What Kids Need Most in a Mom

As I mentioned earlier, half of the mothers in this country are employed outside the home.

There’s been a great deal of controversy over the last few decades about the “working mother.” On one extreme we see “liberated” women (usually from the recruiting department of the Super Mom Corps) urging moms to find themselves by leaving the home and getting a job where they can work for money. In the workforce, they say, moms can be appreciated, gain social status, and be able to talk about something other than babies and the latest recipe for broiled prunes at parties.

On the other side we have some religious groups telling moms to return to “traditional family values and get back home where they belong.” While the women who work away from home are not exactly shunned, ambivalent feelings hang suspended in an aura of disapproval. Women who work outside the home are somehow less desirable than the traditional stay-at-home mom. “Work if you must,” traditionalists say, “but it is, of course, better to stay home and concentrate on rearing your family.”

One might get the idea that working at a job outside the home is sinful. What a guilt trip to lay on moms who are already loaded down. If you’ve been carrying around an extra burden of guilt because you’ve been told you should be home with your kids, I’ve got news for you. The stay-at-home, “traditional” mother is a product of our environment—not a commandment from God.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the idea of moms being able to stay home. It’s just that in this day, when so many mothers are working, we shouldn’t keep trying to hold fast to that dream and call it a Christian principle.

Maybe you’re thinking this doesn’t happen anymore. After all, haven’t we come out of the Dark Ages? Yet who gets blamed when a kid turns rebellious? And who gets the finger pointed at her for causing the breakdown of the family? If Mom is working, she often ends up the accused. I’ve even heard some “experts” come on pretty strong against moms who work outside the home.

One radio pastor even went so far as to call moms who work outside the home “non-mothers.”

My good friend Jennifer divorced her husband after enduring years of verbal and physical abuse to herself and her kids. With four children and an ex-husband who contributes child support when he feels like it, she had to find a job.

Her children understand that in order for them to survive, Mom must work. They support her and help her by accepting the inevitable. They are a family pulling together because they have to.

Are we non-mothers simply because we must work outside the home? Are we selfish and materialistic because we want our children to have a place to live and food to fill their tummies? Is it somehow less spiritual or out of God’s will to pursue a career outside of the home?

If we were to take this too seriously, we would all end up guilt-ridden zombies. I can’t for one minute believe that I’ve been living in sin because I messed up by being a working mom.

Some moms have no choice but to work. If all the women who were divorced or widowed stayed home, most of them would starve to death or end up bankrupting the welfare program. Nice as it would be to have others take care of you, it is hardly realistic.

She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She buys imported foods, brought by ship from distant ports. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household, and plans the day’s work for her servant girls. She goes out to inspect a field, and buys it; with her own hands she plants a vineyard. She is energetic, a hard worker, and watches for bargains. She works far into the night!

She sews for the poor, and generously gives to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for she has made warm clothes for all of them. She also upholsters with finest tapestry; her own clothing is beautifully made—a purple gown of pure linen. Her husband is well known, for he sits in the council chamber with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments to sell to the merchants.

She is a woman of strength and dignity, and has no fear of old age. When she speaks, her words are wise, and kindness is the rule for everything she says. She watches carefully all that goes on throughout her household, and is never lazy. Her children stand and bless her; so does her husband. He praises her with these words: “There are many fine women in the world, but you are the best of them all!”

Charm can be deceptive and beauty doesn’t last, but a woman who fears and reverences God shall be greatly praised. Praise her for the many fine things she does. These good deeds of hers shall bring her honor and recognition from even the leaders of the nations.

Proverbs 31:13–31 TLB

What you have just read is the classic picture of a working mother. Since I don’t like using so many “shes,” let’s give our lady a name. How about Vera (meaning “strong in virtue”)?

Vera, as you may have guessed, was not a stay-at-home mom in the traditional sense.

Who saw to the needs of her children? She did, apparently, because they called her blessed (remind you of Mother’s Day?). But you’ll notice Vera didn’t see to all the needs of the household alone. She delegated. Who do you think cared for the children while she was out inspecting and buying land, planting a vineyard, and running her garment factory?

You’ve got it—the proverbial babysitter, who was then a slave or a handmaiden.

Vera had all sorts of interests outside the home. Yet she was still able to mother her children.

I learn from this that there are many more important things children need in a mother besides simply being available at all hours of the day or night to meet their every need and demand.

Can working fathers make good dads? I’ll let you think about that one for a while. And as you ponder the point, here is an interesting thought about children of working moms.

