9
It stands to reason that when a husband and wife respect each other and are open to each other’s point of view, they have a good basis for resolving any differences that arise. And yet too often couples lose their way when trying to persuade each other or settle disagreements. A conversation that could have been productive instead ends in a screaming match or angry silence. If this sounds like you, and you’re certain the problem you want to tackle is indeed solvable, then the key to resolving this difficulty is to learn a new approach to settling conflict. (The advice offered here will also be somewhat helpful in coping with gridlocked problems, but it won’t be enough. To break the stranglehold a perpetual problem has on your marriage, be sure to read about Principle 6, overcoming gridlock, in
chapter 11.)
The popular approach to conflict resolution, advocated by many marital therapists, is to attempt to put yourself in your partner’s shoes while listening intently to what he or she says, and then to communicate, with
empathy, that you see the dilemma from his or her perspective. It’s not a bad method—if you can do it. But, as I’ve said, many couples can’t—including many very happily married couples. Plenty of the people we studied who had enviable,
loving relationships did not follow the experts’ rules of communication when they argued. But they were still able to resolve their conflicts.
By studying intently what these couples did do, I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. My fifth principle entails the following steps:
1. Soften your start-up.
2. Learn to make and receive
repair attempts.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.
Most of these steps take very little training because we all pretty much have these skills already; we just get out of the habit of using them in our most intimate relationship. To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, “Here. You forgot your umbrella.” We would never think of saying, “What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?” We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings, even if things don’t go so well. When a guest spills wine, we say, “No problem. Would you like another glass?” not, “You just ruined my best tablecloth. I can’t depend on you to do anything right. I will never invite you to my home again.”
I’m reminded again of the case of Dr. Rory who was so nasty to his wife yet was able to quickly turn on the charm when a resident phoned. This is not an infrequent phenomenon. In the midst of a bitter dispute, the husband or wife answers a call and is suddenly all smiles: “Oh, hi. Yes, it would be great to have lunch. Tuesday would be fine. Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you didn’t get the job. You must feel so disappointed,” and so on. Suddenly the angry, rigid spouse has been transformed into a flexible, rational, understanding, and compassionate being—until the phone call is over.
Then he or she morphs right back into someone scowling and immovable all for the partner’s benefit. It just doesn’t have to be this way! Keep in mind, as you work your way through these steps, that what’s really being requested of you is no more than would be asked if you were dealing with an acquaintance, much less the person who has vowed to share his or her life with you.
If there’s one similarity between happy and unhappy heterosexual marriages, it’s that the wife is far more likely than the husband to bring up a touchy issue and to push to resolve it. Husbands are more likely to try to distance themselves from hard-to-face concerns. Again, there are physiological reasons for this gender gap. Men tend to experience flooding much more easily because their bodies are more reactive to emotional stress than their wives’. So they are more inclined to avoid confrontation.
But there can be dramatic differences in how a wife initiates touchy discussions with her husband. Remember Dara, who lit into her husband, Oliver, as soon as they began discussing housework? Within a minute she was being sarcastic and batting down every suggestion he made: “Do you think you really work well with lists?” and “I think you do a pretty good job of coming home and lying around and disappearing into the bathroom.”
Compare Dara’s harsh approach with that of Justine, who is happily married to Michael but has the same problem: he doesn’t do his share around the house. What bugs her most is that she always ends up folding the laundry, which (like my wife) she hates. Here’s what she says in the
Love Lab, when she broaches the topic with Michael.
JUSTINE: Okay. (deep breath) Housework.
MICHAEL: Yeah. Well, I mean, I definitely clean off the counters in the kitchen and the table whenever we do stuff. (defensive)
JUSTINE: Hm-hmm. You do. (repair attempt)
M
ICHAEL: Hm-hmm. (
He yawns, relaxed; Justine’s repair attempt was successful.)
JUSTINE: I think it’s just, like, sometimes when things are just kind of left, or the laundry just piles up … (softened start-up)
MICHAEL: Yeah. I haven’t even been thinking about laundry. (laughs) I mean, I just haven’t been thinking about it at all. (not defensive)
JUSTINE (laughs): That’s kind of cute. Who do you think’s doing it? You keep having clothes to wear.
