If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom?
KAHLIL GIBRAN
My wife, Christie, worked in her grandfather’s sports shop as a little girl. Kitsap Sports Shop, in downtown Bremerton, Washington, was a second home to avid fishermen, all looking for the latest lure that would help them reel in the next trophy fish.
Christie fondly recalls her grandfather, “Pops” Ray Stayner, opening a can of salmon eggs and pouring in anise extract. As if the salmon eggs were not enough to lure the fish, he found that this secret recipe enhanced the attraction of the bait. It also smelled up the store to high heaven.
She remembers the display cases of bright-colored spinners, lures, spoons, and rubber frogs and worms. There were all sizes of hooks, barbed and unbarbed, bobbers and sinkers, multicolored threads, and hand-tied flies—from dragonflies to mosquitoes.
Her attraction to lures and to fishing didn’t end with childhood. She developed a fascination that led her to collect old lures, fishing creels, and antique tackle boxes.
Lures and temptation have been part of our existence since the beginning of time. Consider the incident in the Garden of Eden. You recall that Adam and Eve were in their beautiful garden, which was filled with every possible delight. But they were forbidden to eat from one tree, and this tree contained something that appeared delicious and would reel them in.
We can imagine Adam and Eve sauntering through the garden, noticing a tempting tree loaded with ripe fruit. Though they knew this tree was off limits, Satan whispered that this fruit would make them like God—and who wouldn’t want that? You know the rest of the story. Satan’s temptation was the perfect complement for their desire, and they were hooked.
Crazy-makers use lures and bait to hook us. Employing their wiles, which seem to come naturally, they are able to catch us in their net of crazy-making behaviors. Some of their tactics seem well thought-out, deliberate strategies to get us into their boat. Others appear simply to be part of their character patterns. Either way, we often end up feeling paralyzed, stymied, befuddled, and crazy.
Having explored some of the ways we get hooked, in this chapter we will pay special attention to the thinking patterns of the members of the crazy-makers club. We will explore what experts have called “thinking errors” crazy-makers use, as well as why they might use them and their impact on us. We will learn how crazy-makers use these thinking styles to hook us, and examine how identifying these thinking styles can empower us to resist the bait.
In my counseling experience, I have found that most people are not aware of the thinking-error hooks crazy-makers use. Many people recognize that something is different about the way crazy-makers think, but they are unaware of exactly what it is.
The problem is that being unaware of these patterns leaves you vulnerable, unprepared to react in an effective and positive manner. Being caught off guard by these antics can leave you paralyzed, unable to fight off the inevitable temptations. By applying the strategies discussed in this book to your particular situation, you will be able to shine a light on the hook, taking away much of its power to lure you into trouble.
Let’s look at the broad array of “foul bait” crazy-makers use and the attraction this bait can wield. We’ll consider which crazy-maker uses which particular types of thinking errors and discover strategies for dealing with each of them.
Over-generalized statements are exaggerations. You’ve heard them many times:
• You never listen to me.
• You always want your own way.
• Everybody expects too much of me.
• You should be doing things differently.
Statements like these have incredibly powerful hooks attached to them. They are barbed and dangerous. Let’s consider why they are so hazardous and tempting.
Consider the power of an angry borderline’s statements to her defenseless husband.
“You never listen to me. Whenever I try to talk to you, you turn away from me. I’ve told my friends about it, and they think you’re neglecting me. You should be more loving, but you never are.”
If you don’t feel a bit confused after being subjected to an attack like that, you need to check your pulse. Imagine the husband’s reaction as he is pelted by one generalization after another. We can easily imagine him responding angrily to his mate, stomping out of the room in disgust, or shrinking away in silence.
Most members of our company of crazy-makers exaggerate. Although this is more common to the aggressor, sufferer, and borderline, egotists and control freaks are quite capable of using over-generalized thinking as well.
How can a husband possibly respond to this bait, which a wife has designed specifically to vent her frustration?
First, of course, we must recognize the fallacy in her thinking. Knowing this information arms us with the ability to distance ourselves from the attack and actually choose how to respond instead of simply reacting negatively. Choosing the best way to respond is critical when faced with a powerful attack.
If we react, we’re hooked. If we defend ourselves, we’re hooked. So what are our options?
