8

A Thriving Family
Supports Productivity

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FOR YEARS OUR FAMILY LOOKED FORWARD to attending Maker Faire each spring, billed as “The Greatest Show (and Tell) on Earth—a festival of invention, creativity, resourcefulness, and a celebration of the Maker movement.” Imagine an event that brings together robot builders, knitters and wool spinners, 3D printing inventors, steampunk musicians and food fermentors displaying sauerkraut and edible algae. The common denominator among these diverse participants is a commitment to discovery and to making things in a DIY (do-it-yourself) fashion.

At Maker Faire, there’s something for everyone in our family to enjoy. Lisa spends time in the craft tent. Mark hangs out with the home coffee roasters. Hailey hunts for fashion treasures at the clothing Swap-O-Rama-Rama. Isaiah explores the digital music laboratory, and Noah investigates the Van De Graaff generator. At the end of the day, we come back together for the festival finale, when thousands of Mentos candies are dropped into two-liter soda bottles, spraying soda hundreds of feet in the air and onto the crowd.

Every time we participate in Maker Faire, we come away feeling inspired to do more for ourselves, to repurpose what we have or to make something new. We get a glimpse into the work that human beings are made to do: to tend and preserve, build and create and seek solutions to our greatest problems.1

“God created human beings;

[creating] them godlike,

Reflecting God’s nature. . . .

God blessed them:

“Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge!

Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air,

for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth.”

We human beings haven’t always chosen to steward our creative powers responsibly. At times we use our power to dominate rather than caretake, acting less like makers and more like takers or destroyers. Nevertheless it’s our nature and destiny to shape the world by our choices.2We’re learning to be good stewards of all that has been entrusted to us, using our power, imagination, work and creativity to heal and help—joining in the good work the Creator has prepared us to do. “To be of use in the world” is a phrase favored3in our family to describe this invitation, and it’s an invitation to all of us, both children and parents. A thriving family celebrates each person’s uniqueness and supports the development of skills and capacities to serve others and pursue the greater good. In this chapter, we’ll explore ways your family can productively participate in the work of the world.

OUR WORK IN THE WORLD

From an early age, we begin to look for ways to be a part of the work of the world. The two-year-old exclaims, “I want to do it myself!” We start in small ways, trying to button a shirt or pour our own bowl of cereal. We explore the work of the world through play, by pretending to be a doctor, teacher, firefighter, veterinarian, mommy, daddy or astronaut. Sometimes what we play or pretend becomes the real work we do as adults.

In childhood we begin to understand that we have the power to heal or destroy through the work of our hands. A little bird falls to the ground, and we want to protect it. A bowl breaks, and we want to fix it. These are early steps to discovering what is ours to tend, create, heal and protect.

We humans didn’t create this world, but we have made something of it through our efforts. We build dwellings, roads and cities from the raw materials of wood, clay, stone and steel. We combine ingredients into a myriad of tasty food combinations. We sing songs, tell stories and make pictures. We clothe ourselves, not just for warmth but also for expression. We search for the best ways to manage our relationships and resources through law and governance. We create machines and make technical discoveries that have the potential to make our lives easier, better or more complicated. All this and more is the work of the world that we’re invited to join.

We don’t start our work in the world from nothing. Imagine how different our lives would be if every generation had to rediscover fire or electricity and which plants are poisonous or safe to eat. We’ve inherited a body of knowledge about how the world works and the systems and structures already in place. Part of the work of families is to pass on the collective wisdom, skills and knowledge of previous generations. And each generation has its own work to do—tending, creating, healing and protecting. Work allows us to live up to what we were created for: to exercise our capabilities as powerful and intelligent beings who care for and live in harmony with the rest of creation. We want purposeful things to do, and we want our time to matter. What is the important work this moment invites us into?

WORK AND COMING TO AGREEMENTS
ABOUT TASKS

Work is essential to our survival and flourishing. In a family, a substantial number of tasks need to get done just to take care of the business of life: acquiring and preparing food, cleaning and maintaining a living space, managing household finances, scheduling doctor appointments, taking the dog to the vet—and the list goes on. Sometimes it can feel like these tasks get in the way of what’s meaningful. Yet these details are integral and essential to our survival and flourishing, and they help us create a hospitable and nurturing environment for one another.