MICHAEL: Yeah, I guess.
JUSTINE: And maybe that’s okay. But it just gets to me after a while.
MICHAEL: Well, it hasn’t even crossed my mind that, like, we have to do the laundry. (chuckles)
JUSTINE: Actually, Tim’s been folding them. [A neighbor in their apartment complex—the washer and dryer are in a communal laundry room.] I left a load in, and then when I passed by, the sheets were folded.
MICHAEL: Maybe we should put our hamper in his room?
JUSTINE (laughs): (Shared humor de-escalates tension and lowers heart rates.)
MICHAEL: So, okay, like maybe every other day or something when I first get back home from work …
JUSTINE: Yeah, you could fold what makes sense, especially towels and underwear and the sheets …
MICHAEL: Yeah, I’ll just look in the basket. (He is accepting her influence.)
JUSTINE: Okay.
Perhaps the most important quality of this exchange is the virtual absence of the
four horsemen. There is no
criticism,
contempt,
defensiveness, or
stonewalling. The reason these harbingers of doom don’t make an appearance is that Justine’s start-up is soft. In contrast, a harsh start-up usually begins the cycle of the four horsemen, which leads to flooding and, in turn, increased emotional distance and loneliness that lets the marriage wither. Only 40 percent of the time do couples divorce because they are having
frequent, devastating fights. More often marriages end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost.
That’s why it’s so important that when Michael admits that he doesn’t even think about the laundry, Justine doesn’t get critical or contemptuous. She laughs and says she thinks that’s “cute.” Because Justine is gentle with Michael, their conversation actually produces a result: they come up with a plan to resolve the conflict. Since they are able to do this, their discussion leaves them feeling positive about themselves and their marriage. That feeling is “money in the bank” for any couple—it inspires an optimistic attitude that will help them resolve the next conflict that comes along.
In another happy marriage, the big issue is that Andrea wants Dave to become more involved with the church. But she hardly bangs him over the head with a Bible. Instead she says, “Going to church is not something I need every day. But it’s a comfort.” Then she tells him, “I don’t like you going just because of me.” By the time she tells him directly, “I want a little bit more involvement from you than just Easter, Christmas, and Mother’s Day,” he is ready to compromise. “Okay, I’ll go to church on big, important days and … maybe some Sundays.”
A seven-year study of repair conducted by my former students
Jani Driver and
Amber Tabares found that taking some responsibility for the problem is a very important part of softened start-up. So if a wife is upset that her husband forgot to pick up the kids from school, it helps if she starts the conversation with, “I realize that I didn’t remind you of the schedule this morning. Still I want to talk about your forgetting that it was your turn to pick up the kids.” If you aren’t comfortable claiming some specific share of the responsibility, then try a simple statement like “I know this isn’t all your fault. I know I play a role in this issue as well.” Taking responsibility is a critical component of a softened start-up no matter whom you’re addressing. But I have found that it is especially important for wives to incorporate this into their delivery. For many men, hearing their wife acknowledge a shared responsibility is like manna from heaven and prevents tensions from escalating.
The best soft start-up has four parts: (1) “I share some responsibility for this …” (2) Here’s how I feel … (3) about a specific situation and … (4) here’s what I need … (positive need, not what you
don’t need). Instead of pointing your finger at your partner, you are pointing your finger at yourself. To convert a negative need to a positive one, focus on your negative emotions and look for the longing behind those feelings. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you wish for? What is your recipe for your partner to be successful with you right now?
In order to be effective, a soft start-up doesn’t have to be very diplomatic. But it must be devoid of criticism or contempt. In a healthy but volatile marriage, which can be very confrontational, the wife may say something like, “Hey, I know I can be a slob sometimes myself, but I’m really angry that you walked by the laundry basket last night without stopping to fold any sheets. I didn’t like having to fold them all myself.” Or: “I feel really strongly that we need to go to church together more often. This is very important to me.” These are soft start-ups because they are direct complaints rather than criticisms or contemptuous accusations.
