Love and Relationships

I Love being in Love! It’s truly one of the greatest feelings in the world. Everything feels light and good and rosy. It tingles with the sensations of newness and possibility and so much to look forward to. I remember the first time I fell in love with a guy from Manchester. I hadn’t even realized it until we took one of those rowboats out on the lake in Central Park for a laugh. A photographer was snapping photos to sell to couples and tourists, and when I looked at ours, my glowing face made it embarrassingly obvious that I was completely, head over heels, madly in love.

Everyone wants love, right? Crystals for love are by far the most popular stones out there. Whether it’s dating, finding a relationship, healing from heartbreak, or cultivating self-love, working with crystal energy can make a huge difference in your love life. I’ve been through it all many times over and I’ve had crystals with me every step of the way. To quote a colleague of mine, “I’m still a Disney girl”; I still believe in true love, love at first sight, and that love conquers all, but I’m not a hopeless romantic anymore. After all, what set me firmly on the path of becoming a healer were my own experiences of heartbreak. But the experience of coming through all that to the other side and then back to love again has made me the powerful, compassionate, wiser woman that I am now. And sharing my experience with crystals through that time and how they helped me has helped many other people in turn.

DATING

I love being in love, but I loathe dating. Ha! Dating successfully all depends on your intention, energy, and perspective. Some people date to get lucky, others are looking for “the one,” and the rest of us fall somewhere in between.

They’ve made several TV shows based on how challenging dating can be in New York City, and I’ve helped countless clients and friends cope with the pressures of dating and the impact it has on their self-esteem, their sense of personal fulfillment, and their perceived social status and success. Dating should be a fun way to get out there, meet people, and enjoy lovely dinners, but when you’re lonely, have an agenda, don’t feel good about yourself, or your biological clock’s ticking, it’s more like torture.

Corinne, a stunningly gorgeous, incredibly successful fashion magazine executive, started working with me because she was having trouble lining up a date, let alone getting a boyfriend. She wasn’t really spiritual or into crystals, but she was desperate enough to try anything because she was tired of being single and doing things on her own. We talked about how she felt when she was out on a date: She felt tense, hyperaware of how she was behaving, second-guessing how she was coming across, and fearful that her strong personality was a turnoff. She was hoping that crystals could help her appear “softer” and more “feminine” so that she would, in turn, be more attractive. The truth is that crystals could and did help her, not because they magically changed who she was, but because they helped her tap into more of her beautiful traits and qualities.

When Corinne was relaxed, she was warm, witty, self-assured, and glowed from within, so I suggested she wear chrysocolla for calm and self-assurance, rose quartz for self-love and acceptance, smoky quartz to help ground her in the present moment, and carnelian to increase her feelings of warmth and sensuality. I also suggested that she ditch the agenda for a while and make dating an opportunity for her to cultivate these parts of herself while being in the presence of someone new. It took Corinne a few dates to get used to it, but she said at some point she noticed a shift and was able to relax more into her own self and feel the crystal energy. Three months later she was dating a man who appreciated her strength, valued her opinion, and loved her sense of humor.

The beautiful thing about being human is that every one of us possesses all the qualities, traits, and emotions we can perceive in the world. We have a tendency to focus exclusively on our faults and shortcomings, but everything we might admire in someone else we too possess. So if you think that you can’t be more confident, passionate, cool, intelligent, funny, alluring, or desirable, I’m very pleased to say you’re wrong! You can work with crystals to help you tap into every quality you admire and wish for yourself, because, deep down inside, you already have it. You can wear any of the following crystals to enhance your own inner qualities, and that can make going out on a date more fun, relaxing, and promising. If you want to work on more than one quality at a time, you can mix and match—just be sure to keep to a five-stone maximum so that you don’t overwhelm your system.

CRYSTAL COMBINATIONS

AUTHENTICITY: Wear amazonite, sodalite, ruby, and rose quartz when you want to honor and allow more of your own authentic self to shine through.

