Control your emotions or they will control you.
—CHINESE PROVERB
Dad, I’m sooo tired. Can I stay home today?” my daughter said with sleepy eyes, barely raising her head from her pillow.
“Of course, honey—good idea,” I said before quietly closing her door and moving on to my son’s room. Being the good dad I am, I wanted her to get as much rest as she needed and to just get up whenever she thought it time.
“Hey, buddy, it’s time to wake up. Bus will be here in forty-five minutes.”
No response but a light snore followed by, “Sleepy . . . Can I go in late, please?”
“Well . . .”
“Please, Dad?”
“Okay, sure thing, son,” I said. “Sleep is much more important than your English test. You can go whenever you wake up and feel like going.”
At that exact moment, my alarm went off and, boy, was I grateful to wake up from this nightmare. Let my kids sleep late just because they felt like it? I don’t think so! Raising five kids, Tammy and I discovered the great paradox of sleep: when they’re little, you can’t get them to sleep, and when they’re older, you can’t get them to wake up! Getting everyone to bed on time and up on time used to feel like working the air-traffic control tower at O’Hare.
As frustrating as it was at times, both for them and for us, we knew we had to make this choice. While the kids thought we were trying to torture them, we loved them and simply wanted what was best for them in the long run. Parents can see the value that today’s choices have on tomorrow’s success. If we let our kids live according to what they felt like doing, then they would never sleep well, eat healthy food, or go to school. Most of the time, doing what’s best for our children directly contrasts with what they feel.
The Folly of Feelings
Kids aren’t the only ones who prefer to live by their feelings as opposed to what’s best for them. The same is true for many adults. Consider the way many of us act when we’re dealing with relationships. When we’re infatuated or, heaven forbid, “in love,” we become blind to logic and reality and only want to do what’s best “for the relationship.” Many bad decisions are made when feelings are in control. And then our feelings fade. Whether it’s feeling in love or road-rage angry, those emotions eventually pass like a storm front.
God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
In fact, the compulsion to lead with our feelings is probably one of the greatest challenges to living by faith. Many times I’ve sat across from another man in our church who is trying to justify leaving his wife so he can be with his new “soul mate.” His rationale is that God wants him to be happy, right? So isn’t it better to be with the person he “truly loves” rather than the woman he married all those years ago when he was “in a different place”? My response is never what these guys want to hear, but it’s always the same: God is more interested in your character than your comfort. He would rather have you holy than happy.
It’s not that feelings are bad or dangerous in and of themselves. God made us to be emotional creatures who feel deeply. No, the problem with feelings is one of emphasis, of order, of priorities. Simply put, our choices must lead and our feelings will follow. If we only make decisions based on how we feel in the moment, then our decisions will lead us into all kinds of trouble. We simply can’t rely on our feelings to guide us.
You may have heard this comparison before, but it’s a good one. Our feelings are like fire. When contained and focused properly, fire gives us warmth, cooks our food, and refines metal. But when left unchecked, a spark can become a wildfire in a matter of seconds, burning millions of acres. The same fire that provides so many benefits when contained by a brick fireplace can reduce everything in its path to ash when given free rein.
Our choices must lead and our feelings will follow.
Similarly, our feelings have wonderful potential to help us experience the joy, peace, and fullness of being alive. The psalmist wrote, “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Ps. 37:4). Notice that it’s only after we take delight in the Lord that he gives us the desires of our hearts. Because when we are focused on God and delighting in our relationship with him, the desires of our hearts naturally revolve around what he wants for our lives. In other words, because we’ve made a choice to place God first in our lives, our emotions follow our will.
Remember, feelings are a gift from God—they’re not the problem. The problem is when we allow our feelings to make choices and motivate our actions. If we want to stand strong in a bow-down culture, we must first choose whom we will serve and then contain the fiery power of our emotions so they can be used in constructive ways to love God and serve others.
If It Feels Good . . .
Even when we place God first in our lives, it doesn’t mean we won’t be tempted to let our feelings occasionally lead us. All throughout Scripture, we see numerous stories about people who followed their feelings, especially when they weren’t following God. In fact, the people of Israel did just that, as recorded in the book of Judges: “At that time there was no king in Israel. People did whatever they felt like doing” (21:25 MSG). Just as we experience today, following their emotions led to the Israelites’ downfall. Letting our feelings lead the way always produces chaos.
