He who does a good deed is instantly ennobled.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
“I’m not going to raise another child!” Sandi screamed as she jumped out of her chair and headed for my office door. When she reached the door she paused, turned around and put her hands on her hips. Her husband Tom and I sat motionless, wondering what was coming next.
“I am so tired of having to be the responsible one in this marriage,” she said. “You can decide what you want to do, but I am not playing this game any longer. I needed your help with the kids for twenty years and never got it. I need you to pick up after yourself. I need you to quit taking money out of the checking account without telling me. I need you to keep your promises. But you haven’t been able to do even one of those things, and now I’m done.”
Sandi slammed the door, rattling the window above my desk. We heard her footsteps as she stomped down the stairs.
I had been seeing Tom and Sandi only a few weeks but had already learned that responsibility, or rather a lack of responsibility, was a serious threat to their marriage. I knew Sandi had reached her limit with her responsibilities and desperately needed Tom to pick up the pace.
“I don’t know why she’s like that,” Tom said. “I hate being treated like a child.” He gripped his chair and scowled.
“I can see why it would bother you,” I said. “Sandi is very angry, that’s for sure. Let’s put our heads together and try to figure out how much of her anger belongs to you, and what part of it is hers. Okay?”
“All right. But I can’t see anyone getting that mad over a pair of work boots left out in the middle of the kitchen floor. It definitely wasn’t enough to justify that kind of explosion.”
“I don’t think Sandi is just angry about you leaving your work boots in the middle of the kitchen floor. As I recall, we’ve been talking about a number of issues like this one. Wasn’t she angry a few weeks ago when you didn’t pick the kids up from school like you promised? And before that, didn’t you refuse to help keep the house clean because you felt that working long hours at the mill ought to be enough?”
“Sandi is always mad about something. If it wasn’t my work boots, she’d be complaining about how much time I spend with the kids. And if not that, then about how I spend money. I can’t win, and I’m just as tired of it as she is.”
“You need to keep in mind that in each of these instances you made promises that you didn’t keep,” I said. “Each time, you apologized later for not holding up your end of the bargain and for your angry response when she called you on it.”
Tom looked up at me and seemed to soften.
“Maybe you guys are right,” he said. “I don’t know why I keep breaking promises, but I do. I guess I can see why she gets mad, but it still seems like an overreaction to me.”
Tom’s interaction with Sandi reminded me of my interaction with my father many years ago. My dad insisted I abide by the curfew we had agreed upon. Caught up in staying out with my friends, I pushed the limits repeatedly. And he got angry repeatedly. Our interactions went something like this:
“David, why do you keep coming in late when we’ve agreed on a set time?”
“It wasn’t a big deal. I just got caught up in what I was doing. Besides, I wasn’t that late. It won’t happen again.”
“You’ve told me that over and over. I can’t trust you anymore. I make agreements with you, and you break them.”
“There you go again,” I would say hotly. “You’re always accusing me of not being able to be trusted. I said that I won’t let it happen again. What more do you want from me?”
“We’ve had this talk time and again, but your behavior never changes. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
And so it would go. My father would scold me for my irresponsibility, and I would get angry with him for scolding me. It was a dysfunctional, crazy-making conversation with no apparent way out. Like Tom and Sandi, we were engaged in a power struggle over responsibility—another major issue with the crazy-maker.
We’ve talked about crazy-makers and the tactics they use to hook us. In the last few chapters, we discussed their tendency to use deception as a hook, as well as the thinking errors they employ to drive us batty. In this chapter, we will look through the lens of responsibility to examine how crazy-makers view the world and ultimately hook us.
Crazy-makers are often incredibly careless, and we are expected to pick up the pieces left in their wake. But when we do, we get hooked by becoming overly responsible. Fortunately, we can take steps to encourage responsibility in crazy-makers while making sure we don’t take their bait.
Scott Peck offers a helpful way of thinking about this issue. He says people come to see psychiatrists for two reasons: They are struggling with either a character disorder or neurosis.
