In common usage we think of the word meditation meaning things like contemplation, thought or reflection. But one of the more interesting etymologies, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is that meditation is actually derived from a word meaning ‘measure’ and is related to mete’, as in ‘to mete out’ or to measure out something. The correlation isn’t obvious, so what might this mean? Here is one possibility. Perhaps meditation, when it relates to drawing attention within, takes us to that immeasurable, unlimited and indefinable aspect of our being or consciousness. When it relates to focusing the attention outwardly, it helps us to live and work with attention and precision, that is, in a measured and effective way. It is hard to say, but living our daily life healthily, happily and effectively most definitely requires attention and a measured approach.
Measuring the day, the life
What does it mean to have ‘a measured life’ or to measure the day’? In keeping with the theme of this book it means to pay attention, and through attention to do anything no more and no less than time, place and situation require.
There are various options we can follow in terms of living our life. We can, for example, be formulaic in the sense of having a recipe or plan. So we could follow lifestyle advice telling us how much exercise to do, what to eat and when, how much to sleep, how much to meditate, how often to work and so on. This is useful especially if it is based on some reasonable evidence. Such a plan, schedule or set of disciplines can be a great remedy for a life that is way out of balance or undisciplined to the point where we are suffering significant problems as a result. Like having someone navigate for us, we don’t have to think too much about it, just follow the instructions. Unreflectively following a healthy formula is a lot better than unreflectively following a whole bunch of unhealthy habits.
If we follow a measured and prescribed plan for life we may start to notice some benefits over time. What we might also notice is that we become far more aware of, or in touch with, ourselves. This leads us to option two. It is best, from a mindfulness perspective, to pay attention to our own minds and bodies, to the environment and to the day, and then to respond to what the present moment calls for. This is harder and it requires awareness and discernment, but ultimately it is the best. What we will probably find is that the best way to proceed is to use option one as a starting point and then transition to option two over time, as awareness and discernment grow.
A first principle is that virtually anything can be healthy or unhealthy depending on whether it is over- or underdone. As the ancient Greeks said, ‘Nothing too much’, otherwise translated as, ’Moderation in all things’. A second principle is that it is a lot easier if a family or household is on the same page in relation to measure. The best intentions are unlikely to last long if one family member is trying to lead a healthy and balanced life with the others doing the opposite. If you create a healthy atmosphere, make it a game, be creative and set challenges, it can be a family project that all can engage with.
What are some of the core elements we need to measure out in a healthy day and a healthy life? Here are a few key things.
EXERCISE
As a general guide, it’s ideal to get around 20 to 30 minutes of vigorous exercise, such as jogging or tennis, on a daily basis, though on some days you’ll do more and some days less. It is also good to vary the type of exercise you do. You might want to do more if training for something like a half-marathon or even a marathon, but this is a measure that is not optimal for sustainable health. You should also allow time for strength and flexibility training, as these aspects are equally important for our health.
Be aware of your body when you are exercising, because it will tell you everything you need to know. Exercise to a level where the body feels it is pushing itself, but not so much that it feels overstretched or traumatized. You want to finish with a sense of being healthily tired, not exhausted, unless of course you are young and training for some high-level performance. Of course there will be days you will slightly overdo it and days when you rest, especially if the body needs it. This will help you to find the right level for you and also to avoid injury. In terms of health and wellbeing, if you had to choose between exercising and having a few extra pounds, or not exercising and being a healthy weight, you would choose the exercise.
Find a time in the day that suits you best. If you are short on quality time with your children then exercise in such a way that it becomes time spent with your family — take a ball or frisbee to the park, go for a bike ride together or go for a walk to explore your neighbourhood.
Being mindful with food has many benefits. Pay attention to the food choices you make when you are actually making them and then to your body when you are eating. Tasting the food as we eat it, and being present to the experience of eating, will not only help us to better enjoy the food but it will also help us to make more conscious food choices, and to pick up those messages the body gives when it has had enough; if we eat quickly and without attention, we miss that message and then it is too late. This can lead to consuming too many empty (non-nutritious) calories which, over time, can lead to the development of chronic illnesses.