In contrast, one of the consistent aspects we see in Daniel’s character is the way he governed himself based on choices and commitments, not feelings and fantasies. Daniel knew his motivation for saying no, which enabled him to give the king the same answer in various circumstances—from the time he was beckoned to eat the monarch’s unhealthy diet to the time he had to watch his three friends face the fiery furnace rather than denounce their faith in God. When it became even more personal and Daniel himself was thrown into the lions’ den, his natural feelings of fear, anxiety, and perhaps even anger were probably multiplied.
But regardless of what Daniel may have felt, his faith—like his convictions—remained solid through and through. They were not based on his mood, comfort, or ability to understand or agree with what God was doing. Despite the full range of human emotions Daniel may have experienced throughout his seventy years in captivity, he chose to exercise his own free will in refusing to back down when faced with the cultural pressure of the Babylonians. His decisions were not based on circumstances, excuses, or rationalizations. They were based on his trust in God.
We have the same ability to choose. God doesn’t want us to be his puppets; he loves us enough to let us choose between saying yes to him and no to our flesh or saying no to him and yes to our own desires. When he gave us that free will, it opened the door for us to make selfish, feelings-based choices, away from him. This is the very issue that caused Adam and Eve to sin, and it’s the same problem prevalent in our culture today.
So many people believe that Christianity is no longer relevant to our culture or our needs, both individually and corporately. Relying on God’s Word as the basis for making choices is seen as an outdated way of thinking and living. But that’s simply not the case. In fact, the Bible predicts this very philosophy. We see this clearly in the New Testament’s collection of letters written to the Corinthian church. In many ways, the city of Corinth had a lot in common with our American culture today. It was quite wealthy, humanistic, and arrogant. It placed human intellect above spiritual law and hedonistic pleasure above self-discipline and obedience to God. “If it feels good, do it!” could easily have been a bumper sticker on chariots in Corinth.
Paul hit the Corinthian culture head-on by challenging its reliance on the “wisdom of the world.” He pointed out the difference between someone who lives only for themself and someone who lives for Christ:
For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”
Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? (1 Cor. 1:18–20)
Notice the progression of Paul’s thinking here. The world thinks Christianity is archaic, but we know differently because we’ve experienced the power of God to change our lives (v. 18). God frustrates and destroys the world’s wisdom, which only frustrates worldly people even more (v. 19). This is important because it establishes that we don’t have to argue our beliefs. In the end, God’s way works and all other ways don’t. God’s truth is self-evident. It’s not up to us to convince nonbelievers that God’s way is the right way. But we can lovingly engage in conversations in which we seek to understand where they’re coming from and what they’ve been through. We can be a constant source of encouragement in the life of someone who doesn’t know God.
Finally, Paul concluded that God’s ways, which are higher than anyone’s ability to comprehend, make the wisdom of the world look foolish (v. 20). Paul explained, “For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength” (v. 25). This must be our theme as we engage with the culture and its worldly wisdom. As believers, we must affirm this principal truth regularly. Because all of hell wants us to replace God’s truth with the “new norm.”
Feelings vs. Faith
So how did we get to this place where our feelings are more accepted than God’s wisdom? For that matter, how does any generation arrive at this brink of desperation? I’m a firm believer that you can’t fix something you can’t see, so let’s consider the main components that have led us to our world today. These are the same two ingredients present anytime we allow ourselves to be consumed by the culture around us.
First, we followed our feelings instead of our faith.
Despite what God’s Word says, and in spite of our own past experiences, we still tend to think our feelings can be trusted. We think reality consists of whatever we feel. Regardless of what our feelings may be, we assume that they reflect how God made us, therefore earning his stamp of approval. As I said before, it’s good to have feelings—they help us engage with God, other people, and the world around us in extraordinary ways. But it’s not okay to call our feelings our truth. God is the only One who has cornered the market on truth. Our emotions, opinions, and desires don’t determine truth. It’s not a subjective commodity to be determined by each individual. God’s eternal truth exists regardless of what we feel or don’t feel.
In many cases, our feelings leave us vulnerable to temptations. The apostle Paul warned us about letting our feelings take over: “So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace” (Rom. 8:6 NLT). Keep in mind that being tempted is not wrong. After all, Jesus was tempted, but he never gave in and committed a sin. So we shouldn’t shame or condemn anyone—including ourselves—simply for having feelings or for feeling a certain way. As long as we seek God more than anything or anyone else, then we should embrace feelings in a healthy way and use them to further our purpose and enjoyment of life. As long as we’re willing to repent of our sins and accept God’s grace and forgiveness, we can focus our feelings to follow our faith.
