For one human being to love another, that is the work for which all other work is but preparation.
RAINER MARIA RILKE
After an incredibly long winter, spring has finally arrived. My wife and I are busy unpacking boxes and moving into a new place of our own. Our home is perched on a bluff overlooking beautiful Hood Canal, tucked neatly onto the northwest tip of Washington State. I feel as if I can see forever. The peaks of the Olympic Mountains, which are usually snow-capped, are now dappled with gray. The morning sunlight shimmers across the water, and sailboats propelled by the gusty wind skitter past.
Skiffs huddle around tiny bobbing flags that mark the location of crab pots. The crabs don’t stand much of a chance. Lured by chicken bait, they will instinctually seek food and enter a swing gate to reach their meal. Once the gate swings closed, they’re trapped, and someone will soon be enjoying fresh Dungeness crab for dinner.
A similar scene is replayed many times every day, not only in the fishing and crabbing industry—which features the trap, the lure, the bait, and the catch—but in our lives as well. Unsuspecting people rise to crazy-makers’ bait and are hooked into a life of frustration and dysfunction.
This book is attempting to change that, and in this section we will focus on what you can do to break free from the trap you are now in and develop life patterns that will help you avoid being hooked in the future.
Can you imagine a life that is not dictated by the crazy-makers? Rather than ambling along unsuspectingly one moment and finding ourselves emotionally trapped the next, let’s work together to establish strategies that will keep you free.
We ended the last chapter with a brief discussion about how we unconsciously enable the crazy-maker with our own over-functioning. We now need to take a closer look at this issue. When we can change our patterns, we will help them change theirs.
Do you believe that one person can change a dysfunctional family pattern? It’s true. The family system relies on every person fulfilling his or her particular role, so when one person changes the pattern, the whole system changes.
Picture a mobile with six or seven pieces hanging from the ceiling of your house. Take one piece and shake it. Every other piece in the mobile is affected. Most of the time we think of this from a negative vantage point: The crazy-maker walks into the house, hooks us into his nutty behavior, and the entire family suffers. Yes, one crazy-maker can rattle an entire household. But the opposite is also true—one healthy person can put a family on the path to positive interaction.
Jesus understood the impact that one person could have on an entire system. He said, “Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees” (Matthew 16:11). A little bit of their false teaching could contaminate an entire body of believers. The leavening process of deception could work its way into the thinking and behavior of the entire church.
He also taught us that the right ingredient can have a broad, positive influence. “The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into a large amount of flour until it worked all through the dough” (Matthew 13:33). The kingdom of heaven can be penetrating and life-changing. It can transform single lives and entire communities and nations. One person—you—can make a difference.
To make a difference, however, we must first understand how we enable crazy-makers to worm their way into our lives and wreak havoc. Let’s review some of the flawed behaviors that open the door to crazy-makers, and then we’ll discuss strategies to break free from these errors.
Accepting or making excuses. Yes, in spite of the exasperating behavior of crazy-makers, we are tempted to accept their excuses. They don’t understand what you mean when you refer to their demanding attitude or constant complaining. They appear to have no awareness of their aggressive behavior or the way they twist your words. You wonder if they can possibly “get it,” but you tell yourself they may just need more time, effort, or faith to get there. Perhaps you decide to talk to them again, explaining that their behavior is troubling. Maybe for the briefest moment they seem to understand. But not long after, they repeat their damaging behavior again.
In exasperation, you find yourself talking too loudly, explaining too much, making too many excuses for their crazy-making behavior. You want to calm down the situation. The myriad of excuses continues, all to avoid the pain of telling it like it is. They must be held accountable for their crazy-making behavior, and this will be uncomfortable for them and for you. They can change, especially if no one is enabling their dysfunctional behavior.
Justifying behavior. Yes, they are responsible for their actions, you say, but they’ve had a rough life. You understand their crazy-making and attempt to rationalize it. You put it in the larger context of their upbringing, their hard work life, their temperament. And the list goes on. Holding crazy-makers accountable may create even more problems in the short run, so you justify their behavior so they no longer have to change.
“He works hard and can be irritable on night shift.”
“She’s been alone her whole life. She can’t help being a martyr at times.”
“He’s full of himself, but he’s a lot of fun too.”