CONFIDENCE: Wear citrine, sunstone, or pyrite to feel more grounded and secure.

COOL: Wear blue lace agate and chrysocolla to feel more like your confident, assured, and excellent self.

COURAGE: Wear red jasper and ruby when you want an extra dose of courage (that’s not in liquid form).

FEMININE ENERGY: Wear pink opal and chrysocolla if you want to cultivate more of your feminine qualities. Add in carnelian if you want to spice them up a bit.

FLIRTING: Wear pink aventurine, carnelian, and garnet.

FUNNY: Wear aragonite star cluster and citrine when you want to let your sense of humor shine through.

GROUNDED AND PRESENT: Wear or hold hematite, smoky quartz, or onyx when you want to get out of your own head and feel more engaged in the present moment.

INSIGHTFULNESS: Wear amethyst when you want to be more intuitive, perceptive, and acute in your observations.

MASCULINE ENERGY: Wear pyrite, fire agate, and sunstone to cultivate more of your masculine qualities.

NERVOUSNESS: Wear or hold lithium quartz to soothe your nerves and keep your heart open and available.

RELAXED STATE: Wear ocean jasper, orange calcite, and rose quartz to feel more mellow.

SEXINESS: Wear carnelian, ruby, and garnet when you want to feel more sensual and alluring.

SPIRITUALITY: Wear moonstone when you want to embody more of your divine self.

WARMTH: Wear ruby and rubellite (red tourmaline) to exude more warmth, compassion, and loving vibes.

WITTINESS: Wear blue kyanite and fluorite when you want to impress someone with your repartee.

FINDING LOVE

I’ve had my fair share of clients who have asked me why some people can find love and form relationships so easily, while others seem to struggle. I’ve noticed that those who are successful in love have all these things in common: They’re confident; they like themselves, know themselves, know what they need, and what makes them happy; they go after what they want; they’re mindful of the vibe they’re putting out there; and they believe they’re worth it. They don’t settle, and they don’t kid themselves when something isn’t working or doesn’t feel right.

These are all important things to bear in mind when you’re looking for love in your life. I’ve worked with so many men and women who want to be in a relationship—period—without considering what’s best for them. What ends up happening is that they either become serial daters who can’t seem to get to the next level (a committed relationship), or they end up in relationships with people who don’t meet their needs, make them happy, or truly love them in the way they deserve.

Paola considered herself to be the “queen of first dates.” She didn’t have a problem snaring a man’s attention or sparking his interest, but she had trouble keeping it. She was beginning to believe that she simply wasn’t the type of girl guys liked or committed to beyond that first date. She knew this was having a negative effect on her sense of self-worth, and she was hoping that crystal healing could help her feel better and eliminate the mental block she felt she was forming. I suggested that she meditate daily for 20 minutes, holding rose quartz in both hands for more self-love, and that she wear amethyst, hematite, and rhodonite daily to help shift negative patterns of thought and make her desires feel more possible.

As Paola began to feel better and more optimistic, I asked her if she’d taken time to consider what kind of relationship she wanted. We could switch up the crystals she was working with to match the energy of what she desired, increasing her chances of attracting the right guy and having the right relationship. She didn’t want to jump into anything too serious, but she did want someone she could get to know, have fun with, and spend some time with on the weekends. I suggested she wear garnet, pink aventurine, and carnelian when she was going out to meet people or on a date, for a sexy, passionate, and fun vibe. I also recommended that she meditate regularly for 5–15 minutes, holding rhodochrosite in her receptive hand and sunstone in her dominant hand to help her manage any insecurities or self-doubts that might come up along the way.

