The more a man judges, the less he loves.
— HONORÉ DE BALZAC
Self-judgment is a modern epidemic. How often do we swim in self-critical thoughts about others and ourselves? In my previous book, Make Peace with Your Mind, I chronicle how frequent and painful the inner critic can be. In this chapter I want to highlight both the ways we judge others and the ways we turn that harsh lens toward ourselves in negative and unhelpful ways, which all too often leave painful scars.
We live in a judgmental culture and in an era of endless social comparison. As I’ve discussed, social media fuels our habit to judge and compare ourselves by externalized standards. Who doesn’t find themselves comparing their life to the heavily curated but “perfect” lives posted on Instagram or Facebook? Such comparisons leave many teenagers and adults in constant angst.
With our brain’s hard wiring to a negativity bias, our tendency can be to see all that is wrong with the world, people, and ourselves. This bias selectively looks for what is deficient, problematic, or needs fixing. Yet when we live imprisoned inside that critical mind, our world becomes smaller, negative, and mean. We tend to reject people for not living up to some idealized standard. Such judgment pushes people away, and we can find ourselves isolated and alone in our tower of superiority.
Not surprisingly, we also focus that critical lens on ourselves. That provides lethal ammunition for the inner critic, which can be ruthless in its self-assessment. We can then all too easily fault ourselves for not being good enough or smart enough or for any of the number of ways that we simply don’t measure up. Such judgments leave us feeling ashamed, insufficient, and deficient or unworthy. This cycle creates a lot of unnecessary suffering.
Yet this pattern is so ubiquitous we don’t even notice it. It has become part of our mental furniture. One of my meditation teachers, Joseph Goldstein, talks about being on a long silent meditation retreat and sitting in the dining room looking around. He noticed his mind rampantly judging almost everyone in the room. Judgments arose about the way people walked (too slow or too fast), and about the quantity of food they took (too much or too little). Then he noticed judgments about people who did not seem mindful enough! As he became aware of what he was doing, he was both surprised and amused. He could see the humor of judging others for not being mindful when he himself was not mindful of his own judging mind! Sometimes the best strategy is to laugh at ourselves and the hubris of our own mind.
Mindfulness can help free us from the painful burden of this powerful mental habit. By bringing the clarity of awareness to the content of our mind, we can track the nature of our thoughts and assess whether they are helpful or harmful, to see if they point to the truth or not. With discernment we can assess whether judging others brings happiness and connection or if such critical thoughts make us feel artificially superior yet disdainful or even misanthropic. Judgments can create a sense of “otherness” that separates and excludes, leaving us alone and far from a sense of well-being.
The poison of the judging mind also erodes our sense of worth and value. If we listen to a voice that only points out our own faults, mistakes, and shortcomings, we will inevitably feel bad or even worthless. Unless we consciously attune to judgments, they can be invisible, slipping under our radar and eluding detection. They become as familiar as wallpaper, so that it feels normal for negativity and self-doubt to decorate our mental space. No wonder that, at times, we feel bad about ourselves.
But we can wake up to the impact of our critical thoughts. With awareness we can notice how such views sap our energy and make us fatigued. Sometimes our brain gets foggy when weighed down by the barrage of self-judgment. At other times we may feel hopeless or unconfident. Tracking the physical, emotional, and energetic impacts of judgment can help alert us to the inner critic’s presence.
The good news is that we don’t have to take judgmental thoughts personally or even believe them. Many arise unbidden, part of the same habits and tendencies that drive the comparing mind. Our work is also the same: to recognize judgments and meet the pain of the pattern with compassionate attention. With lucidity, we identify painful thoughts, recognize their inaccuracies, and let them go.
In one 2008 study, researchers investigated the impact of mindfulness on negative thoughts and whether the practice improved the ability to let go of negative thinking. They discovered that when people participated in a mindfulness meditation—based clinical intervention, they were able to let go of negative automatic thinking more frequently and more easily.