In our culture we have a tendency to see work and life as separate and to value paid and unpaid work differently. But common work can be a deeply meaningful way for families to connect and share life. One of Mark’s fondest memories is of his whole family working together to clean up the debris from a roofing project. “For a grade-school kid, it was exciting to feel useful and part of something bigger—to work hard and then celebrate and relax together.” Cooking, cleaning, shopping, chores, building or making repairs are great ways for parents and kids to spend time together doing real-world activities.

Work helps us develop self-confidence and builds capacity. When children do something for themselves or to serve others, their sense of accomplishment is almost palpable. Kids thrive on being challenged and are far more capable of learning and working than our culture often gives them credit for.

Building capacity is the process of transferring skills and knowledge from one person to another. You’re probably familiar with the simple way this process works.

Building capacity in your kids takes time and patience. It’s not always efficient to have small people helping, and tasks take more time, but in the long run it’s worth the effort. Sometimes as parents we may continue to do things for our children after they’re able to do them independently—perhaps because helping makes us feel needed or connected or because we’re scared to see them fail. But they need these opportunities to develop confidence and a greater sense of responsibility. Making them appropriately responsible for basic tasks is a tangible way of communicating “You can do it,” and “I believe in you.”

As our kids grew, we considered when they would be able to take on more responsibility. If we took the time to teach a task, they eventually built the capacity to do it for themselves. Contributing to the work of the family brought them pride and empowerment, and it prepared them to become self-sufficient and responsible adults. Beginning when they were quite young, they were able to help with picking up their toys, making their beds, setting and wiping off the table, emptying trashcans, cooking and running little errands to help a parent. As they grew, they learned to cook for themselves, wash their own dishes and clothes, clean the kitchen and bathroom, and pitch in with home repairs. Now they can paint a room, fix a toilet, build a wall and do tile work. Everyone can cook, and we love making meals together, especially homemade pizza. Lisa mixes the dough, Isaiah chops and browns the onions, Noah rolls out the crusts, and Mark and Hailey put the toppings on before they go into the oven.

In a family meeting that includes the kids, we look at the specific tasks that need to be done in our household and divide them between the five of us. Who has the time, interest and skills to do what needs to be done? Lisa manages our family healthcare, car and appliance repairs, tracks our spending, and shops for groceries. Mark cuts hair, does home repairs, prepares our taxes and directs the work of the organization that provides our income. All of us do some cooking, cleaning and yard work, and each of the kids has weekly chores.

imageFAMILY MEETING: COMING TO AGREEMENTS ABOUT HOUSEHOLD TASKS

You get to decide how you run your household. It doesn’t have to look like your mother’s kitchen or your father’s car or your neighbor’s yard. If everyone in your family is comfortable with a little mess, that’s okay. If you like things neat and clean, great. But it’s not likely that everyone in your family puts the same significance on each chore or has the same preferences for how your space is kept. That’s why it’s important to have open conversations about how work gets done, making sure tasks are distributed among family members.

You’ll want to negotiate and come to conscious compromises where there are differences. Some families, for instance, make an agreement about how common areas are kept, but all family members get to decide how neat they keep their own bedroom or other private space. Or, even if it’s not your preference, you may agree to make the bed because it would please your spouse.

Take some time to talk through your agreements about household chores, to discuss compromises and to explore ways you want to empower and build capacity in your kids. First, brainstorm a list of things that need to get done to maintain your household. Then work through the list and identify the person(s) in your family who will take responsibility for these jobs and when the job will be done. (Many families find it helpful to have certain slots of time during the week or month for these jobs.) Here’s a list to get you started:

Job

Who?

When?

Cooking

___________

__________

Washing dishes

___________

__________

Washing clothes

___________

__________

Cleaning the bathroom

___________

__________

Cleaning the kitchen

___________

__________

Cleaning other common rooms

___________

__________

Cleaning bedrooms

___________

__________

Taking out trash, recycling and compost

___________

__________

Yard work

___________

__________

Gardening

___________

__________

Caring for pets

___________

__________

Grocery shopping

___________

__________

Home maintenance and repairs

___________

__________

Vehicle maintenance and repairs

___________

__________

Shopping for groceries

___________

__________

Shopping for clothes

___________

__________

Arranging haircuts and other errands

___________

__________

Shopping for home furnishings and appliances

___________

__________

Managing finances and paying bills

___________

__________

Preparing taxes

___________

__________

Managing healthcare (insurance, doctor visits)

___________

__________

Coordinating kids’ school and activities

___________

__________

Transporting family members to activities

___________

__________

Helping kids with school work

___________

__________

Managing the family calendar

___________

__________

Planning celebrations and shopping for gifts

___________

__________

Planning vacations

___________

__________

Generating income

___________

__________

Other

___________

__________

Other

___________

__________

Other

___________

__________

Other

___________

__________

Other

___________

__________

Discuss the following questions:

Consider how you want to empower your kids and build their capacity.