LAW OF ATTRACTION

If you’re in a great, happy place, you’re likely to attract someone who’s in a great, happy place. If you’re in an angry, negative, or sad place, you’re likely to attract someone who’s in an angry, negative, or sad place. Take a good honest look at yourself and do any healing or make any adjustments in mood or perspective to work this law best to your advantage. Hold epidote and a quartz point in your receptive hand and clear topaz and a quartz point in your dominant hand while wearing rubellite over your heart chakra. Sit comfortably in a quiet place, close your eyes, and picture what you want in your mind’s eye. Imagine it as if it’s already a reality for you and allow yourself to really feel it and enjoy it. Do this for 5–15 minutes daily (or as consistently as possible) until you have achieved your vision. The rubellite connects you to the stronger love vibration, the topaz and epidote dramatically increase your ability to manifest, and the quartz points amplify, magnify, and direct your intentions.

A few weeks later, Paola was happy to report that she had gone from being the “queen of first dates” to the “queen of hot dates,” dating not one but two guys who were taking her out regularly, treating her right, and making her feel wonderful. She told me she never goes out without her crystals and is finally enjoying dating for the first time in her life.

Once you can resolve what’s holding you back, you can get clear on who you are, your needs and expectations, and the type of relationship you want in your life. It becomes much easier for you to attract that into your experience because you’re putting that energy out there and creating a big bull’s-eye for Cupid’s arrow. It can also save you from a lot of frustrating and dissatisfying experiences along the way. Wear the following crystal combinations daily or as needed (that is, while you’re out meeting people or on a date), unless otherwise indicated.

CRYSTAL COMBINATIONS

CASUAL: Wear pink aventurine, carnelian, garnet, and citrine when you’re looking for something fun but not serious.

DIVINE LOVE: Wear pink kunzite, ajoite, snowflake obsidian, and moonstone when you’re looking for a spiritual, like-minded partner, or to attract someone in the spiritual community. You can also meditate regularly holding rubellite in your receptive hand and moonstone in your dominant hand, or sleep with this combination under your pillow.

EXCITEMENT: Wear tiger iron, ruby, and emerald when you want an active, adventurous, or athletic relationship.

GETTING CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT: Wear sodalite, rhodochrosite, and chrysoprase daily to help you get more in touch with your own inner knowing and to cultivate a greater awareness of your needs, desires, and expectations. You can also meditate while holding sodalite in your receptive hand and azurite in your dominant hand and then journaling about what comes up for you.

INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION: Wear blue sapphire, azurite, and rubellite when you want to attract a partner who is an academic, an intellectual, or a lively conversationalist.

NURTURING AND SUPPORT: Wear mangano calcite, aragonite star cluster, rose quartz, and green aventurine to attract a partner who is a nurturer and will provide you with great emotional support.

ROMANCE: Wear rubellite, rhodonite, and watermelon tourmaline to attract romance or when you’re looking for a romantic relationship but want to move slowly.

SEX AND PASSION: Wear garnet, pink aventurine, and ruby to attract someone for a sexy, passionate love affair or a partner with whom you have a great sex life. You can also place these crystals under pillows or by your bed to ignite more passion in a relationship.

TRUST AND FRIENDSHIP: Wear rose quartz, watermelon tourmaline, septarian, and yellow jasper when you want a long-term relationship that’s built on friendship, companionship, loyalty, and trust.

SOUL MATES

There’s a common misconception that your soul mate is the love of your life, someone who’s perfect for you and with whom you’ll live for the rest of your life. Actually, soul mates aren’t always romantic. They’re people who show up in your life to help you learn lessons or who touch you deeply in some way so that you heal, grow, and evolve. They’re necessary and important characters in our life stories because they are always meaningful to us (even if we despise them, which may happen!) and they typically prompt great personal change. They may be lovers, but they may also be friends, family, pets, rivals, enemies, or the bane of your existence.

Most people who say they want a soul mate want true love and/or a life partner. The key thing is to be ready for it. With the law of attraction you’ll find a partner or relationship that will be a reflection of who you are and where you are in your life at the time. This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect! It just means that you need to feel good about yourself and your life, and ready to be in a meaningful, lasting relationship.

Wear rubellite, eudialyte, ajoite, and rhodochrosite reg-ularly to help you attract true love and/or a life partner. If this powerful combination feels too overwhelming, make it into a crystal tonic instead. You can also meditate for 10–30 minutes on a daily basis, holding rose quartz in your receptive hand and eudialyte in your dominant hand, and sleep with rose quartz, rhodochrosite, and rhodonite under your pillow.