Picking up the pieces. Yes, ladies, I’m talking to you now. How often have you bailed him out of a jam just because you could? As Harriet Lerner says, you’ve learned to over-function. When he “forgets” to take care of business, you’re right there to step in. When he is absorbed in his own activities and can’t seem to be bothered by family responsibilities, you pick up the kids, get them fed, and manage the home in his absence. You are over-responsible in response to his under-responsibility—all the while enabling his crazy-making behavior to continue.
Ignoring problems. As much as the crazy-maker uses denial to avoid the problem, you may be guilty of turning your head. You may have chosen not to see the problem. You’re as surprised as anyone when a friend asks you why you put up with these crazy-making ways. Their words jolt you back to reality—that’s right, you’re married to a control freak, a sufferer, or an aggressor. For a moment or two, you were busy enough to forget the severity of the situation.
In a recent counseling session I confronted a bright Christian woman, Gina, who is married to Douglas, a chronic marijuana addict. For more than 20 years, she has suffered with his extreme moods and irresponsible behaviors. Gina learned long ago that one way to deal with them was simply not to talk about them, to ignore the “elephant in the room” that no one wants to acknowledge. To cope, she has busied herself in church-related activities that fulfill her and help her forget the craziness at home. Although her activities are vibrant and dynamic, she uses them to “forget,” and that isn’t healthy. I encouraged Gina to remember the issues at home that need attention. Ignoring the craziness won’t make it go away. In fact, the problem will continue to grow and become even more debilitating.
Cleaning up messes. Crazy-makers create problems. They wreak havoc. Their paths are strewn with trouble in one form or another. You know it and perhaps have fallen into the habit of cleaning up their messes. You have learned not only to pick up the pieces, but also to put them back together again. A casual observer wouldn’t know the problem existed in the first place. But every time you come to the rescue, you enable the crazy-maker to continue the same behavior pattern.
Not discussing problems. Most partners of crazy-makers practice the fine art of tiptoeing. You have learned not to talk directly about things. Oh, you may have tried. But crazy-makers don’t want to be held accountable. Their smokescreens are very effective, so you find yourself not telling it like it is. You don’t want to admit that you’re not telling the truth to them, even though that is precisely what they need.
Not holding crazy-makers accountable. Perhaps you have been able to talk to crazy-makers. Perhaps you have had frank discussions—but progress stops there. You fail to really hold them accountable. Accountability is a four-letter word to crazy-makers. You threaten, warn, and rage, but you never set the bottom line, so the craziness continues. Tough love may require sharp edges—edges that indicate you will not tolerate certain behaviors. Edges that insist on couples counseling or treatment. Edges that say you will walk away when someone is demeaning you.
Not getting help. Holding the crazy-maker accountable is tough enough. To make matters worse, you try to go it alone. This is a surefire recipe for failure. You need the perspective of trusted counselors and confidants. Issues stay muddled when they remain in our heads. As a friend of mine reminded me recently, “The mind is a dangerous place. Don’t go in there alone.”
This book wouldn’t be helpful if we simply spent our time lamenting the difficulties of interacting with crazy-makers. We have all had that experience time and again. We also wouldn’t accomplish anything if we kept pointing the finger of responsibility outside ourselves—toward crazy-makers. Oh sure, they’re difficult. Okay, they’re impossible. But if we stop the finger-pointing, we’re left feeling powerless and victimized. We must take back the ground we’ve given away. We must learn new skills to help us break free. But exactly how do we stop enabling their behavior?
Stop making excuses for them. That means absolutely no more excuses for their irresponsibility. No more excuses for their laziness around the house. Instead of telling yourself that he can’t help being a control freak because his father was the same way, demand accountability.
Tell yourself the truth. You’ve been insisting that he or she tell the truth. That’s fine, but you’re better off starting with yourself. So, what is the truth of the matter? Is your mate a card-carrying aggressor who needs anger management or an egotist who needs you to stand firm in the face of his dominance? If you start with the truth, other healthy actions will naturally follow.
Don’t pick up the pieces. Don’t pay their overdue bills. Don’t cover up for their workaholism. Let him explain to the kids where he was during their last soccer match. Look critically at all the ways you make the home run smoother by doing things that simply enable negative behavior. Consider where you can let things go, especially things that he or she will feel.