WORK AND VOCATION

There’s basic work that we each have to do to care for ourselves and our loved ones, and then there is more specific work that we are called into by our individual passions and talents. Part of thriving as a person is the lifelong process of discerning how to bring your unique gifts to the world or how to discover your vocation. In a previous chapter, we explored how personality is a shaping factor in development and character growth. Here we suggest that paying attention to your children’s personality can help you guide them toward the good work they were made to do.

You can become a student of your children, learning to affirm their gifts, encourage their passions and provide them with resources and opportunities that will help them discover how they were made to be of use in the world. Notice how they interact with others and whether they observe first or jump right in to new situations. Pay attention to what motivates them and when they seem most alive. Think about what interests them and what they’re good at.

Over time, common threads may provide clues about the work they’re uniquely suited to do. How can their natural abilities and cultivated talents bless others and bring good to the world? You can affirm the possibilities you see in each person.

When most children begin talking, they start with words like mama or dada. Strangely, one of our son Noah’s earliest words was actually, which tells you a lot about his personality. He has always been interested in understanding how things work and knowing how to do things properly—and he wants to tell you what and why. When he was three, while sitting in the kitchen in our 1890s Victorian, he looked at the ceiling and floor and matter-of-factly said, “Mama, our house is crooked.” When he was four, he decided to teach himself to ride a bicycle. He peddled and crashed until he could, learning in one day without ever using training wheels. He was never very interested in toys. For his sixth birthday, he asked for woodworking tools and a toolbox so he could build himself a desk. His hobby in middle school was photographing birds, and he documented 150 species using a camera he worked and saved for himself.

Noah has been and continues to be an investigator, builder and tenacious problem solver. Throughout his life, we’ve looked for ways to affirm, resource and support his interests and passions. When he was fifteen, he had the opportunity to begin working as an explainer at the Exploratorium, one of the world’s best hands-on science museums. For three years he spent time each week dissecting cow eyeballs and doing science demonstrations for museum visitors. This gave him the chance to interact regularly with scientists, and he was even asked to help develop a new museum exhibit. Through these experiences, he found out that he loves to discover the logic of the universe and share his discoveries with others. He now works as a physics and math tutor at the university he attends. As he pursues his physics degree, he’s exploring where he may direct his research to help solve the critical problems facing our world today.

As you study and come to know your child, you can begin to provide resources to help them grow and develop. Actively involve yourself in their education, both in and out of the classroom. Think about how they learn, and support who they are. Offer further opportunities in their areas of strength and interest. Expose them to a broad variety of people. Introduce them to needs, and suggest ways to make a difference. Protect space in their schedule to pursue their own projects and interests.

You can use birthday and holiday gifts to support your child’s passions. We knew Isaiah was internalizing our orientation to vocation when he told us, “I don’t think I want any toys this year for Christmas. I need drawing pens and paper to help me discover how I am to be of use in the world—because I think I want to become a comic book artist.”

A lot of families feel pressure to enroll their kids in as many activities as possible: sports, dance and music lessons, clubs and other commitments in addition to school. Many parents believe these experiences are necessary for their child to qualify for the right colleges. However, resourcing our kids isn’t the same as overscheduling. One parent had this insight: “With four kids in our family, it doesn’t take many interests for our budget and the calendar to explode. I’m starting to wonder if we have filled the schedule with activities but not with things that actually build into each child’s unique interests and gifts.” You can judiciously select extracurricular activities that fit specific interests and have clear benefits for your child.

We discover our work in the world through participation in real-life experiences. As a culture, we’re just beginning to realize that our longstanding educational emphasis on standardized tests, rote memory and information is backfiring, because when not paired with life experiences, these methods don’t prepare us for the real world.4Only 50 percent of college students end up in the career they studied. That’s an expensive way to figure out what you aren’t interested in! One of the most effective means of discovering vocation is through real-life and work experiences, which can begin in middle school and high school through internships, mentorships, volunteer projects and paid employment. These experiences can either confirm interest or redirect. Isaiah thought he’d like to work with computers. During his junior year in high school, he had a chance to do a month-long mentorship at a local tech startup. Everyone at the company loved Isaiah, but through that experience he discovered that he’s more oriented to people than machines.

