A recent study showed that people who took on the role of a powerful character in a video game for just ninety seconds were more likely to flirt with someone they found attractive afterward than were the folks who didn’t play the game.¹ There’s a lesson to be learned here, and it’s not just about flirting and video games: Doing something that makes us feel confident makes us, well, feel confident. So if you’re anxious about sexual communication, one way to work up the nerve is to make sure to do things beforehand that are likely to give you a shot of power. Maybe you’re a great cook and you know you can turn out a fantastic dinner. Maybe you’re a strong athlete and you want to get a killer workout in. We all have things that make us feel capable and awesome. If you think you may need to do some challenging sexual chatting, find ways to work some confidence-boosters into the hours leading up to it.

As Heidi points out, even just reminding yourself of past accomplishments can work: “No matter what I’m scared to do I think, Okay, Heidi, you got rid of everything you own, you put everything in a car to move cross-country to live with someone you’ve never met, you can go to a fucking club. And that helps.”

Dive In: Make a list of things you’re great at. Things that make you feel powerful, or at least super-competent. List at least ten things.

Now, identify something you’re nervous about this week, whether it’s a big meeting at work or a first date. If you haven’t got anything to be nervous about this week, congratulations! But also: Pick something that makes you nervous and do it. (Those of you who are shy about flirting with people you’re attracted to or asking people out, this is a great opportunity to do just that. Grab a friend and go out to a club or event where there are likely to be people you’ll be interested in, or take the plunge and email that person you’ve had your eye on via an online dating site.) Whatever you choose to do, before you face your fears, do something from your confidence list, even for just a little while.

Do It Anyway

One of the most powerful lessons I took away from both learning and teaching self-defense is this: You can be afraid and be strong at the same time. You can be afraid and do it (whatever “it” is that you know you need to do but scares you) anyway.

We’ve spent a good deal of time in this book talking about rejecting fear. And that’s an awesome goal. But in reality, it doesn’t always come easy. Unlearning fear can take a long time, and some fears just never go away. If you wait until you’re not afraid, that day may never come, or it may come too late. One of the best gifts you can give yourself is to learn that fear doesn’t have to mean freezing. Remember what we discussed about how feelings aren’t facts? Well, this is a great example. You can feel your fear and act anyway, like Mag did:

I’m very very afraid of letting people know how vulnerable I am. I’m worried they’ll either be disgusted or take advantage, so I try to pass off my emotions with self-deprecating humor. Recently, I was trying to build up my courage to grab someone’s hand, but was too scared and proud to outright do it. I had to tell on myself and say, “I’m building up my courage to do something very dorky. Hold on a moment.” Then I took a deep breath and did it. We held hands the rest of the night, and the next morning he reached out and took my hand. I felt dazed but happy, and proud that I did something about how I felt.

Dive In: Write a letter to your fear. Give it a name if you want, or even draw a picture of it. Then write it a letter telling it that you’re in charge now. Tell it that you’ll listen to it, you’ll consider what it has to say, but ultimately, you’re going to do what you need and want to do, and it can come along if it wants, but it can’t stop you. Don’t worry if you believe yourself or not. Write it as if you believe it.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Ultimately, there’s no way to get better at sexual communication without doing it. Think of it as a muscle that will get stronger only if you use it—it’s going to hurt at first. It may feel sore afterward. If you don’t do it regularly, you may not see much of a result (or at least it will take a very long time to see the results you want). On the other hand, if you start small, warm up, and gradually, regularly work your way up, you’ll find that things that used to seem impossible are now second nature. Whether it’s making sure you talk about STDs or confessing a private fantasy, it will all come more easily the more often you do it.

Dive In: This is the first of a series of practice conversations I’ll be asking you to have this week. For each of them, choose the option that works best for you:

• Have the conversation with an actual partner or friend—whomever you want to have the conversation with for real.

• Ask a friend to role-play the conversation with you in person. Tell them how you want the person they’re playing (whether a hypothetical partner or a real, specific person) to respond, or leave it up to them.

