CHAPTER SIX
Sibling Relationships
Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.
—Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Mara was at a loss and felt like a bad parent. It seemed like her three kids fought, grabbed, name-called, and teased each other constantly. She’d thought, having multiple kids, that they would play together, but instead of playing, they were ready to fight at every turn. If the three-year-old wasn’t pinching the baby when the mother’s back was turned, the five-year-old was pulling her sister’s hair the moment she got frustrated, along with slamming her door and screaming. The baby would cry; the others would sulk; and this went on day after day. It wasn’t the happy family Mara had imagined, and she worried about the future of their relationships with each other. She didn’t understand why they didn’t get along and found herself resorting to yelling and threatening on a daily basis. It felt bad, but she didn’t know what else to do. The only thing that seemed to bring peace to the household was to separate the kids.
Sibling Conflicts Turned Opportunities
Sibling conflict tops the list of many parenting challenges. It can be among the most intense, frequent, and seemingly difficult pattern to improve. We hear moms and dads express not only frustration and helplessness but also profound sadness that their kids don’t get along. They had envisioned a different kind of family from the one emerging in their homes.
In this chapter, we want to explore and possibly shift your assumptions about why this conflict is so common, while also giving you clear steps and many examples for gradually improving the overall atmosphere in your home. After all the hard work of being a parent, we want you to look forward to reaping more positive results, now and in the future.
The great news is that sibling issues give your kids a chance to practice invaluable life skills. How you help your kids navigate difficult moments with each other will have an impact on their relationships for the rest of their lives. When you use ALP, your kids soak up this way of being and eventually they start to use it with each other. This is a chance to model and practice empathy, and to teach your kids how to ask for empathy from others and to state personal limits: I’m telling you clearly how I feel and what I think. Or, Can you please listen and just let me know you understand me? Think about how helpful these skills will be with their future partners!
What Causes Sibling Conflict and Rivalry?
Siblings have conflicts for many reasons—and some of these are “good” and healthy. For example:
-
Siblings feel secure enough with each other to work out issues of control, leadership, identity, and communicating their needs and feelings.
-
Home is a safe place to let big feelings show and to conduct experiments in social dynamics and cause and effect. (“If I say this, what will her reaction be?” “How far can I push this before she snaps?”)
-
When siblings fight, they’re showing their parents that they have a need for guidance, clear rules, family meetings, and other needs covered in chapter 2.
-
Big feelings about ownership, territory, and whose turn it is are normal among siblings.
-
Children go through developmentally normal stages of a very right or wrong, rigid, or black-and-white. understanding of rules and fairness, which causes friction.
-
Conflicts arise based on misunderstandings, often due to age differences.
-
Siblings get attention from their parents when they have conflicts.
-
Siblings can feel they need to compete for their parents’ attention.
-
One sibling, often the younger one, wants the attention and company of an older sibling but doesn’t know how to get it.
Our clients often have an aha moment or breathe a sigh of relief when we talk about this list, and most of them can add at least one or two more to it. Recently, a mom started to cry during this discussion, as she talked about her two sons. Her older son had always been antagonistic toward the younger one. With his friends he seemed to have endless patience, but with his younger brother he had zero. Everything irritated him and he scorned, teased, and judged every word that came out of the little one’s mouth. It was so painful for the mom to hear, and the more she tried to put a lid on it, the worse it got. One day he tripped his little brother and seemed to enjoy seeing him fall down and get hurt. In a fury, the mom took away electronics for a week. This seemed to make him even angrier at his little brother.
We asked her what she was thinking about during our discussion of what causes sibling conflict, and she said that she’d never really tried to look at this from her older son’s perspective. Now that she was, she had a few guesses as to what fueled his resentment toward his brother: the little brother needed more help from Mom and Dad because he was younger, he was accomplished in sports, and he often got more attention from visitors and family because he had a happy-go-lucky, easygoing nature. The mother also speculated that, among his friends, her older son was not necessarily a leader, and he might be trying to flex those dominant muscles with his younger sibling.
She didn’t have a perfect answer, but she didn’t need one. She was thinking below the tip of the iceberg. With this mind-set, over time the tone in the house changed. She came in one day with an accomplishment. There had been a very bad blowup, in which her son had slammed the door on his little brother’s arm. Normally she would have yelled, interrogated, and punished her son, but she did not. After making sure her younger one’s arm was okay, she took an incredibly long breath, steadied herself, and went into the older one’s room. He was on his bed balled up in a fit of rage, so she sat down on the floor, below his level. She put a hand on his back and stroked him for a minute, to let him know she was not there to yell. He started to cry,
“I hate him.”
“He made you furious,” said Mom.
He kept crying and she gave him more time, using her “good waiter” to paraphrase what he said instead of correcting or fixing. Eventually he got to something closer to the core of the problem, “No one likes me,” he said. This made his mom’s heart sink, but she held herself back from trying to talk him out of it. “I understand that feeling,” she told him.