There is room for occasional indulgences, but if we are interested in reversing a chronic illness that is well underway then there is far less latitude for eating fatty and unnaturally sweet, empty calories devoid of fibre. In this situation we would need to stick to a healthy diet very closely. The Ornish program has been rigorously tested and found to be associated with reversal of heart disease and early cancer, and the reversal of the ageing process.1,2,3 More than a diet, it is a whole lifestyle program, including meditation and group support.
WORK
As with everything else, too much or too little work is associated with poorer health. Of course, if you love your work you will tolerate working longer hours than someone who dislikes their work. However, even this can have its problems, especially if long work hours eat into time that should be spent with family, engaging in exercise or other interests. Time dedicated to work at the expense of a balanced life will start to negatively impact on the work itself, no matter how much we enjoy it. Taking time on a daily basis for self-care is an investment essential for working at a high level on a sustainable basis.
It is a wonderful thing to know when to stop working, not just at our place of work but at home as well. Pay attention, prioritize the jobs that really need doing, do them when it is time for them to be done and then stop when enough is enough. If we know when to stop then there will be enough time for other important parts of our day like self-care, sleep, meditation or leisure time. If we don’t know when to stop and pay attention to these other important aspects of our lives, one day we will wind up talking to the boss or doctor about how to manage stress and burnout.
The other side of the coin is knowing when to start working. You will no doubt have had the experience of having enough time to get something done but instead deciding to put it off, to avoid it, procrastinate or find something else to do. Next thing you know the time has passed and the task hasnt been done. Then we suffer the effects of our procrastination — a letter from the taxation office because we didnt complete our tax forms on time; or water streaming down the internal walls of the house during a deluge because we didnt clear out the gutters when we should have. Take it as a general rule that there is always enough time for the things that really need to be done, but there is never enough time if we waste it or cant prioritize well.
Learn also to mindfully recognize the difference between not doing something or taking a break due to avoidance and procrastination, versus not doing it or having a break because that is what the moment requires. In the first instance we inwardly know we are not engaging with something that needs our attention, no matter how much our mind tries to justify otherwise. We will not feel at peace and the mind will keep returning to the task. In the second instance we will feel at peace, and the mind will be clear and can rest and rejuvenate We will be able to engage with what needs our attention at that time, whether it’s a cup of tea or a different, more pressing job.
Another principle of mindful work is to use no more energy or force to do a task than is necessary. Measure out your use of energy with attention. For example, if we are not paying attention we often hold a pen with a vice-like grip, walk carrying tension that has no reason to be there or rush when we don’t need to. Don’t waste energy in this way, otherwise it won’t be there when you really need it. Just like driving a car, drive it economically. When closing a cupboard or drawer, do it gently and with awareness. When stirring the tea or coffee use no more energy than is needed to do it. When hurrying and feeling pressured because the mind is getting ahead of itself, come back to the present moment and just take one step, or do one job, at a time.
LEISURE
We have discussed leisure already, but making sure we work it into our daily schedule will ensure that we take time for it. The thing is, if we fill up our day with work and allow no time for rest or creativity, then soon our work becomes unproductive and takes longer to get done. So learn to make time for leisure but, as with work, learn also when it is time to stop. If we are aware we will notice the quiet inward cue — Time to put that down now’ — and will get back to what needs our attention. Help your children form good habits early in their lives: let them know when to turn off the computer, phone, tablet or other device.
SLEEP AND REST
For the majority of people 6 to 9 hours of nightly sleep is associated with optimal health, with those who meditate regularly generally needing less sleep than those who don’t. Keep your bedtime and waking times regular, with occasional variation depending on the situation.
It is very helpful to have times of rest that are not about sleep. Punctuate the day with a minute here and there of mindfulness (commas) or take 10 minutes at the end of a working day to sit, relax and listen to a soothing piece of music; or, if you drink wine, take time to really taste and savour the wine. Such pauses can be a great time to refresh and enliven ourselves, and will help us to conserve energy and to use it more wisely.
MEDITATION
It helps so much if we can carve out some time each day to meditate, to punctuate our day with ‘full-stops’. We might practise for 5 minutes a day, but it’s better if we can manage 10, 20, 40 or even 60 minutes a day. The more we put in the more we will benefit, but much more than 60 minutes a day and we had better consider joining a monastery. As with all things, know when enough is enough.
You might want to practise your meditation in one sitting or two. Twice a day is good because it bookends the main part of our day. It helps us to set ourselves up for the day ahead, and reenergize at the end of the working or school day.