The Working Mother in America was a comprehensive study regarding maternal employment. Authors concluded that children whose mothers worked outside the home did not suffer maternal deprivation. Nor did they suffer in their growth and development. Actually, these children were found to be more independent and self-sufficient than those whose mothers stayed home.[1]

On the other hand, we have evidence from psychologists and sociologists who maintain that in the earlier years children do better with consistency and a secure home environment. It is obviously more difficult for the working mother to provide as much consistency and security as a stay-at-home mom, since she’s actually working two jobs—but it is not impossible.

This book isn’t meant to sway you one way or another. Mothers who work away from home are not necessarily going to be rearing juvenile delinquents any more than the stay-at-home moms will be rearing saints.

But there are ways for both types to be the kind of mom their kids need. One of the most important factors for mothers employed outside the home is attitude.

As a young mother, I believed I should be a stay-at-home mom. My husband and our bank account had other ideas. I had to enter the world of working mothers even though everything in me screamed against it. I felt jealous, bitter, resentful, and angry with my husband, God, and life as a whole, because I was forced to leave partial care of my children in someone else’s hands. Finances trapped me into the role of a working mom and I hated it.

It hurt to think that I wasn’t indispensable and that I could be even partially replaced, especially in the role of mother. I liked to think that motherhood was the one area where I was truly needed.

It took a while for me to realize the futility of my negative thinking. Unfortunately, friends piled more pities on my party with comments like these:

“The kids really need a mother at home. If you went on a strict budget I’ll bet …”

Talk about guilt. I thought I was losing out on the best years of my children’s lives. I felt miserable and sorry for myself. Even when I was with the kids on weekends and in the evenings, I was so miserable I couldn’t enjoy them.

While I still hold to the idea that a mother is a special person in a child’s life, I found there were other people who could, under my supervision, attend to our children’s needs, leaving me free to do my work without guilt. Once working mothers can gain freedom from the negative feelings of guilt, resentment, and anger, they can relax and have fun with their kids. The transition makes that valuable time we can spend with our children more enjoyable for everyone.

If you’re working outside the home and would rather be home mothering your kids, consider these possibilities:

1. Ask yourself the question “Do I really have to work?” Discuss the possibility with your husband. You might go so far as to work out a budget to determine just how beneficial your paycheck is to the family. Often women have found that the added expenses of child care, clothing, and extra food costs practically wipe out the profits. They’ve found that by tightening up on their budgets they can make it on their husband’s paycheck. If that’s your case, change jobs and go for a full-time career as a homemaker.

2. Another option is to cut back to part-time work. (I’ll be sharing more on the freedom of part-time work in the next chapter.)

3. No way out? Maybe you’re widowed and your pension isn’t enough to keep your bird in seed. Or maybe your husband has said good-bye in court and you haven’t seen him since. For many women, depending on child support or alimony is as foolish as expecting to win a million-dollar lottery. Most of them have to work or they don’t eat—unless, of course, you find someone who’d like to take care of you.

Working in a career that can be managed at home is be-coming increasingly popular for mothers. It cuts car, clothing, and child-care expenses.

4. Share the load. If you are a single mom, perhaps you can find another single mother caught in the same sinking ship. You may want to consider the option of sharing a home. That way you can cut expenses and possibly both work part-time. You may even be able to work different shifts and do away with the expense and hassle of child care. Another benefit is that you have more hands to help with housework.

Whether you work in your home or out, job satisfaction is as important to your kids as it is to you. A woman who is unhappy in her job brings her discontentment home and, like a communicable disease, it spreads throughout the house. Wouldn’t you rather spread a few germs of joy? Job satisfaction can give you a new respect for yourself, a bounce to your walk, and a smile. Be happy in your situation and your kids will usually catch the bug.

The big question for moms who work away from home is child care. The problem may be an enormous one. When I first went to work, my baby was only three months old. My husband was attending school, and I had to work. I loved my job, but leaving my baby every morning was the most heart-wrenching thing I’ve ever had to do. The babysitter had several other children. She’d come highly recommended. Yet I knew she didn’t change my baby as often as I did. I knew he wasn’t getting the attention that I’d have given him. Why? She didn’t love my child as much as I did.

Later, when we moved back home, Nana, the children’s grandmother, cared for the children. I knew they were getting the kind of care a mother could give because she loved them.

The secret to satisfactory child care is to find someone who loves your child as much as you do—ideally a relative, or perhaps a nanny. Nannies live in the home, do light housework, and often become part of the family.

Besides having our children cared for by Nana, the second-best situation for child care was an elderly neighbor woman, Mrs. Aldinger. Mrs. Aldinger would come to our house before the children came home from school, and she’d stay until my husband or I arrived. She would do light work such as folding clothes and seemed more like a grandmother than a babysitter.

