CHAPTER 18
I PIN ALL MY HOPES ON SOME FRENCH GUY
CLAUDIA
While Xander was setting my brother’s life Ed. Note: (not literally) (but close) on fire, I was trying desperately to come up with another way to beat Athena.
At first, I was hoping James could redo the Furry Menace Blurts with a cartoon character who wouldn’t sue me for turning him/her/it into a homicidal maniac.
CLAUDIA AND JAMES (text messages)
CLAUDIA
That was Thursday night. On Friday morning, I woke up with a stomachache Ed. Note: (other 5% = bad turkey dog from Thurs. dinner) that I am 95% sure was stress-related.
And it only got worse when I went to school. The Fembots were so excited to taunt me that they were practically peeing their pants.
SOPHIE
Is it just me, or were Clarissa and Ling waiting at the front door so they could sing “YOU’RE SOOOOO DOOMED!” at you the second you walked in?
CLAUDIA
Yeah, they were pretty much stalking me. So I had to hide out in the library again.
Parvati met me there, and we went into library Narnia to discuss my absolutely last hope for victory: BlurtUp.
PARVATI
At that point, BlurtUp was happening in exactly 29 hours and 43 minutes. I knew this because my official BlurtUp app had a countdown clock.
AND I COULDN’T WAIT TO MEET TYLER PURDY BECAUSE I AM HIS NUMBER ONE FANGIRL OF ALL TIME! AAAAAAAAH!
Also, I was totally sure Marcel would be your knight in shining armor and save you from the Fembots.
CLAUDIA
I decided to do what Parvati had been telling me to do all week: go to the BlurtUp festival, somehow meet Marcel Mourlot, and convince him to Reblurt “Windmill” to his 30,000,000 followers.
Tbh, I am so clueless when it comes to Blurt stars that if it weren’t for Parvati, I wouldn’t even have known Marcel was the best one to ask for an RB.
PARVATI
Marcel was perfect! He’s INCREDIBLY supportive of his fans, and he’s constantly RB’ing them to help make their dreams come true. Like, I don’t think Brian Messer would even BE a star today if Marcel hadn’t RB’ed him so much.
And I was SO EXCITED for you that you were coming to BlurtUp! Once Marcel RB’ed you, not only would you beat Athena, but “Windmill” would FINALLY be a hit! It was going to be totally life-changing for you!
I was also excited for me. Because it seemed like it’d be way better to go with your dad than my dad.
CLAUDIA
Parvati’s dad was originally going to take her to BlurtUp. But he’s a doctor, and he was on call that day. Which meant Parvati might have to leave BlurtUp early if someone needed an emergency orthopedist.
So she wanted to trade up to a parent who wouldn’t mess up her chances of meeting Tyler Purdy. And because Parvati’s mom had to take Akash to a robotics fair in Scarsdale that day, and my mom is very crafty about avoiding things she doesn’t want to do, my dad wound up taking us.
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
CLAUDIA
Unfortunately for both me and Parvati, even though my dad is not a doctor on call, he IS a lawyer with an evil boss. So Dad wound up having to do a bunch of work at home on Saturday morning before we could leave. And we got started a LOT later than Parvati wanted to.
PARVATI
Claude, you know I love your dad… and I was fine with us not camping out overnight, because I totally get that it’s illegal to do that and we couldn’t get in line before 5:00am anyway… but we DEFINITELY should’ve been there by 5:00am LATEST.
CLAUDIA
I know! I just couldn’t make it happen. To be fair, we DID get there half an hour before the gates opened at noon.
PARVATI
Yeah—along with the gazillion other girls who were ahead of us!
Which is why we had to totally change our whole strategy for getting Marcel to Reblurt you and Tyler to fall in love with me.
CLAUDIA
Parvati’s original plan was to get to BlurtUp so early that we’d be able to snag a spot right in front of the stage, where A) I could hand Marcel a thumb drive with the “Windmill” video on it, and B) Parvati could make eye contact with Tyler Purdy long enough for him to realize she was his soul mate.
But even though we ran for the stage as soon as the gates opened, this was as close as we could get:
Which was not close at all.
So we decided to switch from a “Stage” strategy to a “Meet and Greet” strategy.
Basically, BlurtUp had two parts. There was the stage, where all of the Blurt stars did their thing—like singing, or rapping, or just standing there and being cute. And then there was the Meet and Greet tent, where you could actually meet and/or take selfies with all the Blurt stars.
If you had a $500 “VIP Platinum” or a $350 “VIP Gold” ticket, you were guaranteed to get into the tent and meet all the stars.
Needless to say, Parvati and I did not have those. We also did not have $100 “VIP Bronze” tickets, which guaranteed you’d get into the tent, but NOT necessarily meet everybody.
What we had were $30 “Not Any Kind Of VIP At All” tickets. Which guaranteed nothing, except that if you stood around outside the tent long enough, one of the stars MIGHT come out of the tent for 30 seconds and take a selfie with you.
ATHENA, the most evil person in the world
Ohmygosh, did you not have VIP status? So you and Poverty Ed. Note: Athena’s totally disgusting nickname for Parvatiwere, like, stuck in the middle of that sad crowd of desperate girls standing outside the Meet and Greet tent like homeless people?
That is the saddest thing EVER! I am Ed. Note: SARCASM SO sorry! If it makes you feel better, I’ll let you reprint my ClickChat photo of Tyler Purdy hugging me for your little book.
CLAUDIA
That’s SO nice Ed. Note: (also sarcasm) of you, Athena! But I think I’d rather just claw my eyes out with a fork.
PARVATI
Can I just say, there is NO WAY Tyler enjoyed that hug? You could practically SEE the pain in his eyes in that pic. ATHENA IS NOT SPECIAL TO HIM!!!!
CLAUDIA
Long story short, we spent our first two hours at BlurtUp standing in the crowd outside the Meet and Greet tent and waiting for a miracle. Which, BTW, my dad thought was insane. He kept saying things like, “Don’t you want to go back to the stage and watch the whoever-they-ares do their whatever-they-do?”
PARVATI
Your dad totally did not get the deal with BlurtUp.
But can I just say, I never had any doubt that a miracle would happen? Because visualization is a very powerful tool. And I was using ALL my mental brainpower to visualize Tyler coming out of the tent and seeing me.
Plus I was holding up my sign. So when Tyler DID come out, he’d see me and come over.
CLAUDIA
I have to admit that after two hours, I was starting to agree with Dad that we were out of our minds to think standing outside the Meet and Greet tent was a good idea. That whole two hours, the only Blurt star who came out of the tent was so minor-league I can’t even remember his name.
PARVATI
Joey Buffata.
CLAUDIA
Whatever. But here is the amazing thing: two hours into our wait, TYLER PURDY ACTUALLY CAME OUT OF THE TENT!
When he did, everybody in the crowd started to scream at once. And I think Tyler must have seen Parvati’s gigantic sign because he started moving in our direction.
PARVATI
I couldn’t believe it. My whole body started shaking. And there were, like, serious fireworks exploding in my brain.
CLAUDIA
I could tell something epic was about to happen, so I turned away for a second to get my phone out and capture the moment when Tyler came through the crowd and gave Parvati a big hug, or stared into her eyes, or took her backstage to eat strawberries, or whatever.
But when I turned back to Parvati with my camera ready, she’d already fainted.
