7
“What Did You Say?” Educating Family and Friends
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
—Maya Angelou
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
—Paul of Tarsus, Jewish leader who murdered Christians
I was the only stepmom attending the event, but that didn’t prevent me from immediately warming up to the other moms in the group. They were various ages, in many different stages of life, and had a wide range of experiences. Over the weekend several of them shared how stressful it is to raise children in today’s world.
Their openness and humility provided a safe place to share the complications of being a stepmom. Several of them replied, “I had no idea that stepmoms faced those situations.” But a few moms disliked my insights, and one criticized me.
She and I agreed to disagree. But I was wounded by her sharp words and judgment. I wept during the drive home, thinking, “Maybe she is right, maybe I’m too negative. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
The following weekend I was leading a stepmom event. As I began speaking I observed the ladies seated before me nodding and smiling as I spoke. Their faces communicated, “Finally! Someone understands my life.”
At the end of the event one woman with tear-filled eyes introduced herself saying, “Your stepmom book saved my life and my marriage. No one else understands. I don’t know how to say thank you.” In that moment I realized that when a person has never experienced life in a stepfamily, they do not comprehend the vast complexities in the stepfamily structure, the difficulties of parenting between two homes, and the time it takes for the newly formed family to bond.
It was my job to conquer my insecurities. I had to learn a better way to respond when wounding words came my way.
When people make foolish comments, it’s often out of ignorance. Sometimes a person assumes they understand stepfamily living because they read an article or a stepfamily lives next door. For this person a great comeback can be, “Before I got married I thought I understood stepfamily living. Boy!! It was a huge wake-up call when I discovered I knew almost nothing.”
Those of us who grew up with a stepmom can add, “I had a stepmom growing up, so I foolishly assumed that taught me how to be a stepmom. I was wrong.”
This normally gets the conversation moving into a place where you can explain in more detail should you desire.
Tip #68 Choosing to Love Your Stepkids—A Different Kind of Affection
Nasty comments often come a stepmom’s way when some well-meaning person assumes a stepmom should love her husband’s kids exactly the same way she does her own. The unrealistic thinking that a stepmom is going to automatically and fervently love a child she barely knows, who often dislikes her, and who came from another woman’s body, is ridiculous.
But I’ve stopped counting the number of stepmoms who write and tell me, “I finally got the courage to be honest and speak what I feel as a stepmom. But then my sister (aunt, mother-in-law, pastor’s wife, pick one) said I should be ashamed of myself for saying that I love my own children more than I do my husband’s. I feel terrible. I do love my stepkids, and I grow to love them more as time goes by, but I guess it’s not enough. I’ve often wondered if I really am the wicked stepmom. Now I know for sure—this proves it.”
And the mantle of shame this woman unnecessarily carries grows heavier with each comment. She eventually tells no one how she really feels, thinking she is the worst stepmom on the planet.
A better response is: “Fortunately I’ve been educating myself on stepfamilies. And a common thread in each resource is that it’s unrealistic for a stepmom to love her husband’s kids exactly the same way she loves her own biological children. I work very hard to build a bridge with his kids, and I choose to care deeply about them. A chosen love is still love. Maybe even better, because it takes more work.”
Tip #69 You Simply Fell in Love With a Man Who Has Kids
“You must be crazy to take on someone else’s kids. I’d never do that,” is a recurring expression heard by stepmoms. I understand why it’s popular. We live in a self-centered world and walking into a situation that requires a lot of hard work is undesirable.
A way to shut down further discussion is by sharing, “I fell in love with a man with children. I am shocked by the complexities, but my husband is such a great guy that he is worth it. My role as a stepmom is really hard, and I need support. I know you mean well, but I need encouragement, not negativity.”
Tip #70 You Can’t Fix Stupid
Probably one of the most hurtful statements said to the childless stepmom is “You aren’t a real mom. You wouldn’t understand.” I’ve watched stepmoms cry a river of tears over this statement. It’s the motherhood version of “mean girls.” And if I’m sincerely honest, I don’t really get why one woman feels the need to emotionally attack and crush another woman. It’s beyond me.