• Ask a friend to role-play the conversation with you using technology: You could both have your avatar in Second Life or The Sims have the conversation, or you could have it over Skype, or chat, or the phone—pick one that feels best to you.

• Play the conversation out yourself in your notebook, writing both parts, one with your left hand, the other with your right.

For this exercise, practice talking with a friend about sex. Pick something you might not normally confide in a friend about, and try it out. How does it feel to say these things out loud? How does your friend respond, and how do those responses feel? Try to pick someone you trust to respond respectfully.

Now that you’re ready to get your mouth moving (I meant for talking! Well, and for other stuff, too . . . ), let’s get specific about the subject matter you’ll want to cover.

ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT

Enthusiastic consent is a simple but crucial principle. What it means is this: It’s your partner’s responsibility to ensure that you’re not just “not objecting” to what’s happening between you, sexually speaking, that you’re not just allowing whatever’s happening to happen. Instead, your partner has to ensure that you’re actively enjoying what’s going down between the two (or more) of you. And this is equally important: You have the same responsibility to your partner.

Why is enthusiastic consent important? Well, for one, it ensures that everyone’s having a good time, and isn’t that a good thing? Beyond that, it does several important things:

• It gets past our common cultural assumptions that women are responsible for saying no, and if we don’t, or don’t do it loudly or repeatedly enough, whatever happens is “our fault.” Enthusiastic consent creates a standard where only “yes!” means yes.

• It encourages us to be in ongoing communication with our partners, which fosters playfulness, trust, connection, and dirty talk. (We’ll get to dirty talk more in a little bit.)

• It allows us to let go of worry that we might be crossing a line with our partners and instead just relax and enjoy the sex we’re having.

There are two tricky parts to enthusiastic consent. One is that it’s not always obvious. We can’t always tell if our partners are psyched about what we’re doing together, for all kinds of reasons. Some people are just more expressive than others, for one. But also, as women, we’re often afraid to admit how much we’re into sex (there’s that slut-shaming fear again), so we act shyer about it than we actually feel. Add in the extra vulnerability that comes from being fully expressive with a partner, and you get to the first subrule of enthusiastic consent: If you can’t tell, you have to ask.

What does that mean, exactly? Well, it means that if you’re unsure whether your partner is into what you’re doing, you just check in. You ask, “Do you like that?” or, “How’s this feel, baby?” or any number of other questions that boil down to: Are you into this?

Which brings me to enthusiastic consent subrule number two: Consent is not a light switch. Contrary to what seems like popular belief, sexual consent isn’t as simple as “on” or “off.” As you know by now, there isn’t this one thing called “sex” you can consent to anyhow. “Sex” is an evolving series of actions and interactions. You have to have the enthusiastic consent of your partner for all of them. And even if you have your partner’s consent for a particular activity, you have to be prepared for it to change.

“My partner and I were having sex in the missionary position, and I asked if we could switch to spooning,” recalls Miranda, age nineteen. “He said yes, and we did. I was enjoying it quite a lot but couldn’t get a read on him, so I asked, ‘Does that feel good?’ and he said, ‘Yes, so good.’ Such simple communication, but it really goes a long way towards ensuring mutual enjoyment.”

Consent isn’t a yes/no question. It’s a state. If, instead of lovers, the two of you were synchronized swimmers, consent would be the water. It’s not enough to jump in, get wet, and climb out—if you want to swim, you have to be in the water continually. And if you want to have sex, you have to be continually in a state of enthusiastic consent with your partner. That means you have to keep paying attention to your partner’s verbal and nonverbal cues, and keep checking in if and when you can’t tell.

Speaking of verbal and nonverbal cues, they can both count toward enthusiastic consent. As a general rule, I rely more heavily on verbal cues (you’re looking for variations on the words “yes, please!” here) when I’m having sex with a new partner and trust myself more to correctly interpret nonverbal cues (like facial expressions, body language, and enthusiastic noises) when I’m with someone I’ve been intimate with for a while.

