We cannot heal our addictive mind while it is entrenched in fear and conflict. It would be like trying to get out of a Chinese finger puzzle: the harder you pull, the tighter it becomes.
—Lee Jampolsky
One of the ways we deal with our unresolved pain, secrets, feelings, and negative beliefs is through addictions and distractions. My own experience of growing up in an addicted family can perhaps provide some insights into how this works. On the outside, I appeared to be super-responsible—a peacemaker, a perfectionist, a caretaker, a leader, serious-minded, confident, rigid, and in control. On the inside, I felt lonely, inadequate, afraid, confused, angry, hurt, guilty, ashamed, forever unsatisfied, afraid of making mistakes, and out of control. I acted the opposite of what I felt on the inside, not wanting people to know how inadequate I believed I was. I wanted to appear confident and strong!
By the time I was nineteen, alcohol seemed to have become the perfect solution to all my inner pain and the contradictions that I was living. This occurred despite my childhood oath that I would never drink. At age eighteen, I didn't think that “just one drink” could hurt. I was on a date and didn't want to appear anything less than “cool.” When my date asked me what I wanted to drink, I said, “Whatever you are having.” I became very drunk and blacked out. The next day I couldn't remember a thing.
From that day on, I never drank in moderation. I drank straight alcohol so that I could become numb and not feel all of my internal pain and conflicts. Alcohol gave me the confidence I had never known. Also, it was a great excuse for being obnoxious; it allowed me to release all of my anger and rage. I couldn't drink every day, since my body would get too sick. But I would get drunk at least twice a week. When I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about it—always preoccupied with escaping from reality and my feelings.
At the age of twenty-three, I was rear-ended in a car accident. This turned out to be the beginning of the end of my drinking career and the beginning of my addiction to prescription drugs. My neck, back, and upper arms had been injured in the accident. An orthopedic surgeon prescribed Valium to relax my muscles. He also prescribed Percodan, a powerful narcotic, and a painkiller, Talwin. A neurologist put me on Fiorinal, also a painkiller, for all of the headaches that I was experiencing. Despite all the physical pain I was in, this was an addict's heaven! On days when I had a hangover, I could take a bunch of pills and they would make my emotional pain so much easier to bear. On days when I mixed alcohol and pills, I felt even better! Throughout my alcoholism and pill addiction, I also acted out with other addictions. I used food to ease my pain (more on that later). Men and relationships were also an addiction. I was forever looking outside myself for a way to feel better.
It was a frightening, frantic lifestyle. All of that unresolved pain was constantly trying to surface. Instead of looking at the issues, I just stayed high. I was terrified of my emotions. I frequently thought about suicide.
Then, at the age of twenty-four, two weeks after the death of a very close friend, I hit bottom physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I could not go on living in the pain anymore. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). This was the beginning of my healing journey.
At AA, and in Al-Anon five years later, I worked the twelve steps to recovery.
Addicts minimize (“I only had one drink”), rationalize (“If you had my job, you'd drink, too!”), and deny that there is any problem. This is true for all addictions, not just addiction to alcohol. At the end of this chapter is a list of the questions used by Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Sex Addicts Anonymous. These will help you determine if you are covering up your internal pain through addiction(s). For those of you who may wonder if you have a gambling problem, substitute the word “gambling” for alcohol. If you are concerned that you have a drug problem, substitute the word “drugs” for alcohol, and so on.
I know the devastating effect of chemicals. I was always sick from taking them—regardless of whether or not I was hung-over. I had headaches and digestive and colon problems. If you are a practicing addict, your body is suffering from abuse. The toxins from your pill of choice can bring disastrous results: high blood pressure, gall bladder disease, strokes, diabetes, uterine cancer, or infant mortality. (This list comes from Overeaters Anonymous, A Disease ofthe Body, p. 90.)
Alcoholics and drug addicts can add to that list: liver disease; pancreatic problems; blood, stomach, colon, and kidney malfunctioning; brain dysfunctions; sleep and sexual disorders; paralysis; malnutrition; night blindness; infectious diseases; skin diseases; anemia; reproductive disorders; menstrual problems; infertility; repeated miscarriages; fetal alcohol syndrome; respiratory disorders; heart problems; and psychiatric disorders. This list goes on and on.
Once you have joined a recovery program, don't think for a second that you're “home free.” The real work is only beginning. But the reward, you'll later realize, will be worth it, including freedom from the physical, emotional, and internalized pain that began your addictions. If you choose the other path—if you try to rationalize or deny your addiction—the consequences may be dire.
Connor, a man in his early forties with a four-pack-a-day smoking habit, came to me for a series of healings for his chronic cough. He hadn't been to a doctor because he assumed he would just be given a prescription, and the problem would not really be addressed. Furthermore, he was a recovering alcoholic and didn't want to risk becoming addicted to a prescription drug.