Often we had the children go to a neighbor’s house after school. She was paid, of course, but she had children as well, and for our kids it was more an afternoon of playing with friends than going to a babysitter’s house.

Many moms choose to spend one to three years at home with their infants before going back into the workforce. Whenever possible, I’d encourage you to stay home for at least a year. This time is valuable for the special bonding that takes place between the child and the parents.

Many child-development experts attest to the importance of bonding or attachment during the first few years of a child’s life. Mother, or a mother figure, is extremely important to a child. There is a general consensus that the child will do best when he or she is cared for by someone who really loves the child.

Now who besides a mother (and maybe a grandma) is going to love a child to distraction? Who besides Mom is going to think your baby is the most beautiful, smartest, most important baby in the world?

Some mothers who do go back to work soon after baby is born have chosen to take their babies with them. One pediatrician I know brought her baby with her to the office and now works on a part-time basis.

Remember the papoose board? Indian mothers had this nifty backpack into which they bundled baby. The child went nearly everywhere the mother did.

We now have baby packs in every shape and color. Our more modern innovations allow mother to carry baby in front or back. Even the busiest moms can keep baby close. So, what if your boss won’t allow a baby on the premises? Maybe we mothers need to make employers more aware of the benefits of such a program: (1) Moms will be happier and will probably use less sick leave; (2) babies will probably be more content and secure knowing Mom’s right there; and (3) when baby gets too big for the backpack, how about a child-care service right on the premises, so Mom can check on baby during breaks?

Unfortunately, many adults are intolerant when it comes to children. Maybe it’s time we let our hair down and accept children into those forbidden places and meetings for grown-ups only. “As long as kids are fairly well behaved, why not take them with you?” my friend Sharon says. “Sometimes I get annoyed glances from people, but I try not to let it bother me. After all, kids are special—they belong. I think we need to reeducate the population to be more tolerant.”

Okay, so maybe bringing baby to the job won’t work for you. Then I suggest you hire the best person you can find to care for your child. Choose someone with similar values who agrees with and can carry out your techniques for child rearing. Finally, choose someone who loves your child almost as much as you do.

Working moms may be under a lot of stress. Time is short and energy may often seem like something you pay the electric company for. It’s easy to get so busy you forget to take time to take care of yourself. There are two things I’d encourage you to do for your sake as well as for the sake of your children. First, stay healthy; second, take time to relax with mini-vacations or meditation.

A healthy mother is a better mother. Take good care of yourself by eating right and exercising regularly.

Because we are often rushed and because so many of us are on a perpetual diet to keep from gaining weight, we don’t always get an adequate supply of vitamins and minerals. I know I’m beginning to sound like an ad for Geritol, but it’s true.

If we let ourselves get run down, we become cranky, irritable, depressed, and downright tired. Proper dieting and exercise can eliminate those symptoms and turn you into a happier, well-adjusted mom again.

Take care of yourself. And take care of your children, too. They can suffer from the effects of a poor diet. Overuse of sugar, for example, has been found to cause extreme hyperactivity in some children.

Let’s take good care of our bodies and teach our children to as well. When the body we’ve got wears out, we don’t get a replacement.

Stresses can and often do build up to a great big pain in the neck or head. You can often ward off stress simply by taking a few minutes to relax. My advice is not to take two aspirin and call the doctor in the morning. Rather, I’d encourage you to meditate, not medicate.

For some of you meditation might mean going off to a high mountain to meet with a guru. Not so. By meditation, I simply mean taking time out. Although I firmly believe everyone needs occasional long time-outs such as retreats, a weekend at the beach, a second honeymoon in Bermuda (without the kids), I’d like to take this space to talk about daily breaks or mini-meditations.

Why would a mother need a time for meditation? Let’s take a peek at a typical mother around dinnertime:

Donna has just put in six hours cleaning cupboards, washing floors, dusting, and vacuuming—for someone else. (Donna uses her homemaking skills to bring in a little extra income by cleaning for several clients.)

It’s time for dinner. The kids—Kevin, who’s four, and Brad, who’s six, and even Shawn, her one-year-old—are playing quietly in the family room. Could it be that just once she’ll be able to prepare dinner without the usual interruptions?

Donna pauses to peer into the family room. The older children are playing with their trucks, and Shawn is busy stuffing his mouth with a giant block. Donna smiles to herself. It would be a miracle, but miracles have been known to happen. She attacks her task with renewed enthusiasm. Maybe she’ll even make a hollandaise sauce for the asparagus tonight.

Just as she plops the last few pieces of chicken in the bag for a flour coating, a bloodcurdling scream echoes through the house.