These conditions are disorders of responsibility, and as such are opposite styles of relating to the world and its problems. The neurotic assumes too much responsibility; the person with the character disorder, not enough. When neurotics are in conflict with the world they automatically assume that they are at fault. When those with character disorders are in conflict with the world they automatically assume that the world is at fault.1
Peck was one of the first to put this information into language that lay people could understand. Listen to what he says about crazy-makers and the problems they have with responsibility.
Those with character disorders [most of our crazy-makers!] are much more difficult, if not impossible, to work with because they don’t see themselves as the source of their problems; they see the world, rather than themselves as being in need of change and therefore fail to recognize the necessity of self-examination.2
Peck goes on to explain that many people actually have a combination of neurotic and character disorders, some tending to take too much responsibility and some too little. Some live in guilt because they have assumed responsibility that is not really theirs. However, most of the crazy-makers we’ve examined in this book fail to take responsibility for their lives. The task, Peck says, is to engage people in examining and correcting their unwillingness to assume responsibility where appropriate.
Sandi was weary of confronting Tom about his negligence. Tom had glimmers of insight similar to the one he exhibited in my office, yet he repeatedly fell back into irresponsible behavior. He did so because he ultimately wanted to make the problem Sandi’s. If she, as he alleged, was simply too critical, why should he be expected to change?
If she was never going to be satisfied, as he insisted was the case, why even try? Why go through the painful efforts of self-examination and character adjustment if she was simply going to move the target? So Tom made changes very, very reluctantly, if at all.
My father confronted my irresponsibility by scolding and lecturing me, trying to get me to see the error of my ways. It did not work. In fact, his lecturing was not backed up with firmer action, so it only enabled my irresponsibility.
For years I was able to deceive and convince myself that he was simply an angry man who had it out for me. Playing the victim, I escaped responsibility—though ultimately this was not helpful to my character development. Seeing him as the bad guy, I rebelled and lived life on my own terms.
Not surprisingly, my adolescent years were very difficult. Not only was I enraged at my father, but I danced on the edge of trouble with the law as well, driving recklessly, narrowly escaping serious injury on two occasions. I allowed my grades to suffer and was perilously close to not graduating from high school because I chose to live life my way.
I viewed the world through my own selfish lens, often becoming angry when that world did not conform to my expectations. I saw my parents, the law, and authority figures in general as being out to get me. I was unwilling to admit that I was causing my own problems. The world according to David could easily have led to self-destruction.
Fortunately, perhaps more by God’s grace than my own doing, I ended up at Covenant Bible College in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, after graduating from high school. However, my behavior didn’t change. I again tested limits and assumed I didn’t have to be responsible. I failed classes and refused to take the dorm restrictions seriously. I was nineteen years old going on nine—and driving everyone around me crazy with my irresponsibility.
I believed rules were meant to be broken—at least until I ended up in the office of the president of the school. In a frank discussion with Reverend Anderson, I learned that either my misbehavior would cease or I would be expelled. He wanted me to succeed, but he had no qualms about sending me home. He and the school were committed to integrity and respect for the rules. The choice was mine.
This was an epiphany for me. My life was not working. I still dreamed of being the CEO and CFO of the world according to David, but I decided the time had come to call for assistance. My business was failing. Angry, sullen, and distraught, I finally chose to look in the mirror. Enough blaming others in an attempt to escape responsibility.
The thought of being expelled from school and returning home in disgrace did not appeal to me. At long last, I began the process of taking responsibility for my behavior and my life. This was the beginning of a wonderful healing experience with my parents, especially my dad.
It is one thing to implode, as I was doing during my adolescence and early adulthood. We can destroy our own lives and get away with it because we hurt mainly ourselves. Unfortunately, irresponsibility usually results in the destruction of others’ lives as well.
