6

A Thriving Family
Nurtures Growth

image

WHEN OUR KIDS WERE IN grade school, it seemed like all we did on weekends was go to birthday parties—sometimes two or three in a single day! We aren’t really complaining; most of the time there were fun activities for the kids and good food and conversations for parents.

Riding home from a party one Saturday night, Isaiah suddenly yelped, “I’m about to be sick!” We pulled the car over, and he proceeded to vomit into the gutter. When he got back in the car, he looked awful. Like any good parents, we wanted to figure out what was making him sick. Was he coming down with the flu, or was it something he ate?

“Isaiah, what did you eat at the party?” Lisa asked.

“I had a few pieces of lasagna.”

“How many?”

“Four or five.”

“That’s a lot of lasagna for an eight-year-old!” she commented.

“I also had some garlic bread.”

“How many pieces?”

“Six or seven—and some brownies.”

“How many?”

“Eight or nine. And there was a big bowl of peanut M&Ms, so I ate a bunch of those—and five glasses of lemonade.”

“Isaiah!” Mark exclaimed. “No wonder you feel sick. That’s enough food for an entire family!”

Isaiah began to cry.

“Hey, Spanks,” Mark said. “You aren’t in trouble. Why are you crying?”

Clutching his stomach he said, “I have to throw up again.”

When he got back in the car, he turned to Mark and said, “Dad, I think I need to do an experiment in truth.”

“Experiment in truth” is a term we use in our family to describe the opportunity and choice to grow and change. Isaiah had heard us talk about our own experiments and new steps we were taking to address problems in our lives. “I think I have a problem with eating too much at parties,” he said, still pale and sweaty from vomiting.

“All of us are being invited to grow and change,” Mark said. “When you’re feeling better, we can help you brainstorm some new steps to take.”

Life brings each of us many opportunities to grow and change. In this chapter, we’ll explore how your family can help each other be responsive to this invitation. A thriving family embraces each person’s belovedness, holds their brokenness and supports their growth.

BELOVED AND BROKEN

Family life often reveals the true nature of our character, the ways we see and respond to the challenges and opportunities of our lives. Getting married or becoming a parent can bring us into a new awareness of our wounds and brokenness. In public we naturally try to present our best selves, but our families see us at our best and worst, when our guard is down, when we’re tired, sick, struggling or stressed. They see where our growth is being sabotaged.

This may be why so many of us have complicated feelings about our families of origin. The people closest to us act as a mirror, showing us what we’re really like on the inside—and we feel exposed. We fall short of the love we wish to give, and our flourishing is threatened by anxiety, worry, anger, insecurity, jealousy, pride or fears that reside deep within. Each of us has growth edges, patterns of thoughts and habits that are simply not working, and these cause inner turmoil and external conflict.

What we’re experiencing is the reality and complexity of the human condition, which is known by many names, including sin, the false self and the shadow. When faced with the reality of the human condition, we can choose to deny it, define ourselves by it or embrace it as an invitation for growth. At their best, our families gently hold our brokenness, affirm our belovedness and support our becoming.

Holding the tension between belovedness and brokenness is a tricky task, like trying to hold a needle-covered prickly pear in your hand without getting stung. Many of us have been pricked and paralyzed by shame. Shame describes what we experience when we fail to live up to a standard of behavior. It becomes destructive when we allow it to define who we are. Shame itself is not the problem, and denying it is not the solution. (Only psychopaths and serial killers live completely free of shame.) We can learn to interpret our experience of shame as a signal that invites us into positive growth and change. We hardly need to be told that we’re broken or sinful; we know this by experience. It takes more courage to trust that we’re beloved.

The truest thing about you is not that you’re broken. The truest thing about each of us is that we are amazing beings created in the divine image. Life is a process of learning how best to flourish as the beings we were created to be—to respond to God’s invitation to move from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light.

THE UNWELCOME VISITOR

One of our goals as a family is to celebrate our blessedness and be honest about our brokenness so we can effectively grow toward our best selves—in other words, becoming like Christ in our character and behavior. We believe it’s important for us, as adult family members, to model authenticity and vulnerability. We all have gaps between how we want to live and how we actually live.

Character growth is a lifelong process, not a one-time event or something only children need. Modeling honesty and vulnerability shows our kids that we don’t expect anything of them that we do not expect of ourselves. Mark likes to tell the story of a character growth edge he faced that played out in the life of our family.

