Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
For several years, my sons, my father, and I practiced an annual ritual. After my boys graduated from high school, I promised to take them, along with my dad, to the wilds of Alaska for a mega-fishing expedition. For those of us who live in the Pacific Northwest, Alaska is the epitome of untamed, unmanaged mystique—that last frontier that every kid is dying to visit.
My oldest son Joshua, my father, and I made the first excursion. It was a magnificent adventure that included several fly-in destinations, where we were sure to catch our limits of wild rainbow trout and perhaps even experience a not-too-close-for-comfort moment with a brown bear.
We flew into Anchorage in September 2000, and before heading out into the bush, we fished the Kenai River. What a time we had catching and releasing wild rainbow trout. For those unfamiliar with trout, these were big, bad boys—most in the seven- to nine-pound range. They put up an incredible fight, leaping out of the water and shaking their heads wildly in an effort to throw the hook. Though I knew it was “sustainable” to “catch and release,” another part of me wanted to hook ’em and keep ’em.
The next day, we climbed aboard a rickety floatplane piloted by a bearded, longhaired guide and headed out over the tundra and countless lakes, many of which were rarely fished. Our guide swooped low over several river embankments to give us a view of brown bear feeding on spawning fish. I’m not sure what was more thrilling—the sight of brown bear standing sentry in the rivers or the quick dive of the floatplane. Both were incredibly exhilarating.
Half an hour later, we landed on a remote lake where we were promised a bounty of fish. We were not disappointed as the fish were large, plentiful, and full of fight. Again, however, we were told it was catch-and-release, which at the time, was a relatively new program put in place to save salmon and other fish. True sportsmen would gladly comply with such regulations, ensuring plenty of fish for years to come.
Two years later I made a similar trip with my youngest son Tyson and my father. We covered much the same territory with equally awe-inspiring results. We fished several rivers near Anchorage, primarily for sockeyes and pinks. We were allowed to catch and keep up to three salmon per day.
Catch-and-release is fine in the fishing world. However, being lured, hooked, snared, or caught in any manner by crazy-makers is not enjoyable, even if you find a way to secure your release. Every minute you spend on the crazy-makers’ line is draining, even exhausting. And as you also know, it is completely preventable. With the right skills, you can avoid being hooked or find a way to quickly be released.
Environmental sustainability is an intriguing concept. Can we live in such a way that we leave the earth a better place for our children and grandchildren? And, pertaining to this book, what about emotional sustainability? Can we practice healthy boundaries with one another without ever getting hooked or manipulated by crazy-makers?
I believe in the concept of emotional sustainability—I want crazy-makers to come and go without leaving a trace on the rest of us. If that could happen—if we could have such a profound respect for each other that we would never want to hook each other, our world would drastically change. In the process, perhaps egotists, aggressors, sufferers, borderlines, and control freaks would lose their appetite for hooking us.
Alaska’s wild fish give the appearance of fighting fiercely for their freedom. Against enormous odds and obstacles, salmon migrate to the ocean, stay for several years, and then instinctively find their way back to the precise location where they were born. It is an incredible story that has the fingerprint of the Creator all over it. Salmon navigate hundreds of miles from the Pacific Ocean to their spawning grounds. Many are lost to predators and fishermen along the way. Some are caught and released. Some are hooked, caught, and bagged.
The salmon are driven by instinct. Their journey is written into their genetic code. Using their natural senses, they simply know which creek, river, or stream is home. They stop at nothing to retain their freedom until they return to the stream where they can spawn and then die. Theirs is a fight to the death.
I once took a tour bus into the mountains above Ketchikan, Alaska. We passed slowly by a crook in a river and watched bears hooking salmon, eating their heads, and tossing the carcasses back into the river. Fish after fish, the bears seldom required more than a swift, jerking motion to hook their meal. Some salmon escaped the danger. Many did not.
In some ways, the salmon’s fight is similar to yours. They fight for freedom. They fight because it is in their DNA to do so. They fight to continue a life cycle designed by the Creator and perpetuated by acts of nature. Through trial and trouble, they pursue a singular purpose—to be free. It is in your DNA to be free as well, and I hope you will stop at nothing to gain that freedom.
At times, perhaps you feel as if you are swimming upstream through a feeding frenzy of hungry bears. When you see those paws the size of baseball mitts and claws like knives, you wonder if you stand a chance. But freedom is your destiny. It drives you forward. You know that being caught goes against what you know to be right, and you will settle for nothing less than survival and independence.