Of course, the real tricky part is this: However, well, enthusiastic you may be about practicing enthusiastic consent, your partners may not have ever heard of it or get why it’s important. That can be challenging. You may need to discuss it with them and see what they think about it. But consider this question: Why would you want to have sex with someone who’s not enthusiastic about it? Would you want to sleep with someone who doesn’t care about whether or not you’re into it?

Dive In: How do you define consent? Do you think you and your partners should just focus on stopping if someone says no, or do you think everyone should take responsibility for ensuring that their partner is actively enthusiastic about what’s happening at all times? Write about consent in your notebook for ten minutes. Write about what you believe consent should involve, but also write about your experiences with saying yes and no to sex. When were you listened to? When weren’t you?

HOT OR NOT

Telling your partner(s) what turns you on can feel terrifying if you haven’t done it much before. It can feel incredibly vulnerable: What if they laugh at me? What if they’re disgusted? What if they turn me down? Even before that, it requires you to admit aloud that you have desires—and not just generally “desire,” which can be challenging enough, depending on your background, but specific, personal, sexual desires—ones that someone else should care about. Yeesh.

And yet. Like Mick Jagger sings in the old Stones classic, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need. Or, as my mother always taught me about negotiations, “Ask. The worst they can do is say no.”

Which is all to say, you picked up this book in order to find your way to a more fulfilling, you-centered sex life. And you can’t get it if you don’t tell your partner what you want in bed. You don’t have to be bossy or insulting—offer suggestions in the spirit of collaboration, using the Nice Person Test. Don’t you want to hear about things that would make your lover happy? Well, any good partner does, too. Don’t assume that any of us feels like we know what we’re doing, especially with a new lover.

Now, it’s entirely possible that you want some things that make you nervous to talk about. Maybe you have fantasies or desires that seem taboo to you. We’re going to get more into those in chapter 8, but for now, just know that you don’t have to tell your partner everything at once. Start with stuff that seems less risky—that you like more pressure, or less, or a little over to the left? Yes, that’s the spot. And if you were to go in kind of a circle? Ahhhhhh . . .

It’s also likely that some of the time, you won’t know what you like until you try it. Then the question becomes: Are you enthusiastic about finding out if you like it? If the answer is yes, let your partner know that while you’re into trying it, you’re not sure how you’ll feel about whatever it is that you’re doing. That way, your partner will be better prepared if you do wind up having a negative response. If you’re not into even finding out if you like something, that may well be your intuition speaking. Don’t let anyone talk you into trying things in bed if even the trying doesn’t appeal.

Also, you can change your mind! Just because you ask your partner to go down on you doesn’t mean you can’t also say “stop.” Maybe you thought you’d like it but it feels too intense. Maybe it felt great but now you want to do something different. Maybe you’ve got a leg cramp. Doesn’t matter. Desires are always changeable and revocable. A good partner should understand that, but if you’re not sure yours does, you can check in with them about that at any time.

“My partner and I both deal with chronic pain, and often when we are having sex, positions need to change often,” says Jenn, age twenty-four.

At first, we were clumsy about it, and everything had to stop, and we’d reposition and have to get going again with diminished energy. When I’m the hurting party, I tend to just exclaim something ridiculous, like “ow” or “cramp!” and start laughing like crazy. We’re at a point now where “ow” is not a problem word anymore, it’s just a signal, and we laugh and keep going. What used to take what seemed like forever is now pretty seamless. The laughter helps.

There’s a flip side, too. Being comfortable with sexual communication is the only way to ensure you’ll feel comfortable setting boundaries. If you can’t talk about what you want, it makes it that much harder to talk about what you don’t want. I know that I often hesitate a little bit before I set a sexual boundary, because I hate disappointing my partners. Thing is? They’re hardly ever really disappointed, because I get sexual only with people who care whether or not I’m having a good time, and there are plenty of things we can do that make us both happy. But even if you’re disappointing your partner, isn’t that better than squelching your own desire and never trying to get it fulfilled?