Over time, in the weeks and months that followed, her son was able to talk more easily, and his mom understood he felt a little threatened by a younger, cuter, more endearing younger brother. The tension in the house went down and they had more fun together.
Enjoying Each Other versus Fighting— What’s the Ratio?
Conflict is normal with brothers and sisters. In the same way that kids are often well behaved at school but emotionally fragile and defiant at home, they can skip along brilliantly with friends while they butt heads with their sibling nonstop. We hear that pattern over and over. Almost every parent worries they’re doing something wrong.
A certain amount of fighting is healthy, because if it’s handled properly, it can bring siblings closer together and allow them to practice conflict resolution. One way to know whether the fighting in your house is healthy or problematic is to look at the proportion of positive to negative interactions between siblings. They should have more instances of playing, laughing, and enjoying each other than they do instances of yelling, tension, and separation. This proportion is more important for their long-term bond than having a completely happy and conflict-free relationship.
So how to turn challenging moments into ones of growth and connection? You know from earlier chapters that your goal is not simply to quiet things down and make conflict go away—if you think this way, your kids will reap only short-term benefits. Your goal is for them to be close and supportive to each other throughout their lives. We’ll start by shifting how you perceive siblings’ difficult moments.
Creating Positive Beliefs for Your Family to Help Siblings Get Closer
When you think about sibling relationships, what comes to mind? Do you think of them as mostly conflictual and negative, or loving and supportive? Do you emphasize individuality, or togetherness and team building? Are mottoes like “Look out for one another,” “Have each other’s back,” and “Family is precious” explicitly taught in your family? Do you have close relationships with your siblings and see them as precious?
“Oh, they can’t stand each other right now” and “They’re at each other’s throats; they need time apart” are comments we hear from parents a lot. This is a negative assumption about siblings that doesn’t help them grow closer. Believe us, we understand the sentiment; if your daughter laughs with an evil twinkle in her eye while your son cries at her meanness, or you hear “Get out of my room,” or “I hate you!” it can be hard to see their relationship with a positive view.
The truth is, though, that your children want to love each other, share, support each other, and get along. When they have conflicts, it’s a normal process of figuring out how to express oneself, how to listen, how to fit one’s own needs together with those of another person, and how to problem solve together. For the most part, they do want to be friends—it’s our job to help them work through the ups and downs to do this.
Commonly held negative beliefs about siblings (these are not helpful):
-
They are not supportive of each other.
-
There is constant competition.
-
Their fights are silly kid stuff.
-
Teasing, making fun, and demeaning are to be expected.
-
They have to vie for parents’ attention.
-
They need to be separated if they fight or argue.
-
__________________________________________
-
__________________________________________
-
__________________________________________
-
__________________________________________
A more hopeful and helpful set of beliefs about siblings:
-
Siblings have special and unique relationships.
-
Siblings know each other their whole lives. There is a depth to that history.
-
Siblings share a family culture and memories and, of course, a future.
-
Siblings support and teach each other.
-
Their conflicts deserve respect and their grievances with each other should be taken seriously.
-
Working through conflicts feels safer at home with siblings.
-
Conflict is always an opportunity to learn something helpful.
-
_____________________________________________
-
_____________________________________________
-
_____________________________________________
-
______________________________________________
You can take these two lists above and add your ideas to each one. What are your unhelpful beliefs about siblings? What could you add, from your experience and understanding, to the second list of more hopeful and helpful beliefs?
LET THEM HANDLE IT, OR SWOOP IN?
SCAFFOLD INSTEAD.
A lot of parents think that kids should be left to work things out on their own—this is how to teach them to be tough and solve their own problems. We do not see it this way at all. In fact, we see it as a missed opportunity. This is a chance to help kids learn and practice conflict resolution, just like any other skill set. In fact, it may be one of the most useful skill sets we can teach them, and this practice can start much younger than most people think.
On the other hand, if we hover or overcontrol, we leave little space for kids to practice their natural empathy and problem-solving skills. When you swoop in with a judgment or solution to a conflict, one or both kids often feels resentful as a result. We will help you find the balance. Your goal is to prompt and assist when needed (a lot, or all the time at first), and over time, kids adopt the language you use and learn to use it with each other. In the beginning, you may need to “get in there” many times every day, using ALP as your guide to asking them the right questions, prompting them to look at each other and say what they want directly, and even giving them the words to say to each other. Over time, they need your help less and less.
This is what psychologists call “scaffolding.” Think of yourself, the parent, as scaffolding on a building (the building is your kids). When the building is young and unsteady it needs more support. As the building grows taller and stronger, we gradually take our scaffolding down and give our kids space to navigate these difficult moments on their own. This is a normal developmental process—we don’t want to underhelp, nor do we want to overhelp. It’s a constant recalibration of this balance. Often parents overhelp (readers of The Happy Sleeper will recognize this concept) and are surprised by how capable and ready their kids are to do more (like sleep!) on their own. Even little kids can come up with ideas for how to solve conflicts. They are much more likely to do this if they get the feeling the adults around them value their contribution.