As long as we’re willing to repent of our sins and accept God’s grace and forgiveness, we can focus our feelings to follow our faith.
The real test comes when we have to decide how we will define sin in our lives and the lives of others. Will we agree with God’s definition of sin based on his Word? Or will we, instead, trust our feelings to be our guide?
Second, we trusted ourselves more than we trusted God.
Here’s the real reason we ended up culturally bankrupt: we think we know best. We think we know best about marriage, sex, parenting, money—about everything. But who are we to define something we didn’t create? Doesn’t it make more sense that the One who created it would know more? Are we going to trust culture’s new norm, or are we going to trust God?
It’s time to make a break. It’s time to refuse to follow the norm. It’s time to refuse to abandon our faith. The world may think we’re old-fashioned, but we know that God’s truth is the source for true liberation and authentic freedom. His principles don’t constrict and inhibit us; they give us full, abundant life. They give us peace, joy, purpose, and fulfillment.
The world promises that if we follow our own bliss, we’ll find happiness. But I have yet to see anyone who attests to this. In fact, the evidence continues to point in the opposite direction. Recent research comparing teens who lack a solid, biblical belief system with their peers who have one reveals that teens who lack a solid, biblical belief system are:
• 225% more likely to be angry with life
• 216% more likely to be resentful
• 210% more likely to lack purpose in life
• 200% more likely to be disappointed in life
• 200% more likely to steal
• 200% more likely to physically hurt someone
• 300% more likely to use illegal drugs
• 600% more likely to attempt suicide1
If these statistics break your heart, I’m with you. I can’t help but think about the teens in our neighborhoods, classrooms, and communities whom these numbers represent. What a reminder that we have to choose first and let our feelings follow. Without having a basis for our beliefs that’s grounded in ultimate truth, we will succumb to the roller-coaster ride of living by our emotions. One day we’ll be up, then the next we’ll be disappointed and angry, and on another we’ll be afraid. Our moods often swing 180 degrees based on a variety of factors—circumstances, physical health, diet, and relationships with other people. God’s truth, however, remains the same yesterday, today, and forever.
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
So what’s the secret to not being a “feelings-based” Christian? The Bible couldn’t be clearer: we must learn to crucify our flesh and live like Jesus. Paul explained, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Gal. 2:20).
I realize this probably isn’t the solution you wanted to hear. Whenever I preach on this passage, I know it’s not a message that’s going to attract new members and grow the church. Instead, it’s a message that’s going to grow people into being more like Jesus Christ. This is where the rubber meets the road and we put what we believe to the test of daily life.
Jesus faced this dilemma long before he was arrested and hung on a cross to die. He taught this principle of sacrificing our selfish desires to accomplish what his Father calls us to do. Nearing the end of his earthly ministry, Christ had a heated exchange with one of his disciples over this very issue:
From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.
Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!”
Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” (Matt. 16:21–25)
Notice Peter’s frustration and anger in this situation. Like many of Jesus’ disciples, he assumed Christ had been sent to establish an earthly kingdom. But God’s plan was much bigger than this. He wasn’t establishing a social, political, or military kingdom; he was establishing an eternal, heavenly, forgiven kingdom. But Peter wasn’t getting this at the time. He was simply upset that his agenda wasn’t happening.
Instead of becoming the new king of Israel, Jesus told his disciples, he would be falsely arrested, sentenced to death, and executed like a common criminal. This must have boggled Peter’s mind! You can always tell if you’ve gone back to your old way of life by your level of frustration when you don’t get what you want.
But notice how the Master responded to Peter’s abrupt outburst. I suspect he wasn’t even addressing Peter; instead, Jesus spoke directly to the Enemy at work within the situation. Basically, he said, “You’re not focusing on God’s perspective and plan here; you’re focused on a limited, human view.” This is the root issue of the problem with putting our feelings first: they lie. They are not accurate about the things that matter most.
Then Jesus gave the solution, and it’s a painful remedy: deny yourself and give up what feels like life to you and take up your cross. To follow Jesus and have new life—eternal life—something has to die. Following him and not the way of the world often hurts. I like to think of this friction as spiritual growing pains.
It’s a hard message to hear, and it sounds counterintuitive. To find life, we have to lose it. The great irony, of course, is that if we follow Christ and put to death our old way of life, then we discover the freedom and joy that only comes from knowing and loving him. This is the source of true life! Paul, writing to the Romans, described it this way: “For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—because anyone who has died has been set free from sin” (Rom. 6:6–7).
