10
Work
stress, in-laws,
money,
sex,
housework,
Internet-fueled distractions, a new baby: these are the most typical areas of marital conflict, so there’s a good chance at least some of them are hot buttons in your relationship. Even in very happy and stable marriages, these issues are perennials. Although every relationship is different, there’s a reason why these particular conflicts are so common: they touch upon some of the marriage’s most important tasks.
Many people readily agree with the notion that a good marriage takes “work.” But what specifically does this mean? Every marriage is faced with certain emotional tasks that spouses need to accomplish together for the marriage to grow and deepen. These missions come down to attaining a rich understanding between partners that will allow both of them to feel safe and secure in the relationship. When these tasks are not accomplished, the marriage doesn’t feel like a port in the storm of life. It feels like just another storm.
When there’s conflict in one of these seven common areas, usually it’s because you have different ideas about these tasks, their importance, or how they should be accomplished. If the conflict is perpetual, no amount of problem-solving savvy will fix it.
The tension will de-escalate only when you both feel comfortable living with your ongoing difference. But when the issue is solvable, the challenge is to find the right strategy for conquering it. (If you’re not sure whether your conflict is solvable or perpetual, see
this page.) Here we’ve listed these seven hot spots, the task they each represent for a marriage, and specific advice for addressing the solvable disagreements they often trigger.
Maintaining connection and intimacy amid the distractions of the Internet Age.
How much time do you think most couples spend (or should spend) talking with each other? In a recent study of young professional couples, researchers in Los Angeles calculated (after monitoring them 24/7) that the average amount of time they actually engaged in conversation was thirty-five minutes. A week! What’s more, much of their conversation was really what I would call errand-talk, such as who was going to take out the garbage or walk the kids to the school bus. I find this very sad. While there are many causes for this lack of communication, one culprit is the seemingly endless interruption that electronic gadgetry and the Internet impose on us. For many people, the instant access to information and entertainment that websites, e-mails, texts, Twitter, and video games provide transforms self-distraction into an entrenched habit that can get in the way of real connection.
If your partner is complaining that you seem more focused on your social-media profile than your marital status, that’s an issue you need to take seriously, even if you disagree. I recommend that all couples establish rules of etiquette that work for them. At the very least, such rules ought to include a ban on texting, checking e-mail, or other “cyber crimes” during mealtime, date night, or when either of you needs to talk. After all, most of us readily turn off our devices at houses of worship or theaters. We need to extend that same respect and courtesy to our spouses.
Some couples may also want to make ironclad rules about
privacy to avoid disagreements over what information or images are appropriate to post online. Again, it’s important to establish policies that feel fair to you both—and then to respect them.
To get a sense of whether the issue of high-tech distractions is a significant one in your relationship and requires some extra attention, answer the following.
For a printable version of this page, go to this page: http://rhlink.com/mmw011.
No discussion of high-tech distractions would be complete without mentioning the immense popularity of
pornography. There are an estimated 500 million pages of sexually explicit porn on the Internet, and they cater to every conceivable turn-on. A report by the
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy estimates that between 20 and 33 percent of Internet users in the
United States go online for sexual purposes—either to view pornographic images or to engage in some sort of sexual interaction. Most of these people are married men. I believe that porn is inherently anti-romantic because it is impersonal—almost any “object” will do. In addition, many porn sites are degrading to women, or combine violence toward women with sexual release.
It’s little surprise to me, therefore, that research indicates habitual porn use hurts the nature and quality of sex in relationships—particularly when (as is usually the case) a partner is viewing porn alone and not as part of a couple’s mutual sexual enjoyment. The impact of habitually masturbating to porn includes:
In general, when one partner is a habitual porn user, the couple will have sex less often. This is not so when masturbation is used without porn; in that case, couples are likely to have sex more often.
Because it doesn’t require interaction with a partner or any awareness or discussion of another person’s desires, porn use obviously does not entail two-way communication. This tendency leads to minimizing communication with one’s partner during sex.
If you are frequently having orgasms in response to a specific image and fantasy, a conditioning takes place that leads you to seek out that same stimulation in real life. In part, this conditioning comes courtesy of
oxytocin and
dopamine, the “bonding and pleasure hormones” that the body releases during orgasm. As a result, the porn user may become so transfixed by particular masturbatory fantasies that sex becomes unsatisfying unless the partner is willing to engage in them. But the partner may not share the turn-on or feel comfortable re-creating it. Result: nobody is happy in bed.
Porn can be “step one” in a trajectory that ends in a sexual affair. Sometimes porn usage becomes a gateway to online chatting and, eventually, to actual encounters with others who share the preferred fantasy.
Despite the potential dangers of porn, there is no denying its popularity and allure. So it would be wise for couples to discuss
porn usage and whether either of them perceives any adverse effects on their relationship. Without explicit agreement, the use of porn is really a form of relationship betrayal.
Sometimes porn usage becomes so central to an individual’s life that it really constitutes a compulsion or addiction. If your relationship is grappling with such a problem, the addicted partner needs to seek help from a qualified mental health expert. Like other forms of addiction (
alcoholism,
substance abuse), porn dependency places an enormous burden on a relationship and requires specialized assistance.
Making your marriage a place of peace.
Most days, Stephanie and Todd get home from work within a few minutes of each other. Too often, instead of a loving reunion, they find themselves in a shouting match. Todd, who has been kowtowing to a difficult boss all day, gets annoyed when he can’t find the mail because Stephanie moved it off the table for the umpteenth time. Stephanie, who has a deadline at work and knows she’ll be up late working, feels her anger surge when she opens the refrigerator and discovers nothing but Strawberry Snapple. “There’s no food!” she yells. “I can’t believe you didn’t go to the supermarket like you promised. What’s wrong with you?”
The real question is, What’s going wrong between Todd and Stephanie? The answer is that they are bringing their work stress home, and it is sabotaging their marriage.
Scheduling formal griping sessions can prevent the spillover of everyday stress into your marriage.
There’s no doubt that work stress has become an increasing factor in marital dissatisfaction. Today’s couples work an average of one thousand hours more each year than people did thirty
years ago. There is less time for talking, relaxing, eating, and even sleeping. No wonder the days of the cheerful “Honey, I’m home!” are history for so many families. Most likely “Honey” is working, too, and has come home with an in-box full of e-mails she has to contend with. Or maybe she has been waiting tables all day, and the last thing she wants to do is wait on her partner.