Learning how to meditate is actually quite simple, but the main challenge is finding the time to do it. Actually, finding the time is not that hard — it’s prioritizing the time for meditation that is the real challenge. Everything else gets in the way. The two main problems here are laziness and agitation: laziness in the form of apathy and inertia, where we don’t have the energy or motivation to take the time to meditate; and agitation in the form of being unable to stop running with our addiction or compulsion to activity. However, if you really take the time to consider the cost of being unmindful this should help provide motivation. If you mentally factor in the time to meditate it will be there; if you leave it as an afterthought then it won’t be. It’s unlikely we will inscribe our tombstone with, I just wish I had another day at the office’ but we might write, ‘I wish I had taken more time to know myself.’
There will be ways in which we measure out our day and our life that are particular to ourselves, our own needs and our own particular situation. It is important to also remember that it is far more helpful if there is a measure and flow to the life within the home shared by all those who live within it. For example, making the effort to cook together, share the family meal, exercise and meditate together, and do something creative together will help everyone to not only participate in healthy pursuits but will also help the family or housemates to connect. We dont just want a flow and rhythm to our own day, but also a flow and rhythm to the home itself.
Freedom versus measure
A fair question to ask is whether all this talk about measuring the day and the life smacks of regimentation? What about spontaneity? What about freedom?
The answer brings us back to mindfulness. Regimented or formulaic measures can be useful. They help a doctor treat a patient, and can help us to get a life back in order when things have become chaotic. Such measures help parents to assist children in adopting helpful habits; they help sporting teams to work as a unit and an army to work as a cohesive whole. They have their place and, if reasonable, can be mindful, useful and healthy.
Then there is unmindful regimentation that may not be reasonable and can be oppressive — doing something in a particular way or at a particular time when there is no rhyme nor reason to do so. Such an approach has the potential to be restrictive and create stress without any benefit. Mind you, sometimes there are useful habits that seem pointless and oppressive simply because we havent yet recognized their reason or benefit. As stated in the movie The Karate Kid, ‘Wax on, wax off’.
The mindful way to effectively measure is known in the moment. Ask yourself: what is needed in this moment? It could be that we really do need a rest day from our exercise schedule or that we need to stay up a bit later to complete an important job. It might be that we leave mowing the lawn today in order to go to the movies with our children. Or perhaps we forego watching the football on television one afternoon because the tax just has to be done. Spontaneity is the very essence of mindfulness, as is the mindful application of discipline, because it is all about the needs of the present moment. This leads to freedom and is the very expression of it.
Measuring the budget
One very important part of life that needs to be measured carefully is the household budget. With care and attention limited finances can go a long way. Without care and attention we can squander a lot of money in a short time.
First, it is mindful to be able to distinguish between needs and wants. Wants often masquerade as needs and can lead us to spend much more than would be prudent. Too many wants too much of the time soon turns to greed and dissatisfaction, which is the Achilles heel that unscrupulous financial advisors look for and manipulate. The thing that leads us to pursue our wants far in excess of our needs is attachment. Letting go or not being so attached to possessions and desires helps free us from such a potential bind.
Second, it is helpful to live well within our means if at all possible. If we needlessly stretch our resources to the limit then we will leave very little latitude to cope with unexpected events. As a result our financial position will be fragile and constantly on the edge of a potential crisis. This also includes borrowing comfortably within our limits while assuming that the financial environment might change. If it changes for the better then well and good, but if it changes for the worse we should still be able to adapt.
Taking a mindful approach to finances can help us recognize when to pull out of a situation like a poor investment. Mindfulness has been shown to help protect people from what is known as the sunk-cost bias: the tendency to continue an endeavour once an investment in money, effort or time has been made’.4
Lastly, buy the best quality you can afford. The cheapest option is often far more expensive in terms of money, time and inconvenience in the long run.
On a practical level, it is very helpful to practise some mindfulness when confronted by a significant financial or purchasing decision. See what presents and see if you can discern what is motivating you to move in one direction or another. Make the choice wisely — mindfully.
Connection
We have spent our time discussing ways to foster mindfulness within our home; now it is time to broaden our view and look at what it means to be mindfully connected, not just within the home but beyond the boundaries of our own front door.
