What is one of the most boring and tiresome words ever? Responsibility. It’s a word you’ve probably heard repeatedly from every authority figure at every time of your life. There is nothing sexy or exciting about that word, yet it is the first topic that I want to discuss in this section of the book on choices you can make to maximize your potential. Why? Because it is foundational to most of the other important choices we make in our lives.
Not everyone gets this. Many years ago, I came across an article about a man who wanted seemingly everyone else in the world to take responsibility for him, including God! Here’s the article:
SYRACUSE, New York (AP)—A Pennsylvania man’s lawsuit naming God as a defendant has been thrown out by a court in Syracuse.
Donald Drusky, 63, of East McKeesport, [Pennsylvania,] blames God for not bringing him justice in a 30-year battle against his former employer, the steelmaker now called USX Corp.
The company fired him in 1968, when it was called U.S. Steel.
“Defendant God is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no corrective action against the leaders of his Church and his Nation for their extremely serious wrongs, which ruined the life of Donald S. Drusky,”… the lawsuit said.
Drusky wanted God to return his youth and grant him the guitar-playing skills of famous guitarists, along with resurrecting his mother and his pet pigeon. If God failed to appear in court, federal rules of civil procedure say he must lose by default, Drusky argued.
U.S. District Judge Norman Mordue last week found the suit against God, former presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush, the television networks, all 50 states, every single American, the FCC, all federal judges, and the 100th through 105th congresses to be frivolous.1
It’s easy to laugh at such an outrageous abdication of responsibility in another person. But the truth is that all of us have a tendency to blame others for our circumstances and even our choices. We need to overcome that tendency if we want to increase our capacity and live a life with no limits.
Responsibility may not be the most exciting subject, but it is one of the most impacting. And if you’re willing to make choices that increase your sense of responsibility, you will see a corresponding increase in your success. Here’s why:
Novelist and editor Michael Korda observed, “Success on any major scale requires you to accept responsibility.… In the final analysis, the one quality that all successful people have… is the ability to take on responsibility.” Winston Churchill, one of the greatest leaders of the twentieth century, expressed that same sentiment this way: “The price of greatness is responsibility.” That is as true today as it was when Churchill led England in resisting Germany’s aggression during World War II.
I’ve understood the positive impact responsibility can have on a person’s life for as long as I can remember, even though I was not especially responsible as a kid. I liked to play more than anything else. But my parents worked hard to prepare me for life. My father would often quote Luke 12:48 to me: “To whomsoever much is given, much shall be required.” A more modern version says, “Great gifts mean great responsibilities; greater gifts, greater responsibilities.”2 I heard those words echoing in my head as a kid every time I thought about going off track. And eventually, they took hold.
When I was a young man just beginning my career, I was eager to find and seize opportunities. To temper my eagerness and ambition for success, before embarking on an opportunity, I would often ask myself, “Would I be willing to sign my name to this?” In other words, was I willing to be responsible for everything good or bad that accompanied the choice to pursue this opportunity? Asking that question often prompted me to pass on the opportunity or to pursue a different course of action.
Today, after asking myself that question thousands of times over for over fifty years, here is what I know:
• The size of the opportunity requires the same amount of responsibility.
• Opportunity is lost when responsibility is neglected.
• Tomorrow’s opportunity is determined by yesterday’s responsibility.
One of the reasons successful people are successful is that they see and seize opportunities. Often we see them going through doors of opportunity, making the most of them, and we think to ourselves, I wish I had that chance. We see the results, but what we often don’t see is the deep level of personal responsibility they had to take to make the most of the opportunity. Without increasing their responsibility capacity, they could not have increased their opportunity capacity.
In 2015, I wrote the book Intentional Living to help people get control of their lives. Recently I came across a quote by author Roshan D. Bhondekar, and thought, I wish I could have shared his thought in that book. Here’s what he wrote:
Many people think about their lives as something that just happens to them instead of something that they can control themselves. They drift through life reacting to the actions of others instead of taking steps on their own behalf. Such people are like rudderless boats on the ocean, completely at the mercy of the tides to take them wherever they will. People who don’t know where they are going usually end up where they don’t want to be.
In the case of a boat on the sea, sooner or later the shifting currents will run it aground or break it upon the rocks. Most people would agree that it would be much better if someone steered the boat past the danger and out into clear waters instead. People are just the same. If we don’t take control of the direction our lives will take, we leave ourselves to the mercy of others, often with disastrous consequences.3
The way you take control of the direction of your life is to take responsibility for yourself and your everyday actions.
People who embrace responsibility and take control of their lives see dramatic results. Recently at a conference, an attendee approached me and said, “Ten years ago you gave me the greatest advice I have ever received.”