Because paid work often takes a parent away from the family, many children grow up with only a vague sense of what their parents do. It’s good for children to see their parents as competent, multidimensional and connected to the larger work of the world. Observing you at work can help them feel proud of what you do and to begin to imagine the work they may do someday. Are there opportunities for your kids to see you in your professional capacity?

We introduced our kids to the teams and people we work with and invited them to sit in on meetings and events. When possible, we took them along on work trips where they could see Mom and Dad in action. Our kids have had the opportunity to join us in what Hailey calls “the family business,” helping host or set up for programs and even cofacilitating learning experiences. We also have a rental unit that everyone has helped repair and remodel.

SUPPORTING EACH OTHER’S PROJECTS

Helping family members use their gifts often requires the resources and support of the whole family. When Kate and Ryan decided that Kate should go back to school to get her degree in midwifery, they knew it would have an impact on everyone in the family. Ryan would have to take more responsibility for cooking and the care of their three children, and the kids would have to adjust to less time with Mom. Ryan says, “These three years haven’t been easy, and we’ve all had to count the cost, but we try to keep in mind that this is something that Kate was made to do, and we want to support her in that.”

When the resources and support of the whole family are critical to the success of individual projects, it can help to anticipate and talk about the costs ahead of time. In grade school, Hailey took acting lessons, loved performing and was invited to act in a movie that eventually screened at the Cannes International Film Festival. Her participation would require missed school and home chores, adjusted meal schedules, time transporting her to various locations and some late-night film shoots. Together we talked about these factors, and all got on board to help make her dream a reality.

We went through a similar process when Mark was invited to write his first book. The kids were aware that during the project there would be longer days for Dad, occasional writing retreats and less family time until the book was completed. During the process, Mark read portions of the chapters he was writing at the dinner table, and we celebrated lavishly together when it was eventually published. By involving the whole family in these projects, we were all invested in their success.

THE WORLD’S GREATEST NEEDS

Frederick Buechner suggests that vocation is “the place where5your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” How can your energy, work and talents be leveraged to address the greatest needs and opportunities of our time? Families can help each other grow in awareness about the world’s needs and support each other in engaging these needs with compassion. Here are some ways to cultivate awareness to engage the world’s greatest needs.

Pay attention to struggles in your immediate surroundings. In the circle of your family, friends and neighbors, there are likely people who are fighting cancer, wrestling with addiction or mental health issues, or recovering from childhood trauma. It’s likely that people near you are navigating the complexities of gender and sexual orientation or facing the challenges of being an undocumented immigrant.

Today there are few places you can go without encountering homelessness, violence and the divide of race and income inequality. Watch what your kids pick up on, engage their questions and affirm their concerns. When Isaiah was in preschool, he was particularly sensitive to the prevalence of garbage on the streets of our neighborhood. So Mark took him on walks around the block, greeting neighbors and picking up trash. What aches do you see in your extended families, in your close relationships or in your neighborhood and city?

Learn about global issues, needs and struggles. Daily news reports provide a lot for families to talk about and explore. And there may be historic, societal and global struggles you feel are important to investigate as a family, like global poverty, natural disasters, terrorism or modern slavery and other human rights violations. Books, movies and documentaries are a great way to deepen your understanding of these global concerns. You may want to say, as we often have, “We’re watching this movie, not because it’s going to be fun or entertaining, but because we think it’s important to know about the reality of this situation. Afterward we’d like to discuss what we’ve watched.” Follow-up discussions have helped our kids make connections between the struggle we’ve investigated and interests they have.

Seek places to engage. Look for ways to have firsthand experiences with the aches and struggles of our world. We tend to be around people most like ourselves, which can prevent us from being aware of the beauty and struggles in other communities. You can start by visiting a grocery store, restaurant or park in a neighborhood with a population that is less familiar to you. You may also look for places where your family can connect with a particular at-risk community, like a shelter or nursing home.

Some families can afford to travel internationally, but there are many opportunities to cross boundaries closer to home. Our friend Pam lives in London, and when she found out about efforts to resettle Syrian refugee families in their neighborhood, she invited her thirteen-year-old son, Jessie, to come along with her to the organizing meeting. It’s most respectful to see these as opportunities to learn and join in rather than to fix.