If crazy-makers affect your life, you no doubt have a desire to change so that you can be free. You are tired of being caught, even if you are eventually released. You wouldn’t have read this far if you didn’t want things to be drastically different. Now the question is, how badly do you want to change? A little bit of desire will not cut it. The transformation will require a monumental effort.
Gerald May, in his wonderful book Addiction and Grace, says that we often repress our desires.
We try to keep our focus on other things—safer things…But something that has been repressed does not really go away; it remains with us, skirting the edge of our consciousness. Every now and then it reminds us of its presence, as if to say, “Remember me?” And, when we are ready to tackle the thing again, we can.1
Jesus talks a great deal about desire. In fact, He told two parables about desiring the kingdom of heaven.
The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it (Matthew 13:44-46).
In both parables, the man is willing to give up everything in exchange for the desired treasure or pearl of great value. Think about it—giving everything in exchange for something you consider of utmost value. Is your freedom from crazy-making worth this much to you? Are you willing to give up the comfort and predictability you currently know in exchange for the discomfort that will surely accompany change?
My wife teases me about always being obsessed with the latest, greatest treasure. In recent months I’ve been preoccupied with vintage Vespas, VW Beetles, and house barges on the Seattle waterfront. I wrap my mind around these ideas, so much so that, at times, I can hardly think of anything else. I attribute it to raw desire.
That is the type of passion you need in order to free yourself from crazy-makers.
We need to change in order to become free. We also need to be free to change. If our minds are attached to anything except Christ, we are not free. An obsession over anything hampers us to a certain degree in this quest. When watching a dog with a bone, we may wonder whether the dog has the bone or the bone has the dog.
Again, Gerald May addresses this issue.
It seems to me that free will is given to us for a purpose: so that we may choose freely, without coercion or manipulation, to love God in return, and to love one another in a similarly perfect way. This is the deepest desire of our hearts. In other words, our creation is by love, in love, and for love. It is both our birthright and our authentic destiny to participate fully in this creative loving, and freedom of will is essential for our participation to occur.2
You and I must be able to make choices freely. Unfortunately, if you have been struggling with crazy-makers in your life, you may be addicted—in a loose sense of the word—to these people. You may be obsessively bound up in trying to change them instead of focusing your heart and soul on loving God, letting Him change you and give you wisdom for better ways of dealing with the situation.
Please understand that it is not simply a case of one or the other, changing the crazy-makers in your life or changing you. Elements of both are at work. The Scriptures encourage us to seek first the kingdom of God and then allow God to work in us to change our situation.
May says that addictions or excessive attachments use up our desire.
It is like psychic malignancy, sucking our life energy into specific obsessions and compulsions, leaving less and less energy available for people and other pursuits. Spiritually, addiction is a deep-seated form of idolatry. The objects of our addictions become our false gods. These are what we worship, what we attend to, where we give our time and energy, instead of love. Addiction, then, displaces and supplants God’s love as the source and object of our deepest true desire.3
Our goal, then, is to have some level of detachment from the people and things that cause us to obsess. You know this if you are focused on your struggle with control freaks in your life. The freedom to change you, and perhaps them, comes as you focus on the Lord and allow Him to empower you to make the necessary changes you seek in your life.
If you are excessively attached to a sufferer or aggressor, you know it. Again, the primary goal is to focus on the Lord, allowing Him to empower you to detach so that you are free to make healthier decisions. “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33).
As I write these words, I am very aware that the crazy-makers in your life may well be people you love or care about. They may have no motive for luring, snaring, hooking, or catching you—but they do. If you didn’t care about them, you probably wouldn’t struggle with them. You’d have walked away by now. But you do care, and that makes detaching all the more challenging. In such circumstances, in addition to the power of God, change requires one thing—courage.
The word is adapted from the French word corage or curage, which also connoted the idea that courage comes from the heart as the seat of feeling, thought, spirit, mind, disposition, and nature. The root of courage also comes from the Latin word for courage, corāticum. The root cor, meaning heart, parallels the French word for heart, cœur.
Courage is usually used in modern language to describe people who have a quality of heart and mind that allows them to face danger in spite of their fear, which is also often referred to as bravery or boldness. You will need courage to do these things in your journey to freedom:
• stand firm when the control freak tries to tell you what to do
• disagree with the borderline who wants to twist your words
• leave when the aggressor threatens to become physically or verbally aggressive
• tell the sufferer you cannot give her any more physical, emotional, or financial help
• inform the egotist you also want time to share your point of view
• make choices every day to honor your feelings, thoughts, and desired goals
The fuel that drives you forward will be courage—heart and passion. You need to feel it down to the tips of your toes if you want to move forward. If you cannot find this passion for freedom, you will likely remain lukewarm, and this will not propel you forward. In fact, it will keep you stuck in situations that quite likely are dangerous to you either emotionally or perhaps even physically.
