CHAPTER 8
THE KING OF THE CAFETERIA
CLAUDIA
By the time he walked into school on Friday morning, Reese had over 10,000,000 Blips and 12,000 Blurt followers. And the whole middle school was drooling over him like he was some kind of actual celebrity.
Hunter and Bryce practically tackled him on the way in. They were going, “Have you hung out with BewBewBoy?” And, “What’s he like in person?”
Which was ridiculous. Because all BewBewBoy had done was Reblurt Reese. And he lives in Finland.
Then Natasha Minello ran up and asked Reese if he could get Austin Flick’s phone number for her. Which was even MORE ridiculous. Because even though Austin Flick had Reblurted him, Reese had no clue who he even was. Ed. Note: tons of Blurt stars RB’d Reese after BewBewBoy
REESE
When I got to the cafeteria, a bunch of girls were like, “Are you going to BlurtUp? Can you hook us up with Joey and Joey?” Ed. Note: should be “Cody and Cody” (Reese even more clueless than me re Blurt stars)
And I was like, “I do NOT know what you’re talking about.”
But then Xander was all, “HECKS TO THE YEAH, WE GOIN’ TO DAT BLURTUP! WE GONNA BE MAIN STAGE, LADIES!!!”
CLAUDIA
BlurtUp is like a music festival, except with Blurt stars instead of rock stars. It was happening a week from that Saturday in the parking lot at Citi Field.
I knew this because it was all Parvati had been talking about for WEEKS.
PARVATI
OMG, ALL my fave Blurters were going to be there! Tyler, Marcel, Austin, Luke, Jimmy, Gina G, Wasted Wendy, Cody and Cody—
CLAUDIA
And Reese and Xander!
Except not. Because even though Xander told all the girls in the cafeteria he and Reese were going to be at BlurtUp, the only way that was going to happen was if they bought a ticket. Reese’s 12,000 followers might be a ton for Culvert Prep, but it was still basically nothing compared to the millions of followers that actual Blurt stars have.
And Xander had no followers.
Literally, none. Not even Reese was following him.
XANDER
Cuz I’d just relaunched, yo! To hype dat Skronkmonsta brand!
REESE
My screen name’s always been “Skronkmonster.” Not just on Blurt, but everywhere. And Xander’s always been “XIzKillinIt.”
But after we decided to be a team, and my Blurt got 10,000,000 Blips, Xander changed HIS Blurt name to “Skronkmonster_X.”
He got pretty ripped when Akash asked him if that meant we were married.
AKASH
I said, “So, if you’re taking Reese’s name… are you also planning to stay home full time with the little baby Skronkmonsters?”
XANDER
Not funny, yo. NOT. FUNNY.
AKASH
Actually, it was. I seem to recall a cafeteria full of people laughing at you. Ed. Note: (Akash also not a fan of Xander)
CLAUDIA
For the record, when Reese had told me on the way to school that he and Xander were going to team up and try to become Blurt stars like BewBewBoy or Cody and Cody, I warned him it was a terrible idea. And not just because it meant he’d be breaking his promise not to post any more Blurts until my bet with Athena was over.
REESE
I HAD to keep posting! ’Cause, like, no offense? But there was no way you were going to win that bet. And now that I’d blown up huge, Xander had all these ideas for how we were going to turn pro and make a ton of money doing Blurts!
CLAUDIA
Like what ideas?
REESE
Well, he didn’t have them YET. It’s more like he had ideas for ideas.
And it was totally possible! BewBewBoy makes a million dollars a week! Ed. Note: not true (b/c BewBewBoy is Finnish) (so he makes a million euros) (not dollars)
AKASH
BewBewBoy actually does rake a ton of cash. But mostly on MeVid. Because Blurt doesn’t have advertising—so the only thing 10,000,000 Blips gets you is bragging rights. To turn the Blips into money, you have to be smart.
And that pretty much disqualified Xander and your brother.
CLAUDIA
While Reese was getting drooled over by half the school and dreaming about becoming a professional Blurter, I was hiding out in the school library to avoid the Fembots. Specifically, I was in the reference aisle. It’s a perfect place to hide out because nobody ever goes there.
PARVATI
I didn’t even know the reference aisle existed. It’s, like, this secret part of the library. Like Narnia.
CLAUDIA
The reference aisle is also far enough from Mr. Finch’s spot at the circulation desk that Parvati, Sophie, and I could talk quietly without getting in trouble. And I desperately needed to talk through how I was going to get out of my bet with Athena.
I’d decided Reese was right—there was no way I could win. But since the whole sixth grade had watched me make the bet, I also couldn’t back out of it without major humiliation.
And that’d not only be incredibly embarrassing, it might even destroy my political career. Ed. Note: (I am 6th grade class president) (for totally insane election story, check out THE TAPPER TWINS RUN FOR PRESIDENT)
SOPHIE
I could definitely see people making it an issue in your re-election campaign.
But posting a Blurt where you call yourself lame and stupid would ALSO be a campaign issue.
CLAUDIA
I thought I might be able to find a loophole in the contract. Like if I recorded myself saying, “I’M THE LAMEST, STUPIDEST…” etc., while standing on the sidewalk next to a jackhammer so nobody could hear the words.
SOPHIE
Bad idea. Campaign issue.
PARVATI
I thought you were giving up WAY too easily. You’re an AMAZING singer-songwriter! And you had two whole weeks to become a Blurt star!
It’s like Marcel Mourlot says: “Eef Ed. Note: (Parvati imitating Marcel’s French accent) zhou can dream eet, zhou can BE EET!”
You just had to do what Reese did—get a famous Blurter to Reblurt you! Like Marcel! He has thirty million followers! AND he was going to be at BlurtUp!
All you had to do was go to BlurtUp, meet Marcel, and ask him to Reblurt you! It was a total no-brainer.
CLAUDIA
It was NOT a no-brainer. Because when I went online to look for tickets, I found out the only way to actually meet any of the Blurt stars in person was to buy a “VIP Platinum” ticket with a “Meet and Greet” option. Which cost $500. Which I DEFINITELY DID NOT HAVE. And even if I did, they were sold out.
PARVATI
I just had a regular $30 ticket myself. But I’d decided I was going to camp out overnight and be the first person in line. So when Tyler Purdy flew overhead in his helicopter, he’d see me and realize I was his absolutely biggest fangirl ever. And he’d pull me out of the line and take me backstage and feed me strawberries for lunch.
SOPHIE
How did you know he was coming by helicopter?
PARVATI
I didn’t. I also wasn’t sure about the strawberries. But that’s how I wrote it in my fanfic. Ed. Note: FANFIC = fan fiction = made-up stories about non-made-up people (and/or characters in books/movies/TV) And “EEF ZHOU CAN DREAM EEET, ZHOU CAN BE EET!”
CLAUDIA
We didn’t exactly solve my problem in the library that morning. And even though I waited until the last possible second to go to my locker, when I came down the hall, Athena and the Fembots were waiting for me like vultures.
When they saw me, they all started singing, “YOU’RE SOOO DOOOMED…!”
Then Athena yelled, “HEY, LOSER—want to just do your Blurt now and get it over with? I’ll record it for you!”
I yelled back, “I have two weeks, Athena!”
Then she yelled, “I know—it’s going to be SOOOO much fun watching you fail!” Then they all laughed their evil little heads off.
I was trying very hard not to cry as I opened my locker. And when I did, I found a note tucked inside by a mysterious stranger.