When the word connected is used these days it is generally associated with technology such as the internet, Skype, social media and the like. If used well, these can be excellent methods of staying in touch with others and accessing the information, goods and services we need to live. Some people feel they cant live without these modes of electronic connection and are perhaps too dependent on them. Paradoxically, this can lead to a form of isolation and a loss of social skills. Others are not so dependent and are masters, rather than slaves, of the technology. It is possible to be mindful and electronically connected at the same time.
Perhaps more direct and mindful is the connectedness that comes with a sense of community, through knowing the people in your street, shopping at your local shops, being involved in community projects and activities, being socially aware and engaging in social issues.
Interacting directly, face to face, with family and friends and our wider community is a basic human need. The internet can facilitate this but it cant replace it.
Connection is good for health
Our social, mental and physical health are intimately related. If one is good then the others are more likely to be good. Of all the things that predict the wellbeing of adolescents, connectedness at home and school comes out on top.5 Good social and emotional health, among other things, is associated with less heart disease, better immunity, a healthier brain and less anxiety and depression. One study exploring the relationship between connectedness and happiness concluded: Peoples happiness depends on the happiness of others with whom they are connected. This provides further justification for seeing happiness, like health, as a collective phenomenon.6
Social isolation, on the other hand, is associated with higher death rates and lower life expectancy independent of other lifestyle factors.7 Social factors associated with better health and lower death rates include marriage (unless very unhappily married) and stable long-term cohabiting relationships, contact with family and friends, religious or spiritual affiliation, and being affiliated with community groups.
SOCIAL INTERACTION AND SOLITUDE
Whether we want more or less interaction with others is an individual measure. Someone who is more extroverted will want and need more time for social interaction than someone who is more introverted, who will prefer more time for solitude and introspection. Each have their strengths and weaknesses. An extrovert can crave interaction and the validation of others to the point that they become alienated from themselves and cannot comfortably sit in stillness and solitude, even for a short time. In this case being with yourself feels like a kind of death. It’s very revealing. An introvert, on the other hand, can easily become isolated and withdrawn if they are not careful, to the point that social interaction is uncomfortable and even threatening.
If we are around people all the time and are not taking time to sit and just be, then make time. If we are withdrawing and avoiding interaction then make the effort to get out and interact. When either pattern gets entrenched it gets more and more difficult to snap out of. Ideally we want to be able to move comfortably into social situations and then feel equally comfortable with a period of solitude.
Solitude and isolation, however, are two different things. Solitude is a basic human need; isolation is not. In solitude we feel at one, and connected although we are physically alone. In isolation we feel cut off and disconnected, even if we are in a room with a hundred people. Both are the result of an internal state of mind, not the outward circumstances.
HOW TO INCREASE CONNECTION
Knowing your neighbours is a good place to start. Chat over the fence, offer to feed their pets or water their gardens when they are away, catch up for drinks from time to time, and send some fruit their way when your fruit trees are cropping. You don’t need to manufacture situations; just be ready to respond to the situations that naturally arise.
There are other simple ways of increasing the connectedness between home, our community and the world outside the home. We can go for a walk or run in the neighbourhood on a regular basis. Mind you, when walking you are much more likely to stop and chat than if you are jogging. Walking the dog makes chatting to neighbours almost unavoidable.
Shopping locally is also good. Your local store might not offer the best prices, but that’s not the point. You will not only be spending time in your own neighbourhood but also financially supporting local people and businesses. Local sporting clubs provide a great way for adults to meet peers of a similar age when their children are playing in the same sporting teams. And community projects, such as caring for the local parks and environment, joining a community garden, working for community infrastructure projects and raising funds for community charities all increase the social capital.
Spending time with friends and family is possibly the most important form of connection. We thrive on the warmth and goodwill of their company. We don’t need to live in each other’s pockets nor do we need masses of friends to be connected. The depth of the relationships is more important than the volume of them — think quality over quantity. Being present and engaged — remaining mindful — when spending time with those closest to us will ensure that quality.
Participating in hobbies, sports and classes are a few of the many ways we can connect with people with whom we are likely to have something in common. This makes meeting others much easier and helps to oil the wheels of social interactions.