To stay the same is easier in many ways. As the saying goes, “I’d rather deal with the demons I know than the devil I don’t.” That saying may be more true than we know.
We feel comfortable in sticking with the troubles we have rather than changing and facing completely new trials. Our ruts may be difficult to handle, but at least we are familiar with them.
Remember the scenario from an earlier chapter where the husband struggled with a gambling addiction? I refer to this couple often when discussing the cost of change. When faced with the cost of treatment—that he would have to give up frequenting casinos and she would have to do whatever was necessary to escape his wrath—they decided the price was simply too high. They walked away to resume their old, dysfunctional lives. He would not give up his gambling; she would not face her codependence.
From the outside looking in, the casual observer might wonder, Why in the world would he not give up his gambling addiction? Why would she not give up her addiction to him in exchange for freedom? But we know the answer because each of us, in one way or another, knows their struggle. We have our own areas of attachment that we refuse to face or give up. Change is costly.
Consider your attachments for a moment. I’m not talking about the things you enjoy in this life, such as your summer cabin, sailboat, or motor home. I’m talking about the things or people that have you attached—derived from the French root word attacher—“nailed to.” What are you attached to that would be very hard to give up? We are all nailed to someone or something to some degree. We all know the cost of giving this up would be great.
You may think I am being a bit dramatic, comparing the cost of leaving an addiction to the cost of letting go of our habitual way of interacting with a crazy-maker. However, the comparison is fair. Dealing with a crazy-maker can become something of an addiction. The crazy-maker’s hooks may be deeply embedded in you, and freeing yourself may be more of a challenge than you think.
Not long ago I conducted some research into why victims of domestic violence struggle to leave abusers (aggressors). At first glance, we all say, “Why do you take it? Just leave him. Get out and teach him a lesson.” But again, freedom is not so easily attained. We forget the cost of such dramatic change.
My research uncovered an explanation that may be useful to you as we consider the cost of change. In a phenomenon called trauma bonding, the interplay between good times and bad, love and hate, joy and sorrow, creates an incredibly powerful bond. The bond solidifies. At times, nothing seems to be able to pry the victim and abuser apart. In fact, any law enforcement officer will tell you that the most dangerous situation in which to intervene is a domestic dispute. In a moment, the victim can turn on the officer. She quickly becomes a sufferer, firmly attached to her accustomed situation.
I recently counseled a 45-year-old woman named Denise. After several years of dating Barry, a control freak, she felt as if she could no longer cope with his controlling tactics. During one of our final individual counseling sessions, she decided to leave him. She offered these words:
“Leaving Barry is not as easy as others might think. Even though I’ve decided I can’t stand to have him micro-managing my life anymore, I’m going to miss his playfulness. No one I’ve dated is as much fun as he is. I’m going to miss that. For us, the good times are very, very good, and the bad times are very bad. Leaving him means I have to take a chance that there’s someone better out there for me, and I’m not sure that’s true. This is extremely frightening for me.”
She had clearly expressed the essence of trauma bonding: “The good times are very, very good, and the bad times are very bad.” The mixture of good times with bad creates a powerful adhesive that is hard to break.
The Scriptures offer a lesson in knowing the cost of any endeavor.
Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, “This fellow began to build and was not able to finish” (Luke 14:28-30).
What does this Scripture have to do with you and changing how you interact with the crazy-maker in your life? The Scripture tells us that thorough planning is healthy for any project. Only a fool rushes headlong into something. The tools offered in this book will help you make the difficult changes in your life.
If I have learned one thing about change, it is this: Change does not happen in one fell swoop. It is the result of numerous small steps, many of which you have already begun taking. Change is also not linear. If you look back over your life, you will see the jagged, seesaw path of change. A seed of restlessness led you to become more frustrated and perhaps even angry. Now you are ready to take bigger steps to transform your life.
You have counted the cost of change. Perhaps it includes summoning the courage to leave a control freak or insist that the aggressor go in for anger management. Or perhaps it includes learning to end the triangulation your mother or father have created in your family. Perhaps you have an image of what you’d like to see changed, and now you are considering the consequences of embarking on this journey.
As Denise said to me, the ripples of change reach out a long way. Let’s consider some of the consequences of change.
First, changing our circumstances changes us. We cannot predict all the things that will change when we start making modifications in our lives, but one thing is certain—we will change.