We want God to change our circumstances. But God wants to change us.
Too often we want God to change our circumstances. But God wants to change us. He wants us to grow and mature and develop fully into the men and women he created us to be. When self dies, we are set free. Our Father loves us so much and wants us to choose to give up what can’t make us happy—even though we may feel like it can—to gain true eternal joy. If you let him change you, you will be the happiest person you know!
Living the Crucified Life
The “crucified life” is not something many of us understand—or want to understand. How, exactly, do we live this “crucified life”? What does it look like? How do we live out this paradox that to live we have to die?
Once again, we find wisdom in Paul’s letter to the Galatians. There he mentions crucifixion three separate times.
Too Much You, Not Enough Him
The first instance of crucifixion occurs in the verse we read earlier in this chapter: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live” (Gal. 2:20). This makes it clear we must crucify self. This process begins during our salvation experience, which many people often consider a one-time event—you know, that time you walked down to the front of the church and prayed for Jesus to forgive your sins and enter your heart.
But Paul indicates that our salvation involves ongoing crucifixion of our fleshly desires: “I face death every day” (1 Cor. 15:31). Paul learned the discipline of dying daily to keep from going back to his former habits and ways of life. Again, what does this look like, practically speaking?
Every day I want to see how low I can go. Less of me. More of him.
While dying to self varies in particular actions, I believe it begins with an attitude of daily humility. Every morning when I wake up, I thank God and give him my life again for the rest of that day. Every part of my body, my time, my energy, my resources—everything I have, I give to him yet again. I like to kneel during this prayer time of full submission to my Lord each day because it reminds me, “He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less” (John 3:30 NLT, emphasis mine). Every day I want to see how low I can go. Less of me. More of him.
If you’re not enjoying your life, if it doesn’t feel like you’re experiencing the full, abundant life Jesus said he came to bring us, then the problem likely starts in one place. There’s too much you and not enough him.
Battle of the Beach
Paul’s second reference to crucifixion in Galatians says, “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires” (5:24). This is basically crucifying our sinful nature, those natural feelings and desires and longings apart from God. This kind of death may be the most painful, because our flesh is directly tied in to our feelings.
We all have passions and desires that don’t line up with God’s Word. Too often we make excuses for them and justify the actions and behaviors they precipitate. “Sorry, that’s just who I am. That’s the way God made me. Just my particular predisposition and orientation. Nothing I can do to change it.”
No, this is our flesh talking! We can’t make excuses for our sinful appetites and natural weaknesses or accept them simply as part of who we are, as if there’s nothing to be done but give in to them. We don’t have to listen to our passions. We can crucify them and find real freedom.
Listen: if I followed my feelings and listened to my flesh, I wouldn’t be a pastor right now. I have feelings and physical desires every day that are in conflict with God’s Word. Just as many men experience, one of my greatest battles involves feelings of attraction to women who are not my wife.
For this reason, I absolutely hate going to the beach. I hate everything about it—the sun, the sand, the heat, the sunburn, the sunscreen, the water, the jellyfish. And, most of all, I hate going to the beach because I know I’ll have to do battle. It’s a given that on almost any beach there will be women exposing most of their bodies. Many of these will be beautiful, attractive, and alluring. So I will inevitably have to engage in a battle against my flesh, which would love to flirt, chat, and do a whole lot more with these women.
But I’ve already made choices. To honor God and obey his Word. To love my wife and to honor the vows of marriage to which I committed. To respect my position as a shepherd of God’s people and to maintain my integrity as a leader who inherently sets an example for others. These choices were made long ago. My line in the sand, as I shared with you earlier, has been drawn.
Because I have made these choices, when my feelings threaten mutiny, I don’t accept them. Instead, I crucify them. My feelings don’t define me. My choices do.
Can you see, then, why our pleasure-first culture is so troubling? It’s like slow-motion, spiritual suicide. So many people justify their actions because of their feelings. “I have to live my own truth,” people often say to me, “because that’s just how I feel.” I see the self-destructive path they’re on and want to warn them and yell (but usually try to talk at normal volume), “Nooo—you don’t! You don’t have to believe what the world is telling you. There is something better. Your feelings don’t define truth—only God does!”
We know what our flesh wants. And we must decide to put it to death every day.
Many people today say, “Let me love however I feel like loving.” They justify practices in direct conflict with Scripture because it’s what their physical bodies desire and want to do. I don’t deny those desires are real; I just know that feelings cannot be trusted to define truth.
