A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction

Whatever the particular type of sexually compulsive behavior that is intruding into your relationship, certain patterns of thought can be obstacles to moving forward effectively. No matter what side of this problem you are on, there are some familiar themes.

Generally, women want to know what their partners’ behaviors mean about them and about their relationship. And women often want to know what they can do to help their partners. They would like to somehow ensure that the problem will not happen again.

Usually, men are ashamed about what they have been doing, while at the same time they often attempt to minimize the problem. Men can also have a tendency to blame their partners, their biology, and/or the society in which they live.

To illustrate, let’s look at Heather and Bryan’s story from an e-mail Heather sent to us.

Heather and Bryan

My name is Heather and I am in need of some serious advice. I just don’t know who to turn to about this issue. I am twenty years old and I live with my twenty-one-year-old boyfriend, Bryan. We are absolutely head over heels in love and spend most of our time together. About six months ago, I discovered that Bryan had a secret problem that he was keeping to himself. I think he might be addicted to Internet porn.

After I first discovered the numerous porn sites on his computer, I was devastated. I thought, “Am I not enough?” I can’t live up to the intense, airbrushed, perfect women on those sites. I freaked out, and as he calmed me down, he told me he didn’t have a problem, that he’s just a guy and it was an occasional thing.

Shortly after that, a few days later, I found even more porn on his computer. I was devastated even more. He had initially led me to believe that his using porn was occasional. After that second time I caught him, he finally told me that he had been dealing with his problem with Internet porn since the age of twelve. At that time, he had his own computer and it was just an easy click to see whatever he wanted.

He reassured me that it had nothing to do with being unsatisfied with me or with my body. It was an impulse, an urge. After that, he swore he would never look at the porn again, that I meant too much to him to lose me over it. He promised that if he did, he would tell me.

So for about a month and a half, as far as I know, he didn’t look at anything. But then last Thursday I used his phone to get on the Internet, and right there were a couple of sites he had visited on his break at work. At work! Of course, I was absolutely heartbroken again. I went straight to him and asked, “What the hell is this?” He apologized profusely and said, “I swear, I really don’t look at that stuff anymore. I was just at work and I don’t even know why I did it, I’m so sorry.” He then told me that he thought it would be too hard to tell me that he had looked at porn again because he knew I would get upset. I told him, “I am upset, but it’s always something we can still work through.”

The problem is that I gave Bryan my trust twice already, and he abused it. Now this time he assures me that he doesn’t have a problem with porn anymore—I have nothing to worry about. But I do worry. I worry constantly that he’ll have a “slip up” and look just once more, and then just once more, etc., and not tell me about it.

I have read a lot about sexual addiction and addiction to Internet porn, and Bryan shows all the signs of having an addiction. He told me he still has urges all the time to look, but fights it. He tried to hide it from me because he was embarrassed he couldn’t stop. He even looked at it on his work break because he thought he would be able to just look at a couple of pictures and be good and that I wouldn’t find out.

I worry that until he admits to having an addiction, he won’t truly be able to stop. He needs to realize that he needs to do this for himself. He tells me that he doesn’t like that he looks at the porn and he feels ashamed after he does. He knows how I feel about it, so the only way I can understand his problem is that it is an addiction. But he hates that word and assures me he doesn’t have a problem anymore—let alone an addiction—and that I have nothing to worry about. How can I show him that his problem is way more serious than he thinks it is? How can I sort this thing out?

Thanks for your help,

Heather

From Heather’s e-mail, we can be certain that each partner in the relationship has issues and that the relationship between them needs help. However, it seems that Heather and Bryan have reached conclusions that are just not accurate. Let’s start with the reassurances we would give to both Heather and Bryan—and to you.

Keep in mind that we offer these reassurances knowing that they are important to hear, but also realizing that they are not going to solve the problem. They probably will not penetrate to the core of the internal machinery that has created the problem. We will follow up in later chapters with tools to unravel the mechanisms that are contributing to the difficulty you are experiencing inside yourself and with your partner. We will show you how to work with the underlying motivating causes. In the meantime, think of these reassurances as seeds that are being planted, and take in these reassurances as deeply as you can. We also strongly recommend that you read through the reassurances for both you and for your partner. Understanding the issue from your significant other’s point of view is vital to your development of compassion and empathy.

