A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
—Lao-tzu
Where do we begin in the healing process? At the beginning! Some therapists believe that the past is neither important nor relevant in a person's healing process. If you are a person who doesn't want to go back to your painful past, the chances are that you will be drawn to such a therapist. You may learn new “coping skills,” how to “control” your emotions, and how to say no to the past. But this will keep you going around in circles, staying stuck right where you are. Every person I've ever known who has gone this route, whether friend or client, has remained stuck.
The healing process that I am recommending in this book does not involve dredging up the past, rehashing it over and over, and then staying there. Instead, I'm talking about going back, honestly looking at your memories, feelings, and emotional pain, then discussing what you've learned with a professional or close friend who can help you let go of the pain that may be stuck in your body.
Paul, a young man of about thirty-seven, came to me for a healing involving his chronic back pain. His doctors couldn't find anything wrong, yet they had prescribed many different pain killers. Paul wanted a different solution. His back pain was causing problems in his marriage. He was irritable most of the time, and he had become very critical of his wife and everything she did. He had been forced to quit his job as a store manager because of his constant pain and because he was always high on medication.
When I placed my hands on his back, it felt “full.” My impression was that it was swollen with emotions. I looked inside psychically and saw an older man who was filled with rage and was yelling and hitting a young boy. I saw terror in the boy's eyes, and I saw his feelings of powerlessness and hatred for the older man.
I asked Paul if his father had beaten him, and he said yes. Had his father been an alcoholic? Yes, again. I told him that all of his anger, resentments, fear, and the trauma he suffered growing up in that environment were in his back. I got a very strong sense that he needed more help than I was able to give him with the laying-on-of-hands healing.
I asked him if he had ever talked to a therapist or pastor about his childhood. He said that he had not, replying that “what's in the past stays in the past.” Paul truly believed, as so many of us do, that because our childhoods are out of sight, they are out of mind (and body). But as I have seen time after time, that simply is not true.
Many people think that going back to their past and dredging up all the pain isn't going to do any good. Unfortunately, these are usually the people who need to do it the most!
Yes, it's hard. It's painful. I would rather have done a thousand other things than to go back and look at what it was I was trying so hard to forget. I spent years dodging the pain I stuffed inside. I distracted myself as much as possible from experiencing the feelings of the past and present. I believe this is why I have suffered so many health problems since childhood.
This chapter is about your childhood. My childhood. Your beginning. My beginning. This is where many physical problems, if you have them, probably got started . . . a long time ago. The hurt, the pain, the abuse, the injustices we suffered as children, all got stored in our bodies if we were unable to let the feelings out at the time. Many of us were not taught to express our feelings because our parents and grandparents didn't know how to express theirs. We were taught to keep our mouths shut. “Kids are to be seen and not heard.” “Don't whine.” “Don't cry.” “Don't talk back (because your opinion doesn't count).”“Be sweet.”“Be cute.”“Be the perfect child.” “Always smile, even when you are disappointed.” “If your feelings get hurt, swallow them.”“Be a big boy.”“Be a big girl.”
In many cases, food or other rewards were used to soothe the feelings we were discouraged from expressing. Those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families—which is just about everyone, as it turns out—never knew that we mattered or that we were lovable and acceptable. We didn't feel a sense of safety or that we could trust our parents or caregivers to be there for us. The world appeared to be a scary, unpredictable, untrustworthy, and inconsistent place.
Every child needs to be loved unconditionally. When we don't get the love, attention, and affection we need while we are growing up, we may have difficulty with our relationships later in life. On my own healing journey, I came to see how my dysfunctional childhood had greatly affected my later life. I came to understand that much of the time I was reacting not from the place of being a full-grown adult but out of the neediness, confusion, trauma, wants, and fears of a child.
It is the curse of the child from a dysfunctional background to feel protective of the family and its secrets. Being the firstborn in our family, I found this to be particularly true. Our family had a great sense of pride in being able to take care of each other and not need anyone else. Even as I write this chapter, the old curse of wanting to protect the family surfaces. I find it difficult to write these words.
There was emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in my dysfunctional family system. It has been difficult for me over the years to be open with myself or others about how insane our family life became at times. I always minimized it. I always wanted to protect myself from being abandoned, so I never rocked the boat. But all my efforts to protect what little I had only prolonged my poor health, my poor relationships, my low self-worth, and the negative attitudes and feelings I had developed about myself.
When I entered therapy, it became necessary for me to stop protecting the family pain and start paying more attention to my own feelings. I had to give up my misplaced sense of loyalty and protectiveness toward the family in order to heal.
If you are anything like me, you may not even know about the abuse you suffered as a child. Some of us do such a good job of hiding the truth from others that we end up hiding it from ourselves. To help me discover what might have happened to me, my therapist gave me a list of abusive actions. These included actions that might have been done to me by others as well as abusive actions I might have taken against myself.
