CHAPTER ONE
Three Steps for Communicating in Difficult Moments
Unless I’m responding with my whole self—unless, in fact, I’m willing to be changed by you—I’m probably not really listening.
—Alan Alda
Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?
Your kids will not brush their teeth or put on their shoes. You feel as though you’re always nagging. You eventually snap and raise your voice, and then feel bad later.
After asking your preschooler five times to turn off her iPad, her only reaction is to have a meltdown on your living room floor.
Your children tease, provoke, and even hit each other. You repeatedly insist, “be nice to your brother/sister,” but the only peace comes from separating them.
Your school-age child resists and negotiates with you over unfinished homework. You try to explain the importance of hard work. He gets mad and slams his bedroom door.
Your three-year-old has an epic tantrum in a restaurant because she wants your phone. You’d like to have a nice family dinner but instead each child, as well as your partner, ends up on a device.
Despite your patient assurances, your eight-month-old does not cease crying, squirming, and kicking on the changing table as you struggle to change her diaper.
Though you have clearly said it’s time for sleeping, your toddler is running, giggling, throwing toys—anything except heading to bed.
As a parent, these are moments when you’re just trying to get by. You want your child to listen, to stop crying or complaining, to get with the program and keep moving.
But there’s a voice in the back of your head telling you that being a parent is about more than getting by. You are raising a human being. You are in charge of guiding and supporting a budding little person. When we ask the parents we work with what they wish for their child—what kind of person they hope their child grows into—the most popular answers are:
Feels loved and is loving
Is confident
Has a moral compass
Works hard and is high achieving
Is self-disciplined
Feels peaceful and positive most of the time
Is self-aware
Is connected to family
Has empathy for self and others
When you think about your bigger goals as a parent, it puts the everyday struggles in a different light. Yes, you want the shoes to go on, the crying to stop, and the homework to get done. But ultimately, you want something deeper. You want a loving, strong connection with your child. You want to teach her, to support her growing brain to think creatively, to cultivate empathy, and to develop problem-solving skills and self-esteem.
That’s what this book is about. There’s a lot of advice out there about “discipline”—promising to get your child to do what you say—but we want more for you. The way you communicate in difficult moments—how you listen, your body language, and your choice of words and actions—will steadily influence how your child feels about herself, relationships, and the world around her.
The Win-Win of Good Parenting
The science of child development and parenting is complex and nuanced. Of course it is; humans are infinitely complex creatures, and no two relationships are the same. But thankfully, research does converge on a through line of what makes for a good parent and a well-adjusted, successful child. It’s a mix of characteristics that might, at first, seem like they don’t work together. You might even see them as opposites—but in this book, we’ll show you how they fit together perfectly. This “gold standard” of parenting has been described in different ways by clinicians and scholars over the years: warmth and high expectations, empathy and clear limits, kind and consistent. Studies of children who are parented this way show them to be confident, caring, self-regulated, high-achieving little people.
No doubt, you work at this balance every day. You have mountains of love for your child, and yet you also want her to know that you are the parent, and you are in charge. This is the win-win.
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WIN |
WIN |
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Warmth |
High expectations |
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Empathy |
Clear limits |
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Kind |
Consistent |
We’re going to show you how the win-win will not only help you solve your problems in the moment, it will lead you to your bigger goals. In fact, you’ll be surprised to see, with the methods in this book, that the ideal stance is to be firmly planted in both sides at the same time. They work together. Most parenting struggles come from a breakdown on one side of the win-win. We see it every day in our practice: A dad who has high demands for his son but cannot accept his difficult emotions. A mom with endless warmth who cannot hold limits and feels walked all over by her kids. In the media and in your social circles, you hear one side of the same dilemma over and over again. Some people think we should respond more sensitively to babies and kids to build a secure attachment. Others think children don’t have enough structure and that parents are too soft and lenient.
Three Steps, and Words, for the Win-Win
We are here to teach you how to have both, as we’ve done with thousands of families using our three-step model of communication.
With this three-step approach—attune, limit set, and problem solve, or “ALP”—we will teach you how to maintain the win-win. Our families tell us over and over how empowered and confident the three steps make them feel. They tell us that they spend less time struggling and more time enjoying their kids. ALP allows them not just to get through difficult moments, but to connect and deepen their family relationships.
Once you understand the why of the ALP approach, we’re going to take it a step further—we’re going to give you the actual words. You don’t have to repeat them exactly (in fact, over time we hope you create your own!). The scripts in this book give you a concrete place to begin.
With these tools as your starting point, we want to change the way you think about your role as a parent. We’re going to challenge you to lean into difficult moments rather than fearing them, and, even in the heat of your most frustrating interactions, practice responses that keep the win-win in place. The rewards for your family will last a lifetime.
Three Premises of ALP
ALP is not just a technique, it’s a way of seeing children and family relationships that is based on these premises:
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Your child is capable.
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Difficult behavior is the “tip of the iceberg.”
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Big emotions are like storms.
These concepts are key to the effectiveness of ALP.
Premise #1:
Your Child Is Capable and Built for Good
The premise of our first book, The Happy Sleeper, is a simple truth: Your baby is built to sleep. Sleep is natural. It’s a message that resonates with parents because it helps them believe in their babies and give them credit for what they’re capable of doing.
So here’s a secret that helps our parents change the way they communicate: children are built for good. It may not seem like it, in that moment when your toddler smacks her brother with a hard clump of Play-Doh or ruins a thoughtfully prepared meal by kicking her plate of spaghetti to the floor. But it’s true. When we say children are built for good, what we mean is that kids are wired with the potential for empathy, for kindness, to learn from experiences, and to get along with others.
We don’t have to micromanage or muscle them, nor do we have to impose morality on them. They have natural tendencies toward learning and cooperation. We can give them space to test and make mistakes with our guidance and modeling. When children act out, they are not “being bad,” they’re working on a developmental skill, like emotional regulation or frustration tolerance, or they’re trying to communicate with us in the as-yet only way they know how.
The premise that your child is good will inform how you interpret tough behaviors and stuck moments. Rather than responding with threats or punishments, you can see your child as a small person with good intentions, figuring out a big world. You have an opportunity to understand, set limits, and guide. The parents we work with tell us over and over that this helps them feel more patient. They shift from worrying there’s something wrong, to seeing emotions and difficult behaviors both as normal and as opportunities for growth.