For Her: What This Does Not Mean about You

As we mentioned in Chapter 1, you should know that you did not cause your partner’s sexually compulsive behavior, nor can you cure it. That will be his task. His behavior is not about you. It certainly affects you, but it is not due to anything you have done or not done. His sexually compulsive behavior was in place before you met him. You may be (and probably are) an irritant and a stimulant to him at varying times, but his choices about how to deal with his irritations and stimulations are his alone, as are yours.

His fixation with sexuality outside of your relationship does not mean that he does not love you. In our experience, men who are fixated sexually with images or even with people outside of their relationship can still deeply love their partners. They just don’t know how to connect intimately and sexually, even though they truly love their partners and want to have a real intimate relationship. Clearly, your relationship is not hopeless or doomed because your partner has a problem with sexual compulsivity.

You need to put in place several important agreements before you can move forward as a couple. Your partner must let you know that he understands he needs to learn how to make other choices in expressing his sexuality. If he is not willing to see that his sexually acting-out behavior is unacceptable in the relationship, then you do not have the ground upon which you can rebuild. He may have no concept of how to work with his sexually compulsive urges at this point, but he must understand that his behaviors have been unacceptable and destructive to your relationship. If your partner is unwilling to 1) recognize that his sexual behaviors are destructive to the relationship, and 2) see that he needs to find a way to alter his repetitive and compulsive tendencies, then your relationship does not have a true chance of moving toward genuine intimacy.

Your partner’s fixation with pornographic images or with prostitutes does not mean that you need to compete with the images or the prostitutes. You do not need to turn yourself into a sex object, to fashion yourself into the image of a porn star or sexy prostitute. You would not even want to compete with these images. Your value as a sexual partner is not based on becoming more like the airbrushed illusionary perfection of the plastic world of pornography. When your partner is turned on by and is masturbating to these images, he is not engaged in intimate sex. Alternatively, the sexual connection you are interested in having with your partner is an expression of intimacy.

As we mentioned in Chapter 1, compulsive, addictive sex is not the same thing as intimate sex. Your partner may not understand this yet, but you probably do. You have the capacity to express your beauty, your sexuality, and your love for giving and receiving pleasure with and from your partner. Intimate sex is sacred. It can be fun and playful and intense, but it is not based in compulsion, fear, or shame. It is a powerful expression of loving tenderness born of intimate, vulnerable connection with a loving partner.

You are not weak or damaged just because you want to stay with your partner and rebuild your relationship. You are the judge of what is right for your life, your body, your relationship. However, if your partner is unwilling to admit to his problem with sexual compulsiveness and work toward building the capacity for intimate connected sex, then you need to examine your part in cocreating a relationship that does not honor you as a true partner.

Keep in mind that even if you make a choice that you later determine was an error, it does not necessarily mean that you made a wrong choice for that moment. Sometimes it takes an apparent wrong turn to learn something. Treat yourself as if you are a child learning to walk—you sometimes need to fall down to reach the ultimate goal of being able to dance. If you feel you may be hanging on to your relationship in a compulsive way, we urge you to seek support. In Chapter 11, you will find information on how to learn more about what has been termed co-sex addiction.

You do not have to force yourself to trust your partner right now. Actually, you probably do not trust him now. And you have a good reason for your lack of trust. He has not been faithful to the commitment of the relationship and has probably lied repeatedly. Trust in your relationship will need to be rebuilt. In Chapters 5 and 8, we discuss the rebuilding of trust and the importance of undefended honesty.

You are going to feel angry, upset, and mistrusting. You do not have to banish your reactions; in fact, you can’t. In Chapter 7, we show you how you can use the strong feelings and emotions you are having to strengthen your relationship with yourself and your partner. The feelings you are having are normal. Both you and your partner have the task of learning how to tell the truth to yourself and to each other. Through this truth telling, intimacy will be rebuilt and trust will naturally arise. You do not have to force it to come back.

You don’t need to do this alone. We have found that in dealing with sexually compulsive behaviors, outside support is frequently necessary. As mentioned, in Chapter 11 you will find information on locating this kind of support. However, this book will provide you with the information and tools you need to begin changing your relationship whether or not you also attend counseling, join a group, or seek other outside support.

