When I turned forty in 1987, I felt that I was reaching a kind of halftime, and I decided to take an inventory of my life. I have to admit, I wasn’t satisfied with what I discovered. Although I had set my priorities, worked hard, and stayed focused on achieving results, I wasn’t making the impact I had hoped for. My conclusion? My focus was too much on myself and reaching my potential, and not enough on connecting and working with others.
That experience helped me realize that reaching my capacity was not just about me doing my very best. It was about my relationship with others, how we could work together, and how our gifts could complete and complement one another. A decade later, the memory of this experience prompted me to write Law of the Inner Circle in The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, which is, “A leader’s potential is determined by those closest to him.”
For the last thirty years I have placed my relationships with key people at the top of my priority list. That changed my focus from me to we. The result? Beautiful, productive, long-term relationships that have greatly improved my life—and my capacity.
The importance of these relationships in my life was highlighted for me in 2015 when my literary agents, Sealy and Matt Yates of Yates and Yates, took me out to a special dinner in Las Vegas to celebrate twenty-five years of an incredible working relationship. We laughed as we told stories about each other and the funny things that had happened over those years. We cried as we shared how our relationship had positively shaped all of our lives. We expressed our love for each other, promising to make the next twenty-five years even better than the first. We made toasts, presented gifts, gave hugs, and expressed what it meant to do life and work together.
That evening my heart was full, and I reflected on the many significant relationships in my life. I thought of Margaret, to whom I have been married for forty-eight years. Linda Eggers, my assistant, who has served me beautifully for thirty years. Charlie Wetzel, my writing companion, who has helped me write more than ninety books during the last twenty-three years. David Hoyt, my speaking agent, who joined me right out of college and has worked with me for nineteen years. Mark Cole, the CEO of all my companies, who started in the stockroom seventeen years ago and has now become irreplaceable.
These people are the reason I am enjoying so many blessings in my life. And thinking about this reminded me that the most important decision in my business life was to develop great long-term relationships with people who could help me make a difference. Relational capacity is key to personal and professional success.
In 2004 I wrote a book called Winning with People out of the conviction that people can usually trace their successes and failures to the relationships in their lives. We are defined by our relationships.
Maybe up until now your relationships haven’t been as positive, rewarding, and productive as you’d like them to be. That’s okay, because you can learn how to build better relationships and increase your relational capacity. I’ve spent some time thinking about the things I’ve done that have enabled me to establish and enjoy long-term relationships with others, and these seven steps can help you to develop stronger relationships with others.
I have a passion for adding value to people because I truly value people. The seed for valuing people was planted into my life by my father, Melvin. When I graduated from college, I asked him to give me advice as I began my career. He said, “John, every day, intentionally value people, believe in people, and unconditionally love them.” Those words have been the North Star that has guided me for more than fifty years.
You cannot increase your people capacity unless you value people and care about them. If you don’t like people, don’t respect them, and don’t believe they have value, it stands as a barrier to your success with them. You can’t secretly look down on others and build them up at the same time. However, if you value people, it shows through. And it makes the development of positive relationships possible.
What’s the fastest way to make a relationship better? Make yourself better so that you have more to give. That requires an abundance mind-set. That’s the belief that there’s more than enough for everyone and people always have the potential to find or create more. Because I believe that, I know that the more I give, the more I will have to give. I started to adopt that attitude years ago when I heard Zig Ziglar say, “If you will help others get what they want, they will help you get everything you need in life.”
Try improving yourself and your situation with the purpose of giving to others, and see what happens. As you give, I guarantee that your ability to give more will increase. It will motivate you to give of your thoughts, time, assets, relationships, influence, and giftedness.
Out of this abundance mind-set, I work at adding value to people every day. And I ask a lot of questions to discover how I can better add value to others. That’s why I’m a feedback fanatic. There is no better way to show people you value them than by asking for their opinion. I do this constantly, because I care about what people think and because knowing what’s important to them helps me to help them. For example, before every speaking engagement, I always ask the host what I can say or do to help them and add value to their organization. Communicating is about adding value to people in the audience, not about adding value to yourself.