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UNHELPFUL/ |
HELPFUL/ |
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Children are naturally selfish. |
Children have an innate capacity for empathy. |
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Children don’t like responsibility. |
Children like to be needed and seen as capable. |
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Children don’t know right from wrong, they need to be rewarded and punished to learn. |
Children have a natural sense of right and wrong. We help this to grow from the inside out. |
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Children aren’t capable of reasoning. |
Children are capable of reasoning and we nourish it by explaining and talking respectfully. |
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If we don’t control them, children will misbehave. |
When kids “misbehave” it tells us they need support, explanation, or are working on a developmental skill. |
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Kids need tough love. That’s what makes a good parent. |
How we treat our children affects how they treat everyone else. |
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Kids need to be forced or controlled to do the right thing. |
Children have a desire to be part of a group and to be helpful, important, and integral in the family. |
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Kids can’t resolve conflicts. We need to do it for them. |
Kids can often come up with good solutions on their own. |
Premise #2:
Difficult Behavior Is the Tip of the Iceberg
Let’s imagine a typical evening scenario: the kids are “winding down” for bed, which means they’re laughing maniacally, running around the house, ignoring Mom’s repeated “brush your teeth” demands, and, with each passing minute, appearing magically to be moving farther away from bed rather than closer to it.
What do you immediately see in this scenario? You see noncompliance, unruly behavior, maybe even disrespectfulness. In that case Mom, in her frustration at being ignored, might yell,
Get your teeth brushed—now—or no stories and straight to bed!
This is Mom responding to the “tip of the iceberg.”
Now, what if we told you that Mom has been working all day and the kids have just come from a playdate with friends. Homework is finally finished and it’s past their regular bedtime. What do you see in this scenario now? You might see a need to connect with Mom, a feeling of missing her (funny way to express it, right?). You see the hyperactivity of sleepy kids. Given that insight, now Mom might say,
I see silly people running all over the place here. Hey, everyone, urgent cuddle 911! I’ve missed you guys so much today. I’m excited to see what happens in the next chapter of that book we started last night. So teeth and then meet me on the couch!
In the first example, Mom talks to the “tip of the iceberg,” whereas in the second example she looks at the part of the iceberg that is beneath the surface and uses words that address the underlying needs. Many clinicians (perhaps Freud being the first) have used icebergs to illustrate this important distinction between what’s visible and what’s happening on a deeper level. This is essential to the ALP model. Instead of butting heads over the behaviors at the tip of the iceberg, you address them from the bottom up. Now you’re connected, and your words are more effective.
Looking beneath the surface means translating kids’ behaviors that may be annoying, off-putting, or even infuriating, and being the grown-up, or, in other words, the one who has the insight to see what’s really happening. This is an important part of ALP that takes curiosity, “leaning in,” and thinking to yourself, What is he really telling me right now? What is underneath? You may not always know, but if you practice seeing through this lens, you’ll notice you feel more peaceful and effective in what you do and say next.
Using the ALP approach, you will begin to see that behind most irksome behaviors is a kid who is simply trying to learn the skills he needs to navigate the world.
Premise #3:
Big Emotions Are Like Storms
Now that you’re using the iceberg analogy, you see that difficult behavior is not something to squash or sweep under the rug; it’s an opportunity. Tantrums, not listening, hitting, and more are all overt signs that your child is working on a developmental skill and that he needs your understanding and guidance, not your worry, punishments, or anger.
If you see difficult moments this way, you can be a calm and steady navigator for your child. Emotions are like waves, and life is like being on the water—emotions are always there (otherwise life would be boring!). There are calm, rolling waters and there are storms that arrive and pass. In the boat, you’re together and you ride the waves. If you stay calm and present, you can navigate, and know that the storms (intensely strong emotions) are a normal fact of being on the water, and they always pass. You don’t have to yell or punish, nor do you have to cave or be indulgent.
This isn’t such a tall order when our kids are being easy. The challenge is when things get tense, messy, and emotional. In these moments, being open, patient, and communicating clearly can feel impossible. In fact, adult relationships are like this too. When things are going smoothly, we feel connected, but when one person does something we don’t like, we don’t agree with, or we don’t understand, we tend to fight with them or freeze them out.
What psychologists know, through decades of research and clinical experience, is that if we keep communication open in tough times, it deepens our relationships. Children who are met with understanding and guidance in their most vulnerable moments have greater levels of self-regulation and more positive outcomes in school and with peers. Relationships in which people listen to each other with less judgment (even during disagreements) are stronger and healthier over time. When your child has a difficult emotion, imagine it as a wave that rolls under you, rather than hitting you straight on. Let it be okay instead of than feeling you have to fix it.
Kids bring their trickiest, most intense, and irrational emotions to us for a reason: we are the safe, trusted place to work them out. Behaviors are outward signs of your child’s internal world, and they show you what her bustling, growing brain is working on. With the guidance and phrases in this book, you’ll notice how difficult moments show you when your child needs you to connect and guide her, rather than shame or punish her. And you too can use these moments as a chance to stretch and grow as a human being.
Looking at Our Knee-Jerk Reactions
In our groups and private practice, we hear countless stories of how parents respond to difficult moments. Here are some of the most common statements they make about their “knee-jerk” reactions:
I am quick to get angry.
I use a harsh tone when my child is not listening.
I lose control and spank or hit my child, then I feel terrible.
I use spanking as an intentional form of punishment.
I can’t stand it when my child has a tantrum.
I’m exhausted and overwhelmed, so I end up caving on a limit.
I feel anxious when my child gets upset.
I want my child to feel good or be happy all the time.
I doubt myself and my parenting.
HARSHNESS, RIGIDITY, OR NO INTEREST IN UNDERSTANDING
Parents who discipline harshly often do not explain the reasons behind rules or collaborate with their kids. They do not tolerate disobedience or unwanted feelings. The parents we work with who fall into this category often fear that they’re not doing their job right and they’re going to have a “bad” kid. If you were talked to this way as a child, you might hear your own parent’s voice in your head. These moms and dads admit to us that they often talk to their kids in a way that they would never talk to anyone else. They don’t necessarily want to do it, but they can’t figure out a way to stop.
Harsh discipline can work in the short term, but it backfires. Kids who feel judged, scared, or humiliated by their parents are more likely to either rebel and engage in power struggles or, conversely, repress their feelings, instincts, and opinions. If kids are controlled by fear and judgment, they aren’t challenged to develop their own moral compass. They don’t build an internal sense of good that carries them through the moments when no one is watching. When we yell or use fear, kids shut down, which makes it impossible for them to absorb the nuances of all the life lessons parents need to teach. There’s a shaming, critical stance on the part of the parent that, deep down, can give children the feeling that they’re only loved when they’re behaving well, rather than loved unconditionally. This is why harsh discipline undermines the greater parenting goals we identified on pages 2–3.
