O, it is excellent
To have a giant’s strength,
but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Measure for Measure
My friend Kenny is a superb fisherman. He lives, breathes, and eats fishing. He has all the latest fishing gear—but not the kind you purchase at chain stores. Kenny buys from a crotchety old man with a specialty shop and an unlisted phone number. The old man caters only to serious sportsmen.
Outfitted with his spendy gear, Kenny boards his deep-hulled, jet-powered Alumaweld, ready for a day on the Columbia River, home to some of the best salmon fishing in the country. He has spent the winter fine-tuning his gear. Now, in early spring, he is prepared. Kenny has also invested in the latest electronic gadgetry. He is confident about being able to navigate the Columbia bar, where the bones of dozens of ships lie.
With his electronic equipment, deep-hulled boat, and fancy fishing gear, he is not only able to find the fish, he is able to hook them and bring them in. I know—each year, he brings me savory filets of salmon.
Kenny is determined. He is focused. He is the consummate fisherman. He will use whatever he needs, spend whatever he must, to catch the big fish.
In much the same way, crazy-makers use a variety of lures to gain your attention and pull you in. You already know that crazy-makers come in different varieties and use a wide range of mechanisms to hook you. Their motive is to ensnare you and to manipulate you into agreeing with their game plan.
We learned in the last chapter that many crazy-makers want one thing—control—and depending on their personality type and their abilities, they often get it.
As you meander through life, be aware that crazy-makers are out there with big, juicy hooks, ready to make you their latest catch. You know how easily you can get hooked by crazy-makers. You know how often you encounter a control freak, sufferer, or aggressor who is ready to drain the energy from you.
I am reminded of a client I worked with who came to see me because of his legal and emotional problems. Chuck didn’t want to see me, and I was not all that keen on working with him. But seeing court-mandated clients is my job. That’s often how crazy-makers enter our lives—by obligation. The stage was set.
I received the referral from state social workers. Chuck, a 30-year-old single dad, was employed as a saw filer at a local mill. The referral said he had struck his adolescent son several times out of anger. His son was subsequently removed from his care. Chuck was required to attend counseling and enter a drug and alcohol treatment program if he wanted a chance to have his son returned to his care. He was not happy about doing either.
I prepared myself for dealing with an angry man—and I was not disappointed. Chuck was not only angry, he was also a bona fide crazy-maker—an aggressor—with a dose of alcoholism thrown in. When I reviewed with him the reason for seeing me, his words shot out like shells from a cannon.
“This is a bunch of bull!” Chuck shouted. “They take my kid and make me pay for classes I can’t afford. All the government wants is to get my money. I’ve never been to a shrink before, and I don’t need to see one now. They’re blowing this whole thing out of proportion.”
How was I going to work with a man who was both angry and irrational?
Chuck was an expert at throwing out accusations, shifting the blame, and attacking others. Even though I’d just met him, I was immediately thrown into the enemy camp. He created chaos so fast that I found myself backpedaling in attempt to hold him at bay. What was I going to focus on? How was I going to interest Chuck in making changes that he obviously didn’t want? I had my work cut out for me, both personally and professionally.
I could see the hook. Chuck’s strategy was to blame everyone else. I knew that my job would be difficult. But do you think I could stay away from the bait—the lure to try to change his rigid mind-set?
No. I wanted to defend my position, to get him to see that I was just one of many caring professionals in white hats who were dedicated to helping him. I yanked on that bait right away, and he reeled me in like a tuna in a feeding frenzy.
Yes, I took the bait—hook, line, and sinker, as they say. And before I knew, it I was arguing with Chuck.
“What do you mean?” I said in response to his accusations. “The state doesn’t want your money. They’re trying to protect your child.”
“I knew you’d be on their side,” Chuck said sarcastically. “You’re bought and paid for. You read the report. You know they didn’t need to take my kid. I slapped him because he mouthed off to me. Tell me you wouldn’t do the same thing.”
“I wouldn’t do the same thing, Chuck,” I said, trying hard to control my temper. “There are better ways to discipline kids than by slapping them.”
“He was mouthing off to me,” Chuck said. “I barely touched him. What I did was just enough to get his attention.”
“Really?” I said. “That’s not what I saw when I looked at some pictures. You left bruises on his face.”
“Those pictures make it look a lot worse than it was.”
