Mothering isn’t easy for stay-at-home moms either. No one ever said it would be. And if you had any illusions to the contrary, now that a child has entered your life, you know otherwise.
In the last chapter I tried to reduce guilt and give encouragement and help to moms who work away from home or in jobs that keep them from being full-time mothers and homemakers.
Because I’m extolling the virtues of a woman who works outside the home, don’t think I’m putting down the woman who chooses the full-time job of mothering. I certainly am not.
Homemaking and child care are a full-time job. Also, many women find it is what they do best. Full-time homemaking certainly should be considered a career.
This isn’t a chapter for perfectly happy stay-at-home moms; rather it is for moms who want to stay home but feel lacking. They understand the need to be available to their kids, yet harbor feelings of disillusionment, unfulfillment, and lone-liness. They are full-time mothers and enjoy it, but something is missing.
Maybe, like my friend Joan, you decided to stay home to rear your kids, but things haven’t worked out quite as you planned. Joan complains of feeling trapped. “I don’t understand it. I really like being home. I guess I came into the situation of being a stay-at-home mom with rose-colored glasses. I laughed at women who said I’d get bored. At first, my kids really needed me and I loved it. Now that my kids are in school, I find myself wanting something besides romance novels, soaps, and TV talk shows to fill my days. It’s not that I don’t have housework I could be doing—I just don’t want to do it.”
Remember when we talked about priorities and the necessity of reevaluating from time to time? That is exactly where Joan is. When her children were small, staying at home and being a full-time wife and mother were fine, but now she needs more.
In addition, Joan has begun to see women who have ca-reers outside the home as being somehow more glamorous than she is. And I suppose meeting clients over lunch, flying a customer into the remote regions of Brazil, signing a contract for a series of six romantic novels, jetting off to Europe to buy the latest fashions for your very own boutique, could be considered more glamorous than mopping floors and wiping runny noses. Unfortunately most jobs, whether homemaking, typing letters, answering phones, or directing movies, get to be tiring after a while.
If you are experiencing some of Joan’s frustrations or have begun to see caring for children and home as drudgery, it may be time for a change. Too much of one thing can make a mom feel lonely, left out, worthless, and caged. Just as women who work may have to change their attitudes about their jobs, moms who stay home may, as well.
Having outside interests can greatly improve one’s attitude.
Not Only a Mother
There are some women who have chosen to be the World’s Greatest Mother. Their concentration on that goal has kept them too busy to pursue other interests.
Hopefully, children will ultimately leave the nest. Then what? Where does a mother go who’s had nothing but her kids? There are many women who come to the end of their reproductive cycle depressed, dejected, and devastated.
Children need a mother who has interests outside of them. Kids take pride in watching a mother blossom and grow. As you find new interests, you are teaching your children by example that we never stop learning.
As an artist, I could escape from the pressures of life and throw my frustrations into a creative outlet. When my children were very small, I neglected that very important part of me. For a time, I gave up my art because I thought I should, since I had so little time. I became restless and unhappy and finally realized what had gone wrong. I am not only a mother but an artist as well. It is within my nature to create. God didn’t intend that I give up this important part of me for the sake of my kids. He intended that I use my talents for my benefit as well as theirs.
I began taking art classes. My stress levels dropped considerably and my attitude levels rose. And the bonus is that my kids have learned from my art.
As a nurse, I shared with them about illness, caring for people, and caring for themselves. They learned about compassion.
As a writer, I express myself. I am open and honest. They share in my writing by letting me use their stories. They write journals, poetry, and sometimes prose to express their feelings. They learned from my craft. They are proud to have a “famous” mom.
My children didn’t suffer from my outside interests—I set my projects aside when they needed me. They grew more independent and self-assured. Now, with my nest empty, I don’t pine away longing for the sound of children. I’m busy because I enjoy my own interests.
We have an appeal from God to build our home and maintain order there (see Titus 2:5). We also have an appeal from God in other parts of Scripture to use our unique gifts and talents, to feed the hungry and clothe the naked, to uplift, encourage, and support others. And finally, we have the ultimate task of making disciples of all nations.
