Stick to natural sugars. Substitutes are bad for your health.
A healthy relationship gives us energy and nourishment. But when it goes badly, it can be devastating. This rule is short but important as it addresses one of the most difficult issues in dating. One of the reasons I wanted to write this book was to address the following statistics:
One in three women in the US has been physically abused by a domestic partner according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
One in five women has been raped. And almost half the time by a man she knows.
Love can be dangerous. And while this rule is shorter than most, it is in many ways the most important as I realized that there is no modern and concise primer on how to find a healthy relationship or how to avoid a dangerous or toxic one.
Similarly, there are no relationship development courses in the school curriculum. We spend more time researching what type of car we should buy than we do on the people we get naked and share bodily fluids with.
So here are some pointers to bear in mind before you embark on a new relationship, because abusers and sexual predators don’t wear T-shirts that say, “Avoid me at all costs!” On the contrary, they are often handsome and charismatic and sweep you off your feet.
In his book Food Rules, Michael Pollan recommended reading the labels and making sure all the ingredients were not only natural but easy to pronounce.
When it comes to relationships, there is one “label” all women should do their best to avoid: narcissistic personality disorder. It is difficult to detect because it masquerades as a delicious sweetener, but it comes with a bitter aftertaste.
“The most common psychological characteristic of all abusers is narcissism,” says David Adams, an expert on domestic violence and the cofounder of Emerge, the oldest abuser intervention program in the US. Narcissistic personality disorder is defined in the DSM-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as displaying “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.” That can manifest specifically in the following ways: “a grandiose sense of self-importance,” “preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance or ideals of love,” and “requires excessive admiration.”
There are more signs, such as the individual or person “has a sense of entitlement” and “is interpersonally exploitative.” But perhaps the most chilling is this sign: “lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.”
Empathy, the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, is a key ingredient in any relationship.
Interestingly, while women can be abusive, too, narcissistic personality disorder affects men more greatly than women. The term Prince Charming has often been used to describe abusers because at first they present as terribly romantic and superattentive, and likely lavish you with compliments. To anyone who has not been in a relationship or had sex in months, or who is vulnerable and just getting over a breakup, this can feel too good to be true. And it is with abusers, Adams warns. “Elaborate, overly romantic gestures on the first date could be a warning sign,” he says. “He brings you flowers, or insists on paying for the meal.” Adams calls this “entrapment style” and recalls a victim of an abusive relationship he interviewed for a court hearing. In describing the relationship to Adams, she said that on the first date she told the man who became her boyfriend that her phone was broken. On their second date, he presented her with a brand-new phone. The two became a couple—and she became one of the one in four women who experience abusive relationships.
It is easy to fall for what seems generous at first. How kind! How thoughtful! But it’s a clear sign of too much too soon. So is oversharing intimate information early on in the relationship. Look for boundaries and respectful talk about ex-girlfriends. “Does he rag on his ex?” Adams asks. “Or say things like, ‘I can tell that you understand me more than she ever did.’”
Any talk of “soul mates” on a first or second date also makes Adams cringe. “It is a false intimacy. Some women respond to this idea that he understands me or he gets me—but that doesn’t happen in one or two dates. It takes time.”
Not sharing information or outright lying are also red flags, Adams says. He said he owned a business when he did not. Or he said he had a house, but it was actually his mother’s house. These are two examples Adams uses as “predictive of lying and manipulating, which is abusive behavior.”
And then there is misrepresentation. “For instance, you discover that something he has said is not true, like he is more involved with his ex than he says he is,” Adams says. “So then the question is, How does he deal with that when you confront him?” Does he flip out and ask, “How dare you question me?” Or does his reasoning make sense to you?
You have to trust your gut here (more on this in Rule #12). This is not an easy one to decipher. But if you have a sense he is lying or hiding something from you, do not brush it off. This brings to mind the term gaslighting, which Adams has written about as a form of “psychological manipulation, also known as ‘crazy-making’ or ‘mind-messing,’ whereby the victims are made to doubt their perceptions of reality, and ultimately, their sanity.” That feeling—that you are the crazy one—is another earlier indicator of an unhealthy relationship.