Years ago a stranger would regularly walk into our house and suddenly begin ordering people around. He spoke in angry tones, picked at small details and made harsh demands without listening. This stranger made life miserable for all of us, and we wondered, Who is this guy, and why does he think he can walk into our house and treat us all this way?

Eventually we began to refer to this unwelcome visitor as “Crabby Dad.” You guessed it; I (Mark) was Crabby Dad. I felt ashamed to be so angry, impatient and irritable. When Crabby Dad made an appearance, I would often pray for patience and a change of heart. Serenity now! Yet it seemed impossible to turn my thoughts and feelings around in the heat of the moment. Eventually I would calm down and apologize for the way I had spoken to Lisa and our kids, but the damage had already been done.

After so many visits from Crabby Dad, I realized that whatever I thought I was doing to address the problem wasn’t working. I felt stuck but wanted to change—to be a more caring, patient and gentle husband and father. God’s Spirit invites and empowers me to experience this reality, but I needed to respond. I thought of something St. Paul said: “1Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill [God’s] good purpose.” God was ready to work, but I would need to cooperate.

I decided to do an “experiment in truth” regarding Crabby Dad—an intentional process of applying spiritual formation principles to my current struggle. I worked through the following steps.

1. What’s not working? Where do I feel stuck? How do I want to change? I’m often crabby, irritable, impatient and angry with the people I care about most.

2. What are the patterns of choices that support the current behavior? At first Crabby Dad seemed to appear out of nowhere, but as I thought more about it, Crabby Dad was actually a result of a long series of decisions I’d made related to my thought patterns and bodily habits. Crabby Dad would show up when I was stressed out and overtired. Why was I so tired? I drank too many cups of coffee and ate too many sugary snacks, worked too many hours, neglected exercise, refused to take days off from work and stayed up too late watching movies, trying to relax.

3. What are the underlying scripts or thought patterns that support the current pattern of behavior? I had to consider the beliefs and thinking that drove my overwork and lack of self-care. Crabby Dad shows up because Mark Scandrette tends to act from the belief that his significance comes from what he achieves and how he distinguishes himself from others—from insecurities and false scripts about identity.

4. What is reality? What is the good vision of life God makes possible? My identity doesn’t need to be contingent on achievement and comparisons. I can learn to affirm and develop a true sense of identity based on who I am as a beloved child of God. I can learn to be a loving and patient husband and father through a source of love that is greater than my own.

5. How do I want to respond? What mind, body and relational practices could help me cooperate with the Spirit’s work in my life? I realized that if I didn’t want Crabby Dad to show up anymore, I’d need to change my patterns of thinking and doing. Crabby Dad was no accident. I had literally trained myself to be Crabby Dad. My lifestyle choices were perfectly designed to make him show up. Even if it was virtually impossible to control Crabby Dad once he showed up, I did have control over factors that determined whether he would show up in the first place. I could apply principles of spiritual formation to my problem.

2A spiritual discipline is something you can do that helps you do what you cannot by sheer effort or willpower. In the words of St. Paul, “I urge . . . in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—[God’s] good, pleasing and perfect will.”

6. What could I do differently in my mind and body to cooperate with God’s good will for me? I made a list of limits and new actions I could take to say yes to being a more loving and patient husband and father:

  • Limit my caffeine and sugar intake.

  • Limit the number of hours I work and take at least one day off each week.

  • Exercise four to five times a week.

  • Have a regular bedtime and get eight hours of sleep each night.

  • Develop a more secure sense of self based on being a beloved child of God by memorizing and meditating daily on Psalm 139.

I made a commitment to these changes in my work habits, diet, sleep and activity patterns and tried to adopt new ways of seeing and thinking about my identity. I’m happy to say that Crabby Dad hardly ever makes an appearance at our house anymore, which makes us all very glad.

Mark would be the first to tell you that his transformation was gradual, but it was dramatic enough that our kids noticed the difference, and it left a lasting impression: Dad is still growing and changing, and that means I can too. Hence Isaiah’s comment in this chapter’s opening story: “I think I need an experiment in truth.”

When we enlist the support of our family to grow, they become our biggest cheerleaders and allies. Mark’s story also illustrates an enduring principle about how change happens. We can train ourselves to think and act in new ways that are more accurate to the reality of how life works. This is why St. Paul once told his apprentice Timothy, “3Train yourself to be godly.”