Acknowledge that at the end of a long, stressful day you may need time to yourselves to decompress before interacting with each other. If you are feeling suddenly outraged by something your spouse did, realize that the incident may be overblown in your mind because you’re feeling so tense. Likewise, if your spouse comes home with a cloud over his or her head and your “What’s wrong?” gets answered with a snarl, try not to take it personally. He or she probably just had a bad day. Rather than making the situation worse by lashing out, let it go.
Build time to unwind into your daily schedule. Make it a ritual, whether it entails lying on your bed and watching silly videos, going for a jog, or meditating. Of course, some couples find that the easiest way to relax is to enlist each other’s help. If so, try the
soothing techniques described.
Once you’re both feeling relatively composed, it’s time to come together and talk about each other’s day. Consider this a sanctioned whining session during which each person gets to complain about any catastrophes that occurred, while the other is understanding and supportive.
Establishing a sense of “we-ness,” or solidarity.
Although mother-in-law jokes told by men are a traditional staple of comedy routines, the real family tension is more frequently between the wife and her mother-in-law. Invariably, the differences between the two women’s opinions, personalities, and life views become evident the more time they spend together. A decision to go out to dinner can create dissension over such minutiae as where to eat, when to eat, what to eat, how much to spend, who
gets the check, and so on. Then, of course, there are the deeper issues of values, jobs, where to live, how to live, how to pray, and whom to vote for.
Although such conflicts usually surface quite early in a marriage, in-law difficulties can be triggered or revived at many other times, such as when children are born or pass major milestones in their development, and again as the parents age and become increasingly dependent on the couple.
At the core of the tension is a turf battle between the two women for the husband’s love. The wife is watching to see whether her husband backs her or his mother. She is wondering, “Which family are you really in?” Often the mother is asking the same question. The man, for his part, just wishes the two women could get along better. He loves them both and does not want to have to choose. The whole idea is ridiculous to him. After all, he has loyalties to each, and he must honor and respect both. Unfortunately, this attitude often throws him into the role of peacemaker or mediator, which invariably makes the situation worse.
The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother. Although this may sound harsh, remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of “we-ness” between husband and wife. So the husband must let his mother know that his wife does indeed come first. He is a husband, then a son. This is not a pleasant position to take. His mother’s feelings may be hurt. But eventually she will probably adjust to the reality that her son’s family unit, where he is the husband, takes precedence to him over all others. It is absolutely critical for the marriage that the husband be firm about this, even if he feels unfairly put upon and even if his mother cannot accept the new reality.
This is not to suggest that a man do anything that he feels
demeans and dishonors his parents or goes against his basic values. He should not compromise who he is. But he has to stand with his wife and not in the middle. He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values, and lifestyle and insist that his mother (and father) respect them.
For this reason, creating or renewing your sense of solidarity with your spouse may involve some rending and tearing away from your primary families. That’s the challenge David faced when his parents came for a weekend visit to his new home, an event that led to what he and his wife, Janie, now call the Great Osso Buco Crisis. Janie always dreaded her in-laws’ visits because she felt her mother-in-law acted as if Janie, who worked full-time, was sweet but incompetent, while she was the great savior who would set their household right. Though Janie was always polite to her mother-in-law, privately she would give David an earful about what a control freak his mother was and how disdainful she was of Janie’s dedication to her job. David always insisted Janie was imagining or exaggerating slights, which just made her angrier.
For this visit, Janie had made dinner reservations at her favorite Italian eatery. She was very excited about showing off the restaurant to her Italian in-laws, who were very knowledgeable about cuisine. But when she and David arrived home from running errands that afternoon, they were greeted by the savory aroma of garlic and veal. The older woman had gone to the butcher and was preparing David’s favorite dish for dinner—osso buco. She said she thought her son would appreciate a home-cooked meal “for a change.”
Janie was furious and David was faced with a dilemma. The veal looked delicious, and he knew how hurt his mother would be if he didn’t eat it. He really wanted to tell Janie to cancel the reservations. Although this hardly sounds like a major crisis, it led to a turning point in David and Janie’s marriage. Janie held her breath as she watched David survey the feast his mother had prepared. He cleared his throat, put his arm around his mother, and thanked her for cooking such a wonderful meal. Then he insisted it would keep for another day in the refrigerator. He explained that it was
important to him and Janie to share with her and his dad how they liked to spend Saturday night together as a couple at their favorite restaurant.
His mother was highly offended. She got teary-eyed and made a bit of a scene. (David let his father deal with that.) But it was worth it to David to see Janie look so happy and triumphant. In the end, David’s message was loud and clear: She comes first, Mom. Get used to it. “That’s when our real marriage began,” Janie recalls. “When he let his mother know that I was now first in his heart.”
An important part of putting your spouse first and building this sense of solidarity is to not tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents. Noel and Evelyn’s marriage was heading for disaster until Evelyn learned this lesson. After their daughter was born, they decided that Noel would be the baby’s primary caretaker, since Evelyn had the more demanding, higher-paying, and more personally rewarding career. But this decision didn’t sit well with Evelyn’s parents, who didn’t trust Noel’s child-raising skills. Every other weekend, Evelyn gave Noel a break by bringing the baby for a visit with her parents, who lived in the next town. Often Noel would join them Sunday night. From the moment he entered the house, he felt like he was in enemy territory. Evelyn’s parents either ignored him or lectured him on bottle feeding, childproofing, car seats, etc. They would constantly criticize him while making a big fuss over what a great mother Evelyn was.
One Sunday, his father-in-law made a joke about whether Noel knew the difference between a baby bottle and a beer bottle. Noel was furious because he realized Evelyn must have shared with her parents that they had recently argued over a six-pack Evelyn found in the refrigerator. She had warned Noel not to drink while tending the baby, which he had found insulting. Noel knew that it didn’t sit well with his in-laws that he was the one tending the baby full-time. And he knew that her parents’ approval was very important to Evelyn. So he suspected she was putting him down in an effort to gain favor with them. In the
Love Lab, we helped the couple talk about this issue, and it turned out he was right. Evelyn was bad-mouthing Noel and sacrificing her “we-ness” with her husband.