Dive In: Fill out a Yes/No/Maybe list! The Yes/No/Maybe list was invented by the kinky community (more on that in chapter 8), but can be used by anyone. It’s a list of sexual activities, and your job is to mark down one of three responses to each: Yes, I love (or would love) to do that; No, I really don’t want to do that; or Maybe, I’m not sure if I want to do that (or it depends on the circumstances). Y/N/M lists are a great way to get in touch with your turn-ons and turnoffs, the better to communicate them to your partner. So fill one out—this one is good for starters: www.wyrrw.com/ynm. (Note: All Y/N/M lists are likely to include sex acts that make you think, Ew! or, Umm . . . people do that? That’s the point. Just say no to those. This isn’t a dare, or a checklist of things you ought to want to do. It’s just a way of getting to know your own desires better.)

Once you’ve done that, it’s time for another practice conversation! Using any of the role-playing methods we went over earlier in the chapter, practice telling your partner (a real one or a hypothetical one) about one thing that turns you on and one thing that turns you off. If you’re up to it, and you have a current sex partner or a friend who’s willing, have them fill out the same Y/N/M list you did, and compare and discuss your answers.

SAFE IS SEXY

We talked about managing risk some in chapter 4, but now we’re adding a new twist: another person to manage it with. Depending on your partner in play, that person can be an ally in keeping you both safe from STDs and pregnancy, or an obstacle. I encourage you to find out which one they are as soon as you can.

At risk of being redundant, I can tell you that it really does help to know what you want in terms of safer sex practices before you enter this negotiation. (For a comprehensive resource on your safer sex options, check out this Scarleteen article: www.wyrrw.com/safersex.)

Once you’ve got that down, the next step is to find out where your partner is at and what the two of you can agree on. You can do this up front, or you can do it as you go along (as your partner starts to go down on you, you could hand them a dental dam, for example).

Talking about STD status can be a little trickier. If you have an STD that your partner could catch, you have to decide if/ when, and how to disclose that to your partner. We’ll be diving into this in chapters 8 and 9, but I think the Golden Rule applies here: Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. Wouldn’t you rather know if you’re at risk of catching something from having sex with your partner? Well, unless there are extenuating circumstances (like fear your safety will be at risk if you tell), that goes both ways.

One time I had a one-night stand where I brought someone home and things quickly got heated. Just as we were about to do something that involved swapping fluids—and as I was perched on top of them—they said, “When’s the last time you were tested?” I had a pretty good idea of my status but had not ever been tested (fully because of my own fears), and my response was “I’m clean.” We then proceeded to have a lot of unprotected sex. I consider myself extremely lucky that neither of us contracted anything from that experience, and frequently tell that story when I am speaking to youth about why it is so important to have safer sexual activity conversations prior to being in the heat of the moment. {Scout, twenty-five}

Even if you have no known diseases, it’s a great idea to bring up the topic before you get naked, because you can’t assume your partner will tell you if you don’t ask. (It’s also possible your partner will lie, which is yet another reason to practice safer sex even if neither of you has any known diseases, but most people will tell you what they know if asked directly.) It’s hard to make questions about disease sexy, so it will feel more like an interruption of the mood the hotter and heavier you get. And there are some very particular questions to ask. Here’s what I use:

• Do you have any STDs? If the answer is yes, ask follow-up questions about what your partner is doing about risk reduction, but also feel free to put off getting down until you do whatever research is necessary to make you feel comfortable with the risk. Or perhaps you’ll decide you’re not comfortable with the risks, so sex is off the table with this person.

• When was the last time you were tested? Some STDs take up to six months to show up on tests and/or show symptoms. This means that even if the tests show your potential partner doesn’t have HIV, they could have been exposed to it in the six-month period before they were tested, and it wouldn’t show up on that test.

• What have been your safer sex practices in the period the test doesn’t cover? Did you use those practices sometimes, or always? And do you know the STD status of whatever partners you’ve had in that period?

