CHAPTER 10
REESE AND XANDER Ed. Note: (TRY TO) TURN PRO
CLAUDIA
Even though everybody at school was drooling all over him, and he’d hit 15,000,000 Blips and 20,000 followers by the time school ended that day, Reese stayed totally down-to-earth and chill. He knew he’d just gotten incredibly lucky, and his moment of being Internet famous was going to end as fast as it started.
So there was NO WAY my brother was going to let it all go to his head, get totally obsessed with becoming a Blurt star, let Xander talk him into a bunch of ridiculous moneymaking ideas, completely embarrass himself trying to make them happen, and just generally lose his mind.
I’m kidding. That’s EXACTLY what Reese did.
REESE
That whole day at school, I kept asking to go to the bathroom and then sneaking into a stall to check Blurt on my phone. ’Cause it was SO AMAZING watching my Blip counter! It just kept going, “WHHHHZZZZZZZHHHHH!” Ed. Note: made-up sound that means “increasing very fast”
I seriously couldn’t stop staring at it. Once, I lost track of the time when I was in the bathroom, and Mrs. Berner had to send Dimitri to check on me.
DIMITRI
I could see Reese’s feet under the stall. So I knocked on the door and said, “Are you okay?”
And he went, “I’m blowing up, dude!”
And I was like, “Yeeeeech. That’s really gross.”
But he didn’t mean it like I thought he did.
REESE
After school, I went over to Xander’s place so we could figure out how to take the Blurt thing to the next level.
XANDER
I was all, “Time to turn dem followers into MAD money!”
CLAUDIA
Xander, you DO realize those 20,000 followers were ALL Reese’s, right? You had more like two at that point. Or maybe three, if your mom had started following you.
XANDER
You just ignorant, Clownia! Me and R-Dog Ed. Note: Xander’s nickname for Reesewuz SHARIN’ followers! Cuz we wuz a team!
Plus I wuz doin’ all the work. R-Dog just kept starin’ at his Blip counter. I had to be the one googlin’ “how to make dat Blurt money” and whatnot.
And da article I found told it straight! All we needed was to hit da trey: APPEARANCES, BRANDS, and MERCH!
REESE
Appearances are, like, you show up someplace. And people give you money just for being there. Like at that BlurtUp thing.
XANDER
So I emailed dem BlurtUp bruhs. And I was all, “Yo, Skronkmonsters be ready to get with you! Hook us up on dat main stage, y’all!”
XANDER (email to BlurtUp.com)
CLAUDIA
I would like to pause here to say I was completely Ed. Note: (sarcasm) shocked when I found out nobody at BlurtUp ever emailed Xander back.
XANDER
They best hope it went to junk mail. ’Cause don’t nobody disrespect the X-Man.
REESE
Then Xander was like, “Step Two: BRANDS!”
XANDER
Brands is endorsements! Skronkmonster sellin’ product to da people!
REESE
So brand deals are, like, you post a Blurt going, “I LOVE RUSH SODA! EVERYBODY SHOULD DRINK IT!”
And then Rush Soda pays you a bunch of money for hyping their stuff.
CLAUDIA
Right… Except for that to actually work, you have to get Rush Soda to agree to pay you BEFORE you post the Blurt.
REESE
Yeah… but the article Xander read didn’t say that. So we just did the Blurt first.
But, like, there aren’t any soda cans or bottles or whatever in MetaWorld? So we used a log. ’Cause they’re kinda soda-can-shaped.
But it was tough to, like, draw a Rush Soda logo on the log, so we drew it on a wall, too. Then we had my avatar stand by the wall and hold up the log like he was drinking it.
I wasn’t totally sure it looked good. But Xander was all, “BLURT IT SO WE CAN CASH IN!”
So I did. Then Xander went on the Rush Soda website and told them to give us some money.
XANDER
Rush Soda didn’t have no email. Just a form that wuz all, “We value your feedback.”
So I filled it out like, “You BEST value this feedback! Skronkmonster be REPRESENTIN’ for yo’ brand! Peep this Blurt link, yo! Then hit us back with dat mad cheeeez!” Ed. Note: in Xander-speak, this means “give us money”
They still ain’t hit us back yet.
CLAUDIA
Once again, I am shocked Ed. Note: (more sarcasm) that Rush Soda never “hit them back” and/or sent Xander and Reese a bunch of money in exchange for a Blurt of Reese’s avatar pretending to drink a log.
REESE
Then Xander was like, “Step Three: Merch!”
Which is short for “Merchandise.” So it’s, like, selling people “Skronkmonster” T-shirts and phone cases and stuff.
And I was psyched for that. Like, I was thinking how awesome it’d be if I walked down the street and saw somebody wearing a “Skronkmonster” T-shirt. I’d be like, “That’s ME! High five!”
But then Xander googled “how to get rich selling T-shirts online.” And it turns out it’s mad hard.
XANDER
Dem article wuz all, “Five Things You Need to Know About Sellin’ T’s!” And number one wuz “You Ain’t Gonna Make No Money On It!”
So I didn’t even read dem other four.
REESE
When I went home for dinner, I was thinking even without T-shirts, we were in great shape.
Because I figured BlurtUp would pay us to show up there. Ed. Note: no, they wouldn’t
And Rush Soda was going to pay us for the Blurt we’d just posted. Ed. Note: no, they weren’t
And that new Blurt was going to blow up just like the first one did! Ed. Note: no, it wasn’t
So I was SUPER excited for what was going to happen next. Ed. Note: he shouldn’t have been (srsly)