Our conversation was going nowhere. I was getting more frustrated by the second. Chuck had me dancing—flailing on the hook, rather than avoiding it.
I had seen the hook. I had prepared for the hook. But skilled crazy-makers can reel in the best of us.
Have you ever felt as if you took the bait even after you saw it coming? One of the objectives of this book is to change that. We’re going to learn specific strategies that will help us avoid getting hooked. We’re going to become aware of how different types of crazy-makers use a variety of lures to hook us. With practice and knowledge, we can resist those lures and maintain our sanity.
Possibly the least liked in our choir of five crazy-makers, the aggressor has the distinction of using anger as a primary weapon. Remember the schoolyard bully? The aggressor is the bully who never grew up. Aggressors are most likely to intimidate, threaten, and throw temper tantrums to get you to go along with their schemes. Albert Bernstein, in his delightful book Emotional Vampires, offers this explanation:
There are few experiences more emotionally draining than being yelled at. If you’ve met a vampire Bully, you know. Like the rest of the Antisocial types, Bullies are hooked on excitement. Rage transports them into a simple and bloody alternate reality in which only the strong survive. In their own minds, they are the strong. In reality, their anger may be the source of their strength, but it’s also their greatest weakness. Vampire Bullies like power, but they don’t understand it…Bullies are more in touch with their animal nature than most people. They use their primitive power to manipulate the animal in you.1
Is that how I got hooked? Was Chuck using his vampire bully to get the upper hand with me? Bernstein says bullies, or aggressors, use the primitive part of their brains more than the rest of us. Chuck was using his aggression to instill fear in me. But there’s more. When your eyes start to circle in the back of your head and you can’t put together a coherent thought, there’s a reason.
Bully hypnosis is crude, but effective. Bullies just attack and let your own nervous system do the rest. A Bully assault can bypass the rational part of your brain and set you down in a prehistoric alternate reality where there are only three choices: fight back, run away, or stand still and be eaten. It’s the perfect bind; no matter which one you choose, you lose. The newer, smarter parts of your brain may realize what’s happening, but they’re so awash in chemicals and primitive impulses that they can do nothing but watch in horror as the grim drama unfolds.2
I was partially paralyzed in my encounter with Chuck—a common reaction to the bully is to be frozen. We can see what is happening, but because we are afraid, we are not able to utilize our mature faculties to counter the attack. We are hypnotized by the aggressor’s brutish actions. Aggressors may not have to do much to maintain control except to snarl occasionally. They have discovered that anger brings them power. Once people cower in the face of their power or sink to the aggressor’s level, the whole cycle is reinforced. They are able to remain angry and use it to their advantage—because they can.
I jousted with Chuck, even as I felt the hook sink deeper into my flesh. Trapped by circumstances of his own making, Chuck refused to take responsibility for his actions. The result was a hostile, vindictive man who enjoyed backing other people into corners. I was his target, and he didn’t hesitate to tell me that I was part of the group that had stolen his son. The feel-good psychologist in me wanted to change his mind; the human in me was paralyzed by fear and wanted to turn and run; the macho-man in me wanted to fight.
Part of me definitely wanted to let him have it. But that reaction would only plant the hook deeper because by doing so, I would be playing the game on his terms. I wanted to hand him back the hook. But how? Here were my choices:
Ignore the hook. Your mother may have told you that if you ignore bullies they will go away. Sadly, this rarely works. Bullies are already privy to these weak tactics and are seldom daunted. We are also often forced to interact with these people because of our job, our lifestyle, or our marriage. Like it or not, they are a part of our lives. Walking away may not always be an option, but if it is, consider it.
Notice the hook. We cannot help but be snagged by something that has sharp barbs. The Scriptures implore us to be watchful of dangers, or we are more likely to fall into temptation. We must keep our eyes open and be aware of these hooks.
Being mindful of this crazy-making process is a powerful antidote to getting hooked. Did Chuck’s actions remind you of frightening times in your life? Bullies often trigger latent reactions, perhaps as far back as the schoolyard, when we were taunted and teased. Reminding ourselves that was then and this is now is a critical first step.
Watch the hook. Clearly, noticing the hook is not enough. It was not enough for me, and I’m a trained professional! Even seeing Chuck’s blatantly aggressive stance did not stop me from biting down hard, swallowing, and then flailing about like a snared trout. He was in control, and I hated it.