Curious, I asked, “What was it?”
“You challenged me to get control of my life, or someone else would,” she replied. “I did that. Thanks.”
I’d like to give you that same advice right now. Take control of your life. Can you control everything? No, of course not. But you can choose to control the things that are within your control. First, acknowledge that you have the ability to choose. Then, identify which parts of your life you can have control of and which you can’t. Once you begin taking charge and making choices, your life will begin to change. As former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt said, “In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”
If you’ve ever had the desire to escape from your life, taking responsibility and starting to shape your life will remove much of the temptation to do that. When you have given yourself permission to live the life you want, you begin to own yourself and no longer need the permission of others to do what you know is right for you. It is at that point that you begin to maximize your capacity.
So take control of what you can control, and don’t try to control what you can’t control. Greek philosopher Epictetus said, “Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” It is important to understand the limits of your responsibility. If you don’t, you’ll create a lot of unnecessary suffering for yourself, waste your energy, and constantly feel overwhelmed.
Years ago I had a staff member on my team who was hyperresponsible. She would often try to be responsible for people and things beyond her control. Every six months she would come to my office, and together we would reestablish what her responsibilities were, and I’d confirm which things she should not be carrying. At the end of these sessions, she would always say, “Thanks, John. I feel lighter.” A key to success is carrying the weight for which you’re responsible, but dumping the weight of trying to control circumstances or other people.
Why do people often have self-esteem problems? It’s often because they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Novelist Joan Didion asserted, “The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.” People who don’t take responsibility for themselves often blame someone else for the bad things that happen, and then they start to adopt a victim mentality. That never leads to success—or to greater capacity.
When you are faced with a difficult choice to do what you know is right, yet you still do it, how does that make you feel? Doesn’t it give you a sense of inner satisfaction? Doesn’t it make you feel strong? Doesn’t it reward you internally with the sense that you did the right thing? I know it does these things for me. Repeated choices to take responsibility give you mental and emotional momentum, which only makes you feel stronger and better about yourself.
When I was in my early thirties, I was offered a great financial opportunity by a friend. At that time, Margaret and I had no money, so my friend also offered to lend me the money to finance my participation in the deal.
This was too good to be true, so I immediately said yes. But after a couple of hours, I began to have reservations. Why? My friend would be doing everything, and taking all the risks, and I would be doing nothing. I thought that wasn’t right. So the next day I again thanked him for the opportunity, but said I would only participate in the deal if I could find a way to raise the money I needed myself. I wanted to take responsibility for my part. I had recognized that if it was successful, I would have always felt bad because he had carried me the whole way, and I hadn’t carried my own weight.
It took a month of hard work and creativity for me to come up with the money, but I did it. It was my first financial investment, and it was a thrill for me. I loved having the opportunity, but I also felt good because I had taken responsibility. And though the financial return was good, the high return on my self-esteem was even better. My hope is that you experience similar returns as you choose to take responsibility for your life.
Theologian and anti-Nazi dissident Dietrich Bonhoeffer observed, “Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility.” Taking responsibility helps us to become self-starters, and self-starters do very well in life. Why? Because the fastest person is not always the one who wins the race. Often it’s the one who started first. Responsible people don’t wait around for someone else to take action. They do. So if you want to set yourself apart from the crowd, be the first to act, whether it’s to help, show up, or seize an opportunity.
Engineer, educator, and author Roghu Korrapati, in his book 108 Pearls of Wisdom for Every College Student, writes,
It is often said that your thoughts become your actions. But without taking responsibility for your life, those thoughts often just stay on that mental stage and aren’t translated into action. Taking responsibility for your life is that extra ingredient that makes taking action more of a natural thing. You don’t get stuck in just thinking and wishing so much. You become proactive instead of passive.4
Whenever I am faced with a problem, I focus my mind on the issue and remind myself that I am responsible to act. If I lack responsibility, when life calls for action, my response will be ready, aim, aim, aim… but never fire. Accepting responsibility makes you take action, not just prepare for it.
Are habits good or bad? That, of course, depends on what the habits are and what they do for—or against—us. When we apply responsibility to our habits, it directs them positively and makes them work for us.
Positive habits are decisions that we make once (like “I’ve decided to exercise regularly”), and then take responsibility to manage daily. When we make a good decision, and then manage that decision day-to-day, we can see positive results through the development of those positive habits. Without management, a good decision dies. With management, the decision lives on. That’s why decision managing is at least as important as decision making.
Conversely, when we don’t take responsibility and neglect to manage our positive habits daily, we often cultivate the negative habits of procrastination, entitlement, and excuses. Before long, those bad habits become our master.