In keeping with these concepts of a positive, healthy vision for siblings and scaffolding conflict resolution, how do we apply our ALP model?
ALP in Sibling Conflicts
Scaffolding gives you a way to help less over time as kids learn how to resolve their own conflicts.
Here’s a summary of how you can use your attune, limit-setting, and problem-solving steps with sibling conflicts.
ALP FOR SIBLING CONFLICT
Safety: Calmly make sure everyone is safe.
Attune: Help your kids express their feelings to each other or about each other. Let them know you understand and try not to judge or blame. Pause; get on their level; be the sportscaster; gather more information. Wait until they are calm and receptive to problem solve.
I hear you guys are upset, what’s happening?
Janie has tears in her eyes and Jack, you’re laughing. Someone fill me in.
Limit set: Prompt kids to state limits to each other. State a limit to them if needed and briefly explain the reason.
Tell your sister what you’re trying to say in a clear voice so she understands.
We do not hit, because that hurts other people.
Problem solve: Prompt kids to come up with a plan. If they cannot, offer ideas.
Okay, so now, what’s your plan?
Yes, that’s a toughie. I bet you’ll figure it out.
Let’s divide the building tiles into two piles so you each know what you’re working with.
Safety Step
As with physical behaviors talked about in chapter 4, make sure everyone is safe first before you move to ALP. Depending on the ages of the siblings and on the nuances of the moment, the safety step can be putting a hand between two little heads about to bonk into each other, kindly but firmly holding hitting hands, or telling kids to stop the behavior immediately. Communicate that any physical behaviors (hitting, pushing, kicking, biting, pinching) are 100 percent not okay and your job as a parent is to start by making sure they stop before you do anything else. It’s key to stay calm and nonjudgmental. Try this internal mantra (which you can even say out loud at times): “Mommy (or Daddy) will stop you every time until you learn to stop yourself.” This reminds you that this approach is a process. Repetition (maybe more than you ever imagined) may be necessary for kids to learn.
Attune
When you’re faced with a challenging sibling moment, you will attune to both children, and also help them attune to each other. This is not a one-time trick, in which you can expect your children to gush with understanding for each other instantly. It’s a practice and a way of being that builds their awareness of and connection to each other over time.
Sibling grievances can seem really silly. “She got more slices of mango!” “Waaaaa, he beat me to the car!” (Sobbing uncontrollably in the parking lot.) “Get your foot off my side of the couch!” If you put yourself in your kids’ shoes, though (or remember your own childhood), these moments are real and genuine. You don’t have to wallow in them, but when you acknowledge these feelings, rather than dismissing them, your kids feel taken seriously and understood. You’ll have much more success helping them with the limit-setting and problem-solving steps.
Attune Tool #1:
Let Them Be Mad or Sad, and Love Each Other Too
One of our best tools as parents is to let siblings have intense and complicated feelings toward each other. If you try to put a lid on these feelings, they will come out in other ways, like resentment, competition, detachment, physical behaviors, and more. Acknowledge emotions as real, and passing, like the waves in a storm:
“I hate him! He’s the meanest brother in the world. I wish he wasn’t my brother.” What could you say to a child who says this about her sibling?
(Instead of) Oh, don’t say that. You love him. He’s your brother!
(Say) You sound absolutely furious at him right now.
Sometimes you want him to just go away. He hurt your feelings really badly.
Parents are often hesitant to do this, but if you let the “negative” feelings be okay, they will eventually pass. Woven into those feelings of anger and fury at a sibling are also feelings of love. If you let the anger run its course, the love and enjoyment will surface again.
Attune Tool #2:
Should You Intervene?
If siblings are in conflict, pause and see if this is a moment for you to intervene or not. If they are mildly bickering, let them be. If you always impose solutions, one or both kids can end up feeling resentful, and they don’t get a chance to work it out on their own. Notice the signs that you are needed: Are voices getting louder and more rigid? Is one child yelling louder because the other is not listening? Is one child (or both) tired, hungry, or overstimulated? Resolving conflicts takes a well of patience, and when kids are running low on it, they’re more likely to need us to step in. Over time, with practice and your scaffolding, kids become better and better at talking to each other and need your help less. Don’t expect this to happen right away, though. There will be many years (or maybe decades!) when you can help them understand each other and communicate. Sometimes you can step in at the most helpful point, early on, to assist and head off a bigger dispute.
If you hear things starting to go south, poke your head in with preemptive attunement:
(Instead of) Hey, hey, hey, settle down in here. I don’t want to hear any more of this.