A more concrete warning sign is insistence on early sex. “First date sex is incredibly common among abusers,” Adams says. What is particularly tricky about this red flag is that many women have sex on the first date with men who wind up being wonderful partners. But if he happens to be a narcissist with a predilection for abusive behavior, then it is serious. “For abusers, sex signifies ownership,” Adams says.
This chapter may be freaking you out. Take a deep breath. If you see any indication that a man you are interested in or seeing has abusive tendencies, Adams suggests testing your theory by setting a boundary and seeing how he reacts. For instance, he wants to see you on a night when you have other plans. You have a work event. Or dinner plans with friends. “If he makes an issue of it, that’s a good test,” he says. “He may even say, ‘I feel like I care about you more than you care about me,’ or make you feel like you have to make a choice.”
Establishing boundaries early on is a good test of any relationship. Is this person accepting of the other demands in your life? If not, you should reconsider. If you are not sure, then start paying close attention to your interactions and don’t brush anything under the rug.
Track your dating data. Some clues: If you feel in any way that there is a disproportionate balance of power early on in the relationship, think it through carefully. Maybe it’s something you can live with or maybe you sense it will recalibrate in your favor over time. For example, he may be older and further along in his career, but you’ll catch up. If you’re in doubt, here are some questions to ask yourself:
How does this person make you feel?
Did he swoop in and sweep you off your feet?
Did the swoopy bit last as long as you had hoped?
Did he say he loved you within the first week?
Are you worried about how he will react if you say you can’t do something with him?
Does the expression “walking on eggshells” now apply?
Do you feel responsible for his feelings?
A yes to that last question is the biggest warning sign to extricate yourself. “It will only get harder,” Adams says. “The longer you are in the relationship, from his perspective, the more you are his.”
If you have doubts, don’t silence them. This is really important. Despite the success of Bumble, women still expect men to set the pace. Don’t be passive. Be active and always listen to your doubts. Is he getting too close too quickly? Is he suffocating you, competing with your friends or parents for your time?
Try not to let the relief of meeting someone half-decent who does not seem to have baggage or a crazy Facebook-stalking ex or kids cloud your judgment. The pyramid gets smaller as we get older because people pair off. So who is left? Why are they left?
Does he talk endlessly about himself?
Does he bad-mouth his ex?
Does he keep asking how much he means to you and then setting up tests where you have to reinforce that he comes first?
Does he criticize your friends? Does he compete for your attention around them?
Does he get jealous of any other people in your life?
Yes to any of the above is an indicator of a narcissist. Dr. Jean Twenge’s fascinating research specializing in millennials focuses on the uptick of narcissistic traits in a generation she says grew up being told they were special. They turned up for games and got a trophy for participation; their grades were inflated; their parents applauded every cough, spit-up, and burp. Her book Generation Me argues that social media exacerbates all that early parental indulgence. “All the recent changes in our culture, specifically social media and its impact, encourage a cultural individualism,” Twenge explains. “So there is more focus on the self and less on social roles and the collective in general.” This can be good—more positive self-views, she says, and “a trend toward more equality around race and gender.” But it can also lead to greater levels of narcissism. “It’s where the self is all-important and other people are only useful for what they can do for you.”
Asked how narcissism affects relationships, Twenge agrees it’s a train wreck. “Narcissists are very charming,” she says. “But then you learn that you are in love with a person who does not actually care about you. That is a very bad formula.” She adds that the cultural messaging that demands you have to love yourself before you can love someone else is a disaster. “Not really!” Twenge says. “People who really love themselves are called narcissists. They make horrible relationship partners.”
And it goes both ways.