Change involves recognizing the false narratives that drive destructive behaviors and trusting the authentic inner voice of reality that calls us beloved. Change also requires trying on new thinking, actions and bodily habits. Like a plant needs water to grow, healthy life practices help us tap into the source of life that allows us to thrive. This isn’t merely self-help or a self-improvement project; it’s an opportunity to respond to the vision of a life that’s possible because of God’s presence and the work of Christ, what Jesus described as the availability of the kingdom of God.

What we call an experiment in truth is actually an act of practical obedience, steps you are ready to take to surrender your will to the benevolent will of the Creator. Here’s one way we tried to explain this to our kids:

God reigns over all of creation and has good dreams for our lives. Each of us has been given a little bit of that kingdom to manage—your personal kingdom. Your mind is part of your personal kingdom. You get to decide what you’ll think about and how you’ll manage your feelings. Your body is part of your personal kingdom. You get to decide how you will move your body, what you will do with your arms and legs, what you will look at and how you will speak. Even your bedroom and toys are part of your personal kingdom. In that space you get to make most of the decisions about how your room is arranged and how neat or messy it’s kept. It’s a reflection of your power to rule and decide.

You can use your power to hurt or help, to heal or destroy—it’s your choice. What’s best for us is to learn to use the parts of ourselves to help and not hurt. St. Paul wrote to a group of people in Rome, saying, “4Do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to [God] as an instrument of righteousness.” Growing up is about learning to use your power to say yes to what is good.

In our family, we’re committed to helping each other grow and use our power to say yes to God’s good desires for our lives. One way we do this as parents is by sharing our growth goals and progress during our weekly family meetings. This gives us a regular venue to talk about our challenges in a compassionate and constructive way. When we can be honest and open with each other about our struggles, we’re less likely to try to fix the other person or be their conscience—because we know that we’re both committed to taking our next steps of growth.

When appropriate, we also share our growth goals and progress with our kids, model the process and help them know that we’re working on habits and behaviors that often impact them. (“I’m taking steps to be more trusting and less anxious.” Or “I’m working to have a more healthy relationship with food.”) The two of us also find it helpful to meet individually with a small group of friends we can check in with and, on occasion, to meet with a mentor, therapist or spiritual director to discuss particular places where we long for transformation.

imageREFLECTION: EXPLORE PERSONAL
GROWTH STEPS

One of the best things you can do for your family is to pursue growth and healing. Practicing steps of obedience, self-awareness and self-care can help you become a more present, caring and effective parent and spouse. Take some time to develop your own “experiment in truth” by identifying one area where you want to respond to the invitation to grow and change. Work through the steps below to develop a plan you are ready to commit to. Record this process in your notebook.

To experience growth and change, it helps to have the support of the people closest to us. Share your experiment in truth with your spouse or a trusted friend. Ask how you can support each other’s next steps.

STAGES AND GROWTH

It takes an apple tree three or four years to produce fruit. And growth comes in fits and starts. Sometimes we expect fruit in each other’s lives before it’s the right time. When Julia noticed that her four-year-old son wasn’t willing to share his toys, she was concerned that something might be wrong with his character. “I mean, he actually screamed when I asked him to share!” But after talking to a few other parents, she realized that sharing is an acquired developmental skill. She thought about what her son might realistically be expected to do right now. Then she came up with a plan. “I asked him which toys he was ready to share, and we put away the rest before his friend came over. No more tantrums. Yay!”

Every stage of life invites us to grow and change. You see this especially in the early years when a child learns to crawl and then to walk and talk. It’s a big deal to go from diapers to big-girl pants or from sleeping in a crib to a big-boy bed. Motor skills and physical growth are obvious, but just as important are the changes we go through in our brains. Contemporary research suggests that our brains aren’t fully developed until age twenty-five.

Psychologist Jean Piaget was the first to document the predictable stages of cognitive and moral development a human being goes through on the way to maturity. It’s helpful to have a basic understanding of these stages to appreciate the growth challenges we face along the way. From birth to two years old, we’re working on sensorimotor skills, and there isn’t a lot of conscious thought or memory. Around age two, we discover that we’re distinct from our parents, with our own will, and we learn to say no—sometimes very loudly. Soon after this, we start trying to piece together how the world works by asking, “Why?”