Needing support in moving through this process does not mean you are weak. You will need to reach out to connect with friends, family, and other support systems. It is important to find help and comfort that is actually supportive. True support comes from someone who is able to provide real empathy. This does not mean they agree with everything you tell them or having them side with you about how bad and wrong your partner has been. Ideally, you will be able to reveal, to unearth, to expose your story of shame, your story of blame. A compassionate friend will hold a loving space for you to find your own answers. Your support person may point you toward seeing what you cannot see on your own because he or she understands the emotional territory you are traversing, but this person does not force you into that awareness. The key to true support is compassion—for both you and your partner.

For Him: What This Does Not Mean about You

It is common for men who have engaged in sexually compulsive behavior to feel as if they have failed in their relationships with their girlfriends or spouses. But there are sound reasons why you are sexually addicted, and the roots of those motives will be explored in more detail in Chapter 9, which covers your history, or why you behave the way you do.

For now, we want to be clear that being a sex addict does not mean you are a failure. It also does not mean that you are bad or wrong. It does mean that you are living in reaction to your history, which includes the attitudes and role models you saw regarding intimacy while you were growing up, for example.

Because you are reading this book, sexual compulsion is obviously a problem for you and your significant other. Fortunately, it is a problem that can be dealt with, and many men and couples have done just that. We want to be clear that you are not doomed to live with this problem for the rest of your life. You can change.

Firstly, it bears repeating that you can stop acting out sexually. Once you do that, your relationship has a chance to change. This book explores not just how to move beyond sexually addicted behaviors, but how to achieve a new and more intimate and sexual connection in your relationship. Secondly, you can start being honest with yourself and with your loved one, which can allow more safety and vulnerability into your relationship. The road to vulnerability is paved with undefended honesty, a subject detailed in Chapter 8.

Many men have grown up thinking that all types of sex or sexual connection are basically the same thing—sex. But as mentioned, sex addiction and intimate sex are not the same thing. In fact, they are profoundly different. In Chapter 1, we explained the specifics of our sexual impulses and delineated when sexual activity becomes sexual addiction. For now, it is important that you 1) recognize and admit that you have an issue with sexual compulsivity, and 2) make a commitment to stopping the sexually compulsive behaviors. You may not know how to stop the behaviors, but you can commit to finding a way to stop and to building intimacy with your partner. In fostering your natural vulnerability, you will be able to build true intimacy, including sexual intimacy, with your partner.

Because you have acted out sexually, you may doubt that you love your wife or girlfriend—although, most likely, you do. Being sexually addicted and acting out sexually does not mean you don’t love the person you’re with; it does mean that you have an issue with intimacy. For example, a real woman has real feelings that you may be uncomfortable with. On the other hand, there is no need for you to deal with reality when you interact with a woman on a porn site or a prostitute or a strip club dancer. That’s the fantasy of sexually addictive behavior, and it has no relation to real intimacy.

Although you may have other issues that require psychological counseling, being sexually compulsive does not mean you are mentally ill or sick or crazy. Having engaged in sexually compulsive behavior also does not mean there is something wrong with you or that you are a pervert. Many men feel ashamed of acting out sexually, and they often consider themselves weak. If you feel that way, it does not mean you are weak, but that you have not yet learned how to break free of your sexually compulsive behavior and find true intimacy in your relationship with a loved one.

Most addictive behaviors take you away from what is happening or what you are feeling that you do not know how to deal with in the moment. Chapter 7 provides a deeper understanding of how to deal with strong emotions, vulnerability, and intimacy, along with your responses to hurt, anger, and fear. When you learn to resist the instinctive impulse to get away, you gain the capacity to cope with your emotions in a positive way that can lead to increased honesty and intimacy.

Once you do finally break free of sexually acting out, you understand that by giving up your sexually compulsive behavior you are not losing anything. Quite to the contrary, you are gaining everything. Real intimacy with a real person is worth more than all the money in the world. This book will provide you with methods to determine what is in the way of achieving intimacy with the person you love. Examples of what can be in the way are shame, blame, and pain.

No Magic Bullet

We understand that even though you may hear, understand, and accept the above encouragements, these words will not magically remove your natural responses of anger, fear, and pain. They do not wipe out your underlying story of worthlessness, or remove the pain driven by shame. They will not remove your compulsive urges. But hearing these reassurances and taking them in is a necessary, important, and helpful step.