While men are more likely to be narcissists, plenty of women fall into that category as well. “Our culture’s focus on individualism says you don’t need anyone else to make you happy—you can make yourself happy,” Twenge says. “You don’t need relationships and if you think you do then you are a weak person. That is one of the messages that is coming across in our culture today. And besides, there are all these choices out there so there is no need to choose one now and settle down. Where that hits a wall is, it’s a natural human tendency to need relationships.”
You are reading this book because you want a relationship. And the point is to find one that will fill you up with happiness and sustain you in the long run. One that takes work—they all do—but is rewarding because you get what you give.
CASE STUDIES
Leanne*, 26, on when “too good to be true” was in fact that.
After Leanne graduated from university, she quickly worked her way up to becoming the manager of a high-end restaurant in Boston. She was making great money by her twenty-third birthday, loved her job, and had a terrific group of friends, but found meeting potential boyfriends particularly tricky. “I get off work at 2:00 a.m.,” she says. “Not the best time to go meet someone for the first time.”
For this reason, she relied on internet dating because she could look for possible partners on her own clock, but she met a bunch of duds interested only in sex, and one psycho who, after she rebuffed him online, started sending her rape fantasy notes. She blocked him, took a break, and then went back to online dating with more caution the next time around. That’s when she met Sam.
The two met for coffee, and at first, he seemed almost too good to be true. “Handsome, charming, and so smart,” she recalls. “The only odd thing was that he did not work.” She agreed to a second date, and a third, and learned that he was independently wealthy. He did not need to work, which meant he could flex with her schedule, an added plus. “I introduced him to my family a few weeks into our relationship,” she recalls. “My dad was like, ‘I’ve never seen you so happy!’”
But then she introduced him to an old boyfriend, who was working with Leanne on a business idea. Following the meeting, Sam flipped out. “He became irate and jealous,” she says.
“He even suggested buying my ex out of the partnership, which was so bananas that I brushed it off.”
Suddenly, Sam started showing up unannounced at her apartment, or at work, which Leanne found off-putting. He said he wanted to surprise her, but she felt as if he was checking on her. Still, she wanted the relationship to work, so she batted those thoughts away and focused on those early impressions.
And then, a few months later, the relationship finally began to unravel. “We were grocery shopping when he got a call from his grandmother,” she recalls. When he got off the phone, she could tell that something was terribly wrong—but instead of telling Leanne what had just happened, he stormed off.
A few weeks later, and following more erratic behavior, Sam finally admitted that he was bipolar. His grandmother had learned that he had stopped seeing his doctor and taking his medication right after he started dating Leanne. “I was devastated he had not told me this earlier,” she says. “And yet, I was in love with him by then—and he was sick. I wanted to try to work it out.”
It got worse and finally culminated in a manic meltdown three months later. “A friend’s visit set him off into such a rage, he started smashing furniture in my apartment and then punched a brick wall and shattered his hand in the process,” she recalls. “I finally got him out of my apartment, and as I was bawling in my apartment, I was like, ‘How did I let this happen?’”
Leanne ended the relationship quickly—and safely. Still, it rattled her. “I was lucky I got out early, before anyone got really hurt,” she realizes. After a six-month hiatus, she went back online, this time with a new perspective: “I am taking it way more slowly. And heeding any unsettling signs.”
Mary*, 38, on wanting to get it right the second time around.
Mary met Sebastian at a party in Manhattan. He was an artist from Chile, with thick black curls, deep brown eyes, and a strong accent that she found irresistible. On an early date, he brought her to the top of the Empire State Building. On their way back to his SoHo loft that same night, he literally swept her off her feet—picking her up and twirling her around like a scene from a movie. “No one had ever treated me that way,” she says. “I felt like a princess.”
But then he took her to a party the following week to meet some of his friends. One was a rowdy Irishman who grabbed her hand and dragged her onto the dance floor. Mary was having a blast, dancing to the B-52s, when she noticed Sebastian sitting in the corner of the room, glaring at her. “I went over to see if he was okay,” she says. “And he literally turned his head and refused to talk to me.”