So, when we explore the Scriptures as a whole, women are not simply lumped together in one batch of clay. God did not mass-produce us as vessels with one purpose and engrave us with the name “Homemaker.” He made each of us with separate and unique abilities. We are apostles, prophets, teachers, healers, miracle workers, administrators … (see 1 Cor. 12:28).
We don’t stay home because the Bible says we should, and we don’t work outside the home because the Bible says we should. The Bible shows women in various situations. Consequently, the answer as to whether or not you should be working outside the home is strictly between you and your family and God.
A child doesn’t necessarily need a mom who stays home or one with a job away from home. I’ve seen neglected and abused children coming out of both situations. I’ve seen working moms suffer the tragedy of teenage rebellion as their kids choose drugs and alcohol and street gangs over common sense. But I’ve seen stay-at-home moms suffer the same pain. What kids really need is a mother who loves them enough to be herself.
Do You Need a Change?
Are you needing or wanting to make some changes in your status as a stay-at-home mom? Here are a few considerations you might want to make.
1. Do you really want to stay home? One young mother, Andrea, had a difficult time coming to terms with this question. Andrea, a schoolteacher, decided she would be a stay-at-home mother. For years, she crusaded for mothers who, like herself, felt that being home with the children was essential to their well-being.
When I started getting restless and thinking how nice it would be to teach again, I really felt guilty. It took a long time for me to realize I was just kidding myself. I wasn’t staying home because the kids needed me there. I refused to think about going back to teaching because I didn’t want to face the people. After being too adamant about staying home, I’d look like a fool to my friends. After a year of misery and soul-searching, I found the root of my problem: pride.
Once I admitted my need for a change, I felt freedom to go on with my teaching. And, wonder of wonders, I got a call from an old friend who asked me if I’d be interested in tutoring. I love it. I can stay home and work at the same time.
2. Remember that your decision to stay home with your children is not set in concrete. Times change and so do you. Be open for what God might want in your life.
3. Consider what you’ll be giving up if you decide to go to work. What effect will your absence have on your family?
4. Consider other options, such as volunteer work for an hour or two a day. Volunteer work gets you out of the house. Helping others is definitely uplifting.
5. Make a list of your feelings about staying home. Write the benefits on one side and the disadvantages on the other. Often, by writing out the pros and cons, you can come to a decision.
6. You may want to talk with a friend about your dilemma.
7. What is the desire of your heart?
8. Be flexible. At this point I’d like to tell you about a woman who loves being a mom, yet mothering isn’t her only love.
My friend Sharon, then mother of three small children, had been a home-based, part-time political activist for years. She got tired of fighting causes and backed off from any and all political involvement. She dedicated her energies to mothering, home schooling her kids, gardening, and homemaking. But God had something different in mind.
“I thought you loved staying at home. What made you decide to run for office?” I asked over lunch one afternoon.
Sharon shrugged. “I began feeling restless. I knew God was urging me to do something—I just couldn’t figure out what. After all, I thought I was supposed to be right here at home, taking care of my family. At first I resisted the feelings, but they just got stronger. Then finally, I gave in and said, ‘Okay, Lord, what do You want me to do?’”
“And He told you to go to work?”
“When the message came through I was sure I’d misunderstood. But eventually I realized God was urging me to run for the state senate seat.”
“How did you know it was God?” I asked.
“I know this may sound strange, but since I didn’t particularly want to go I just prayed, ‘Lord, if this is really You, You’ll have to tell Randy.’
“Then I put the thoughts aside because I knew Randy [her husband] would never agree. I couldn’t believe it when he came to me a few days later and said, ‘You’re running for state senate, aren’t you?’ I knew. God wanted me to go. I felt at peace again for the first time in months.”
“Campaigning takes a lot of time. How did your family do?”
“Not so great at first. Running for senator is no small feat. But three weeks after I registered, a man from church told me he’d been fighting with God for days because he didn’t want to get involved. He finally agreed to be my campaign manager. This guy had no previous experience or interest in politics. Anyway, he organized my campaign and got two groups of women to volunteer to watch my kids and clean house. I was given a wardrobe and the use of a car. We fought a good campaign and gave the incumbent a lot of sleepless nights. We nearly made it.”
