3
 Will We Ever Get Along?—The Ex-Wife-in-Law

Self-pity is a slimy, bottomless pit. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound.

—Sarah Young

Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.

—The apostle James, half-brother to Jesus Christ

Mom says I shouldn’t love you as much as I love her,” the stepdaughter whispered to her stepmom.

“You are the luckiest girl in the whole world,” the stepmom responded. “You have a mom who loves you so much and would do anything for you. And you have me, who loves you to the moon and back again and the stars and back again. The best part about that is, you can love your mom with all your heart, and I will love you for the rest of your life.”

“I love you to the moon and stars and back too,” the child replied.1

Now that’s one smart stepmom! She did what was best for the child rather than react out of frustration and annoyance toward the biological mom—not an easy task. Hands down, the most common frustration for most stepmoms is when, where, and how to work alongside the former spouse, a.k.a. ex-wife-in-law. Numerous factors come into play when making decisions regarding this relationship.

For the sake of the children, some moms are willing to work together in harmony with a stepmom. Other moms are too angry, selfish, hurt, or unstable to take the steps necessary to walk toward peace.

The Smart Stepmom explores the various types of biological moms. As you might imagine, it covers a lot of territory and can provide a more in-depth understanding of each mother.

Tip #28 Reverse the Roles

Ask your husband how he feels when his kids are introduced to the biological mom’s new boyfriend. Look deep into his eyes as he describes the raw pain of watching another man play a father role in his kids’ lives. Observe your husband as he reveals his fears regarding this man and whether he will be good to his kids or harm them. Watch his fury when another man gets to take his son to football or drive his daughter to the prom. And recognize the rage when his son or daughter calls this new man Daddy.

How does that feel? Most stepmoms experience tremendous sorrow as they watch their sweet spouse struggle, grieve, and weep over the loss of control and the new unwanted parental influence that divorce and remarriage naturally bring.

In order to be a smart stepmom, it helps to remember that everything I just described about your husband’s experience is exactly how his ex-wife feels when she thinks of you. Nelson Mandela offers excellent advice that applies to communicating with the former spouse: “If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.”

Even if she is an unstable mother or the one who chose to end the former marriage, it hurts or causes fear when she thinks of another woman stepping into the lives of her children.

Tip #29 Repeat After Me: “You Can’t Control Her”

“I have two young stepsons,” Lucinda shared. “When they arrive at our home, it’s obvious they haven’t had a bath in days. Their clothes and hair are filthy and their nails haven’t been cleaned or clipped. They tell us that they eat fast food all the time and rarely have a home-cooked meal. I can’t stand what a horrible mother she is to them.”

It’s hard on a stepmom when she feels the kids are not receiving the parental care they deserve. It usually leads to thinking they would be better off in her home, and that might be true. But it’s not reality. And it merely leads to frustration and anger toward the mom over issues that likely aren’t going to change.

Accepting that you cannot control what goes on in the other home is a crucial part of obtaining stepfamily peace. Obviously, abuse or severe neglect must be addressed immediately. But the normal stuff that the mom either neglects to do or does differently than the dad or stepmom would do must be released. Now would be a good time for a reminder of the serenity prayer.

The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.2

Tip #30 Acknowledge That She Is the Mom

Because being a stepmom often includes all the duties of a biological mom, such as dishes, laundry, homework assistance, cooking, hugs, tears, and Band-Aids to wounded knees, it’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming you have all the parental rights over the child.

“My ex-husband’s new wife shows up at every school function and parent teacher conference,” a mom proclaimed. “She even asked the teacher to add her name as one of the parental helpers in my daughter’s classroom. I understand she is married to my ex-husband, and she plays a significant role in the life of my children. What I don’t understand is why she feels this gives her permission to step in and parent my child.”

This is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, a stepmom has all the tasks of being a mom, but in reality she doesn’t have the rights of being a mom. Do you doubt me? Ask yourself this question: “If my husband died, do I have any visitation or legal rights to his children?” Unless you are a full-time stepmom who has legally adopted his children, the answer is no.

I think stepmoms could benefit from asking themselves, “Who is this child’s mother?” I totally understand how difficult it is when you give your heart, soul, and time to a child who isn’t your own. But often it’s necessary for a stepmom to take a step back and reflect, “Even though I have grown to love this child, he or she isn’t my child but my husband and his former wife’s child. This child already has a mother. And it is not me!”

Tip #31 Clarify Your Intentions

“I was sensing that my husband’s ex-wife was worried that I was trying to push her away as the mother,” stepmom Samantha shared. “So I decided to speak with her. She reluctantly joined me for coffee. I explained that in no way was I trying to replace her. I shared that I respect her role as the mother, I am their dad’s wife, and my goal is to help the children adjust to stepfamily life as much as possible.

