CHAPTER 9
THE MYSTERIOUS CHUPACABRA
CLAUDIA
My first feeling when I saw the letter was “hopeful.”
My second feeling was “suspicious.” Because I thought it might just be the Fembots messing with my head.
But then Carmen told me “El Chupacabra” Ed. Note: “Chupacabra” = “goat-sucker” was some kind of mythical vampire-type creature in Mexico who sucks the blood out of goats. And even though I could totally imagine the Fembots as vampires feasting on Mexican farm animals, it didn’t seem like a nickname they’d give themselves. Even if they were just trying to mess with my head.
Plus, I was desperate. So I decided to take a chance and meet whoever had written the note. But since the whole thing was very creepy, even though it said to come alone, I took Parvati and Carmen with me.
SOPHIE
I would’ve had your back, too. But I had ballet after school.
CLAUDIA
No worries, Sophie. I know how hard you’ve been working on your grand jeté.
The note said to meet at Wagner Cove, which is this tucked-away spot in a corner of the Central Park rowboat pond with a little gazebo where teenagers go to make out.
Before the three of us took the little path down to the cove, we all got out our house keys and held them in our fists with the points sticking out in case we got attacked.
PARVATI
I was totally ready to take down anybody who messed with us. But when we got to the gazebo, there was nobody there.
CARMEN
I was thinking, “Maybe it was just a joke after all.”
Then from behind us, this deep, growly, fake voice Ed. Note: like when Batman talks in the movies went, “I told you to come alone!”
CLAUDIA
At first, the voice completely freaked us out.
But then we turned around and realized it was James Mantolini.
Which made total sense. James is easily the strangest person I know. So calling himself “Chupacabra” and making us meet him in secret was probably only about the third-weirdest thing he’d done that day.
James also gets in more trouble than anybody else in the sixth grade. In fact, the whole reason we had to meet in secret was because he was in trouble with the law.
And by “law,” I mean “Vice Principal Bevan.”
JAMES MANTOLINI, professional troublemaker
I’m technically banned from using the Internet until the end of the school year. If I get caught going online for anything but schoolwork, I’ll get expelled.
So if I was going to help you, it had to be on the serious down low.
CLAUDIA
How did you get banned from the Internet?
JAMES
Part of the agreement between my parents and the school is that I can’t discuss it. But let’s just say Vice Principal Bevan’s MUCH more aware of the importance of strong password protection than she used to be. Especially on her online dating profile.
PARVATI
Vice Principal Bevan has an online dating profile?
JAMES
No comment. I’ve said too much already.
CLAUDIA
Considering the risk he was running, I didn’t really understand at first why James was willing to help me.
JAMES
Two reasons: I don’t like Fembots, and there was money involved.
CLAUDIA
James said if I won the bet, he wanted half of Athena’s $1,000. I was totally fine with that. But at first, I was a little doubtful he had the skills to get me to 20,000 Ed. Note: Reese had gotten 8,000 MORE FOLLOWERS just since breakfast Blurt followers.
JAMES
Then I told you about my “Inappropriate Cockroach” meme.
CLAUDIA
I’d never heard of “Inappropriate Cockroach.” But when I googled it, I got a million hits.
JAMES
I created that meme. You know how many hits “Inappropriate Cockroach” got before I started it? Six.
CARMEN
I call nonsense. There’s no way you created that meme, James.
PARVATI
I don’t believe it, either.
JAMES
It’s not necessary for you to believe me. In my heart, I know the truth.
CLAUDIA
I was too desperate to care if James was lying. So I told him he was hired. Then I asked him what the next step was.
JAMES
I said, “First of all, forget trying to make your music videos happen. Only three kinds of content go viral on Blurt: stupidity, violence, and cute boys.”
CLAUDIA
I said, “Well, I’m definitely not a cute boy. And I’m not into violence. But I guess I could try to do something stupid—”
JAMES
I said, “No, no, no. We’re not taking any chances here. You gotta do all three. At the same time.”
Because if you could come up with Blurts that were stupid, violent, AND had a cute boy in them? You’d CRUSH it.
CLAUDIA
Doing all three at once seemed impossible. But James told me to take it one step at a time. The first thing I needed was a cute boy who’d be willing to star in my Blurts.
PARVATI
I suggested Reese. Because tbh? He’s pretty cute.
CLAUDIA
That just seemed wrong. And also kind of eeew. Plus, the rules of the bet were that Reese couldn’t help me. So if he showed up in my Blurts, Athena’d say I cheated.
CARMEN
Then I suggested Jens. Because he’s not only totally cute, but he owed you big time for breaking your heart. AND he felt bad about it, so you could probably talk him into helping you.
CLAUDIA
This was true. Ever since our breakup, Jens had been trying to get us to be friends again. But even though I was mostly over him, I still thought we should take a break from talking to each other for a while. Like maybe ten years. Or more.
When James found out Jens and I broke up, he said, “Are you really mad at him?”
I said, “Kind of.”
JAMES
So I said, “Are you mad enough to hit him over the head with a baseball bat?”
CLAUDIA
And I said, “A REAL baseball bat? No. I am a peaceful person.”
JAMES
Then I said, “What if it was a fake one? Like a Wiffle bat?”
CLAUDIA
I said, “I guess that’d be fine.”
JAMES
So that took care of the violence and the cute boy. Then we just needed some stupid to put it over the top.
CLAUDIA
We went through a ton of bad ideas Ed. Note: OTHER BAD IDEAS: -clown shoes-funny hat -bad singing -monkey noises -etc. for “stupid” before I remembered the Flubby costume. Ashley’s boyfriend, Andy, majored in Musical Theater just like Ashley. So professionally speaking, he’s mostly a waiter. But lately, he’s also been working as a Times Square cartoon character.
I knew this because a while back, Ashley had showed me a picture of him hanging out in their apartment wearing a Flubby costume.
For those of you who never had a childhood and/or weren’t allowed to watch TV when you were little, Flubby’s a character on the TV show Aardvark Avenue. Whenever you go to Times Square, there are at least half a dozen people standing around in Flubby costumes, taking pictures with tourists for money.
I figured I could fit into Andy’s costume because he’s pretty short. Ed. Note: no offense, Andy! And he’s super nice, so I was 99% sure he’d let me borrow it.
JAMES
This might sound a little out there… but when I heard the words “Flubby costume,” “baseball bat,” and “cute boy,” EVERYTHING clicked into place. I had this amazing vision for a horror story about a Flubby with a baseball bat chasing a kid through Central Park.
And I realized the whole reason I’d been put on this earth was to turn that vision into a series of the most cunningly successful Blurts of all time.
PARVATI
It was a little weird when James got that crazed look in his eye and grabbed you by the shoulders and went, “Claudia, I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU A STAR!”
And then he was all, “Actually, no. You’ll be in the Flubby costume. But THE FLUBBY IS GOING TO BE A STAR!”
Which, BTW, made no sense. Flubby’s ALREADY a star. At least with preschoolers.
CLAUDIA
James almost never makes sense. But I liked his enthusiasm.
And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like me putting on a Flubby costume and hitting Jens over the head with a bat could not only go viral and solve my Fembot problem, but might also be very helpful for my healing process.
All I had to do was convince Jens that letting a cartoon character beat him over the head in front of Ed. Note: (hopefully) millions of people was a good idea.