The more you know about people and the more you improve yourself, the more you can make a difference in the lives of others. When I celebrated last year with Sealy and Matt Yates, one of the things they thanked me for was sending other authors to them. And when Church of the Highlands pastor Chris Hodges, a very close friend, played golf with me not long ago, I asked him what he was most passionate about these days. His face lit up as he talked about the college he had founded. “That has my heart. We’re training kids to be leaders and make a difference in this world.”
I love Chris. He has been a great friend who has added value to me and EQUIP, my nonprofit organization. I try to do whatever I can to add value to him, so I offered to give him a day in which I would speak at an event in Birmingham, so that he could raise funds for the college and add value to his community. And that’s what we did. After much planning and groundwork, I spoke for Chris, and he was able to raise over $700,000 for the college. It was so rewarding to do something of value for someone I love.
A friend once told me long ago, “John, you need to improve yourself. You’re not good enough to stay the same.” He was right. I wanted to get better so that I could be good. I still do. And that should be your goal, too. Get better so that you can help the people around you to get better. Whenever you make yourself more valuable, you can give more value to others, and increase your relational capacity.
Several years ago while traveling to speak at a convention, I came across this quote by author and professor Leo Buscaglia: “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Later that day I went onstage and spoke to a very large audience and had a very successful session. I left the stage to a standing ovation. I was feeling pretty good about myself, but then the Buscaglia quote came to mind and it made me realize that I had been thinking entirely about myself. My focus was entirely wrong.
As I spoke that day, I had invited people to come to me in my world. I realized that instead, I needed go to them and put myself in their world. I was scheduled to sign books for people later that same day, so I decided that would give me the opportunity I sought. I would make that time all about the people I met. I ended up spending two hours signing books, personalizing them by writing in people’s names, smiling and shaking their hands, talking to them, and thanking them for coming. I watched each person’s face as I did my best to make him or her feel appreciated and important.
That evening as I reviewed my day, I wondered, if I had the opportunity to ask those people what specific part of that day together they had enjoyed the most, what would they say? I felt certain they would choose the time when I signed books and valued them as individuals. That’s one of the reasons I’ve made signing books a priority whenever I speak. I understand the truth of Leo Buscaglia’s words, “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch.”
It’s also why, whenever possible, I try to walk around and connect with people in the auditorium before I’m scheduled to speak. When I travel internationally, the hosts usually try to separate me from the crowd. But I always want to go into their world and shake hands if I can. I make it my goal to walk slowly through the crowd. People are more receptive to my message when I’ve come to them first.
Are you familiar with the phrase “It’s lonely at the top”? I don’t like it. It’s the sign of disconnection. I tell leaders that if they’re lonely at the top, it means no one is following them. They need to get off their mountain or out of their ivory tower, go to where their people are, and spend time with them. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
Make yourself available to the people in your life. And be alert to ways you can go to them when they need it. Sometimes you don’t even need to say a word. Just be there. Just let others know what they mean to you. A couple of years ago, a friend of mine named Kristen suddenly lost her son. She was understandably devastated. It happened when a group of us were gathered together for an event. Mark Cole, another friend named Dianna, and I went to Kristen’s hotel room. All I could do was put my arm around her. She needed the touch of a friend. We didn’t say anything to her for a long time. We just wanted to be with her and let her know we cared. That’s something any of us could do for a friend.
As I write this book I am planning my seventieth birthday. I want to do something special with all of the people who are special to me, so I’m asking those people what they would like to do with me to help me celebrate. They get to pick the month and the activity, and then we’ll do it together. I want to fill this milestone birthday year with fun things each month that my friends love. I did the same thing the year I turned sixty. Almost a decade later, my friends still talk about what we did together during their month.