I recently read how this cattiness between women is birthed in young girls. Authors Degler and Coughlin share that the relational aggression between girls such as spreading rumors, teasing, threatening to exclude someone, and shunning is used to bully other girls. They add, “Physical punches may not be thrown, but the emotional pain is devastating and, over time, can lead girls and women to believe females, by nature, are untrustworthy, devious, and manipulative—in a word, catty.”1
The act of emotionally bashing another person in an attempt to feel superior is sad, painful, and unproductive. But there are women who do it all the time.
My suggestion is a simple response: “I may not have given birth to a child, but that doesn’t mean I don’t play a mom-like role in the lives of my stepkids. I carpool, cook meals, wash laundry, place Band-Aids on their cuts, and help with homework the same way any mom does. I play a significant role in their lives, and I work at doing it well.”
Tip #71 You Didn’t Know What You Were Getting Into
A person better be ready to duck if she chooses to tell a stepmom, “You knew what you were getting into when you married a man with kids.” To a stepmom, “Them is fightin’ words!”
Before the wedding most stepmoms are unaware of how challenging the journey will be. They know at the altar they are saying, “I do” to a new merging family. But a new stepmom is usually either in denial or uninformed of how she automatically inherited a whole host of people and things over which she has no control, such as a former spouse, the former spouse’s husband (stepdad), the stepdad’s family, ex-in-laws, the friends her hubby jointly has with his ex-wife, and grieving kids.
It throws salt into the wound when people assume she should have known all of this beforehand. The truth is we don’t know what we don’t know. A good response for this comment is “Even though I did read books and attended a stepfamily seminar before the wedding, I could never have imagined or predicted the number of things involved in blending two homes. I had no idea how complicated it would be to keep this marriage alive and thriving. My husband and I have been ambushed by stepfamily complexities, but we are committed to making it work.”
Tip #72 Listen to Wise Words
Sometimes the questions or remarks made to a stepmom are from women who genuinely care and desire a deeper understanding of stepfamily life. This comes in the form of statements such as, “Too bad his kids don’t live with you full time. It would be so much easier for everyone, including the kids if they didn’t have to juggle two homes.”
This well-meaning observation appears logical and practical. That’s when it’s a stepmom’s job to kindly educate others on kids and divorce. Explain that the children who do the best after divorce are the ones who have an ongoing relationship with both parents. And although it is hard on everyone to shuffle between two homes, with two different sets of rules and discipline styles, it’s crucial for the children to maintain a good, steady relationship with both the mom and dad. This is true even if one parent surpasses the other in parenting.
Usually the conversation is beneficial and instructional, which offers the person who made the comment the opportunity to be educated on the subject of kids and divorce as well as stepfamilies.
Tip #73 Stop Attempting to Explain
I have several girlfriends who long to have children but are unable to conceive. These friendships provide me with a deeper understanding and sensitivity into their world of grief, pain, loss, and frustration. Therefore, I’m taken aback when I meet a woman for the first time and her immediate question to me is “How many children do you have?” It is not a difficult situation for me, but my mind automatically travels to my infertile friends. I think about how this simple and mundane question must stab them in the heart, and the womb, every time it is asked.
That’s why, when meeting a new woman, I never bring up children. I stay under the mommy radar as much as possible. If I’m having a conversation with a woman who has children, she will normally bring the subject up eventually. When I am posed the “kid question” I reply, “My husband, Steve, has two children from his first marriage. They are grown now with kids of their own, so we have grandkids.” This typically satisfies the curiosity and takes the conversation in another direction.
Some people don’t want to know how hard it is being a stepmom. And if they were against your husband’s remarriage, they may assume you got what you deserved. In either case it’s best to know when to stop trying to explain.