It’s helpful to see the responses in this list as veering from too reactive or harsh to too indulgent or permissive. Most parents have moments of acting in one of these ways. Sometimes we swing from one to the other—trying to please and accommodate so much that we feel walked all over, get frustrated, snap, and swing to the other extreme.
PERMISSIVENESS, FLIP-FLOPPING, OR HELICOPTERING
On the other hand, there’s the tendency for permissiveness and flip-flopping. To some degree, we all feel the urge to protect our little ones from suffering or struggle—sometimes we feel like our job is to keep our kids happy at all times. When they’re frustrated, we swoop in and do their task for them; when they have a tantrum we get insecure and relax the limit we’ve set. Or we just want to be liked by our kids, so we have a hard time enforcing the rules and limits that make them mad. Parents with a permissive style often do not hold age-appropriate expectations for their children. They may not expect their kids to dress themselves or clean up after themselves at a reasonable age, or they may not hold a standard of social etiquette or social rules. They do not have reasonable maturity demands of their kids.
The paradox of permissiveness is that even though these parents are trying to make their kids happy, children often end up being less happy, less competent, less self-reliant, and more anxious. Their world is too undefined, and without consistent, reasonable boundaries, they don’t feel completely safe. In our experience, it’s also permissive parents who snap and explode out of nowhere because their frustration builds up. This can be scary and unexpected to both parents and kids.
We meet a lot of parents who know that you’re not supposed to yell or spank. But they often feel frustrated and ineffective as they try so hard to be “nice,” while their kids ignore them.
ALP allows you to be emotionally responsive while also being in charge and having clear expectations. You can listen and empathize with your child without going back on important limits, caving, or placating.
What Our Everyday Words Communicate
Everyday words and tone communicate a lot. Certain messages are overt and others are subtle. Let’s look at some of the most common phrases parents use in difficult moments. You’ll see yourself in some of these and not others (as moms, we do too!). Don’t worry if you’ve said any or all of these statements—you don’t have to censor or judge every word that comes out of your mouth. And if you do say something that later makes you cringe (as literally every parent in the world has), read “Repair and Circle Back” (here), because this process can bring you closer to your child again. We’re listing all these common reactions for just that reason—they are common!
When our kids are having a hard time, we often have responses that are:
Judgmental and shaming
Stop whining. You should know better.
How many times have I told you not to run away from me? Why would you do that? What’s wrong with you?
Be a big boy. Stop crying like a baby.
Dismissive
Oh, it’s not such a big deal, don’t worry about that.
Walk it off. You’re okay.
Let’s think about something else.
No, you’re great at basketball, don’t worry!
Harsh
You’re being terrible right now! I’ve had it.
You’re driving me up the wall. How many times do I have to tell you?
Trying to cut off the communication
No. Just stop. Because I said so.
No means no.
Bribing
If you eat your vegetables, you can have dessert.
If you get an A I’ll give you five dollars.
If you don’t hit your brother all day today, you’ll get a toy.
Threatening and punishing
Do you want to go to time-out?
You’re not moving? Okay, see you later, bye-bye, I’m going to leave, then.
If you do that again, you’ll be sorry.
Comparing
See how good Johnny is being? Look at him just sitting there nicely.
Caving or flip-flopping
All right, never mind what I said before, watch more TV.
Oh fine, stay up past your bedtime even though it’s a school night.
Five minutes more. Okay now I mean it. Okay now, five minutes more . . .
Overhelping, helicoptering, or hovering
Here, let me do that for you. What’s wrong? Let me fix it.
A lot of these reactions are about making feelings go away, or controlling kids with fear. Threats and punishments translate to “I am using my power over you. I’m worrying or scaring you into doing something.” The takeaway message is something like “I have to make you suffer or deprive you so you’ll learn to do the right thing. You deserve something bad to happen for what you did.” Punishments shut down problem-solving skills and do not support kids in practicing what to do. Bribing communicates, “You will only do the right thing if I trick you or bait you to do it. Once the bait is gone, you may not have learned anything and may not do the right thing the next time.” Bribing can surely get you through stuck moments, but it can also work against you in the long run. We’ll show you how to use natural consequences, enticement, and information to engage cooperation instead.
Confusing, overhelping, and helicoptering messages also miss the mark. We want our kids to develop resilience, and if we try to shield them from all hardship and struggle, they don’t have the chance to learn or develop tolerance for tough feelings. If we swoop in and make our kids’ suffering go away or take it on for ourselves, it tells them we can’t handle it, and that we think they can’t handle it either. Over time, kids get the message that only good feelings are acceptable.
If children are capable and built for good, none of these tactics are necessary. They all imply that a child needs to be tricked or forced to do the right thing. When we use them, it sends a message that we don’t trust our kids and it keeps them from developing their internal sense of good. This also takes away a child’s ability to find natural pleasure and enjoyment in life. The child instead acts for an external reward or evaluation from us.
In the next section, we’ll give you a positive, accurate, and effective way to interact in everyday moments. The good news is that, since children are built with the capacity for empathy, connection, and cooperation, you can work with them rather than against them when you’re moving through your day.
The Three Steps of ALP Communication: Attune, Limit Set, Problem Solve
This section will explain the basics of ALP communication. In the following chapters you will see how to apply it. Assuming no one is in danger, the first step is to watch, listen, and understand, or attune. The second step is to set and hold reasonable limits or state a reality. The third step is to engage your child in problem solving.
1. Attune: watch, listen, and understand
2. Limit set: state and hold reasonable limits or state a reality
3. Problem solve: engage your child in creating solutions
Not every situation calls for all three steps, and sometimes they happen out of order. The more you practice, the more you will personalize the language. To get a sense of what ALP looks like in a simple situation, read this scene. You’ll see the dad respond to a tricky moment in two ways that fall into the categories of knee-jerk reactions described in the previous section. In the third response, he employs ALP.
Three-year-old Emily is in a toy store with her dad. She’s engrossed in playing with a train table. Eventually, it’s time to leave the store and Emily is not happy. She’s mad and frustrated and starts to cry in protest. She is quickly escalating into a full-scale tantrum.
Response 1
Emily, why are you so upset? Don’t cry! Okay, I know you love it here. We can stay. I’ll call Mom and tell her we’ll be late.
Response 2
Emily, stop crying right now and get over here. I said it was time to go and we’re going. It’s not a big deal. You’re acting like a baby and you better listen. Do you want to go to time-out?
Response 3
Emily, I know you’re frustrated and don’t want to go. It’s really hard to leave such a fun place. We do have to go now; we’re meeting Mommy in fifteen minutes. You can take my hand and we’ll walk together and sing our silly song, or I’ll gently pick you up and carry you out.