Over-generalized thinking is twisted, distorted, and terribly unfair. The best response is to simply acknowledge that you hear the person and sense her concern. As you have learned, if you try to defend yourself on each and every count, you’ll be hopelessly hooked. Why? Because the accusations are vague, over-generalized, and quite possibly unfounded. To dive into them will leave you floundering on the sharp end of a hook.
Insisting that over-generalizers provide specific concerns can also be helpful. Tell them, “Please don’t make generalizations. Tell me specifically what you need different from me.” Make simple, powerful requests. This gets you unhooked because you are no longer buying everything they are saying about you and are putting the responsibility back on their shoulders.
Assumptions are another type of foul-smelling bait and often make us cringe with frustration. When people assume, they presume something is going to happen even though they have not laid out a clear argument that justifies it.
One of my patients, a sufferer, told me recently that she expected her husband to know that she wanted more time with him in the evenings. When I asked her if she had made these expectations clear, she looked surprised.
“Why should I have to tell him? He should know I need attention. We’ve been married ten years, but nothing’s changed. I needed attention when we met, and I need it now. I assume he knows me well enough to figure it out on his own.”
“How does he know exactly what kind of attention you want?”
“It shouldn’t be that tough. He knows the way I’m wired, and he should be smart enough to respond accordingly.”
“But I still don’t understand how he’s supposed to know exactly what you need.”
“Like I told you, I shouldn’t have to tell him things over and over. He knows what I need. He’s just being stubborn and ignoring me.”
Consider the assumptions that guide this woman’s life and what she has to say to us.
• People should know exactly what I need. That’s all there is to it.
• If they don’t know what I need, they’re just being stubborn.
• I am very important, and people should be dedicated to understanding and meeting my needs.
• If people don’t recognize and fulfill my needs, they don’t care about me.
These are the words and thinking patterns of a woman whose life is not working. She rarely gets her needs met because she doesn’t make them clear to others. She doesn’t think she should have to even though her current way of thinking does not work; in fact, it has never produced positive results.
The bait, and the accompanying hook in this case, is that we typically find out—through the crazy-makers’ anger and exasperation—that we have failed them. Not wanting to do anything less than our best for a person we love, we try to read their minds. Of course, this is futile. We eventually give up, and then we are punished for doing so.
What to do?
Insist gently that assumers make their needs and expectations known. Repeat as often as necessary, “I can’t read your mind. You’ll have to tell me what you expect. Please don’t assume something without checking it out with me. I want to make sure I understand.”
Will assumers automatically give up their lifelong pattern of being passive-aggressive? Perhaps not immediately, but if their thinking and behavior pattern no longer hooks you, they just might try something more effective.
You may be acquainted with mind reading. Here is an exchange I had with an aggressor who came with his wife to see me for marriage counseling.
Karl and Janice have been married for 25 years, none of them very happy. Karl, who is the manager of an auto parts supply store, reluctantly agreed to come to counseling with Janice. He came only because Janice was tired of his angry outbursts.
In the initial interview, I asked both why they had come for counseling. Janice offered her side of the story.
“I’m tired of Karl’s temper. The least little thing sets him off, and I never know how he’s going to react. If I leave the television on when I leave the house, he gives me a lecture. If I forget to put something back in the fridge, he’ll stomp and mutter. I’ve had enough.”
I turned to Karl and waited for his response.
“She deliberately tries to make me mad,” he said. “She could turn off the TV, but she’s too lazy. She doesn’t think about my feelings. It’s ironic because she’s selfish, but she claims that I’m the selfish one. If I give her a lecture now and then, it’s because she deserves it.”
“Are you sure about those things, Karl? It seems like you’re trying to read her mind. I think it would be better if you checked things out with her.”
“I know how she thinks,” he said emphatically. “I’ve lived with her for more than twenty years.”
“Well,” I said, “you may believe you know what she’s thinking. But you don’t really. It will relieve a lot of tension in your relationship if you made it clear that these are your perceptions and opinions, not hers.”
“I can tell you what she’s thinking,” he insisted. “I know her.”
Karl’s mind reading can easily hook Janice if she isn’t careful. She will need to repeatedly inform her husband that she does not want him to tell her what she is thinking. She might say something like this:
“Karl, please don’t tell me what I’m thinking or imply that you know why I do things. And I would especially appreciate it if you didn’t suggest that I have negative motives for my actions.”
Janice will need to practice setting these boundaries with Karl. He may learn the first time, but he will more likely take time to discontinue his destructive habits.
