Integration

Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone hurts. Some just hide it better than others.

~Will Smith

While these are our individual stories, we want to share them with you because we know they are also universal stories. Most of us struggle with various feelings of separation. For some (like the two of us) this comes from early incidents that make it clear we’re not like everyone else. For others, it may be the inability to really succeed in a job despite best efforts, or the lack of intimacy in close relationships. A few, like our friend Max, live golden childhoods, excelling at everything, only to reach a “dark night of the soul” later in life, plagued by unexplainable anxiety attacks and fear they are not living up to early promise. Again and again, we find ourselves separate from ourselves, each other, even the world at large.

And yet, even within this sense of separation, it is becoming clearer that as humanity we are facing what Joanna Macy calls “the Great Turning.” There is a heartfelt longing to find true connection, to make the shift from isolation and industrialization to a more holistic and life-sustaining society, one where instead of everyone being out for themselves, we experience the power of our interrelatedness. But in order to make such a turn, we need to understand not only where we are headed, but also where we have come from, and why.

We chose to write this book so that we could explore our fundamental disconnect, see the purpose it plays in the bigger picture of who we are as human beings, and offer both insights and solutions for transformation. We hope to be a positive voice in the crucial conversation about where humanity is heading—personally, communally and universally.

For us, Ann and Karen, there was a wonderful confluence of ideas that sparked this project, which are in themselves an example of integration. First, there is the powerful work of coaching in the world, now a well-established 25-year-old profession. In this area, Karen’s work as the co-founder of and Ann’s experience as a leader for The Coaches Training Institute (CTI) has shown us that the conversation about coaching has become much bigger than one-to-one support. People who have been exposed to the CTI model consistently report using ideas, concepts, tools and structures not only in their formal coaching relationships, but informally in their lives as well, achieving powerful, positive results. Again and again we hear, “CTI has transformed my life!” And so we knew it was time to make this information more widely available and accessible, beyond the people we encountered in coach training.

In addition, the emerging field of the neuroscience of leadership is showing more and more scientific underpinnings for human transformation, as well as direct connections to the effectiveness of coaching. Instead of saying, “you’ll just have to trust me on this,” science—and neuroscience in particular—is enabling us to make self-awareness, personal growth, and leadership development more accessible and real than was ever possible before, by building a bridge between the effective tools of coaching and the rational brain. This opens the door to personal and interpersonal integration, leading to a more solid, sustainable and heart-centered world.

The first part of this book explores our sense of separateness, of disconnection, and how it came to be. The second part provides stories and practical ideas for increasing transformative connection—what we call integration—in every area of life, including within ourselves. We base this part on aspects of what we call the Co-Active Model, the theoretical framework that guides CTI’s coach training, but you don’t need to be a coach or memorize a theory in order to engage. We’ve done our best to make each aspect of the model come to life through stories and examples that make sense no matter what your background or role: leader, parent, partner, etc.

We’ve also provided ideas that you can use in every area of life, from formal to informal, including work situations, family issues, and general personal growth. Some of these are in the moment ways of thinking or looking at things, while others offer extended exploration through step-by-step exercises. With all of them, we encourage you to try and experiment and see what works for you.

Throughout the book, we’ve added a rich layering of neuroscience background as well, with the intention that our ideas and claims are backed up by expert scientists. If you’re the sort of person who loves to dig deeper, see the end of the book for a list of references and suggested readings. If you’re not, feel free to skip those parts and focus on what you find most interesting.

Overall, there is no right way to read or use this book. Some will want to explore it cover to cover, while others will dip in and out. If you are curious about how we came to this place, you may want to read from the beginning. If you just want to know what to do about it, and/or you are excited to dive right into the Co-Active model, feel free to start later in the book and skip the earlier chapters. However you choose to explore is just fine—take what you like and leave the rest.

A brief note about what’s here and what’s not. We haven’t explored the entire Co-Active model. Instead, we looked at the elements that most provide a broader understanding of what it means to be Co-Active in the world, which are: the Four Cornerstones, the intentionally Designed Alliance and the Five Contexts. All are truly foundational and reach far beyond coaching. (We did not include our Three Principles of Co-Active coaching, because although these can also be helpful and important in day-to-day life as well, they are much more specifically coaching strategies.)

You’ll find helpful Tips and Tools at the end of Chapters 5, 6 and 7, and stories and examples spread throughout. All of these stories are true, but we’ve changed all the names (except our own) and many identifying details in order to preserve people’s anonymity.

We hope you find this book intriguing, provocative, and inspiring, and are grateful to you for being part of a very important conversation.

This book is dedicated to Dr. Daniel Siegel and Henry Kimsey-House as our honored teachers. These visionaries have inspired us and helped to lead the way towards a world of greater integration. We also dedicate it to the amazing international Co-Active community spread around the world, who have taught us so much about what it means to create a more harmonious, integrated and heart-centered world.