Don’t make threats you won’t carry out. Making idle threats causes you to lose crazy-makers’ respect. Establish logical consequences and then follow through with them. No lectures. No lingering warnings. Just simple and clear consequences that you follow through with.
If she fails to pay the PUD bill for two months in a row, insist on talking together to the PUD accounts manager. If he blows up again, insist he seek anger management counseling. If he tries to control your activities, make clear that you will not be controlled and will continue to be sensitive to his desires without catering to his insecurities.
The crazy-maker will take you much more seriously if you establish rules that include accountability and consequences. Remember, a boundary has sharp edges—if you say you will no longer listen to someone yelling at you, walk away. If you say you will not tolerate someone threatening you, leave until you see changes. If you say you won’t put up with your mother talking to you about your siblings, hang up the phone.
Refuse to lie or keep secrets. Commit to tell the truth—to yourself and to others. No more sugarcoating the problem. If his controlling behavior is making you crazy, tell someone. Don’t call it anything other than what it is. Name it and be willing to come out of hiding and address it. Shame only exists in secret.
End your codependence. In my book When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You, I discuss the issue of codependence and the destructive impact it has on your personality and your relationships. John Bradshaw, in his book Homecoming, says, “To be codependent is to be out of touch with one’s feelings, needs, and desires.”1 This happens insidiously when we live in relation to someone else’s needs, opinions, and feelings. Stop living in fear of crazy-makers’ feelings and actions. Live internally, according to what is true and right for you and according to what God is impressing upon you.
Drs. Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier, in their book Love Is a Choice, identify ten traits of a codependent:
• The codependent is driven by one or more compulsions.
• The codependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.
• The codependent’s self-esteem (and frequently, maturity) is very low.
• A codependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.
• A codependent feels inordinately responsible for others.
• A codependent’s relationship with a spouse or significant other is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.
• The codependent is a master of denial and repression.
• The codependent worries about things he or she can’t change but may try to change anyway.
• A codependent’s life is punctuated by extremes.
• A codependent is constantly looking for something that is missing or lacking in life.2
This list may seem foreboding at first glance. The important thing is to begin by identifying the problem and creating a strategy for dealing with it. Codependence does not get better with time. Changing these patterns requires a great deal of commitment.
Get support for yourself. No more going it alone. Come out of hiding and ask for help. Find a codependency support group and begin participating. Seek individual counseling if he or she refuses to join you. When we share our concerns in a support group, the issue loses some of its power over us.
I have emphasized the importance of alertness when dealing with crazy-makers. Their number one tactic in hooking you is to catch you unawares. If you are mesmerized by their aggressive or manipulative behavior, you are vulnerable. This must change. Breaking free from the crazy-maker requires awakening, becoming observant, and noticing how you become mesmerized, paralyzed, and hooked.
I recall a critical moment in my young adulthood. I was 19 and attending Bible school—the same school where I labored for months to find myself and my purpose in life. In a particularly poignant moment, sitting with friends discussing a moving chapel service, I had an epiphany. I suddenly felt, emotionally, the importance of what Christ had done for me. My eyes were opened in a profound and new way. As a child, I’d heard all the stories of how Christ had died for my sins. But now, as an adult, His life, death, and resurrection took on new meaning. He lived and died for me! I experienced an awakening that has had a lasting impact on my life and changed the way I view the world. My understanding went from head knowledge to heart knowledge—the 24-inch drop from my head to my heart!
I am reminded of the story of Sleeping Beauty. In this fairy tale, Princess Aurora sleeps under layers of dependency—dependency on her father, on the three good fairies, and then on the prince. King Stefan, her father, forgets to invite the evil Maleficent to Aurora’s christening. Maleficent shows up anyway and lays a curse on the baby girl—she will be pricked by a needle and die. The fairy Merryweather is able to alter the curse of death to the curse of sleep. Aurora, along with everyone else in the castle, goes to sleep. Their lives depend on the kiss from the prince. Of course, the prince finds Aurora and kisses her, and the kingdom awakens. In a moment the princess grows up, and the couple lives happily ever after.