One of the control freak’s favorite thinking errors is black-and-white, either-or thinking. Either he is for you, or he is against you. Either she agrees with you, or she doesn’t. There is no middle ground. The control freak loves to pin you into a corner, making you feel confused and crazy.
Cary, 63, is married to Tamara. They are strong Christians and have been married nearly 20 years. This is the second marriage for both. Tamara initiated counseling following a particularly challenging weekend during which Cary, according to Tamara, had been belligerent and intimidating.
“Tell me what happened,” I said at our first session.
Cary didn’t hesitate.
“She went out for lunch with one of her friends after we agreed we were going to spend the time together. It’s not the first time she has broken a promise to spend time with me. I’m tired of it.”
“That’s not the way it is at all,” Tamara said. “He paints things to be one way, when they really aren’t that way at all. I’m not a promise breaker, for heaven’s sake. Cary is being ridiculous.”
“How can you say that?” Cary said. “Did we have an agreement, or didn’t we? Were we going to go out for dinner, or weren’t we? Did you spend two hours with your friend, or didn’t you?”
“This was an unusual situation, and you know it. Nancy called me because she was having trouble with her daughter, and I wasn’t going to abandon her. And besides, I didn’t cancel. I called and left a message with you that I’d be an hour late. Why is that such a big deal?”
Obviously not soothed, Cary launched into another tirade.
“The big deal is that you broke your promise. It happens all the time. In my book, people either keep the promises they make, or they don’t. It’s that simple.”
Tamara looked to me for help. “Do you see how it is with him?” she said. “I just wanted to help my friend. I left a message with him, but that isn’t good enough. If I mess up even a little, I feel like a kid being lectured in the principal’s office. I’m not sure I can live like this.”
“When you’ve argued about this type of thing in the past, have you been able to come up with solutions that work for you?” I asked.
“The solutions work fine,” Tamara said, “as long as they’re his solutions. As long as I always remember to report in to him where I’m going, who I’m with, and exactly when I’ll be home. I used to go along with everything Cary said, but I’m changing now, and he doesn’t like it. I love Cary, and I want to work things out. But I’m sick of having him dictate everything.”
“She’s becoming very rebellious,” Cary said. “She is no longer a godly, submissive wife. Tamara has lost the meaning of submission, and that means she’s not a good Christian as far as I’m concerned.”
“I don’t think the issue here is keeping promises,” I said. “Your wife seems like a very sensitive person who makes obvious efforts to please you while also trying to be a good friend. I don’t think that’s enough to label her a promise breaker.”
“It is in my book,” he said. “And the Bible is the only book that matters.”
I continued to work with Cary and Tamara for several months. We made very little progress. Cary was a control freak and liberally employed thinking errors in his attempt to control Tamara.
Tamara made progress not defending herself to Cary and expressing her opinion in spite of his opposition. I wish I could tell you they resolved all their issues and are living happily ever after, but that’s not the case. As of this writing Cary and Tamara are separated and are considering what to do about their future. They are talking about how to be considerate with one another while not losing their individuality in the process.
Egotists often use minimization to reduce problems they may have or their culpability. The egotist loves to make molehills out of mountains, and when mountains of problems are present, this tendency can drive a mate crazy.
I recall a couple who came to see me several years ago. The situation was unusual because Darrin was quite willing to come in for counseling. Part of the reason was that he did not think counseling would require any change on his part.
In typical egotist fashion, Darrin initially expressed disinterest when his wife, Debra, suggested they needed counseling. He informed me during their first and only session that he saw no need for counseling. “But if it makes her happy, why not?” he said.
Darrin came to the session with a cocky attitude. Debra was friendly and did her best to express her concerns.
“My life has been very unpredictable in the past few years,” she said. “Once or twice a week Darrin stays out late playing poker at the casino, and I don’t see him until the next morning. It’s not so much the time away that I resent. It’s the hundreds of dollars he loses that we can’t afford.”
“I don’t think it’s hundreds,” Darrin said. “It’s usually more like twenty-five or so. She’s not counting the times I win. I know when to stop.”
Debra sighed. “Honey,” she said, “you don’t realize how much you lose. I know because I track what’s missing from our account. It’s more than you think.”
“Instead of talking about the amount that Darrin is losing,” I said, “let’s focus on the impact this is having on your marriage.”