Connor also told me that he was a heavy gambler. When I looked inside him psychically, his lungs were as black as night. I saw two smokestacks filled to the brim with smoke and toxins. His heart looked very stressed and broken. I saw an image of a woman who had broken his heart, and he was still hanging on to her and the relationship, too, even though it looked as if it had been a long time since they had been together.
Next, I saw the physical result of his addiction: his body, riddled with a lifetime of pain and resentment. The spirits told me that the man's smoking and gambling were his way of distracting himself from the pain. But it had clearly taken its toll.
After three healing sessions, Connor's cough appeared to be getting worse. I believed that this was a result of the healing energy releasing the smoke and toxins from his lungs. The healings felt like a losing battle and he needed to go see a doctor in spite of his fears.
Medical tests revealed that he had cancer throughout his body. He died within a year of his first visit to me. Connor's case is a grim reminder of how important it is to clear out all those unresolved feelings and negative beliefs we have about ourselves.
Addiction isn't a one-trick pony. In many of the different twelve-step groups that I have attended, members are frequently recovering from multiple addictions. If you're an addict, your addiction may surface in multiple forms and with multiple substances. It's also a very common occurrence for an addict to go from one addiction to another—for example, to stop using alcohol and become an overeater, or to stop overeating and become a compulsive shopper.
Addicts are also frequently plagued by unresolved emotional pain, negative personal beliefs, and low self-esteem. These are the things that keep the addictive cycle going. Until we completely surrender the pain and begin a new way of living, we are fighting a losing battle. Addictions work in a very cunning manner. If you are in therapy, thinking that you are working on your issues, and then getting high after your sessions, you are really just going in circles!
Defeating your addictive behaviors begins by admitting you need help. Examine the questionnaires on these pages. If you find yourself described in any of them, ask the Universe to give you the strength and courage that you need to make the necessary changes. You can break this cycle of insanity and start feeling good now!
DISTRACTIONS
Distractions are another form of addiction, and just as dangerous. Distractions are anything we do to distract ourselves from our feelings. We might not think of these activities as addictive; after all, how bad can it be to turn on the TV, sit in front of the computer, work nonstop, travel, join a committee, adopt a pet, or play bingo? But if we do these things to excess—if we are compelled to do them because we are using them as a means of escaping ourselves, then yes, they are addictive behaviors.
In the age of the Internet, there are many seductive means of escape—into chat rooms or on X-rated web sites, selling or buying on eBay, or watching videos or movies. Countless hours spent in front of the computer screen may be a sign that you are trying to escape something. If you recognize these patterns in your life, make sure they are not a cover-up for addressing lingering issues. The main thing to remember is that from every form of addiction, recovery is possible.
To answer this question, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as honestly as you can:
If you answered yes to any one of the questions, there is a chance that you may be an alcoholic.
If you answered yes to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you answered yes to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.
An alcoholic is anyone whose drinking disrupts business or interferes with family or social life. An alcoholic cannot stop drinking, even though she may want to do so.
THE “20 QUESTIONS” OF SEXUAL ADDICTS ANONYMOUS (SAA)
The following are some questions to ask yourself to determine if you may be sexually addicted and to evaluate your need for the SAA program:
Many people have answered yes to some of these questions, and as a result sought help through the SAA program.
ARE YOU A COMPULSIVE OVEREATER?
How did you score? If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, it is probable that you have a compulsive eating problem or are well on the way to having one.
If you are a practicing addict of anything, my heart goes out to you. My prayer for you is that this miserable nightmare in which you are living goes away soon and that you can set off on the road to recovery. You deserve the best in life, but you will never experience it until you learn to heal the inner wounds that are causing your pain.
The fact that there are so many support groups in communities throughout the United States indicates not only that help is available to you whenever you choose to reach out but also that you are not alone. Thousands of people every year enter twelvestep programs in order to seek freedom from one addiction or another, whether it's alcohol, food, sex, or any of a wide range of prescription or street drugs.
Perhaps one of the most important things we have to learn on any healing journey is that we are responsible for taking the first step. The healing begins when we finally decide it is time to look inside ourselves and confront the pain we are hiding inside. As challenging as that task may seem, I would like to assure you that it is far easier, and less painful, than continuing to live a life of addiction.
Take the time to make notes in your healing journal about any of your findings in this chapter. If the subject of addiction did not seem to apply to you, you might want to note how it perhaps did apply to someone in your life, from either the past or the present. Note any thoughts you have about this person.
While not everyone has an obvious addiction, or even a habit that causes harm or limits their lives, we all have ways of distracting ourselves from the things that are bothering us. Note any techniques you have for distracting yourself or for getting away from uncomfortable feelings. Simply take note of these without judging them.
If you feel that you are caught up in addictive behavior of any kind, or are involved with a person who is, realize that this issue is part of your healing. Start this healing by entering a support group or twelve-step program (more on this in chapter 19). Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous are great places to begin. Contact the local chapter of the program that applies to you or call the Alcoholics Anonymous Intergroup Office nearest you for information. Use a page in your journal to record names of organizations, their meeting times, where they meet, and the names and phone numbers of resource people whom you may discover along the way.