We must go through a similar awakening. We must become independent enough to trust ourselves. This does not mean we give up trusting others—far from it. But we do not look to others for our identity.
Michael Gurian talks about this in his book Love’s Journey:
If we don’t separate from caregivers and go through the long process of finding out who we are, we make mates, children, religion, nature, and work into dependency objects. We remain in a power struggle with them for the rest of our lives… When we awaken, we see much of this individuality already in place within us, noticing and honoring it as we never have before; we also see what false selves we’ve had to create—we move out of them as much as possible, as if working our way out of a shell; and we seek to develop new ways of being individuals. Unless we awaken, these won’t take place.3
Christians can choose another type of awakening—being born again. During a conversation with the Pharisee Nicodemus, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again” (John 3:3).
This was a conundrum to Nicodemus, as it is for many today. Jesus went on to say, “No one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit” (John 3:5). We each have an opportunity for a profound spiritual awakening that will give us new eyes with which to see our situation.
When we believe our mates are responsible for our happiness, or that we can only find happiness if something or someone outside of us changes, we live a most precarious life. If we cannot be happy unless our crazy-making mates change their behaviors, and if we have chosen to remain in relationship with them, we can expect our lives to be miserable.
Such was the case many months ago for Jacqueline, a bright, young girl preparing to attend graduate school. Jacqueline came to see me about “relationship issues.” At 24, she was goal-directed and looking ahead to a wonderful future. Her challenge was that her boyfriend, Jess, was a control freak. The difficulty, however, was not so much that he was controlling. The underlying problem was her reaction and response to his control.
Specifically, Jess wanted Jacqueline to give up her career plans, which would take her from our small town to Seattle. She would not be able to reach her career goals and stay in the local community. But Jess was threatened by her plans to leave the area, even though she reassured him she wanted to continue their relationship. That assurance did not satisfy him. He wanted her to settle for lesser goals and center her life around his budding electrical business.
“He’s so insecure,” Jacqueline lamented. “I hate the fact that he is so dependent on me. Grad school is only going to last two years. I can come home to visit every weekend. But that’s not good enough for him. In fact, he’s threatening to break up with me if I won’t change my plans. I doubt he’d really do it, but that’s how insecure and controlling he is. I don’t know what to do.”
“I think it comes down to how important your dreams are to you,” I said. “It seems pretty clear that graduate school is a high priority. Now you need to negotiate something that works for both you and Jess.”
“That’s just it,” she said. “He won’t negotiate, and he won’t consider any other possibilities.”
“How do you feel about his refusal to bend on this issue?” I asked.
“I hate it, of course. I’ve never been with someone so controlling. It drives me nuts, but I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you mean when you say that you don’t know what to do?”
“If I pursue my dreams, I’ll lose him, and I don’t want to do that. If I stay here in town, I’ll lose the goals I’ve had since I was a child. I want a career in broadcasting. I’ve known that since the first time I watched Good Morning America when I was a kid.”
“As I see it, you’re in danger of becoming too dependent on Jess by enabling him to be controlling. If your dream is as important as you say it is, I’d think he would be more flexible. You appear to be trying to reassure him, but maybe it’s time to test the relationship a bit. My recommendation is that you detach from him and see what happens.”
Jacqueline agreed she had to detach from Jess and establish her individuality. This did not mean that she no longer cared for him. However, she was in danger of being smothered by his controlling personality. If she didn’t establish the importance of her needs now, she would risk being engulfed and manipulated by him to an even greater degree in the future. If that were to happen, it could eventually mean the end of their relationship. So for her own sanity and the possible longevity of their relationship, she had to detach from his worries and insecurities and do what seemed right to her.
As it turns out, Jess threatened to end their relationship when Jacqueline told him she would not back down. She held firm, and today they enjoy a much healthier relationship. Jess has accepted her individuality and, in fact, has grown to foster her dreams. They are still dating and have plans to be married in the fall, when Jacqueline graduates from graduate school. Both have found ways to alter their individual plans to build a relationship together.
So many of the issues we’ve been exploring, which require that we deal effectively with crazy-makers, demand that we establish internal boundaries. Some time ago, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend reminded us of some very important scriptural principles that have the power to free us from the destructive behavior of crazy-makers.
