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The Full-Time Stepmom—When Mom Is Missing
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child.
—Negro spiritual
I will not leave you as orphans.
—Jesus Christ
For a variety of reasons the number of full-time stepmoms has significantly increased over the years. The most common are that the biological mom is:
- Coping with a mental illness and unable to care for a child
- Battling an addiction, perhaps moving in and out of rehabilitation
- Chasing her dreams and trying to “find herself”
- Choosing life with someone she perceives as a soul mate instead of her children
- Living with a physical illness that prevents her from parenting
- Deceased
Life as a full-time stepmom can seem like a maze of benefits and vulnerabilities.
A stepchild, especially if young, may quickly embrace a stepmom. However, that doesn’t mean the child isn’t still longing and hoping for Mom to return. Parents and children share a unique, unexplainable bond. Keeping this attachment in mind will help when or if the child appears standoffish, depressed, or miserable. As a full-time stepmom, if you brought children into the marriage and they have visitation with their biological dad, it’s very possible that you will spend more time with your stepchildren than your own.
Full-time stepmom Heather Hetchler, explains,
One of the most difficult realities for me when I became a full-time stepmom was that I no longer had time alone with my own children. It was a loss that I had to grieve. I recognized that I must carve out time for my children, even if that means taking a walk together or running errands without the rest of the family. They need one-on-one time with me, and I no longer feel guilty about it.
Tip #40 There Will Be Grief
“I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I have a hard time enjoying myself with my stepkids when my own children are visiting their father. I feel guilty if we go to fun places without them, and I fear that the stepkids will taunt and tease my kids when they return back to our house,” stepmom Tiffany admits.
“There is a great deal of sibling rivalry between the two sets of children,” she continued. “My stepkids have a deep wound because they have been abandoned by their own mother. Therefore, they like to brag about what we did together while my kids are away. At one point my youngest stepdaughter said to my child, ‘Your mom is my mom now and not yours. She has my last name and not your last name so that proves it.’ I wanted to choke her.”
When a child loses a mother, especially due to desertion, the effects are long-term and devastating. I highly recommend receiving professional help from a therapist who understands. For the full-time stepmom it will take a great deal of hard work to balance the compassion and patience necessary as this child heals, while at the same time protecting her own children from being bullied or mistreated. Tiffany’s stepdaughter is obviously attempting to soothe her own abandonment issues by inflicting pain and vengeance on the child who does have a loving mother. This is normal, but should not be ignored.
Reading books and attending workshops regarding children and loss can provide a stepmom with great information about how children cope when a parent is gone. Even if only half the content pertains to her situation, she will obtain insight and skills on how to help the child. Often, these resources offer practical steps to take while helping the child grieve. They also provide suggestions on what to look for in a professional counselor should one be needed.
One of my favorite resources is an older book by Dr. Archibald Hart, Helping Children Survive Divorce. He provides excellent insights such as, “Common as divorce is in our society now, few children are really prepared for it when it happens. They expect it to happen to their friends, not to them. About 80 percent of children receive no warning that a divorce is about to take place.”1 Dr. Hart also provides information on subjects such as gender differences, age variation, avoiding common mistakes, how to detect anxiety and depression, and ways to improve the child’s self-esteem.
“I was completely devastated when my teen stepdaughter, whom I raised since she was four years old, chose to leave our home and move in with her unstable mother. I walked around the house sobbing for weeks afterward,” stepmom Kerry explained.
It’s important for a stepmom to prepare for potential pain. If the mother is still alive, it is possible that she may choose to reenter the child’s life at some point. This is much more common than most full-time stepmoms realize. And they are ambushed by the sense of loss and betrayal that can accompany her. This mom might stay away for a few years and then reappear, desiring to reestablish a relationship with her child. Begin now to think through how you will handle the anger, frustration, and fear that will automatically arise should this situation occur. Be aware that after the mother appears, the child may reject a stepmom. A child who fears that a good relationship with a stepparent will displease or anger her mom may drop you in order to gain her approval.
Tip #42 Don’t Guard Your Heart
This may seem like a contradiction, but hang with me. If you’re not careful, preparing for loss can easily turn into a hardened heart. As you consider the potential rejection from your stepchild in favor of the mother, it’s important not to erect a thick wall around your heart. In other words, refrain from emotional withdrawal from the child. You should understand the mom’s motives and prepare for the problems her return may produce without living in fear or detachment.
This is an extremely sensitive and fragile place for a stepmom to reside emotionally. It will require comfort from your husband and a few terrific girlfriends. For the full-time stepmom, a strong, encouraging stepmom support group is crucial. They become a lifeline.
Tip #43 The Kids Want Dad
“My husband and I took his daughter to the park. Even though I’m the one who is with her all day, she kept looking to make sure her daddy was watching. I felt hurt. Why didn’t she look to me for recognition too?” stepmom Maria sobbed.