To build great relationships, you need to want more for people than you want from people. The people who want more for others and give more than they take are pluses. The ones who want and take more than they give are minuses. That’s simple relational math. I determined that I wanted to be a plus with people. With those closest to me, I want to be a plus plus. My desire is to make five relational deposits for every relational withdrawal I make from the relationship. I don’t always succeed, but it is my goal.
It has been my joy for the last twelve years to serve as a teaching pastor at Christ Fellowship in West Palm Beach, Florida. Tom Mullins, the founding pastor, and his son Todd, who is now the lead pastor, are great friends of mine. We have traveled the world together, shared great experiences, and made many memories. I preach for them on holidays and “off” Sundays to help them. However, I never take for granted the privilege they’ve given me of being on their staff and doing a few sermons a year. I never want to take advantage of them. In fact, I believe I should remain on the staff only if I am continuing to add value to them and the congregation. So each year I sit down with Tom and Todd and offer to resign my role as a teaching pastor. I make it clear that I don’t believe that our relationship alone is a good enough reason for me to be on their staff. In fact, I usually ask if it’s time for them get someone younger and more relevant for the congregation.
So far each year they have asked me to stay on the team, but they know that the next year we will meet again and discuss the situation. And one of these days, they will accept my resignation because it will benefit them. And if anything, it will enhance the relationship we have.
I never want to take any relationship for granted. I never want to assume that a relationship gives me privileges that are not mine. Assumption is a killer in relationships. It needs to be replaced with awareness. If you want to increase your relational capacity, you should be continually aware that relationships never stay the same. And they never stay alive on their own. They need cultivation. And you have to keep being intentional about adding value to continue being a plus in another person’s life.
I believe the ability to be a good friend is something that is often undervalued and overlooked today. Eric Greitens, in his book Resilience: Hard-Won Wisdom for Living a Better Life, recalls the words of Greek philosopher Aristotle to describe what it means to be a good friend. Greitens writes,
Aristotle points out that your deep and true friends—sometimes he calls them your “perfect” friends—can also be pleasant and useful, but they don’t have to constantly work at it. And neither do you. You aren’t fearful that your true friend will lose interest. With your closest friends, it’s often enough to simply be together.
Aristotle argues that such friendships are an end in themselves. It’s not that we pursue them because they will help us to live an excellent life; we make time to create such friendships because they are part of an excellent life. In fact, Aristotle suggests—and I also believe—that we can’t live our best lives or become our best selves without these kinds of friendships. The best friends support us, challenge us, inspire us. And we can do the same for them.1
What is the key to relationships like the ones Greitens describes? They are built upon consistency. Relationships that are volatile and continually up and down are not easy. They provide no relational “rest.” There is nothing pleasant about being in relationships that are continually high maintenance. You can’t be good friends with people when you have to walk on eggshells or where any conversation could lead to the end of the relationship.
To be the kind of friend Aristotle described, we must be dependable and consistent. We must be trustworthy. Our friends must know that they can depend us.
When I speak to the people who come to the conference each year to become certified as John Maxwell Team speakers and coaches, I often tell them, “Hi, my name is John, and I’m your friend.” I want them to feel my friendship from the very beginning, and I want them to know they can depend on me.
I’ve worked very hard to become consistent and dependable with the people who rely on me, and I want to share a few tips that have helped me over the years:
Poet Rudyard Kipling is credited with saying, “I always prefer to believe the best of everybody—it saves so much trouble.” He was right. I try to see people as they could be, not necessarily as they are. When you believe the best in people, you don’t feel the need to correct them or try to fix them. I often smile when I see people trying to fix others. I think, Don’t they realize that they’re not perfect, either? I only have enough time to try to fix myself—that’s a full-time job!
Believing the best in others is always the right thing to do, even if it means you may not always be right. My high belief in people may be way off sometimes, but lacking belief in others is not going to help them or our relationship. People are more apt to change because another person believes in them than when people don’t believe in them.
Too often people allow the actions of others to impact their own attitudes and emotions. They let others’ inconsistency make them inconsistent. But you need to understand that when that happens, you’ve allowed it. As humans we have the capacity to create and control our own attitudes and emotions. We need to make that choice for ourselves every day. Otherwise, people will control us.