Cloud and Townsend’s work is chronicled in the book Boundaries, in which they illustrate the importance of setting limits. They show us that God designed a world where we all are intended to live within prescribed boundaries. In the act of creation, God set the land apart from the seas, separated the mountains from the valleys, and made the animal kingdom separate from humankind. Boundaries are ordained and ordered by God.
God’s instructions to mankind were clear: “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground” (Genesis 1:28). Cloud and Townsend make this note:
Made in the image of God, we were created to take responsibility for certain tasks. Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job, and what isn’t. Workers who continually take on duties that aren’t theirs will eventually burn out. It takes wisdom to know what we should be doing and what we shouldn’t. We can’t do everything.4
Knowing what is our business and what is not is a huge issue, particularly when dealing with the crazy-makers in our lives. Jacqueline was confused about boundaries in her relationship with Jess. She wanted to make him happy, but his version of happiness required that she give up her individuality. If she had not established boundaries in the early stages of their relationship, she would have lost respect for Jess and for herself. She would never have been truly happy, and their relationship would have suffered as a result.
Cloud and Townsend suggest that answering the following questions can be a great first step for people who are attempting to establish healthy boundaries. Consider your response to them:
• Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
• What are legitimate boundaries?
• What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
• How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
• How do boundaries relate to submission?
• Aren’t boundaries selfish?5
Perhaps you have wrestled with these same questions. I know I have and still do to this day. Let’s see if we can answer them.
First, you can set limits and still be loving. In fact, setting limits is a loving act. Imagine what would happen if you did not set limits. What if you literally said yes to every request that came along?
Not long ago a young man befriended me at a book signing. He was disabled and desperately wanted a friend. He felt a special connection to me and wanted us to spend time together. As I considered his request to have coffee and chat, I had to weigh it against my other obligations. I reluctantly decided that to make time for this young man would cheat others in my life. Our choices in one direction limit our choices in another. As much as I’d like to do it all—to be a friend to everyone, to answer each and every e-mail and letter in detail—I cannot. My time and energy are limited, and I have a responsibility to make healthy choices in favor of those God has called to be in my life.
We would do well to learn from the parable of the orchardist in the Scripture. Remember Jesus’ teaching: “He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes” (John 15:2). This verse tells me that there is a time to say no to good things so that what remains can be even more fruitful.
Second, what are legitimate boundaries? Legitimate boundaries are those we have a responsibility to protect. We have the responsibility to manage and care for our emotions, our behaviors, our attitudes and beliefs, as well as our friendships and activities. As we often hear in church, we are to use wise stewardship of our time, talents, and treasures.
Third, others will sometimes be upset by our boundaries. Boundaries have edges. I recall several years ago asking a friend if I could borrow his truck for the day. He firmly said, “No, I will be needing my truck.” Not to be deterred, I asked him if I could borrow the truck for a few hours. Again, he said, “No, I will be needing my truck.” But I wouldn’t take no for an answer. I told him I would have it back to him promptly if he would just loan it to me for a short time. My friend said curtly, “David, what part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?”
I’ve remembered the event as much for my stubbornness as for his firmness. My hurt feelings were my responsibility. He did nothing to feel bad about. Boundaries have edges, and once in a while they sting—especially when people put you on the spot.
Fourth, you must be a good steward of your time, love, energy, and money. You have only so much of each to go around, and you alone are responsible for how you disperse them. You do not have unlimited time, for example, and if you choose to give it to a friend, you will not have it to give to someone else. The same is true of your money. You could give it away, but that would be poor stewardship. Crazy-makers will find a way to demand your resources, but their request rarely lead to worthwhile investments of your resources. Spending our time and talents wisely yields a good return. You must be mindful of how you choose to use them.
Fifth, both husbands and wives—and everyone else, for that matter—should practice submission. Submission is not something for people to use as a weapon against their spouses. Rather, it is something given freely to model and more fully experience Christ’s love. The Scriptures don’t tell us that one partner is intended to have control over another. In fact, the model is to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
Sixth, establishing boundaries is not a selfish act. Consider what Cloud and Townsend have to say on this matter:
Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. People with highly developed limits are the most caring people on earth…A helpful way to understand setting limits is that our lives are a gift from God. Just as a store manager takes good care of a shop for the owner, we are to do the same with our souls. If a lack of boundaries causes us to mismanage the store, the owner has a right to be upset with us.6
If we allow them to do so, crazy-makers will hook us into frittering away our time, love, energy, and money. Therefore, we practice good stewardship when we set limits on how we allow crazy-makers to treat us.
