How Do You Say You’re Sorry?

Now it’s your turn.

As you’ve gone through the previous chapters, have you recognized your spouse, your child, your friend, yourself in any of the examples? I know that I (Jennifer) have a much deeper understanding of my husband, J.T., through this research. J.T. is a rational thinker for whom debates are routine and being accurate is of primary importance. Recently, I realized that my apologies should include “I was wrong” in order for him to best hear my remorse. He needs me to accept responsibility. In contrast, feelings are my top priority. I need him to express regret, to say that he is concerned about my feelings: “I am sorry.” By our thirteenth year of marriage, we had finally learned to shorten our arguments by apologizing not in our own languages but in the primary language of the other person.

What we have learned in our marriage is what Gary and I have found to be true in most marriages: married couples generally do not have the same primary apology language. Consequently, their apologies are often met with resistance rather than forgiveness.

As I looked at our apology survey data from couples, I reviewed the extent that a husband and wife matched in their languages. I found that a full 75 percent of the couples differed in their most preferred apology language. Amazingly, of that 75 percent who prefer a different language of apology, in 15 percent of the couples one member’s primary apology language was the other member’s last choice! If you apologize to your spouse in the way that you most want to be apologized to, our data suggest that, on average, you wouldn’t stumble upon his or her favorite apology language until your third attempt! Assuming the survey is accurate, that means three of every four couples must learn to speak an apology language different than the one they most want to hear!

ASK YOURSELF

Here are several questions to help you identify your own preferred apology language.

Question 1: What Do I Expect the Person to Do or Say?

Randy and Beth were in my office because of an extended argument they had over the fact that he had forgotten their anniversary and had planned nothing special to celebrate it. After listening to both of them for some time, I asked Beth, “What would Randy have to say or do in order for you to forgive him?”

“I want him to say he’s sorry,” she responded. “I don’t think he understands how much this really hurt me. I want him to admit that this was wrong. How could he forget? And it would really be nice if he would try to plan something to make it up to me, something that he would come up with on his own.”

“You’ve mentioned three things,” I said. “You want him to tell you that he’s sorry. You want him to admit that what he has done is wrong. And you would like for him to do something to make it up to you. If you could only have one of those, which would you choose?”

“More than anything, I want him to know how much this has hurt me,” Beth said. “I don’t think he realizes it. Special days are not as important to him as they are to me.”

It was obvious to me that Beth’s primary apology language was expressing regret. She wanted to hear Randy say, “I realize how much I hurt you. I know that our anniversary celebration is important to you. I can’t believe I forgot it. I’m really sorry.” Then if he would throw in “I hope that you will let me make it up to you,” that would be icing on the cake and would definitely start the process of forgiveness in her heart and mind.

Question 2: What Hurts Most Deeply about This Situation?

This question is especially helpful if the offender has not yet apologized at all or has not apologized to your satisfaction. Kevin had been hurt deeply by his older brother, Greg. They had always had a close relationship and considered themselves friends as well as brothers. Six months earlier, Greg had gotten a financial tip from one of his buddies at work and had made an investment that had quickly proved successful. He shared his good news with Kevin, and to his surprise, Kevin had gotten angry and said, “I can’t believe you didn’t let me get in on that! I mean, we’re brothers. Why didn’t you share that with me?”

“I didn’t know that you would want to invest,” Greg had responded.

“What do you mean, ‘didn’t know if I would want to invest’? Anybody would want to invest in a deal like that!” Kevin said. The conversation went from bad to worse and resulted in the brothers not seeing each other for three weeks. Then Greg went to Kevin and tried to apologize, but Kevin did not respond very positively. They started doing things together again, but the relationship was just not the same.

When I ran into both of them at a baseball game, they shared their problem with me. I asked Kevin, “What hurts you most about this whole situation?”

“I think it’s that Greg will not admit that what he did was wrong. How could you not let your brother in on a good deal? He said he was sorry, but he won’t admit that what he did was wrong.”

I looked at Greg and he said, “I don’t see it as being wrong. I’m really sorry that I didn’t let Kevin know, but I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I honestly didn’t know that he would want to invest. It was really unintentional.”

We talked further and I helped Greg see that even when an offense is not intentional—for example, bumping into someone at work and spilling coffee on him—you would apologize and perhaps help him clean his shirt. “So even though it was unintentional, you would still take the responsibility for your actions by admitting that you should have been watching where you were going, and you would seek to make restitution.”

“Yes,” Greg answered, “because obviously I spilled the coffee.”

I paused for a moment and then said, “Kevin’s coffee is spilled, even though you didn’t intend it.”

“I’ve got it,” he said. “I should have been watching where I was walking the day I got the tip. If so, I would have shared it with my brother because I really love this guy. And I have not enjoyed the last three weeks.”

So as I watched the two in the stands of the big ballpark, Greg looked at his brother and said, “I love you, man. And I should have been thinking about you that day. I’ll sell the stock and give you half of the profits.”

“Hey, you don’t need to do that,” Kevin said. “You’ve already done enough. I forgive you.”

The two guys hugged each other, and I was glad that I had come to the ball game.

Had I not asked Kevin the question, “What hurt you most about this situation?” I would never have known that his primary apology language was accepting responsibility. So I would not have known how to guide Greg in making a sincere apology. Greg did not have to say the words, “I was wrong.” He did have to accept responsibility for his actions by saying, “I should have been thinking about you that day.” That’s what Kevin needed to hear in order to accept Greg’s apology as sincere.

I later learned that Greg did sell the stock and gave half of the capital gains to his brother. That was “the icing on the top of the cake.” It would not have been necessary, but it sealed the apology and brought further healing to the relationship.