(Say) Do you guys need some help figuring things out?
Can you give me some information about what’s happening?
Attune Tool #3:
The Sportscaster, Good Waiter, and More
The sportscaster is one of the best techniques you can use to help siblings. As you know from chapter 1, the sportscaster observes without judgment and says what is happening, giving the play-by-play. Do not take sides, find blame, or try to shut down communication. Let’s imagine you hear voices rising in the other room and you open the door to find one daughter looking confused and guilty, while the other one is screaming, “Take my sweater off. You always do this!”
(Instead of) If I have to tell you one more time! Why did you take her clothes again?
(Say) Okay, Emma, you’re really angry. Natalie, you’re wearing Emma’s sweater and you look like you’re not sure what to do next.
After they’ve told you what’s happened, repeat it back (paraphrase, as in the good waiter) without solving it for them,
So, Natalie, you’re saying you really wanted to wear it and you thought if you asked, she’d say no. It seemed better just to do it. Emma, you love that sweater and worry it will get dirty. I see. I get why this was a tough one. Am I missing anything?
If you start this way, your kids can begin to hear each other and work out a solution. Try to paraphrase for them before jumping in with your own ideas. See if they can problem solve on their own.
The investigative reporter technique. If you didn’t see what happened, then, without bias, imagine you’re just appearing on the scene and your role is to collect information about both kids. You can even be the head-scratching, bumbling parent and act a little confused and unsure.
(Instead of) Hey, Natalie, what did you do now?
(Say something like) Ooh, what’s happening here?
Whoa, I hear this. Can you both help me understand?
Can you guys tell me about this?
Let’s back up. Can you fill me in?
Think out loud. Make your process of understanding them transparent—this helps your kids learn, and it also keeps you all on the same team.
We might have to take a few deep breaths before we can understand this better.
I can see why you guys got stuck here.
Hm, let me think for a minute—I want to listen to both of you.
Attune Tool #4:
Show Equal Empathy, Even to the “Perpetrator”
This may be one of the trickiest parts of helping siblings resolve conflicts: to see the “victim” and the “perpetrator” each with equal kindness and curiosity. The one who, in a traditional sense, would be labeled the perpetrator is sometimes the one who needs your empathy and guidance more. It doesn’t mean you will excuse misbehavior or breaking rules.
“I get so mad at Aiden for provoking and teasing his sister that I yell at him and send him to time-out constantly—he’s out of control!” A mom shared this with us on the topic of siblings. As we talked, she realized, first of all, that she didn’t intervene early enough—her kids needed more scaffolding. She was hoping they would work it out and left it too long before helping. But she also realized that Aiden needed more empathy, not more punishments. Yelling at him was making it worse—giving him the reputation of the “difficult” one, making him feel resentful and more likely to act out toward his sister.
One afternoon, she heard her daughter start to whine miserably. She poked her head in to watch and saw that Aiden was having a grand old time teasing her about her braces, and he seemed to enjoy seeing her eyes well up with tears. She remembered what it was like to be teased herself. She instantly felt angry and wanted to yell, “Hey, go to your room right now. That is not okay! Time-out!” Instead, she got closer to them and said, Aiden, your sister looks pretty sad about whatever it is you’re saying to her (sportscaster). She squatted down between them and put a hand on both of them. Can you tell me what’s happening (investigative reporter)? Aiden seemed unremorseful, which irritated her. But she also knew she hadn’t seen him all day and realized this “bad behavior” was the reason for their first real conversation (iceberg analogy). We don’t name-call because that hurts people’s feelings (limit). I know I’ve been on the computer since you guys got home from school. . . . I’m wondering if you’re missing our time when we hang out together and have a snack? (problem solve).
It turned out she was right. Aiden needed a moment of downtime with his mom after not seeing her all day. The rest of the afternoon, she didn’t hear him provoke his sister at all. Mom continued working on using the attune step in this way and Aiden’s relationship with his sister gradually improved. At first Mom was worried about being indulgent, but she didn’t excuse the teasing. By intervening sooner, she helped Aiden understand himself better. He learned that he didn’t need to “act out” his feelings—he could ask for what he needed directly. Having his sister witness all of this also helped her have more empathy for what was really going on with him.
Staying neutral as much as possible will help kids not feel unfairly blamed. For example, one sibling may be more physically aggressive, so she may be the one who gets blamed for doing something wrong. But was she provoked by her sister’s verbal aggression? Some kids are adept at mentally provoking their siblings, causing the siblings to act out in a more obvious way. Do your best to approach each situation with an open mind. This is something we practice in all of our relationships and it can be most challenging when faced with a sibling spat.
Let’s take a typical sibling clash: Julia and Colin are playing in their bedroom. All of a sudden, the mom hears a thump, and one kid starts to cry. The mom runs in to see Julia standing there holding a toy phone and Colin holding his head and crying. When they see their mom, Julia starts to cry and drops the phone, and Colin cries even harder.