To be a successful steward of your boundaries, you will need to make some important decisions. You must acknowledge that your boundaries are very personal, and you have a responsibility to guard and protect them. This is not selfish behavior; it is simply your responsibility.
Most humans are rational beings, and we have the ability and the power to make choices. Along with that ability, of course, comes responsibility. We will reap what we sow.
Breaking free from crazy-makers, whether you choose to leave them or take control of your interactions with them, will require making some difficult decisions. It will involve changing your own behaviors. As you become mindful of these new behaviors, you can feel empowered by them.
John Bradshaw, an author who has significantly influenced me, wrote in his book Homecoming that it is never too late to have a happy childhood. By that, he means that through new, healthier decisions, we can care for the child within us, raising him or her in healthier ways. Bradshaw suggests that we need to consider new avenues for caring for our boundaries. Doing so will make us healthier.
Consider some of the decisions you can make today to create healthier boundaries in your life:
• Decide that you are responsible to set healthy boundaries regarding your time, talents, resources, body, and spiritual well-being.
• Decide to practice maintaining those healthy boundaries, protecting them as you would your own home.
• Ask for wisdom from God to help you in this endeavor.
• Associate with people who will show care, concern, and respect for those boundaries.
• Show care, concern, and respect for others’ boundaries and their efforts to live healthier lives.
Henri Nouwen, noted theologian and author, has much to say about decision making, boundaries, and the healthy spiritual life. He suggests in his book Here and Now that our well-being is a matter of spiritual and emotional importance and must be guarded fiercely.
The spiritual life is one of constant choices. One of the most important choices is the choice of people with whom we develop close intimate relationships. We have only a limited amount of time in our lives. With whom do we spend it and how? That’s probably one of the most decisive questions of our lives…To whom do we go to for advice? With whom do we spend our free evenings? Sometimes we speak or act as if we have little choice in the matters. Sometimes we act as though we will be lucky if there is anyone who wants to be our friend. But that is a passive and fatalistic attitude.7
We will have many opportunities for friendships. Nouwen encourages us to choose wisely. Have we prayed about these friendships? What kinds of friends do we need at this time in our life?
God knows and cares about the people who need to be in our life for this season for this reason. But the choice is ours, and we must choose wisely.
You may still be wondering whether you have established healthy boundaries. Remember, setting limits on the impact of crazy-makers in your life is critical. Here are a few questions, taken from Dr. Charles Whitfield’s book Boundaries and Relationships, that you can use to evaluate your progress:
• Am I able to say no to requests?
• Am I able to understand that my happiness does not depend on other people?
• Do I find myself involved with people who end up hurting me?
• Can I choose friends whom I trust to care for me?
• Do I consider my opinion to be as important as others’?
• Do people take or use my things without my permission?
• Can I ask others for what I want and need?
• Do I go along with other people rather than voicing my desires?
• Do I feel proud of being an individual with unique qualities?
• Have I found a balance between helping others and meeting my own needs?
• Am I able to determine what I think and believe?
• Am I able to make effective decisions?
• Am I able to get out of relationships that continue to hurt me?
• Am I able to stay out of other’s problems?
• Am I able to sort out my own feelings and thoughts as separate from others?
• Do I understand that I am not responsible for other people’s feelings?8
Developing healthy boundaries may be a new venture for you, so it is likely to be a challenge. This checklist may have helped you become aware of areas in your life that need more work.
Don’t lose heart. You can learn to honor and protect your boundaries. These skills will have a powerful impact on your ability to deal with the crazy-makers in your life.
Setting boundaries may be the most important set of skills for dealing with the crazy-maker. Boundaries define who you are and who you aren’t. They deliver a clear statement to crazy-makers, letting them know that they are free to act however they choose but that you will make healthy choices in response to their actions.
With practice, setting boundaries will give you a level of freedom you may have never known. You will be able to take the power out of the hands of the crazy-maker and place it squarely back where it belongs—with you.