Once Evelyn realized what she was doing, and how it was affecting Noel and their marriage, she was able to change. She brought the baby to her parents’ home less often, so that they saw their granddaughter mostly on Noel’s home turf. When her mother expressed concern that the baby wasn’t getting enough to eat, Evelyn piped up that Noel had just taken her to the pediatrician, who declared her perfectly plump and healthy. When her father suggested that the baby needed a heavier snowsuit, Evelyn told him that Noel knew better than anyone what was best for their daughter. At first, Evelyn’s parents were miffed by her new attitude. But as time went on, they came to accept the change. And Noel and Evelyn found that their marriage flourished. They finally developed a sense that they were a team. They had mastered the task of building “we-ness.”
For a printable version of this page, go to this page: http://rhlink.com/mmw002.
Balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also symbolizes.
Whether their bank account is teeming or they’re just scrimping by, many couples confront significant conflicts over finances. Often such disputes are evidence of a perpetual issue, since money is symbolic of many emotional needs—such as safety and power—and goes to the core of our individual value systems. But when a simpler, solvable financial problem arises, the key to resolving it is to first understand a marriage’s task in this area. While money buys pleasure, it also buys security. Balancing these two economic realities can be work for any couple, since our feelings about money and value are so personal and often idiosyncratic.
I find that solvable financial differences are usually the province of newlyweds. That’s because as a marriage goes on, these issues either become resolved successfully or develop into perpetual problems about money’s symbolic meanings. However, long-term couples may also find themselves facing a solvable money issue as their circumstances change. Differences of opinion over job changes, financing the children’s education, planning for retirement, and caring for elderly parents are common sources of friction in midlife.
Some clearheaded
budgeting is called for. Below are some simple steps you can take to get a handle on how much you’d like to spend—and on what. Keep in mind, though,
that managing complex financial matters is beyond the scope of this book. If you need extra help with financial planning and investing, you’ll find plenty of resources online or at your local library or bookstore. What’s most important in terms of your marriage is that you work as a team on financial issues and that you express your concerns, needs, and fantasies to each other before coming up with a plan. Make sure you don’t end up with a budget that forces martyrdom on either of you. This will only build resentment. You’ll each need to be firm about items that you consider nonnegotiable.
Use a form like the one that follows to record how you have spent your money over the last month, six months, or year, whichever time frame is most appropriate to your situation. You may be able to do this just by reviewing your financial statements. Also consider using budgeting software or an
Internet resource—you can find plenty of options by searching online for “family budget worksheet.”
Food
Groceries
Eating out or takeout
Mortgage or rent
Vacation rentals
Remodeling
Property taxes
Condo maintenance fees
Home office supplies
Utilities
Electricity
Gas
Heat
Water
Landline phone
TV provider
Internet
Household maintenance
Housecleaning
Laundry
Dry cleaning
Supplies and equipment (vacuum, bathroom cleaner, etc.)
Clothes
Personal care (haircuts, manicures, sundries)
Car
Gas
Maintenance and repairs
License renewal, registration
Insurance
Parking, tolls
Payments
Other transportation
Bus, train, ferry fares
Trips
Business
Visiting family
Other vacations
Recreation
Babysitters
Dates (movies, plays, concerts, sports)
Home entertainment (video, streaming, CDs)
Health
Insurance premiums
Doctor
Dentist
Pharmacy
Health club membership
Other (eyeglasses, massages, counseling, etc.)
Appliances and electronics (TV, computer, tablet, cell phone)
Gifts
Charitable contributions
Interest on loans, bank charges, credit cards
Life insurance
Investments and savings (stocks, etc.)
1. Write down every expense from the list above that you consider essential for your sense of happiness and well-being.
2. Look carefully at your income and assets. Now try to create a
budget that allows you to manage everyday finances and other “essentials” based on your means.
3. Come up with a plan for paying bills on a regular basis. Determine who handles and keeps track of bill-paying.
4. Discuss your separate lists and plans with each other. Look for common ground between your two approaches. Decide on a workable strategy that allows both of you to meet your “essential” needs. Agree to sit down and revisit your plan in a few months to make sure it’s working for both of you.
1. Imagine your life five, ten, twenty, or thirty years from now. What would be your ideal circumstance? Think of things you want (house, and so on) and the kind of life you would ideally like to lead. Also think through the kinds of financial disasters you would most want to avoid. For example, some people’s greatest financial fear is not having enough money to retire. Others fear not being able to fund a child’s college education.
2. Now list your long-term financial goals, taking into account what you most desire and what you most fear. For example, your goals might include buying your own home, having a well-funded retirement account, or not having to work more than one job.
3. Share your lists with each other. Look for similarities in your long-term goals. Discuss your perspectives.
4. Come up with a long-range financial plan that will help you
both meet your goals. Be sure to revisit this plan every so often—say, every year—to make sure you’re still in agreement.
Following these steps has helped couples with a wide variety of financial differences come up with workable solutions. For example, Linda loved stylish clothes and working out at the health club near her office. Devon considered both of those frivolous wastes of money. He far preferred to spend his money on lunches out with friends and two skiing vacations every year. To Linda, his pleasures were overly indulgent. After they each filled out the form, they could see exactly how much money they had. They talked about their finances as a couple and arrived at a temporary compromise
budget. Neither of them wanted to give up on their favorite pleasures, so they decided that they would open three savings accounts, one for each of them plus a joint account. They agreed to put a portion of each paycheck into their joint account to save for their children’s education and other major expenses down the road. Then they individually would save for gym memberships and ski trips. They decided that in six months they would talk over this arrangement again to determine whether their new budgeting system was working for both of them.
Tina and Gene had a different dilemma. Their oldest son, Brian, was just two years away from college. Although they had saved enough for him to attend the local community college, Tina wanted to send him to the more rigorous (and more expensive) state university, which offered more advanced science courses. Brian had always been an exceptional student. His dream of becoming an aerospace engineer seemed like a realistic goal. But to pay the higher tuition this would entail, Gene would have to postpone his dream of buying a lake house. Although Gene cared deeply about his son’s education, he also worried that if they didn’t buy a home now, they’d get priced out of the market and would never realize his lifelong dream. Gene wanted Tina to go back to work full-time so that they could afford the college tuition and the country home. But Tina was resisting because her very elderly mother lived with them and depended on Tina for her daily care.