“I don’t see any impact,” Darrin said. “I love Deb, and I don’t think the situation is that big of a deal. But if she wants me to cut back a little, hey, I can work with that.”
“But you’ve said that before,” Debra said. “That’s why we’re here now. What we’ve been doing isn’t working.”
I met with Darrin and Debra only that one time. I suspect Darrin would have been willing to come back. With his cavalier attitude, he may have thought he’d counsel me before the whole thing was over.
Perhaps for a variety of reasons, Debra caved in to Darrin. When I suggested to both Darrin and Debra that their problems were serious and needing significant intervention, both became noticeably agitated. I wasn’t shocked to see Darrin become concerned, but I was surprised when Debra began to rationalize his behavior.
Minimization, in their case, would undoubtedly create even more trouble for them in the days and months ahead. But neither appeared to be willing to make the necessary changes to free themselves from the chaos of Darrin’s gambling addiction.
What should you do if you are in a relationship with a minimizer? Minimization is a form of denial, so minimizers may or may not realize what they are doing. The most important thing is to refrain from buying into their minimization, which is what Debra did initially.
You must be clear about the truth and hold to it, even if the minimizer never acknowledges his thinking error. “That is not the way I see it. I believe…and I’d like you to….”
Repeat as needed.
Sufferers seem to take pleasure in reminding people of how they have been wronged. They seem to hold on tenaciously to grievances. All of us, at one time or another, have held a grudge for far too long. We have nursed our bad feelings toward someone, letting too much time pass before moving forward in the relationship. Sufferers, however, are even more capable of clinging to the past than the rest of us. They not only remember past hurts, they remind you of them constantly.
Unforgiveness in a relationship is like a cancer out of control. It is bitterness turned against another again and again. To be the recipient of unforgiveness is to endure an agonizing form of crazy-making. People who hold grudges are holding you hostage. You cannot do anything to make them forget the alleged wrong you have done to them. Sufferers occupy a very powerful position if you allow yourself to be held hostage.
This is where you can take the power back from the grudge holder. Although not an easy task, it is possible. You can, with practice, learn to say to the grudge holder, “I’d like you to stop bringing up my mistakes. If you continue to punish me with my past, I won’t be able to spend time with you.” Drastic measures for drastic conditions. Separating yourself from a friend is easier than from a spouse, but the same counsel applies. Let your mate know you will not keep answering the same old questions and will refuse to spend time discussing well-worn topics.
The Scriptures are replete with examples of our need to forgive others. The parable of the unmerciful servant is particularly poignant because it instructs us about the imperative of forgiveness.
In Matthew 18:21-35, we read about the king who had forgiven the debt of a servant who couldn’t have repaid it in a hundred lifetimes. The king forgave simply because he was asked to. The ungrateful servant, on the other hand, turned around and demanded full and immediate payment from a friend who had borrowed a much, much smaller sum.
We would expect the servant who had been forgiven so much to release his friend from the smaller debt. The servant’s demand for payment demonstrated his lack of gratitude for what the king had done for him, and that’s what aroused the king’s anger. As a result, the king ordered his servant punished until he repaid all he owed.
In this story the ungrateful servant is a class-A crazy-maker. He is not about to forgive a debt even though he has been forgiven much. How many crazy-makers demand payment from us, keeping us hooked into them with their unforgiveness? Because we need their forgiveness, we become hooked. We may be overly eager for their acceptance, tolerating their abuse when we need to stand firm and express our unhappiness with their behavior.
Most of us know the feeling of having a bony finger of blame pointed at us and how small it can make us feel.
“It’s your fault.” This is a powerful arrow, flung with precision by crazy-makers, particularly borderlines and aggressors. Randi Kreger, in her book Stop Walking on Eggshells, agrees:
Continual blame and criticism is another defense mechanism that some people with Borderline Personality Disorder, who act out, use as a survival tool. The fault-finding may be pure fantasy on the BP’s part or it can be an exaggeration of real-life problems.1
We can easily see how this kind of behavior can make others crazy. Being in a relationship with someone who constantly blames you for things you have done and for things you have not done is exasperating. The line between reality and fantasy blurs as you get hooked into trying to explain and defend yourself.
I often hear the following comments from people involved in relationships with borderlines:
• It’s all about you.
• I can’t win.
• I’m always to blame.
• You’re never at fault.
• I’m in a no-win situation.
• I can’t please you no matter how hard I try.