Exercise: Disclosure

If you have not already done so, it is time for full disclosure with your partner. If you are not ready to disclose or if you are uncertain about whether or not sexual compulsivity is a problem in your relationship, it may be helpful to reread these first four chapters again. If you feel you need outside support prior to approaching full disclosure, we discuss finding those types of resources in Chapter 11. And it can be helpful to refer back to the “Ground Rules for Communicating Difficult Issues” at the end of Chapter 3.

For Him: The Truth, the Whole Truth

So, the time has come for you to make an appointment with your partner to fill her in on the missing pieces of how your sexual compulsions have manifested—your specific behavior. You may be unsure about how much you should reveal. What level of detail is appropriate? This is something you will need to negotiate with your partner.

The guideline we generally give is that you need to disclose all the significant ways you have acted out, but you don’t necessarily need to provide every specific sexual detail. However, if there are other people involved, you will need to let her know who those people are. If they are people she knows or may meet, she needs to know their names. If there is any kind of possible exposure to disease or infection involved, you will need to provide those details.

For example, if your issue is masturbating to porn on the Internet, you will need to tell her the type of porn websites you go to, how often you have tended to go there, and any repercussions you may

have suffered because you have been engaged in your compulsion— such as getting in trouble at work. If you have been going online to chat rooms, tell her about the type of chat rooms you have visited and the type of conversations you had there. If you have been flirting with your coworkers, friends, or strangers, you need to let her know the nature of the flirting.

If you have had sex (unprotected or not) with others, you need to let her know the specific nature and level of physical contact. If you have had any kind of sex with another, it is important that she get a checkup with her doctor, even if you are certain that you could not have passed on any kind of disease or infection. This precaution is important so both of you can have peace of mind and a fresh start.

Be sure to tell her each element of your acting out. Again, you don’t need to provide every sexual detail, but you do need to be sure you have told her about every significant type of behavior. In order to rebuild trust, she will need to know that you haven’t left anything out. You don’t want her to discover something significant later by getting a phone call, talking to a friend, or hearing about a sexually transmitted disease from her doctor.

Let your partner guide you about the amount of detail she would like to have concerning types of behaviors, names of people, number of encounters, dates, places, expense, or any other specifics she would like to know. Each person will have their own level of comfort with the level of detail they need to hear. Keep in mind that comparing your partner to someone else is not necessary and will probably only be hurtful.

Each person has their own needs in terms of level of detail that they would like to hear. For some people, more details are reassuring; for others, specifics are hurtful. To understand this, think of the description you would give to a friend if you got a bad cut on your finger that required stitches. Some people might want to hear every detail about how you got the cut and might even want to see the stitches. Someone else might be satisfied with simply knowing that you cut your finger. That person may not even want to see the bandage.

If you are reading this book, we’re assuming that your partner already knows at least some of what you have done. A big part of your reluctance to tell is simply that you feel guilty. No one wants to mess up. However, if you do not reveal what you have been trying to hide, the secret will impact you and your relationship negatively in a number of ways. Your partner’s imagination about what you have done is generally more destructive to your relationship than the truth about your compulsive, addictive sexual behavior.

Too many times, we have seen the person who has been sexually compulsive make the mistake of not telling his partner everything she wants to know. Because part of the problem is that he has been holding back, if he continues to do so, the problem will not be resolved.

The more honest you are now, the better the chance of saving the relationship. This level of disclosure will probably be uncomfortable because you are likely to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or guilty. You may feel like the kid who has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. But don’t be like the kid who denies that he has taken the cookies. Go ahead and admit to everything you have done. In the long run, this will be in your best interest and in the best interest of your relationship.

Finally, you need to apologize, without excuses. Say, “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you in this way,” “I’m sorry I’ve lied to you,” “I’m sorry I’ve put you at risk.” This would not be the time to bring up any issues or unhappiness you feel about your partner. There is no legitimate excuse for acting out sexually. Simply say, “I’m sorry” and let her know specifically what you are sorry for doing. This is important. In our experience, most men are desperate to give reasons and excuses for their behavior. Those impulses are normal, but don’t follow them. This is simply the moment to reveal and apologize.

For Her: He Has Something to Tell You

When your partner tells you the details of how he has betrayed the intimacy of his connection with you, you will likely feel some apprehension and some relief. The most important thing to remember is that his acting out has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with your sexuality or desirability, or your value as a human. This is his inappropriate way of dealing with issues and feelings that he has not previously known how to endure.