Reverend Anderson told me clearly and dispassionately that I was free to ruin my life. However, I would not be allowed to stay on his campus and taint the reputation of the school. My father should have said the same thing to me earlier—I was free to disregard the rules of my own life but not those that affected the family.
Our group of crazy-makers has responsibility disorders that impact others. They are generally unwilling to do the hard work of facing their issues and determining what things they are and are not responsible for. They do not, without significant intervention, have the capacity or willingness to suffer self-examination, reviewing where they fail to take responsibility. They are more content to take the easy path of blaming others, minimizing their own actions, and denying culpability.
Consider Sandi’s life. She stormed out of our session because she was tired of raising another child. What she learned to say to Tom over the following weeks in counseling was this: “Tom, you are free to disregard things that affect only your life. But when you repeatedly create problems for me and our children, that’s where I draw the line.”
Crazy-makers who avoid responsibility ultimately have a problem with respecting others. They live selfish lives, focused on pleasing themselves in spite of the effect on those around them. In addition, crazy-makers are unaware that disrespect works both ways. When we recognize crazy-makers’ hooks, we lose respect for them.
Gerald May refers to this in his bestselling book Addiction and Grace:
We are part of larger systems whether we want to be or not, and if our journey is consecrated we must recognize our responsibility for participating in the lovingness of those systems. At its simplest level, responsibility means respecting ourselves and those around us. In the nature of systems, all our addictive behaviors affect other people. Some behaviors really hurt others. We have a responsibility to try to identify and restrain those behaviors. In practical terms, we must listen to what other people are telling us, notice what effects we are having on them, and be willing to change.3
May’s words are worthy of closer scrutiny. Keeping our group of crazy-makers in mind, consider how they fare at these tasks.
Respect ourselves and those around us. Certainly we agree that the aggressor does not respect himself or others when he blows up and resorts to intimidating those who disagree with him. To take advantage of others, to manipulate them for personal gain, is disrespectful.
Identify and restrain irresponsible behaviors. To fail to identify and eliminate troubling behaviors is disrespectful. For the borderline to rage, to demand things go her way, and to twist the truth to make herself appear virtuous are all disrespectful.
Listen to what others are telling us. When egotists act pompous and self-righteous, insisting that their way of doing things is the only way, when they are so caught up in their own agendas that they simply refuse to listen to your point of view, they are being disrespectful.
Notice the effect our behavior has on others. When sufferers won’t stop to notice the impact of their whining about how wronged they have been, when they fail to acknowledge the harm caused by their attempts to triangulate and hook you with their emotions, they are being disrespectful.
Be willing to change. Control freaks resist change. Regardless of how often you confront them, they seem to persist with their point of view. When control freaks insist on having their way, you are diminished and made to feel smaller. This is disrespectful.
Labeling the crazy-makers’ hooks as troubling is one thing; labeling them as irresponsible and disrespectful can be empowering. When I recognize my patterns of deception and self-centeredness as irresponsible, I squirm with discomfort. When I admit that my actions are disrespectful, I want to crawl under a rock.
When I was growing up, I thought my actions affected only me—very short-sighted thinking on my part. By identifying my behavior as disrespectful, I admitted that I was treating my family with disrespect. This caused me to reconsider whether I really wanted to continue with my self-centered approach to life.
Sandi’s storming out of my office clearly signaled a high level of distress. She was not just upset. She was nearing the point of no return. Tom’s failure to keep agreements, to abide by agreements they had made in the past, had created profound disrespect. As a result, Sandi was seriously considering whether she wanted to remain married to a man who would treat her this way.
Sandi had sabotaged herself many times with self-doubt. She had wondered if she was overreacting to Tom’s lack of responsibility. How could leaving a pair of boots on the kitchen floor cause such distress? Why did his refusal to do part of the housecleaning cause her such anger? The answer is that a part of her recognized his actions as profoundly disrespectful. When Tom exploded after being confronted about his violations, this only added insult to Sandi’s injuries.