We must not only notice the hook but watch what the fisherman does with it. Manipulation of the hook is what separates novice aggressors from the experts—and crazy-makers like Chuck are experts! They are like the bullies of childhood who taunt you, poke at you, say mean things, and prod you until you are ready to lash out at them.
Let the hook float by. The most effective way to deal with a bully is not to duke it out on the playground. Victory is gained in the battleground of the mind. This is where you can win the war. Stay in your logical brain, breathe, and detach from the primitive reaction that wants to spit, kick, and call names. Stay in control of the situation. Notice how angry you are. Recognize that you would like to lash out. These are all tools that will allow you to remove yourself from the madness so that you will be able to calmly watch the hook float by.
Remember that bullies don’t like their anger any more than you do. Oh yes, they use their anger to get what they want. But they are not as happy about it as you might think.
Bullies are fighting to achieve an altered state of consciousness, rather than to get you to do anything in particular… The way to win is to do something unexpected that will jolt Bullies out of their familiar, primitive pattern and make them think about what’s going on. They hate that, because it spoils their high.3
Ask for time to think. Staying cool, using your mind, and remaining detached is very hard if the aggressor is coming at you fast and furious. You may need to ask for time to consider what is happening. You may have to step away from the situation to gain a more accurate perspective. You may have to raise your hand, gesturing, as you say, “Time out. I need to stop this conversation.” The aggressor won’t like this—it interrupts his manipulations—but it is healthier for you. If you don’t like all the hooks floating by, get out of the water!
Ask them to lower their voice and to speak more slowly. Remaining calm when someone else is agitated can be quite empowering. As you remain under control and ask them to lower their voice, you set the tempo of the encounter while managing your own inner anxiety at the same time. If the aggressor does not do as you ask, separate yourself from him immediately.
Never defend yourself. I thank John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame That Binds You, for enlightening me about “the shame bind.” Bradshaw explains how critical people can hook us into defending our position, thereby reinforcing the “bind.” When attacked, however, we seem genetically wired to offer umpteen reasons that explain why the attacker’s words are not true. Does that stop them from bombarding us with yet another attack? No. In fact, the result is quite the opposite.
This technique is potent for dealing with any form of criticism or attack. It is actually something you don’t do, as opposed to something you do. Standing and listening to the aggressor will bring about greater benefits than defending yourself. Here’s how you can achieve this:
First, agree with them. Yes, you heard me right. Agree with them, or at least agree partially. I’m sure you’re wondering what I mean, so let’s go back to Chuck and me. As he ranted and raved about the state overreacting to his situation, I said, “You know, Chuck, I can hear how upset you are about someone taking your son away. It must feel like people are acting inappropriately by stepping into your business and taking your child. It must feel like meddling to you. I suspect I’d feel the same way.”
“Like I said, I’ll bet you’d react the same way in my situation,” he replied.
“Maybe not exactly the same way, but I’d sure be upset. I’d probably feel like fighting anyone who stood between me and my sons, even if I knew that wasn’t the best thing to do.”
Did I give up any ground by taking this approach? No. Did I lie to him or tell him something that was not the truth? No. I simply empathized with him and let him know that I understood some of what he was feeling. After I agreed, at least in principle, with his plight, Chuck slowly calmed down. When others escalate, our response should be to de-escalate. When they use their primitive brains, we must use our advanced brains. When they spit and kick, we need to calmly tell them we won’t talk to them while they’re having a temper tantrum.
Second, remember that fighting off hooks is never easy business. Whatever you do, don’t hold your breath and wait for hook-shaking to get easy. It has never happened that way for me. It takes concentration, understanding, and practice.
As you practice these techniques you can expect to become more proficient at avoiding the hook. However, with so many aggressors in our lives, we must recognize that this will be an ongoing battle.
If you’ve been hooked by the aggressor, you’ve probably been hooked by the egotist as well—they’re cousins and often hang out together. Don’t be fooled, however. Just because they know each other does not mean that they’re friends. They pick fights with one another as often as they pick fights with you.
Let’s review what we know about egotists—commonly known as narcissists or self-centered jerks. Here are a few of their traits:
• They believe the world revolves around them.
• They’re so caught up in their world that they forget about yours.
• Consequently, they forget others’ birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions.