Although the wife is usually responsible for a harsh start-up, the secret to avoiding it is for both partners to work together on the first four principles. Do this, and the wife’s start-up softens as a matter of course. So if your spouse tends to raise issues harshly, the best advice I can give is to make sure she (or he) is feeling known, respected, and loved by you, and that you accept your partner’s influence. Harsh start-up is often a reaction that sets in when a wife feels her husband doesn’t respond to her low-level complaints or irritability. So if you comply with a minor request like “It’s your turn to take out the garbage, please,” you avoid having the situation escalate into “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you deaf? Take out the damn garbage!”
If you are the one more responsible for harsh start-ups in your
relationship, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to the fate of your marriage to soften up. Remember: If you go straight for the jugular, you’re going to draw plenty of blood. The result will be war or retreat on your partner’s part rather than any meaningful, productive discussion. If you’re angry with your spouse, it’s worth taking a deep breath and thinking through how to broach the subject. Softening your start-up will be easier if you constantly remind yourself that it is the optimum strategy for resolving the conflict. If you feel too angry to discuss the matter gently, your best option is not to discuss it at all until you’ve calmed down. Follow the steps for
self-soothing before talking it out with your spouse.
Here are some suggestions to ensure that your start-up is soft:
Let’s assume that you’re angry because your spouse insisted on adopting a dog despite your reservations. He swore up and down that he’d clean up after the dog, but now you’re finding poop all over the yard. It’s certainly okay to complain. You could say something like, “Hey, there’s poop all over the backyard. We agreed you’d clean up after Banjo. I’m really upset about this. Would you please clean it up?” While this is confrontational, it’s not an attack. You’re simply complaining about a particular situation, not your partner’s personality or character.
What’s not okay is to say something like, “Hey, there’s poop all over the backyard. This is all your fault. I just knew you’d be irresponsible about that dog. I should never have trusted you about it in the first place.” However justified you may feel in blaming your spouse, the bottom line is that this approach is not productive. Even if it does lead your partner to clean up the yard, it also leads to increased tension, resentment, defensiveness, and so on.
“I statements” have been a staple of interpersonal psychology ever since the mid-1960s when
Thomas Gordon noted that phrases starting with “I” were usually less likely to be critical and to make the listener defensive than statements starting with “You.” Here’s the difference:
“You are not listening to me” versus “I would like it if you’d listen to me.”
“You are careless with money” versus “I want us to save more.”
“You just don’t care about me” versus “I’m feeling neglected.”
Clearly, the “I” statements above are gentler than their “You” counterparts. Of course, it’s possible to twist this general rule and come up with accusatory “I” statements like “I think you are selfish” that are hardly gentle. So the point is not to start talking to your spouse in some stilted psychobabble. Just keep in mind that if your words focus on how you feel rather than on accusing your spouse, your discussion will be far more successful.
Instead of accusing or blaming, just communicate what you see. Instead of, “You never watch the baby,” say, “I seem to be the only one chasing after Charlie today.” Again, this will help prevent your spouse from feeling attacked and waging a defense rather than really considering your point.
Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. Instead of, “You left the kitchen a total mess,” say, “I’d appreciate it if you would clean your stuff off the kitchen table.” Instead of, “Would you take care of the baby for once?” say, “Please change Emmy’s diaper and give her a bottle.”
Add phrases such as “Please” and “I would appreciate it if …”
If your partner has handled this situation better in the past, then couch your request within an appreciation of what your partner did back then and how much you miss that now. Instead of, “You never have time for me anymore,” say, “Remember how we used to go out every Saturday night? I loved spending so much time alone with you. And it felt so good knowing that you wanted to be with me, too. Let’s start doing that again.”
It’s hard to be gentle when you’re ready to burst with recriminations. So don’t wait too long before bringing up an issue—otherwise it will just escalate in your mind. As the Bible says (Ephesians 4:26), “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”
To see how all of these steps combine to create a softened start-up, compare what Iris says in the following two dialogues:
IRIS: Another Saturday, and once again I’m spending my free time picking up after you. The trouble with you, Richard, is that … (criticism, blame)
RICHARD: Yep, here we go again. “The trouble with you, Richard, the trouble with you, Richard.” There’s nothing wrong with me!