John Gottman, in his landmark book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, identifies predictable signs that indicate whether a marriage will succeed or fail. One of the signs of impending failure is contempt, which is a product of disrespectful behavior that continues over a long period of time. Gottman shares the following story, which is strikingly similar to my experience with Sandi and Tom.
By their first anniversary, Eric and Pamela still hadn’t resolved their financial differences. Unfortunately, their fights were becoming more frequent and more personal. Pamela was feeling disgusted with Eric. In the heat of one particular nasty argument, she found herself shrieking, “Why are you always so irresponsible? You never pay attention to how much you spend. You’re so selfish.” Fed up and insulted, Eric retorted, “Oh shut up. You’re just a stingy cheapskate who doesn’t know how to live. I don’t know how I ended up with you anyway.” The second horseman—contempt—had entered the scene.4
I don’t know anything about Eric and Pamela aside from this excerpt from Gottman’s book. But their marriage is clearly in serious trouble. I know this as surely I know that Sandi and Tom’s marriage is in serious trouble. I know this because Sandi stormed out of my office, because she is tired of Tom’s irresponsibility, because Tom wants to blame her outbursts on high standards and impossible expectations.
Gottman tells us that we must take contempt very seriously because it is so often the result of chronic irresponsibility and a failure to resolve it. Left unchecked, irresponsibility leads to chronic disrespect, which leads to contempt, which ultimately leads to the dissolution of a relationship.
The crazy-makers in your life probably don’t understand the power of their irresponsibility. It is, after all, an ingrained part of who they are. It is as natural to them as breathing. They also may not realize the damage their irresponsibility can cause to a relationship. If they are ever to become aware of the harm they are causing, you will need to take the first step in alerting them to the situation. Dr. Albert Bernstein, in his book Emotional Vampires, explains the power of disrespect on a relationship.
Night-stalking vampires will drain your blood. Emotional Vampires will use you to meet whatever needs they happen to be experiencing at the moment. They have no qualms about taking your effort, your money, your love, your attention, your admiration, your body, or your soul to meet their insatiable cravings. They want what they want, and they don’t much care how you feel about it.5
Take a moment to assess how you feel when reading these words. “They will use you to meet whatever needs they happen to be experiencing at the moment.”
Does this mean that crazy-makers don’t care about you? Not necessarily. Are they driven by their own immediate needs? Most certainly—and by their deceptive thinking errors, which can ultimately hook the people around them. Bernstein says that our band of crazy-makers is generally driven by these irresponsible beliefs:
• My needs are more important than yours.
• The rules apply to other people, not to me.
• It’s not my fault—ever.
• I want it now.
• If I don’t get my way, I’ll throw a tantrum.
No wonder your relationship suffers when your mate is so self-centered that he has no respect for others and places his needs before anyone else’s. Are you really surprised when you begin to lose respect for the crazy-maker? Being constantly angry and annoyed with him makes perfect sense. Losing your love for him is logical.
For crazy-makers to be unaware of their actions and continue them anyway is one thing. For us to enable these destructive processes is quite another. We ignorantly enable egotists to blast their way into our lives and push their own agenda. We are overwhelmed by the rage of the aggressors and the emotionality of the borderlines, thereby enabling their behavior. We have mixed feelings for sufferers that often prevent us from confronting them. We feel subjugated by the argumentativeness of control freaks.
But what are we to feel if we have confronted our mate about such behavior and the violations continue month after month, year after year?
The answer is clear—we develop a profound disrespect for them and sometimes a similar level of disrespect for ourselves. A deep and tragic pain often unfolds, leading to the demise of the relationship.
When irresponsibility erodes respect, the erosion of love cannot be far behind.
If irresponsibility and inaction erode love and respect, we can rebuild love and respect with responsible action—what Sam Keen refers to as “caring.” In his book To Love and Be Loved, Keen says caring involves skillful concern.