A teenager may go through a period of moodiness and withdrawal that’s consistent with normal changes in hormones and emerging adult cognitive functioning. Even adults face somewhat predictable developmental challenges that may include a midlife reevaluation, menopause, an empty nest, reflections on their legacy and gradual acceptance of physical decline.

We can learn to appreciate and interact sensitively to the developmental challenges each family member is facing. What’s appropriate at one stage may not be in another. A two-year-old screaming no is different than a seventeen-year-old doing so. A small child following the rules because he wants to be seen as a “good boy” is developmentally appropriate. But we would hope that an adult may choose to act from a more internalized sense of right and wrong as well as from a concern for the greater good.

Each stage of development has its own tasks and challenges. By being aware of what those are for all the members of your household, you can better support their growth and flourishing.

Personality is another factor that shapes the journey of growth. In our family, we’ve found it helpful to keep in mind that no two people are alike, recognizing that each personality has its gifts and growth edges. Tools like Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram can give you language to explore the uniqueness of each person.

In our family, three of us are extroverts, who get energy from being with people, and two of us are introverts, who get energy from being alone. This means we have different needs and expectations for social interaction.

You’ve probably noticed that people in your family are motivated by different things and challenged by distinct fears or insecurities. Maybe one person in your family struggles with anger and another with jealousy or perfectionism. The goal of exploring personality isn’t to label, judge or diagnose but to better understand how to interact with and support one another. By being aware of distinctive traits, you can celebrate each person’s uniqueness and more wisely invite and guide one another into growth. There’s a path for each of us to become who we were made to be, reflecting the image of God and the character of Christ.

We were made to bear fruit, but not all fruit is alike. Just as it wouldn’t be fair to compare pomegranates and tangerines, flourishing will look different for each person in your family. It’s natural to have hopes for your child or spouse, imagining who they will become and what your life together may look like. But our ideas and expectations may not fit the reality of who they are.

Maybe you love competitive sports, but your child would rather spend time in the theater or art studio. Or you thrived academically, but your child struggles in school. It’s important to keep our biases and desires in check when considering those closest to us—and this is especially true when a child has a developmental disability or a family member has mental or physical health challenges. If we expect fruit from people that they aren’t capable of producing, we can wind up discouraging them. We can learn to imagine what flourishing means in light of who they actually are, rather than who we hoped they would be.

Though it’s tempting to compare children with adults or to expect one person to be as mature or competent as another, we are each on our own timeline for growth.6What’s important is focusing on progress rather than specific outcomes. Instead of asking, “What do I want for my child or spouse?” it may be better to consider what fuller flourishing looks like for that person, given their gifts and limits. What new step are they ready to take right now?

ADDRESSING CHARACTER GROWTH
WITH CHILDREN

“It’s not fair! He always gets to do fun things, and I never do!” Isabelle exclaimed. She had just found out that her brother, Jack, had been invited to a movie by a friend. Seeing how upset his sister was, Jack tried to contain his excitement, but he couldn’t help beaming.

“Stop smiling,” Isabelle growled, “You’re just doing that to annoy me! Mom! Tell Jack to quit smiling!”

It was time for a parent to step in to diffuse the situation. Was this an issue of cognitive development or an opportunity for character growth—or both? Isabelle often erupted with jealousy and anger when something good happened to her brother. She tended to make comparisons and had a difficult time valuing the good in her own life. She needed her mom’s help and guidance to process her thoughts and feelings more constructively. “Isabelle, is it really true that you never get invited to do fun things? What about when Rebecca’s family took you to see the Lion King musical last week? Good things come to you and your brother. You can choose to remember the good things in your life and celebrate your brother’s good fortune.”

It takes a long time to learn how to be a human being—to be fruitful and live well in the good lives we’ve been given. As adults we are still in the process of becoming, facing challenges and struggles as we learn to deal with the frustrations, disappointments and stresses of life. We’re privileged to walk alongside our kids and coach them through this process, helping them identify growth edges. You can gently help your child see when they’re acting from scripts that aren’t true and behaviors that aren’t working. You can help them cultivate tools for experiencing growth and transformation.

One child in our family struggled with being honest and truthful as a gradeschooler. Whenever this child lied, we would say, “Hey, you lied to me. This is something you don’t want to keep doing, because it makes it hard for people to trust you.” The message was that lying is a choice that doesn’t work, not that the child was a liar. We took time to explore why this child felt the need to lie and what some alternative solutions might be. Gradually the child learned to make better choices, and now we have confidence that this person—now an adult—is trustworthy.