Gene thought it was time for Tina’s sister to take over her mother’s care. But Tina’s sister worked full-time and said she wasn’t able to do that. The other option was to put her mother in a nursing home, but Tina was dead set against such a decision. Gene and Tina were having almost daily fights over the issue.
When Tina and Gene filled out the budgeting form, a simple solution did not present itself. But the process of looking through their expenditures together transformed the emotional climate between them. Rather than arguing about the issues, they felt like a team again. They made lists of the various pieces of information they needed to find out about student loans and scholarships. In the end, Gene accepted that he would have to postpone his dream for a few more years. Tina did go back to work, but only on a part-time basis. Gene was able to shift his work hours so that he could be home with his mother-in-law while Tina was away. And Brian spent two years at the less costly community college before transferring to the state flagship university.
The problems and solutions encountered by these couples are unlikely to match yours. The point is that whatever your disagreement over finances, you’ll defuse the tension by working as a team to devise a plan you both can accept, even if it doesn’t give you everything you want right now.
Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork.
Joanne was fed up. For months she had been asking Greg not to throw his dirty laundry on the bedroom floor. For months he kept forgetting, just like he kept forgetting to vacuum the carpet and wash the dishes every night, even though he agreed that these were his jobs. Both of them worked full-time, but Joanne usually got home first and would end up picking up after Greg. As she ran the vacuum or scraped hardened cereal out of his dirty bowl, she would be seething. When he got home, she’d give him the silent treatment or make sarcastic remarks about being the unpaid
maid. He’d insist that the problem was that she was a terrible nag. “Maybe if you’d leave me alone about it, I’d be more likely to do it,” he’d tell her.
Greg didn’t realize how damaging his attitude toward housework was to his marriage until the day he arrived home to the sound of banging from the bedroom. He walked in to find his wife, still in her business suit, nailing his dirty boxer shorts to the oak floor. “They’ve been there for three days,” she told him. “So I figured you wanted to make them a permanent part of the decor.”
Joanne and Greg eventually divorced, so I’m not suggesting that you find the solution to housekeeping conflicts at the nearest hardware store! The point is that men often don’t realize how deeply women care about keeping their home in order. There are certainly exceptions to the gender differences in this area, but as a general rule, in the Odd Couple spectrum of cleanliness, women skew more toward the fastidious Felix and men toward slovenly Oscar.
When a husband doesn’t do his agreed-upon share of the housework, the wife usually feels disrespected and unsupported. Inevitably this leads to resentment and a less satisfying marriage. The “slacker” husbands I talk to aren’t being deliberately rude. They just don’t understand why housework is such a big deal to their wives. Many were raised in homes where their father did no housework even if Mom worked. A husband may claim he agrees it’s unfair for his wife to work a second shift when she gets home while he sits back, but old ways die hard. On some level, many men still consider housework to be a woman’s job. When the husband “helps,” he feels he should be applauded—but instead his wife keeps demanding he do more, which makes him defensive and likely to do less.
A major cause of this unfortunate dynamic is that most men, like Greg, tend to overestimate the amount of housework they do. This has been documented by British sociologist
Ann Oakley. I know this is true in my own home. When I complain that I’m doing all of the housework, my wife says, “Good!” because she knows that means I’m actually doing half.
By now the key to resolving this issue should
be clear: men have to do more housework! Sometimes men shirk their responsibility in this department due to a lack of motivation. Let’s face it—no one wants to trudge out the recycling in the snow. So maybe this little fact will spark a husband’s enthusiasm for domestic chores:
women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic. When the husband does his share to maintain the home, both he and his wife report a more satisfying sex life than in marriages where the wife believes her husband is not doing his share. The benefits to these marriages extend beyond the bedroom. In these relationships, the women also have significantly lower heart rates during marital arguments, which means they are less likely to begin a discussion harshly and so avoid triggering that whole downward spiral of conflict involving the
four horsemen and flooding that leads to divorce.
I’m not suggesting that every husband must do a straight 50 percent of the housework if he wants to save his marriage and see his sex life improve. The key is not the actual amount he does but his wife’s subjective view of whether it’s enough. For one couple this could indeed mean an even split of chores. But in another marriage the wife may be just as satisfied if he takes care of some chores she hates—like cleaning the bathroom or vacuuming—or even if he agrees to budget for a weekly housekeeper to lighten both their loads.
The best way to figure out how much housework a husband needs to take on is for the couple to talk over the following list. By itemizing exactly who does what, you’ll finally have an objective basis for determining who should do what.
Use the list to describe to each other first your perception of how things are currently handled and then how you would like them to be. This list extends beyond actual cleaning to other domestic chores—like managing family finances and various aspects of child care—that can also cause conflict if either partner considers the distribution of labor to be unfair.
You may find that certain patterns emerge. As I said, men often believe that they are doing a larger share of domestic chores than is actually the case. In many marriages the husband does more of the “brute strength” tasks like washing the car or mowing the
lawn, or the abstract jobs like financial planning that don’t have to be done on a daily basis or on a strict timetable. The wife carries more than her share of the mindless, daily drudge work—like cleaning and picking up—which leaves her resentful.