Pay attention to your reactions as you read over the list. Do you find yourself minimizing any of them, perhaps making excuses for those who abused you or telling yourself that their abuse didn't really hurt you? These tendencies to downplay what occurred are the natural reactions of anyone who has suffered such treatment. But remember, abuse is abuse. Nothing on this list is good for us. Be honest with yourself as you read over this list, reminding yourself that if you are attempting to make light of anything you read here, the chances are very good that you are reacting to a deep pain you suffered in the past.
PHYSICAL ABUSE
Slapping; spanking; shaking; scratching; squeezing; beating with board, stick, belt, kitchen utensil, yardstick, electrical cord, shovel, or hose.
Throwing, pushing, shoving, slamming against walls or objects; burning, scalding, freezing; forcing of food or water, starving; having to watch others being physically abused; overworked.
SEXUAL ABUSE
Fondling, touching, innuendoes, jokes, comments, looking, being exposed to masturbation, mutual masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, intercourse, penetration with fingers or objects, stripping and sexual punishments, pornography—either taking pictures of you or forcing you to look at such pictures. Forcing children into sexual acts with each other, forced sexual activity involving animals, watching others have sex or be abused, sexual “games,” sexual torture (such as burning), etc.
VERBAL ABUSE
Excessive guilting, blaming, shaming, name-calling, puttingdown, comparing, teasing, making fun of, laughing at, belittling, nagging, haranguing, screaming, verbally assaulting.
PHYSICAL NEGLECT
Lack of food, clothes, shelter; leaving the child alone; leaving a child who is too young in charge of others; failure to provide medical care; allowing or encouraging the use of drugs or alcohol; failure to protect a child from abuse from others.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Projection and transfer of blame (being punished for the parent's own shortcomings); alterations of the child's reality (an adult telling a child that an experience he had didn't really occur— “Mama didn't beat you—you made that up”). Overprotecting, smothering, excusing, blaming others for child's problems; fostering and encouraging low self-esteem; conditional love (“Mommy won't love you anymore if you misbehave”). Double messages (one parent telling you one thing, the other telling you just the opposite). Refusing to talk about abuse at all.
It is estimated that one out of every eight Americans is a child of an alcoholic. That means there are approximately 28 million wounded, adult children out there! And that only includes the children of alcoholic parents. What about the rest? What about the children of sex addicts? Drug addicts? Codependents? Gamblers? Overeaters? Religious fanatics? And what about the children of parents who are emotionally unstable but don't have obvious addictions? The numbers are staggering. Where does one begin the healing process? At the beginning . . . with the first step.
In their book The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families, John and Linda Friel provide the following list of roles in a dysfunctional family system.
THE DO-ER
The Do-er is always doing, making certain the daily needs of the family are being met; making sure the children are fed, bathed, and dressed; paying the bills; ironing the clothes; doing the shopping; taking the kids to Little League or music lessons. But because the family is dysfunctional, all this consumes the Do-er's time and energy, leaving her little or no time for anything else. So the Do-er feels tired and lonely. She may feel that others take advantage of her, and as a result may feel emotionally neglected and empty. Such a person gets a lot of satisfaction out of being so accomplished, being able to accomplish so much, and other members of the family encourage the Do-er, either directly or indirectly. Meanwhile, the Do-er's own guilt and overdeveloped sense of responsibility keeps her doing, doing, doing.
THE ENABLER/ HELPER/ LOVER
The Enabler/Helper/Lover nurtures other family members and provides them with a sense of belonging. Often this person is also the Doer, but not always. The goal of the Enabler/Helper/Lover is to keep everyone together, preserving the family unit at any cost, even if it means suffering physical violence or even death. The Enabler/Helper/ Lover is always trying to avoid conflict in the family, spending a lot of time and energy trying to smooth ruffled feathers. People who take on this role are often motivated by fear of abandonment and fear that other family members cannot stand on their own two feet.
THE LOST CHILD/ LONER
The Lost Child/Loner is the one who stays to herself a lot. She may stay in her room or spend time out of doors, playing in the woods by herself. This person is actually making an effort to act out a need for separateness and autonomy that most other members of the dysfunctional family feel. But while she may spend a lot of time alone, it is not a healthy aloneness because most of her time is spent trying to escape both the family and the feelings she has around it. This person usually feels a deep sense of loneliness that she carries into adulthood—or until her early feelings are resolved.
THE HERO
The Hero provides the family with self-esteem. He may go off to law school and become a famous attorney, but in his heart he may secretly feel awful because his sister is in a mental hospital and his younger brother has died of alcoholism. Heroically, he carries the family banner for all the world to see, making the family proud. But all of this is accomplished at a terrible price in terms of his own wellbeing, since he feels burdened by the weight of his impossible task.
THE MASCOT
The Mascot is often a younger child. She provides comic relief for the family. The Mascot uses humor to give the family a sense of playfulness, silliness, fun, and a kind of distorted joy. The cost to the Mascot is that her true feelings of isolation and pain never get expressed. Until she gets into recovery or another program, she remains an emotional cripple.
