Treat her like she’s the best because her daddy says she is his little girl. She plays sports with the boys, rides in the front seat, swears at the playoffs, and starts a gas-powered lawn mower. Daddy’s Girl Barbie doesn’t need your approval when she has his. Be tough, never feel scared to speak up for yourself. Learn to feel more comfortable in groups of guys than with girls and develop repressed sexual attraction to older men.
Comes with three sports balls, removable baseball cap, game-day T-shirt, and shorts. Two-door Jeep and disregard for the value of women sold separately.
Imagine loving your country so much you would go anywhere to escape it. Feel the power of semiautomatic weapons and the screams of hot death still not as terrifying as your own childhood trauma. Be everything you can to everybody else because that is the minimum expectation for a woman: soldier, widow, mother, and mistress. Failure is not an option, especially when substance abuse keeps one unaware of time and space.
Comes with Army fatigues, tattered bathrobe, a four-day supply of marijuana, and a stack of unopened bills. Memory of war zone fatality not included.
Though difficult to spot, he is often included with many Barbie extended-family and neighborhood editions. Comes with removable dad bod and inflated sense of self.
Know that there are amazing possibilities all around and inside. Never feel ugly and alone, because feelings are edible. Fat Girl Barbie remembers being outgoing and athletic as a child before personal tragedy upset her trajectory. Enjoy a potential for growth and artistic achievement along with a sparkling tendency toward unhealthy amounts of sex with unhealthy people. Never have enough of anything, including alcohol, Fruity Pebbles, anal, onion rings, and BDSM porn.
Comes with Thin Girl Barbie wrapped in outer frame of Fat Girl Barbie + varying degrees of self-esteem issues.
Exciting adventure awaits in the historical revisionist minefield of Judeo-Christian theology. Have your image and symbols co-opted by white nationalist agendas. Let’s not forget capitalism! Billion-dollar businesses lobby your representatives, catering to the large Christian voting bloc. Offer hope to the most vulnerable communities of color that recognize the beauty of compassion, but not tools that arrest consciousness. Only the best brown leather sandals for the son of God. Most boxes will be empty because the wonder of Jesus is often best left to the imagination.
Skin will darken or lighten under hot or cold water to satisfy owner’s racial preference.
Explore the grief of losing your most understanding and tolerant parent so thoroughly that it ages you half a lifetime in a year. Possess the maturity level of a thirty-year-old before you can legally drive a car. Marvel at your first sexual experience with another girl that is so good you cannot hold your lesbianism in till your late twenties as is expected to avoid bullying, ostracization, and sometimes homelessness. Be free in your choice of haircuts that resemble R&B singers’ from the late 1990s. Challenge the femme/butch dynamic with an androgynous makeup routine honed to perfection over ten years. Have fewer followers on social media but far more loyal friends than any straight people.
Lace-up military-style boots, lip gloss, and gold chain definitely included. Strap-on sold separately.
Transform into an adult in the blink of an eye, then back again. Teen Pregnancy Barbie is actually not one doll but three! Depending on the operator’s mood, Teen Pregnancy Barbie can wait a few months and manage a relatively easy birth to become Teen Mom Barbie or instantly become [Your Choice] Barbie. Teen Mom Barbie knows the struggle but relies heavily on familial and government support to survive, eventually transforming into [Your Choice] Barbie.
[Your Choice] Barbie has the largest accessory package of any Barbie because yes, she can be any Barbie.
Comes with Gender-Neutral Baby. Failed Birth-Control Ken sold separately.