| Car maintenance (oil change, registration, etc.) |
Now: |
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| Refilling gas tank |
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| Car insurance |
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| Remodeling |
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| Home maintenance |
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| Buying furniture |
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| Buying appliances |
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| Watering houseplants |
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| Preparing meals and lunches |
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| Supervising homework |
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| Bathing |
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| Bedtime |
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| Discipline (determining and implementing) |
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| Caring for sick child |
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| Dealing with child’s emotions |
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| Interacting with schools |
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| Planning birthdays |
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| Shopping |
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| Making doctor appointments |
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| Transportation to and from doctor |
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| Transportation to and from school/day care |
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| Transportation to and from playdates/after-school activities |
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| Attending teacher conferences |
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| Scheduling and attending special events |
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| Keeping in touch with family/friends |
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| Taking phone messages |
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| Returning phone calls or e-mails |
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| Planning get-togethers with friends |
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| Making dinner reservations |
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| Planning “date nights” |
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| Prepping home for parties |
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| Choosing travel destinations |
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| Reserving travel tickets |
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| Planning romantic vacations |
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| Planning family vacations |
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| Planning romantic weekends |
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| Financial planning |
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| Managing investments |
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| Bill-paying |
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| Taxes |
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| Handling legal matters (e.g, wills, living trusts) |
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| Planning menu |
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| Grocery shopping |
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| Cooking |
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| Doing dishes/running dishwasher |
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| Emptying dishwasher |
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| Coordinating medical care |
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| Managing health insurance |
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| General tidying up |
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| Making beds |
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| Cleaning kitchen, general |
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| Vacuuming |
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| Sweeping |
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| Washing floors |
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| Cleaning bathrooms |
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| Taking out garbage and trash |
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| Recycling |
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| Laundry |
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| Folding laundry |
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| Putting away clean clothes |
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| Putting out clean towels |
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| Home repairs |
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| Washing/waxing floors |
Now: |
Ideal: |
| Washing windows |
Now: |
Ideal: |
| Changing lightbulbs |
Now: |
Ideal: |
| Appliance repairs |
Now: |
Ideal: |
| Defrosting and cleaning refrigerator |
Now: |
Ideal: |
| Yard and garden work |
Now: |
Ideal: |
| Other: |
| ______________________ |
Now: |
Ideal: |
| ______________________ |
Now: |
Ideal: |
| ______________________ |
Now: |
Ideal: |
Now you should have a clear sense of which tasks you currently share and which fall into each partner’s domain. Depending on what you consider ideal, it may be time to reallocate domestic tasks so that the load is more equitable. Remember, the actual quantity of housework the husband completes is less important than whether his wife considers him to be pulling his weight. What is critical, however, is that the husband attend to chores without his wife having to ask (“nag”) and that he be flexible in what duties he takes on, depending on her needs. For example, if he sees that she’s especially tired one night, does he volunteer to wash the dishes even though it’s her turn? This conveys that all-important honor and respect. Helping his wife in this way will turn her on more than any “adults only” video. Of course, if in your relationship the sex roles are reversed when it comes to household chores, the rules still apply.
For a printable version of this page, go to this page: http://rhlink.com/mmw018.
Expanding your sense of “we-ness” to include your children.
“A child is a grenade. When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was. Not better, necessarily; not worse, necessarily; but different.” So wrote
Nora Ephron in
Heartburn, her roman à clef about the breakup of her marriage to journalist
Carl Bernstein. Virtually every study that has looked at how people make the transition from couplehood to
parenthood confirms her view. A baby sets off seismic changes in a marriage. Unfortunately, most of the time those changes are for the worse. In the year after the first baby arrives, 67 percent of wives experience a precipitous plummet in their marital satisfaction. (For the husband, the dissatisfaction usually kicks in later, as a reaction to his wife’s unhappiness.) There are wide-ranging reasons for this deep disgruntlement, including lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated, the profound responsibility of caring for such a helpless little creature, and juggling mothering with a job.
The big mystery is not why 67 percent of new mothers feel so miserable, but why the other 33 percent just seem to sail through the transition to motherhood unscathed. (In fact, some of these mothers say their marriage has never been better.) Thanks to the 130 couples we followed from their newlywed stage to as long as nine years afterward, I now know the secret to keeping a marriage happy and stable even after the “explosion.” What separates these blissful mothers from the rest has nothing to do with whether their baby is colicky or a good sleeper, whether they are nursing or bottle-feeding, working or staying home. Rather, it has everything to do with whether the husband experiences the transformation to parenthood along with his wife or gets left behind.
Having a baby almost inevitably causes a metamorphosis in the new mother. She has never experienced a love as deep and selfless as what she feels for her child. Almost always, a new mother experiences nothing less than an utter reorientation of meaning in her
life. She discovers she is willing to make enormous sacrifices for her child. She feels awe and wonder at the intensity of her feelings for this fragile little being. The experience is so life-altering that if her husband doesn’t go through it with her, it is understandable for distance to develop between them. While the wife is embracing a new sense of “we-ness” that includes their child, the husband may still be pining for “just the two of us.” So he can’t help but begrudge how little time she seems to have for him now, how tired she always is, and how often she’s preoccupied with feeding the baby. He resents that they can’t ride their bikes to the beach anymore because the baby is too small to sit up in a back carrier. He loves his child, but he wants his wife back. What’s a husband to do?
The answer to his dilemma is simple: He can’t get his wife back—he has to follow her into the new realm she has entered. Only then can their marriage continue to grow. In marriages where the husband is able to do this, he doesn’t resent his child. He no longer feels like only a husband but like a father, too. He feels pride, tenderness, and protectiveness toward his offspring.
How can a couple ensure that the husband is transformed along with his wife? First, the couple need to ignore some popular bad advice. Many well-meaning experts recommend that they consider marriage and family a balancing act, as if their lives are a seesaw with the baby on one end and the marriage on the other. Couples are counseled to spend some time away from the baby and
focus on their marriage and outside interests: talk about your relationship, your job, her job, the weather, anything but the baby at home. But marriage and family are not diametrically opposed. Rather, they are of one cloth.
Yes, the couple should spend time away from the baby occasionally. But if they are making this transition well together, they will find that they can’t stop talking about the baby, nor do they want to. They might not even get through that first meal without calling home—at least twice. Too often, such couples are made to feel as if they have done something wrong because they have made their own relationship seemingly secondary to their new roles as parents. The result is that they feel all the more stressed and confused. But in fact, they have done something very right.
The important thing here is that they are in it together. To the extent that both husband and wife make this philosophical shift, the parent-child relationship and the marriage thrive.
Here are some more tips to help couples stay connected as they evolve into parents:
Before the baby comes, make sure that you really understand each other and your respective worlds intimately. The more of a team you are now, the easier the transition will be. If a husband knows his wife, he will be in better tune with her as she begins her journey to motherhood.
Sometimes, in her exuberance, a new mother comes off as a know-it-all to her husband. While she agrees, in theory, that they should share the baby’s care, she casts herself into a supervisory role, constantly directing—if not ordering—the new father and even chastising him if he doesn’t do things exactly her way: “Don’t hold her like that,” “You didn’t burp him enough,” “The bath water’s too cold.” In the face of this barrage, some husbands are more than happy to withdraw, to cede the role of expert to their wives and accept their own ignorance. The sad result is that they do less and less and therefore become less and less accomplished and confident in caring for their own child. Inevitably, they begin to feel more excluded.