Our feelings of generosity and our desire to care do not automatically translate into wisdom. A large part of the practice of love involves knowing what to give to whom… A gift may be an instrument of grace that empowers its recipient or a disguised weapon that cripples. Questionable motives may trigger seemingly care-ful acts.6
I still feel ashamed about the way I treated my parents during my adolescence. I was not caring or careful with my family. I was raised in nearly idyllic circumstances. My parents treated me with special compassion and attention. I have many rich memories of being nurtured in a family of love.
I remember having many neighborhood friends at my house when I was a child. They knew that my parents welcomed and accepted them. I recall numerous innocent escapades with my neighborhood chums, Kenny, Donald, Mike, and Danny. I grew up in the Swedish Evangelical Covenant Church, where I received a vibrant heritage of faith.
I remember my mother and father’s doting attention and care. On one occasion, when I was a young teenager, my father drove me to my junior high school and took a teacher to task for some transgression against me (I don’t recall the issue). What stays with me is my father’s fierce protectiveness, which exists to this day. My father and mother care for me and attend to me still. They embodied what Keen describes:
Care moves love from feeling into action, from self to other, from getting to giving. When we care, we take responsibility for and seek the well-being and fulfillment of another person; our capacity for empathy, compassion, and sympathetic enjoyment is mobilized on behalf of a child, a friend, a lover, a stranger in distress.7
This says it all. When people really care for us, they demonstrate it. They show us by being responsible in their actions. They go out of their way to protect us, to know us, to make sure we feel their attentive actions.
No wonder Sandi winces in pain at Tom’s inaction and irresponsibility. He says, “I love you,” and then disregards the very thing she has asked for as a sign of his caring. He says, “I love you,” and then forgets the important agreement they made hours earlier. His words become a sham. They lose their sincerity and meaning.
Keen does not shrink from raising a difficult question: Are we asking others to forsake themselves so we can meet our needs? Keen encourages us to care for ourselves and for others:
If I neglect the cultivation of my gifts, the nurturing of my deepest needs, the enjoyment of those pleasures that tickle my peculiar fancy, it is unlikely that my caring for others will spring from the bounty of my being. Whenever we abandon our personal sense of vocation and joie de vivre, we place an enormous burden on others to justify the sacrifices we have made for “for their sake”… Develop those modes of caring that allow you to love both self and others. The sacrifices love demands of us should make our lives rich in meaning and satisfaction.8
The crazy-makers’ irresponsibility may eventually become overwhelmingly exhausting. When you feel “baited” one time too many, you’re finally ready for action.
Sandi was at that point when she stormed out of my office. She was so ready that she called me an hour later, saying she was prepared for “tough love.” We discussed what that might look like and the implications it might have for her and the children.
Together we agreed that she would write a letter to Tom and let him consider the implications. Here is her letter:
Dear Tom,
I have always been committed to you and to our marriage. However, your constant neglect in keeping agreements has caused me to lose respect for you. You repeatedly make promises but don’t follow through with them. You minimize the impact of your irresponsibility on me, and that is infuriating. I can no longer live like this. I am going to spend a few days away from you, maybe longer. I want you to consider your actions and decide if you are willing to keep the agreements we have made in counseling. I don’t like the person I’m becoming—always angry with you for your irresponsibility. I will meet you in our counseling session next week, and we can talk more about this issue. I love you and look forward to a lifetime together once we have resolved this situation.
Love, Sandi
Sandi decided she would no longer tolerate or enable her husband’s irresponsible behavior. She wanted to respect Tom, but she needed him to keep his agreements in order for her to do so. Tom, as it turned out, had resentment of his own that he was expressing by being passive-aggressive. He didn’t really agree with the promises he was making, so he sabotaged them. Through talking about this in counseling, he learned to disagree with Sandi when appropriate. Conversely, when he made agreements, he determined that he would keep them. But only drastic measures got him to that point.