What should the mom do? She’d be pretty justified in assuming Julia smacked her brother over the head with the phone, so we wouldn’t be surprised if she said something like, Julia, what did you do? No hitting your brother!
Instead, she takes a different approach. She goes over to both kids, gets on their level, and holds Colin in her arm while touching Julia with her other hand. Whoa, are you okay? Let me see your head, she says to Colin as she makes sure he’s okay. What happened? she says to both kids, while still touching them and being on their level. Her body language and touch make Julia feel like she isn’t shaming or judging her, so she shares information. He wasn’t playing my game, says Julia. Ah, you wanted to play a certain game, and Colin had a different idea? You got frustrated and hit him with the phone (good waiter)? Now the mom has more facts. I see. Remember our family rule about being safe with each other’s bodies, she says. Check in with Colin and let’s see if he needs an ice pack.
Attune Tool #5:
Help Your Kids Attune to Each Other
This is a hugely valuable skill to teach your kids. Eventually, it will become their go-to way of dealing with difficult moments. Help each of the siblings see the issue from the other’s perspective. Ask questions that point them toward empathy for the other.
I can see she’s having some feelings about this. What do you think is going on?
Why do you think he did that?
Can you tell her what you’re thinking about right now?
He looks sad—I wonder why. Do you know?
Tell her how that made you feel.
Can you ask him to please listen to how you feel?
Attune Tool #6:
Compare in a Helpful Way
It’s so tempting to compare your kids to each other. You may think, How better for them to learn than if I point out how well or how badly their sibling is performing? “Can’t you just finish your homework and do it neatly, like your sister does?” “Your brother is helping and you’re not!” “She’s my easy child. Her sister is another story.” This contributes to siblings feeling competitive or resentful of each other. Instead, see each of your children as unique and able individuals who need your guidance when they’re not doing so well as their siblings. Kids need to be shown that everyone is on their unique path to learning and developing skills.
Jackie is still learning about not hitting.
Ben just learned to walk so he hasn’t learned to run yet.
There are so many types of “smarts,” aren’t there?
Danny, do you remember when you started playing this game and it was frustrating to you? What do you think would help Louise?
Kids naturally compare themselves to each other. Jack was a dad of two who was trying to help his daughter relax about learning to read. She had an avid reader for an older brother and now that she was in kindergarten, she was coming home saying things like “I’ll never learn to read. I’m the worst reader in the world. I’m the worst sister in the world.” When Jack said, “What? That’s crazy, you’re great! Don’t worry, you’re so smart. Soon you’ll be reading just like your brother,” she seemed to sulk even more and say she didn’t want to try. He was missing a chance to attune. We suggested he try a different framework for differences: It’s a challenge, this learning to read stuff, isn’t it? It feels frustrating in the beginning. Did you know that it’s not really important how fast you read, but it’s more important to let your brain enjoy the workout? You’ll find different ideas and solve different puzzles in a book than your brother—that’s the beauty of reading.
Children will express a natural curiosity about people who are different from them. These moments are opportunities for parents to model not just accepting, but embracing, differences.
When feelings are intense, one or both kids are overloaded, (and you’re not in a public place where the behavior is disruptive), stay in the attune step and give them time to get their feelings out and ride the bigger wave of the storm before you move on to the limit-setting and the problem-solving step. As long as everyone is safe and not destroying anything, taking this time is exactly what they need. These episodes, to little kids, can literally feel like the end of the world. They need to know we understand and will stay nearby until they are calmer and open to talking and figuring things out.
Sometimes the attune step will do it. If your kids seem reconciled and find a resolution on their own or go back to playing or hanging out without friction, you’re done. Especially if you’re certain they are fully aware of the limit or family rule, there’s no need for you to repeat it. Once they know the rules, it really helps to let them know that we know they know. If you know what we mean!
If, on the other hand, a rule is still being broken or the squabble is continuing, you will move right on to the limit-setting step.
Limit Set
With siblings, limit setting goes in multiple directions. You, as a parent, will state a limit to your children. The bonus—and where the real beauty and opportunity lies in sibling conflicts—is to teach them to state their own limits to each other.
Limit-Setting Tool #1:
Help Siblings Set Limits with Each Other
As with the attune step, you want to also teach your kids how to use the limit-setting step with each other. Learning and practicing how to set personal limits and boundaries in a calm, confident, and kind way is an incredible relationship skill for life. So many of us can relate to this, as we can tend to get angry or resentful when our limits are being challenged, instead of simply being clear and self-possessed.
Depending on your kids’ ages and skill levels, look for opportunities to help them state their own limits to each other. If they can do it in a spirit of really communicating their needs, it will increase their understanding of each other and, in turn, their mutual empathy will grow. This is how the ratio of positive to negative moments with each other will increase.