• They show off.
• They brag and exaggerate shamelessly.
• They lack empathy or understanding for others.
• They crave your adulation.
• Under the right circumstances, they can accomplish great things and can even be great leaders.
Remember that egotism and self-esteem are not the same. In fact, egotists often experience flagging self-esteem. They feel a sense of discomfort that compels them to accomplish more, talk more, and strive to be more. Bernstein refers to egotists as narcissists.
Narcissists evoke mixed feelings. We love their accomplishments, but hate their conceit. We deplore the way they ignore our needs, yet unconsciously we respond to the infants inside them that need us so much. And we need them. Without narcissists, who would lead us? Or who, for that matter, would think themselves wise enough to say where leadership ends and narcissism begins?4
The Scriptures tell us, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you” (Romans 12:3). But egotists never heed this advice.
Because of that thing called denial, egotists presume this Scripture has nothing to do with them. And their denial is one of the primary ways they hook us. They have no idea how grandiose, how preposterous, they are at times. Because of their lack of empathy, their lack of rapport, they cannot see how hurtful they are to others. In fact, their actions seem normal to them. Egotists commonly barge ahead, trampling feelings along the way without their awareness.
Another major mechanism egotists use to hook us is entitlement. The easiest way to understand this concept is to think about adolescents. I just finished raising two sons, so this is familiar territory for me.
Joshua and Tyson, now 25 and 27, respectively, would come home from school, drop their coats and books on the floor, head straight for the refrigerator, and pull out anything they could put in a sandwich. After making their sandwiches, they left their mustard and mayonnaise jars on the counter, presuming that the fairy maid would swoop down and clean up after them. After all, they’d gone to school that day. They were entitled to eat whatever they wanted with no obligation to clean up after themselves. And heaven forbid that they would express gratitude for their many blessings in life!
Not surprisingly, their behavior didn’t sit well with me. When I asked them to clean up their mess, they would become irritated and promise to clean up later, which of course never arrived. Why? You know the answer—because they were entitled. Privileged. Important. Above the trivial matters of life.
The real problem here was not that they simply felt entitled. It was that I didn’t believe they were entitled, thereby causing friction, tension, and some pretty ugly squabbles. Thankfully, years later, they grew out of this phase that is so common to adolescence. They matured through life experiences and the movement of God in their lives. Keep in mind, however, that not everyone grows out of it. Not everyone is willing to let God change his or her character.
You may work with, socialize with, or live with people who have not grown out of this immature phase of development. They do not know the meaning of reciprocity—the idea that if you do something nice for me, I will do something nice for you, which is the very basis for creating a balanced relationship. They still believe they shouldn’t have to wait in line, shouldn’t have to pay full price, shouldn’t ever get stuck in a traffic jam, shouldn’t be criticized, and shouldn’t have to pick up after themselves. This is the myopic life of the entitled egotist.
Exactly how do they hook you? The entitled egotist needs someone willing to put up with their antics. The most powerful hook for egotists is their tendency to find people who are weaker. People who doubt themselves are attracted to those who have an air of certainty. These people with large doses of charm and charisma are able to make us feel like the second most important individuals in the world. For some of us, this feels pretty good.
Take a moment and picture the biggest egotist you know. Maybe it’s the shrewd businessman in your networking group. Maybe it’s your child’s teacher or perhaps even your pastor. Now, consider the personality of egotists’ mates, who are usually far more passive than the egotists. They are more docile, less dominant, and willing to shower the egotists with the admiration they crave. In return, they secretly enjoy some of the benefits of the heralded and hated egotist. By association, they are also the center of attention.
Amazingly, a salmon can, in a blur of its head and fins, “throw a hook.” Seemingly caught and ready for the grill, the great fighting fish can maneuver its body so the hook is released from its mouth and it is free once again.
Because egotists are so powerful, so convincing, throwing their hook is difficult. Doing so requires a great deal of moxie.
Remember, egotists like to be with people who are mesmerized by their leadership. They thrive on the dominant-passive relationship, regardless of how much they deny it. Egotists seek weaker people who are disconnected from themselves. Patricia Evans, author of Controlling People, describes those who are most easily caught by the egotist.
