on you! A close cousin to coercive, manipulative communication is the use of shame. Shameful communication often starts with phrases like these:
• I can’t believe you think…
• Do you mean to tell me you’re going to…
• What? You actually think…
• Can’t you see that…
• Are you crazy?
• Are you nuts?
If you have any sense of insecurity, any vulnerability at all, and again, most of us do, these shame-based words will find their projected target. The goal of these controlling behaviors is most certainly to manipulate you, but also to allay the anxiety of the control freak.
Black-and-white thinking. The control freak thinks in black-and-white and allows no shades of gray. You may consider a full array of options and possibilities, but control freaks focus on minute details and zero in on them. Because they see things in black-and-white, you may have trouble getting them to understand you. You may be using abstract reasoning with them while they are using concrete reasoning with you.
Intimidation. If control freaks feel as if they are losing their grip on you or the discussion, they will resort to other tactics. They may try to intimidate you by badgering you, threatening you, deriding you and your thoughts, or using outright intimidation. They may threaten to leave you, sabotage the business you have formed together, or employ some other ridiculous action. Again, the purpose of this is to force you to concede on some issue and help them feel more in control—which lessens their anxiety.
Diminishing. Control freaks must make you smaller in order for them to feel in control. They might call you “stupid,” “fool,” or other derogatory names in order to get you to doubt yourself. Control freaks don’t want you to be who you really are—that is too threatening to them. You must be what they want you to be, so they need to diminish you in some way.
Anger and abuse. Control freaks have a temper and let you know it. Little things set them off; big things make them fume. They use their anger for one reason: because they can. These adult two-year-olds have temper tantrums when things do not go their way. In fact, they become angry over the smallest things, often for reasons they don’t even understand.
Control freaks’ anger quickly turns ugly. With a small dose of annoyance, combined with a rigid point of view, they can become intolerable. They push and push their perspective until you want to scream—or until you do scream. Incensed by even a dollop of rage, they become excessively critical, judgmental, and demanding. They harp on a subject until you want to crawl under a rock and hide. This is abusive!
Rewriting history. Control freaks have their own unique viewpoint on the world. They see things differently and twist things to fit their point of view. This tactic is particularly effective at making others crazy.
Jake, the aggressive businessman from the party scene in our previous chapter, used this tactic with his wife, Cathy. In a moment of anger, and feeling particularly threatened, he told Cathy what she had said and done. He put his own spin on the events and steered them in a direction that suited his purposes.
Patricia Evans, in her book Controlling People, says that manipulators use confabulation at times. That is, when unsure of themselves they may actually make up events to fit their needs.
Confabulations seem like actual memory, seem to be the truth to the person who confabulates. Confabulations are so like actual memory that when a person confabulates a reason for, say, anger, he or she thinks that it actually is the reason for the anger. No wonder physical and verbal abusers so often appear to be telling the truth when they explain away their hurtful behavior.3
Imagine for a moment how crazy-making it is to be with people who make up the “truth” to suit their needs. They “remember” things so that they will always be in a positive light, and you, of course, will be wrong. They aren’t afraid to fabricate events or put creative spin on statements you made in order to establish their case. Rewriting history by using confabulation is a particularly potent tactic of the control freak.
Sweetness. Control freaks are not always mean-tempered jerks. If they were, you wouldn’t be with them. At times, they can be very sweet. After they have gotten their way, when they have quelled their inner anxiety by getting you to go along with their game plan, they become Mr. Nice Guy. You get all the goodies that drew you to them in the first place. As long as you play their game and go along with their way of thinking, you’ll get sunshine and roses. This can be very addictive. You can be tempted to accede to their demands in exchange for the benefits that come your way when you do.
Are there control freaks in the church? Most definitely.
Anywhere people are in positions of power, you will find a few who are control freaks. Do dominating pastors really know how controlling they are? Let’s take a deep breath and tiptoe into this troubling arena.
Controlling people are very good at studying others and discovering their weaknesses. That’s why we should not be surprised that pastors are in a prime position to exploit the vulnerabilities of their parishioners.
George Simon, in his book In Sheep’s Clothing, lists five characteristics that covertly aggressive people will exploit. Knowing them could save you a lot of heartache if you worship in a church with a controlling pastor.
First, the controlling pastor exploits naiveté. Many parishioners would never think their pastor could be manipulative and controlling. How could this godly man standing in front of you, preaching the gospel, possibly be devious and scheming? Why would he seek control, adoration, and riches instead of promoting the kingdom of God? The Scriptures warn us about wicked people with dishonorable intentions.
The second trait controlling pastors exploit is other people’s over-conscientiousness. Many parishioners set high standards for themselves, and controlling pastors can use this seemingly noble action. You have a desire to serve and to be self-sacrificing. You want to be a good Christian, but you’re your striving toward godliness can actually be exploited by a controlling pastor.
I have heard that 10 percent of the congregation does 90 percent of the work around the church. Unfortunately, this 10 percent is also very vulnerable to being overused by the pastoral staff. These hard-working, super-spiritual few have set themselves up to be exploited.
The third exploitable trait is low self-confidence. Controlling pastors seek those who will follow their lead regardless of the circumstances. They want those who will defer to them in any situation without questioning their motives or actions. This is a particularly troubling combination.
Some years ago I belonged to a church with an overly zealous and power-hungry pastor. He was on a meteoric rise to spiritual stardom, and he offered me an opportunity to go along for the ride. I was invited to be part of an elite group of people whom he prized and apparently appreciated. What I did not see at the time was my own vulnerability—my own need to be liked and admired. In the process, this pastor exploited me and many others who were willing to give him the power he craved. The others and I were terribly hurt when he distanced himself from us once he no longer needed us. Teaching classes and serving on boards one day, we were dismissed from service the next. We discovered that we had been sought for what we could offer him rather than for who we were.