In the case of Aiden teasing his sister about her braces, we asked the mom how she could coach her daughter to set limits in a way that Aiden could really hear them, rather than just whining and getting upset. She had great ideas for what her daughter could tell him when he started teasing her:
You’re teasing me and that’s not okay. It hurts my feelings.
I’m going in the other room. I’m not playing with you if you’re teasing me. It’s not fun.
Just as we’re asking you to tell kids what you do want, you can teach them to do the same with one another. This is an incredibly helpful skill—teaching children to stand up for what they think and want, and to have clear boundaries. It also turns around the bickering, whining, and complaining a lot of parents witness between siblings.
WHEN YOU SAY . . .
Okay, now tell her what you DO want.
Let him know what you’re thinking.
What are you trying to tell him?
Did you have a different idea—what was it?
Let’s ask him what he wanted.
IT WILL HELP THEM SAY TO EACH OTHER . . .
I’m not okay with that game.
This is too rough!
Your body is too close to me.
I need space.
I was working with that and I’m not done.
Can I please have a turn after you?
I don’t like that—please stop.
Name-calling hurts my feelings.
I want to play my own game for a while, then we can play together.
Tell me what you want, not what you don’t want, please!
Limit-Setting Tool #2:
Use the “I Know You Guys Know This, But . . .” Tone
State the family agreements and rules with an “I know you guys totally know this rule already” tone of voice. We believe in our kids and want to interact with them assuming the best—assuming they have good intentions, know the rules, and will follow them (they just need help navigating and reminders).
You guys know that hitting is never okay. Tell her how you feel with words.
Right, and we know we don’t throw toys, so . . .
Well, and since we park our toys and screens while we’re eating . . .
So, hmm, we don’t name-call. I think what you’re trying to say is . . .
Problem Solve
Problem-Solving Tool #1:
Invite Suggestions with “Can You Come Up with a Plan?”
Prompt your kids to problem solve with each other. Say something like
Okay, so what plan could you guys have?
I bet you guys will figure out what to do next. I’m here if you get stuck.
Use your head-scratching, bumbling parent stance here.
Hmm, okay, so now that we know the rules, I wonder—what could you do instead?
So you guys are each giving me information. Now, Mary, what do you think the solution could be?
Joey, what’s your idea for what to do now?
As long as the plans and ideas your kids come up with are safe and everyone agrees, follow their lead and let them be the ones to own the plan. Often little kids move on and drop the toy they were playing with or forget about the once-contentious dilemma altogether. That’s okay, it’s the precedent of sharing ideas and problem solving in the moment that is important.
Problem-Solving Tool #2:
Redirect with “Hey, Look Over There!”
Are your kids just caught in a stuck moment? Is one or both hungry, bored, tired? We don’t want you to avoid conflicts or just smooth things over, but sometimes kids just need our help shifting the energy. A change of scenery or just good old-fashioned distraction works wonders, especially with babies and little kids. If you notice tension rising, sometimes you can catch it before it gets out of control.
Announce it’s smoothie-making time, everyone report to the kitchen.
Move bodies, go outside to run around, get the wiggles out, and get fresh air.
Put on music—a soundtrack can change everything.
Have an impromptu dance party.
Give your kids a common project, goal, or task:
Oh, I super duper need help loading those twigs into that bucket over there . . .
You know what would be amazing? I don’t know if you guys can do this, but is there any way you could line up all those blocks to reach from one side of the room to the other? I wonder what that would look like.
Problem-Solving Tool #3:
Checking In Instead of Saying Sorry
As described in chapter 4, saying sorry is just fine, but there are more helpful ways to support empathy and help your kids reconnect with each other. Say something that directs one child’s attention to the other’s thoughts and feelings or suggests a way to help the other person.
Check in with Mary. I see she’s looking sad.
Ask him if he needs anything.
Come with me and we’ll get an ice pack for Henry.
When your body is feeling more calm, check in with your sister.
(Checking in when someone’s body or feelings are hurt can be a family agreement. See here.)
Remember the repair-and-circle-back step from chapter 1? The same ideas apply here. We don’t have to sweep conflict under the rug and just pray it doesn’t happen again—let your kids see that you’re comfortable talking about it.
Hey, you guys, I was thinking about what happened yesterday. I have an idea and want your thoughts too.
Do you guys feel better about what happened? How did you figure it out?
Remember to wait until the storm has passed before you repair. In the midst of high tensions and emotional floods, information will not be received and integrated well, so this isn’t the time to teach.
“PLAY NICE!”
PEER RELATIONSHIPS AND SOCIAL SKILLS
Many of the concepts in this chapter apply to conflicts that arise at the park or on playdates, at school, and in other social situations. The major difference is that your family rules only apply to your family, and how your own kids behave out in the world. You can’t really affect the behavior of a nonsibling playmate. Peer conflicts are a great opportunity for this reason—for your kids’ whole lives, there will always be people in the world who don’t have the same ideas as they do, people who do things they don’t like or understand.