When those engaging in premarital sex, practicing homosexuality, or indulging in any other sexual sin justify their actions on the basis of their natural feelings, I always want to ask why they think they should get a free pass. In other words, God calls us to consciously put away our natural inclinations toward sin, so why would anyone be exempt from this and be allowed or even encouraged to act on their sexual feelings regardless of what God has said in his Word?
Every morning when we wake up, we must make choices. We know what our flesh wants. And we must decide to put it to death every day. The Bible says, “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. . . . But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD” (Josh. 24:15, emphasis mine).
Who are you serving today?
Who do you want to serve?
What needs to die for you to have life?
What fleshly desires must you crucify?
Choices and Changes
Paul answered these questions with his third and final reference to crucifixion in Galatians: “May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world” (6:14). Paul’s secret was to use the cross of Christ as a filter for viewing the world. Jesus was Paul’s standard and reference point, his true north on life’s compass, the basis for evaluating everything he encountered.
Paul is well known for his travels throughout the ancient world, where he encountered a variety of cultures and religious practices. He likely faced temptation in a variety of forms, from sensual and lustful pursuits like the ones he found in Rome to temptations to abandon his calling and settle down in one safe, comfortable locale. But filtering these opportunities through the cross of Christ, Paul realized that they would be sinful, fulfilling his own desires and not God’s standards. These temptations would lead him away from God instead of closer to Christ.
We’ve all got to make some decisions about how connected to the world we are going to be, how much we will allow it to sway us toward what feels good or toward what God says. So how will you know what should and shouldn’t be in your life? You have a Holy Spirit who will convict you. And you have a Bible that shows you the standard of God. Between the two of them, you will know.
Another helpful indicator will be the fruit your life is producing. If you’re too immersed in the world, then you will have worldly fruit, much like we saw earlier when Paul wrote to the church in Rome (Rom. 7:4). The natural outcomes of me-first living will ultimately come to light, and it will be hard to see a distinction between your life and that of the world. If this is you, then you likely need to hit pause and reflect on the role your feelings currently have regarding your decisions and behavior.
At some point, if we really want lasting change, then we have to stop marching to the drumbeat of the world. Many of these choices to say no to culture, to say no to our own desires, may seem abrupt, painful, and severe. I remember when I got saved at age fifteen, I immediately felt compelled to make some dramatic lifestyle changes. It wasn’t easy, but I was so on fire for the Lord that I had no doubt about what I must do to follow him.
For one thing, I knew I had to get out of the high school I’d been attending. It was named Woodlawn, but everyone called it “Weedlawn,” if that tells you anything. So I talked to my parents and then switched to a Christian school. It wasn’t perfect, but it was definitely an improvement.
My lifestyle change also included dropping out of the four-man rock band I’d been in. I’ve already told you about my decision to stop listening to secular rock music, but let me explain the backstory. Prior to accepting Christ, I had lied to my parents—telling them I was spending the night at a friend’s house to go with my band buddies to hear the Doobie Brothers at the Baton Rouge Civic Center downtown. Sitting there in a cloud of green smoke (remember, it was the late seventies), I about had a heart attack when the band came out and opened with “Jesus Is Just Alright.” I thought, Oh no! They’re mocking Jesus—I am seriously going to hell for this!
I also stopped dating my girlfriend at the time, Darla. I had been so excited to date her in the beginning because I loved having a cute girlfriend with that name. It reminded me of Darla on The Little Rascals. When I broke up with her, she was furious and had a hard time believing my reason. “Don’t you trust me to respect your faith?” she asked. To which I said, “Look—I trust you just fine. It’s myself I don’t trust!”
I’ve certainly had to take other dramatic steps over the years, but those early ones stand out in my mind. As painful as they were, I’ve never regretted choosing my relationship with God over my friends, rock music, and girls. I took my faith seriously and took the Bible’s exhortation to heart: “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. . . . I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty” (2 Cor. 6:17–18). What things might God be asking you to let go of?
Separation is never easy, but it is essential for your spiritual growth. Our self-sufficiency, independence, and cultural affluence often lead us to believe that our feelings determine our truth. We assume if our emotional experience is powerful enough, then it must be true. Yet if we obey our feelings rather than God’s Word, it will always end badly. Bottom line: we must trust God and not ourselves. As the book of Proverbs puts it, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (3:5–6).
The choice is yours.