THE SCAPEGOAT
The Scapegoat is the person who acts out all the family's dysfunction, taking the blame for the rest of them. He may be the black sheep of the family, using drugs, stealing, getting into fights, or acting out sexually. All of this “bad behavior” from this one person then allows the other family members to say, “If little brother would just straighten himself up, we'd be a healthy family.” The cost to the Scapegoat is that he may spend a lifetime caught up in negative behavior and self-abuse.
DAD’S LITTLE PRINCESS/ MOM’S LITTLE MAN
This child is seduced, early on, by a parent who is too afraid or dysfunctional to get her needs met by other adults. Adored as long as we acted out the parent's model of the ideal, loving, talented child, we are never appreciated for who we really are, nor are our own childhood needs respected. Those of us who fell into this role as children usually ended up getting physically or emotionally abused by other adults in later life because our boundaries and our needs were not respected when we were little.
THE SAINT/ PRIEST/ NUN/ RABBI
This child takes on the family's religious or spiritual needs and often becomes a priest, nun, rabbi, or monk. One of the conditions that may go along with this role is to live a life of denial, particularly abstinence from sex. The family may do nothing obvious to mold the person into this role, though it is implied, subtly reinforced, and silently encouraged. This child nevertheless grows up believing that he will win a sense of self-worth only if he takes on the spiritual/religious needs of the family.
Do you identify with any of these roles? In your journal you might want to make some notes about which ones you identify with and why. It is also worth noting here that you might identify with a combination of these roles, being a Do-er, a Hero, and a Saint, all in one. Or you might vacillate between one role and another, being a Lost Child/Loner in some circumstances, a Scapegoat in others. In any case, take a close look at all of these characteristics and see how they relate to you.
Many changes will take place during your healing journey. There will be times when doing the inner work will be emotionally painful. You will experience a lot of feelings. You will be getting to know yourself in a different way. You will be releasing some old patterns and beliefs. Be conscious of the fact that what you feel is the pain you are bringing to the surface, and that has been stored in your body for years and years. In letting it out, you are doing a wonderful cleansing of your body and soul.
Be patient. Give yourself plenty of breaks. When I was writing this book, I had to completely walk away and do something light. Yes, we want to get to the stored pain in order to free ourselves of it. But we didn't take on that pain overnight—and we won't get rid of it overnight, either!
When you are done with the journal exercises at the end of each section, I strongly recommend that you do something physical to work the feelings out of your body. Or just take yourself out and do something fun. (See chapter 22 for suggestions.)
You may also wish to share your feelings with a friend or confidant whom you think you can trust or consult a good therapist (more on this in chapter 19). Don't think that you have to do it alone. Incorporate the exercises in this book into any additional therapy or course of healing you decide to do.
Above all, be as loving as you can to yourself. Be gentle and understanding. You're doing a great job. Keep going!
Exercise 1
A Picture of Your Past
Use your journal to begin making notes about your childhood. If you are having trouble remembering your childhood, go through some family photo albums. Ask your grandparents or old family friends if they remember any stories about you as a child. Talk to friends with whom you grew up. If you have toys or other mementos from your childhood, these can also help stimulate memories of that time.
Some of the questions you might ask yourself are: What messages did you receive as a child about expressing your feelings? Were you encouraged to speak your mind or to keep quiet? What did you do when you felt fear, anger, sadness, or discouragement, or when your feelings were hurt? Whenever you did express your feelings, did anyone listen? Did they act as if they cared about what you were feeling?
Look at the ways you were taught to express, or not express, positive feelings as well as the so-called negative ones. I'm talking about positive emotions such as joy, excitement, love, and happiness. Were your needs and wants respected? Did you feel people listened to you?
Note in your journal how it feels to you now as you think back and feel your childhood memories. What sticks out as the most painful memory or memories? Did your parents want a boy, and you turned out to be a girl—or vice versa? Was the fact that you turned out to be the gender you are a disappointment to them?
If you were raised by a single parent, did you in any way feel you were expected to be a surrogate spouse? Were you allowed to be a child, or did you feel you had to be mature and responsible no matter what your age? If you had brothers and sisters, were you expected to be responsible for them?
Was there physical abuse in the family? Sexual abuse? Was there a sense in your family that you didn't need any outsiders, that all you needed was each other?
Write it all down. All of it! The resentments. The sadness. The anger. Take your time—please don't think you have to do the whole thing in one sitting. What you discover here is important to your health—mentally, emotionally, and physically. If you need to spread this work out over several days or even a few weeks, that's okay.
Exercise 2
Childhood Health History
Record in your journal any health problems you had as a child, other than the usual childhood diseases. Do you still suffer from any of them? It can be helpful to ask one of your parents if they remember any specific events that occurred around the same time that you had an illness. Illnesses such as asthma, digestive problems, and mood swings can often have strong links with early events in our lives. Sometimes these show up quite dramatically when I begin working with a client.
You might find it helpful to divide a page in your journal into two columns. Label the first column “Childhood Illnesses” and the second one “Emotional Events.” As you remember each illness, list any emotional events that might have been associated with that illness, particularly those that occurred just prior to any symptoms appearing for the first time.