You can feel their frustration. They’re caught in a debilitating relationship with no easy way out. Because blamers refuse to take responsibility for their mistakes, they remain stuck in their dysfunctional behavior.
Borderlines may continue blaming, but you must remind yourself that their attacks are about them, not you. This is their way of dealing with their own inner pain and turmoil. Though never pleasant, their barbs need not hook you, provided you remain clear about that point.
You can also throw back the hook by saying, “I won’t accept blame for this. I did nothing wrong, and I’m not going to talk about it anymore.”
Will the crazy-maker stop blaming you? Maybe not right away, but you can make it clear that you will not participate in the blame game.
Being in a relationship with someone who refuses to take responsibility for her actions is unbearably frustrating. But just as tiresome is being in a relationship with someone, often a sufferer, who continually puts herself down.
Taking everything personally is an inverse form of narcissism. Think about it. The sufferer is saying, “It’s all about me. I’m the worst person alive. I’ve failed more than anyone else. No one will ever be able to forgive me because of the magnitude of my actions.”
Sufferers are usually thin-skinned and feel every slight that happens to them. A relational bump on the arm becomes an emotional compound fracture. The sufferer who overreacts to every incident has a huge pool of pain hidden inside that has never been healed.
If you are still getting hooked into trying to make the sufferer happy and guilt free, you’re in for a long haul. You must remember that she has an investment in being more insecure than others, more upset than others, more guilty than others, more easily wounded than others. This is her trademark, and she is not likely to relinquish it easily—certainly not as long as it gets her mileage.
Remember, she is choosing to blame and punish herself, and you should not spend your energy trying to talk her out of her feelings. It won’t work.
Everyone in our corral of crazy-makers uses the hook of uniqueness. All of them, in their unique way, find a way to be special, to be better than and different from others.
Aggressors feel entitled to everything. Why? Well, because they are special. They are above the law. They either don’t make mistakes like others, or more likely, they don’t feel they have to own up to or pay for their mistakes.
Egotists claim to know more than anyone else, with perhaps the exception of the control freak. Egotists see themselves as exceptional individuals. They are, as you remember, legends in their own minds. Because they are so very special and are entitled to anything and everything, they’ll overlook your needs as they demand center stage.
Sufferers are unique because life is more difficult for them than for others. They have more problems, more heartaches, and suffer far more than others. You’ll find that they require a lot of attention and energy. They are high maintenance—at least until you decide that you’re not going to keep paying the premiums required to keep them satisfied.
The borderline doesn’t necessarily think she is unique. Her life is so chaotic, irrational, and dysfunctional, however, that she demands more energy than a healthier individual. In many ways, the borderline really is unique, though this is certainly not a compliment.
Control freaks are unique because they believe they have a corner on the truth and are convinced that others should acknowledge their dogmatic way of doing things. Control freaks won’t admit they are special, but they will insist that they are right. This often leaves you grappling with two unpleasant options: acknowledging that they are right and admitting that you are wrong, or fighting to prove that they are not right. Neither approach will work.
How can we respond to people who demand to be treated uniquely?
Don’t fall for it!
Don’t give them preferential treatment. Don’t bow down to them, idolize them, or tiptoe around them. When people quit treating them as unique, they often are forced to give up their superior position.
Having worked with clients who are under a legal mandate to see me, I am familiar with people looking me straight in the eyes and telling me they haven’t used substances for the past six months. They may have failed their last four blood tests, but that somehow doesn’t matter. They still look at me and tell me someone must have made some kind of mistake.
“Those blood tests are unreliable,” they say. “You can’t trust them.”
You probably have your own version of this story. Perhaps you are married to a rage-aholic who conveniently forgets how angry he was last night. Maybe you are married to a woman who overspends, but when you confront her she insists she’s not spending as much as the checkbook seems to say!
All of these stories have one thing in common—denial.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt, as they say. It’s a pattern of failing to own up to the severity of the problem. It’s people lying to themselves so much, so often, that they believe what they are saying.
And denial is an unconscious process, as opposed to outright deception, which we discussed in the last chapter. It is an unconscious, ingrained pattern of avoiding the truth, and it can drive friends and family to drink.
What can we do for people who are caught red-handed and still insist they are not to blame? Not much, other than to point out the truth to them lovingly, firmly, and with conviction.
You must speak the truth in love and camp there. No browbeating, no yelling and screaming, no name-calling. Just the truth.