The solution is simple. The new mother must back off. She needs to realize that there’s more than one way to burp a baby. If she doesn’t like her husband’s way, she should remember that the baby is his child, too, and will benefit from experiencing more than one parenting style. A few baths in tepid water are a small price for an infant—and a marriage—to pay for the father’s ongoing commitment to his family. If the mother feels her husband’s approach is really unsafe, she should direct him to their pediatrician or a baby-care guide. Some small, well-timed doses of gentle advice-giving are fine (don’t forget to use a softened start-up), but lectures and criticism will backfire.
Feeding time can be especially difficult for the new dad. Penis envy may well be a Freudian myth, but breast envy is alive and well in almost every home where the wife is
nursing an infant. Fathers can’t help but feel jealous when they see that beautiful bond developing
between their wife and baby. It’s as if the two have formed a charmed circle that he just can’t enter. In response to this need, some baby-gear websites actually offer devices that allow men a close approximation of the nursing experience. There is, for example, an attachment that you can strap onto your chest that delivers warm milk to the baby through plastic breasts! But most couples don’t need to resort to extra equipment to help the man feel included. Instead, they can find a role for the husband in the ritual of breastfeeding. For example, it can be the husband’s job to carry the baby to the mother at feeding time. He can be the official “burper.” He can also make it his custom to sit quietly with his wife and child during feeding times, perhaps gently stroking the baby’s head or singing softly.
Some men have admitted to me that they don’t feel much connection with their child until the baby gets older and can walk, talk, and play. Unfortunately, by then their distance from family life has created fissures in their marriage. The reason men may take longer to “bond” with their children is that, as countless studies have confirmed, women tend to be more nurturing toward children while men are more playful. And since most men assume you can’t really play with a helpless baby, they don’t feel engaged by their child for much of the crucial first year.
But dads who spend time with their young babies will discover that infants are not “blobs” who do nothing but cry, nurse, poop, and sleep. Even newborns can be great playmates. Babies begin to smile at a mere three weeks. They can track movements with their eyes even earlier than that. Soon they are chortling, kicking their legs in delight. In short, the father who gets to know his babies by bathing, diapering, and feeding them will inevitably find that they love to play with him and that he has a special role in their lives.
Part of the transition to parenthood entails placing a priority (albeit usually second place) on the marriage itself. So you should use a babysitter, relative, or friend to get some time alone with each other. But remember, you haven’t failed if you end up spending a lot of your “dates” discussing the baby—you’ve succeeded. As the baby grows into a toddler
and then becomes school-aged, you’ll find that your conversations when you’re alone together won’t always gravitate toward your child and your role as parents.
Even if he is a good team player and is making the philosophical shift toward parenthood along with his wife, the man is still going to feel somewhat deprived by the baby’s overwhelming and seemingly endless need for her. Even if, intellectually, he understands that the baby’s demands supplant his own in priority, he’s going to miss his wife. The more his wife acknowledges what he has given up and lets him know how central he still is to her life, the more understanding and supportive he will be able to be. If she never has any time for just the marriage, he will have a tendency to withdraw from the relationship.
For all the daily wonders a mother experiences during the newborn stage, she is also likely to be exhausted, whether she is also working outside the home or the baby is her full-time job. It will help their marriage if her husband is able to modify his work hours so that she has time to take a break and reconnect with the outside world.
Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other.
No area of a couple’s life offers more potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than their sexual relationship. In recent years, sexual satisfaction in marriage has become a research focus of mine because so many couples complain about a decline in passion. In the most common scenario, the husband desires sex significantly more frequently than the wife. For example, in a study of couples who had a toddler at home, we found that the husbands wanted intercourse an average of six times more often. This was true whether both partners rated their sex life as fabulous or virtually nonexistent. In other words, even among couples who were satisfied with their erotic life, the husbands wanted more sexual intercourse.
What is the key to sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship?
In our study of couples with young children (a high-stress time in most marriages), we found that those whose sex lives were good to great made sex a priority rather than considering it the last obligation on a long to-do list. These couples talked about their sex life, ensured they had one-on-one time together, and put the relationship first, despite the competing demands of work and children. They also found sexual satisfaction through diverse methods, not just intercourse. In short, they had high levels of trust and were attuned to each other in and out of the bedroom. These results indicate that valuing and supporting the friendship between partners is the key to long-term satisfaction, sexual and otherwise. For this reason, your sex life is likely to improve as you incorporate the lessons of the Seven Principles into your daily lives.
A significant obstacle to a happy sex life, however, is difficulty communicating about the topic clearly. Often couples “vague out,” making it hard to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell each other. Here’s a classic example from a couple we taped in our lab:
EMILY: Think about your feelings two and a half and three years ago, and how we dealt with the problem and how we felt. I mean, think. It was much more a problem then in my eyes than it is now.
NOAH: I think we’re more secure together now than we were then. I don’t know. I would say the actual problem we haven’t dealt with anymore, any differently since then, I don’t believe. I don’t know if we’ve really changed.
EMILY: Do you feel any differently about it, though?
NOAH: How do you feel?
EMILY: Well, I guess I feel that the problem two and a half and three years ago, I viewed it as something that could ruin our marriage. I was real worried about us not making it. I don’t really worry about that anymore.
NOAH: I never considered it a threat to our marriage. I know you did, but I never did.
EMILY: Okay. And maybe I’m feeling more secure now, is why I don’t.
The “problem” this couple is discussing is that he has always wanted sex more frequently than she does. In this snippet of conversation, she is trying to get him to agree that it’s not a problem anymore. She wants his reassurance. He thinks the problem still exists, but he avoids telling her that directly.
So often when a husband and wife talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are like this—indirect, imprecise, inconclusive. Frequently both partners are in a hurry to end the discussion, hopeful that they will miraculously understand each other’s desires without much talk. They rarely say things like “I love it when you stroke my breasts for a long time the way you did last night” or “I really need you every day” or “Morning is my favorite time for making love,” and so on. The problem is that the less clear you are about what you want, the less likely you are to get it. Sex can be such a fun way to share with each other and deepen your sense of intimacy. But when communication is fraught with tension, then frustration and hurt feelings too often result.
Learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that lets each partner feel safe. This will enhance the experience for both of you. For example, research consistently shows that women have more orgasms when couples are able to talk comfortably about this topic. To get started, take this quiz to get a sense of how you’re feeling about your current sex life.
The goal of sex in a long-term relationship is to have fun, heighten closeness, and feel valued and accepted in this very tender area of your marriage. Here are some of the ways the couples we’ve worked with have enhanced the experience.
Although romance and sex are intimately connected, you’d never know that from strolling the aisles of your local bookstore. Instead, you’ll usually find that advice books on how to enhance and improve your relationship are kept in a separate section from books on sex. The latter are called sex “manuals,” and they can get very technical about anatomy and physiology. But they rarely talk about sex in the context of the relationship (communication, handling conflict, etc.). Meanwhile, the books on relationships rarely talk explicitly about sex. Unfortunately, this separation reflects what goes on in most couples’ bedrooms. When sex becomes about technique rather than passion and communication, the result is sexual anxiety. Men worry about their erections. Women worry about achieving orgasm. Both become self-conscious, and it all becomes difficult to talk about.
Instead of isolating sex from the rest of your relationship, try a change in attitude. Stop thinking that sex is about orgasm and consider e
verything positive that happens between you as part of sex. This notion comes from insights offered by respondents to
The Hite Report, researcher
Shere Hite’s groundbreaking, bestselling survey of female sexuality. Many of the women Hite interviewed complained that their men likened achieving orgasm to a touchdown (“the Big O”). This goal-oriented approach to lovemaking can cause a great deal of sexual dysfunction because if that objective isn’t reached, then there’s the sense that something is “wrong.” The women told Hite they wished their men would be more present and just enjoy the sensations of pillow talk, touching, caressing, kissing, and so on. That’s why I suggest to couples
that they consider all positive interactions to be sex. Foreplay occurs every time you turn toward each other in some little way throughout the day. (At the Gottman Clinic, we even offer T-shirts and mugs with the slogan “Every Positive Thing You Do in Your Relationship Is Foreplay.”) This perspective greatly reduces anxiety about sexual dysfunction and performance and makes the entire experience more pleasurable. Not focusing on orgasm as the goal helps couples see that sex, the physical part of connection, is all about just that: connection.
It is common for couples to want to discuss their sex lives but not know how to express themselves without sounding critical or feeling embarrassed. So here are some ground rules:
Because most people feel so vulnerable about whether they are attractive to their spouse and a “good” lover, the key to
talking about sex is not to criticize your partner. There really is no reason to be judgmental because you aren’t talking about something
bad in your relationship. You are brainstorming and sharing your perspective on
how to make a good thing better. A conversation about lovemaking that starts with one partner criticizing the other is going to end faster than a “quickie.” Nothing is guaranteed to make your spouse want to touch you less than if you say, “You never touch me.” It’s better to say, “I loved when we kissed last weekend on the big couch. I’d love more of that, it makes me feel so good.” Likewise, instead of, “Don’t touch me
there,” you’ll get a better response if you say, “It feels extra good when you touch me
here.”
Individuals vary widely on how comfortable they are discussing sexual matters frankly. Based on upbringing and background, many people still have feelings of shame connected to enjoying sex and therefore find it difficult to acknowledge, much less discuss, their sexual needs and desires, even (or especially) with their life mate. If you are in this situation, my advice is to go slowly. It may be best to start by each of you talking about your feelings concerning sex itself—what messages
you received about it as children, your conflicts about it, etc., before delving into the specifics about what you or your partner likes best
sexually. Such a discussion can be very powerful for your relationship and enhance your emotional intimacy and sense of safety with each other.
I know this sounds contradictory because sex is so intimate, but to an enormous degree, what turns your partner on or off isn’t about you! Sexual proclivities are so deeply entrenched and idiosyncratic that the goal of lovemaking is to explore what works for each of you. It isn’t an implied criticism of your attractiveness, sexual virility, lovemaking skill, or innermost being if your partner likes it harder, softer, more or less kinky, with or without lingerie or dirty talk, etc. Try to have the same attitude a professional cook has about preparing food. A chef isn’t insulted if a customer isn’t in the mood for polenta tonight or has an aversion to olives. Instead he or she makes accommodations that will satisfy the customer’s palate.
It is up to both of you to decide what feels okay and safe and what doesn’t. Sexuality is incredibly malleable, so it really is possible to make accommodations to each other’s desires that will be pleasurable to both of you. For example, Mike wanted to have sex several times a week, but Lynne thought once every other week was enough. As a result, Mike felt frustrated and rejected. Over time he became more insistent that they increase the frequency. He’d bring home books and all sorts of erotica in an effort to turn Lynne on. But this just made her feel pressured, which backfired. As Mike’s frustration grew, Lynne’s desire dwindled. By the time they came to our workshop, Lynne and Mike had no idea how they could work out this issue. We suggested they shift their focus from sex to sensuality and that the person with the least interest (currently Lynne) be put in charge of the couple’s sensual experience. Since Lynne loved massages, we suggested she select a book on the topic that appealed to her and use massage to direct their sensual evenings, which entailed no sex per se, but plenty of holding and touching. Gradually, Lynne’s sexual desire heightened, and eventually they began to have sex about twice a week.
I’ve found that a successful blueprint for gathering information on your partner’s sexual maps is to frame questions in two general ways:
Can you recall some good moments of sex between us?
What did you feel about our nonsexual affection, touching, caressing, kissing, or massage?
What did we do that turned you on?
What did we do that made you feel closer to me?
What made you feel relaxed?
What made you feel ready for touch and sensuality?
What made you feel connected to me?
What made you in touch with your body?
What made you able to surrender and let go?
What do you need to put you in the mood?
Do you like feeling that we have “all the time in the world”?
How do you feel about giving or receiving a quickie?
What should I do if you feel too tired or too busy for sex, or are not in the mood?
If I am really horny but you are not feeling sexy, do you feel comfortable just saying no? What do you need from me in order to feel comfortable saying no?
If you are on the fence about having sex and I am very horny, what do you need from me? Are you okay with me trying to get you in the mood? If so, how should I do that?