Let me share with you what I do that helps me not to get sucked in by the behavior of difficult people. I associate two numbers with everyone I meet. The first is my belief number for them. I refer to this as putting a ten on people’s heads. I see everyone as a potential 10 (on a scale of 1 to 10). I choose to do that so that I’ll treat every person well. I also know that most people rise to the level of our expectations for them, so by seeing everyone as a 10, I’m making room for every person to rise to that level.
The second number I associate with people is based on my personal experience and interaction with them. I call this my experience number with them. While I choose in advance to make the belief number a 10, the experience number is derived from their behavior. In my interaction, if the person treats others well, keeps his word, adds value with people, has high competence, and so on, the number will be high. If the person is self-centered, dysfunctional, abusive, and negative, then the number will be low. As I gain more experience with the person, the number continually changes. If in my experience the interactions are negative and the person’s number is low, I choose to have less interaction with that person. That’s how I keep others from controlling me.
Dealing with people is sometimes difficult. As a leader, I have occasionally had to fire an individual. Letting someone go may be the right thing to do for the organization, but we should also make sure to do the right thing for the person relationally. I always ask for an exit interview to learn from the difficult experience we had, and to let the person know that I’m willing to always be a friend. If possible, I seek to continue the relationship. Sometimes the person doesn’t want that. That’s okay. I cannot determine what they are going to do. I can only determine what I am going to do, and what I will do is remain a friend to them.
Unconditional love is the greatest gift we can give another person. It allows someone to feel secure, be vulnerable, sense their worth, and discover who they really are. How do I know that? My mother unconditionally loved me! That was what her love did for me. And that’s what I want to do for other people.
I once heard President George W. Bush say to his daughter, “I love you, and there’s nothing you can do to keep me from loving you, so stop trying.” I laughed and then reflected that unconditional love can be tested, but it always passes the test.
I believe that all people long to have a consistent friend who loves them, believes in them, and is continually there for them no matter the circumstances. If you’re willing to be that kind of person for others, not only will it expand your people capacity, it will also give you a more satisfying life.
You may also be thinking, I can’t do this with everyone, because some people are just difficult. That’s true—for all of us. Debbie Ellis calls such people porcupines in her book How to Hug a Porcupine. When I was a pastor, we called such people EGRs—extra grace required. But we can all use extra grace from time to time. Maybe those who face the greatest challenges are the ones who have difficult people in their families. A friend once told me, “My family is a circus, and every day there is a different clown.” Family life is ground zero in learning how to deal with difficult people.
The advice of cartoonist Michael Leunig? “Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.” It is both difficult and simple. In the end, our goal should be to treat others better than they treat us, to add value to them in a greater capacity than maybe they expect. I love the way Brian Bethune described Nelson Mandela. The South African statesman was a fantastic example of someone with high relational capacity. Bethune said of Mandela, “He was greater than his enemies deserved; greater than the leaders of foot-dragging Western countries who later rushed to eulogize him; greater than his family, squabbling about his legacy. ‘Deep down in every human heart,’ he wrote…, ‘there is mercy and generosity.’”2 I don’t see that in myself every day. But I’m striving to cultivate it.
It has been my observation that most people do not maximize the experiences they have in life. To do so, two things are essential: intentionality on the front end of the experience and reflection on the back end. So anytime you can help another person to do those things, it becomes special for them, and it often creates a positive memory for them.
As I write this, Margaret and I are on a skiing vacation with our children and grandchildren—okay, they’re skiing, while I’m enjoying the view from the hotel. This is our second year at this ski resort. Last night during dinner, I asked two questions. One prompted reflection: “What was your favorite memory from last year?” The answers to that question brought warmth, laughter, and connectedness as each family member shared. The second question was designed to encourage intentionality: “What one thing are you going to do this year that you didn’t do last year?” Again, the responses were beautiful, yet different. We listened to one another describe experiencing, trying, and learning new things. It was fun to hear how we all wanted to get out of our comfort zones. When dinner was over, everyone was happy, and I guarantee you, they will remember that meal. Why? Because by asking those questions, I was creating a memory for my family through intention and reflection. And I try to create memories for many people, not just my family.