I have also seen this verified in my own experience innumerable times. As a teacher, I never cease to be amazed by what happens when people shine the light of attention on the inner critic. It is a delight to see just how much space and peace emerges from bringing mindfulness to the judgmental mind. And it provides a sense of empowerment to know that no matter what the current state of our mind and heart, transformation is possible through the simple yet powerful force of awareness. The following practice provides both some theoretical perspectives for working with the inner critic as well as some practical tools for constructively mitigating its impact.
• PRACTICE •
There are many ways to work with the critical mind. Like the practice “Noticing the Comparing Mind” in chapter 11, the main goal here is simply to observe your mind and to recognize and label judging thoughts as they arise. This can be done anywhere; just sit or walk comfortably in a place where you can safely turn your attention inward.
Our minds are often full of evaluations, observations, and discerning thoughts that are necessary in life. In our work, we need a critical capacity to function effectively, make decisions, strategize, and so on. In this contemplation, however, the intention is to focus on identifying negative judgments, or those often harsh, critical assessments of someone’s worth or goodness, whether that person is yourself or someone else. For example, become aware of thoughts that you or others are “not good enough,” or that you could or should have done something better.
Once you detect a judgment, label it with a phrase like “judging.” This improves your internal radar for critical thoughts. Then notice what impact the judgment has. Does it belittle someone else, or does it make you feel bad, stupid, or any number of painful emotions? In this way, awareness can help you sense the corrosive impact of judging, which in turn can help you disengage from it.
In contrast, for fun, consider counting the number of judgments that arise in a day. This can be an enlightening exercise. When you get to 232 judgments by lunchtime, you will see how ludicrous the judging mind can be.
Beyond labeling and counting, also inquire if a particular judgment is true or not. Universal statements, which include words like always and never, are usually whisperings of the judging mind. Any thought that includes could have, should have, would have reflects the perverted reasoning of the inner critic. Such generalized statements are rarely accurate.
When judgments about the past arise, you can challenge the judging mind’s view. Hindsight is 20/20, and what is done is done. Let go of criticisms of past actions based on the unfair vantage point of hindsight. In a similar fashion, question the inner critic’s assumptions. Is it true that you are bad, stupid, or unlovable? Is that true about someone else?
We tend to bestow our judging mind with unquestioned power and authority, but this risks an inaccurate self-perception. Instead, listen and question, without believing every word. Take back your right to evaluate the credibility of judgments and your own self-worth. By clarifying your relationship to the judging mind, you can reclaim your power to establish a more accurate self-perception and stable sense of well-being.
One helpful strategy with the inner critic is humor. If you can see the absurdity of judgments, you can disentangle from their hooks. Ultimately, the goal isn’t to argue with the inner critic but to have a disinterested relationship with it. Being able to laugh at the craziness of what it says creates space and distance in the same way that comedians poke fun at the absurdity of human behaviors and make us laugh at our own antics. Isn’t it amusing that the inner critic is never satisfied no matter what we do? Seeing the funny, nonsensical side of this dynamic can help take the sting out of the inner critic’s words, so that we simply roll our eyes at its jabs.
Lastly, you may notice that the inner critic becomes vocal when you feel vulnerable or threatened socially. Our judging mind jumps to help, but not in positive or constructive ways. Notice when judgments arise to defend against the criticisms of others, such as following a performance review at work. Acknowledge that the inner critic’s intention is to help us avoid rejection or abandonment, while also recognizing that its punishing and shaming are not effective ways to do that. Instead, when you feel vulnerable, see if you can treat yourself with kindness and care and avoid blaming others. That is a far more effective way to help ourselves when we are struggling, rather than adding fuel to the fire with painful self-criticism and judgments.
As you cultivate seeing and releasing judgment, notice any space or ease that arises, and if it leads to more lightness and joy. When you are less burdened by the inner critic, how does that shift how you view yourself and others? Does it allow you to see yourself and everyone else in a more accurate light? If so, notice this positive impact.
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