Sometimes we encounter each other’s growth edges so regularly that we come to expect them, each of us playing particular family roles—the funny one, the one who’s easily angered, the bossy one, the greedy one, the sneaky one. While these roles and reputations may develop out of true characteristics, it can be harmful when we define each other by them. We have the opportunity to think and talk about each other more flexibly, celebrating change and recognizing growth.

PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD

When we’re in a wilderness area, we often remind each other to be on alert and keep watch for rattlesnakes, scorpions and black widow spiders. It’s also a painful surprise to walk too close to a cholla cactus and its two-inch needles. We don’t mention these dangers to scare anybody or because we’re afraid; they are just facts that the members of our family need to be aware of to stay safe and alive.

This is true of life in general. Part of human development is learning to navigate the complexity of the world we live in, which mirrors the complexities within ourselves. Our planet is an amazing place of beauty and mystery, and as families we’re privileged to marvel in and explore these wonders together. But we also live in a world of brokenness, pain and injustices that stem from the human condition and our collective actions.

Your family can learn to respond to the complexity of the world with critical awareness and compassion. As parents, it may be our instinct to shield our children for as long as possible from the harsher realities of life. But an awareness of complexity comes, and it’s best for your child not to be surprised. By providing good information and being willing to engage topics, you can prepare your children to be wise as serpents and as innocent as doves—and you’re far more qualified to guide them in this process than one of their peers on the playground.

Many parents wonder when it’s time to “have the talk” about topics like sexuality, violence, race and death, and they wonder what the “right thing” to say is. It’s probably best to think about these as ongoing conversations about life in the real world. Some topics come up because of what your child hears on the news, sees in a movie or encounters at school or in your neighborhood. Others come up because of an event that impacts them: “What happened to Grandma, and why is she lying so still in that box?” Or “Why is that man sleeping on the sidewalk instead of in his house?” There may also be important topics that your kids are unlikely to bring up.

We’ve tried to initiate table conversations about whatever our kids were becoming aware of or were soon to encounter. For instance, when they were near kindergarten age, we said, “So, you’re probably going to hear people in your class saying words you don’t hear us use in our house. Let me tell you what those words are, what they mean and why we use them sparingly.” When they were in middle school, we started talking about drug and alcohol use. “Your brain is still growing, and alcohol is particularly harmful to people your age. If you choose to drink when you’re older, here are some tips on how to do it responsibly.” Or “Here are a few reasons why we recommend you don’t use marijuana if someone offers it to you.” In general, we’ve wanted our kids to know that Mom and Dad live in the real world, know what’s going on and can be sage guides to living well amid the complexities of life.

We’ve tried to talk honestly and openly at their level of comprehension, not telling them what to think but teaching them how to think critically and compassionately. There are moral and ethical issues we do feel strongly about, and we haven’t shied away from sharing those convictions with our kids. But we share the reasons why we hold those positions, and we try to represent the alternatives fairly, acknowledging that they’ll need to make their own reasoned decisions. Here are some tips for having important real-world conversations:

Our kids weren’t always excited to talk about certain topics—especially sex—but we would say, “This is too important not to talk about, so hang in there.” If a topic came up that felt uncomfortable, to lighten the mood, one of the kids would say, “Awkward turtle,” and gesture with their hands to show a turtle flipped over on its back and struggling to turn over and escape. Bursting into a smile, the other kids would repeat it. Then we’d keep talking.

We’ve noticed that many families have a difficult time talking about sexuality. Beginning when your kids are young, it’s important to talk about safe boundaries around their bodies. A surprising number of children will be introduced to sexuality before they’re ready and without their consent. We would like to think that this won’t happen in our families, but it’s more prevalent than one may think.7It’s estimated that one in three girls and one in five boys are sexually abused before the age of eighteen. Most of these instances occur with people the child already knows.