Step 1: Attune
Attunement: Becoming aware of and receptive to another person’s perspective. Communicating to the other person that you understand what he or she wants or is feeling.
Why is attuning to children so important? Well, answer the following two questions. We’ve asked them to hundreds of parents over the years and the responses have been consistent. The common answers are on the next page, write down your own before you look!
1. When you are sad, mad, scared, frustrated, or upset, what do you want most from the person closest to you?
_______________________
☐ to be listened to without judgment
☐ to be taken seriously
☐ to be understood, even if the person doesn’t agree
☐ to be asked to talk more about it
☐ to have my feelings acknowledged and validated
☐ empathy
2. When you’re sad, mad, scared, frustrated, or upset, what do you not like getting from the person closest to you?
_______________________
☐ to have my feelings dismissed or discounted
☐ to be judged for how I feel
☐ to be pacified or patronized (“don’t worry about it!”)
☐ to be ignored or for the person to shift to talking about him- or herself
☐ when the first response is a “just fix it” solution
☐ to be told my feelings are wrong
You can probably see where we’re going with this. Whether you’re a toddler melting down over the wrong pair of socks or a grown-up feeling rejected by a colleague at work, at the end of the day, we all yearn for connection. We want our trusted people to see and understand us, especially in vulnerable moments. We want to be heard, even when our feelings don’t make sense or seem irrational to the other person.
Imagine that you express a tough emotion and your favorite person snaps at you, dismisses your feelings, or overreacts. You are left alone with your emotions and will either push them back inside, act out, or scream louder. You will learn that your feelings are not welcome or acceptable, or that you shouldn’t express them because they’ll make the other person upset. We wouldn’t want to be talked to this way, yet we talk to our kids this way—whether it’s because we can’t see past their “bad” behavior, we see their problems (the wrong socks!) as insignificant, or we can’t tolerate their feelings.
Now imagine how different it would feel if your trusted person paused, looked at you, nodded, and said, I get it. That sounds hard. Tell me more. You’d feel a little relieved. The pressure would be let out. The urgency of the emotion would be lessened, even if just a bit, and you wouldn’t feel alone.
Babies and little kids need high levels of empathy from us, even when their reactions and behaviors seem irrational or bad. As parents, it’s challenging to be empathic when we’re frustrated and our kids are being difficult. This is the moment when we can snap, threaten, punish, or cave. But these hard moments are the ones when our kids need us the most. These are the times that will deeply shape their sense of self-worth and serve as a model of compassion for themselves and others.
If we want caring, confident, and resilient kids who feel safe expressing all their feelings to us and come to us when they need help (now, and when they’re older), the first step in handling difficult moments is to attune.
IS THAT PERMISSIVE AND WORDY?
Some parents worry they’ll have to do a whole lot of talking or come across as permissive. A dad once said to us, “You want me to attune to a four-year-old who has just broken the jar of spaghetti sauce I explicitly told him not to touch?” The answer is, yes. But it’s important to know that attuning is not permissive parenting. Attuning to your child is not:
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Being lenient
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Making him happy all the time
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Preventing her from struggling or making mistakes
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Hovering or micromanaging
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Overtalking or overnegotiating
Attuning is:
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Pausing rather than reacting with your own feelings first
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Listening and watching with genuine curiosity
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Communicating that you understand or you’re trying to understand
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Creating the experience of feeling seen and heard
Feelings Need a Place to Go
Feelings have to go somewhere. Clinicians who work with kids in therapy see that, over time, if feelings are ignored, judged, punished, or pacified, those feelings will eventually become either internalized (leading to symptoms like tummy aches, anxiety, poor self-image, trouble sleeping, and so forth) or externalized (leading to acting-out behaviors like hitting, biting, defiance, and tantrums).
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INTERNALIZED |
EXTERNALIZED |
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Tummy aches |
Hitting |
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Anxiety/depression |
Biting |
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Poor self-image |
Defiance |
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Trouble sleeping |
Tantrums |
When you attune, you offer a place for your child’s feelings to go. As you listen and watch with genuine curiosity, you are able to avoid rushing to fix a problem, cutting your child off, or sending the message that certain feelings are not acceptable.
If you lead with understanding, you sidestep power struggles and work with your child, rather than against her. Taking the role of coach and helper to your child relieves your anxiety that you must control her at all moments, or make sure she’s always happy.
Attuning also lowers your child’s stress level and makes him more receptive to taking in information or learning the rule or behavior you want to teach, rather than feeling shamed or reprimanded. Attuning helps you feel less stressed, because you can see the problem from his perspective and reconceptualize it.
Communicating this way helps kids become emotionally intelligent, starting from babyhood. If children hear feeling words from a young age, the words come easily to them when they’re older. Letting little ones know that all of their feelings are fine or interesting to you (not all of their behavior but, yes, all of their feelings) helps them to embrace and integrate those very normal and natural feelings we all have into their sense of who they are. Empathy comes from being empathized with. When kids get the sense of “feeling felt” it opens up their curiosity about what others are feeling too. Babies and kids who are responded to with empathy have a sense that the world is a good, safe place. This is the basis for secure attachment. They know that they are loved and of equal value, no matter how hard a time they’re having, and they will, in time, be able to love and value others in their difficult moments. These emotional skills lead to resilience, because kids learn to weather life’s bumps and get back on track.
Every time you attune rather than snapping, reacting with anger, jumping to set a limit, or giving in or cajoling to make your child immediately happy, it’s like putting money in the bank. Over time, this thoughtfulness will pay off.
These are examples of attuned responses. When you read them, you might think, “But then my child won’t know the rule,” or “Then I’m caving or being permissive.” Don’t worry, this is just the first step. In some of these scenarios, you’ll need your limit-setting and problem-solving steps too. We’ll get to those steps in a few pages.