Question 3: How Do I Apologize to Others?

Usually the language you speak to others is the language you most want to receive. Listen to Mary from Green Bay, Wisconsin: “When I apologize to others, I want to make sure to let them know ‘I’m sorry.’ I wish it had not happened. I would not want to hurt them in any way, but I realize I have. I want them to know that I’m suffering because I feel very badly that I have hurt them.” Mary’s own apology language probably is expressing regret.

George is a truck driver from Indianapolis: “When I apologize, I admit that I was wrong. To me, that is what an apology is. If you don’t admit that you are wrong, you have not apologized.” It’s likely George’s own apology language is accepting responsibility.

Anna from Charlotte, North Carolina, said, “When I apologize to others, what I try to do is to assure them that with God’s help I will not do this again. I want them to know that I am not happy with what I did, and I really want to change my behavior.” Anna probably hears an apology best in language #4, planned change, that tries to keep the behavior from happening again.

Perhaps two languages seem to be equally important to you; that is, both speak loudly to you about the sincerity of the other person. When you ask yourself which is more important, you hear yourself say, Well, really they are equally important. Then you may be “bilingual,” which may actually make it easier for those who seek to apologize to you. If the offender speaks either of those two languages, you will sense that he or she is sincere and be inclined to forgive the person.

To further help you in discovering your primary apology language, we have included an apology language profile on pages 177–88. This is not meant to be a scientific instrument, but it is a practical tool to help you discover your apology language and discuss it with the significant people in your life.

WHAT ABOUT THE LANGUAGE OF THOSE YOU LOVE?

But what about discovering the language of a spouse, a child, a parent, a friend? You might encourage them to read this book, answer the three questions given above, or take the profile and discuss it with you. This would be the more overt and probably the most helpful way for the two of you to learn how to apologize to each other effectively.

You could also reframe questions 1–3 and use them to discover the person’s primary apology language. You could ask the person to describe an apology that someone once gave him or her that seemed insufficient. In that case, what was lacking? You could ask him, “Was there something the person could have said but chose not to say that would have made your heart feel whole?” Or when you have offended another person, you might ask her: “I know that I have hurt you. I value our relationship. So, what do I need to say or do in order for you to consider forgiving me?” That person’s answer will likely reveal her preferred language.

When her husband asked this question, one wife answered, “I’ll tell you one thing. I will never consider forgiving you until you admit what you did was wrong. You act like you can say anything you want to say and it’s okay as long as you are joking. Well, I’m tired of your ‘jokes.’ I’m never going to forgive you until you acknowledge that they’re hurtful and wrong.” Her answer revealed clearly that her primary apology language was accepting responsibility for his behavior and admitting wrong.

When you realize that you have offended another person, you might reframe question 2 to sound something like this: “I know that I have hurt you. I can see it in the way you respond to me. I am sorry. Why don’t you tell me what hurts you most about what I said or did?”

The third question can be asked in a more neutral setting at a time when neither of you have recently offended the other. You might say, “I’ve been reading a book on how to say you’re sorry to someone you love. Let me ask you a question and get your opinion. When you express an apology to someone else for something you’ve done that has hurt them, what do you think is the most important part of the apology?”

If they are open, you share the five apology languages. If they say, “I don’t want to hear what’s in the book. I’ll tell you what’s important to me,” then listen to their answer and you will likely discover their primary apology language.

William, a fiftyish businessman, was asked this question by a colleague. His response was, “To me, the important part of an apology is letting the other person know that you feel bad that what you have done or failed to do has hurt them.” William then recalled a time when he apologized to his daughter for not getting home in time to attend her piano recital.

Seeing her disappointment, he told her, “I realize now how much this meant to you, and I feel really bad that I missed this opportunity to be with you and to watch you perform. I know that you are a great pianist, and I am the loser for not having heard you. I hope that you will forgive me and give me another chance. I love you and your sister and your mom more than anything.” He hugged her, and “she cried. I felt that she was trying to forgive me,” he told the colleague.

“I felt awful. I tried to communicate that. To me, you are not apologizing if you don’t feel awful about what you’ve done.”

This father’s answer to his coworker reveals that his primary apology language is expressing regret.

A “10” APOLOGY

But what if you’ve apologized and you sense that the other person still hasn’t fully forgiven you? Here is an approach that may help you deepen the level of forgiveness. A day or two after you have offered your apology, say to the other person, “On a scale of 0–10, how sincere do you feel my apology was the other night?” If the other person says anything less than 10, then you respond, “What could I do to bring it up to a 10?” The answer will give you the practical information you need to continue the apology process until you have done everything possible to pave the way for forgiveness.

One husband asked his wife this question and her answer was, “About 7,” to which he responded, “What could I do to bring it up to a 10?” She said, “I mostly believe that you are sincere—but the one thing you didn’t say is that you were wrong. I still wonder if you are excusing your behavior because of the way I treated you. I know that I haven’t been perfect, but I don’t think anything that I have done gave you an excuse to do what you did. I’m not sure that you really feel that.”

The husband said, “I can see how you might feel that way. Let me tell you that I know what I did was wrong. There was no excuse for my behavior. I take full responsibility for what I did. In no way was it your fault. I’m sorry that I put you through this, and I hope that in time you will be able to forgive me.”

And that, very likely, is just what his wife needed to hear.

TALK ABOUT IT

Which of the five apology languages are most important to you? Think about your closest friend. Which apology language do you think is most important to him or her?

Review the questions for discovering your primary love language. Which one do you find most helpful?

What do you personally desire most in an apology?