They left the party, and the silent treatment continued. Finally, after she begged him to tell her what she had done to upset him, he shouted, “How dare you dance with my friend!” She was stunned. “I’d never been with a jealous person before,” she explains. “It startled me.” She spent the next few days apologizing—even though she knew she had done nothing wrong. “I just wanted it to go back to the way it was in the beginning,” she says.
Finally, he returned to his romantic self, though Mary made a point of never dancing with, or even being overly friendly to, another man. She even found herself lying about whom she went to lunch with—giving the name of a female colleague instead of a male. She once panicked when she wound up on a work trip with a man. “He was gay, but I worried Sebastian would freak out. So I lied and said I was traveling on my own.”
This was all within the first few months of their relationship. When it was just the two of them, everything was fine, but never as fun as it had been in those early days. When he proposed to her out of the blue at a restaurant one evening, she told him she needed to think about it. “I knew by the look on his face that was not the right answer,” she says.
By then, she was practically living with him, and the silent treatment that began that night lasted two entire days. “At one point, I was literally weeping, begging forgiveness,” she recalls. He finally relented and again things went back to normal. A month later, when he proposed again, she said yes.
Days before the wedding, Mary’s mother took her aside and asked, “Are you sure you are doing the right thing?” By then, Sebastian’s family had flown in from Chile for the wedding, the dress had been altered, and the flowers ordered. Even though she knew, in the pit of her stomach, that this would not be an easy relationship, she told her mother she loved him. “I will never forget the look in her eyes,” Mary says. “It was a combination of pain and defeat.” Mary’s father was emotionally abusive, and that marriage had ended in heartbreak after her mother discovered he had been having an affair. But Mary did not want to think of patterns, or daddy issues; she was getting married.
She does think about them now, ten years later and in the wake of her divorce. Sebastian’s jealousy grew and morphed into other controlling behavior during their marriage. His anger was explosive and terrifying. And while he never hit her, he’d say, “You’re so lucky I don’t hit you.”
Ironically, Sebastian left her after seven years of marriage. “It was over children,” she says. “I wanted them, he did not.” And like everything else in their marriage, she thought she could work it out. “When he said it was over, I was stunned,” she says. “And then totally relieved.” She was also thirty-six and wanted to be a mother. After a year hiatus, she started online dating, but first she made a list of what she wanted in a partner. “Kindness was at the top of my list,” she says. “And someone who either had kids already or wanted to be a parent with me.”
She went on at least a dozen awkward, dull, or plain awful dates. “I made the mistake of telling one guy I liked that I wanted children on the first date,” she says. “He literally asked for the check.” So she decided not to bring kids up until the fifth date at the earliest and started to despair that she may not ever make it that far with anyone. “There was one guy who was dressed head to toe in black spandex,” she remembers with a laugh. “And only ate orange food.”
She’d almost given up when she was set up on a blind date with Jim. Their first dinner lasted four hours and ended with him walking her home and asking if he could see her again. On the second date, at a Patti Smith concert, he admitted sheepishly that he was “earnest.” “I told him it was my favorite quality in a person,” she says. And then on the third date, she asked why he and his ex broke up. He explained that she did not want children, and he did. “At that point, I said, ‘I was going to wait until the fifth date to tell you I want kids, too,’” she says. “And I added, ‘PS, I hope we make it to the fifth date!’”
They not only made it, but he proposed three months later. By then she was certain that he was the kindest man she had ever met. They married the next year and wound up becoming parents through adoption. “During one of our last fights, I remember Sebastian saying that he couldn’t believe that he had wasted seven years of his life with me,” she says. “I was thirty-six at the time and knew my chances of getting pregnant were getting slimmer with age.” Meanwhile, after two heartbreaking miscarriages and a subsequent diagnosis of age-related infertility, Jim told her that he was open to adoption. “He said, ‘I don’t need to have a biological child—I just want to be a parent with you,’” she recalls. “It was the most earnest—and romantic—thing he has ever said.”