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SCENARIO |
AUTOMATIC RESPONSE |
ATTUNED RESPONSE |
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Your toddler trips and falls. |
You say, “Oh no!” and swoop her up. (Or) You tell her, “You’re okay,” without checking in with her. |
You pause and watch. She looks back at you. You say, “I saw that. You okay?” |
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Your child doesn’t want to leave the park. |
I told you we have to go now! |
Leaving while you’re having fun is hard. You wish you could swing until it’s nighttime! |
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Your baby pulls your hair. |
No pulling hair. Bad! |
You like to touch my hair, don’t you? |
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Your baby resists a diaper change. |
Hold still and stop wiggling! |
You don’t want to be doing this right now, I get it! |
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Your child doesn’t want to wear his bike helmet. |
Not up for discussion; you gotta wear it. |
I know you don’t want to wear it. It’s not so comfortable, is it? |
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Your baby cries when you walk away from him. |
Oh, you’re okay! I’m only going to the bathroom! |
I hear you. You don’t want me to walk away from you. |
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Your toddler wants something from the grocery store. |
No, I told you I’m not buying those cookies! |
You want those cookies, huh? I know, they look good. |
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Your preschooler tells you a friend was mean to her. |
That’s not nice! Well, what did you say back? Did you tell a teacher? Don’t play with her anymore! |
I can see that didn’t feel good. Tell me more about what was going on. |
|
Your toddler says she’s nervous about climbing a tricky ladder on the playground. |
Don’t be scared. It’s easy. |
I’m watching. You’re wondering where to put your feet, huh? |
|
Your child’s ice cream cone falls on the ground. |
You’re okay, it’s not a big deal. (Or) Oh no! Didn’t I tell you to be careful? |
Oh, man, I saw what happened there. You’re feeling sad. I can see why! |
As you can see in the examples, attuning is sometimes just a simple acknowledgment of what’s in front of you. Still, you’d be amazed at how often parents forget this step (and sometimes, we do too!).
How to Attune
Attuning is personal; there isn’t one right way. The words you choose, your body language, your tone of voice, and so forth will be different from the next person’s. We are giving you a starting point to grow your own special ways to communicate attunement.
You can attune at any time—to happy, sad, angry, joyful, and silly moments. It’s a way of engaging and it comes very naturally to certain people and less so to others. In this book, we focus on difficult moments because they’re the ones when attuning is, well . . . difficult.
You’ll inevitably catch yourself skipping the attune step sometimes, and that’s okay. Habits are strong and you can always circle back for a “do-over.” The more you practice, the more you’ll incorporate attunement into daily interactions and see the benefits. You might even throw your child off guard a little by attuning when she expects you to immediately disagree!
It helps to keep a few phrases “in your back pocket,” for times when you can’t think of what to say. For example, “I hear you,” “I get it,” “ahh, I see . . .”
In this section, we’ll give you tools for how to attune.
Pause
One of the best ways to practice the attune step is to pause before reacting. This is harder than it sounds—many of us have a habit of jumping in right away to react, snap, cut our child off, soothe, or fix a problem. Unless someone is in danger, practice not saying anything immediately. Or you can say something like,
Oh, uh-huh . . .
I see . . .
Hm, okay. . . .
Let’s think about this . . .
Take a second to consider without rushing to stop, label, or solve. Time is your friend. This is your chance to glean what is happening with your child in this moment.
Use Your Body Language
The words you say are only a small part of communication. How your message comes across and the effect it has on your child is largely expressed in your body language and tone of voice.
You know this from personal experience. Imagine you’re upset and your partner turns his or her back, or goes rigid and looks at you like you’re crazy or annoying. It almost doesn’t matter what words come out of his or her mouth, because body language “speaks” volumes. You’re less likely to feel accepted or safe. Attunement and understanding, versus judgment and scorn, are conveyed powerfully by body language—the question is whether or not we are aware of what our bodies are saying.
To convey that you’re “on the same side” as your child, that you’re not a threat, and that you’re trying to understand, face her, make eye contact if you can, or put your hand on her shoulder, and get on her level.
Standing over your child is an offensive move.
At eye level is a collaborative move.
Relax your body, relax your face, open your stance, take your hands off your hips.
Many clinicians describe this body position as a way to signal safety. It keeps children from shutting down or pushing back. We especially like Tina Bryson and Dan Siegel’s technique of getting yourself below your child’s eye level if you can. This gives you more success at changing the power dynamic so your little one feels open.
Say What You See: The “Sportscaster”
Imagine you’re a sportscaster and your job is to narrate in a factual, nonjudgmental way. We love to see parents using the sportscaster technique in all kinds of difficult situations. It helps kids stay open to hearing information, rather than feeling blamed and becoming defensive. It also helps them connect cause and effect. The key to the sportscaster is to keep your tone observant and curious, not shaming. Describe what you hear and see. For example,
You grabbed the blocks and your friend looks confused.
You’re talking loudly and you can’t hear the information I’m giving you.
I saw she took the toy from your hands.
Oh, man, the tower fell over.
Paraphrase: The “Good Waiter”
In your own words, say back to your child what she’s told you. This is a great way to let her know you’re curious and not necessarily trying to convince her out of her point of view.
So you’re saying it’s hard that other kids have chips and cookies in their lunch and you only have a sandwich and vegetables? You feel left out.
It feels like you’ll never get to go to the movies. It feels so far away you can’t stand to wait.
Imagine you’re a waiter in a restaurant and you’re making sure you got the order right. “You really want the pink Barbie towel.” “You don’t want your broccoli to touch your chicken!” “You want that toy Charlie is playing with!” The “good waiter” technique makes children feel understood: “So let me repeat your order to make sure I got it right. You want the pink Barbie towel, with broccoli on the side, and your special toy in a doggie bag.” Ask your kids if you got it right, or if you’re missing anything.
Parents sometimes tell us that they worry this will make it worse, but often it’s more like deflating a balloon before it pops.
EXAMPLE: SAYING GOOD-BYE THE OLD WAY
Child: I want to go with you! Waaaaa!!!!
Dad: I have to go to work! You’re okay. Aw, stop crying!
The toddler’s cries get even louder and more insistent. Eventually, he has to be pried away from Dad.
SAYING GOOD-BYE THE GOOD WAITER WAY
Child: I want to go with you! Waaaaa!!!!
Dad (crouching down): You really want me to take you along! I get it. It’s hard to say good-bye.
The child’s cries quiet a bit and his eyes open wider. It’s not an immediate fix, but by attuning, the emotional message becomes less urgent and demanding. (See how dad adds the limit-setting and problem-solving steps here.)
It’s amazing what happens when we let our kids tell us their thoughts and feelings without judgment or solutions right away. See for yourself how they react when you repeat back what your kids tell you, in your own words. They keep talking! Imagine how important that will be when they grow into teenagers.
Agree and Align
Don’t be afraid to agree with your child if you do. The limit might remain, but that doesn’t mean you can’t join in with the feelings if yours are similar.
I wish we could see Batman on opening night too! Man that would be fun.
Use your Iceberg Analogy
Look at the behaviors at the tip of the iceberg here and practice seeing what’s beneath the surface. This will help you be more patient, understanding, and empathic toward your child, and it will also give you more ideas for how to attune and also how to solve the problem. With your iceberg analogy, you may see that you have a sleep-deprived toddler, one who needs physical or emotional contact, or one who needs practice being in a group. When you see it this way, it helps you make attuned statements that connect below the surface.