Attune
Conflicts with friends and classmates are a chance to guide kids toward being curious, instead of reactive. We can prompt kids to look beneath the surface with peers:
Emily talked to you in a way you really didn’t like, huh? I wonder what was going on with her today.
I know Mark was upset about losing the game. Do you think that’s why he said you messed up?
Did you know that Jake just moved here? It’s not easy making all new friends.
Rene sometimes is really quiet at the beginning of the day. She just needs time.
Limit Set
When peer conflicts arise, you may need to state a limit or a reality. Prompt your children to state their own limits and boundaries to friends, state their wishes, and get their ideas across.
What could you tell her so she understands your idea clearly?
We can’t control what other people do. But we can control what we decide to do.
Could you tell her in a loud, strong voice to stop?
Give her that information.
Do you want to let her know you were working with that?
Problem Solve
Your child could propose a solution, or when the other child is not open to resolving the conflict, her choices will include walking away, taking a break, and staying calm, even while holding her ground. This nonreactive behavior can really defuse these conflicts and kids end up feeling capable and in charge, instead of like the victim.
A client of ours shared how she helped her preschool-age daughter speak up for herself. One evening at dinner, her daughter told her a friend had taken the blocks and pushed her out of the way. Her daughter has a gentle nature, so Mom and daughter practiced advocating for yourself, using what they called the “strong voice.” Mom had to encourage her to really speak up, in a clear and loud way, to get the message across, and they role-played it:
Mom: Let’s practice that strong voice right now. Pretend I’m Sammy and I’ve just taken the blocks from you.
Daughter: I don’t like being pushed! I’m playing with the blocks now.
The same applied when she started playing sports—they practiced bumping into people and holding your ground. Now as an elementary schooler, she’s a super confident kid who speaks up for herself.
If bullying is occurring, it’s a good idea to find out what the policies are at the school or other facility regarding bullying and make sure your child knows about them. Often kids are being bullied and they don’t know what to do. As with other difficult subjects, talk about bullying openly before a problem arises. What it is, what it looks like, and what to do about it. It’s also possible that your child is the one doing the bullying. In this case, use the tools in this chapter to look beneath the tip of the iceberg, while also firmly and consistently holding limits on the behaviors. You will also have to guide the process of repair. It’s especially challenging to us as parents when our child is the “perpetrator.” Be kind to yourself, be ready to attune first, and know that you have an effective ALP plan handy.
Problem-Solving Tool #4:
Reframe, “No Fair!”
Each child needs your empathy, but they won’t all have exactly the same needs, limits, or outcomes. Your older child may have a later bedtime or be allowed to use the sharp knife to cut food. One child may need more one-on-one attention to do homework. One child may get a Popsicle after a doctor visit, much to the devastation of the other, who later sees the wrapper. Little kids can often get caught up in things being exactly the same. Rather than making sure each child has equal toys or exactly the same treatment, address each child’s individual needs as a separate person. You’ll help and respond to each of them in their unique way.
You two are different people. Different ideas, wants, and needs.
When you’re younger, your body is growing so much that you need more sleep. Your brother needs ten hours of sleep at night and your body needs twelve.
Yes, your brother needed something cold to eat after the doctor’s office. That was something that happened just to him today. Hey, it was kind of like when you and I stopped at the doughnut shop after getting a flu shot!
PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR A NEW BABY
A new sibling can be a big adjustment for some kids, and it’s not just the few weeks surrounding the birth—the ripple effects of a new sibling can last years. It changes the family forever. If you need help seeing this from your child’s perspective, imagine what it would be like to come home introducing your husband to the “new addition”—a second husband.
You’re going to love him.
I have enough love for both of you.
He’ll be your new brother and you can teach him things.
These would all miss the mark, wouldn’t they? The point is to empathize with how it truly feels to your older child to have an addition to the family.
Our family feels different now that the baby is here. Daddy’s still getting used to it too.
It’s not so easy taking care of a baby, is it? I wish I had more time to play with you.
I miss you—I could use some snuggles while I feed the baby.
You can set the sibling relationship on the right foot with how you talk to the older brother or sister about the new addition.
Before the Baby Arrives
-
Tell your older child about when she was born and what she was like as a baby. Explain how you took care of her and all the things she couldn’t do then that she can do now.
-
Make her a book, using pictures and simple sentences, telling the story of her life from birth to the present day. Leave blank pages at the end to add new events, including the arrival of the baby.
-
Display her baby photos in your home where she can see them.
-
Read storybooks about the addition of a new baby to the family and what babies are like.
-
If your child is interested, get her a baby doll for pretend play and show her how you held her and soothed her when she was tiny.