“I explained that she has great kids that any mom would be very proud to have, and if there is anything I can do to help them I’m willing to try,” she continued. “She seemed genuinely surprised and taken aback. I think she thought I was going to cause a fight and stir up trouble. But I have no desire to get into drama if it can be avoided.”

This stepmom gets it. She noticed that the mom was uncomfortable with her role in the lives of her kids, and she took action to diffuse the bomb before it exploded. She revealed good intentions and explained that she isn’t a threat. This stepmom has no desire to usurp the mother’s role, or be a mommy to kids who already have one. In addition, she praised the mom for having good children and offered to help.

Obviously, if the mother is unwilling to communicate with the stepmom, a face-to-face meeting isn’t possible. In that case, it’s best to put those things in a short, simple note. But remember, anything in an email, text, or written format can be used in a court of law. So patiently review what you write. In addition, your husband should be fully aware of the communication, and it’s a good idea to have a friend, fellow stepmom, or divorce recovery leader take a peek at the note before you send it.

Tip #32 Communicate Clearly With Your Husband

“It feels like my husband’s ex-wife runs our home,” stepmom Holly lamented. “She dictates so much of our schedule, and my husband doesn’t want to rock the boat so he goes along with her. My opinion is ignored and I get so frustrated.”

One of the difficult issues of being a stepmom is learning how to recognize and accept what is normal stepfamily stuff that can’t be changed and when to put your foot down. There is no easy cookie-cutter answer or formula for this complexity. Each situation is unique. The problem comes when a stepmom refuses to accept that there are going to be some situations she (and her husband) cannot control.

What she can control is the communication with her sweet hubby. Telling him that she needs to be heard and exactly how he can show that he’s listening to her is key.

A man can’t read a woman’s mind. Most husbands tell me they would prefer that their wives clearly spell out what they are thinking rather than drop hints. Discussing solutions together helps the stepmom know that her husband cares. In Holly’s situation, it would be beneficial for her to explain to her husband the need for him to communicate with her before he agrees to let his former spouse change the schedule. It will go a long way in their marriage if he calls, saying, “Hi, Sweetheart. Susan’s boss has asked her to work late, and I know we normally wouldn’t get the kids tonight, and it changes our plans, but I’d really like to do that. I promise just the two of us will do something after they leave. Would that be okay with you?”

This will open the door of conversation. Often the stepmom will need to say yes and change her plans to accommodate his kids. This is part of stepfamily living, especially if the kids are young. But sometimes a dad will need to tell his ex-wife no. This is where things get tense and even ugly. Each circumstance should be evaluated and discussed so that neither spouse feels that they are the only one making a compromise.

Tip #33 Prepare for Difficult Situations or Lies

“My mom said if my dad would pay his child support instead of taking care of you and your kids we could go on a vacation,” ten-year-old Kourtney stated to her stepmom.

“Grrrrr,” the stepmom roared.

After a remarriage it is important to learn how to respond when the kids believe or hear something that isn’t true. That issue typically surrounds money and/or child support.

First, I need to stress that the steps to resolution should be taken by the dad, not the stepmom. If the stepmom is present during the discussion, she should let her husband do all the talking. The child needs to know this information is coming from the biological parent—the one they are bonded to and trust—not from the stepparent. The child often views the stepmom as the reason why the money isn’t coming in and believes that she is preventing their father from paying.

Hear this clearly: If the stepmom does the talking, it will solidify the child’s and former spouse’s conviction that the dad is a puppet on a string dancing to whatever tune his wife desires. It paints the stepmom as the villain.

If the child asks the stepmom questions directly, the response should be something such as “Kourtney, I’m sorry your parents’ divorce has caused you to think about adult issues, because kids should be kids. When your father comes home we can all talk about it together. You must be hungry after a long day at school. Would you like a snack?” This reveals that you have addressed the issue, but that the conversation is over until Dad comes home.

When attempting to replace a lie with the truth, there are a few guidelines. In an age-appropriate manner, with compassion and patience, and without anger, your husband should:

This should help the child relax and know the documents are available if she wants to see them. Some children will want the proof; others will not. Your husband’s offer may be enough to quell the turmoil.

If a father refuses to have a talk like this with his child, that doesn’t mean the stepmom should step into his role. This is between parent and child. And he must suffer the long-term consequences if he is unwilling to face this issue.