I know, it’s been a long day, I bet you’re tired.
It’s different here, isn’t it? You’re getting used to being with all these people.
It’s easy to assume we know what’s going on in a difficult moment, but don’t assume. Gather more information.
Tell me more about this.
Help me understand what’s making you upset.
Put yourself in your child’s place and try to uncover it like a mystery. You don’t know what it felt like, so let him tell you. If your baby is not yet verbal, say what you think he is feeling and why. If you don’t know why, you can say, “I can tell you’re upset but I’m not sure why yet.”
Remember that your child’s brain doesn’t work exactly the same way yours does. Little kids (depending on their age and temperament) naturally have lower tolerance for frustration, less flexibility, and fewer problem-solving skills. What seems obvious and important to you may not to him, and vice versa. Try not to insert or project your own feelings, but see his behavior as understandable, given his developmental level.
Model Attuning to Others and Yourself
The most powerful way for your kids to “catch” this contagious way of being is to model it. Attunement can be applied in all your relationships. Your relationship with your partner is one of the best ways for your kids to absorb this empathic way of being. They are like little sponges and notice everything we do. We’ve had many parents say that practicing an empathic response with each other in difficult moments has improved their relationship significantly. Attune to yourself too and let your child know how you’re feeling. “I am getting frustrated.” “I got mad at myself when I forgot to . . .” “That really surprised me!” “I’m confused about this.” “I’m not sure what to do.”
Take baby steps by attuning to strangers. A mom told us a great story about how this made all the difference. She was a high-powered executive who had a quick temper. One day, she was jogging with her baby stroller and had music playing from a small speaker. The man next to her complained about the noise, which normally would have made her say something like “@#$!, I’m running, here!” or “Move if you have a problem with it!” Instead, this time, she made an attuned statement. “I understand, it must be bothering you,” she said. “I’ll hang back a bit and you can run ahead.” The runner nodded and thanked her and, to her absolute shock, her own anger dissolved. She couldn’t believe it. Attuning was almost like a magic pill that made the frustration go away. Practicing ALP this way helped her apply it with her baby.
Step 2: Limit Set
As parents, we help our kids learn social rules and etiquette, as well as family rules that are uniquely ours. We keep our kids healthy and safe, we keep the day moving on schedule, and often we’re the ones to break the news to our kids that their desires and whims cannot always be satisfied. In other words, every day, we have to set limits.
Limits are a good thing. When there are clear, reasonable limits and rules, over time children get the feeling that the world makes sense and is a safe, reliable place. There’s a grown-up in charge and they are free to be children, to play, explore, and test the world.
The limit-setting step is the moment when you state a boundary or rule and briefly explain the reason. It doesn’t negate your child’s feelings, it presents him with information. For example,
Hitting your brother is absolutely not okay. It hurts.
Phones are for big people. My phone is important for my work so I’m going to keep it.
The iPad does not belong at the table while we’re eating.
Today is a looking day, not a buying day.
Use gentle hands with the dog, so we don’t hurt her.
In this step, sometimes we state realities for kids, rather than a limit: a fallen ice cream cone, a helium balloon that got away, or the actions of others and circumstances we can’t control. These are times when life just deals us realities that make us unhappy. For example,
The balloon floated away and we can’t get it back.
We can’t control what other people do.
You didn’t get chosen for the team.
The toy store is closed and we can’t go in.
It’s raining, so we can’t go play soccer.
These are the parts of life that just are, the parts we don’t have choices about. We can have our feelings, and we can problem solve for solutions, but the limits and realities are what one of our school-age clients described as “It is what it is.”
Here are some of our earlier examples, adding the limit-setting step.
|
SCENARIO |
ATTUNE |
LIMIT SET |
|
Your child doesn’t want to leave the park. |
Leaving while you’re having fun is hard. You wish you could swing until it’s nighttime! |
We have to go now, because it’s almost dark and time to make dinner. |
|
Your baby pulls your hair. |
You like to touch my hair, don’t you? |
It’s not okay to pull hair because that hurts. |
|
Your baby resists a diaper change. |
You don’t want to be doing this right now, I get it! |
I have to change you now because your diaper is wet. |
|
Your child doesn’t want to wear his bike helmet. |
I know you don’t want to wear it. It’s not so comfortable, is it? |
The rule in our family is that you do have to wear it to keep you safe. |
|
Your baby cries when you walk away from him. |
I hear you. You don’t want me to walk away from you. |
I have to go because I have a meeting this morning. |
|
Your toddler wants something from the grocery store. |
You want those cookies, huh? I know, they look good. |
We’re not buying that today because we’re just getting what we need for our meals. |
Beyond “Because I Said So!”
Why not just yell or tell your kids, “Do what I say and that’s it”? It may feel like the easiest route in the moment, but in the long run, we’re here to help them develop a sense of right and wrong—one they carry into the world. We don’t want our kids to follow rules or do what we say out of fear, or because there’s a consequence. We also don’t want them to grow up doing what other people say without question. Adding information with your limit is a respectful way to communicate—it implies that you see your child as a person worthy of understanding the background.
We use quiet voices in the library, because other people here are reading books.
Children value reasoning just as much as adults do, and explanations help bring awareness to future scenarios. It all seems so obvious to us and it’s easy to get impatient when we need to repeat or explain. But most of us would agree that we want our kids to respect other people’s opinions, thoughts, and feelings—and this starts with us doing the same and including them in our “behind-the-scenes” reasoning.
Don’t Be Afraid of the Reaction
So many parents tell us they’re afraid of their kids’ reactions. A mom we worked with kept telling us, “Oh, she’ll be too sad. She won’t like it when I tell her this.” She admitted that every time she had to tell her daughter something she wouldn’t like, she worried about it and often bribed her daughter not to feel bad. She couldn’t state simple realities and limits like “Your sister is going to a sleepover and dad and I are going out to dinner. The babysitter is taking care of you tonight.” Or, “Your sister’s friend is coming over, but not your friend today.” She shied away from breaking what she saw as “bad news” to her daughter, because she was literally afraid of the daughter’s angry or disappointed reaction. She was trying to avoid her daughter’s natural disappointment, which led to her daughter being more in control of the situation, and Mom resorted to bribing.
How Much Oomph, and How Many Times?
If you have a sensitive, watchful, tuned-in child, then stating the limits in a mild, matter-of-fact tone is better, so you don’t overwhelm or risk shaming him. However, if you have a very strong-willed, challenging child, you may need more oomph in your voice, so it’s heard. A strong-willed child needs you to get his attention, and to know you’re confident and strong in your limits; otherwise, those limits don’t feel clear and containing.