If you’re like me, you’ll probably want all or most of these things! If so, I recommend you do the Law of Attraction exercise on page 58. You may find, though, that when you’re really honest with yourself, there are a couple of qualities that matter more to you than the others. If so, you can layer your crystal work by wearing one combination daily and making a crystal tonic of the other.

BREAKUPS

What can I say about breakups that most of us don’t already know? They can be very painful or very easy, amicable even, but in my experience each one is a rite of passage. How they’re handled, what’s expressed (or not), and the willingness to accept change and move on all determine a breakup’s emotional impact on the people involved. If you’re able to learn from the experience, it can benefit you going forward into your next relationship. And if you work with crystals, they can make it a whole lot easier and help you recover more quickly.

I broke someone’s heart once. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and I knew we weren’t well suited to each other, but I also knew he was very much in love with me and so I stayed in the relationship longer than I wanted. I was afraid of hurting him and yet at the same time I really wanted out. When I finally had the courage to bring it up, he was desperate not to let go, wanting to remain friends and clinging to the hope that we had a chance to reunite in the future.

Fortunately, I had opted to wear rose quartz, mangano calcite, and chrysocolla for compassion, gentleness, and authentic expression, and hematite to help me hold my ground. I could have said some very mean things to him to try to push him away and force a clean break, but that would have wounded him and left me feeling terrible. Instead, I was able to communicate to him why it wasn’t working and why I felt it best for both of us to go our separate ways. He listened because it was coming from a place of compassion, and while I admit I caved and agreed to the occasional friendly email, he was willing to let go and move on. He was devastated, but at least the whole thing was handled with kindness and sincerity.

CRYSTAL COMBINATIONS

Wear the following crystals on a daily basis, except where otherwise indicated, until you feel they are no longer required.

ACCEPTANCE: Wear mangano calcite, honey calcite, tiger eye, rose quartz, and chrysoprase daily if you’re having trouble accepting that a relationship is over and letting go. As an alternative, you can make a crystal tonic of this combination for a more gradual process, or you can meditate, holding mangano calcite in your receptive hand and honey calcite in your dominant hand for 20–30 minutes daily or as needed.

COMPASSION: If you’re worried about hurting someone’s feelings or saying something you might regret, wear chrysocolla, rose quartz, and mangano calcite. Add optical calcite to the mix for empathy.

COURAGE: Wear aquamarine, amazonite, rhodochrosite, and ruby when you need to summon the courage to instigate or face a breakup.

EXORCISING GHOSTS FROM THE PAST: You’ve let go, healed, and moved on, but psychically you can feel that your ex hasn’t and is still sending vibes your way. Wear black tourmaline, tourmaline quartz, fluorite, labradorite, and rainbow obsidian daily to block this energy intrusion and keep you free from your ex’s negative energy.

LETTING GO: They say we all have “the one that got away.” Still hanging on to that memory, though, can block you from experiencing new love. Wear or sleep with healer’s gold, lepidolite, aquamarine, and hematite regularly until you feel free from the longing.

RECOVERY: If you’ve been through a rough breakup, wear rhodochrosite, rose quartz, rhodonite, and healer’s gold daily. You can also sleep with this combination at night or make a crystal tonic from it.

RELEASING ANGER: If you’re still angry with someone who’s hurt you, you won’t be able to let go, heal, and move forward. No matter how much you say you’re over it, if thoughts and memories still upset you, you’re not over it. Tony had dated a guy for six months who was domineering, disparaging, prone to angry outbursts, and very negative. When Tony’s friends and family started calling his attention to the fact that his boyfriend was mentally and emotionally abusive, Tony thankfully saw the light and ended the relationship.

