I’m not a natural on a bicycle. I have the distinct memory of riding my bike straight into a car when I was a girl. I’m thankful it was parked—I just didn’t know how to turn! Years later, when I began dating James, I quickly learned how much he loved bike riding. He told me, “When I’m riding my bike and having the time of my life, I want to look over my shoulder and see you. I don’t want to see my buddies. I want to see you.”
That was enough for my little lovebird heart. I would become a cyclist. We went to the bicycle store to pick out a mountain bike for me. That was the fun part. But then I actually had to ride the thing. The first time I went on a trail, I had a hard time just transitioning from the parking lot to the trail. You had to steer between wooden posts, and I was terrified that I would run my bike right into one of the posts.
As I stared at those wooden posts in fear, they were getting closer and closer, and suddenly James yelled “Stop!” It was time for a coaching lesson. He told me five simple words that have served me well on the bike and in life.
You go where you focus.
He told me that if I was focused on the wooden posts, I would definitely steer myself right into them. But if I focused on the path between the wooden posts, I would safely steer my bike right onto the path.
You go where you focus. In life, if you focus on your problems, you will be filled with anxiety. But if you focus on what brings true happiness, you will be able to enjoy with newfound satisfaction this amazing journey of being a wife. It’s time to focus on creating more happiness in your marriage.
What is happiness anyway? Is happiness a selfish or noble goal? Do you get it by being beautiful, wealthy, intelligent, or powerful? There are so many misconceptions about happiness. Just look at advertising, which lures us to buy products that promise a happy life. Yet happiness is not a product you can buy with a credit card. It’s more like a by-product of how you live.
Let’s compare what happiness is and what it isn’t.
• Happiness is about contentment; it’s not about comparison.
• Happiness looks out for others; it’s not concerned only with itself.
• Happiness is at peace with God; it’s not trying to win a popularity contest.
• Happiness is attained when you give it away; it’s not achieved by hoarding.
• Happiness is saying thank you; it isn’t saying I deserve better.
• Happiness can live in any circumstance; it doesn’t have to have the exact right circumstances at all times.
• Happiness chooses to respect; it doesn’t choose to retaliate.
• Happiness forgives; it doesn’t warehouse grudges.
Being a happy wife has a lot more to do with belief than circumstances. That’s good news! It means you can work from the inside out to produce more happiness and joy in your life. Maybe you’re thinking, You don’t understand. I just wasn’t born a happy person. I do agree that some people are wired with sunnier dispositions than others. Some babies grow up to be Tiggers; others become Eeyores. But all you Eeyores out there take heart—even Eeyore can grow in joy from a “super-glum” day to a “ho-hum” day. Happy wives keep growing and learning, no matter what the starting place.
A.W. Tozer says, “The Christian owes it to the world to be supernaturally joyful.” 1 That’s certainly a spin on popular thought, which is better described as “The world owes it to me to make me happy.” Many people view happiness as something they are entitled to receive instead of something they are obligated to give. When you believe in God, you have a direct connection to joy that can be given to others. Psalm 128:1 (HCSB) says this, “How happy is everyone who fears the LORD, who walks in His ways!”
It’s Not Like Checking the Weather
My family lives in Southern California, and I must admit we’re weather wimps. Oh, it’s going to be 60 degrees today. Better wear long sleeves and a jacket. I’m constantly checking the weather to gauge what the kids should be wearing to school. Did you know we can “check the weather” when it comes to happiness in our marriage? You can measure your happiness as a wife by external events and circumstances, which, by the way, are many times out of your control.
Rainy weather: Oh, I overslept and my husband didn’t even talk to me before we parted ways this morning. Why is he like that? I am so unhappy!
Sunny weather: My husband left me a note saying how much he loved me. He’s going to take me out to dinner too. I have the best life!
Storm approaching: We’ve been fighting for so long. How in the world are we going to work this out?
