For a practical and a philosophical approach to life that has been around for millennia, mindfulness seems to have become quite a fad in recent years. Time magazine emblazoned its front cover with ‘The Mindful Revolution’ along with a major feature article on mindfulness in early 2014.1,2 Perhaps if we can get a clearer idea of what mindfulness is we can also see how it might be useful in the home and how a home can help foster mindfulness for those who live in it.
There are many things in this modern, hyperkinetic, fast-paced world that make being mindful more challenging. Home and work environments are conditioning us into what has been called ‘attention deficit trait’ which, according to an article in the Harvard Business Review, is a kind of distractedness associated with black-and-white thinking, difficulty staying organized, setting priorities and managing time, and a constant low level of panic and guilt.3 Of course, the panic and guilt aren’t always at such a low level.
WHAT IS MINDFULNESS?
Mindfulness can be described both as a form of meditation and a way of living. A simple way of defining mindfulness is as ‘a mental discipline aimed at training attention’. There are other implied aspects of it; for example, mindfulness-based practices:
utilize the senses in order to engage the attention with the present moment
foster self-control through non-attachment to transitory experiences like thoughts, feelings and sensations
encourage an attitude of openness, curiosity, acceptance and being non-judgmental
cultivate equanimity and stillness by being unmoved by, or less reactive to, moment-to-moment experiences.
One of the ways we try to compensate for living in such a world is to ‘complex multitask’ (trying to do multiple complex things at the same time) which, rather than helping, simply compounds the problem. It actually reduces focus and enjoyment, impairs performance, memory, learning and efficiency, and increases errors and stress.4,5,6 It’s a lose-lose situation despite the fact that most people assume it is the only way to work these days. The opposite of multitasking is ‘uni-tasking’ where we give our full attention to whatever is the main priority at that moment. On a practical level this means when answering your emails, just answer your emails. When reading a book, just read the book. When talking with your spouse or children, give them your full attention. Being mindful in such a way is sometimes called the ‘informal’ practice of mindfulness whereas mindfulness meditation is called the ‘formal’ practice of mindfulness. The two — formal and informal practice — go hand in hand.
Like any skill, if we don’t practise engaging attention then we will get worse at it. Training one’s attention in a mindful way can be done: firstly, through the formal practice of mindfulness meditation and, secondly, through the informal practice of being mindful which is being present, attentive, open and accepting as we go about our day-to-day life. The cognitive aspects of mindfulness, such as acceptance, non-attachment and being present, also underpin new and effective approaches to psychotherapy in treating depression and a range of other health problems.
Why be mindful?
Do you ever eat your food without tasting it? Do you forget such things as where you put the car keys or, even worse, the car? Do you ever drive from point A to point B without remembering much of the journey in between or even recalling seeing whether the lights were green or red? Do you lie awake worrying at night? Do you miss hearing what people are saying to you at home or work? Well, welcome to the human race! You know what it means to be unmindful.
Being unmindful, particularly when we don’t even know we are unmindful, comes at a cost. Among other things, it costs us enjoyment because, for example, we don’t fully taste our food, or don’t take in the movie we are seeing. It wastes time, for example by having to re-read things because we didn’t take them in the first time. It is unsafe because we are more likely to have accidents. It is frustrating and leaves us vulnerable to anxiety and depression because in a distracted state of mind we are much more likely to get caught in the ‘default’ thinking of rumination or worry. It also interferes with communication, empathy and connection with those around us. In short, unmindfulness is not a good investment of our time and energy.
Being aware is a little like switching on the lights and seeing what is happening, whereas when awareness is not illuminating life it’s rather like living in the dark. When were living on automatic pilot it’s also rather robotic in that we are likely to think and act in habitual ways whether or not they are useful. When we’re not in touch with reality it’s like living in a dream world that will never give substantial or lasting happiness and that keeps slipping away.
Mindfulness, on the other hand, leads to the opposite of what is described above. Think of the times when you have been most fully present — perhaps taking in a sunset, working with greatest efficiency, savouring a moment of intimacy, tasting an exquisite wine or playing with your pet. Life feels much richer, memories are more vivid, we enjoy the moment more, we communicate more perceptively, we function far better, our sense of time seems to expand and our appreciation of beauty is much fuller.
How to be mindful
What we practise we will become good at, for better or for worse. It’s as simple as that. It therefore makes sense to practise being mindful rather than being distracted. Practising mindfulness can be separated into the formal practice (meditation) and the informal practice (being mindful in daily life). Although they are referred to as two different things they are really entirely complementary. The formal and informal practice go together — there is not much point in being mindful for 20 or 30 minutes when we practise mindfulness meditation then being unmindful for the other 23-plus hours in the day. Some background and instruction for practising mindfulness meditation is given at the back of this book (see page 227). If we want to be more mindful in our daily life then we would do well to practise mindfulness meditation.
The mindful and the philosophical attitude includes things like wonder, curiosity, openness and acceptance. Curiosity in the sense of being interested in the world, ourselves and the relationship between the two. We can’t learn or understand something better if we are not curious. Curiosity is natural for children but we tend to dull this down as we age and as adults we are the poorer for it. Parents often report feeling frustrated when they want to get somewhere and their child is wanting to stop and look at things all the time. The parents mind is pointing to the future and the childs is in the present. The parent experiences impatience and the child experiences wonder.
Openness is important because what is happening is happening so we might as well be open and responsive to life as it flows. Resisting the reality of the present moment only causes frustration and is an exercise in futility. Take all the times when, outside of your control, you have had your plans for the day changed for some reason. How does it feel when you are open to the change and how does it feel when you are not?
Acceptance is closely akin to openness and is important because we regularly become aware of things we find uncomfortable such as anxiety, worry or some event we wish wasnt happening.