-
Take her to a prenatal visit. If possible, let her listen to the baby’s heartbeat and maybe see him moving and kicking in the ultrasound.
-
Sing and talk together to your baby.
-
Try to avoid moving her from her crib to a bed right before the baby arrives.
-
Explain the plan for when you go to the hospital.
-
You can have your child help you pack your bag for the hospital and include a toy for the new baby.
-
Let her express all feelings about the new baby. Empathize with those feelings and don’t try to correct or talk her out of them.
After the Baby Is Born
-
Have a quiet family moment when you bring the baby home for the first time.
-
If you can put the baby down before your child walks in to meet him for the first time, you will have your arms open to greet your older child, then meet the new baby together.
-
Invite your child to “help” you with the new baby (hand you a diaper; talk, read, and sing to him; or help you figure out what he needs). Be careful not to treat her like a little parent, though; she still needs to be a child.
-
If your child is too rough, use ALP to help her learn to touch and hold the baby gently, rather than reprimanding or saying “Don’t touch.” (See script here with Naomi and her baby brother.)
-
There are many parts of your daily routine that you can do with both kids (reading books, taking a bath, playing, or going on outings). You can read to your child while you are feeding the baby or have her play nearby with you looking on.
-
Find time to play alone with your child for at least thirty minutes every day, if possible. She needs these intervals to reconnect and reestablish trust and a secure bond with you, considering this profound change in your family.
-
Allow your child to have mixed feelings about the baby and empathize with how she feels. You can even share her feelings on some level.
-
Every now and then, tell the baby he needs to wait (as you will often need to say to your older child): Wait a minute, baby. I’ll be right there. Ruby and I are getting pj’s on and we’ll be right back to help you in a sec.
-
It’s very normal for your child’s behavior to temporarily regress. Potty training may stall, bedtime can get rocky, and she may even want to drink milk from a bottle again. Without a big reaction from you, let this be okay. It will pass if you don’t label it in a negative way.
Scripts and Conversations
Scripts
Baby and Toddler
SCENARIO: Will is pinching his baby sister when Mom and Dad aren’t watching.
SCENARIO: Lilly tells her dad, “I wish I were a baby . . .”*
* No limit setting is needed in this scenario.
SCENARIO: Your seven-month-old baby starts pulling his twin brother’s hair. The brother starts to cry.
SCENARIO: Naomi, your two-year-old, is playing too roughly with her four-month-old brother. The baby gets upset.
SCENARIO: Cassie, nine months old, and Ethan, her two-year-old brother, are playing on the floor. Cassie starts grabbing a ball from Ethan, who starts to yell.
SCENARIO: Ten-month-old Oliver has started biting his two-year-old sister, Abigail, when he feels frustrated or excited.
SCENARIO: Gary really wants to play with his baby brother, but he’s being too rough and swinging the stroller around too wildly.
Toddler and School-Age Child
SCENARIO: Luke wants to play with his older sister, Maddie. She dismisses him and he provokes her to try to get her to play. She finally loses it—she starts calling him names and saying “You’re a stupid head.” Luke starts to cry.
SCENARIO: The older brother says his little sister gets more help. “You never let me do that!” “You always do things for her.” “You never make her clean up her dishes . . .”
* The reality step is in place of the limit setting, because no limit applies in this scenario.
SCENARIO: The kids are vying for your attention. They’re putting on a talent show and one keeps hogging the limelight.
SCENARIO: “That’s not fair! How come he got an ice cream after school and I didn’t?”
SCENARIO: Your older, more rational child is building paper airplanes. The younger, tornado-like child destroys them.
Conversations
My Piano Teacher
Abby wasn’t expecting to have a chance to practice her ALP skills when she told her nine-year-old son, Harry, that his younger brother, Liam, was going to start taking piano lessons with the same teacher Harry had been studying with for a few years. To her surprise, Harry fell apart and cried, inconsolably, in her arms for twenty minutes. Abby resisted the urge to judge, dismiss, or jolly away Harry’s feelings. She stayed curious and after some time passed, Harry was finally able to explain.
Miss Jasmine is my teacher. I don’t want to share her.
You feel like she’s just for you and not for Liam?
Yes, it’s like it’s my thing only I get to do and I really like Miss Jasmine.
So maybe, if Liam took lessons from her too, it wouldn’t feel so special?
Yeah.
I understand exactly what you mean. It’s hard to think about sharing someone you’ve spent so much happy time with. You’ve also worked hard and learned a lot from her.
I know.
Did I tell you that Miss Jasmine told me she really loves teaching you? She said that you have a wonderful feeling when you play and also that it means a lot to her that you take your practicing so seriously.
She did?
She did.
Huh, well, Liam will have to start with the same beginner’s music that I did.
You’re right, he will.
Abby didn’t have to do any more. Harry recovered and, going forward, was fine about Liam starting lessons. All he needed was to be seen and heard and understood.