“Boys,” she calls out patiently, “give Shawn his teddy bear.” She turns to shake the chicken in the bag.

Suddenly Donna is trapped in Kevin’s vicelike grip. Her legs have become an unwilling shield as her boys prepare to wage the Civil War all over again. She struggles to walk, but Kevin only holds on tighter, swinging around one leg, like a monkey on a tree limb, as Brad closes in.

“Okay, that’s enough,” Donna warns. “How many times have I told you not to play in the kitchen while I’m cooking dinner? It’s dangerous.”

“Go in the living room and play.” Donna finally sets the bag of chicken on the counter and extricates herself from Kevin’s hold.

Hands on her hips, she watches the boys run into the other room. Satisfied that they’ll stay put at least until she gets the chicken in the oven, Donna turns back to her task.

Just as she picks up the now soggy bag of chicken, a wet hand grasps one of her bare feet. “Ma-a-! I eat.”

Donna sets aside her growing anxiety and frustration and coos, “In a few minutes, sweetheart.” Then she watches in silent horror as the bag ruptures, spilling flour and chicken all over her blond baby and the kitchen floor.

The rest is a nightmare of baby screams, mother sobs, little-boy giggles, a ringing phone, and a hungry dog who’s raced in to salvage the meat.

While not every day is this hectic, and times set aside for meditation won’t stop all the frenzy, they can help.

Maybe you’re complaining, “Where do I find the time for meditating? I barely have time to brush my teeth.” If you fall into the “no time” category, here are a few ideas for taking mini-meditation breaks that you might be able to squeeze in.

1. If you work outside the home, don’t try to fix a meal as soon as you get home. Habits are hard to break, but it’s possible. You might want to fix a fruit snack for the kids. Then take a rest, put your feet up, and meditate on something. You might want to take a few minutes to read, or just close your eyes and your mind. Or, you may want to use this time to meditate on the kids. It’s a perfect time for pure listening.

Put on some soothing background music, relax, and enjoy what they’re saying. Don’t worry about talking much. Kids are great for filling in gaps in conversation. Then when it’s time to start dinner, the kids may be content to stay clear of the kitchen because they got your attention first.

2. If you have someone to watch the kids or if they’re old enough to be left on their own for half an hour, take a mini-meditation break in a bubble bath.

I am a firm believer in the “bubble your troubles away” philosophy. It really works. Let the warm water ease away the tension. Feel it warm you all over as you snuggle up to your neck in luxury. Read a good book that takes your mind away from those worrisome tasks.

Sometimes I use my bath time to sort out what I have left to do. Then I list them in order. Other times I’ll concentrate on a particular calming Bible verse or sing a song.

3. I learned long ago to use the bathroom for meditation. It’s the only place I can legitimately go for privacy. I’ve been known to offer up a mini-prayer: “We’ve got about five minutes. Calm me down, Lord. Give me patience … and make it snappy.”

4. You could take an early-morning break. I used to think I should get up earlier than everyone else so I could have an uninterrupted hour of quiet time. Ideally, during this time, I would pray and read the Bible and organize my day. This is a fine practice for early people.

Unfortunately, I am late people. Life before seven in the morning is nonexistent for me—even if I’m up. The only thing I accomplished with the early-bird routine was to feel guilty because I’d fall asleep reading my Bible. To top it off, I never got anything done on those days because I couldn’t stay awake long enough to write a “things to do” list.

I found that my mini-meditation times worked very well, and if I wanted longer periods of quiet time I took time after everyone was in bed. Hmmm. Maybe that’s why I could never get up in the morning.

At any rate, kids need a rested, relaxed mom. Take a few minutes out of your hectic day to meditate.

Being a working mother is not so much a fact as it is a process. As a process it is constantly changing and redefining itself. It requires enormous energy, ingenuity, adaptability, and perseverance. Being a working mother is not simply a matter of getting a job and then existing. Or of having children at the optimal time in one’s life, given a commitment to a career. It’s not, of course, a matter of getting married and just living happily ever after, either. It requires sustained effort and continual reassessment of priorities, needs, and goals. It’s a way of life that demands the clarification of shared values and objectives, as well as individual needs and feelings. More than that, it is a continuous commitment to the well-being of loved ones—all the loved ones in the family—including oneself![2]

Now, as promised, we’ll get into some more helps for moms who stay home. Often their jobs are no less hectic and difficult than the jobs of moms who work out of the home.

And, just as you moms who stay home may have benefited from some of the ideas in this chapter, I’d like moms who work away from home to read some of the suggestions that follow in the next chapter.

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Help and Hope for Working Moms