Connection doesn’t stop with our local community but expands as far as we care to take it. We might be involved, or want to be involved, with causes on a state, national or international scale. You may be donating to non-government aid organizations, sponsoring a child in a developing country, choosing to only eat foods farmed in environmentally sensitive ways or lending your voice to public debate. Travel also opens our eyes and connects us to our world on a much larger scale. We will each do it in our own way. If children are brought up to connect in such ways then they will be well prepared for a happier and more useful life.
To be mindful means to be aware, to engage and to respond. To be mindful is to be at one with ourselves and to be at one with, and to connect to, the world around us. Then we can be at home wherever we are.
Final thought
As John Donne wrote, ‘No man is an island.’ Obviously no woman or child is either — and nor is the home an island. No matter what we think, we do not live in isolation. None of us is totally self-sufficient. There is interdependence between people living in neighbourhoods, communities, towns, cities, states and nations. Connection is the very lifeblood of humanity and the home.
Like a book, a day that’s not punctuated makes no sense. The formal practice of mindfulness is meditation. If the meditation lasts for a few minutes or more then it can be likened to a ‘full-stop’ in the day. Supplementing these ‘full-stops’, regular, short mindful pauses during the day — of anywhere from a few seconds to a couple of minutes — might be compared to ‘commas’.
A good ‘starting dose’ for those who are new to mindfulness is to practise meditation for 5 minutes twice daily. Before breakfast and dinner are good times, as after food is a low point for the metabolism and sleep can occur more easily then (which might be a good power nap but its not mindfulness meditation). The duration of practice can be built up to 10, then 15, 20 and even up to 30 minutes or longer if required, depending on your time availability, motivation, needs and commitment.
If you forget to meditate at the optimal time then practise when you remember and have the opportunity. Meditation reminder apps, for both phones and computers, are available if you wish to use them. If your day is full of unavoidable emergencies, then simply practise when you have finished dealing with them.
‘Commas’ during the day can help to reinforce our ability to be mindful for the whole of our day, including when we’re not meditating. Even pausing only for long enough to take a couple of deep breaths can help us break our mindless build-up of tension and mental activity. A good time to practise ‘commas’ is when we’re between activities. For example, you might have just finished work and are in the car, ready to drive home — just take a few moments to be mindful. Or perhaps you’ve just arrived home and you might take a few moments in the car before going into the house. Or you might have just completed one job and are about to pick up another; just take a few moments to put some space between jobs. If you are just about to go into an interview, take a few moments to be present before walking into the room. Or perhaps you could take a few moments before eating your lunch, to prepare the mind to taste the food and not just bolt it down without enjoying it or even being aware of what you’re eating.
For our longer practices of mindfulness meditation — our ‘full-stops’ — it can be helpful, wherever possible, to have a quiet place to practise without interruption. However, this doesn’t mean that mindfulness can’t be practised anywhere, any time — indeed, its important for the practice to be as portable as possible. When practising for longer periods, interruptions will inevitably occur. If this happens, it helps to not be concerned but rather just deal with the interruption mindfully and then, if possible, go back to the practice. When sitting down to practise it helps to have a clock within easy view to help reduce anxiety about time. Just open your eyes when you think the meditation time might be up, and if the time’s not up yet simply move back into the practice. An alarm can be useful but make sure it’s one that won’t jolt you out of meditation.
Now we can move on to the formal practice of mindfulness by using the sense of touch, focused on the body and/or breath. We can also use another sense, such as hearing, or a combination of senses. The important thing about the body and the senses is that they are always operating in the present moment, so they help to bring our mind into the present moment if we pay attention to them — this is what ‘coming to our senses’ means. Contact with any of the senses will automatically unhook the attention from the mental distractions which otherwise hijack our attention.
Position
A seated position is generally preferred as you are less likely to go to sleep if upright, and we’re somewhat constrained in what we can achieve when we’re not conscious! In sitting for meditation its best if your back and neck are straight and balanced, which requires a minimum of effort or tension to maintain the position. A meditation stool is a small stool without a back rest, which helps the spine find its natural position. Lying down can also be useful, particularly if deep physical relaxation is the main aim of the practice or if the body is extremely tired, in pain or ill. However, the ease of going to sleep while lying down might not always be desirable, unless its late at night or you need a power nap.
Having settled into your preferred meditating position, it’s usual to let the eyes gently close. You can practise with eyes open, as the Dalai Lama does, but closing our eyes can help bring the other senses, which we tend to underutilize, into play. Now you are ready to meditate.