Excuses, for example, are success stoppers. The habit of making excuses creates reasons in our minds for not being responsible for our lives. Every time we make an excuse, we fail to learn from our mistakes. Excuses put the blame on others or on circumstances, which causes you to give up the power to change your life.
Another negative habit is that of feeling entitled, the belief that whether we win or lose, we deserve a trophy. That whether we work or play, we deserve an income. Whether we do good works or act selfishly, we deserve praise. In essence, when we feel entitled, we want someone else to sponsor us in life without our making any effort of our own. Again, this bad habit masters us and distances us from responsibility.
Recently I was privileged to spend some time with Lou Holtz, a good leader, fantastic football coach, and very funny guy. He said, “The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it.” It’s okay to drop the ball once in a while. We all do. It’s not okay to drop it, blame somebody else, and expect them to pick it up!
If we abdicate responsibility, even that is a choice, and we are responsible for making it. Trying to avoid it is like a drunk driver claiming he wasn’t responsible for a fatal car accident because he was drunk. The law would argue that he was responsible before he started drinking and chose to give up that responsibility to alcohol. He remains responsible and accountable for his actions afterward.
Our first responsibility to develop good habits that serve us is to stop the losses (caused by negative habits) that threaten to define us, and start making and managing choices that declare who we are. That all begins when we choose to be responsible, which gives us the power to master our habits, and our lives.
Respect is gained on difficult ground, and it is not given or granted to us if it is unearned. Often I hear leaders lament their lack of authority. The problem? They rely on titles instead of earning authority through responsible behavior. The late Peter Drucker wrote, “Management has no power. Management has only responsibility.” I think that’s true.
Too often we hope for respect instead of earning it the hard way. We avoid the difficult conversation we need to have, and hope our problems will just go away. That doesn’t happen. Stephen M. R. Covey, author of The Speed of Trust, writes about taking responsibility for handling difficult conversations:
Say what is on your mind. Don’t hide your agenda. When we talk straight, we tell the truth and leave the right impression. Most employees don’t think their bosses communicate honestly. This creates a trust tax. This causes speed to go down and costs to go up. We spend entirely too much time trying to decipher truth from spin.5
As a young leader who wanted to make people happy, I too often told others what they wanted to hear, not what they needed to hear. I didn’t take responsibility for speaking the hard truths that good leaders take responsibility for. I no doubt created a trust tax on myself and others.
Today, I welcome responsibility and desire to earn the respect of others every day. And there are times when that desire is tested. That occurred several years ago at a speaking engagement I did for my friend Todd Duncan at a financial conference. I had spoken for Todd many times before, and I was looking forward to helping the people who would be in attendance. My message was called “Today Matters.” But as I was speaking, I could tell something wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t bad. I could just tell it didn’t serve them as well as I wanted it to.
I was scheduled to have dinner with Todd after my session and then fly out later that night. On the way to dinner, I called Linda, because I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Linda, can you look up what I spoke on last year to Todd’s group?” I asked.
“Sure. Just a sec.” I could hear Linda typing on her computer. “You spoke on ‘Today Matters.’”
I was speechless.
At dinner, I apologized to Todd.
“No problem, John,” Todd said graciously. “It was nice to hear the message a second time.”
Todd was being kind, but I knew I hadn’t given him what he needed—or what he’d paid me for. I needed to take responsibility for that. And speaking for him the next day wasn’t an option. The schedule was full.
“Todd, I want to come back next year, at my own expense, and speak again for no charge. I owe you that.” He tried to protest. “And I want to apologize to your people tomorrow morning before your first session.”
“I can do that for you.”
“No, I’m the one who made the mistake. I need to apologize to them.” And I did. I changed my flight, stayed over an extra night, and apologized to the 2,500 people in the audience, for reteaching a message that many had heard a year before.
As I drove to the airport later that morning, I knew I’d done the right thing. I’d made a mistake, but I’d taken responsibility and done what I could to make it right. And I did return the next year and spoke for Todd. And you’d better believe it wasn’t on “Today Matters.”
Eric Greitens, in his book Resilience, describes the bottom line on responsibility. He says, “The more responsibility people take, the more resilient they are likely to be. The less responsibility people take—for their actions, for their lives, for their happiness—the more likely it is that life will crush them. At the root of resilience is the willingness to take responsibility for results.”6 That willingness is also at the root of capacity.
1. In the past, have you ever connected the ideas of taking responsibility and increasing your capacity? How specifically do you think becoming more responsible could help you in your personal life and career?
2. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate yourself when it comes to being ready to take action? How might taking greater responsibility increase your readiness?
3. What positive habits would you like to cultivate that could be facilitated by taking greater responsibility? What decision must you make to start the habit, and what actions must you take daily to manage that decision?