INTRODUCTION

Why This Is Important

My daughter is late over and over again,” a woman said to me. “She’s a wonderful young woman, but she’s just habitually late—to our house for dinner, to church, you name it. It isn’t a huge deal, but I wish just once she would say she was sorry.”

Another woman I’ll call Lisa said, “I love my husband dearly, but I’m tired of repeated apologies without behavior change, especially when it comes to chores. Don’t just say, ‘I’m sorry I forgot to mop the kitchen floor.’ Remember to do it!”

Jack, fiftyish, is estranged from his brother because years ago his brother swindled him out of some money. “Never has he told me he feels bad about what he did. I don’t really care about the money, but I feel like he should make it right somehow,” he said.

Michelle is recently divorced from Sam. However, she recognizes her part in the disintegration of their marriage, and God is leading her to seek reconciliation: “Deep down, I believe that God is saying it is worth it to pursue this often untraveled road.” These offenses range from annoying to life-shattering—but in every case, a relationship needs mending. A wrong needs to be righted. Where do we start?

Sara was wondering the same thing when she came to one of my marriage seminars. Before the conference started, she came up to me and asked, “Are you going to deal with the importance of apologizing?”

“That’s an interesting topic,” I responded. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, all my husband says is ‘I’m sorry.’ To me, that’s not an apology.”

“So what do you want him to say or do?” I asked.

“I want him to admit that he is wrong and to ask me to forgive him. I also want him to assure me that it won’t happen again.”

Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I have conducted extensive research on the importance of apologizing effectively, and what we have learned has convinced us that Sara is not alone in her desire to deal with issues of admitting wrong and seeking forgiveness. Apology, however, is not a word that means the same thing to everyone. That is because we have different “languages” of apology.

“I have seen this often in my counseling,” Jennifer said. “One spouse says, ‘If he would only apologize,’ and the other says, ‘I have apologized.’ So they get into an argument about what it means to apologize. Of course, they have different perceptions.”

I have observed numerous couples in my office exhibiting similar behavior. It was obvious they were not connecting with each other. The supposed apology was not having the desired effect of forgiveness and reconciliation. I also remember occasions in my own marriage when Karolyn would apologize but I considered it rather weak, and other occasions when I would apologize, but she’d have a hard time forgiving me because she felt that I was insincere.

We believe that going beyond a quick “I’m sorry”—learning to apologize effectively—can help rekindle love that has been dimmed by pain. We believe that when we all learn to apologize—and when we understand each other’s apology language—we can trade in tired excuses for honesty, trust, and joy.

All of us are painfully aware of the conflict, division, anger, and strife in our world today. We will conclude, therefore, with a chapter that some may see as ethereal but we believe holds great potential: What would the world be like if we all learned to apologize effectively?

Join us as we explore what it means to be truly sorry—and to move toward true forgiveness.

—GARY CHAPMAN, PHD

—JENNIFER THOMAS, PHD