Having learned to deny their own wisdom and having taken in other people’s definitions of them, without even realizing it, those who are disconnected from themselves construct an identity not grounded in experience but constructed out of, or in reaction to, other people’s ideas, expectations and values.5
Because egotists gain their power and influence from our mesmerized view of them, we must break the spell. We must end their manipulation. But how?
Notice the hook. Yep. There it is again—notice the egotists’ powerful presentation. Watch the smooth set-up, the deceptive delivery, and finally, the powerful pitch. Keep smiling as you see their need to be front and center. Giggle to yourself, if you’d like, at how juvenile they often are in their approach. They are so transparent, but they don’t even know it. Then imagine their next step.
I recall Jake from the business network party that Christie and I hosted. He moved around the room, mingling with the guests. He was not just mingling, however. He was strutting like a peacock, setting the stage, building rapport in his delivery, and finally, making his pitches. He was slipping people his business cards and expecting them to be as grateful as if he were passing out Starbucks coffee cards.
Stop fishing. Get out of the river. You can’t get hooked if you’re not in the water. Practically speaking, you can’t get hooked if you don’t need the bait. You need to define your own identity from the inside out rather than letting the egotist tell you what you are thinking, feeling, and wanting. You must spend time prayerfully deciding what is most important in your life. By doing so, you actively create a new self that knows its own identity.
I am working with a 50-year-old woman named Sandy, a charming person with a quick wit. Divorced twice, both times from egotists, she has struggled to rebuild her identity. Since her painful divorces, however, Sandy has gone back to college to finish her degree. She now teaches third grade and has a group of friends with whom she travels in the summers. She sings in her church’s choir and has resumed piano lessons after a 20-year hiatus. She is considering dating again.
Sandy is frightened about dating because she fears she might again be attracted to egotists. “I wonder,” she says, “if I have learned anything. I know myself a lot better, and know I don’t want someone to tell me how to dress, what to think, and what I need to do to be the perfect wife. I want someone who will honor me for who I am.”
I applaud the work Sandy has done in her life. I point out the changes she has made and help her see how different she is now from the days when she could be defined, manipulated, and controlled by egotists. Sandy is well on her way to defining and placing a higher value on herself. She is creating a wonderful opportunity to date in a healthy way and find a man willing to love her. Her fears have not vanished—she has to practice discovering that she can attract healthier men.
Call it a worm. Egotists have a way of luring us into accepting their stories and buying their stuff, even when we don’t want it. It’s okay to smile and acknowledge the value of their bait. We might go along with their charismatic position and nod our heads in agreement, even if we don’t agree.
But it’s time to call a worm a worm. It’s not filet mignon. It’s not roast duck. It’s just a worm. Jake’s business card was just that, a business card—not a gift from the gods. Call it what it is. Practice, one small step at a time, disagreeing with egotists and speaking your truth. It’s okay to tell egotists you don’t want what they’re selling. You won’t melt into a big blob on the floor.
When I think of a charismatic, egotistical, snake-oil salesman with a really big hook, one comes to mind—Satan. Consider his setup, delivery, and ultimate pitch to Jesus—the One who shows us how to resist.
“Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread’” (Matthew 4:1-3). Satan is very clever and tries to prey upon Jesus’ vulnerability from hunger. Jesus, however, is firm and unswerving and refuses to fall for his ploy. But the slick salesman tries again.
“Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. ‘If you are the Son of God,’ he said, ‘throw yourself down.’” Satan tempts Jesus to gain public attention through spectacle rather than through His righteous life, but again Jesus resists this temptation. He knows who He is. He is clear about His purpose and mission. He is sure about His identity.
Satan takes Jesus to a mountaintop and shows Him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give to you if you bow down and worship me.” The smooth operator offers Jesus the world, but Jesus is not hooked by this bait. He rebukes Satan and resists his temptations.
A review of this encounter shows Satan throwing out his best lures to Jesus. He is resourceful and manipulative, even to the point of quoting Scripture. He tempts Jesus at a time, and in a particular way, where the bait may have tasted quite good. But the Son of God is victorious.
Jesus is our ultimate example of assuredness. Though lured by temptations of immediate gratification, power, and adulation, He resists. We see through Jesus’ encounter with Satan that we can deal courageously with egotists. Certain of our identity, knowing that we have the power of Christ within, we can stand firm, not only against the aggressors and egotists of this world, but against Satan himself.
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you” (James 4:7-8).
This is truly the way.