If you have to hold your finger in the air, checking the weather to determine whether or not you’re going to be happy, you’ll always be at the mercy of someone else. Here is a better way to take hold of happiness from Dale Carnegie’s classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Everybody in the world is seeking happiness—and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.2
Happiness is not an external job. It’s an internal one that has a lot to do with the way you think. This book is about changing your thinking and supercharging your faith. One word in this book’s title is important to this process and it’s not happy. It’s the word becoming. Do you first believe that you are able to become a happier wife than you are right now? The word becoming has three different definitions that are very useful to consider:
Becoming means flattering. When you are a happy wife, you are beautiful and attractive.
Becoming means the process of coming to be something. You’re not stuck. Get ready to spread your wings as a wife.
Becoming means proper, suitable, and fitting. It is fitting for a wife to act happy. It should not be strange or unusual.
The 5 Keys to Happiness for Wives
For the next 31 days, you’re going to conduct your own happy wife experiment by focusing on five qualities represented by the acronym HAPPY. You are going to become more...
H = Hopeful
A = Adaptable
P = Positive
P = Purposeful
Y = Yielded
Hope acts as the foundation. You must know in your mind and heart that a happier marriage is within your reach and that your relationship with your husband can and will improve. Place your hope in God, not in your man or a plan, but in God.
Being adaptable is important because we wives aren’t generally open to change and the twists and turns of life. But what if you could roll with the punches better? What if you could adapt easily and quickly to a variety of circumstances?
When you are positive, it’s not only a fresh breath of air to your husband, it makes it easier to live with yourself. You know that being positive has many benefits, so it’s time to learn more about optimism.
Purpose keeps you feeling alive. Maybe you’ve felt stuck in the same old, same old rut in your marriage. It’s time to get a fresh vision of what you want to be as a wife and how to get there.
Lastly, a happy wife must be yielded to God and to her husband. When you allow God to take control of your heart and home, you experience the joy of being cared for by a loving heavenly Father.
How to Get the Most Out of This Book
You can read through this book in several ways. Please feel free to tailor your happy wife experiment with your schedule and preferences. You can read one chapter a day and complete the book in one month. Or perhaps you may want to read a few days at a time because you’re on a roll. That’s fine. Perhaps you can work through one letter at a time, such as reading Days 1–6 on becoming hopeful.
Read the affirmation for happy wives aloud once a day. You’ll find this daily affirmation on page 189. Copy this affirmation and put it in different places to make it easy to recite daily. Tape it to your bathroom mirror, computer, or refrigerator. You will probably feel a little foolish the first time you read it out loud. But after a few times, it will sound more natural, and you will enjoy the benefit of putting positive thoughts about being a wife into your mind each day.
Start a Happy Wives Discussion Group. You can read the book together with a group of wives who also want to add more happiness to their lives. Use the discussion guide on pages 195-203. It’s ideal to meet weekly for six weeks to discuss what you’re learning and to have a good laugh together.
Do the action steps. New attitudes and actions go together. As you think differently about happiness, you are going to act differently too. At the end of each day’s reading, you’ll find brief sections called Today’s Picture and Today’s Prayer. As you think and pray about being a happier wife, you will see positive changes in your life that you’re going to like.
Meditate on God’s Word. I compiled a list of Bible verses about happiness and joy that you can read aloud and meditate on during the day. Turn to page 191 to see what the Bible says about happiness.
All right, dear friend, go ahead and give me a smile. That’s fine—a great start! Get ready because in the next 31 days, you are going to find joy in unusual places and gain valuable insights about what really makes you happy.
My mom and I attend a weekly exercise spin class together, and believe me, there are many days when exercising and feeling happy don’t go together. But our instructor always says, “Just get to my class and I will do the rest!” And it’s actually true. If I simply get myself to her class, she will push me to exercise, and afterward I feel so much better.
So for this experiment in becoming a happier wife, allow me to give you that same encouragement. All you have to do is show up. Remember how I told you I wasn’t a natural on a bicycle? You may not feel like a natural when it comes to happiness. Don’t worry. All you have to do is focus on reading each day with an open and grateful heart. And let this book, working in concert with the Holy Spirit, show you how to be a happier wife one day at a time.