IRIS: Then why do I always have to tell you what to do? Never mind, I’ve finished cleaning up your stuff anyway, or were you too busy texting friends to notice? (contempt)
RICHARD: Look, I hate cleaning up. I know you do, too. I’ve been thinking about what we should do. (repair attempt)
IRIS: This I’ve got to hear. (more contempt)
RICHARD: Well, actually I was thinking that we could use a vacation. Wouldn’t it be nice for you to be waited on hand and foot? (second repair attempt)
IRIS: Come on, we can’t afford a cleaning lady, much less a vacation like that.
IRIS: This house is an incredible mess, and we’re having company tonight. (describing) I’m really upset that I’m doing all this cleaning, alone, on a Saturday. (“I” statement) Perhaps I should have asked sooner (accepting responsibility) but could you please help me. Maybe you could do the vacuuming? (being clear)
RICHARD: All right. I hate cleaning up, but I guess vacuuming is the best of the worst. I’ll do the bathrooms, too.
IRIS: That’d be a big help. (appreciation) Thank you. (politeness)
RICHARD: When we’re done, we deserve a reward—let’s go out for lunch.
IRIS: Yes!
Here are some other examples that illustrate the difference between a harsh start-up and a softened alternative:
Harsh start-up: You never touch me.
Softened alternative: I loved it when you kissed me in the kitchen the other day. You are a natural-born kisser. Let’s do that some more.
Harsh start-up: I see you dented the car again. When are you going to stop being so reckless?
Softened alternative: I saw that new dent. What happened? I am really getting worried about your driving, and I want you to be safe. Can we talk about this?
Harsh start-up: You never have time for me!
Softened alternative: I have been missing you lately, and I’m getting a little lonely.
Don’t expect your partner to automatically react with great sweetness and cooperation once you begin to soften your start-ups. He or she may still be anticipating the arrival of criticism and contempt and therefore won’t respond positively to your new, softer style. Don’t fall into the trap of giving up and escalating the conflict. Continue to broach topics gently, and eventually you will see a change in how your spouse responds, especially if you are working together on all Seven Principles.
When you take driving lessons, the first thing you’re taught is how to stop the car. Putting on the brakes is an important skill in a marriage, too. You can prevent plenty of disasters by terminating discussions that get off on the wrong foot and by shutting down
those seemingly endless cycles of recriminations. How do you do this? By using
repair attempts.
When Michael gets defensive and says, “I definitely clean off the counters in the kitchen and the table whenever we do stuff,” Justine doesn’t immediately discount his point. “Hm-hmm, you do,” she says. This is a repair attempt. It de-escalates the tension so that Michael is more receptive to finding a
compromise. What separates stable, emotionally intelligent marriages from others is not that their repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out but that repair attempts get through to the spouse. This is because the air between them hasn’t been clouded by a lot of negativity.
Remember that the key factor in whether a repair attempt is effective is the state of the relationship. In happy marriages, couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy ones, even the most eloquent repair attempt can fall on deaf ears. But now that you know this, you can “buck the system.” You don’t have to wait for your marriage to improve before you start hearing each other’s repair attempts. Start now by focusing intently on these brakes and training each other to recognize when one is sent your way. Do this, and you can pull yourselves out of a negative cycle.
Your future together can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control.
One reason couples miss each other’s repair attempts is that these messages don’t always arrive sugarcoated. If your spouse yells, “You’re getting off the topic!” or grumbles, “Can we take a break?” that’s a repair attempt despite the negative delivery. If you listen to his or her tone rather than the words, you could miss the real message, which is “Stop! This is getting out of hand.”
Because repair attempts can be difficult to hear if your relationship is engulfed in negativity, the best strategy under such circumstances is to make your attempts obviously formal in order to emphasize them. Below you’ll find a long list of scripted phrases. These are specific words you can say to your spouse to de-escalate the tension. By using them when arguments get too negative, you’ll be able to keep your discussions from spiraling out of control. Some couples even copy this list and stick it on their refrigerator for handy reference. Formalizing repair attempts by using these scripted phrases can help you defuse arguments in two ways. First, the formality of a script ensures that you will use the type of words that work well for putting on the brakes. Second, these phrases are like megaphones—they help ensure that you pay attention to a repair attempt when you’re on the receiving end.