Here are a few tips on ways to engage and serve as a family:

Find creative ways to support and serve. Kelley, a parent to two grade-school children, explains their family’s approach to this:

We’ve tried to teach our kids that justice is about equity, about economic justice, about everyone having enough to live a viable life. We know kids in Burundi who don’t have enough—not enough nutritious food, clean water, access to medicine or even school. Our family actually has more than enough, so our job is to share so that more people will also have enough, and we can all live viable lives. One day my second-grade son walked down the hall with an extra-bulky backpack. Upon investigation I learned it was stuffed with toys. “You can’t take toys to school, son,” I said. “But Mom, my friend doesn’t have enough toys! I want to share my more-than-enough with him.” Well, I could only bless him and his generous, justice-minded heart!

When kids find out about the struggles and challenges in our world, they naturally want to help. Here are a few simple ways to serve and support:

RESPONDING TO THE INVITATION OF THE MOMENT

When our kids were younger, they often helped us welcome vulnerable friends into our home, joined us in serving at a local shelter and food pantry, and helped us put on awareness and fundraising events for concerns like human trafficking that we were passionate about. As they entered their teen years, we began to see the tables turn. Gradually they were leading out with contacts and ideas, and we took more of a supportive role, coaching them as they cared for friends in crisis or took up causes of their own.

After a devastating earthquake in Japan when Hailey was seventeen, she decided to organize a benefit event. She rented out a space, recruited people from her theater troupe to perform and planned a program and publicity. It was her event, but everyone in our family chipped in to set up the space. Lisa helped with food. Isaiah played his violin. Noah made cookies and set up the sound system. Mark performed a poem and took tickets at the door. As a result, Hailey raised a thousand dollars in aid.

Our kids are now guiding us into awareness and engagement. On the night the verdict in a nationally televised race-related police brutality case was announced, we were having dinner while news helicopters hovered over our neighborhood in anticipation of protests. Mark commented that all the posting about the verdict on social media seemed sort of patronizing—an example of “slacktivism.” Hailey quickly challenged him, saying, “6Yes, Papa, but aren’t we called to be a voice for the voiceless, to defend the cause of the poor and needy? If we’re silent, who will defend the cause of those who are being treated unjustly?”

Mark is usually the one making dinner speeches in our house, so Hailey’s impassioned words got his attention. “Maybe you’re right,” he said. “So let’s join the cries and prayers of our neighbors. If we leave now, we can make it to the rally.”

We left our dishes on the table and walked out the door into the night. Marchers were just gathering at the Twenty-Fourth Street subway plaza, and we joined their call and response:

“Hands up!”

“Don’t shoot!”

“What do we want?”

“Justice!”

“When do we want it?”

“Now!”

The hurt, anger and pain were palpable, visible in the hundreds of faces in the crowd. A young African American man made an impassioned speech, pleading for changes in a system that claims too many lives. He spoke with hope about a different and better future for us all. That night was the beginning of our family’s involvement in vigils, rallies and petitions to end the race-related violence that persists in our neighborhood.

VOCATION, BY HAILEY JOY SCANDRETTE

I’ve always admired how my parents have been intentional and passionate about doing what they were made to do. As a child, I witnessed my parents doing their best to listen to what they were being called to do, and then doing it, taking risks and making commitments—like moving from Northern Minnesota to San Francisco before we’d found housing, starting a nonprofit, fundraising, living simply with three little kids to feed and making time to educate us at home.

My parents always talked to us about what they felt called to. My dad told stories about knowing, at age twelve or thirteen, that he was meant to be a leader and to help others live more fully into the reality of God’s kingdom. My mom would assure us that making time to educate us reflected the passion she held for both education and family.

Mama and Papa also encouraged us to listen for our own callings. When they saw us drawn to something, they’d ask us about it, commenting that they could imagine us living out our purpose through that passion. This trained me to notice what made me feel most alive and in touch with God and the world around me.

I knew from a very early age that I wanted to work with people, helping, leading and healing. Sometimes I worried that my interest in theater or writing wasn’t doing enough to help or heal, but my parents encouraged me that, in doing whatever I was created to do, I would find ways to bring love to people. Their encouragement was underlined by their actions, as I watched them using their gifts to serve.

Having this modeled for me from such a young age has been incredibly valuable. It empowered me to choose a college major I’m passionate about, rather than one that will be potentially lucrative, and I feel supported in that choice. I hear many of my peers say things like “I just want to work a job I like and to make enough money to live.” But to me, following my vocational path is so much more than finding a job I like; it’s answering the call to seek meaning and greater wholeness through the work I do, doing my part to bring the love and light of the Creator into the world.