Tip #34 Pay What Was Promised

Here is a part many stepmoms don’t want to hear, but if sanity, integrity, and virtue are to be found it’s necessary. When your husband decided to get remarried, that didn’t eliminate his responsibility to provide emotionally, financially, physically, and spiritually for the children from his first family. The alimony and child support from his divorce agreement are still due, whether you agree with it or not.

That doesn’t mean he is supposed to be a bank and give in to his child’s every manipulative whim. It doesn’t mean he should jump every time his ex-wife wants something. Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. He needs to be committed and pay what he is legally required to contribute. If his job has changed and the income is less, that is a different story. Legal counsel will be necessary to change the divorce agreement.

Numerous stepmoms believe that when a dad gets remarried and takes on a second family, his first set of children should have compassion and understanding about the financial strain of two homes. This is incorrect. He brought those children into the world, and he is still fully responsible to provide for them. In addition, he signed a legal divorce agreement making a vow that he would deliver. It is his duty and obligation. He gave his word.

My husband is an extremely honest and truthful man. He always paid his child support and all the doctor, dentist, etc., bills early. (He was a banker for twenty-five years, which should explain why.) And we still had financial battles with his former spouse. It’s just one of the unfortunate consequences of divorce.

Tip #35 Don’t Throw Gasoline on the Fire

One woman shared, “I am engaged to a man who is not yet divorced. He is constantly going to court over legal issues. I want to be supportive, and he wants me by his side so that his ex-wife will know he has moved on.”

Unless the goal is to antagonize an already volatile situation, I would highly recommend that a fiancée or a stepmom avoid the courtroom, as her presence will only make the situation worse. Lara R. Badain, Esq., explains it this way:

If you want to save yourself unnecessary legal headaches, excessive attorney fees and a long drawn-out process, don’t rub your ex-wife’s nose in your new relationship. The litigation process is stressful enough. Why make it more so? While this may seem obvious, you’d be surprised at how many fathers show up to court appearances with their new girlfriends in tow.3

A stepmom needs to avoid things that exacerbate the problem. Sometimes we want our presence known, or there is a desire for the former spouse to see us with “our man.” But that usually backfires. The less we intentionally aggravate the mother of his children the better it will be for everyone.

Tip #36 Overcome Evil With Good

Have you ever considered doing something nice for your stepchild’s mother? My mom always says, “You draw more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.” The Bible says it this way: “Don’t pay back evil with evil. Don’t pay back unkind words with unkind words. Instead, pay them back with kind words. That’s what you have been chosen to do. You can receive a blessing by doing it” (1 Peter 3:9). Did you notice the end result of choosing not to insult another person? God says when we refrain from inflicting an insult we reap a blessing upon ourselves. Maybe you’ve never thought about that before.

What if a stepmom took the first step to do something on Mother’s Day or the biological mom’s birthday that communicates “Let’s work on this together”? It takes a mature person to take the first step toward mending a fractured communication. I’m not implying that you become trusted friends or go to the spa together. But what if the stepmom was the first one to lay down her sword? Perhaps a note stating:

Dear ______ ,

I know in the past we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but I desire to work together to make things easier for the children. (Note to stepmom: Do not use the phrase “our children,” as this is often inflammatory.) Couldn’t we start over? I am willing to do my part to ease the tension between us. Life is too short to spend it fighting all the time.

Please accept this small gift as my way of saying I’m sorry for the times I didn’t take the time to look at the situation from your point of view. I know you love your kids and that you are a good mom. Can’t we come to a compromise for their sake?

Sincerely,

She may refuse. She may laugh in your face. She may make fun of you on Facebook. But guess what? You will be the one who can lay her head on the pillow at night and know you did your part to attempt peace with the mother of your stepkids. And your husband will see the emotional risk you took for his kids. She may reject your offer, but I assure you it will speak volumes of love to your husband and his children.

Tip #37 You Can’t Fix Crazy

“I feel so sorry for my stepkids,” stepmom Julie shared. “Their mom is really irrational and peculiar. They never know what is coming next. One minute she is supermom, baking cupcakes and helping with homework; the next she is screaming and throwing a tantrum because they left a dirty dish in the living room.

“She is the same way with my husband,” she continued. “He calls one day and she is thrilled to let him take the kids an extra day, and goes on and on about what a great dad he is. A week later she won’t let him see them at all and tells the kids, and anyone else who will listen, that he is a deadbeat dad. We never know what to expect.”