Gary Chapman includes this comment in his book Loving Solutions:
If we are to be constructive change agents toward irresponsible spouses, we must always consider what motivates their irresponsible behavior, what is going on inside the individual. Unless we are able to address these issues, we are not likely to see positive change.9
Chapman goes on to advocate tough love for chronically irresponsible spouses, which can include separation if they do not change.
I am indebted to Dr. Harriet Lerner for her pioneering work with women and especially to the crazy-makers’ use of irresponsibility. However, Lerner doesn’t stop at challenging the irresponsible spouse. She understands that Ms. Responsibility often links up with Mr. Irresponsibility, subconsciously believing this may be a match made in heaven. Lerner nudges women to inspect their motives and behaviors and to consider if they have created the very dynamics that drive them crazy. She encourages women to critically inspect their lives to see if they have taken on the role of “overfunctioner.”
Often in relationships, women overfunction by assuming a “rescuing” or “fix-it” position. We behave as if it is our responsibility to shape up other people or solve their problems, and further, that it is in our power to do so. We may become reactive to every move that a person makes or fails to make, our emotions ranging from annoyance to intense anger and despair. And when we realize our attempts to be helpful are not working, do we stop and do something different? Of course not…
But what is wrong with taking responsibility for others? In some respects, nothing. For generations, women have gained both identity and esteem from our deep investment in protecting, helping, and nurturing, and comforting others…The problem arises when we are excessively reactive to other people’s problems, when we assume responsibility for things that we are not responsible for, and when we attempt to control things that are not in our control.10
Sandi’s situation may be more complex than it appears. The tentacles of responsibility run deep in her relationship. She may wish Tom were more responsible, but allowing him to actually grow in responsibility may be more challenging than she imagines. For a long time, he has under-functioned while she has over-functioned. She must relinquish responsibility for him becoming more accountable in their home and marriage.
We cannot talk about letting go of crazy-making irresponsibility and growing into caring responsibility without discussing spiritual maturity. We are spiritual beings, and our behavior and emotions are not separate from the role that faith plays in our lives. One could argue that we cannot become emotionally mature, gaining the ability to truly care for others, without possessing spiritual maturity. Certainly being mature spiritually assists us in the path of emotional maturity, and being a crazy-maker is inconsistent with the Christian faith.
The Scriptures highlight the importance of being responsible and spiritually mature. In fact, one of the apostle Paul’s central messages was that we should become mature and responsible Christians. He makes clear that the pure and healthy love that accompanies maturity and responsibility is antithetical to crazy-making.
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God (Philippians 1:9-11).
Paul didn’t expect people to gain instant maturity once they accepted Christ. He knew full well that maturation is a process.
Not that I have already attained all this, or have already been made perfect, I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it… All of us who are mature should take such a view of things (Philippians 3:12-13,15).
What are some indicators of spiritual maturity? In the passage above, Paul notes that sacrificial love will abound among those who are mature. He goes on to say that they will be able to discern what is best and pure. With that power, they will be filled with the fruit of righteousness, which will enable them to pursue the ways of God.
Followers of Christ who strive for spiritual maturity will be marked by two key traits. First, they will surrender their own desires to the desires of God. No longer serving the master of self, they serve God. Second Timothy 2:15 tells us, “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.” The crazy-maker who dedicates his life to God will eventually mature.
Second, Christians who strive for spiritual maturity will be obedient to God and to His Word. They will read the Word of God and seek to apply its principles to their lives. Because the Word of God changes lives, maturity is a natural byproduct. “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16).
Spiritual maturity, if it is genuine, will have an impact on responsibility and emotional maturity. Those who follow after God and seek His ways, which include loving others, will increasingly strive to change their way of thinking. No longer conforming to the standards of this world, they will become less self-centered, more giving, less judgmental, and increasingly tolerant of others. Spiritual maturity will have a remarkable ability to transform our relationships. The old self will fade and the new self will emerge.
Crazy-makers can benefit from this one critical antidote: dedicating their lives to being filled with the love of Christ and watching their thinking and life change dramatically as spiritual maturity leads them to a higher path.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).