You can be proactive about training and protecting your child. In the unfortunate event that this does occur, having safety conversations ahead of time can provide your child with a healthy framework for processing the experience and seeking your help. Basic guidance about boundaries can be communicated even to very small children. Here are a few suggested talking points to include in your conversations:

As they approach puberty, you want to make sure they have an adequate understanding of the changes that will happen in their body. During adolescence a person begins to decide how they will view and use their sexuality. Having regular and ongoing conversations about sexuality can help prepare your child to make wise and healthy choices. What do you want to teach your child to guide them in their decisions about how they navigate their sexuality? Here are some questions to consider about your own sexual journey and what you may want to convey to your child:

Whether we’re talking about sexuality or another difficult topic, the message we want our kids to hear and embrace is this: “Let’s live in the real world together. We don’t need to be afraid. Whatever is good, we’ll celebrate and be grateful for. Whatever is harmful or hurtful, let’s try to avoid. Wherever we see injustice and suffering, let’s allow our hearts to be broken, pray for kingdom come and seek to be a healing presence.”

RITES OF PASSAGE

On a cold and clear April evening, six men and three boys wandered into the woods to honor a rite of passage for our son Noah. Together they collected sticks, built a fire and roasted sausages. As the sun set and darkness fell over a eucalyptus grove, they gathered around the glow of a fire. “We are here tonight to observe the beginning of Noah’s journey from boyhood to manhood,” Mark announced.

One by one, the men began to speak—first Mark, then Noah’s grandfather and then other men in Noah’s life whom he felt known and loved by. Some told stories about the excitement and awkwardness of their adolescence. Each man shared affirmations, encouragement and wisdom about becoming a man.

At the end of the evening, each person was invited to lay a hand on Noah’s shoulder and speak a prayer or blessing over his life. Several of the men became emotional as they reflected on the beauty of the ceremony and the void of such a milestone marker and close relationships in their own lives.

When each of our kids reached the age of thirteen, we invited significant adults to help us mark the beginning of their journey to adulthood. Special foods were prepared, and each adult was asked to bring a symbolic gift or some words of wisdom to share. For her rite of passage, Hailey was given a tea party. Women who were invested in her life spoke affirmations and shared advice from their experiences. Afterward Hailey was presented with a book of their letters, which she treasured throughout her teen years.

Human societies have always found ways to honor the predictable stages in human development, marking significant milestones with a celebration or rite-of-passage ritual. Some rites of passage are rooted in a particular religious or cultural tradition, like baptism, first Communion, confirmation, quinceañera, bar and bat mitzvahs and wedding ceremonies. Others, like a driver’s license, smoking and drinking ages, high school graduation and military registration are more civic and legal. And some passages are more personal, like parents deciding at what age their children can watch a certain movie, go to sleep-away camp, get their ears pierced or start dating.

In our modern and mobile society, which tends to be less rooted in long-term relationships, we’ve lost touch with initiation processes that have helped people journey toward adulthood for thousands of years. What are the small or large milestones you want to mark as a family? Are there particular traditions you’d like to create or celebrate?

GROWTH AS A LIFELONG PROCESS,
BY HAILEY JOY SCANDRETTE

Growth is hard. As I’ve grown up, that has become abundantly clear to me. Being conscious of your personal development and striving to work toward becoming the best version of yourself is challenging and can be incredibly uncomfortable and scary. Despite growing up in a family where personal development was openly discussed and seen as a positive process, I still find myself fighting against the belief that the reason I need to grow is because I’m not good enough. I have to remind myself that this is a lie. Growth isn’t important because we’re flawed and unworthy; it’s important because it’s a part of life. Not only that, growth can be empowering, revitalizing and reenergizing.

Starting when my siblings and I were very young, our parents took a very intentional approach to how they discussed personal growth with us. They helped us to recognize the false beliefs that made us act out of jealousy, anger or fear, and they helped us to realign our behavior with the kind of person we wanted to be, as we were made in God’s image. They supported our projects, interests and goals, which empowered us to see ourselves as capable of affecting positive change.

By providing us with strategies for personal development, emphasizing the importance of living with intention and creating a home environment where growth was encouraged and expected, our parents taught us that becoming your best self is a lifelong project. Now many of those tools and strategies are second nature to me. I have protocol in place that kicks in when I need to address conflict, calm myself down or make decisions, or when I find myself in new and challenging situations. I feel equipped with ways of thinking that allow me to make choices I will feel good about and to spot growth opportunities as they arise.

That’s not to say that I do this perfectly. But it’s helpful to feel like I’m not making it up as I go along. I have direction in my personal development, even when I’m in transitional life phases and feel surrounded by uncertainties. While it doesn’t ensure that I always make good choices, the framework for growth that my parents gave me is incredibly valuable and grounding.