However, in his mind, Tony still heard the critical and demeaning voice of his ex and would experience a lot of anger and upset when memories flashed through his mind. Anger impedes the healing process: Trapped anger festers inside and becomes bitter over time, binding you to past painful events and never allowing you to truly be free. I suggested that Tony wear amazonite, sunstone, blue kyanite, and sodalite daily to help him get in touch with his anger and to support him in releasing it fully.

After punching many pillows and writing numerous angry letters in all sorts of colorful language (that he subsequently tore up and burned), Tony felt that he had faced his anger sufficiently and was ready to move on. He still wore his crystals, though, because his anger kept resurfacing. He finally realized that he needed to actually send a letter to his ex so that he could speak up for himself and achieve closure. He shared with me later that he felt the crystals had helped keep him honest with himself, and that he was able to express himself in a way that felt eloquent and just when sending his letter. Whether his ex read it or replied didn’t matter; what mattered was that Tony was at peace and could truly move on.

SADNESS, LOSS, AND GRIEF: Wear or sleep with ruby in fuschite, mangano calcite, and apache tear to support you in healing as well as allowing you to honor your timing and process.

SHOCK: Trish was in absolute shock to come home one day and find that her girlfriend of ten years had packed up and left her for another woman. She was still shaking and in complete disbelief when she arrived at our session. I immediately gave her ruby in fuschite to hold in her receptive hand for its restorative effect and angelite in her dominant hand for soothing. After about 15 minutes, the shock began to fade and her emotions started to surface. Tears, denial, anger, and despair all followed, but at least she was able to function again, express her feelings, and face her situation.

SILVER LININGS: No matter how badly a relationship went or how much someone hurt you, you can always find some blessing or something you can learn from the experience. It can be hard to seek within for the reason why it happened or what the silver lining might be (especially if the wound is still fresh), but this is what most of us need to do to truly heal, let go, and move forward. When you feel ready to look for the silver lining, meditate on it while holding ajoite in your receptive hand, elestial quartz in your dominant hand, and wearing rhodochrosite, rose quartz, and rhodonite. You may find it helpful afterwards to journal about what came up for you.

HEALING HEARTBREAK

Whether you’ve lost someone or she broke your heart, the thing that heals us most is time. I’ve found that working with crystals can help to ease or accelerate this process as well as help you to cope with over-whelming feelings.

Belinda’s husband passed away abruptly one night. Even though he was thought to be in prime health—he jogged daily, was a vegetarian, and lived an active lifestyle—he had a massive heart attack while climbing up the stairs to bed and died almost instantly. Belinda was devastated and couldn’t understand how it happened or why God had decided to take the man she loved so suddenly. She was still trying to wrap her mind around the fact that she would no longer see him walk into the room, smile, or hold her at night while they slept. She was heartbroken. She went through a period of deep grief and mourning, spending days in bed crying while family and friends would clean the house, walk the dogs, try to get her to eat. Eventually, she roused herself because she knew she had to go on and that her husband would want her to move forward and heal. She asked me which crystals could help her through this time and I recommended mangano calcite for gentle healing and acceptance, amethyst for anxiety and doubt, smoky quartz for grounding and stress relief, and ruby for emotional strength and support.

I do believe that we can fully recover and heal from loss, grief, and heartbreak, but we are forever changed by the experience. In my own times of heartbreak and grief, crystals have been a tremendous source of comfort, support, and healing energy to help me get through my day and honor my process. It’s not something you can just snap out of, or repress and move on from, because the feelings and wounds will always be there, and the more they linger, the more they can fester into illness and imbalance. While I say that crystals accelerate the healing process, it’s important to understand that I mean they do so by supporting us in allowing us to release our feelings, and by supplying us with the added energy we need to heal. Be gentle with yourself, work with your crystals, and take the time you need.

HEART-HEALING TRINITY

I first read about this crystal combination in Judy Hall’s book The Crystal Bible. And I have recommended it countless times throughout my career for its epic healing energy. Wear rhodochrosite for healing emotional wounds and resolving old baggage; rose quartz for self-love, nurturing, and support; and rhodonite for the strength, courage, and willingness to open your heart to loving again.