This is also the time for you to tell all. If you have any suspicions that have not been voiced, state them. Ask for any details you want to hear. There may be some specifics you would just as soon not know. You may or may not want to hear specific sexual details like the types of porn sites your partner has visited, the names or types of people with whom he has engaged sexually, or the elements of a sexual encounter. Maybe you are not ready to hear this sort of detail, and maybe you will be ready next week, next year, or never. Take care of yourself and respect your feelings. Part of respecting your feelings is sharing them with your partner. If you have felt hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, or disappointed, be honest and clear.

Share your feelings without blaming. Although your feelings are in response to his behavior, they are still your feelings. He may have done things that have caused these feelings to arise, but they are your feelings. If you have feelings of being hurt, sad, angry— whatever you may feel—that is perfectly normal.

Right now, you don’t need to forgive or feel compassion for your partner. That may come in time, but it is not necessary right now. Your feelings of understanding, forgiveness, and compassion will probably ebb and flow for a while. It is important to let him say everything he has to say without stopping him before you comment. When he is finished, let him know exactly how you feel. Tell him as specifically as you can without attacking him personally.

By this, we mean you may want to tell him how hurt you are, how angry you are, or how numb you feel. You can express all that without telling him what a rotten person he is or how he is exactly like his father or your father or some despicable character you know. After he has shared with you, you will quite possibly need time to be alone and reflect on what you have heard.

For Him: How to Bear Her Reaction

Now that you have finally “come clean” and revealed all the worst of you, you probably feel that you deserve a big pat on the back for your courage and honesty. And you do deserve kudos— this is a big and important step. But your partner may be sad, angry, distant, or some combination of those emotions. It is normal for you to feel good about what you have accomplished so far. And it is normal that your partner is still processing what she has heard from you. At this time, it is important that you simply acknowledge your partner’s feelings. Skillful responses include, “I understand” and “I’m sorry.”

It is perfectly normal if you have the impulse to defend yourself by explaining your actions or blaming your partner. But don’t do it! This impulse is part of your survival mechanism. You want to protect yourself by fending off what feels like an attack. Or you may have an urge to just run away. When you can recognize this impulse for what it is, you will recognize that you have the option to make a different choice about your response.

As much as you can, put yourself in your partner’s shoes and compassionately hear her response, and you will be able to lay the groundwork for the rebuilding of her trust.

Many men have reported that because their partner’s response is difficult to bear, they have intense urges to engage in their familiar sexually compulsive behaviors. It can be helpful to find ways to get the support that your partner might not be able to provide. You may need someone to help you with your urges to fight back, run away, or act out. And you may want to receive recognition for your efforts. This would be the time to speak with a good friend, counselor, support group, trusted family member, or your pastor.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

• Reassurances for her:

1. You are not responsible for your partner’s sexually addictive behaviors. His choices about how he deals with his irritations and stimulations are his alone, as are yours.

2. Your partner’s sexually addictive actions are not an indication that he does not love you. Your relationship is not hopeless or doomed because your partner has a problem with sexual compulsivity.

3. You are not weak or damaged because you want to stay with your partner and rebuild your relationship.

4. You don’t have to force yourself to trust your partner right now. It is normal to feel angry, upset, and mistrusting.

5. You don’t need to go through this time alone. Reach out to friends, family, and other support systems.

• Reassurances for him:

1. Being a sex addict does not mean you are a failure.

2. You can stop acting out sexually. Once you do that, your relationship has a chance to survive, change, and become more intimate and fulfilling.

3. Having an issue with sexual compulsivity does not mean you do not love your partner. It does mean you have an issue with intimacy.

4. You may not know how to stop your sexually addictive behaviors, but you can commit to finding a way to stop them and to building intimacy with your partner.

5. You don’t need to go through this time alone. Reach out to friends, family, and other support systems.

Looking Forward

In Chapter 5, which opens Part 2, we begin by looking at reestablishing trust as a first step. Other chapters in Part 2 explore areas that are typically roadblocks to healing and creating deeper intimacy, understanding the toxic cycle of shame and blame, and working with strong feelings and emotions. Learning to work with strong emotions not only helps you develop deeper intimacy, it also helps you develop the necessary capacity to work with addictive urges.