I recently read about a man who kept a Thanksgiving journal for his wife. What a great idea. So starting that day, I kept a Thanksgiving journal for Margaret. I paid attention to the things my wife was doing that touched my heart. I also recorded the attributes, characteristics, and qualities I appreciated in her, writing them down secretly every day. By the end of that year, I’d filled an entire journal.
When the following Thanksgiving rolled around, I surprised her by giving her the journal. It made her cry, and she told me it was the best gift she’d ever received. What was most interesting is that the whole process affected me even more than it did her. Creating the journal prompted me to look for all the positive things I could find in my wife, which directed my focus away from anything negative. It was a great win for both of us.
This has been a common theme in my life. The memories I intentionally create with others often bless me more than the people I create them for. Whenever I am with people, I am continually asking myself, “What can I do or say that will make this experience memorable for them?” It may be as simple as saying, “I remember when you said this to me,” or “I’ll never forget when we did this together.” What am I doing when I say these things? I’m showing people how much value I place on them by telling them that what they say and do is worth remembering.
Last year I was invited to have dinner at the home of golfer Jack Nicklaus and his wife Barbara to celebrate New Year’s Eve. I was the newbie in the crowd and soon learned that for thirty years the same group of friends had gathered on New Year’s Eve at the Nicklauses’ home. Close to midnight, I noticed that everyone was gathering out on the patio, so I followed them out. We then watched Jack and Barbara ring a bell on that patio as the clock struck midnight. One by one, each person rang the bell to usher in the New Year and then received a hug from Barbara and Jack, who stood nearby. What struck me as wonderful was that for thirty years, ringing that bell and receiving a hug from the hosts was a tradition that created a great memory, one that they all looked forward to each year. Jack and Barbara made New Year’s Eve special to all their friends.
Most of us have traditions and memories on special days, but I want to challenge you to make memories out of everyday experiences. How can you do that? Every time you are with people, ask yourself these questions:
• What can I say that will affirm those with me?
• What question can I ask that they will find interesting to discuss?
• What can we do that will be different and fun?
• What do I know that they would want to know?
• Do I have a secret of my own that I can tell them?
All of these can lead to great memories, and I have to tell you that the last one about a secret really works. Sharing something private is an act of inclusion; it invites others into your life, and it lets people know that you value them. Try it. Say, “Can I share something with you that I have never shared with anyone else?” Bam! You’ve got their attention. The secret doesn’t have to be big. And of course, it must be something you have permission to tell. The appeal to the people you’re with is in the fact that you told them first.
Many little things done repeatedly with high intention are better than big things done only occasionally. You can make big or small moments special for others, but you have to be intentional about it.
The final way I suggest that you increase your people capacity is to put yourself in the position to meet and spend time with the right people. Use the Power of Proximity Principle, which is, “Get next to ten people who can take you to the next level.”
I started doing this at age twenty-four. As a young pastor I wanted to build a successful church. As I mentioned earlier, one of the books that greatly influenced me was The Ten Largest Sunday Schools and What Makes Them Grow by Elmer Towns. As soon as I read the book, I knew I wanted to meet the leaders of the ten large churches he wrote about. But how could I do that? I needed to meet Dr. Towns. I figured that since he wrote the book, he must know those ten leaders.
It took some searching, but I obtained Dr. Towns’s speaking schedule and decided to attend a conference where he would be speaking in Waterloo, Iowa. At the conference I met him and shared my desire to connect with those ten leaders. With his help, I got appointments with two of them. After I met those two, they helped me get appointments with the other eight. Those meetings helped me as a young leader and set me on a path for success.