Many, if not all, of these phrases will probably sound phony and unnatural to you. That’s because they offer a very different way of speaking with your spouse when you’re upset. But their phoniness is not a reason to reject them. If you learned a better and more effective way to hold your tennis racket, it would feel “wrong” and “unnatural” initially, simply because you weren’t used to it yet. The same goes for these repair attempts. Over time they’ll come easily to you, and you’ll modify them to more closely suit your style of speech and personality.
1. I’m getting scared.
2. Please say that more gently.
3. Did I do something wrong?
4. That hurt my feelings.
5. That felt like an insult.
6. I’m feeling sad.
7. I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?
8. I’m feeling unappreciated.
9. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?
10. Please don’t lecture me.
11. I don’t feel like you understand me right now.
12. I am starting to feel flooded.
13. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
14. I’m getting worried.
1. Can you make things safer for me?
2. I need things to be calmer right now.
3. I need your support right now.
4. Just listen to me right now and try to understand.
5. Tell me you love me.
6. Can I have a kiss?
7. Can I take that back?
8. Please be gentler with me.
9. Please help me calm down.
10. Please be quiet and listen to me.
11. This is important to me. Please listen.
12. I need to finish what I was saying.
13. I am starting to feel flooded.
14. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
15. Can we take a break?
1. My reactions were too extreme. Sorry.
2. I really blew that one.
3. Let me try again.
4. I want to be gentler toward you right now, and I don’t know how.
5. Tell me what you hear me saying.
6. I can see my part in all this.
7. How can I make things better?
8. Let’s try that over again.
9. What you are saying is …
10. Let me start again in a softer way.
11. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
1. You’re starting to convince me.
2. I agree with part of what you’re saying.
3. Let’s compromise here.
4. Let’s find our common ground.
5. I never thought of things that way.
6. This problem is not very serious in the big picture.
7. I think your point of view makes sense.
8. Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.
9. I am thankful for …
10. One thing I admire about you is …
11. I see what you’re talking about.
1. I might be wrong here.
2. Please, let’s stop for a while.
3. Let’s take a break.
4. Give me a moment. I’ll be back.
5. I’m feeling flooded.
6. Please stop.
7. Let’s agree to disagree here.
8. Let’s start all over again.
9. Hang in there. Don’t withdraw.
10. I want to change the topic.
11. We are getting off track.
1. I know this isn’t your fault.
2. My part of this problem is …
3. I see your point.
4. Thank you for …
5. That’s a good point.
6. We are both saying …
7. I understand.
8. I love you.
9. I am thankful for …
10. One thing I admire about you is …
11. This is not your problem, it’s our problem.
Now it’s time to use the above list to help you resolve an issue in your marriage. Choose a low-intensity conflict to discuss. Each of you gets to talk for fifteen minutes. Make sure you both use at least one phrase from the list during the discussion. Announce to your partner beforehand that you’re about to make a repair attempt. You can even refer to the attempt by number, as in, “I’m making repair attempt number six under I Feel: ‘I’m feeling sad.’ ”
When your partner announces a repair attempt, your job is simply to try to accept it. View the interruption as a bid to make things better. Accept the attempt in the spirit in which it was intended. This entails accepting your partner’s influence. For example, if he or she says, “I need to finish what I’m saying,” acknowledge that need and then encourage your partner to keep talking to you. As you continue to use the list in your conversations, eventually you might consider replacing it with some other ritual, like raising your hand and announcing point-blank, “This is a repair attempt!” Or you may come up with other effective repairs that better fit your personality and relationship. For example, a couple we know say “clip clop” to each other if one of them introduces one of the four horsemen into a discussion. The humor in this repair helps defuse the negativity all the more.
While Justine is in the middle of discussing laundry with Michael, he does something that seems incidental but really has great significance for their chances of a happy future: he yawns. Cleaning house is not the most fascinating subject, but Michael doesn’t yawn because Justine is boring him. He yawns because he is relaxed. When you’re feeling angry or anxious, yawning is just about the least likely physiological reaction you’re going to have. Michael’s yawn is like an announcement that he’s feeling soothed by Justine, even though she’s discussing an area of conflict. Because no alarms are going off in his body (or mind), he is able to discuss housework and reach a
compromise with Justine easily.
It is harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument than a woman’s.