When you’re ready to find the blessing in a given situation, wear sodalite, rose quartz, mangano calcite, and aragonite star cluster to help you look within, be honest with yourself, approach things from a loving perspective, accept what happened, and fully embody what you learn so that it can be of benefit to you.

MOVING ON

Sometimes love has gone very wrong for us in the past—we’ve been in abusive relationships, or we’ve been betrayed, lied to, robbed, used, or hurt very deeply. Maybe you were in a relationship with an addict or a narcissist, someone who neglected you or even enabled you. Maybe you’re recovering from codependency. Maybe you were the abuser. Your first priority is your own healing process, but there will come a point when you’ll need to get involved with someone again in order to fully heal and be able to experience a healthier relationship.

I call this next type of relationship a “healing relationship” because it’s an opportunity to move forward, to embody what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown, and to experience being with someone from a more whole, healthy place. I’ve supported so many people through this process, and, more than anything, I’ve observed that it takes a loving commitment to yourself and your process, faith, and sometimes a lot of courage. The feeling of moving forward, of seeing how you’ve changed and being able to enjoy the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted, makes it worth it.

Trini was married for ten years to a sex addict. She and her husband first experienced trouble on their honeymoon when he couldn’t be aroused without watching porn, and things got worse from there. She eventually gave up trying to make love because he either couldn’t become aroused (and would blame her for it), or when he did, she knew he wasn’t really present with her. For several long painful years, she blamed herself for her perceived inadequacy while begging him to seek counseling. It all but destroyed her sense of self-worth as a woman.

Finally divorced, she was angry, recovering, and couldn’t conceive of being with anyone again. After months of crystal healing, she felt ready to date again, but was understandably timid. How could she trust a man again? Would she really be able to feel sexy and desirable in her own body when being intimate? First, we worked on clarifying Trini’s needs—what she was looking for in a man as well as in a relationship. Then as she began to date, we put rose quartz, blue kyanite, hematite, and amethyst in a pouch for her to hold in times when she felt that her trust issues were being triggered or she was afraid or in doubt. This would help her feel calm, acknowledge her feelings, and then make a loving and empowered choice in response.

She started dating a wonderful man who was willing to be patient and supportive as Trini felt her way back into the world of relationships with men. There were bumps in the road to intimacy for Trini, but she was effusive in her praise and gratitude for the crystals that brought her so much comfort and support through that process.

CRYSTAL COMBINATIONS

DESERVING: Feeling you deserve more goes hand in hand with self-worth when your self-worth allows you to receive. Wear green aventurine and rose quartz daily, or meditate holding green aventurine in your receptive hand and rose quartz in your dominant hand regularly for 20–30 minutes.

ENJOYMENT: Allowing yourself to enjoy the process of dating or being in a relationship again makes the whole thing much easier and more fun! Wear pink kunzite, citrine, pink aventurine, and garnet to feel greater pleasure, happiness, and ease.

RESISTANCE: If you feel you’re stuck in limbo between having healed from a past relationship but being afraid to be out there in the dating scene again, wear or sleep with watermelon tourmaline, rhodonite, and onyx for the courage, willingness, and loving commitment to get back out there and meet someone.

SELF-ACCEPTANCE: Wear mangano calcite daily or sleep with it at night to accept yourself fully and love yourself more unconditionally.

SELF-LOVE: Wear rose quartz daily or sleep with it at night to cultivate a greater sense of self-love, and a willingness to nurture yourself, honor your needs, and feel better about yourself overall. You can also meditate daily holding rose quartz in both hands for 10–30 minutes.

SELF-WORTH: Wear chrysoprase, honey calcite, and rhodonite on a daily basis when you need to believe more in your own worth and when you want to have greater appreciation and respect for your own value.

TRIGGERS: Place ruby in fuschite, lithium quartz, amethyst, hematite, and ruby in a pouch and either wear the pouch or keep it nearby to hold when you feel that old reactionary choices or habits might be triggered by someone or some circumstance.