Ever since then, I have practiced the Power of Proximity. I always want to spend time with people who know more than I do, and whenever I’m with someone I respect and have gotten to know, I ask them, “Who do you know that I should know?” That question has given me a greater return in life than any other. The greatest way to know who you should know is to ask someone who knows you.
I want to encourage you to be intentional and show initiative by moving toward the relationships you desire in life. If you wait for the right people to meet you, you won’t meet the right people. I didn’t wait for all the stars to align before I took action, and neither should you. Find one star and start moving toward it.
What kind of person should you try to connect with? I’ll give you some advice I learned one evening at dinner with Margaret and our friends Paul and Vicky Saunders. That evening we were discussing the question “What’s the best advice you ever received?” At one point in the conversation, Paul said, “I’m always asking advice from people who are ten years older than me, and the question I ask is ‘What have you learned about yourself and life that I need to know?’” That stoked my curiosity, and I asked him to explain. What he then shared was filled with great common sense.
He explained that he targeted people far enough ahead of him that they had knowledge and experience he didn’t possess, but close enough to his age that they still related to what was important to him. “If I go beyond the ten-year gap,” he said, “I find that they forget what I need to know or feel it is not important. I want them to be close enough to me to know where I am in life, but far enough ahead of me to have experienced what I probably will experience over the next few years.” You could use that as your rule of thumb as you begin to seek out people to help you learn and grow.
Why is it so important for you to move toward the relationships that you need in your life? Because you need “who luck” to reach your relational capacity. That’s a concept I learned from Jim Collins, the author of Good to Great. He shared with me that the most important luck we can have in life is who luck. He explained, “Who you meet in life and develop relationships with will greatly determine your success in life.”
I know I’ve found that to be true. Without Harvey I would have never met Lou. Without Scott I would have never partnered with Paul. Without Joy I would have never enjoyed a creative conversation with Pat. Without Dave, I would have never heard Linda or started creating with her. Without Dan, I would have never connected and collaborated with Kevin.
Who do you know that knows someone you should know? You are only one person away from the who luck that you need in your life. Don’t allow yourself to say, “I will never be successful because I haven’t met the right person.” Instead say, “Success is within my control, and I will look for other people who can add to it.”
People capacity really does make a huge difference in a person’s life. And your people capacity will go to a new level once you realize how much you need the right people in your life. Philanthropist Andrew Carnegie declared, “It marks a big step in your development when you come to realize that other people can help you do a better job than you could do alone.” You receive the help of those people when you’re willing to say, “I need you.” In my early days I might say, “I want you,” but not “I need you,” because I still thought I could do things on my own if I had to. But after a while, I discovered that I couldn’t be successful alone, and had to have the help of others. Then I was willing to say, “I need you.” And I learned that people really only desire to help someone who can’t make it without them.
I know that this can be challenging for some people. You may be someone who isn’t naturally good with people. You may be thinking, I’m not a people person. If that’s true, then this capacity category may not be a natural strength. But you can still become better and increase your capacity. One of the most effective ways to do this is to ask people with strong relational skills to help you. Let them complement and complete you. Remember, you can draw people to you by saying to them, “I need you.”
My son Joel is brilliant. Not just smart—brilliant. Ask him anything and he can give you an answer. And he is highly gifted in the area of technology. He has become a successful young businessman, and I’m very proud of him. However, he is not a natural people person. Although he has worked hard to improve this area, he has also worked hard at bringing people around him who complement and complete him. You can do the same.
The more you value people, put yourself into their world, seek to add value to them, and be their friend, the better your life will be. Not only that, but doing these things will increase your people capacity, improve your potential, and improve your life. Just remember, helping people is always worth the effort.
1. When you interact with people, where is your focus? Are you usually thinking about how you can help them, or how they can help you? What must you do to make benefiting others the focus of your relationships?
2. Which of the people in your life would describe you as a consistent friend? Which would you not? What must you change to become a consistently positive friend to everyone?
3. What relationship do you desire to move toward to improve your life and capacity? What is the first step you must take to facilitate the connection?