Our last thinking error hook is a particularly potent one. It is called “playing the victim,” and all of our crazy-makers use it, though sufferers and aggressors use it the most. Both find ways of twisting reality so that they appear to be getting a raw deal. The aggressor will be more aggressive as he acts out his inner rage, and the sufferer implodes with her anger. She makes others miserable by disregarding their boundaries and whining, “Poor me.”
Aggressors and sufferers are not true victims, of course. God has not singled them out to be treated more harshly than the rest of us. The aggressor is his own worst enemy, setting himself up to be rejected by others and to lose jobs, marriages, and money. The Sufferer sets herself up to be victimized because she is so draining. No one wants to listen to her complain. She could step up and make positive changes in her life, but she refuses to do so.
Those of us who are rescuers don’t want others to think or feel like a victim. So when they start in on their it’s-not-fair routine, we jump in when we should leave things alone. When they put a spin on things, we need to simply smile inwardly and know that they are trying to get us to acknowledge their painful plight and rescue them.
Don’t fall for it.
You may have heard of James Allen. He is a literary mystery man whose inspirational writings have influenced millions of people. Still, surprisingly, he remains virtually unknown.
Allen wrote 19 books during the nineteenth century but never gained fame or fortune. He barely made enough money from his books to cover expenses. He evidently rose at dawn, climbed the hills surrounding his humble home in England to commune with God, and then spent the balance of the morning writing. He spent his afternoons gardening and conversing with friends. The title from his second book, As a Man Thinketh, comes from Proverbs 23:7. The book includes this passage:
A man is literally what he thinks, his character being the complete sum of all his thoughts. As the plant springs from, and could not be without, the seed, so every act of man springs from the hidden seeds of thought, and could not have appeared without them…A noble character is not a thing of favor or chance, but is the natural result of continued effort in right thinking, the effect of long-cherished association with God-like thoughts.
Allen is considered one of the forerunners of modern-day psychology. He determined that if we think troubling and negative thoughts, we will have troubling behavior. If we change our thoughts, we can change our behavior.
Crazy-makers would do well to consider the importance of Allen’s work. Because they have distorted perceptions, crazy-makers also have distorted and twisted behaviors. Allen would certainly subscribe to the notion that if you live with thinking errors, such as those described in this chapter, you will experience significant problems in your life.
As a man thinks, so is he.
James Allen was obviously inspired by the wisdom of Solomon. Solomon’s words are later supported by the apostle Paul, who instructs us about our thinking:
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2).
Here is our hope for dealing with not only the thinking errors of crazy-makers but also the crazy-makers themselves. Each of us has the opportunity to renew our minds and then to test and approve God’s will for our lives. This is powerful stuff. Let’s take a closer look at the instruction given in this passage.
First, we are not to be conformed to the pattern of this world. What is the pattern of this world? In my counseling practice, I listen to a lot of self-centered, immature, grandiose thinking patterns. I see a lot of people demanding their own way and being insensitive to the needs of others. I hear a lot of distorted thinking that could be remedied by spiritual maturity. As Christians, we are to be set apart from these destructive thinking patterns. But how are we to do this when in our flesh we want our way?
Second, we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. There it is! The apostle Paul says that we are not to simply think differently, as important as that is, but to have renewed minds. That means that we must have new minds. The apostle Paul says it again in his letter to the Ephesians:
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24).
Paul has much to say about mind control and the devastation that occurs when we live according to desires of the flesh. He must have known something about crazy-makers.
Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace (Romans 8:5-6).
Paul’s words are incredibly hopeful. In the flesh, according to our natural desires, we will struggle against “the pattern of this world.” That means we will not only battle the thinking errors of crazy-makers but also possess some of those same traits ourselves. However, when we walk in the Spirit, our minds are transformed. We experience a metamorphosis.
Like the caterpillar turning into the butterfly, our minds change from the inside out. Instead of gritting our teeth and desperately trying to change, we experience change naturally when we submit to the Spirit of God. Don’t settle for a patch job. Seek instead a renewed mind. When you are tempted by the crazy-makers’ thinking patterns, offer your mind as a living sacrifice, available for renewal, holy and pleasing to God.
In our next chapter, the final chapter of this section on the ways we get hooked by crazy-makers, we will explore patterns of interaction that you can change to avoid being reeled in. A little knowledge equals a lot of constructive power!