If you find yourself wondering why you’ve had to set the same limit fifty times, you’re doing good work, don’t worry. While some kids only need to hear a limit once to internalize it, for others, the limit-setting step has to be repeated, very patiently and relentlessly, many, many times before they are done testing and are ready to trust that limit. This is where your consistency over time will pay off. As kids get older, if you have consistently held reasonable limits without caving or flip-flopping, they will internalize these lessons and their testing of them will naturally decrease.
Step 3: Problem Solve
Now it’s time to get creative. The problem-solving step is when you help kids figure out a solution. You’ve attuned, you’ve stated the limit or reality of the situation, and now is the opportunity to solve the problem with ideas that come from one or both of you. If the issue is between two friends or siblings, then part of your problem-solving step will be to “scaffold” conflict resolution. You will read more about how to do this in the hitting and physical behaviors chapter, as well as the sibling chapter.
“Here’s What You Can Do”: Creating an Optimist
The gist of the problem-solving step is “Here’s what you can do!” to fulfill your intention, solve your dilemma, or recover from your emotional overload. It ends on a positive, forward-moving note and lends to the overall atmosphere of empathy and nonjudgment.
An enormous benefit of modeling problem-solving skills in difficult moments is that your children will, over time, apply these skills in many areas of their lives. Cultivating problem-solving skills helps kids with academics and independent learning, relationships, and more. They learn to see the world from a broader, more open-ended and optimistic perspective and will take on one of the hallmarks of optimists: the sense of being in control of the situation. When things don’t go their way, optimists feel a sense of agency to overcome, rather than the pessimist’s tendency to blame outside forces for their problems.
The “Head-Scratching, Bumbling Parent”
Problem solving also taps into and cultivates creativity. There are many ways to solve a problem and, with little ones, it can be easy and fun to think outside the box and be imaginative and willing to experiment with some crazy ideas. For many kids, it helps them think creatively when you use what we call the “head-scratching, bumbling parent.” “Hmm, what could we do here?” is your tone, as if you truly do not have all the answers and are genuinely looking for help moving forward. It’s developmentally normal for kids to get bogged down in black-and-white thinking, and using this approach opens up their thinking to more possibilities.
Scratch your head (literally or figuratively) and wonder aloud what the solution or next step could be, rather than rushing to give choices or solve the problem yourself every time.
So, hmm, I hear you saying that you want to buy a smoothie. But, jeez, I remember last time we got one that size, you didn’t drink it. (Pause). Let’s think what would make sense here . . .
After you’ve wondered aloud, wait and see what happens. If your child knows that you won’t always swoop in with the solve, she feels like you’re a team. You may still have to hold a limit (for example, you may decide the limit is that you’re going to split a smoothie), but create a little space for her to come along on the decision process.
Use Humor or Say Something Unexpected
A great way to open your little one up to creative thinking is to give an absurd option, like boarding your imaginary spacecraft as a way to exit the park. It’s not hard to go a little off the beaten path.
I’m feeling a silly song coming into my head . . . Here, I’ll sing it to you while we brush your teeth.
You can hold this cardboard box while I change your diaper.
I’m going to stand on my head while I think about this.
Collaborate on a few options for what to do, given the limit or reality. Sometimes your child will be the one to come up with the creative solution to the problem, and sometimes it will be you. You can test the waters with asking for input, but if your child isn’t able to make a choice or offer a solution that keeps the limit intact, then you can take over and lay out one or two choices.
Use a “Follow-Through” Choice
In some cases, you will need to use a “follow-through” choice in the problem-solving step. The follow-through choice is like your parenting escape hatch—a plan for taking over and making something happen when it needs to happen now. The follow-through choice may be telling your child that he can get in the car seat himself or you’re going to help him do so, saying your preschooler can come to the table herself or you will help her body to the table, or letting your child know he can put back the toy or you will do it for him. We don’t want you to go straight to the follow-through choice unless time is short. In the chart below, you’ll see that the first scenario has a follow-through.
|
SCENARIO |
ATTUNE |
LIMIT SET |
PROBLEM SOLVE |
|
Your child doesn’t want to leave the park. |
Leaving while you’re having fun is hard. You wish you could swing until it’s nighttime! |
We have to go now, because it’s almost dark and time to make dinner. |
So, hmm, should we do “follow the leader” out? (Pause.) Seems like it’s hard to leave. You can walk yourself or I will carry you (follow-through choice). |
|
Your baby pulls your hair. |
You like to touch my hair, don’t you? |
It’s not okay to pull hair because that hurts. |
Let me hold your hand and show you how to touch hair gently. |
|
Your baby resists a diaper change. |
You don’t want to be doing this right now, I get it! |
I have to change you now because your diaper is wet. |
Ready to hear the silliest song in the whole wide world? |
|
Your child doesn’t want to wear his bike helmet. |
I know you don’t want to wear it. It’s not so comfortable, is it? |
The rule in our family is you do have to wear it to keep you safe. |
You can pick out any helmet you want within our price range. |
|
Your baby cries when you walk away from him. |
I hear you. You don’t want me to walk away from you. |
I have to go because I have a meeting this morning. |
I’ll sing our good-bye song and kiss both cheeks like I always do. |
|
Your toddler wants something from the grocery store. |
You want those cookies, huh? I know, they look good. |
We’re not buying that today because we’re just getting what we need for our meals. |
Do you want to put it back or should I carry it like a baby back to the shelf? |
Remember this example? Added to our “A” step, here are the “L” and “P” steps—attuning, limit setting, and problem solving all together:
EXAMPLE: SAYING GOOD-BYE THE OLD WAY
Child: I want to go with you! Waaaaa!!!!
Dad: I have to go to work! You’re okay. Aw, stop crying!
The child’s cries get even louder and more insistent. Eventually, he has to be pried away from Dad.
SAYING GOOD-BYE THE ALP WAY
Child: I want to go with you! Waaaaa!!!!
Dad (crouching down): You really want me to take you along! I get it. It’s hard to say good-bye. I have to go to work now, and you’re off to school soon. What should we do if we miss each other today? You know what, I think I’m going to write a note to you. Would you do the same for me at school?
Over time, the language of attunement and collaboration helps kids feel more open and less adversarial. Problem solving becomes easier as the months and years go on because your child trusts that you respect his intentions and feelings. You are definitely going to set limits on his behavior, while at the same time you’re helping him create and choose an acceptable solution. You’re not here to dictate and enforce unreasonably, and you do care about his intention and input.