ATTENTION REGULATION
Being mindful involves both attention and attitude. Using attention in a mindful way is called attention regulation and involves three main aspects:
knowing where our attention is
prioritizing where our attention needs to be
our attention going there and coming back if it wanders off-task.
If we are reactive and judgmental in response then we actually increase its intrusiveness, fixate our attention on it all the more and may impair our ability to respond in a measured way. Its not helpful. One participant remarked on this at a course on mindfulness for people with anxiety. She came to notice that the anxiety came in whether she wanted it to or not, but the less she fought it the less it escalated and the less controlled she felt by the anxiety. If we were curious then we would have learnt such lessons long ago. Paradoxically, being accepting, even of that which we find uncomfortable, reduces its intrusiveness and makes it easier for the attention not to be dominated by it. It also makes for a more considered response if it is needed, or allows us to authentically be more at peace with a situation if there is nothing that can or needs to be done about it.
Many people assume that we can easily blank out our mind or get rid of unpleasant thoughts, feelings and sensations but this is not so. When we become reactive to a thought or feeling we dislike, we actually increase its intrusiveness. Even when the mind is still active, we can learn to be impartially aware of thoughts, feelings and sensations without being involved in them, even the ones we don’t like having. It is like developing a more accepting attitude to them which, paradoxically, helps us to unhook from our attachment to them. This doesnt mean ignoring all thoughts but rather cultivating an ability to assess their merits more impartially and objectively, and choosing whether or not to engage with them. In this way unhelpful and distracting states of mind dominate our attention less, leaving us able to engage more fully with work, study or leisure time. The ability to do this means that resilience, which is natural to us, is not undermined by the preoccupation with such mental and emotional states. The principle is simple but it is not easy. It takes time to develop this ability especially in the presence of the stronger sensations, thoughts and emotions which can arise.
The informal practice of mindfulness
Being mindful in daily life is about being present and connected to the senses as we go about our lives, whether at work or at home. Any of our senses can be used for mindfulness — touch, taste, hearing, sight or smell. The art lover naturally engages the sense of sight. The masseur engages the sense of touch. A person who is vision impaired will have very finely tuned senses, particularly of hearing and touch. The wine enthusiast may not have thought of themselves as a practitioner of mindfulness, but the focus and attention they use in looking at, smelling and tasting a good bottle of wine is like a meditation in itself. That smell of coffee which the coffee enthusiast treasures is a moment of mindfulness.
Of course, if we cling to or get preoccupied with the things we find pleasant, that can lead to distraction; it may become habitual and even addictive and as such is not so mindful. To be able to enjoy something when it is there, without becoming attached to it, is a big part of living mindfully.
There may be a particular sense we are drawn to, but mindfulness in daily life can be directed to any single activity through the relevant senses no matter how mundane: from showering, washing the dishes, vacuuming or cleaning your teeth.
Mindfulness has a lot of implications for other things like safety, learning and efficiency. If while driving you are looking at what is happening on the road rather than thinking about what you are going to do when you get to your destination then you are driving mindfully. If you are a student listening to the teacher, rather than the din of your own thinking, then you are much more likely to remember what is said and be able to learn. If you are focused on your work rather than worrying about the deadline, you are more likely to work efficiently, use time effectively, work with less stress and feel less tired at the end of the day. Mindfulness is the very stuff of life.
AN EXPERIMENT IN MINDFULNESS
To put what we have been writing about into practice, take the next mundane activity you need to do after you put down this book and do it with full attention. Whichever senses are involved with the activity, really connect, so much so that you unhook your attention from any internal mental dialogue about the activity. You don’t need to look for anything in particular, but just notice what takes place.
The mindful home
It’s rather simple really. Any of the senses can help the mind to come into the present moment or, as the saying goes, ‘come to our senses’. Unfortunately, much of the time when at home we are still mentally at work. Equally, at work we may still be preoccupied by things that have happened at home. A good rule is to mentally be at work when we work, and be home when we are home. Another good rule is to go through our day step by step, job by job, and moment by moment. This is living in real time rather than living in retrospect.
In time, the practice of mindfulness can put us in touch with the core of our being, which is generally covered with distraction and worry. But this core, even if we have forgotten that it is there, is content, at peace and at ease within itself. This is like feeling at home within ourselves and with our surroundings. This state of inner poise is when we are happiest — not necessarily happy in a way that is boisterous, restless or craving stimulation, but in a way that is conscious, creative and quiet. Such a state is a rare commodity in modern life and one that many have almost forgotten exists. Many of the things we are exposed to in daily life, including most advertising and news, disconnect us from this quiet but expansive inner core. Finding this space within ourselves can be helped or hindered by the home environment we create for ourselves.
The home can be a help or a hindrance in our pursuit of mindfulness and inner calm and contentment. If it is to help foster mindfulness then, firstly, it should be conducive to the mind finding rest in the present moment. Secondly, the senses should be nurtured but not overwhelmed. Thirdly, there should be a quiet place conducive to practising meditation. Finally, we need to consciously manage the inputs we subject ourselves to rather than just be pushed around by them.
There are many other ways that a home can foster mindfulness according to the way it is designed, arranged or decorated. Does it engage attention, for example? As curiosity is a natural part of being mindful, and a mindful mind is interested and engaged, so a mindful home is one that makes it easy, and even compels the mind, to be interested and engaged. Items of interest such as books on interesting topics, artworks of meaning or demonstrating considerable skill, or architecture that draws you in and unfolds a story as you move through a home, are all examples of ways in which the home can foster presence and engagement of the mind. It nurtures and invites questions and exploration.
More on this later, but for now, sit back and have a few mindful moments, a few pauses — or what we like to call a ‘comma’ or a ‘full-stop’ to punctuate your day with a little space — and digest what has just been written before moving onto the next chapter.