You’re looking for two things when you ask these questions:

1. The actual information, which will help you decide how comfortable you are with the STD risks involved with sleeping with this particular person (remember that no partnered sex is zero risk).

2. The way they respond to the questions. Are they impatient with you, or direct and respectful? Someone who can’t handle these questions is less likely to be handling their own STD prevention, either. But someone who is open and forthcoming (and asks you, too!) is likely to be someone you can trust to tell the truth and respect your safer sex needs.

As Prerna discovered, even decent partners can find this conversation challenging, but sticking with it can yield great results.

The first time I asked my boyfriend when he had been tested last, he was like, “Uh ... never?” And I was like, “Well, you’ve had plenty of sexual partners, so you should probably do that.” He was flustered by how direct I was, and by the fact that I was bringing it up at all. The next time, as I was going to visit him, I asked him if he’d gotten himself tested, and he said, “Well, I kinda forgot about it,” and it was a really big internal struggle for me to then be like, Well, do I let that slide? But this is something that’s really important to me. He’s probably fine, but what if he’s not? I don’t know his former partners. So I stuck to my guns about that. And he did get tested.

Dive In: You guessed it: Practice having this conversation using your chosen role-playing method. Do it a few times, asking your conversation partner to give different kinds of answers each time—the kind of answers you hope to hear, the kind you fear you’ll hear, perhaps answers you’ve received before but wish you’d responded differently to. Do it until you feel comfortable saying what you need to to feel safe and in control in the situation.

DIRTY TALK

All of this talking-about-sex stuff is hard, in part because most of us have been trained not to talk about sex, and especially not to talk about it with our sexual partners, and absolutely not to talk about it with our partners while we’re actually having sex. This is profoundly damaging, yes, but also profoundly silly. Sex talk can be hot! There’s a whole industry devoted to providing people with the opportunity to get off while talking about sex, an industry that nets phone companies an estimated $500 million annually.² Sex talk is obviously appealing to a whole lot of people.

Direct talk about sex has the unearned reputation of being antisexy, but the truth is that much of the communication I’m suggesting in this chapter can be done in a way that makes you and your partner hotter for each other. And I don’t just mean talking about what turns you on, though seriously, that can be a sexy-as-hell conversation, too. Want to check if you’ve got enthusiastic consent? Try asking in a sexy voice: “Do you like it when I do that? Does that feel good? I really want to do X; do you want me to?” You get the idea—it doesn’t have to sound like you’re negotiating a contract. The important thing is to be clear and make sure you get an answer. And ask again when you’re moving on to a new sex act.

Even boundary setting doesn’t have to kill a mood. If you want your partner to stop doing a particular thing but you still want the general sexytime to continue, try suggesting a hot alternative. Instead of just saying, “Can you stop? I don’t like that,” try, “Could we do this other awesome thing now?” Use a commanding voice, or a begging voice, or whatever voice makes you feel sexy.

And if you try to say something sexy and it comes out sounding silly and you both giggle? Have fun with it. Sex can be silly, too. Enjoy the laugh, and then double down by saying something even dirtier.

The first time I hooked up with my ex, we were at a small party. We started cuddling, and then the chemistry just hit us. He was wearing a shirt that said MENOTOMY ROCKS—Menotomy is the name of a local park—so I started joking that his Menotomy was showing, which led to all sorts of geographical innuendoes. At one point, I was even making sexual references to the Boston subway lines—“getting off at Longwood,” “riding the blue line all the way to Wonderland,” etc. It was so wonderful and silly and unexpectedly hot! {Laura, twenty-five}

Dive In: Get down ’n’ dirty with your last practice conversation of the week. Make a list of the kinds of sexual conversations that make you nervous, then pick one and practice doing it sexy-style. Have fun with it. There are lots of ways to sound sexy. Try on approaches you’ve seen in movies or books; get advice from your friends if you feel comfortable. Try approaches that seem totally opposite from what you usually do. Be playful with this exercise. Don’t be afraid to laugh. But don’t be afraid to get serious, either.