Calm Down instead of Time-Out
The old-fashioned version of time-out is a punishment, and we do not recommend it. When kids misbehave, have a tantrum, or similar, these are signs that they need guidance, teaching, or understanding. Punishment is counterproductive. It does not teach children anything except to fear a consequence, and to know that if they step out of line, they will be isolated from their most trusted people. Isolating a child and sending her to her room or another place in the house can make her feel shamed and alone.
Rather than using a punishment form of time-out, use calm down. Calm down is for anyone who is feeling overwhelmed or is unable to follow family rules and needs a break. Calm down is not a punishment. It’s meant to be helpful and should be talked about as such. When your child is having big feelings, has hit or hurt someone, cannot follow a family agreement, or needs to regroup for any reason, you can gently lead her to calm down, or she may choose to go there herself. There will be times when you need to pick your child up and take her to calm down, but the message you’re sending is that you are helping. This shows unconditional love and acceptance, which is especially important to convey in difficult moments. Stay with her if your presence or physical contact helps her calm down. If she wants space, tell her you’ll check on her in a minute and walk away. Decide together when she’s ready to go back to what she was doing, or move to another problem-solving tool. In the chapters that follow, you’ll see examples of how to use calm down if you’re in a grocery store and need to move your child outside or you’re at a friend’s house and have to take your child into another room. Calm down can even happen as you’re walking away from the scene.
Here’s an example of how to use calm down instead of time-out.
A mom and her two kids are at the beach. One child is playing too roughly with his sister. She’s saying, “Stop it!” and he’s not listening to her. The sister starts to cry.
TIME-OUT
Mom: Hey, cut it out! Get over here! I’ve told you before to be nice to your sister! You’re getting a time-out!
In this scenario, Mom scolds her son and withholds her attention while the child sits in isolation. When the timer goes off, she forces him to say, “I’m sorry.” He feels embarrassed and resentful towards his sister and his mom.
CALM DOWN
Mom: Whoa, okay I saw that. That was too rough. Come and sit with me for a few minutes to calm down. You’re showing me you need a break to regroup. I’m going to help you take a breather.
In this scenario, Mom sits with her son for a few minutes, checks in with him about whether he needs water or a snack, or if it’s time to call it a day. After a bit, she says, “Do you feel ready to play again? Please check in with your sister and listen to what she wanted to tell you.”
If you choose to make a calm-down space in the house, it can include items like these:
-
Floor pillows
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Squeeze balls, yoga ball, and other tactile objects
-
Loveys
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Tent or teepee
-
Photo album of family members
-
Music
-
Notebook and writing/drawing materials
Repair and Circle Back
There will always be moments when we overreact, mishandle a situation, or say something we wish we could take back. This breakdown in communication—when our kids feel pushed away, punished, scared, or judged by us—is what clinicians call a “rupture.” Some ruptures are benign and part of the ebb and flow of daily life, like having a moment of mild to moderate frustration when your child ignores you or you lose your patience and raise your voice. We can’t always be perfectly in sync and it’s normal (and even healthy) for these benign ruptures to happen between kids and parents. Other ruptures are what psychiatrist Dan Siegel describes in Parenting from the Inside Out as “toxic,” and these are more disturbing to children; for example, screaming, hitting, insulting, or scaring a child. Over time, if these ruptures are not addressed, the child is left alone with feelings of shame and fear.
Ruptures need to be repaired. It’s good to repair benign ruptures, and it’s imperative to repair toxic ones. This also applies to fights between parents that happen in front of children. Repair is when we help our kids make sense of what happened. It brings us back together and kids get the sense that we’re still “with” them, even if something difficult happened. Repair is part of how babies and children build trust—they see that even when people disagree and become disconnected, they come back together again.
When you repair, you put a piece of the puzzle back into place.
Parents sometimes tell us they don’t want to repair because it undermines their authority. Others don’t repair because they feel guilty about what they’ve done, they think no one noticed, or they hope it’ll be forgotten if it’s not mentioned again. But memories don’t work this way. Kids notice and register our words and reactions all the time. If they feel a rupture, they log it and it stays with them. If they can’t make sense out of why it happened, the memory can be stored in a way that compromises their future relationships. It’s like a piece of the puzzle is missing.
This is an opportunity we don’t want you to miss. It’s not important or (even helpful) for you to be perfect, and owning your mistakes can be a humbling moment that levels the playing field in a good way. This is a chance to reinforce that you’re not afraid to talk about tough moments and mistakes. Your children need you to model this in order to accept and embrace their own imperfect moments and mistakes throughout their lives. Being aware of moments when you lose it or react in a harsh or misattuned way is the first step. The next step, once you feel calm, is to go back and help your child make sense of those bumpy times. Be open to apologizing, owning your reactions, or just circling back to debrief. Say something like,
Remember what happened yesterday? I was really feeling frustrated, did you notice that? I used a loud voice and I got upset. I think I forgot to take some deep breaths. What I meant to say was . . .
Mom and I used loud voices with each other earlier today. I’m sure you could tell we were upset. We weren’t understanding each other, and that happens even for grown-ups! We had to work at listening and coming up with a new plan.
Wow, I really used a mad voice just now and forgot to let you know I understand your idea. I am here to help figure this out. Let me try again.
I’m sorry I got frustrated and grabbed that toy from you in the store. Next time, I’ll help you put it back yourself.
Even if you handled the moment as you wanted to, you can always ask questions or make observations.
Are you feeling better? What do you think happened there?
So, I took the train set and put it away, and that made you feel sad? Got it. Anything else I missed about what happened?
Is there anything you think we could do differently next time?
ALP is a practice that, over time, becomes your go-to habit. It might feel difficult; you will “mess up” sometimes and you won’t get it perfect—that’s okay, doing it perfectly is not the point. Parenting is made up of thousands of small moments that together tell a story that can be beautiful and meaningful. Don’t worry too much about getting it right every time. In fact, you’ll see that even messing up is an opportunity for good.
ALP Cheat Sheet
ATTUNE: Let your child know that you understand.
Listen and watch
Pause
Acknowledge
Look beneath the surface
Bend or squat down
Say, “Tell me more”
Make eye contact and nod
Say what you see, or “sportscast”
Paraphrase, or the “good waiter”
Use feelings words
Be receptive and nonjudgmental
Give space if needed
LIMIT SET: Tell your child how it really is and briefly say why.
Set the limit or state the reality
Be calm
Don’t ask questions
State family rules
Be consistent
Explain briefly
PROBLEM SOLVE: Explore better choices, suggest ways your child can help solve the dilemma.
Create
Be positive
Give choices
Push the envelope
Collaborate
Use humor
Use your “bumbling parent”