In less stable marriages, however, conflict discussions can lead to the opposite reaction—they can trigger
flooding. When this occurs, you feel overwhelmed both emotionally and physically. Most likely you think thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) or innocent victimhood (“Why is she always picking on me?”). Meanwhile, your body is in distress. Usually your heart is pounding, you’re sweating, you’re holding your breath.
I have found that in the vast majority of cases, when one spouse does not “get” the other’s repair attempt, it’s because the listener is flooded and therefore can’t really hear what the spouse is saying. When you’re in this condition, the most thoughtful repair attempt in the world won’t benefit your marriage.
Like it or not, compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. In an intimate, loving relationship, it just doesn’t work for either of you to get things all your way, even if you’re convinced that you’re right. This approach would create such inequity and unfairness that the marriage would suffer.
Often when couples don’t succeed at compromising, it isn’t through lack of trying but because they’ve gone about it the wrong way. Negotiation is possible only after you’ve followed the steps above—softening start-up, repairing your discussion, and keeping calm. Together, these will create a positive atmosphere. Remember: Compromise is not about just one person changing. It’s about negotiating and finding ways to accommodate each other. You will not be able to compromise successfully if you don’t accept your partner’s flaws and foibles. Instead, you will be on a relentless campaign to alter your spouse. Too often a marriage gets bogged down in “if only.” If only your spouse were taller, richer, smarter, neater, or sexier, all of your problems would vanish. Unlike cherishing, which nurtures gratitude for what you have, “if only” nurtures resentment for what you don’t have. As long as this attitude prevails, conflicts will be very difficult to resolve.
Before you try to resolve a conflict, remember that
the cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth principle of marriage—accepting influence. This means that for a compromise to work, you can’t have a closed mind to your spouse’s opinions and desires. You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be open to
considering his or her position.
That’s what accepting influence is really all about. If you find yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem, your discussion will never get anywhere.
As I’ve said, men tend to have a harder time accepting influence from their wives than vice versa. But whatever your gender, an inability to be open-minded is a real liability when it comes to conflict resolution. So if you haven’t already, work through the exercises in
chapter 7 on accepting influence. Realize that it may take time and continued self-awareness to break out of this tendency. Your partner can assist you in seeing things from his or her perspective. Ask questions to help you understand his or her point of view. Remember to search for the part of your spouse’s perspective that an objective bystander would consider reasonable.
Once you’re really ready to negotiate, there’s nothing magical about finding a solution you both can live with. Often compromise is just a matter of talking out your differences and preferences in a systematic way. This is not difficult to do as long as you continue to follow the steps above to prevent your discussion from becoming overwhelmingly negative.
When you are able to compromise on a solvable problem in a way that leaves you both satisfied, you prevent the issue from turning into a damaging, gridlocked conflict. But these arguments can still leave scars, even if you get past the issues that triggered them. I call this residual damage an “emotional injury.”
William Faulkner said it best in
Requiem for a Nun: “The past is never dead. In fact, it’s not even past.” We can revisit the past because it still lives in our bodies in the present. If emotional injuries aren’t addressed, they tend to become constant irritants—like a stone in your shoe that you keep walking on. People tend to ruminate about these incidents, and emotional distance can build up over time. It is perfectly normal to have past emotional injuries that need talking about, or “processing.”
If this has happened to you when you disagreed or hurt each
other, the culprit is not
what you were fighting about but
how you were fighting. The following in-depth exercise gets to the bottom of this by examining what tends to go on between you during a disagreement. Analyzing this together will afford you a deeper understanding of how you are each experiencing your arguments. This knowledge will help make your future conflicts less emotionally bruising.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE AND I AM SORRY THAT:
When you have mastered the general problem-solving skills outlined in this chapter, you’ll discover that many of your problems find their own solutions. Once you get past the barriers that have prevented clear communication, difficulties are much easier to resolve. In fact, the next chapter offers some creative and simple solutions to some of the most common conflicts couples face—money, sex, housework, kids, work stress. But remember: These remedies work only for problems that can be solved. If compromise still seems like a distant goal to you, then the problem you are grappling with may not be solvable after all. That means it’s time to turn to the advice on coping with perpetual problems in
chapter 11.