As the stepmom, you may be the one staying up all night when your stepchild is sick, holding a little head as they puke. And when that same child is thirty and helping a sick child of their own, they may appreciate you for it. But right now all they really want to know is, “Where’s Dad?” This stems from the need for reassurance that the remaining parent is present.
This is reality: When Dad praises an A on the report card, attends the dance recital, or watches them on the swing, that’s when the child of divorce receives assurance and comfort. Dr. Hart provides insight: “An absent parent creates an exaggerated need for that parent, and the anxiety increases when this need is not met.”2
But don’t lose heart, they do monitor and take note of a stepmom’s acts of kindness too. I’m amazed at the little things I did for my stepsons that they remember now as adults. This reveals that children see the efforts a stepmom makes, whether or not we think they do.
Tip #44 It’s Not YOU!
Even after months, maybe years, of full-time helping with homework, wiping snotty noses, and attending soccer games, recognize that your stepchild may still have wounds over the loss of Mom. Remember, hurt people hurt people. For a season the stepmom may be an easy target for the arrows of the child’s pain. Understand that the Mother Teresa of stepmoms might be rejected by her stepchildren.
This is where recognizing that some hurts, rejections, and betrayals go so deep that only God can heal them. The good news is—you aren’t God. The burden of healing everyone isn’t your job. That should prompt a sigh of relief.
Tip #45 Comfort the Broken Heart
A painful task for full-time stepmoms is being the one who helps the child grieve. “Why doesn’t my mother love me? Why doesn’t she want to see me?” are common cries from these hurting, abandoned children. Knowing what to say and how to comfort them can seem daunting if not impossible. One stepmom agonized, “I was crying as hard as my stepdaughter. I could barely talk.” Don’t feel bad about weeping with your stepchild. It shows you care.
Even if a stepmom isn’t fully bonded with her stepchild yet, whispering reassuring words such as “I’m right here and I will not leave” or “I’m always here for you” are ways a stepmom can comfort the heartbroken child.
After twenty-eight years as a stepmom, I now have grandchildren through my stepsons. Whenever the opportunity arises, I like to whisper in their ears, “Nana loves you.” I want them to know that they cannot lose—or out-sin—my love. I might be frustrated, hurt, angry, or disappointed with them, but that will not change my love. Communicating unconditional love is one of the ways a full-time stepmom can help her stepchild to become secure in knowing and believing “I am loved, and I am not alone.”
“As a full-time stepmom I still get a little jealous when other stepmoms say, ‘We have all the kids on the same schedule. That way my husband and I have a weekend for just the two of us,’” stepmom Hannah described. “Sometimes I want my husband all to myself. Because my stepchildren are with us 24/7, we had to get creative and ask extended family, friends, or other stepfamily couples to watch my husband’s kids occasionally.”
When a stepmom never receives a break from her stepkids, it can lead to marital problems. Therefore, it’s crucial to set up date nights and special times to reconnect as husband and wife.
Tip #47 Pray
This tip might sound so mundane that you skip it. Please don’t.
Sometimes we need a reminder that our humble prayers can change lives. I love this quote by Samuel Chadwick: “The one concern of the devil is to keep Christians from praying. He fears nothing from prayerless studies, prayerless work, and prayerless religion. He laughs at our toil, mocks at our wisdom, but trembles when we pray.”3
A praying stepmom is a powerful force. Avoid letting resentment, aggravation, dread, or a lack of change cause you to refrain from lifting your cries to heaven. The Holy Father can be trusted with stepfamily complexities and sorrow.
God promises to see, hear, and answer. It’s all in his ways and his timing.
Heavenly Father, calm my anxious heart. I have no idea how to fill the void that this child’s mother has left. I am in so far over my head that without your help I could mess this up badly. A fragile, precious life is looking to me for love and validation. I feel so inadequate. And I’m so angry at the birth mom for wounding this beautiful child. But I have been called to this task and my deepest desire is to help this child heal, grow, and become a productive, loving person in today’s society.
Holy Spirit, your words reveal that I am unconditionally loved and cherished. This gives me the ability and strength to offer that same compassion and love to my stepchild. You also provide the assurance that you will never leave me. I long to help my stepchild know this truth and to ease any fears of abandonment that were created when the mother disappeared.
My husband and I need you to teach us how to parent. Give us wisdom and insight into what occurs when a child has been abandoned by a mother. Help us to recognize any warning signs that we might require professional help. Place before us resources, support groups, or a counselor if that is needed. Reveal when our schedule is getting so hectic that it is destroying our priorities. Thank you for loving this child more than my husband or I ever could. Thank you for providing everything I will need to be a godly, emotionally stable, and loving stepmom.
Suggested Bible verses:
Psalm 27:10; John 14:18; Matthew 18:14; 1 Corinthians 2:9