The fourth trait is over-intellectualization. This trait causes the victim of manipulation to focus on discerning why the controlling person would behave as he does, rather than accept the fact that he is overly controlling. The over-intellectualizer, according to Simon, thinks that by understanding the causes of the troublesome behavior, he might be able to change the behavior. Over-intellectualization causes people to excuse bad behavior because they think they understand the root causes.
The fifth trait is emotional dependency. Many Christians are particularly vulnerable because they strive to be submissive. The Christian who fears being abandoned or rejected may be vulnerable to exploitation.
We may be tempted to place pastors on a pedestal, seeking their approval rather than finding our approval from God. When emotionally or spiritually dependent, we lean too heavily upon pastors. Rather than seek an authentic relationship with Jesus, we seek a more superficial relationship with our pastor. We are approval addicts. We get caught up in trying to meet the standards of men—and that is a recipe for danger.
Sensing our need for approval, controlling pastors use flattery to get us to see their view of the world. Flattery can take many forms, including paying you special attention or placing you in a prestigious position in the church. In my case, my former pastor not only paid me special attention but also made me a confidant. I fell prey to this flattery by offering him more power than was appropriate.
Like other control freaks, controlling pastors can be dangerous to our well-being. They can demand that we see things their way, accept their viewpoints and obey them, and maintain loyalty and allegiance to them. Like other control freaks, controlling pastors will seek to isolate you from others who dissent from their point of view.
As I stated previously, crazy-makers are everywhere—even in church. But a little knowledge will help you disengage from these crazy-making controllers. Knowing what to look for in a crazy-making controller will help you regain your personality and become the person God intended you to be.
Controlling people seem to be everywhere. They are certainly in some of our pulpits, in powerful positions in the workplace and government, and sadly, in our personal relationships. One of the primary purposes of this book is to help you recognize crazy-makers in your world so you can create new coping strategies for dealing with them. Keep an eye out for the following traits of control freaks:
• They control conversations and focus attention on themselves.
• They think in black-and-white, focusing on details rather than looking at the big picture.
• They must be right.
• They need to prove that you are wrong.
• They tell you what to think.
• They rewrite history, twisting things to meet their needs.
• They often control through the use of money.
• They often control friends and free time.
• They tend to be jealous.
• They tend to be rigid.
Gary Chapman, author of Loving Solutions, devotes an entire chapter to the controlling personality, which he describes as a “dominant personality.”
If someone disagrees with the dominating personality, that person is seen as an obstacle in reaching the goal. The dominant personality is always ready to argue and convince the opponent that he is wrong. If the dominant personality cannot convince the opponent, he or she will sometimes intimidate him—whatever is necessary to reach the goal. Dominant personalities are goal-oriented, not relationship-oriented. They get things done, but they often hurt people in the process. To them, that is simply the cost of reaching the objective.4
If you have been controlled by people—and you probably have— this list may remind you of how difficult relationships with them can be. You may recall how small you feel; how cornered, manipulated, and managed; how diminished they make you seem.
Controllers, for all their wonderful qualities, can drain the energy and love out of their relationships.
So, what strategies can we use to deal effectively with crazy-makers? Let’s begin with the control freak.
First, understand that control freaks feel anxious—that is their primary motivation for exerting so much control. If you can talk to them about their anxiety, helping them to talk about the origins of their fears, they will often calm down.
Second, remind yourself that their behavior is not personal. It is not about you. They are simply trying to protect themselves. They have been compulsive for a long time, and this is not a product of your relationship.
Third, speak from your most vulnerable self and help them to do the same. Help them to speak in “I” language, asking specifically for what they need. Helping them get focused on the major things will help dilute the minor ones.
Fourth, practice letting them know that you hear and understand their needs. Reassure them that they are being heard—something that is very important to them. Practice using techniques such as paraphrasing to help them realize you are hearing them.
Fifth, stay calm. Controllers tend to be anxious, so if you’re not careful you can become agitated and anxious with them. Try to be a calming influence, letting them know that together you will be able to solve the present problem.
Sixth, choose to give them some of the control, but maintain some control for yourself. Choose your battles. Let them have their way on some issues. Avoid power struggles where both of you lose.
Finally, make demands on them as well. Let them know that you have your boundaries and demand respect for them. Practice relating in such a way that you acknowledge their strong needs, but let them know you expect them to acknowledge and respect your needs as well.
Consider what Jesus might say to, and about, the control freak— and other crazy-makers. Jesus began His ministry with the Sermon on the Mount, where He taught, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3). Here Jesus tells us that no one can have spiritual wealth in and of themselves. All are dependent upon God alone for spiritual salvation and grace. Anxious striving for power, wealth, and happiness will not work—we must seek God for our comfort, strength, and courage.
Undoubtedly you are reading this book on crazy-makers because you have one or more in your life. You are probably troubled by how confused and anxious they make you feel. All of that is about to change.
Although crazy-makers have powerful control issues, remind yourself that you are ultimately in charge of you. At times being in a relationship with one of the five different crazy-makers discussed in this book may seem overwhelming, but you must remember that you can become stronger and stronger, which will make you less and less susceptible to the manipulations of the crazy-maker.
Whether you are married to a control freak, work for an aggressor, are best friends with a sufferer, are the son or daughter of a borderline, or live next to an egotist, this book can empower you. If you understand these controlling personalities, you will then be able to set healthier boundaries that will help you resist their control.
Please remember that only you control you. Regardless of what others say, what others think, or what they may do to influence you, you have choices. You can become stronger, and by doing so, you will learn to relate with crazy-makers in a healthier way.