The body scan
The body scan is the most widely used and generally the best mindfulness practice to begin with. Begin by being conscious of your whole body and letting it settle. Now, progressively become aware of each individual part of the body, starting with the feet. Let the attention rest there a while, feeling whatever there is to be felt. Then let the attention move to the legs, stomach, back, hands, arms, shoulders, neck and face, pausing for a while at each point. Take your time with each body part — how much time you intend to dedicate to the total practice will determine how long you spend with each individual part.
The object of this practice is to let the attention rest with each body part, simply noticing what’s happening there, what sensations are taking place, moment by moment. Even if there’s a relative lack of sensation in one or other part of the body we simply notice that lack of sensation. In the process we naturally practise cultivating an attitude of impartial awareness — that is, not having to judge experiences as good or bad, right or wrong. Nor do we need to cling to the aspects of meditation we like or that are pleasant and push away those aspects we don’t like or that are uncomfortable. Learning to cultivate equanimity and the ability to be at peace with the present moment is a core aspect of mindfulness practice.
It’s helpful to practise being at ease with our moment-by-moment experience just as it is, even if its uncomfortable. As mentioned, it’s simple but not necessarily easy. We may soon discover that it’s our reactivity to emotional and physical discomfort which amplifies both our experience of it and the suffering it produces. Theres no need to change your experience from one state to another or to ‘make something happen’. Our state will change from moment to moment without us having to do anything — we just flow with it.
Judgment, criticism, worry and distraction, for example, are simply mental experiences, like physical sensations, to observe non-judgmentally as they come and go. As often as the attention wanders from awareness of the body, simply notice where it has gone and gently bring it back to an awareness of the part of the body you are up to. It’S not a problem that thoughts come in or that the mind gets distracted; it only becomes a problem if we make it a problem.
A sense of clarity or insight often arises during meditation, which might lead to a temptation to race off and start planning things or sorting out problems. As tempting as this might be, defer such activities until after the practice is over and then use the mindful state for useful work. Let the transition from formal mindfulness meditation in stillness to mindful activity be seamless.
Although it might not be obvious to us throughout formal mindfulness practice, we are not only practising attention. We are also practising qualities such as an attitude of acceptance, a spirit of inquiry, equanimity, patience and even courage. When we practise these qualities in the chair we soon start to find that we take a bit of them with us when we get out of the chair.
mindfulness
meditation
Breathing
Meditation focusing on the breath tends to be the next form of mindfulness meditation to be learnt and practised. Just as the attention can be rested on the sense of touch through the body, the attention can be rested with the breath as it passes in and out of the body. The point of focus could be right where the air enters and leaves through the nose, or it could be where the stomach rises and falls with the breath.
Just as in the body scan, no force is required to be mindfully aware of the breath, and in mindfulness mediation there’s no need to try to regulate the breathing; let the body do that for you. It’s pretty good at it if we don’t keep interfering with it. Just think about how many times you’ve forgotten to breathe after going to sleep and still woken up alive and well the next morning! Again, if distracting thoughts and feelings come into awareness (carrying the attention away with them like a pirate with our real treasure) just be aware of them but let them come and go by themselves. There’s no need to ‘battle’ with these thoughts or to ‘get rid’ of them. There’s no need even to try to stop these thoughts coming into the mind, or to try to force them out. Trying to force thoughts and feelings out of our minds just feeds them with what they thrive on — attention — which makes them stronger and increases their impact. We’re simply practising being less preoccupied with them or reactive to them. They will settle by themselves and all the more quickly if we learn not to get involved in them. Like trains of thought we don’t have to fight with the trains, nor do we need to get on them.
Listening
We can also use listening to mindfully meditate — the practice of restful attentiveness is similar to the body scan and breathing. Here we’re simply practising being conscious of the sounds in our environment, whether they are close or far away. As we listen, let the sounds come and go and in the process also let any thoughts about the sounds (or about anything else for that matter) come and go. Keep gently bringing the attention back to the present when it wanders.
Sooner or later it tends to dawn on us that most of the time we are listening to mental chatter, so the value of listening mindfully is that the attention is not being used to feed the usual mental commentary. It is this commentary that is so full of habitual and unconscious rumination, worries and negative self-talk.