It’s possible this ex-wife has a mental issue or at the very least an erratic emotional state. Unless your husband feels his children are in physical or emotional danger, there isn’t much you can do to fix the situation. Creating stability in your home reveals to the stepchildren that it is possible to have a home free of chaos and eccentric behavior. Respond to their comments with compassion: “Joshua, I’m sorry your mom’s mood swings hurt and confuse you. I don’t think she means to make it difficult for you. Always know your dad and I want you to be safe and secure, and we are here for you. If you are scared or sad you can always call us.” If the child is old enough, and they know that the mom takes medication, it might be wise to add, “It’s possible your mom forgot to take her medicine and that’s why she is acting that way.” This will help to explain that it’s not the child’s fault.

Tip #38 Learn That Hurt People, Hurt People

I was once an extremely wounded woman. I didn’t even realize how those injuries to my soul affected my relationships. On the outside everything looked fine. I appeared confident, happy, and productive. But on the inside I was filled with self-loathing, fear, and shame. And that cycle of destruction took its toll. It led me to drink heavily in an effort to numb the pain, and it produced hurtful words and actions toward others in an attempt to protect my maimed heart from further attacks.

There is nothing quite as dangerous as a wounded animal. And if cornered—look out!!

If you are dealing with an ex-spouse who is extremely troublesome, chances are she, like me, has wounds that haven’t been healed. A stepmom can’t heal, fix, or rescue her from those issues. It helps to know that when a wounded person doesn’t take the necessary steps to heal, they inflict their pain on those who come in contact with them. This includes children.

Often it is not intentional, it’s just that hurt people, hurt people. And they haven’t discovered where freedom can be found. My journey took me to the feet of Christ, where he revealed how to lay down the pain, sorrow, grief, and disgrace. He forgave me of my own sins and taught me how to forgive those who had sinned against me. When emotional liberation finally came, it was as if a huge rock had been lifted off my life. For the first time, I was free. I could breathe.

Occasionally I slip into old destructive patterns. However, the seasons are short-lived. Once God has freed you from the captivity that fear and shame bring, you run to him and fight off the chains of slavery when they attempt to capture and destroy you again.

Tip #39 Provide Stability in the Home

I believe one of the greatest gifts I have given my stepfamily is a glimpse of unity, peace, and stability. After twenty-eight years of being married to their dad, my stepsons and their families have watched how we resolve conflict, weather the storms of life, and grow older together. They have observed how we unite and support each other when life throws us a curve such as illness, death in the family, financial challenges, or job loss. They know we take our vows seriously, and even when we have a fight, they see us return to love.

Gayla Grace, founder of Step Parenting with Grace, says it this way:

The biggest challenges my husband and I have faced while forming a stepfamily are the favoritism battles between the two sets of children. Although it’s natural to have a bias toward your own biological children, we had to repeatedly remind each other that we are all on the same team. This helped us to avoid becoming disconnected over “yours and mine.”

Our goal is a legacy of stability founded on faith in Christ. Steve and I provided a home that aimed for harmony and provided tools for effective conflict resolution. This taught my stepsons how to be good husbands and fathers in their own families, and it created an environment filled with laughter instead of chaos and uncertainty.

We weren’t perfect, but compassion and commitment were our goals.

Do your stepkids feel safe and loved when they visit? Is your home filled with calm and clear boundaries or tension, confusion, and fighting? Do they hear you or your husband say negative things about their mom that cause knots in their stomachs?

You can only control your part. Therefore, pray for ways to make your home a haven of stability, security, and tranquility where conflict resolution is done with respect.

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Lord, I confess that there are days when I border on hating my husband’s former spouse. It’s embarrassing to admit—but it’s true. Honestly, sometimes I truly have no desire to be kind to her. But I also don’t want to live my life in bitterness, resentment, and continuous anger.

Jesus, you know what it feels like to be hated, treated like trash, and rejected. And yet you never retaliated. I want to live like that. Teach me how to forgive so that I may be set free. When his ex-wife does something to hurt me, my husband, my children, or my stepchildren, I need your divine wisdom on how to respond.

You are my strength. Help me to see my husband’s ex-wife through your compassionate eyes instead of my own resentful perspective. Show me how to promote peace between our homes rather than antagonize. Help me to accept that I cannot control the actions of another individual. I must learn to remain a lady and respond with tact and grace rather than stooping to the level of childish, immature retaliation. I need to remember that my actions are speaking volumes to my children and my stepchildren about how to react when they encounter a person who is determined to hurt them. Let my life be an example of how to cope with difficult people so they leave this house equipped to face conflict.

On my own I do not have the desire, strength, or knowledge on how to live above the circumstances and to cope with a former spouse who desires to hurt me. But you do, Lord. And you will teach me if I sincerely ask.

Suggested Bible verses:
Proverbs 16:32; Isaiah 26:3; Ecclesiastes 7:9; Romans 8:32