After my divorce a number of years ago, a series of additional alterations took place, a veritable cascade of circumstances. I moved to our vacation home, which took me to a new city, where I set up a new counseling practice. Soon I became involved in the local Baptist church, making friends and participating in the Sunday school classes. Now that I was living close to my sailboat, I was able to participate more actively in this passion. I developed a new group of friends and acquaintances. As much as I initially resisted this change, I found that it forced me to grow and deepen as a person.
Second, when we change, those around us often change as well. I have shared how one person can make a world of difference in a family or marriage if she will consider doing things in a new and different way. If you learn to set boundaries on an aggressor, for example, he will be forced to accept positive change or face the reality of living without you. If you tell the egotist in your life that you want to meet for lunch but need to make sure you are able to talk about something important to you, the relationship stands a much better chance of growing.
Third, when we change, we open our lives up to new possibilities. Have you heard the story of the monkey who put his hand in the jar for food, but his fist was too large to remove the food? Refusing to let go of his bounty, the monkey starved, all the while clutching his food.
We are often like the starving monkey. We want it all and refuse to embrace change for fear that we’ll starve in some way. Like the monkey, we must be willing to relinquish something in order to get something else. When we release the familiar, we literally create space for wonderful new possibilities to enter our lives.
Fourth, change inevitably creates anxiety. Although adventure is exciting, it is also frightening. If you weren’t stretching, you wouldn’t feel anxious. If you want to remain safe, stay the same. If you want to grow, stretch a little. Yes, change will cause you to feel some anxiety, but trust God to give you the strength to handle it.
Drs. Cloud and Townsend address this in their book God Will Make a Way:
One of the biggest causes of escalating fear is the “fear of fear”… Everyone has some fear, and that is normal. Make some space for it in your head. Remember, courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is moving forward in the face of fear.4
Listen to the words of the psalmist, who certainly faced many dangers as he made courageous decisions:
Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger. My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me (Psalm 55:1-4).
Finally, change ultimately brings confidence. After we have made the decision to alter our lives and have embraced the inevitable anxiety, we stretch and grow and become more comfortable with our situation. We gain new skills, new ways of coping, new supportive friends, and a deeper faith.
Although I believe in doing whatever we can to save marriages and relationships, I am also a realist. The craziness is sometimes simply too much to endure. Some marriages and relationships are so fraught with turmoil and abuse that their sanctity is terminally marred.
What are some of the signs that it may be time to leave? Let me offer a few for your consideration.
• You have endured ongoing verbal or physical violence.
• Your children are in emotional or physical danger.
• You are emotionally and spiritually bereft, unable to sustain the effort to work on the relationship.
• You sense an ongoing erosion of your identity in this crazy-making relationship.
• Sustained and significant acrimony permeates the relationship, and staying seems to only perpetuate this incredible tension.
I offer these as simply guidelines. The decision to leave is highly personal and should only be made when you sense God’s peace.
You may choose to leave rather than continue to endure dealing with the crazy-maker. What can be said to help you?
First, know that God has not abandoned you. God knows what He is doing, while we, at times, may not. You have prayed that the heart of someone dear to you would change, but perhaps that has not happened. This doesn’t mean God is deaf. It means God is working in ways you might not understand at this time.
Second, God knows what you are experiencing, and He cares. Yes, the God who has numbered the hairs on your head knows the details of your life. The psalmist says, “O LORD, you have searched me and know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways” (Psalms 39:1-3).
When I am in the middle of a crisis, I feel small. Knowing that God is bigger than any of my ordeals helps me. He knows what will happen, and everything I experience passes through His sovereign hands.
Third, we all have a free will. The crazy-makers in your life have free will and are responsible for their own actions. Meanwhile, the only person you can control is you. The only person you are responsible for is you. This is important to remember. You can choose to stay for today, or you can choose to leave.
Fourth, leaving may provide the impetus for greater change. Leaving is sometimes the force for change in the crazy-maker. We never know what hitting bottom will be, but for many, a spouse leaving is a major wake-up call. Consider a temporary separation as a line in the sand to which the crazy-maker may respond.
Fifth, don’t leave as a manipulative ploy. Be prepared for drastic changes if you choose to leave. The crazy-makers may choose to go on with their lives just as they were before they met you. Some crazy-makers may dive further into their destructive tendencies—and that is their choice.
Finally, know that you can and will be strengthened and changed in this process. The apostle James tells us that trials come to make us stronger. I have talked to many people who have gone through intense struggles with crazy-makers and have been forced to their knees in the process. This can be a very rich time spiritually. Let God do His work in you.
For some people, leaving is out of the question. You will remain in a relationship with that crazy-maker, perhaps because you are in a marriage and don’t want to consider ending it, or perhaps because the crazy-maker is a parent, and you would rather hold on to the good that is in the relationship than give it up entirely. People choose to stay in relationships for many reasons. If you are one of them, what might be helpful for you to hear?