At the women’s event I mentioned earlier, I realized that no amount of explaining was going to make my point clear. This woman had made up her mind. She knew more about stepfamilies than I did, even though she has never been in one. She had a preconceived idea that all families are the same. And although a wonderful woman, she wasn’t teachable at that moment. Once I realized this fact, I stepped back and changed the subject.
I was still hurt and licking my wounds because I wanted her to understand. Even deeper, I wanted her to like me and to think I’m a good woman. And I walked away feeling she thought less of me as a Christian, a wife, and an author. But I had to shake off the discouragement and pessimism because it’s a lie.
Tip #74 Are You Teachable?
It’s possible that a friend might say something to a stepmom that she doesn’t want to hear. I’m not talking about the people who intentionally make hurtful comments. I’m referring to the true friend who desires our well-being and can see the things that we cannot.
In my own life I have a few women that I trust to tell me the truth about myself. I know they love me; therefore when they speak something into my life that is unpleasant—I listen. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, or that I don’t desire to reject their advice, but deep inside I know they wouldn’t say it to me if they didn’t view it as important.
Do you have a trusted female friend who can be honest? Can she tell you when you are wrong? Are you willing to listen and consider that she might be right? I’ve discovered that if I surrender my own preconceived thoughts and become teachable, this type of friendship can enhance my life immensely. It helps to prune off the ugly stuff and dead branches that don’t produce anything fruitful or productive in my stepmom journey.
The Bible agrees and calls it iron sharpening iron.2
Tip #75 Your Situation Is Unique
Although stepmoms have a lot in common, each stepmom marches to a different drumbeat of life. Her unique background, circumstances, and family setting makes her extraordinary. A stepmom must learn that what works in one stepfamily situation might not work in hers.
There is a priceless treasure in finding a community of positive thinking stepmom sisters. Many times they will be the only way to keep your sanity. Friends and family mean well, but unless they have walked the stepfamily journey they usually won’t get it!
When I get discouraged and I feel like I can’t do one thing right, that’s when it’s time to take a moment of silence and solitude. In prayer I choose to leap into my heavenly Father’s arms, lay my head against his chest, and hear his heartbeat that rhythmically whispers to this weary child, “Laura, I love you. I’m right here. I’ll teach you how to be a smart stepmom. Your methods aren’t always perfect, but your heart is right. My love is not based on performance. I love you just because I created you. Lift up your head, Laura, and embrace truth.”
When I spend time with Jesus and allow him to whisper words of affirmation, truth, and hope, I can feel the tension, frustration, despair, and anger melt away.
If you desire a deeper understanding of this intimate relationship with God and his Son, Jesus, the last chapter addresses this subject.
Precious Papa, there are some people I really dislike. This is not a surprise; you know everything about me. And yet you tell me to treat each person with dignity regardless of how they behave. On my own strength this is impossible. But with you all things are possible.
Jesus, you know exactly what it feels like to be misunderstood, abused, ridiculed, and ostracized. Teach me how to react when people say hurtful, inconsiderate, or thoughtless comments. Help me to remain a lady even when I desire to retaliate with a nasty zinger.
Whenever possible, help me to educate those who are willing to learn about the complexities of stepfamily living. Provide me with the discernment of when to speak and when to keep silent, and then to leave the results with you.
Suggested Bible verses:
Hebrews 2:18; 4:15–16; Colossians 3:12–15
Mary had a little Lamb
His grace was white as snow,
Everywhere the holy One went
His love would overflow.
Angels sang to shepherds,
A manger gave Him rest,
He bridged the gap to heaven
So mankind would be blessed.
This little Lamb named Jesus
Cleanses us from sin,
Wise men—then and now
Know the victory He’ll win.
And everyone who seeks Him
He calmly lingers near,
And softly keeps on calling,
Until we choose to hear.
Mary had a little Lamb
Who hears His people cry,
He offers us a golden crown
To reign with Him on high!
—Laura Petherbridge