What makes sex more like lovemaking to you?
What are good fantasies or thoughts for you?
What would be a good sex ritual?
What would be good to do for gourmet, fantasy date sex?
(For a more extensive and explicit list of questions to enhance your sex maps, see our book
What Makes Love Last? And also check out the info at
www.gottsex.com.)
Your sex life will benefit if you keep your sexual maps up to date. This requires
talking about the experience from time to time as a way of taking each other’s sexual “temperature.” Doing so keeps you attuned to each other’s needs and any misunderstandings or new negotiations you need to make to keep you both feeling loved and satisfied. For example, here is a conversation between a happily married couple who are lying in bed at the end of the day. The husband tries to initiate sex, and the wife rebuffs him. But rather than giving each other the silent treatment or expressing anger, they talk it out, using the sort of conflict-resolution skills presented in the previous chapter.
JED: How are you doing, baby? (Hoping to hear “I’m happy. You’re great. Let’s have sex.”)
JANE: Not very well, actually.
JED: Tell me all about it. (Disappointed because he’d been wanting to make love.)
JANE: I need a lot more touching. Lately you haven’t touched me very much at all. I have been feeling lonely and sad.
JED (Thinking “Oh, no, it’s all my fault again. I’m sorry I asked.”): Tell me more about that.
JANE: Well, we used to cuddle in the mornings, and lately you have been getting up at 4 a.m. and working on your client presentation. So we never cuddle now. I miss that a lot.
JED (Thinking “She’s right. I’ve been really obsessed with that work project.”): You’re right, I have been totally obsessed. That really sucks for you.
JANE: Do you really have to do that? Every morning?
JED: No, I don’t. I’ll stay in bed and cuddle, also because I love cuddling, too, it’s so sweet. It’s very peaceful.
JANE: That’d be great. What about you? What do you need from me?
J
ED: Well, when you said I didn’t touch you very much, my first thought was, “That’s bull. I put my arms around her last
Sunday and she brushed me off. That hurt. I do touch her a lot, so this is all her fault, not mine. That was my first defensive thought, anyway. I’m glad I stifled that, though.”
JANE: Well, that Sunday you put your arm around me because you wanted sex, right?
JED: Yes, I guess that’s true, mostly. (Feeling a little embarrassed.)
JANE: I have a tough time wanting to make love when I haven’t been touched in a while nonsexually.
JED: Really? (“I would want to have sex with her at any time, any place, unless I’m hungry.”)
JANE: Really.
JED: I don’t have that problem.
JANE: I know you don’t, but I need to feel close to you first, not feel lonely. Do you get that?
JED: I do, I see. I’m not like that about sex, but I do understand. Okay, I get what you need.
JANE: And I gather you need me to say yes more of the time when you initiate?
JED: That would be sweet.
JANE: Okay, I can do that, if you touch me more nonsexually.
JED: Thanks for making me more aware of that.
JANE: You’re welcome.
Many couples are uncomfortable discussing how to initiate sex and also don’t know how to say, “Sorry, I’m not in the mood” in a way that doesn’t feel hurtful or rejecting. It is also difficult to cope with being turned down. I hope the following advice makes it easier.
The key to making “yes” and “no” feel less loaded is to have an agreed-upon
ritual in your relationship for navigating sex. (And remember, “sex” can be any positive connecting a couple does.) A ritual is an approach, either verbal or nonverbal, that you both expect, can count on, and look forward to. It makes asking for sex explicit and routine. I know of one couple who have a pair of Korean dolls on their mantle. When one wants sex, he or she puts one of
the dolls in a prone position. The partner signals interest by repositioning the other doll as well. Of course, a ritual doesn’t need to be so elaborate or particularly creative. A couple’s ritual for initiating cuddling and intercourse may be for one partner to rub the other’s back in a circle when they get into bed. The partner can then roll over and continue the physical connection or politely decline.
One ritual for requesting sex that I find especially effective comes from noted sex therapist
Lonnie Barbach. She suggests that couples use a scale from 1 to 9 to indicate how amorous each of them is feeling, with 1 meaning “Not at all amorous,” 5 meaning “I’m convince-able,” and 9 meaning “Let’s do it!” So, if your partner approaches and you’re not in the mood, you can say, “I love you and you are extremely sexy, but right now I’m at 1.” If you’re not sure, you could say, “Right now I’m a 5. So let’s kiss and see where it goes.”
Here are some other rituals used by couples I’ve worked with:
Just saying straight out, “I want to make love.”
Kissing the partner’s neck and saying, “I really want you.”
Putting your arms around your partner and asking if he or she would like to make love.
Leaving a partner a note saying you want to make love tonight.
Sending the partner a sexy e-mail or text during the day.
Lighting candles in the bedroom.
Suggesting taking a bath together.
If you’re not in the mood, let your partner down softly. Here are ways to say no that won’t sting so much. Put them in your own words, of course!
“I usually would love having sex with you, but I need to take a rain check. Right now I’m really not in the mood. But I still find you very attractive.”
“I’m sorry, honey, but it’s not the right time for lovemaking for me. But I still love you a lot, and you are very attractive.”
“I’m just too wiped out. But I definitely want a rain check so I have something to look forward to.”
Whatever a couple’s ritual for initiating sex, it’s imperative that there be no negative consequences if the partner says “no.” That can be easier said than done. Often when (usually) the wife says, “Not tonight” (again), the husband responds with hurt, frustration, even anger. His reaction is understandable, but it is also likely to reduce how often his wife says yes. To underline that point, here are the results of an experiment in which I used game theory to model the likely frequency of sex between a hypothetical couple. Jim is always interested in having sex; Mary not so much. My calculations determined that if Jim complains, sulks, or otherwise subjects Mary to a “negative payoff” whenever she declines his overtures, they end up having sex about once every three weeks. But if he actually rewards her “no” with a small positive payoff (perhaps he expresses understanding or asks what she would like to do), their rate soars to four times a week. Counterintuitive as it sounds, the results suggest that husbands who reward their wives for saying no will end up having a lot more sex!
Of course, the exact frequency of sexual encounters between a particular couple is impossible to predict. The point is that, for both husbands and wives, the more you can hear, understand, and respect your partner’s “no” about any marital issue, the more “yes” there will be in your relationship.