Some of the greatest lessons are found in difficulties. Since you are choosing to stay, and presuming that you sense God wants you to stay, some important lessons are available to you.
The apostle Paul certainly was acquainted with crazy-makers. He was subjected routinely to people who wanted to cause him harm. In the midst of those struggles, he offered this encouragement:
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Paul wrote those words while he was being treated horrifically. He was repeatedly thrown in prison, shipwrecked, scoffed at, and scorned. He had a “thorn in the flesh” that he asked the Lord to remove but that was never taken away. Amid these struggles he counsels us to “give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
I am reminded of the great analyst Viktor Frankl, who suffered in Nazi concentration camps. In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl described the moment at which many prisoners learned to be helpless. At one camp, a guard turned to the prisoners as they entered and told them they would never leave. According to Frankl, those who bought into this way of thinking soon died. Those who rejected the guard’s ominous prediction and retained a belief that “this too shall pass” had a much higher rate of survival. Frankl had a strong belief that suffering ceases to be suffering when we find meaning in the experience.
Meaning is available to you in your current experience. Rather than feeling like a victim, choose instead to learn as much from the experience as possible.
I hope by now you have an inkling of your direction. Have you been able to identify an aggressor you need to confront or an egotist who needs a dose of humility? Perhaps you have a sufferer friend who has perfected the art of being a victim, and you are dying to set healthier boundaries for yourself.
The key is being committed to the process. You need to have clarity about your goal and the determination to follow through with it.
At this writing, I am in my tenth week of piano lessons. As a fifty-something, trying to get my fingers to do all this strange stuff is no easy matter. I started out strong, practicing half an hour a day, just as my teacher told me. But then came a media tour, a speaking engagement, and a vacation. Suddenly, my enthusiasm waned, and I felt like a victim of the best-laid-plans scenario.
You are probably wired a bit like me—long on good intentions, a bit shorter on follow-through. If so, I can offer a few tips that are helpful to me.
One, keep your eye on the prize. Remember why you are practicing the tools offered in this book. Be careful about slipping back into mindless reactions. Be like the apostle Paul, who said “I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” (Philippians 3:12).
Two, keep your goal simple and practical. You will do better if your objective is measurable and clear. You can keep some practical steps written on your refrigerator:
• Don’t let Mom hook me into talking about my brother.
• Don’t get angry when Jim starts escalating with me.
• Tell Joan I’m not going to argue with her about our daughters.
You gain power when you choose how you want to respond and then follow through.
Three, feel the joy that comes from following your mission. Meaning and delight can come from pursuing our goals and passions. If setting healthier boundaries is a new passion for you, remember to celebrate each one you set.
Fourth, don’t measure progress by the way others react. Measure progress by how well you do at following through with your goals. If you are able to be assertive with a friend, celebrate your ability to take this step, regardless of how the friend responds. Be true to your core values.
Finally, remain mindful. In much of my work with people I ask them to keep a journal—an effort I propose to encourage mindfulness. I want them to be aware, conscious. Too often, I’m reactive, and I want to be less reactive and more active. I want to make better choices and can only do so if I am aware of the choices I currently make and their consequences. Notice the way you act with the crazy-makers in your life. Notice what works and what doesn’t. Even this simple exercise offers a hint of detachment and will bring some measure of peace.
Jesus is our ultimate example of being committed to change in spite of the circumstances. He came to earth with a singular mission and followed it completely. He came to earth to bring hope and salvation to a lost people—and doing so would require change from us. He chose a path of humility, and our attitude should mirror His.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross (Philippians 2:5-8).
You have difficult decisions to make. Perhaps you will choose to stay involved with the crazy-maker in your life, in which case you’ll need all the tools discussed in this book in order to maintain your personal health and well-being. Perhaps you will decide to stay but practice detachment, or perhaps it is time to leave because the chaos is simply too much to endure. Whatever your decision, know that safety is available to you.
The Scriptures are clear—you are safe in the cleft of the rock that is God. The psalmist uses the imagery of protection in the rock 24 times. “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold” (Psalm 18:2).
These are not just words to make us feel better. Protection from the hooks of the crazy-maker is a spiritual reality. Does that mean we will always be delivered from their onslaught? No. It means we will find peace that passes understanding. Even when dealing with crazy-makers, we can know peace. We attain that peace in one way—finding protection in the Rock.
God bless you in the days ahead as you embark on changes that are sure to improve your life. I say with the apostle Paul, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).