“But you lost. Since God was behind the whole thing, how could that be?”
“I don’t think I was meant to be a senator right then. What running did was qualify me as a politician. People don’t look at me as ‘just a housewife’ anymore. The campaign served as a catalyst for moving a lot of Christians into action to help change laws. Shortly after the election I was elected State Committee Woman for our county and elected to the Executive Board of the State Republican Party. Also, I was asked to serve on the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights—Washington State Advisory Board. Through involvement in my campaign, a political-action committee was set up.
“I work to educate and groom people who care and want to see laws changed and our freedoms maintained.”
“Wow,” I said, “you’re doing more now than you could have as a state senator.”
“I know … isn’t God great?”
Sharon shifted priorities and listened to God.
Through her willingness to change priorities, she set an example for Christians in our community, who are realizing the importance of being attuned to and becoming involved with political affairs.
I don’t want you to think I’m stressing that all stay-at-home moms should hit the campaign trail or go off to work. I only challenge you to look carefully at the present as well as the future and be open to new vistas.
I like to look at motherhood in terms of the seasons. Each season brings about changes, not only in the kids, but in us moms as well. If you’re feeling stagnant in your role as a mother, maybe it’s because the season has changed, but you haven’t.
Changing with the Seasons
Spring begins with the birth of the first child and lasts until the youngest starts school.
Summer runs through the children’s grade-school years, and fades into Fall when your children hit their teens.
Fall lasts until all the kids are grown and gone.
Winter comes when the nest is empty. It begins when the youngest child leaves home.
In Spring, moms will do well to direct most of their energies toward their growing children. Many of the mothers who experience feelings of isolation and disillusionment about motherhood are those who give up everything for the sake of rearing their children. Although some sacrifice is essential, especially during baby’s first year, being a mother doesn’t supersede who you are. Even during phase one, you can plan some activities. I would simply encourage you to grow as your children grow. Being a mom offers a perfect environment for personal growth.
In Summer, while children are in school, you may want to indulge in an extracurricular activity, perhaps take a class or two, work part-time, do volunteer work. This will give you a new frontier, offer a challenge, and still give you the freedom to be home when the kids are. Summer isn’t a time when the kids will need you less—on the contrary, in many ways they’ll need you more. But there are more blocks of free time when the kids are in school or playing.
In Fall, it’s important that you be there as a mom. You might think that if you had more time when the kids were in grade school, you can count on even more free time during their teen years. Not so. Perhaps more than any of the seasons, it’s a time for understanding and unconditional love. Even though your teenagers will often seem too busy to even notice whether or not you’re gone, believe me, they’ll notice. This isn’t the time to take on too much extra work. I was working part-time while my children were in their teens. At times even that seemed too much.
Yet there is still time, during school and when they’re gone, to pursue your other interests.
Then there’s Winter. The kids are gone and you can move into whatever gear you want: full-time work, part-time, hobbies, volunteer work. But whatever you do, if you’ve prepared the way, you’ll find the empty nest won’t hurt so much or feel quite so empty. This is a season for you to come into full bloom. Winter isn’t the end—it’s just the beginning.
Motherhood never ends; it just turns with the seasons.
Support for Sagging Souls
No matter what the season, or what your situation, I would encourage all moms to be part of a support group. Whether it’s a once-a-week Bible study or a once-a-month coffee klatch, I urge you to get together with other mothers.
There is a nationwide support group called MOPS, Inc. (Mothers of Preschoolers). MOPS is a church-sponsored organization, but it is nondenominational and open to everyone. Twice a month or so, moms get together to hear speakers, learn more about mothering, encourage one another, and give support. As one mom said, “It’s so good just to know my kid isn’t the only one who bites his little sister.”
While moms are learning and growing, so are the children. Babysitting services (where children play and do crafts) are provided.
A support group lets you know you are not alone. It provides an outlet for a mother’s frustrations and a solution to the problem of isolation. For more information on a group in your area or how to get one started, write to:
MOPS
1311 South Clarkson Street
Denver, CO 80210
(303) 733-5353
In the next chapter we’ll explore another view of the seasons as we consider the growth and development of a mom.